Pete Holmes Slanders Bagel Bites & Defends Eating Sauerkraut For Breakfast

18:12Pete Holmes:How old are you? 50. Wow. Oh, Jesus. How old are you? Have you seen what 50 looks like? How old are you? Have you been out there? How old are you? Have you been in the wild? Give me a break. I put myself out here. I'm going to be 47 this month. So we are the same. Oh, okay. So you're younger than me. Oh. Why do you have I love that for you face? I do love that for you. 47. That's the same. A three-year difference? That's the same. I guess it's the same. It's not really the same, though. Well, because at 50... I know. Everything falls apart. Is that true? No. I just turned in December, so I'm still 49 as far as I'm concerned.

18:49It's three months ago.

18:50Pete Holmes:It's a quarter ago. Yeah. F***. You mean in Q1? Q1. You turned 50 in Q1? At the end of Q4 of last year, I turned. So we're still in Q1. We're still still in Q1. We had a Q1. Wait, okay. Okay, but anyway, you were saying you can't eat crappy. No, it's 100 % true. In fact, it took me so long into my late, almost 50, 40s, to really figure out the correlation between eating and how I feel. And now that I'm 47, I almost eat exclusively for how I'm going to feel. Grilled chicken. I don't eat meat, but yeah, that sort of idea. You don't eat meat. Interesting. I'm not judging. I'm just like, that is also a very prevalent theme.

19:35No, we judge you. No, that would be true.

19:37Pete Holmes:So you're not judging me for not? I'm not judging you. I'm just saying we've had a lot of people come through here not eating meat. Are you wondering how I gain the weight if I'm not eating meat? No, I just am surprised. How old I am to have figured out I shouldn't be eating meat? Nope, try again. I like you. Another one. Let's start again. I didn't know the host was mean. You're not mean. I am more like trying to figure out why I haven't paid enough attention to the vegetarian public. Well, I think it's because you live here in New York. Yes. I live in New Jersey. As soon as I get to New York, I start.

20:11Does New Jersey count? Yeah, sure.

20:12Pete Holmes:Okay. I'll include all of the East Coast. If you're dealing with winter, if you're dealing with, and I love the New York attitude, but as soon as I get here, being vegetarian, vegan does not make any sense. It's hard. And if you go to L.A., I don't live in L.A., but if you're in California, it couldn't be easier. And so I don't even really deserve credit. I don't think I would. If I was here, I would probably eat a lot more meat. I sometimes meet. If you still lived in Boston, could you be a vegetarian? No, I don't think so. I mean, maybe a vegetarian. Yeah, but then you start eating fish. I'm not too strict on what I eat, but in general, I don't.

20:47Pete Holmes:So the approach, which I think isn't going to age as well as we think it's going to age. sorry to turn this into a Huberman pod, but this idea of like, I eat 12 chicken breasts a day. I'm a healthy man. I'm like, well, ask your call. That's all I want to say. And we don't really have that. Like I was watching an old episode of 30 Rock. Oh, which one? I could name every one. Really? Right now. Well, remember when Tracy Jordan is doing a... The meat sandwich. The meat sandwich. Yeah, the meat. It was like, it's chicken breast, chicken breast with a meat thing. Now, it's like three kinds of meat.

21:16Pete Holmes:And that's the joke. Yes. Is that it's like the least healthy thing it could be. Yes. Now we're like, that's the most healthy thing. But then you go, like, when you're as old as both of us are, exact same age, you see that these things come and go in trends. And I'm like, you know what has never fallen out? I don't mean to turn this into this podcast. Vegetables. Eating vegetables, eating whole grains has never been, like, questioned or doubted throughout human history. People that are on, like, the carnivore diet, and they're like, you have to fight through three months of diarrhea. That's your body saying, f***ing stop.

21:46Pete Holmes:F***ing stop. What do you need? Well, I'll just leak out your ass for three months and then you're good. Really? Jordan Peterson, really? You're totally right. You are totally right. What I will say is, you know, when you eat vegetable, people who are looking to lose weight, it is like when you're going low carb. You get the fast return of weight loss, which I think is what people get lured into. With carnivore diet. With carnivore diet. For sure. It's so stupid. But I don't disagree with you that it is a trend that is going to fall out. I think hopefully we'll be in some sort of time capsule and a robot will find this and be like, hey, we shouldn't have killed them.

22:24They were right. We should not have killed them. We should have seen one. Yes, they knew everything.

22:27Pete Holmes:I make my smoothie at home. What's your smoothie? I tell you what's in it, but I knew you were going to ask. It's going to take 45 minutes. Do it. I didn't know you had a blender. I want to hear it. Poor Phil. He's the best. Somebody feed Phil, please. Somebody feed Phil. I love him to death. What's in your smoothie? You don't want to know. No, no, no, no, no. We're going to have to go there. Sorry. Yeah. Let's hear it. Well, okay. My smoothie is almond milk unsweetened base. What's your brand? Khalifa. It's fine. Sometimes I'll make my own. It's just water and almonds. Blend it up. Blend it up.

23:05Pete Holmes:Wow. You make your own almond milk. But I'm telling you, ready for the recipe? Water, almonds. Blend it up. You're done. You could strain it. That would make it. But if it's a smoothie, you don't have to strain it. Right. Okay. blend it up. You're done. So that's almond milk. But I'll use Khalifa. And can I just ask, are you using a, what's that blender that everybody loves? Vitamix. Are you using a Vitamix? It is a Vitamix, yeah. I love that I have the hip blender. I thought for sure you're going to be like, I was in an Instagram coma, and there's a new blender called the Samurai's Problem. No, no, no, but I love a Vitamix.

23:39I just want you to get paid. You should get Vitamix money. Let's get you some Vitamix money.

23:42Pete Holmes:I don't know what your issue is with me getting paid for delicious premium, the taste of the north. What if we sell this to Canada Dry? I'm going to cut your entire face out of this, and it's just going to be a can of Canada Dry going up to nothing. I didn't know they made seltzer. I'm going to pretend this is all Phil Rosenthal's episode. If it were, it would be better. He's better than all of us. He is. He is a great person. I really, I hope you understand you're doing this out of love. Of course. All right, sorry. I'm really sorry I keep derailing. And this is why Sarita's like, please just stick to the questions for God's sakes.

24:13Pete Holmes:It's not that the country as a whole found what to do with the aggressively ADHD people. It's like, throw them on podcast. We'll watch. 1 ,000. And we're all just like, da, da, da, da, da, da. 1 ,000%. I've been waiting for this. We can sell ads on this. Yes. Da, da, da, da, da. Don't cut it down. Just cut it any time. Nope, don't cut it in. Some non-ADD person. Me undies. Me undies is here. Yeah. To cover your balls. Do you need your balls covered? We're not selling any ads yet, so don't worry about it. You're not? Not yet, no. You got me on a pre-monetized podcast. Sorry.

24:50We're monetized. We're monetized. We're just looking for full. I'm not doing ads. We have ads. Could you imagine?

24:58Pete Holmes:A non-ADHD person. This doesn't air. These are all just tests. I still enjoy it. Is that all right? It's never going anywhere. I still enjoy it. We're just sending this to Phil Rosenbaum. I didn't know Squarespace could make an easy website. All right, wait, so smoothie, stay with me. I'm really sorry, but I'm going to make you go through it. Almond milk, Khalifa. I'm going to try to remember, and then the first thing I put in is athletic greens. Are we going to get paid by them? No, but I don't love the taste of it. I'm sorry. You're not going to taste it. By the end of this, you're going to taste very little.

25:31Pete Holmes:So that goes in. While you turn it on just the milk, and then you put it in, it's very satisfying. It turns green. Then I put in cachava. Do you know cachava? Uh-huh, I do. It's a plant-based protein. Plant-based, kind of chocolatey, a little flavor. That's right. Well, it depends on which flavor you pick. But if you pick chocolate. The original one I got is chocolate. You don't pick chocolate? What flavor do you pick? Oh. I'm just kidding. Well, they have lots of good flavors. Chocolate is my favorite. I thought the only one is that I did know they came in other flavors. I didn't know they came in other flavors.

26:01Everything can be answered with a Phil Rosenzal bit. Got it. They have a lot of good ones.

26:05Pete Holmes:But chocolate is the best. And then I'm really trying to do this. Okay. I just added the good. Now I'm putting in flax seeds. Okay. Do you want to reduce your risk of colon cancer by 30 %? Men, I'm looking at you. Flax seeds. Flax seeds. A tablespoon of flax seeds every day. So I'm putting that in there. Now I'm running it on high while I put my sauerkraut away because that's the first thing I ate. Deal with it. Lithuanian. Do you actually eat sauerkraut in the morning? Gut health, bro. Do you actually? Gut health, bro. Oh. GHB. Is that what GHB is? But like that is something that when you turn 50, let's have another conversation.

26:39No, no, no. how how's your stomach doing on on a morning full of sauerkraut oh you am I

26:48Pete Holmes:lighting it lighting up the whole kitchen I'm just saying like it's you're definitely bloated yo yo I'm curious if you'll start to bloat maybe men are different I hear you like but that has a lot to do with how like if somebody started eating what I eat they would have diarrhea they would explode they They would have gas. Just a lot of plants. So if you're not used to that, I'm also very used to eating sauerkraut. What is this, the worst podcast? I know. No, no, no. No, because of me. Nobody wants to hear this. You're doing great. But I'm like, well, I eat a lot of plants. No, I love it. The people want to hear what you're eating.

27:23He works at Barstool now. No, he's dying.

27:24Pete Holmes:He's gone. He's at Barstool Sports. I know when Damien's bored. Damien's been bored on some of these, and it's not this one. How many hockey parks do you own? He's on the new. How do you? Everybody wants to hear this. How many hockey pucks do you own? It's a whole podcast. So, sorry. We're starting from the beginning. You wake up and you eat sauerkraut in the morning. Okay. You want to get really weird. I want Pete Holmes. What Pete Holmes eats in a day. Let's start from the beginning. Well, we're getting up. We're drinking a shit ton of water. Okay. Good for you. Like a giant mason jar with element.

27:55Pete Holmes:Do you know what element is? And it also has creatine in it. I don't do. I'm not a weight lifter, as you've pointed out many times. But it's very good for your cognitive health. It's also just good for muscle health. Also creatine exists in meat. I don't eat meat. So I need to get that muscle strength. It's very good for your strength. So I drink that in the morning. Drink that in the sun. Who cares? You didn't ask, but we're getting sunlight. Fantastic. Love that vitamin D. Being in the sun for 20 minutes a day is very, I'm not going to make some claim, incredibly good for you. They're rethinking the sun.

28:24Pete Holmes:Very good in the morning. Then while this is happening, there is a little container of E3 Live. Do you know what that is? No. Welcome to Snacks, the f***ing boring version. This is the boring version. B3 Live is blue-green algae. It's incredibly, it has like 4 ,000 % of your B12. B12 is in. Meat. I don't eat meat. You've got to get that B12. We used to get it from the soil. It's not in the soil anymore. B12 is energy. B12 keeps your hair from turning gray. B12 is everything. You want B vitamins for energy, my man. Sorry, I called you my man. I call everybody my man. Here we are. I understand. So that needs to de-thaw.

29:01Pete Holmes:E3 Live. It's also very good for your cognitive health. So the first thing I'm going to do is drink that water while I'm sitting outside. Usually reading. Let's get something in there. Don't check your f***ing email until 1 p.m. I'm just going to say. F*** you. I can't sit outside. I can't sit outside. I don't f***ing live in L.A. Where do you live? Sit on your fire escape and kiss Spider-Man upside down. I don't care where you do it. Get some sunlight. It's reflecting off the Chrysler building. Somebody throws up on your shoes. Get outside. Okay, fair. Yes. Continue on. Continue. It is California.

29:29Yeah, okay. It is Ohio Valley. I live in Ohio.

29:32Pete Holmes:Oh, hi. Got it. And then, okay, so drink that water. But it's nice to start slow. Start gentle. Read something good. Blah, blah, blah. Sure. Go inside. Now we're going to eat that sauerkraut. I might pick an orange. Oh, my God. Now we're bragging. Now we're flexing. We've gotten to the flex part of the show. Maybe I'll pick an orange. Okay, got it. I hate this. I hate who I've been. I'm excited. I hate who I've been this all time. Figs. Any figs? Do you pick figs? We don't have figs. Okay. Orange. That's the Tostinos of fruits. Oh, God. I have no idea. I'm like, I live in New Jersey. I don't know what I'm picking.

30:05Keep going.

30:06Pete Holmes:You're doing great. Now we're going to make that smoothie. We're at the flaxseed on the smoothie. Flaxseed. While the blender is on high, I'm going to put the sauerkraut away, and I'm going to get the greens out. We're going to put, okay, there's other things that go in the smoothie. Walnuts, very good for your brain. They look like little brains. They do. That's a little clue. They do. It's a little clue that it's good for your brain. We're also going to add Brazil nuts. brazil nuts are very high in selenium yes selenium selenium but only one or two you're only supposed to have like four okay I'm bigger than you but yeah yeah you're not supposed to have a lot very high in calories selenium is very good for your thyroid so what are we protecting we're protecting our colon we're checking our brain we're protecting our thyroid write this down I'm just going to write it down with someone's turning this into a social post while all that is being blended we're gonna turn it off now now now we're going to put in what I'll call an ungodly amount of greens.

30:59Pete Holmes:It's either going to be kale or spinach. Spinach is tricky. You get a lot of minerals. You might get a kidney stone. So you want to mix up your greens. But you're going to put in more than you would put in a salad, like a lot. A lot. A lot. Now we're going to weigh that down with frozen blueberries. Blueberries promote weight loss. You've already called me fat many times. Strawberries. Red food is also good for weight loss, but it's also just good to get these micronutrients in you. Yes. We're going to blend all of that. that's the smoothie Wow then after you drink that the e3 has melted and you hold that on your tongue for 10 cents this is LA this is LA and then you get in your convertible and you have a martini and you call Marty Scorsese you're the original Marty Supreme what color Porsche do you drive I don't know what color it is that's what the poor people do they see the color I see the interior.

31:50Pete Holmes:You let me know what color it was as I run over your dog. Okay, what is your favorite breakfast? Favorite breakfast like honestly no smoothies, like go to a diner. Yeah, diner breakfast. Without a doubt, chicken and waffles. Without a doubt fried chicken and waffles. That's fantastic. Go to lunch. Okay. Go to lunch.

32:15Pete Holmes:That's a slur to us. knee slapping we don't like that I didn't mind when you did it actually but I'm going to let you know for other comedians I won't do it anymore that's a slur it is, it's a slur to my people is it actually? we're on the Rosetta Stone does it say it? how can I make that legitimate for you? I'm a comedian, I'm telling you we don't like it what's your go to lunch? what do we eat for lunch? this is going to make me just like unrelatable, on my helicopter it's usually hard to hear Yeah, of course. From Ohio to Los Angeles. You know, I do eat a lot of salads. Don't hate. No. Don't hate.

32:52Pete Holmes:What's your salad? Well, I mean, I usually will be out for lunch. I'll go to some place where they have like a nice. OK, got it. And my protein on that will be something like tofu. OK. I think Wildwood makes this like high protein tofu if I'm making it at home. Wow. 70 grams in a block. That's a lot. Grab it up. I sometimes cook that with some tamari. Nice. I'll have some tamari if you need it. And that's very good. And so salads, things. Sometimes I have another smoothie. I don't know. Wow. Oh, lentil soup. That's a big one for us non-meaties. I love lentil soup, but that's another thing. I can't, I don't eat a lot of beans in general.

33:32It's time.

33:33Pete Holmes:Have you had the... I don't even know what that is. I don't know what that is. My fallopian tube's tied. I don't know what you're... I had a colonoscopy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at the context. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a colonoscopy. Let's observe the context. I couldn't understand. I've had it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they didn't tell you why your shit's all f***ed? No, it's not. They were just like, sorry, shit's all f***ed. No, no, no, no, it's not. Was your doctor smoking when he did his diagnosis? I don't know if this guy's legit. No, no, no. No, no. Here's what I'll say. Are you taking probiotics?

34:04I am taking probiotics. Now, listen, I'm very much about probiotics. I'm very much about gut health. I am very much about like greens leafy greens all those things. I'm not a big smoothie drinker.

34:15Pete Holmes:What's your blood type? I don't know I should know Wow I know Wow I'm actually really surprised that you are such a health You can say fan say it

34:31Freak I'm so sorry fan I couldn't do it. I was having a part time with it. Health freak is the term. I really thought that you were an unhealthier eater. Not in a way that, like, I just thought you appreciated fun food.

34:51Pete Holmes:I thought that's what we were going to be talking about, but you dragged me into the health food aisle. Well, I just want to know, like, what's your, then what's your... Let me tell you. I'm being bad. No, you're doing wonderful. No, no, no, I'm asking you, like, what's your I'm being bad food? My I'm being bad food? Yeah. I love a chocolate, a peanut butter filled pretzel. I love peanut butter in general. I know that doesn't sound very fun. I love... Peanut butter filled pretzel was Margaret Cho's answer as well. Did you know that? Margaret Cho. Me and Margaret Cho have a lot in common. But peanut butter filled pretzel, because I said combos.

35:23Pete Holmes:Well, we now know Margaret Cho's Netflix password. So let's... Oh, I didn't know that. Get on there. Oh, my God. It's peanut butter filled pretzel. Oh. All lower caps. It's the worst. All lower case. You're having a great time. What? You're doing great. No, no, okay. You're doing great. I didn't know he had a password. Peanut butter filled pretzel. Keep going. But that's not a good answer. I love ooey gooey butter cake, the ice cream at Jenny's. If I'm going to eat ice cream, which I do all the time, I want it to have something serious folded into it. Yes. And the only one that satisfies that to my taste is ooey gooey butter cake.

36:02Pete Holmes:I don't want cookie dough hiding in the, oh, you found me. I want it to be like every spoon. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just steal a plate from John Goodman in the 90s? Yes. What is this? Is someone worried about me? 100%, yes. It's like heavy? Yes. I want my spoon to be heavy and ice cream to be like, we're also here. And it's like, nobody cares, bitch. Have you had the Bramble Berry Crisp, Jenny's? Bramble Berry Crisp. Well, I'm not in an all-bear band at Disneyland, so I haven't. I know, I know. It's a really wild name, but I'm telling you, please, can you go and make sure you have some? You have to have it.

36:36Bramble Berry Crisp? It's so good. It is my favorite Jenny's flavor. It sounds too berry-forward. No, no, no, but you love a berry. You're putting a ton of them in your smoothie every morning.

36:44Pete Holmes:But, yeah, look, I appreciate and I feel seen that you remember my love of berries, but when I'm in a dessert, I want it to be more savory. Let me tell you, what's your worst green room snack you've ever had backstage? W worst green room snack like like what they have yeah like what do you not want it when you go backstage a human head that's good just like a severed human head what have you actually encountered well they don't have anything back there unless it's in your rider and now I should tell you it's just corn flakes and I'm enough because I just want to Carbo a little sugar just just white is corn flakes your go-to cereal no what's your go-to cereal don't say Kashi Look at my face.

37:25What do you think it is? Let me guess. Grape nuts. Puffins. Shredded wheat. Something not fun. You mean go to like horrible.

37:34Pete Holmes:I'm talking about what is my, like the best cereal. Okay, yeah. What's the, well, I don't know how you're going to answer this. I don't eat cereal because I'm a grown man. Okay. But if I were to eat cereal, I'm going to eat the best cereal. Which is? One, two, three. Rice Krispies. What the f*** is wrong with you? What the f***? What the heck is wrong with you? Rice Krispies, the dust bowl cereal? Pa, we left the silo open and the rice turned into something? Cinnamon Toast Crunch shouldn't have been my answer. He said, don't worry, we'll eat it with milk! Rice Krispies, an old person's dandruff in a bowl.

38:09I thought you were just going to be like, you can't eat rice.

38:12Pete Holmes:All those grubs we were growing for protein died. It's Rice Krispies. Just tell people it snaps, crackles and pops. the saddest cereal that they had to make into bricks with marshmallows to salvage it. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a very good answer. No, it's the correct answer. That's your go-to. He's just... Raise your hand if Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the best cereal. Okay, really? I'm curious. What do you think it is? Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs? Damien, what is the best cereal? I'm not mad. I'm just shocked. Damien, what's the best cereal? On a show dedicated to snacks. The best cereal is Golden Grahams.

38:50Raise your hand if the best cereal is Golden Grahams.

38:53Pete Holmes:Oh, my God. You were homeschooled. I didn't know you were homeschooled. I can't. All the sweet-tasted graham cracker in bite-sized bites. Who wants kindergarten snack time but on a spoon? Why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch the best cereal? Because heaven itself comes into your mouth, and you taste it, and you feel like Wendell, the fat baker. When was the last time you had some? I will get stoned and run out and buy Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Or one Christmas, I got Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs, and Frosted Flakes. The cereal is so good you can hear it. You don't know you know the sound of the back of a spoon tamping down.

39:32100%.

39:32Pete Holmes:Corn Flakes is just Frosted Flakes naked. Absolutely. Same sound. That sound, that's a take you back to your childhood. But Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs is a good one if you want a break from Cinnamon Toast Crunch. and then you're gonna close on cinnamon toast but I gave that to my wife one Christmas we still talk about it it was that's a great gift it's a great gift it's big what is this yeah yeah this anticipation yeah don't touch it 100 really light when you pick it up it's a great gift a great gift I've given a lot of tips how to get enough b12 I just give more gut health advice than I think we'll ever, ever get on snacks again.

40:12If you could sit down with any comedian in history and share a snack, what would it be and what would you eat?

40:17Pete Holmes:That's a hard one. Well, I want to laugh. Yep. I don't want to, like, learn. Yeah, who wants to learn? Like, you want, like, a lot of comedians... You made me Pete's playing those things. I think it might be Brian Regan. Oh, my gosh. Stop it. So good. Don't give me a full Lithuanian energy for Brian Regan. Sorry, sorry, sorry. But so good. He's a dream guest, too. Yeah. I think you could do it. I think I could. I think you could do it. Yeah. Brian, do it. Brian, if you're listening, come on snacks. Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. 100%. Okay, so you'll sit with him. Yeah. Just because I think, like, if you watch his Comedians in Cars, a lot of great comedians did that show.

41:01Pete Holmes:Yep. But the only one that's actually making Jerry laugh is Brian Regan. 1 ,000%. First of all, we would watch such great TV together, you and I. 1 ,000 % watching him make Jerry laugh is the joy of joys. I could watch that episode 20 times. Completely agree. And then if you want examples of very, very funny people not making him laugh, you can watch every other episode. A hundred percent as well. But the best part of that episode, too, is— Guess who was never asked. Oh, I'm sorry, Pete. I would have loved to be in a vintage Volvo. You would have loved to have been involved. I got a Volvo because Pete is a real boring guy.

41:35Pete Holmes:He's very healthy. He drives around me. He's a granola. Blue green algae Why is it blue? Why is it green? Big one Blue green Make a new lime I'm going to do I'm going to take us to Oh, what would we eat? What would you eat? Yeah Well, chicken and waffles, yeah We'd go to Roscoe's That's great Where's Roscoe's? Where is it? Yeah It's in L.A. Oh, in L.A. Los Angeles California Alright, next time I'm going to have to try that You've never heard of it? Roscoe's chicken and waffles? No, I'm going to have to try it next time I'm going to do a fast I'm going to do a fast speed round. You have to answer these super fast.

42:11Ready?

42:11Pete Holmes:How about I get to answer them super fast? Okay. Snack that best represents the meaning of life? The cereal life. Snack that represents your inner child? Hostess cupcakes. Which are the chocolate ones? Did I say Twinkies? Okay. Fair enough. I love being mean to you. I know that one. I got it. Did I say Twinkies? You didn't. You said Hostess cupcakes. I'm so sorry, Ted. Did I say snowballs? Snacks that feel most spiritually evolved. Well, I think non-resistance is a big spirit. I see the angle you're trying to push me into. I appreciate it. It's very subtle. Let's hear it.

42:52This is the opposite of speed round. Continue.

42:55Pete Holmes:I already had the answer. What was it? It was speedy up here. What was it? Like and subscribe if you want to be up here. take five because it includes everything wow okay belongs yeah um snack that represents the illusion of control kitkat oh there's four of us get the out of here snack that your higher self would eat sorry what snack that your higher self would eat snack that my higher self would eat any snack that any of us eats? Give me one. Just one. We only require one answer. Okay. I don't know what you're after there. I don't actually either, because Sarita wrote that question. Snack that your higher self would eat.

43:39That's evolved. Your most evolved being.

43:43Pete Holmes:Okay. It would be... I think blue-green algae might be the answer. Be a very sloppy hoagie, so when I bite it, you know when you bite it things spill out tomatoes and big things like turkey and lettuce spills out and my friends can eat some too oh beautiful snack that makes it weird Kit Kat you f***ing nerd snack that makes it weird I really I don't like these aren't good speed round questions I know they're not they're thoughtful questions it's like peanut butter or jelly stew or soup no no no but that's why I like it because I appreciate this Rita because you have to think but like your brain has to just like spit something out i suppose in all fairness i don't think i wrote speed round i think i wrote it like snack existentialism i always think that's what you wrote in all fairness in all fairness i didn't read i just had to defend myself i love that she's so she's so great i love sarita she's the best just don't steal her she's the best though i'm selling you no don't don't steal it okay so what was it oh that makes it weird the snack that makes it weird because you get the tie-in you made it weird is your show snacks are you leading me i'm trying to get you around this one uh-huh yeah i'm just i want to get it right it's not it's not the speed round anymore okay so slow it down slow it down the snack that makes it weird there's a correct answer here because there's something that when you eat it it tastes so wrong so weird and that snack you know what i'm going to say is that going to be a hot take i think honey if you grew up watching winnie the pooh and he's like i love honey honey honey honey then you're a kid you eat honey and you're like what is this sugar went inside of a bees asshole is honey a snack?

45:37Pete Holmes:It is if you're Amish. That's Christmas, baby. Jebediah, get the comb for it's Christmas Day. Everyone have some honey. How do we know? When the moon is up in the special place. I don't know how to top that. I don't. I literally don't know how to top that. Okay. I'm going to ask you, honey is a wild answer, and I'm very excited for us to have it. It's a hot take. Now we're going to do... Hot honey. This is the speed round. Okay. On a scale of one to ten, one being completely bizarre and not delicious, and ten being totally delicious, you have to say one to ten and give me a quick why. Okay. One to ten.

46:24Pete Holmes:All right. Anchovy toast. Three. Pineapple on pizza. Three. Wow, this is great. We're really good. Cool Ranch Doritos. Ten. Why? It's a perfect chip. It's like sex on a chip. Put it on your tongue. Your brain is confused. Am I getting sex right now? No. Frito-Lay is here. Just let us drive. And you're like, okay. Wake up like a werewolf. Instead of blood and feathers, it's crumbs. Little orange crumbs. You're welcome. McDonald's Diet Coke. Better than the others. Stored in metal. One to ten. And the yellow-red straw. It's so true. The paper straws. One hundred percent. One to ten, though. I'll give that an eight.

47:19In-N-Out fries.

47:21Pete Holmes:I don't know them. Oh. You've never met? Not well enough to recall it. I've had it, but I can't remember. Not a good sign. I'll just give it a three. Dipping fries in a milkshake. 10. What are you saying? Carnivore diet. I feel like we already got there. I'll give that diarrhea. Ketchup on eggs. No. Zero. One. No, because other people like it. I'll give it a five, but it's not for me. What do you eat on your eggs? Hot sauce. How do you take your eggs? Scrambled. Dry or wet? More dry. Let's leave wet out of my breakfast. Let's leave it in the past, in your childhood. Let's leave it on my hands.

48:00Let's leave it on your hands.

48:01Pete Holmes:When I was 12. You've been a delight. This has been a roller coaster, though. A real rodeo, I've got to say. You've been a delish. Aw, thanks. Do you have a Skittles game for me? Delight. Do you want to do Skittles? Delish. Do you want Skittles? This is a game my wife and I play at the movies because Skittles. We happen to have Skittles here. Is another go-to movie candy for me. I love it. Oh, you're pouring some out. I have to be able to. Get to them. Got it. So the game is called. Whoops. That's right.

48:33By the way, this is a handy candy frame. But I ordered it on Amazon.

48:37Pete Holmes:Oh, that gets a plug? Oh, I can't say you made it weird any more times. Should I say five more times? We're here to promote the special. The special's on YouTube. Oh, the special's on YouTube. Oh, the host just joins us. What's the show? Tell us about it quick. Quick! You have no time. Is this a speedrun? All right, look. It's called Silly, Silly Fun Boy. It's on YouTube. I'm going to give you three Skittles. Okay. Two of them are going to be the same flavor. Okay. One of them is going to be a different flavor. Okay. You're going to tell me the two flavors. Which one was two and which one was one.

49:09Pete Holmes:Okay. God. This is the game you play in the story of the movie? I'm realizing this is what I used to play with my ex-wife. I'm just realizing. Oh, boy. So this one goes out to her. Do I close my eyes? Well, if you see them, it's not much of a... Oh, no. It's not a game. Okay. I'm ready. I don't think I could do this. I love the confidence. So for the camera... I'm drawing my hands. You've made me very hand sweat nervous. All right, two of one, one of the other. Okay, and I have to take them all the same. Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's my hand. You look like you've been engaged three times. Oh, my rings?

49:49Pete Holmes:You're like Mrs. T. There's a purple in there, and there's a lemon. Two lemons and a purple. Yeah!

50:02Pete Holmes:Your jewelry's lovely. You don't look like Mrs. T. I'm just riffing. Just riffing. I can't believe I got that. Just riffing. Can you do it? I'm not very good at it, so you nailed it. All right. Close your eyes. I know how to play. I made up the game. All right. Last bit. Ready? Let's see. Oh, your hands are a little sweaty.

50:24Pete Holmes:I remember being bad at this. Mm.

50:33Pete Holmes:I'm worried I'm going to be wrong, but it's all fun. Yeah, it's fun. Because even when you lose, you're eating Skittles. Yep. Two red, one orange. Oh, you had the colors right. Two orange, one red. And very impressive, though. Very impressive. Yeah. Can I tell you a weird snack fact? Please. I did this commercial. Who cares? For Doritos. Yeah. So I got to work with Doritos people a little bit. and they told me one of the food scientists was there i think this is i've said it many times on my own podcast so who cares they told me they can make a flavor like a dust yeah that tastes like any smell and they were like fear is a smell they could make a fear flavored dorito the other examples they gave were like fresh cut grass right they couldn't just for fun they made a dorito that tastes like fresh cut grass fear is one because they're like fear you forget is like is a pheromone and mother is a smell.

51:28Pete Holmes:So like, obviously it's not, but like, there's like, it's probably like breast milk. It might be a little bit of like that. You know that lining? Yeah. Are you afraid of the word labia? No, no, but you're like, I got it. But you were trying to stop me. No, no, no. I don't think bodies are disgusting. No, they're not. I don't think women are disgusting. I don't think moms are disgusting. I don't think moms or motherhood is disgusting, but let me wrap that up for you. I didn't know they had a label. I just don't want to eat it in a chip. Well, that's exactly the right point. They could do a combo flavor that makes you afraid of your mother.

52:01Oh, my God. Can they really?

52:02Pete Holmes:But isn't that crazy? Well, they could. That is wild. They could have some fear chips, some mother chips, and you're like, I don't know why, but Irina gives me the heebie-jeebies. I know that. This has been the Snacks podcast. Have you ever played Bamboozled? Bean Boozled? Is that the huckleberry, bramberry flavor? No, it's the Jelly Belly, like, disgusting jelly bean game, which is they've basically made a flavor of every this and like so what you do is you spin and there's good flavors and there's bad flavors and you some of them are like snot and some of them are like lime and you spin and get green and then you have to pick and sometimes you get snot and sometimes you get lime i bet my daughter would like playing that it's pretty fun how old is your daughter i don't know okay are you a good snack dad or she don't have blue green algae i don't remember where she is

52:54Pete Holmes:my daughter's never had blue green algae she will eat sauerkraut though oh good for her that is very cool um i think i'm a good snack dad we get her like uh trader joe's bamba you know the bamba that's fun yeah those are fun um she eats meat and she eats all the things i don't impose my stuff you're you're gripping no no i'll be over here with radiant skin if If you're ever curious why. He does look good for people listening. You've been a joy. It's really been fun. Thank you for coming. Thanks for having me. And good luck on Colbert. I'm sorry that we're not. Did I mention that? I'm sorry we're not Colbert, but we're excited for you.

53:28We'll be watching. I didn't know he was doing Colbert. Thanks so much for joining me and Pete Holmes today on Snacks. Please make sure that you follow and like and subscribe anywhere you get your podcasts. And make sure you check us out on all social platforms at Snacks Podcasts.

53:51We'll be right back.