Chris Fleming Returns Again

24:10He looks so rough. Yeah. He does. Oh, in the painting. No, he still looks pretty. Yeah. He looks like Hans Zimmer in that one. Now, why'd they do a fat one of him? They always do a fat one. Why is he fat in that one? That's got to be someone else. Yeah. I thought he was a little more fanciful. Like, yeah, I imagine like a lot of cool outfits. Oh, God. A pillar of the French establishment. I mean, I've never. I don't know. I don't. Why were we talking about him? Who's McConaughey running? Yeah. Everyone wants to be president. I don't know. It's very funny to me. Oh, what I was going to tell you.

24:41Yeah. I went to a one person show. Yeah. In one of these cities in Europe. Oh, OK. OK. I was pretty stoned. I got pretty stoned. Yeah. Out of my mind. You were abusing marijuana. I was abusing marijuana as I am want to do. I went to this one person show. It was, you're going to think I'm exaggerating when I say this, Chris. You're going to think, oh, Caleb's being silly. He's doing it for effect. It was one hour of screaming. Are you being silly? Are you doing this for effect? It was an hour of screaming. The only time that the screaming stopped. It is a black box theater, pretty full. One person on the stage screaming.

25:16Oh, you don't. Screaming. Not screaming words. No. We're not talking Bobcat Goldthwait. Yeah. Screaming. Okay. You stayed? Stopped. Had to. Couldn't leave. It was a hard way to leave. You'd have to walk through the scream. It was screaming, screaming, screaming. Walk through the scream. The only time that the person stopped screaming was to drink a glass of milk in front of us. Stopped screaming. Walked into the room to start the show. Sat down a glass of milk. Stepped back. Began screaming. Screamed and screamed and screamed. Guttural screams. Moans. Body twisting. Screaming, screaming. me stopped drank the milk in front of us for maybe 30 seconds one of these big one of those back to screaming scream the whole time i'm laughing hysterically yes yes i don't know if it's what they wanted yes but i will say at one point i was laughing so much that they laughed a little bit the performer like they in the middle of the screen i was laughing so hard that i don't think they had a choice yeah like they in the middle of the screen they were like this they're Like, they laughed a little bit at my laugh.

26:18Yeah, that's clowning. Clowns, they're going to marry you. Clowns, I can't get into today. Oh, I know. I know. You obviously know that's going to be a trigger for me. I know. I can't get into it with clowns today. There's six clowns in LA that if given the chance, I would put them behind bars. Oh, yeah. When the Hulu series comes out about the fucking clown scene. There's six clowns in LA that I would put behind bars. Oh, my God. Instantly. Really, it just, clowning, it just teaches you to be comfortable bombing is really all that is. Being okay wasting an audience's time. And they're really confident when they do it.

26:55Yeah, because that's the whole practice.

27:05Chris, I'm begging you.

27:11And obviously the beard is bouncy. It is the most cubic beard. They're naked for no reason. The clothes have to come off when the clowns do their thing. Sometimes in a way that you're like, it could have never enhanced the bit. Well, the clown master always suggests the hotties get nude. Yeah, of course. I think your clown might be naked. Some of the uggos are getting naked as well, though. You have to admit, Chris, I've seen some ugly naked clowns. Do you remember the first time you were asked earnestly if you were taking clown classes? Has this happened to you? Yes. They try to claim me. They say, you got it in you.

27:49Hey, kid, you got it in you. They try to claim me. No, because you write. Yes. You couldn't clown because you write. That's right. Not all clowns don't write. There are some clowns that write. Natalie Palomides writes. Oh, she's different. She's great. Yeah. There are some of them that write. But I'm saying a lot of them, the reason they've come to clowning is because they looked at every possible talent, saw none of it in themselves, and said, I can roll around. And that's how they got there. And so, of course, you're not going to end up there. Yes. That's a lot of the clowns. Completely. Natalie is also the only performer, the only comedian who has ever, during my set, but we've been on a lineup together, I was doing stand-up, and the audience starts laughing at something that I'm not doing, and I look around, and Natalie's on stage with me.

28:35I want to do that at one of your shows. It is the funny. She was just, imagine just seeing Natalie. Why'd she come out? Did you beckon? She had me be a deer in her thing. Yeah. And so she thought it was a two-way street. Which I get. I mean, I get. I mean. Wait, can I tell you something that you might not know about our friendship? Yes. Mine and yours' friendship? Oh, yeah. I came, I was in Chicago when you taped your special, and I tried to come to your after party. I heard about this. You went to the blind barber. I ended up, so I went to the first after party location and it was like a club.

29:11It was like a cage fight, right? It was a club with like teenagers waiting to get in. Yeah, I think there was a really wealthy man who was hunting people. Yeah. I walked up and saw the line and I said, this can't be the place. And it was. Yeah. And then I got text messages that said, go to this other place. I went to a hotel. I walked in the hotel and I go, I'm here for the after party. And they go, ah, one moment. Ramon, a man named Ramon comes over and walks me down a staircase into a basement. That guy was the fucking worst. I escorted into a speakeasy. He turned me away. What? Yeah. Well, how'd you get in?

29:45I forget. I was so out of it. Yeah. Anyway, but you were there. I go to the speakeasy. You're not there. Let me, for the record, I did not select a speakeasy. I go to the speakeasy. I am so against speakeasy. It was the backup venue because your first place didn't work. Yes. And then I ended up in the speakeasy. I'm bad at places. If it were up to me, it would be a field. And I wasn't there for long. Because I said, Chris is not coming. I convinced myself you weren't going to come. I was like, this is some kind of bit. This is some sort of performance piece. There was a lady who was at the stage door who wanted to tell me that I bought her car.

30:23I just shot the special two shows. So I'm a complete scout. Husk, yeah. I'm just like, huh? And there's a woman who's like, you bought my car. Please believe me. And you need to do this to the battery. Because she was right. The battery, I was needing to get the car jumped every morning. I need to turn the battery. Because it's this car. It's like a six-pound car. It's true. Like a meep meep. This is the one that's like European. It drives on the wrong side. Japanese. I drive on the wrong side. And don't you keep getting pulled over? Cops are like, cops drive by. and they're like, should we shoot the tire?

31:01You know what, we got bigger fish to fry. But I'm almost getting, I'm almost going away for a long time in that thing. Yeah. Every single day. And she told you a trick about the battery that worked? Finally. Well, then good that she found you, right? I thought that you could get roadside assistance by Geico for free, but if you jump it continually, you wouldn't believe. And also, it's already hiked up because I won't get into what I've done on the road. I treat my neighborhood like it's my driveway Yeah So I do a lot of rolling stops You know You're not stopping fully at stop signs In your neighborhood Of course, it's your neighborhood Yeah That's okay It's considered a rolling stop On a Vespa Yeah I use my legs a lot to drive Because my legs That's good There's more My legs and knees are more dexterous than these God gave you legs for a reason Yeah Drive with them God gave me the ladies for a reason Yeah, the girls Yeah, as I call them You do.

31:56I said, where are the girls? And you come skimpering in. Yeah. Madam, mademoiselle. Exactly. You know, this is my comedy leg, and this is the leg I tore my meniscus. Irish step dancing when I was in high school. Did you have to? In my bedroom. I can't. Did you have to have surgery? Oh, of course I did. I had to have surgery. They told me I'd never dance again. And I had to recover under. I printed out a tiny, there's a tiny little clipping of Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. I don't know who that is. He has every cluster B personality disorder. Okay. Okay. I had a little clipping of him, and I'm recovering in my bed underneath this, and he was just out of arm's reach.

32:32I couldn't tear him down, because I was trying to be like Michael Flatley in my bedroom. Have you danced since? Oh, yeah. Socially, yeah. Okay. No, I was a dance minor in college, almost. Really? Dance like concentration. You were almost a dance minor in college. I met the choreography class. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, what did you get surgery for? I had football. Forget it. I can't think of something more delineating between the two of us than that both of us had surgery in high school. Connecting piece. Yeah. Both of them were on our knees. Yes. Which knee? Right. Yeah, me too. You know something crazy?

33:04House left? Put your fingers right here where mine are. I thought you'd never ask. And then get your foot off of my foot. Sorry. He's boundaried. Hold on. Hold on. You better not be doing a party trick right now. No. What is it? It's because I turned my angle weird. Hold on. I'm going to untangle from you. Hold on. Okay. Hold on. What am I feeling for? Hold on. Oh, I'm hearing something. Hold on. You better not be doing Pilates right now. It's legit not doing it anymore. Oh, there it goes. Okay. Here. Yeah. I'll bring you up like this. You ready? Yeah. The way this is going to go viral on Tumblr.

33:37Oh! You felt it. You felt it. What is that? Well, that's my fake, my fake, my thing from my surgery. Yeah. My cartilage in between the two bones had gotten like this bone and this bone were rubbing against each other and snapping off on the ends. And my coach told me to stop being a pussy and play through it. And I did. And then I had to get surgery. And then after I got surgery, I was like 15. My mom was like, you can keep playing football if you want, but I would recommend finding something else to do. And I did. I started doing student council. That's much better. Did you get along with the football people?

34:15Is there anything that it'll do or no? I'm trying to think. No fun pops or anything? I mean, nothing predictable. Well, if you don't have one, you don't have to make one. If you grab both of these and you start swinging me around, like an old laundry basket, I'll start to scream. Oh. Yippee! Let's do it later. Miss Pat picked me up like that once and I'm on a panel. I love being here with you. Who? Miss Pat. Oh, I've heard of her. I love being here with you. I don't know her. Oh, she's wonderful. I've only heard of her. Oh, she's amazing. She seems great. So funny. Yeah? She picked me up truly like a picnic basket.

34:50Why did she pick you up? It was in context. But she grabbed me by... I guess I'm asking what the context is. I can get really small. Oh, we were just on a panel. You can get really small. I can get super small. I'm like an octopi. You know how octopi can go down the drain? Yeah. That's you? Yeah. You were on a panel and she had to pick you up. Yeah. Yeah, we were carrying the panel because it was a lot of quiet. people were kind of just being quiet and we were just saying shit and not understanding each other and I think it was a punitive measure. How often are you getting invited to something and saying no?

35:25What would you think? I'm in like the hundreds per day at this point. You say no. I love saying no. I'm not talking interpersonally. There would be no valor in turning down like hanging out with friends. I'm talking like work events. Some of the things that they come up with to invite you to. I mean don't you just find it's like it gets crazier every day completely like the sticky awards would really love to have you show face on the green carpet the sticky they need you to show up on the green carpet they need you they need you there and it's in buffalo and it's in buffalo and it's in buffalo and a comedian you don't like is hosting yes just so you know and they'd love for you to come they do not have a budget it's weird you it's it's never adjacent to what you to like the taste that you think would like you either yeah it's it i don't know how it how it happens yeah i i often uh forget to respond to things that's okay and um that's that's i feel like you say no a lot i feel like you're i i start i live at no and i have to be dragged out of it with a knife to my throat yeah i would say is how i would describe my approach to going to things like events or like doing things work events like like even like or even guesting on podcasts i'm sure you're saying know to i don't go on a lot of podcasts i go on my friend's podcasts i'll go like when i'm promoting something i'll i'm sure the next time i have to promote something i'll go on a bunch but that's not because i'm better than it or anything it's just because i spend so much time doing my own podcast that if i say yes to all these other podcasts all of a sudden 12 hours a week i'm podcasting well if you do the wrong podcast you truly feel like you're at the gynecologist the way that they're it's really bad yeah it's really really bad yeah it shaves six to eight months off my life.

37:06Yeah. Doing the wrong ones. 100%. And you know the second it starts you go, oh I made a big mistake. Yeah when it's like, oh yeah I just I get really really scared. Chris why are you the way you are? Oh god. Well answer them. Chris hold on answer them.

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41:14You're really good at preserving, I think, yourself, probably. Well, I need to be hanging out most of the time. Yeah. That's part of my... That's so smart. We need to be having nothing to do most of the time. Don't you think? Yeah. A day where there's something on my calendar is tyranny. Same. I feel like no one has ever gone through anything worse than what I have to go through if I have a 4 o 'clock, 20-second call. Yeah. No, for real. I truly am like, this is... I've long said this. This is Dust Bowl era. Yes. Me and my hound. Yeah, yeah. I have my... Going from town to town. What's it called?

41:52Rucksack. Yes, but there's another one. Catalan? No, you put it over your shoulder. My bendel. You know bendel? Bendel? Bendel. It's a bisexual kindle? No. Okay. You take a cloth and you tie it around a stick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know a bendel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know a bendel. Donald Duck would use it when he'd fall on hard times. Yeah. When Daisy would kick him out. The ant. For cheating. Do you think he cheated? I know he cheated. Have you ever cheated? No. No. Me neither. but I'm fascinated by it. By cheating? Yeah, because it is hot. In fiction, it's hot. You know, don't you think people are probably having a really hot time?

42:31Here's what I'm saying. Do I cheat? No, I'm not a cheater. I've always been of the mind that if you're not enjoying someone, you should just leave them and go do what you wanted to do. However, I think people who are cheating are having a very hot time. Yeah. Don't you think when they're cheating, they're going, fuck, this is so hot that I'm cheating right now. I think that's why they do it. I think, yes. I think this is a lot of what you see at a certain type of bad restaurant. You see a lot of people cheating. A lot of bald guys in their 50s. I'm scared. I think that whenever you see a guy in blazer and jeans, he's at least trying to cheat.

43:04He wants to cheat. He's open to cheating. Or the Seinfeld sneakers with suit trying to cheat. Wow. Yeah. That's really scary to think about. Trying and failing to cheat, I think there is. If you hit your chin on the pool and don't pull it off, I think there is a ring of hell for that. Yeah. That's a really good point. Airport bars. I got really scared when you said bad restaurant because I think you might be talking about some of my favorite places. Well, I have terrible... You know I've never given a restaurant recommend. No one's ever come to me for restaurant recs. That makes sense to me. People don't want to know where I eat.

43:36Yeah. You know I'm mostly... I do, but I don't want to go. I'm post-food. I'm mostly drinking stuff. I know. I'm really actually starting to get... I know it's been like a thing we've talked a lot about in our friendship and it's been kind of a recurring theme when you come on the show. I am approaching a point where I'm worried about your boba consumption. Malnourish. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your boba consumption is getting out of control. Well, there's a theory that I metabolize sugar like alcohol, so I might be getting fucked up. I may have just... When I was drinking, it may have just been the mixers that were fucking me up.

44:04I think I've told you this. Yeah. Okay, yeah. You said there's a theory that, and by that you just mean you've kind of thought maybe... People DM me, hey, I think this is what's happening. Like a lot of like... I hope they're medical people, but there's like a way that sugar can be metabolized. They're not. just so you know. With all my love, they are not. They are not medical people. Maybe, yeah, you might be right. But no, I should cut back on Boba. I'm just worried about your dependency on it. Not because I care about what you put in your body. I don't worry about that kind of stuff. I just mean what's going to happen someday if you don't have access to Boba?

44:41I thought about like a yellow jacket situation. Exactly like that, yeah. I'd go crazy. Yeah. I mean, I would write a manifesto day one of not being able to have boba. I would occupy a state building the second. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're going to see me on the roof in a muumuu. Yeah. Yeah. Occupying a state building because you don't have boba. Please. I really do. I'm concerned about the day this happens. What's your crutch? My crutch? Oh, everything. I eat whore. I love to have a good time. Yes. I love to have a good time. Keep the party going, too. Carpe diem. I like to have a Dr. Pepper. I like to have a big iced vanilla latte.

45:19I'll tell you something about Europe. They think they got a lot of things figured out. Their buildings may be older Their languages may be more beautiful But America is the greatest fucking country on earth because we have iced vanilla lattes on every corner They don't do vanilla They won't figure out how to do ice in the lattes a lot of them And they're small, right? It's like little Well, they're tiny and they think they're just so much better than us because they're all thin and cultured and they've been to a million countries And they resolve their issues with each other if they have interpersonal stuff.

45:44It just makes me upset Yeah, it just makes me upset. I love traveling. I get really angry when I go there To Europe? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a beautiful time looking at the museums, but the coffee situation is out of control. You know I'm coming over here. Make me one. Totally. I found a vanilla syrup plug in Amsterdam. What? The young ladies who worked at the coffee shop I was staying next to in Amsterdam, vanilla is not on the menu. But I went in. I said, is it possible for me to get an iced vanilla latte? I know. I know. Kill me. Shoot me dead. And they go. They laughed. And they said, it's not on the menu, but we have some that we keep just for us.

46:16We'll give you some. and every day I was in Amsterdam and I went and they made me an ice vanilla latte. Except for on the fourth day, I go in there, new girl working. And I go, hey, some of the other people who work here have been hooking me up with an ice vanilla latte. I don't know if you'd be interested in perhaps doing the same. Throw me a bone. She goes, we don't have vanilla on the menu. Right. I go, no, no, I know. I just, I know that right in that little fridge over there. She was a company man. She was a company man. And it's sick. And she would inform on me in a Nazi situation, by the way.

46:45Oh, yeah. She's a component of the state of Kong. Just keep cupping the balls of the man. You know who that is? That's someone who retweets SNL videos. Yeah. Just corporate. Doing grassroots organizing for Lorne Michaels. I said, I know, but there's a bottle back there. And she goes, I don't know what you're talking about. I said, okay, I'll have just a latte, ice latte. I'll put sugar in it. I'll put some of that brown sugar in it that doesn't dissolve. That's what I'll do. Sounds good. I'm pissed. We were talking about it before the episode. I'm mad. Yeah. I saw you punching the drywall. I had a bad coffee every day.

47:16You could. I had an old boss at a coffee shop who would smuggle ABBA records into Iran back in the day when it wasn't allowed. You could do this with vanilla syrup. Yeah. Into Amsterdam. They have it. They have access to it. They just don't want to use it. It's a private stash. It's a private stash. They don't want to use it for the customers. They don't want Americans to come around, I think. Yeah. I think they don't like us, which isn't fair. I'm not the government. I'm just Caleb. It's tough to be disliked. I freak out the second someone dislikes me. Really? Oh, yeah. I feel like you're so impervious to that sort of thing.

47:51Do you have a fragile ego? Oh, so fragile. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Very much so. Really? But I'm usually pretty tolerated. Yeah. People haven't. Well, I just downright love you. People haven't had a hard time with me. Yeah. Typically, it's like, okay. You get away with murder, actually. Oh, yeah. You say things about people that I'm like, if I did that, I would be in trouble. Oh, but it only makes them wilder for me when I say it. Yeah. Or bigly, it won't stop ringing me. Yeah. Have you said things about Mike? Oh, so many things. Yeah. I can't stop talking about them. You really get away with these things.

48:24I don't know how. Yeah, I think it's a kink people have. Yeah. Yeah. They want you to talk about them. Yeah. I did this about someone recently where someone was like, you can't do that. Really? Yeah, I forget who it was. Wait, they hit you up, the person you were talking about? No, my friends were like, hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'd love if you did a bit about me. I mean that. I could never. I would love if you did. No. I recently convinced a musician friend to put me in a song. Album's not out yet, but I'm in there. I'm low in the mix. My name is low in the mix. It's like a background vocal?

48:57Yeah, I wouldn't say background. In what context? My name is low in the mix. Key loon. Almost. Who's the musician? I can't say. You're always hanging out with, you're like popping up with like the harps. a chord player from Florence and the Machine. You ever been to church? Oh, yeah. Catholic church. Really? You were Catholic? Oh, yeah. Still are? Yeah. You're Catholic? Yeah. Are you really? Oh, yeah. Do you go? I would occasionally. You believe in the Catholic God? Yeah. I didn't know this about you. And you're going or no going? I go with my family occasionally on holidays. Yeah. Out of fear.

49:34We go out of fear. You being Catholic is really sending me. Oh, Massachusetts, man. But still to this day, Catholicism I'm very surprised by that He's listening right now I guess I don't know much about your politics

49:50We're pretty good friends I feel But I don't know much about your politics actually Huge Jeb Bush woman myself Big Jeb voter I clapped I was really bad at history So what I do is I just get my politics From my most progressive friends And that's where I go off of You know, my mom is a really sweet lady who is not political. Yeah. And I have to check in every once in a while. We had a check in this morning. I checked in about ice. I was like, just want to make sure you know what's going on and want to make sure you're up to date and you hate this and you feel really like this is a bad thing. Yeah.

50:23Because I'm sure she and she does. And of course she does. Yeah. And she was like, yeah, she was like, this is so fucked up. I'm so upset about it. Yeah. And I was like, good. But you just she's a nice enough Midwestern lady. Yeah. That like if a really loud person in a room says something convincingly, she doesn't go along with it or believe it. Yeah. But she'll scratch her head a little bit. From athletic stuff like a full court pickup game, swish, to athletic-ish stuff like a half mile stroll. Get those steps in. Head to Sierra or Sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all.

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51:27With unlimited 2 % cash back on all eligible purchases, unlimited 5 % cash back on flights and prepaid hotels booked through American Express Travel Online, and a flexible spending capacity that can grow with your business, you'll have the confidence to keep building. Apply today and earn a welcome offer of$1 ,500 cash back after you spend$50 ,000 in qualifying purchases on your new card within the first six months of card membership. Terms apply. Learn more at go.amex.com. I think it's tough for people who aren't following the girlies on Instagram. Yeah. I think we can base a lot of what the stories, you know, I see the girlies.

52:00I'm like, okay, I'll follow the girlies. This is where we're going. Yeah. This is where things are headed. When the girlies post about, I'm like, okay, this is where I stand on this. That's where you get things. I'm politically very, very stupid. Are you? Yes. Yes. Wow. History, I could never, cause and effect, I can't understand why the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand led to World War I. And you could sit me down. I didn't know he had passed.

52:27I'll have to send something. That's so sad. To the Ferdinands. Yeah. They're family friends. I know. We have a Sherlock house. It's a long story. I know. You saw the chicks with them. Yeah. Well, I've never seen the chicks. No? Do you know that? I keep getting robbed. What do you mean? I've seen the chicks. It keeps getting stolen from me. I keep meaning to go, and then I got tickets to the chicks, and then I had a job I had to go do. My friends went to the chicks without me on my tickets, my seats. On your dollar? Yes. Well, not my dollar. They were given to me. But, well, maybe I did pay for them.

53:00But the point is, I've never seen the chicks live. They're my favorite band. Yeah. But I've always missed them. I was supposed to see them in Kansas City with a friend. Couldn't be there. Had to be off for work. Have you communicated with them? The chicks? Yeah. They don't speak to me. They don't reach out. And I know that they've heard of me because I talk about them so much. It has to have gotten to them. Yeah. They don't reach out. I think that's really good for them. I think that's wise. Yeah. I want to someday meet all of them on... One of them just opened a laundromat. I'm very proud of her.

53:25Cool. I believe it was Emily. I went to one of those and I was like, I want this for a closet. Laundromat? Like how big all those things are. You know what I'm talking about? The moving thing? I'm afraid I don't. Oh, dry cleaner. Yeah. You're talking about the dry cleaner. I'm thinking about a dry cleaner. That's beautiful. I think that you should have that in your closet. That's what I want. I was just in a hotel with a walk-in closet. That didn't feel like I should be in there. A Sex and the City walk-in? Not quite. Okay. Not quite, but it was nice. Yeah. It was nice and I felt like I shouldn't be.

53:51When I'm in nice places sometimes I go, they know that I shouldn't be in here. Oh, same. Yeah. They go, you should have never come here. No. The way I'm watched in every nice building I'm ever in. Yeah. And they make sure I check out. My check out time is like 7 a.m. They give you a special one. Yeah, 6 a.m. You have to check out at 7. Check out at 6. Yeah. Yeah. And check-ins at 9 p.m. Yeah. When we were in Madrid, we stayed in a hotel that had a 24-hour indoor pool. we were the only ones using it, and we went crazy on it. I crunch these numbers in hotels. There's probably a billion people in the hotel.

54:29Yeah. At any given time. Zero goose egg in the pool. Yeah. No one's enjoying the pool. The only place they enjoy the pool is at a hotel like The Line, and it's on the rooftop, and it's not even meant to swim. It's three feet deep. Yeah. It's meant to overdose. It's for hot people to like. It's to Richard II die in after too many mimosas. Yeah. It's for hot people to get a little wet and chat with each other. That's what they're for. Yes. I'm here to swim. I want a big-ass body of water. So straight up, I want to race. I ask people to race in the pool all the time. Yes. You're racing? Oh, I want to race.

55:02I want to race from this side to that side. I'm here to swim. You're doing handstands? I'm doing handstands. I want to do belly flops and shit. I'm here to play around. My cousin has a pool, and she's got these little kids, five-year-old, and one was on my back. Little kids talk to me the same way that, you know when you go viral outside of your fan base, the way people comment on your shit? Yeah. That's how kids talk to me. He's on my back. I'm swimming through this pool. Yeah. He whispers in my ear, you even have the neck of a woman.

55:36Well. Are we in jail? That's a beautiful compliment. That's a beautiful compliment. That's like a true quote from Deliverance. Women have beautiful necks. And no one hears. he knows to whisper that and none of the adults hear that he's aware he knows he shouldn't be saying that out loud but anyway yeah any opportunity for a pool I'm in it I love to swim hot tubs? I used to base social circles around who had the hot tub in high school yeah of course I want to get one you ever got hot tub folliculitis? come again? so if they don't clean it out you can get a bacterial infection called hot tub folliculitis and I actually have a Spotify playlist that's really good called hot tub folliculitis because me and all my friends, we were like, hey, is anyone else's nipples sore?

56:23And it was hot tub folliculitis? We all got this thing called hot tub folliculitis in 2019 from this decrepit, because the amount of care that a hot tub almost bankrupted my friend's family in high school because they used to get this guy called the Aquaman to come over, like nightly, to fix this thing. Otherwise, you get a step above black mold. You get like generational mold. from hot tubs if you don't take care of them. Yeah. So be careful if you get one. Get the cedar kind. It's why I haven't gotten one so far is I know how much work they are. And I neglect my things. It's like owning a horse.

56:54Yeah, okay. How do you mean? Just to care. You know, oh, the horse is going to colic if I don't throw it a carrot. If I don't do brain teasers with the horse. Our horse is known to be high maintenance. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that. They live well into their 70s, I think. Do they really? Can we Google that? Life expectancy horse. Life expectancy horse. I would say maybe 48. It's okay. 25 to 30. So we Googled it. It's 25 to 30. Rent a car. Yeah. Oh, ponies might live into their 30s or 40s, though. So wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Don't go. Don't go anywhere, Nicole. Would you bring it back? A 40-year-old horse.

57:35Living conditions can push lifespans with records exceeding 50 years. Okay, so the record is like the 50s. I feel like I'm a 40-year-old horse. Do you? How old are you? 38. No one knows for sure. 38. It's not recorded anywhere. The doctors believe 38. Yeah, we think. Yeah. Based on the rings. You're 30. I turn 31 next week. I forgot. We're Aquarii. We are. When's your birthday? 29. Oh my god! Happy birthday almost. And you're having your birthday party in the Arctic Tundra. I can't, but I... Where do you have to be? I got the doll. The stickies. You have the sticky awards. The stickies are in Buffalo.

58:12I have to go. I have to grace the green carpet When you turn 30 Tell me about it, what happened? 30? Best year of my life I exhaled for the first time Chris, I'm dead serious I felt a relief Do you know when someone needs to be stabbed a little bit To let some blood out? That you have to let blood? Do you know? When you have an infection Like a really big infected leg in a war movie And they have to stab it Did you grow up in the 1910s? the Ferdinands my family friends I think I know what you mean I felt like that I felt like I let loose I was like when I turned 30 I was like oh because there was so much pressure in my 20s I felt to be like I am young and I'm living my best life and I'm 20 something and I turned 30 and I was like well I'm still young but I feel like ah my 20s are over I accomplished them it's the first time I ever stayed still you wouldn't believe I don't believe that you stayed still I in terms of not if you think I move around a lot now.

59:13Me in my 20s, truly like a true cryptid. The amount of the ground I was covering, never stopping. I was famous at parties for the second I would make someone laugh. I'm out of here. That's great though. I'd be every, I would never be in the same place. And then 30. You've relaxed a little bit. I love that and I feel the same way. Yeah. I'm turning 31 next week. What about, do you remember anything about your 31st year of life? And be honest, for once. No, I don't. I don't. No? No. I mean, I don't. It doesn't matter anymore. No, no, no. It stops mattering. It doesn't matter. Prince didn't count his birthdays.

59:54Rest in power. One more time. Prince didn't count his birthdays. Rest in power. Well, I still didn't get it. I'm so sorry. Prince. Prince. Didn't count his birthdays. I thought you were saying Prince didn't count his birthdays. And I thought we were talking about the institution, Prince. Don't get me started on Prince didn't count his birthdays. He didn't? No. He was a weird guy. Prince, I'm not mad that he didn't count his birthdays, but he was always up to something. The fucking symbol. He was an imp. When I learned about the symbol, it pissed me off. Oh. Just be Prince. My mom, I think, punched through glass when that wound up in our house.

1:00:30But he was Christian. He was Jehovah's Witness. And he was straight. Oh, yeah. You just could never see anything coming with that guy. You know, he opened for the stones, and he got pelted with Michelob Ultra bottles. Really? So much so that he flew back to Paisley Park, which looks like a Macy's if you ever go to it. Yeah. And he flew back that night. He was like, never again. Wow. He was in like bikini bottoms. Yeah, they didn't like the way that he presented clothing-wise. And Keith Richards says he was behaving like a king even though he was just a prince. That's why he got pelted with the bottles, you think?

1:01:01According to Keith Richards. Yeah, I don't think that's probably why. I think it's because he looked gay at the Rolling Stones show. I think it was the gender bending. Yeah. Don't gender bend. Yeah. Don't bend gender. if you want to open for the Rolling Stones. It's probably the headline. Don't open for anybody. I'm going to be in gender, I think, in my 40s. Oh, yeah? Yeah, right now I'm still locked in on boy. I think I'll do they. I think I'll do like a gender freak thing situation in the 40s. Long one? I'll freak it a little bit. Yeah, like maybe a rat tail with some beads in it. That'll be the beginning.

1:01:30That, of course, won't be the extent of it. I'm not. That wouldn't be the extent of my gender freaking. 40s are, for me, I'm going to do the crop tops. You're going to crop top in the 40s? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. You're turning 39 next week, a week or so from now? Yeah. We're almost to crop tops. 39. Oof. How do you feel? I don't think about it. You don't think about it? No. I feel good. I feel good. I was freaking out like a couple years ago, but now I'm feeling like. You were freaking out a couple years ago about your age? Yeah, and not accomplishing as much as I was hoping to. And then I feel like, you know what?

1:02:00I actually feel like expressed and like at peace with. Where I'm at age-wise. What did you want to have accomplished that you didn't at that time? Oh, probably global superstardom. Don't piss me off. Yeah. Is that really it? Yeah. You wanted to play stadiums or something? Oh, I'm totally Machiavellian for a while. Are you being completely serious with me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That doesn't feel like you at all. I'm accidentally niche. I mean, I was...

1:02:27I didn't want this. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't want to have to be here. No. You didn't want to be on the So True podcast. You wanted to be like... You wanted to be the guy. I wanted to be here, but yeah, I wanted Regis Philbin. I looked up to a lot in middle school. I used to wear his ties. Really? I don't find that part surprising at all. Now what it is, I get recognized in a lot of Buffalo exchanges. Yeah, that makes sense. And Whole Foods, a lot of husbands glaring at me because their wife follows me. Yeah. I've never clicked on a wife and it's not said follow back. Yeah. I cannot tell you the number of, it's 50-50 whether a straight guy is going to come up me and be like my biggest fan in the entire world or my wife or girlfriend and he won't admit to also liking my stuff it's really insulting when they tell you someone else likes you yeah yeah like but what about you you know yeah what do you think of me they don't they can i get a picture for my girlfriend i'm like i guess what's that gonna do i guess yeah you must be like getting getting it everywhere uh airports yeah it's it's been it's been a lot more in the last couple years I mean, yeah, that makes sense, I guess.

1:03:34I guess so. I try not to think. I like, you know in Men in Black when they do the thing and it wipes your memory? Well, they did it to me, so I don't remember. But yeah. I try to do that after every like, can I get a picture interaction? To yourself. Yeah, I try to just pretend it didn't happen. Because you don't want to build that. I don't want to become like a monster. And I fear that I would if I really held on to that. For me, it just cures my posture a little bit more every time. You get a little bit more upright. Yeah, I get, yeah, yeah. I uncurl a little bit. Yeah. Every time I get a little bit of that.

1:04:03How are your joints and bones? I'm very loose jointed. Yeah. So they're pretty good. Have my dogs been out the whole time? Yeah, I'm just going to turn you a little more to your camera just because it's a halfway visual medium. You and I have been slowly turning towards the fireplace the entire episode. Have I just been like a villain the whole time? Back to just seeing the back of my head? Yeah, it's been like your voice is going to be like this in the episode. Like you're informing on somebody. Yeah. Do you think you would ever fall prey to a cult? uh no i uh i would want to run it i believe that i will start one same i believe that i will start one yes on a farm in portugal i believe and i'm looking up properties i believe i will start a cold on a and i don't want to is the thing yeah i just don't think i have a choice what would it be like i think things will get weird enough it wouldn't be sexual i can tell that not at all and it wouldn't be either it would be sexual only in the way that everyone gets to sleep with whoever they want and you don't have to yeah i wouldn't do any of the stuff where you have to sleep with someone or you can't sleep it's normal life normal world rules on sex i could see you branding but calling it a tattoo 100 yeah yeah i think things will get weird enough in the states that all buy some property in portugal yep that seems imminent you love property i'm like not i don't think i'm as low on the list of state enemies as i would like to be at the moment i think i'm probably on there somewhere and i think it's only going to get weirder the more they start to eliminate people ahead of me.

1:05:29Yes. And then I'll buy some property in Portugal. I'll invite a bunch of people to hang out because I'll be bored. And then they'll be like, well, why don't you guys just live here? And they'll be like, we can't afford it. And I'll be like, I'll pay the bills. Communal living. Yeah. You guys just work on the vegetables and I'll pay for the house. Anytime. Women can do that. Women can do communal living. Anytime a man gets involved, that's when the cult starts. You think so? Always. Women understand community. We don't. We understand power. And the women can do that. Am I crazy to think that I understand community?

1:05:59No, you understand. That's how the cult starts. That's how the cult starts. That's it. Yeah, we can't understand community. But it's about power, really. We're too ego-driven. That's so scary. You might be right. I like to think I understand community, but I guess maybe underneath it is about power. Maybe I really would. But this is what I'm saying. It would turn into a cult. I know that it would. Everyone moves to Portugal. They can't go home because things have gotten weird. Who would be your Maadon Sheila? Holmes. Yeah. Holmes. Yeah, because that is the hardest position in the cult. because you just kind of can do that.

1:06:31Yeah. Yeah. Holmes has to do the executive functioning stuff. Executions and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, executions. Well, eventually there'll be executions. I can't stress enough. I don't want there to be. I don't want it to be a cult. I'm just saying, yeah, eventually I'm going to be like, that person's really getting on my nerves. And then Holmes is going to be like, I'll handle it. And then they're going to wind up dead. I don't want it to, but that's of course where things are headed. That's a much more optimistic vision for your future. year i have two visions for my future when i'm eventually canceled for dead naming myself i i think that when i'm eventually canceled for dead naming myself i think that i will end up for me what i see is uh a couple things um giving bath bomb reviews from a low security jail yeah i see that or finding myself in a misery situation which one uh the uh debates or the guy the guy oh yeah i feel bad that i don't remember his james con james con you have it have you looked in the eyes of a supporter of yours and been like they would misery me i i actually and i'm not kidding i just told a close friend the other day i'm almost certain i'll get killed by a fan same i've talked about this i'm not kidding i've met i've met one in particular where i was like well that's how i'm gonna go and there's a piece in that it's like it's like when you meet a friendly when people truly have ghost interactions yeah they're not they're like yeah yeah yeah oh yeah there's a tap dancing woman upstairs.

1:07:55That's how you feel when you meet the person who will kill you. Yeah. You know. I want to be the fan that kills you. I want to do it. A mercy killing? Yeah. Just when the time is right. I don't want to do it too soon. My parents considered mercy killing me. Really? No. Sorry. Because what if? Sorry. As a child, I saw this. When you got your knee surgery, they're like, we got to just end it now. It's only going to get weirder. You got to. I do. I do not want to kill you, but if someone has to. Do you know what I mean? Totally. Cuckoo's Nest. Yeah. You would, you know, in the end of Cuckoo's Nest.

1:08:28Oh, you don't want to give spoilers. Yeah, don't spoil. If I get lobotomized or like if I start doing too much SponCon. Yeah. Cuckoo's Nest me. Depends on how much you make and I need to see the figures. Well, remember I was going to do that thing I told you about, but that fell through last year. I don't remember it now. I'm so sorry. I was going to be a Peter Pan for a certain type of company. You were going to be a Peter Pan. They were going to get me a horse. I was going to get to ride in Dallas. You did not tell me this. You did not tell me this. Yeah, it was going to be a life-changing sum of money.

1:08:55Unfortunately, it fell through. I was going to sell out so big. I just had a brand deal fall through. You what? I just had a brand deal fall through. What brand? I don't think I'm allowed to talk about it. Panera? I think they're paying me a certain amount of money, and the part of the deal will be that I don't talk about it. Oh, shit. Is that what I got the kill fee for?

1:09:14I'm playing it safe because I want that check. but yeah they asked me there was a company that asked me to do a commercial for them for a large amount of money and i was like sure and then uh they were like oof we just found out that caleb talks about politics oh change of plans we're not gonna pay him and he's not working and then i was like i think we'll sue you like everyone was like should we sue them and i was like i think we sue them you're suing no we threatened to sue and then they've now they're paying me you're litigious but the it was really funny because i was like how did you not that's like the number one it's the most i imagine when you google me it must be something that comes up in the first two clicks how political you are that i'm talking about politics completely i can't imagine that it's not coming up for you so are they just seeing your followership or maybe they seen one clip i don't know what they saw but i do know that i'm now getting paid to not do anything for them and i'm pretty pleased about it isn't that weird that we have no idea what people are seeing like because when like your stuff gets put on tiktok that's not even through you like Like, people are seeing shit that we don't even know about things that we've done or said.

1:10:16Yeah. It's so weird. People quote things I've said to me that I do not remember. All the time. I black out. When I'm on So True, I black out. For me, the really embarrassing thing is people will say that and I'm like, ah! You laugh? And they're like, you said that. They're like, that's your joke, Chris. And I was like, that's funny shit. You are good. That makes sense. It's hard to remember the things that you say. Nobody likes my jokes more than me. Same. I love my jokes. I think that's the best part of it I think my little bits are really fun They are really fun I really enjoy them And by the way I'm not even really talking about my jokes I'm talking about when I'm hanging out with friends And I have some stupid little Verbal tick that I keep doing I will laugh so fucking hard At my own little That's the key to happiness I love hanging out with me I have a blast with that guy You're like the couple from The Notebook How do you mean?

1:11:08You're that in one it's like a romantic thing in love with myself that's the image that I had James Garner and Rachel McAllen's older do you James Garner I don't I'm pretty sure it was Ryan Gosling oh we're talking when they're old is that the old guy's name James Garner can we google old guy notebook name he was also in Maverick with Jody with Foster Noah Calhoun by James Garner. Thank God. Will you click James Garner? I'd like to see a little about him. Oh, he's great. Oh, wow. He's been acting for a long time. Look at that. He's 86 years old. Are we still with us? No, he's not. Oh, no. No, he passed.

1:11:56He's very much not. Yeah. Passed quite a while. Oh, he passed when he was 86. Oh, that's terrible. But he was, you ever see Maverick? You would love Maverick. Oh, he was married for a long time. 1956 to 2014, he was married. He died married. Oh, boy. Click his wife. You know what? Lois Clark, as in Lois and Clark? I'd watch. Yeah, they're cute together. I like them. Oh, click that one right below that one, Nicole. Put this one up. Put this picture up when we put the episode out. Put this picture up when we put the episode out. Okay, now, come on. That's us. That's us. Yeah, that's me on the left.

1:12:32I was going to say, it's pretty clear who's who. Yeah, I don't need to say. You know what? What? I don't know if this will happen or not. I don't think it will based on my entire vibe and how I am. Okay. But I did consider becoming a shirt and tie guy. Like a guy who wears shirts and ties a lot. This occurred to me about a week and a half ago. If you did that around New York, the Safdies would put you in something like that. Well, they're putting like people from Shark Tank in movies. Like I don't think that's prestigious anymore. They're going in the sewers for their casting. They're grabbing guys from the bodega.

1:13:01I want to be a shirt and tie guy though. I'm considering it. That's a really good idea. Like just on a Tuesday, just out for dinner. I feel like you got to... Here's what it is. Say it. Your style, and this is the thing about style, if you like something, it's like the joy that you feel about an article of clothing. You have good style because you like the things that you wear, I presume. And if you want to do shirt and tie, you want to do poodle skirt. It doesn't matter what you're doing. You want to do hazmat suit. It doesn't matter. If you like it, that's going to be style. I mean, you would wear suits on the road, remember?

1:13:32I did the last tour. I felt like I had to. yeah playing theaters i just felt so like i felt such a massive responsibility it's i was like i can't believe you guys are paying for this and driving there to like i was like you're coming like i was like i need to like yeah i need to do good i must wear a tie you can't show up in your pjs like you're gonna take the sat's i might next time yeah the tie thing got afforded that the tie and the jacket thing got old quick i would say night four of the like 27 night tour i said this was a mistake i got a picture you're looking like willie lowman backstage i don't know who that is.

1:14:02Death of a salesman. He's a character? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen it. It's a play. I read plays just because it's faster than books. You read plays? Yeah. Chris, you're so... No, no, no, no. It's a cheat. I'm not smart. Caleb, you are just... I need to be like you. No, you got the brain that I don't have any access to. You got the civics brain. I do have politics brain. You're right. But I want to have reading a play brain. What are you talking about? You're doing that just for fun? I just love plays. What's your favorite one you've ever read? Oh, Burn This. Would you ever do a play with me?

1:14:39Yeah. Oh, we could do Burn This. What's Burn This? Oh, I could play the coked out guy that John Malkovich played. And then, oh my God, and you would be the friend. This is brilliant. I don't think I want to be the friend. You're like, I'll play the interesting guy who's coked out. The friend is the lead. you would be the lead and I come in occasionally. I don't enter until I think even act two. Yeah. And then I burn bright fast and then I'm out. But you would be carrying it. I just told Mateo Wayne that I would do a musical with him and then when it kind of circled back around I said I didn't mean it.

1:15:16No. Because the way the light's going to hit those biceps. Yeah. You can't. I'm not going to. It's like having an animal on stage. You can't compete with that. Yeah. That's right. But that's the same with you. I'm not going to be able to compete with your energy. Yes you are. Your energy and your gorgeous locks. I'm going to be bald by then and they're going to be tired of my energy. That's where you come in. No, I felt like I think we had a good thing on stage together. Me and you? Yeah. Oh, I feel that we do. Yeah, we definitely do. Then we just need a woman. Oh, let's not do it. I don't want to.

1:15:47What woman would we hang out with? I can't think of one. Do you know any? Nicole? Nicole, will you do it? I do it. Perfect. It's done. The other lead. Friend of the friend. I forget her name. Wait, what woman would we cast in it? Let's make it a woman we don't know. Okay. Give me two qualities of the woman. Alicia Vikander. Yeah, it's done. Yeah, it's done. I want that house so bad. House? And the Ex Machina house? I haven't seen it. Oh, yeah. Ex Machina. Alicia Vikander is a robot that lives in the most exquisite house you've ever seen. She's a robot with a house? Mm-hmm. Or she belongs to the house?

1:16:24She was built in the house. She's an AI. She's an AI. Yeah, this was 2016 AI. Yeah. So she's hot as hell. Ex Machina? She's a hot AI who has a house? And the guy Domhnall Gleeson is this classic San Francisco guy who could get catfished by a Waymo, and he falls in love with this... You put fake lashes on the headlights of a Waymo. Yeah. It could catfish any guy in San Francisco. Yeah. He falls in love with this AI, and Oscar Isaac built it, and he's a psycho. You know, I just learned that a famous Hollywood actor has an AI girlfriend. Me too. And we can talk about that after.

1:17:08Right. So what's going on with that? We'll give a clue. Everyone's talking about it. Mr. Tumnus.

1:17:17But what is going on with that? He's bringing it to like... He's telling people about it. And he's bringing it to the restaurant.

1:17:26people are so humiliating yeah but this is good for the culture actually yes we need celebrities to be more insane because it will be so destructive it's gonna the best way to stop something is to sexually turn people off to it yes and this the way that makes me want to sterile get sterilized yeah i but i do i want celebrities to start being insane again i'm tired of i'm bored with them i've said this many times i'm bored with these people they're boring. We need people to be insane again. I want public beef. Yeah, we need someone taking a nine iron to a windshield. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to say it.

1:17:59Jordan Firstman sounding off on the heated rivalry guys over sort of nothing. Absolutely. I loved it. Oh, absolutely. I thought it was awesome. But then didn't he have to bring them like an ice cream sundae? Yeah, they had to like smoke cigarettes at an event together or something. Yeah, because Zasloff was like say you're sorry. Yeah, well they had to because they're all gay guys who work for the company. Have you seen it? I haven't seen a heated rivalry, no. Have you? Oh, yeah. How was it? Unbelievable. Did you find yourself horny? No, I found myself weeping by episode five. So that's not what I've been hearing.

1:18:29Well, I do think it's... I could be wrong. I do think it's more for the feminine sexuality because I think what I've learned from it is the way women talk about it. It's like, I think a woman's biggest kink is time. Yeah. And it's all about like... I don't know that I understand this show. It's all about... Time is the biggest character in this. They play hockey in it. Yeah, but it's mostly about three weeks later, eight weeks later, you wouldn't believe how many time jumps it is and how long it takes for them to... It's a slow burn. Yeah, yeah. Women like a slow burn, I think, from what I've learned about women, and I spend time with several...

1:19:14Long game. They like the long game. Long game, yeah. Yeah, okay. But you should watch it. It is... I've heard it's great. You're going to do the accent nonstop. The Russian one? Yeah. Okay. Hollander. Yeah. Hollander, you do retail fold after we hook up? Yeah. I worked at Aeropostale. Wait, he talks like that? The other one? The other one is like, he's really... Oh, he's like whining? Fine. Oh, so he's the bottom. Hollander, I need you to relax. Is he the bottom? Their verse. Yeah, I think... He's the bottom. Yeah. Right? I mean, I haven't seen it. Thank you, Tony. You're not going to love this.

1:19:47What? The Russian's a clown in reality. The one who plays. Oh, the real guy, the actor. So it did clown in LA. Of course. Everyone has a moment. I mean, of course, I got to a dark enough place. I never took the class, but I clicked around. I clicked in. I saw the details of the clown class. It's like the artist's way. You have to get to a dark enough moment. You have to get to the lowest cavern of your life. You'll find yourself doing morning pages with a gun on the desk. this is what these things are I did the morning pages of course I did them and it did almost nothing for me but I loved it because it was something that other people had done and I thought that was nice completely I was participating you know there's a lot of things that would be cool if this were the 70s and you think the morning pages is one of them clown I'm thinking Jonah Hill's weight loss he got small for that role some role He got small again.

1:20:46Yeah. We're not supposed to talk about it. But I just was surprised I saw a photograph. Yeah. I was surprised by the camo he was in. He was in a lot of camo. He's wearing camo. I haven't seen this. Yeah. Maybe I didn't see because he was just so small. I couldn't believe my eyes. They don't want you to talk. We're not supposed to talk about it. I know that that's not. We're not? Weight loss, we're not supposed to anymore. Okay. I've learned, you know, you're not supposed to talk about it. But I have saw that he got quite small. I'm noticing, you know, when people get smaller, I notice. Yeah. And I wonder, are they on the stuff?

1:21:13the drugs? I like when they get smaller. Shorter? Yeah. I like aging. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I think I'm going. You think so? What are you, 6 '2"? Yeah. Yeah. You think I'll get smaller? We are. We're getting smaller. Nose is going to keep growing. Ears keep growing, I think. Is that true? Yeah, yeah. Nose keeps growing. You have been in Europe. Is that true that nose keeps growing? The nose. Is that true? The nose keeps growing. Yeah, supposedly. This is Chance's biggest complaint about me. Every time I come back from Europe, I have a new verbal tick. I have a new thing I say. Are you dropping cheers?

1:21:48Oh, cheers. Yeah, I'll do anything it takes. I mean, I just learn things over there. Did you go to England? No. No, I can't go to England anymore. Neither can I. I've been too many times. They're so cold 9 to 5, and then they have their first bottle of wine. And in the streets, they're not talking to me all day. And then the second I go outside when it's dark out, a woman comes up to me. She says, let's have a look at you, love. tears my jacket open. And her husband's just like... Yeah, he's mad. I did go to Dublin. Everybody Irish hates... They're so embarrassed and sorry to be Irish. Really?

1:22:26Have you noticed this? I know one guy who has a lot to say about the homeland. They say, what are you doing in Dublin? Oh, I'm so sorry you have to be here. I'm like, I'm having a decent time. They can't believe that you've come. They made a mistake. They're an interesting people, the Irish. You were just there? I went there before Amsterdam. Ooh. I was there. I had a nice time. Yeah. Went to a castle for New Year's. Had a lovely time. Wait, you were gone that whole time? Yes. You just got back. I got back yesterday, Chris. There's nobody in the world that I would have done a podcast with today other than you.

1:22:59I feel like you also did like a crazy flight last time we talked. And you said it felt like there was a gas leak in the room because you were so tired from the plane. Yeah. What was that though? Was that just coming to LA? Yeah. I think I found out later on after that episode that I had a COVID and something else.

1:23:17I think after that, I was like, oh, I feel so crazy. And then I think I found out like a week later that I had like three illnesses. You kept like, you kept kind of like collapsing into your chair. Yeah. And being like, I don't know what's going on. Yeah. But something's wrong with me. I was very unwell. Yeah. I thought it. Okay. Okay. I thought it was like a combination of me and jet lag. No, I thought there was a gas leak in the room. and then I think I found out that it was a jet lag and I had a couple of illnesses. Me and a handbag of illnesses. Totally. And jet lag. And by the way, getting jet lag going from New York to LA is humiliating.

1:23:51It's like you shouldn't really be that affected by the flight. It's like you slept on the plane overnight. It was red eye. You're fine. Oh, you took a red eye? Or something. You know what I mean? It's like you take them at the right times. Planes fuck me up. Yeah, do they? Oh, so bad. I didn't enjoy my flight here. The flight back was tough. We spent too long on the runway, so my edible wore off. And then I couldn't sleep on the actual flight, so I was just up, and the Wi-Fi was spotty, so I couldn't really get anything done. Yeah. And I had a gay guy flight attendant, and he wasn't charmed by me.

1:24:21You tried to charm him? Always. I love to have the flight attendants be on my side. Usually, if I have an older woman, we'll get on, like, a house on fire. They hate me. Flight attendants. The last one I had, she yelled at me, you had one job to do. What? I was supposed to stay seated to lead an example for no one else to get up what I was at the front of the plane and I got up to do I was tinkering and she yelled at me you had one job when was it expressed to you that this was your job immediately she told you your job is to not stay done I've never been on a flight or something like this has happened it was eerily empty to the flight there was like 30 of us I've never been given a chore when I got on the plane You have a special relationship with strangers because that has never happened to me.

1:25:07I have a horrible relationship with flight attendants. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I usually don't. There's a couple bad eggs. I've talked about it on the show. There's a couple bad eggs. Me and some flight attendants have gotten into it. Mostly we have a lovely time. But gay guy flight attendants, they're either like so gay guy and they know my work and love me. Yes. And they're like, diva, to have you on my flight is a delight. Or they're like a TGI Fridays gay guy. I'm a TGI Fridays gay guy, Chris. No, but when I say that, I'm thinking of a TGI Friday's gay guy. You don't have to walk it back.

1:25:40I'm a TGI Friday's gay guy. If there was a Jack Damler sampler here right now, I would be overjoyed. I have DoorDashed a Chili's triple dipper to my home more than once. Yeah. I love, I love. I am financially ruined by DoorDash. What are you doing on there? DoorDash? What's your go-to? Boba. I guess I do know that. Outside of boba, what else are you doing? Is it literally just boba? Bolognese? It's a meat sauce. From where? Pasta with a meat sauce. Anywhere. If I see bolognese, I'm powerless before bolognese. Really? Oh, yeah. And I try to not eat meat, but if I see bolognese, I gained, I think, 11 pounds when I visited Italy when I was younger on bolognese.

1:26:26You rendered healthy. And four cheese pizza. Quattro famaggi. Pizzas. What did you say? You speak another language? A little. So, un petit peu. We'll go with no. I don't. I don't. We'll go with no. I got my ass kicked in Spain. They were not enjoying my attempts at Spanish at all. You speak it? No. A little, a tiny survival bit, and they were not happy with me. Yeah. Because I'm loud and fat and American. Hey. It makes them mad. No, you're beautiful. When I try stuff. And American. No, you're beautiful and American. Yes. And bad at Spanish. Yeah. Which is true. You were just kind of on a three-week, two-week journey?

1:27:05Three. Popping around, Chris. You're living life. Looking for inspiration. Seriously? Found some. Yeah. Found some inspiration. Yeah. Mostly just had a nice time. Yeah. Had some decent sex. Had some fun sex. Are you going to keep talking to them or what stays in Europe? I think one of them is coming to my birthday party. Okay. Three were invited. A costume party. There were three guys that I hooked up with in Europe that got the invite to the birthday party. One came. That was the next step. I think one of them might come. That sounds almost like a fairy tale. He's welcome to come. I'd love to see him there.

1:27:36Three were given the invite and one took it. I think a few of my situationships will be at my birthday party. Great. And I'm excited to see all of them. I think the one who comes from Europe. That's the prince. I will say if he comes from Europe, he'll be the one that I lock in with. Yeah. For the night. Wow. Maybe. I mean, if you catch a flight that long. Not even the week. No. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not a week This is my problem Chris I really need to get serious about my love life How do you say get out I'll say you need to go

1:28:13No I'll say this was so much fun I need to be alone now You would never No I'm so bad at No I couldn't Chris I got so locked in talking to you That I totally forgot we have a game to play Oh yeah I don't know what this is. Truth or false? Yes, dude. True or false? Let's lock in. Okay, how have you... It's 1 a.m. How have you done on this in the past? Uh, 0%. Okay. I think I got booted off the stage when we did this live. Well, live, everyone was so naughty. They always tried to give the guests the answers. They wanted to see me lose money. Your crowd was incredibly naughty. My fans are rowdy and raucous.

1:28:52A crazy bunch. Yeah. I'm going on tour again. You'll have to come do the show. No way. Yes. Oh, my God. Potentially in the summer. We're waiting to find out. Potentially in the summer. I've been cautioned against... Actually, can I say something real quick about my tour? I'm being told that I should not tour in the summer. If I launch a summer tour, you guys better buy these fucking tickets because I'm fighting to go on tour in the summer. You want to know why I want to tour in the summer? It's warm. Every day I want to swim. I want to wake up, get off the bus, go swimming, and then do the show.

1:29:24I think that'll make it more fun for me. That's a really good idea. I think it'd be nice to swim every day. It's also a low-impact workout. Exactly correct. Yeah. And it'd be fun. Swim in 30 cities? I want to swim in 30 cities. Yeah. Chris, I'm going to read you 15 statements. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can. Roll some more shit down the hallway. Yeah. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can. Someone's rolling the loudest thing I've ever heard down the hallway. Yeah. There's something wrong with this building. I recently learned that one of the guys who produces Taylor Swift's albums has a studio in this building.

1:29:54Oh, my God. Is it one of those, like, dorky guitar? Sorry, sorry. Chris, please. Chris, please. He's my neighbor. Have you ever seen there's like these guys in their 50s who play guitar for Taylor Swift and they all kind of act like they're the ones that people are coming to see? Oh, I like that. Oh, it's so good. I like that. I am obsessed with those guys. I like that a lot. Yeah. I'm going to read you 15 statements. She like high fives one and he like crumbles. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You know I have to do it. I know. It's part of the show. Okay. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You can tell me as quickly as you can of what I just said was true or false.

1:30:26If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Wow, okay. Tommy Lee Jones is a Harvard graduate. Yes, he was roommates with Al Gore. Okay, true.

1:30:40The movie The Iron Giant came out in 1999. True. True. There are no reptiles in Sweden. Yeah, I mean, that's a Bob Dylan song, and it's also true. False. Fuck! The Departed won the Best Picture Oscar. Yes. True. Neil Armstrong drank Pepsi on the surface of the moon. No. False. Lance Armstrong's nickname is Big Tex. False. True, it's true. It's false. Which one are you going with? False. It's true. Only four U.S. presidents have visited Antarctica. Dude, I don't know. You got to answer, Chris. I don't know. It's the game. True. False. None have gone. Squirrels mate for life. No presidents have gone?

1:31:22They haven't gone. Even on their own time? They won't go. I'd make a Camp David in Antarctica sorry I got Boba in the mouth I'll make a Camp David in Antarctica you're like totally choking on Boba at this point in the show squirrel's mate for life

1:31:40yeah that's true false a female picks a new mate each year a female squirrel go diva Burger King is older than Wendy's true True. Earth is gradually rotating slower each year. I hope not. False. It's true. Skidmore College's motto is under the shield of divine love. That's false. It's creative thought matters. It's true. What? Since when? Wait, what is the new motto? Under the shield of divine love. Oh my god. Under the shield of divine? That sounds like a meatloaf song. I don't write the facts. Oh my god. But if you think it's wrong, fight chance on it. Last comic standing ran for nine seasons.

1:32:21Yeah, sure. True. Tom Brady was born in California. Tom Brady was born in California? If that were so, he couldn't live in Massachusetts for that long. False. True. Aretha Franklin was the first woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Probably. Yes. No, it was Nina Simone. Okay, fine. True, it was Aretha Franklin. Yep. Anteaters. Last one. Anteaters are extinct. No, I've seen them around. I've definitely seen a video of an anteater. maybe like okay maybe the last one died like last night and all of its loved ones are around the bed and it's now finally it's loved ones not anteaters it's loved ones other species yeah just guys yeah yeah it's a bunch of guys what are you going with you're going with um they're not there's no way anteaters are and if they are i'm gonna be super fucking pissed so you're going with false yes It's false.

1:33:19How do you do, Nicole? Oh, nice. Is that good? That's nice. That's nice, Chris. Chris, that's a nice score. Don't worry about it. Now I'm worried about it. I wasn't worried about it until you said that. Six is kind of low. Yeah, it's a 60%, right? Six is kind of low. It's like a D minor. Six out of 15. I would be in directed study if I took this in a high school class. In directed study? Yeah, if you got below a C, you would have to do a course called directed study. but and I obviously got D's in chemistry so I would be put into directed study but my band teacher struck a deal with me and he said if you drum in our I'm not a drummer if you drum in our worst jazz band you can get out of directed study and I said okay only if I can have an unlimited time drum solo at the concert and I'll send you the clip it is funny.

1:34:09Please send it to me and also I love this school that you went to where like all these teachers are insistent on not teaching and are just like striking deals for different little pet projects of theirs. Yeah, that's beautiful. Chris, it was so lovely to have you on the show. So lovely to have you. Is there anything you want to tell the fans? Keep listening to Caleb. He knows best. And get Ugg's stuff. It's soft. We're not sponsored by Ugg's. We just like soft things. Ugg, you should spend some money on the show. Spend some money on the show. We've talked about you very kindly. Anything else? Where the people can find you?

1:34:44They know where to find you. They all love you. Everybody loves you, Chris. I agree to that not hearing exactly what you were saying. Everybody loves you, Kayla. Thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me. Ciao, Bella. Good night. We did it. Daydreaming about Fiore's soft dream knit fabric? Meet the Halo Essential Wide Leg Pant, designed with Fiore's softest premium stretch dream knit fabric. Invest in your happiness with some of the most comfortable clothes on the planet. Get 20 % off your first purchase at viore.com slash halo20. That's V-U-O-R-I dot com slash H-A-L-O-2-0. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions.

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