Hayden Johnson Loves a Revolution

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28:27i love i fucking love family guy so much it uh it meant a lot to me when i was 13 yeah and you gave it up in adulthood yeah i mean i gave it up pretty quick i think like into like later in to high school i was like this is gonna make this is not gonna make me a better person but i liked american dad for a while yeah that seems to be the dichotomy my journey with all of that was that in high school like when everyone was watching things like family guy i was like you guys are fucking morons i'm not interested yeah and that's because they were all smoking weed and i wasn't like it was a whole thing yeah and then i avoided it avoided it and then basically in like my mid-20s i was like actually family guy fucking rocks and then i started smoking weed and then it really was like it was all over.

29:13I started smoking weed when I was like 27. Really? Yeah, just a couple years ago. Wow. Yeah. I would have thought sooner just because you seem good at it. That means the world to me. I mean, I don't know. There are people who do it in a cool way. I feel like I can't be around people and be high. And I think that that I do notice when other people can do that and not be crazy. Do you know what i am always shocked by the number of my friends that are getting like 40 milligram fucking blitzed before like a work event like literally going to work like that it's crazy i remember when i moved to la like you know it was such like comedian culture to like you know smoke cigarettes and whatever outside and i was like oh like i don't want to smoke a cigarette for you like i could like bring a joint and then i could like just go outside and smoke a joint that's I'd be like hanging out.

30:09Yeah. And then I would just get so fucking weird and annoying. I would get so annoying. And it's also like it is a little intense. Maybe it just felt like that at that time, but it is a little intense to walk up to people who are smoking a cigarette and start smoking a joint right next to them. Yeah. Like, oh, Jesus. Enjoy your light, Buzz. I'm about to go to a different fucking planet right next to you, bitch. Yeah. And I have to take like multiple hits to hang out. Yeah. You know? I'm smoking half a joint at the open mic, and then I'm going up. I'm bombing. That is so fucking funny. Yeah, I don't understand.

30:45It's one thing. I have friends who work at gas stations and jobs where I'm like, yeah, sure, get fucking blitzed for that. Friends who are public figures that their job is to speak and be normal, I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? That is crazy. I can imagine you do get to a point, though, where you're just so tired of it that you're just like, I don't fucking care anymore. Oh, I'm there. I just can't, I can't be stoned. I won't do well. Yeah. I'm definitely at the point where I'm like, I don't care. I, uh, I just, um, I was just hanging out with someone and I, I saw their, their, they're like an actor and they had like all their weed stuff and then a bunch of eye drops right next to it.

31:24So, and I think to me that alluded to, they're smoking in the morning, they're putting in the eye drops and they're going to set. I think, I mean, like, look, I would love to get to a place where I can be stoned for like all my daily activities. I really want to start experimenting with it. I just am not sharp when I'm stoned. I'm not, I mean, obviously, I'm like literally like dumb, like drooling. Yeah. Like begging for cheeseburgers. Like I'm literally like fiending. I'm being so insane and weird. It's like, no, I don't think I would do good at my job. Yeah, it's not helpful for that kind of thing.

31:55I don't even really know what it is helpful for. It's helpful for chilling the fuck out. In my life, I'm like, weed is really for when like, I don't smoke a ton, but weed is for when I like do not have another thing. Sometimes I'll smoke a little bit when I'm out. Like I smoked a little bit when I was out last night, like two hits and I was fine. But mostly weed is for when I'm like, I have arrived at home. I don't have anything to do for 15 to 26 hours. And I'm going to get as stoned as imaginable and just like zone out. Yeah, that's like 10 o 'clock. I'm going to watch a movie. That's going to be the rest of my night.

32:29I'm going to play, we got a Switch. I really love the Switch. You play video games at all? I play one video game. I play one video game only on Xbox, and it's unfortunately Madden. Whoa. I know. It's so humiliating. It's kind of like if it feels almost as if I was like, yeah, I play like one game, and it's like Quidditch. It's like it just feels like you going online and playing Madden could only result in a harmful language being thrown at you. Oh, I don't. So that's a great point. and I do play against strangers on there. But what I do is, this is kind of the fun for me. I mute them immediately so I can't hear a word they're saying.

33:11Then I turn off, on Xbox you can like replace the game sounds with Spotify. Whoa. You're listening to like Vibe R &B while you play football? Yes. And I'm listening to like folk. I'm listening to like Waxahatchee and Nathaniel Reitliff and Kevin Morby. I'm literally listening to like sad folk songs while I fucking dust these teenagers. I'm hanging like 75 points on some fucking 13-year-old in Wisconsin listening to the saddest country song you've ever heard in your life. They're on the other side going. You just can't hear it. You're blissed out. Meanwhile, the lilacs drink the water. I'm fucking.

33:50I'm blissed out. I'm stoned. I'm running it up. That's so beautiful. I love that, actually. That makes me like it more. My favorite thing to do is to start, and for any Madden heads out there, nobody who listens to this show has ever played Madden. I like to, very first play, run a Hail Mary because I have a specific route that I can hit every time. It really scares my opponents. I think the worst thing about Madden, and this is the last thing I'll say about Madden, on the game podcast, is it really makes you want Michael Vick. What do you mean? Cut that, cut that, cut that. Well, no, no, no, because maybe Madden's not like this anymore, but when I was playing it, it was like Michael Vick is a 100 player.

34:42He's the fastest guy ever. He can throw all the way across the field. He's perfect. He can do everything. And it was crazy to me that they kind of kept that, even despite the dog stuff. Yeah. And I do think that was fucked up. Skill is skill. You can't lie on the game. He's still that good, even with the dog stuff. I guess the dog stuff doesn't affect how good of a player he is, but it feels like there should have been some alluding to that. He loses some charisma points or something. Yeah, like, yeah. Like, maybe they'll make the character, like, handsome or something. Like, I don't know. That's really funny.

35:17Because he did, like, a social ill, we have to, like, make him a little ugly in the game at least. Well, we have to do something because it's like... He went to prison.

35:28We did do something. He went to prison. Yeah, but I don't want to say that's the thing that should happen either. Of course, I understand that. God, my politics are so confusing. Conservatives would have a field day with this moment. Well, he should be punished, but I know that I can't say prison, so. God, so we have to make his character in Madden really ugly? That is so fucking funny. I would love to see you in charge of the law for a little bit. It would mean the world to me. I think I have good politics. I'm just too dumb to figure out how to do stuff. I don't think you're dumb at all. I think you have great politics.

36:05I would love to see you in charge for a couple weeks. I think I could make some real good changes. I mean, I would just get rid of it. I would just destroy everything. I think really what I see is I want to send us back to pre-industrial revolution. How do you mean? Like, people will die a little bit earlier in life. Totally. But we'll farm together and stuff. Yeah. And, like, we'll kind of have everything that we need within, like, our little communities. That's beautiful. Local. Yeah, yeah. Everything localized. And we'll live in kind of, like, you know, we already have what we have. And so, you know, we can kind of, like, make little, like, artist houses out of, like, the skyscrapers and stuff.

36:46Yeah. Do you have any plan for all of the murder and assault that was going on in those societies? Yeah. so I think that like if we just kind of like talk to each other a little bit more and just say hey guys even if you want your neighbor's land you can't kill them you can't kill them yeah I mean I think that we do have to I think ultimately like there should be a lot of really cool places and then there should be like one bad town yeah and then we and then like everybody that like wants to do murders and stuff it's like we send them all to the bad town yeah and it's not prison like they can run that town how they want but they're all doing their shit over there and then maybe they figure out how to work together and how to be in community Crime Town sounds beautiful Crime Town I think is a really good idea Crime Island, we're sending you to Crime Island Crime Island does start to get a little bit prison-y I mean, Crime Island is Australia Oh, now that it's an island I think when you but there's something there somebody who's, again, smarter than me will be able to take Crime Town and figure out how to make it into something Somebody I will have a crime town advisor Yeah I well that's I really think I could be a great I was like watching Zoran I was like I feel like I could do the like The TikToks and then like Oh yeah you could walk down the street and shake hands Yeah and then like I could figure out I think I'd be a really good judge of like who could Who could come in and like The Zoran thing is so funny I love him obviously I'm like thrilled that he won I don't vote here but I would have Very happily voted for him I would also if I lived in LA be voting for Nithya For the record if you're voting in LA vote for Nithya.

38:21Spencer Pratt needs to go to crimetown. Yeah, he needs to go to crimetown. He's a fucking brain-dead belligerent moron and Karen Bass is useless. But I think it's so funny the way that you kind of can't control the vibes assessment that you get from the general public in politics. Zoran will do something. He'll walk down the street and shake hands with people and people will just be like foaming at the mouth ravenous for how cool he is and he is. But then if like if Kathy Hochul did the same thing, they'd be like, they'd be ready to kill her. Like there's just a, and it's, and I also agree with that and feel the same way, but I'm like, how do you, I guess it's just being genuinely cool.

39:00I think it's being genuinely cool. I think there's a certain level of charisma and then also just like being pretty normal. Yeah. I think like a big problem that I feel like I'm seeing a lot of progressive politicians run into is like, they're trying so hard to perform cool. Right. If they were just, like, earnest and kind of having fun, like, Zoran's kind of awkward. He's kind of, like, dorky. And I think that, like, if people, like, kind of stopped trying to, like, I don't know, like, sell a personality, I think they could do better. Not that Zoran's not doing that, but, like. Well, they really thought they were going to get him.

39:36It's so funny. All the times they thought they were going to get him, and then they just boosted his profile by, like, a million. Like, when they put out, they were like, oh, my God, look at this humiliating rap that he did where he was, like, 23 and shirtless and a whole all cart. and I was like, he looks so fun and pretty hot. Yeah. Yeah, he should be the mayor. It was like every time they tried to get him, they just showed him being a normal guy. Yeah. And I think that's also something that I think we're missing a lot. They did the same thing to AOC. Do you remember when they put out that? They were like, look at this video of her dancing on a rooftop.

40:08That was crazy. She looks so hot and fun. Now every day RFK Jr. is dragging a dead deer across the way. I swan. Bringing it in front of a bunch of kids and just fucking stabbing it open. I'm going to have to be like, oh, yeah, when she danced, that was crazy.

40:30Oh, shit. That's so funny. What are you looking forward to? What are you excited about? What's going on with you? I don't know. I'm, like, touring. I have, like, my hour and stuff, and I'm excited to do that more. I really, really like doing shows. I like doing stand-up a lot. That's a lot of what I look forward to. How's the hour going? How has building it been? Like, have there been parts of it that you were... Is this your first hour? Yeah, this is my first hour. Have there been parts of it that you were surprised by? Like, what... Tell me about building the hour. I think, like, it really started from, like...

41:08It's been interesting. I think it's also just, like, evolved throughout my, like, transition and also like I think my political perspective. Like I think when I started I was a lot more like kind of like, I wouldn't say they're hacky trans jokes, but they were just like pretty basic about like how I was perceived and stuff. Yeah, finding voice, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now like now where I'm at with it is I feel so confident in who I am that it is what I'm saying is crazy. and I'm like screaming and I'm going nuts about I don't know, kind of in like a I don't know, like a bash back sort of way or whatever like it's less about me being like, oh I hope that people see me as a girl and more me being like, fuck you, fuck you fuck you and I really like that You have some of my favorite jokes about gender You have, there are two jokes of yours in particular that I think about a lot.

42:13You have, and I'll butcher them in front of you and I don't care. Hell yeah. I don't feel embarrassed. I'm going to butcher your own jokes in front of you. There's the one that you have about being like, about being like, when I was non-binary, I was like, gender's fake. It's completely invented. We don't have to think about this. Like, grow up. Yeah. And then when I transitioned to being a woman, I was like, I'm a girl. I'm actually just a girl. I'm actually just like a girl. Oh, it's funny. I feel like that's a thing that like trans people do a lot because it's like, it's like, and that's not what like non-binary is not soft launching transgender.

42:49I mean, both are non-binary people are trans, but like, um, I don't know. It is really funny when you go from non-binary to binary trans because it's like gender's made up. And then it's like, but I'm maybe a little bit more like this one. But if I had to pick, yeah. Yeah, I love that joke Well, it's such a funny thing to me about The older trans people that I'm friends with Is that they have a real A lot of them a real fucking gripe with non-binary Because they love the binary They're like, no, I was a boy And now I'm a girl And they're very intense about it That's really something I've been running into a lot Is like, I don't know Trans people have such a Diverse array Of opinions about like transness and like how they should be perceived and also like what we should be doing as trans people it feels a lot like leftists to be real it's like so many people have a different idea of it and they get so mad if someone is doing it the wrong way i kind of think that that the whole point of like leftism and transgenderism is being like oh you can kind of do whatever you want that's the point we're fighting for you to just do however you want to do it but you just can't tell anyone else how to do it but yeah i'm like meeting older trans people and they're like talking to me about like i don't know sometimes i'll be like oh like so like did you get like just talking about like work getting work done or whatever and it is a little bit like um yeah we don't really do that anymore all right well and we do and we do but like maybe we don't just kind of spring that on people anymore.

44:28Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, I think if I've learned anything from the older queers in my life in general, it's sort of sad and sort of beautiful, but it's the idea that truly everybody, no matter who they are, every group is susceptible to the idea of aging just makes you more conservative. Like, I'll talk to older queer people across the spectrum, and almost every single one of them will say something that I'm like, whoa, what the fuck? Yeah. But it's like, yeah, they, I, I don't know. This is a person who was born in like 1966. Like. Totally. And also it's like, it's very real that like, I don't know, whatever you feel will help you survive.

45:10Especially like, I don't know. It's like trans people like giving me advice, even if it is unsolicited and I don't like the advice that they're giving me. It's like that is coming from a real place of their experience and like what they think. And I, and I do respect it. And I take it and I go, well, it's not for me, but I don't know.

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49:33I'm very grateful that I get to know older trans people. I didn't think that that would ever be a thing for me. yeah like that's crazy um i didn't even really know that that was gonna be a thing like a period but like let alone that like i get to like talk to them i don't know yeah that makes total sense um yeah i think we would uh all of us in general just benefit more from like the thing you're saying of being like yeah someone can tell me something and i can just go that's not for me but thank you it was nice to talk with you about that i think we all would benefit more from just being like oh yeah i don't feel that way it's okay that you do yeah i mean i think then that feels like security and your identity to me is being like oh yeah like you can say something and i don't feel the same way or like i don't want to receive that but like that that doesn't affect me like i don't sure legit no worries yeah no worries i kind of i kind of got my shit down yeah um and you got your shit down and that's okay we don't have to change each other's minds um i mean like be respectful and stuff but that's really all i asked just do whatever you want i just yeah i'm like i don't care do whatever you want i'm gonna do what i want i'm having a great time yeah you can tell me anything you want to tell me and i'm just like yeah i think my favorite people are people that are just like self-aware and non-plussed like i just love people that are like oh yeah i know i'm like this and that's this is a thing i'm willing to try and change this thing i'm not like just very aware of what's going on with them i like that yeah and it's It's really comforting because it is, like, I don't know, it's overwhelming when you're trying so hard to be so many different things the right way.

51:09And I think when you let go of that, it is, like, a very nice feeling to be like, oh, I'm just, like, going to be me and, like, do this my own way. And your way might be, like, some way that I would totally hate. But, like, do it. Yeah. You can do it. Getting back to the hour, because there was a question I wanted to ask you that I forgot about. when you were building your hour did you did you look at it in terms of like any particular spacing like were you like oh I'm going to build two half hours and meld them or I'm going to build four 15 minutes like was there any particular way that you built it out or did you just kind of like vibe it yeah it's kind of like like 20 minutes about like me 20 minutes about like how I grew up and then maybe like 20 minutes about just the world around me and the world either reacting to me or me reacting to the world.

52:04I don't think that was like super intentional, but like I think that that helped me in terms of like putting it together and being like, okay, like what do I want to get across if like somebody's coming and like seeing me and it's like probably my perspective, my experience, and whatever I think is funny right now. and yeah I think it's working really well I just did it last night it was really really fun where'd you do it? I did it for the Netflix as a joke festival you were in LA last night? I was in LA last night when did you get here? this morning oh my god Aiden are you so exhausted? I'm doing 10 out of 10 I said I don't know where Lisbon is and I think that they should make Michael Vick ugly in the games I'm doing 10 out of 10 Did you at least have a direct flight overnight?

52:54Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, thank God. Yeah. That's sick. Where did you run it? What venue? It was at Lyric. Lyric. I love that place. I'm really excited. I think I'm going to get to go. I've had on my calendar for months, and I really think I'm going to get to make it. Next weekend, Steve Hernandez is recording his special there. Oh, my God. And I think I'm going to get to be there for it. I'm really excited. I love Steve Hernandez. He's a fucking legend. So much. Isn't he the best? He's the best. Yeah. I think like maybe the, I would say like maybe number one straight guy that I, or sorry, not straight guy.

53:27Um, number one, but I, what am I trying to say? But I know exactly what you mean. I'm like, I'm like. Number one, like cis, like masculine. Like number one masculine guy. Yeah. Like I, I don't think I've ever met a more positive masculine figure. Yeah. But me being like, oh, the best straight guy is like bisexual. Bisexual and polyamorous. Yeah. Yeah, bisexual players. Yeah, I don't know. He's second. He's so funny. I fucking love Steve. He is, like, one of the most unexpected. Like, when I moved to L.A., I knew Steve from the internet before I moved to L.A. because he and Amy Miller were truly, like, so fucking nice to me.

54:05Like, when I was in Chicago and I had, like, a little bit of internet attention and, like, I was, like, really starting to pick up and, like, I was still not bad at stand-up, but, like, I was very bad at stand-up at one point. At this point, I was decent, but I was, like, really still figuring out my voice. Yeah. Amy and Steve, Amy Miller and Steve Hernandez, truly took such good care of me. They, like, found out I was coming to L.A. And they were, like, Amy was, like, I'm going to call the Lyric Hyperion and, like, try and get you a show slot. And, like, got me booked at Lyric for a headlining show.

54:32And they put me on their podcast. And Amy, like, Amy was, like, if there's any comics you want to know, like, let me introduce you. And Steve, same thing. Like, Steve was, like, if you decide to move to L.A., like, hit me up. And, like, truly, like, I owe them so much for their, like, help to me at that time. Yeah. And I was just blown away. I think they're both so fucking funny, but I was blown away by Steve's point of view and like perspective. Yeah, I just don't think I'd ever met anyone like, like who, like, I don't know. I talked about that stuff before and like also like talked about it with such, like there's like a masculine bravado to talking about like queerness that I had not encountered before.

55:13And I was like, oh, that's so sick. I love that. Yeah. He's up there being like, come on fellas If you've never been f***ing the ass, you haven't lived He's like He's like slapping a football Being like, man Once a guy's f***ing thick You're not going back I'm telling you It's great I love it Yeah, he f***ing cracks me up And Amy too, Amy's so goddamn funny Yeah, and so sweet Amy Miller is a f***ing killer She's so good she has a joke yeah I won't butcher her jokes to you but they're both just so so so fucking funny LA has a lot of like truly for all the jokes about the LA comedy scene which are all valid and very valid completely valid all true based 100 % in facts and data for all of that there are just like some fucking amazing comics in LA that that are I'm just like oh my god you should be so much more famous than some of the people that are famous for this there's much better yeah it's weird i mean i i don't i i don't know if like it's if the move is to come here and like do more stand-up but like for you you mean well for like i there are a lot of people who i think could be like really really good at stand-up but they want to stay in la so that they can like act and stuff um and like that's totally valid or they just want to stay in la because they want to stay in la i think staying in la to stay in la is valid at this point staying in la because you want to act is like, it's like staying in Atlantis because you like being above water.

56:45It's like, that isn't happening there anymore. Like, that's over. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. But LA is such a beautiful place to live. It's like, stay because you enjoy living there. It really is. I love LA. LA's so good. You think you'd ever move here? I do think about it. Well, I really want to have that experience. And I really like my quality of life. LA. I really like being in the sun. I really like my people. But God, to miss out on living in New York City. New York, the big apple. New York City. That was kind of why I moved too. I was just like, I was, I'm sure I'll move back to, I was telling someone the other night, like, I imagine in three years I will probably move back to LA for multiple years and then move back to New York.

57:33I feel like I'm just going to ping pong my whole life. Yeah. And then I'll do something fucking random and move to like Amsterdam or something. But I really was about to turn 30 and I was like, oh, fuck. I am not going to want to do this when I'm 40, I don't think. So I better go do it now. Well, I really want to go out more and be around people more. And I'm sure I could make that happen in L.A., but it feels like a lot more work than to do it here. Whenever I'm here, somebody invites me out every single night. And that's so great. And when I'm in L.A., people want me dead. Maybe people don't like me.

58:08but like that's how people just don't want to go and do stuff i think they're tired of driving they don't want to drive people don't want you dead in la they just do not want to leave the house yeah it's very very rare for people to want to leave the house in la i i think that's it i really my dream my absolute dream is i really want to like have like some some land that i like collectively share with a bunch of other people and we can all have little like tiny homes on it or something. Where do you imagine that's going to happen? I don't know. Maybe like the Pacific Northwest or something. I think you'd be the first queer person to ever try and do that in the Pacific Northwest.

58:46I don't, yeah. If I do it in the Well And guess what? I'll be there. And please do. I really think it could be so beautiful. I mean I just like, I miss hanging out. I like want, I want everybody to be hanging out and I think that if we all lived 20 feet away from each other, maybe a little farther, right? Maybe 30, 40. Maybe 30, 40. Yeah. Then I think it would be really easy. I'm down. Unfortunately, I'm trying to make this, this pitch is not working because of the state politics, but I'm trying to make this pitch for Missouri because Kansas City is so great and so easy to get. It's an hour to Chicago.

59:22It's an hour to Atlanta. It's three to New York and three to LA. It's like the perfect place for touring artists in general. And I keep trying to make this pitch and everyone's like, we don't want to live in Missouri due to the Christo-fascist government. I'm like, totally, totally, totally. And I get it. So it's not happening for me where I want it to happen, but I do have the same vision as you. I'll come. I'll get a gun. Come and get a gun. That's what a lot of my trans friends are doing in Kin City. Hell yeah. Yeah, people are getting armed that have never thought about getting guns before.

59:48I'll tell you that. I love that. I think that's so sick. I think it's chic as fuck. I think that we gotta do it. I mean, it's just... It's not gonna be... Unfortunately, it's not looking like fascism's gonna end with us all kind of praying. I do think that it's going to involve some guns at some point And so I don't think it's a bad idea for us to all brush up a bit Yeah I got some, you know I was an Eagle Scout Oh, I can shoot I can shoot I'm a great shot I don't want to Here's the thing though I'll move before I get involved in any sort of gun revolution I'll go somewhere else I love this country up to a point It's not that I love this country But I love revolution No, I'm sorry See, I'm the opposite.

1:00:32I'm in Les Mis. I'm in Les Mis. I'm in Les Mis. I think I can really Les Mis my life. I keep going back and forth about whether or not I love this country. Sometimes I'm like, of course, objectively, I don't. How could I? And then other times I'm like, I really do love this country. I love like, I don't love our government, but I love like the people and my experiences here and it being home. And like, I love like the physical beauty of this country. Like there are things I love about this country. And I go back and forth about what that means. I'm like, am I patriotic? And then I'm like, ooh, is it actually patriotic?

1:01:03Is it patriotic how much I hate this country? I think, I mean, I think it's like, it's like all you can really care about is people, right? And the people that you're around. It's like hard to care about like a thing, like a country because like what is a country? You know, a government or whatever. I've been thinking about this a lot. What is a country? Is it a government? Is it a border? Is it a, I don't think it's a border, but I'm like, that is what would technically define the, space of a country. So I think it's just like, yeah, I love people in my community. I love people that I'm around.

1:01:38I love the beauty in the place that I grew up and drive through or whatever. Yeah. And I would defend that against data centers or whatever it's going to be. Yeah. I think they're going to pretty soon they're going to introduce the big smashing robot that destroys mountains. And I'm ready. I'm pretty sure that's coming soon. I'm ready to kill the robot. Yeah. They're like, oh, the robot that mows down every tree. It's going to be the Lorax soon. I know it's like, oh, ha-ha, jokes, jokes, jokes, but it's going to be the Lorax soon. Very soon. I really think it is. And we're going to have to kill the once-lur.

1:02:19Do you know what, though? I fucking love being American. Like, when Europeans make fun of Americans, and they're like, you guys are so loud and annoying, and, like, you think that your culture is the center of the universe. I'm like... I don't know I kind of just love being American I love being loud as fuck in Paris I love annoying little French people giving me side eye Like I give a fuck what they think I'm like yeah I'm fucking fat and loud and tall And American and I love it Yeah I can't get enough of it Fuck a baguette I love calories and being loud And country music and football My dick I love it I completely love it Wow you are American I love movies.

1:02:59I love everything we do. I love movies. I love the California coast. I love the fruited plains. You should write a country song. This is crazy. This is a shirt. Fuck everybody. I love America in some ways. Yeah. And tell that to the French people. Yeah. I mean, I do think they get a little obsessed with rules. I like what I what I do like about American culture is that I do think there's there's an idea I don't know that we follow it but like that like oh nobody's gonna fuck with us like we're not gonna listen to anybody else's rules you know we're not gonna let anyone step on us or whatever totally and that's when we start doing war crimes and then yeah and I'll say that's where I step off yeah right at our war crimes I do start to step away but if that idea like like if that idea was cool that would be really great of just being like i'm gonna do me fuck you you can't tell me what to do yeah i like that idea i don't like that that involves the destruction of the world for some reason not into that part of it at all into that part at all but i don't know i really feel like there's just there's just a little misaligning where we could really get some people to turn over into being like, oh, wait, I don't think that the government's...

1:04:25It doesn't have to be this way. I guess that's... I think people really feel like it has to be this way. What is so true to you, Hayden? Oh, I have one. Okay. You'll be the first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. And this goes kind of along with what we've been talking about. Okay. I don't... I think that people have to stop making fun of furries. Full stop. Say that. I think that they are amazing. They're sweet people. And also, it's, well, also it's hack. It's hack as hell. It's like, we've heard it. You think they're weird? Bitch, you're weird. Your boyfriend hates you. It's like, I promise you're weird.

1:05:10Also. Also, they're eye doctors. They have a lot going on. Yeah. We're going to need them for the revolution. Yeah, we do. When the revolution comes, we'll need their hacking. It'll come in a tail. Yeah, that's right. When the revolution comes, it'll be wearing ears. It'll come in a tail, yes. And these people have money. Yeah. And when we go up against the American government, we're going to have to do guerrilla warfare. Yes. It's not going to be pretty, but we're going to have to be in the woods and stuff. And who's going to want to be the guerrilla? That's right. That's right. Furries. Yes.

1:05:46Yeah. Well, they're going to be looking for a bunch of people. They're going to be looking for a bunch of people hiding out in the woods. Yeah. They're going to see a bunch of deers and foxes, and they're going to go, well, they're not here. They're going to go, that's so realistic, that fox. That has to be real. That fox must be real. It's so tall and standing on two legs. And then they turn around. That fox has a gun. Hello. That's right. That's just a fox grazing in the forest. Surprise. The fox has a shotgun. You're done. Yeah. You're cooked. I think that's how we win. I think that's beautiful.

1:06:14And I don't think, yeah. I think they're so lovely. I just don't think we should be... I'm an ally to the furry community. Everyone that I've met has been absolutely lovely. I don't want to be personally involved with the costumes, but I love seeing them do their thing. I love that they have entire personalities and personas for them. Yeah. I think it's beautiful and creative and wonderful. Me too. I don't have enough closet space. Otherwise, you know. Or, I mean, the financial investment is crazy. Yeah, it really is. The financial investment is crazy. You could buy a very nice luxury vehicle for what they're spending on these costumes.

1:06:45Yeah, and in a way, isn't that beautiful that they spent it on a handcraft sort of piece of art? More people should do things like that. Yeah. That is absolutely beautiful. We need the furries. We'll need them in the revolution. We will. I send my love to them. Me too. And by the way, they hurt nobody. They hurt nobody. They hurt nobody. They're not recruiting like Christians. No. You're welcome if you want to come, but they're not out firing. No, and if they did, then, you know, we could talk about that. But they're not. They're existing. They're being lovely. They're being kind to each other.

1:07:18Like, their community is mostly, like, free of Nazis, I think. I think it's a totally Nazi-free space. I think there's a couple in there. Are there Nazis in there? There's a couple in there. But they get, like, excommunicated. They're, like, you know, they're really good about keeping the Nazis out. Something that the Christians are historically bad at. Not so big on. Yeah, they elect them. Yeah. Yeah, they really like them. They like keeping them around. I think this is completely beautiful. Do you have a furry in your life? I have a couple. and they're all really nice. That is beautiful. Yeah.

1:07:48I like, I just, I feel like, I also feel like there's a little bit of shame there because for a while it was like, you know, you're in like middle school or whatever and you're like, that's weird. That's creepy. You know, it's like you don't understand it and you want to not be different. I mean, to your point, it's not weirder than being in a loveless marriage of convenience. Yes. That's way fucking weirder and a lot of people do that every single day and we're expected to interact with them like they're fucking interesting and they're not. Yeah, and I think there's something about growing up and also being like, oh, again, with what we were talking about, it's just being like, oh, I can just do whatever I want and I should be allowed to do whatever I want, whatever makes me happy.

1:08:27And if that's furries, furry shit, go off. I think that's so cool. I think that's so cool. I think that's so cool. Shout out to furries and their fursonas. Yes. I love them. I want them to be well, and I do welcome them in the revolution. And I think when the revolution comes, I hope that they'll be out there on the front lines. I don't we don't need them to be on the front lines they need to be on the front lines they need to be on the front lines but I'm gonna be sending love to them from a safe location somewhere far away y 'all start putting vests inside those suits yeah that could be that could be cool I'm gonna be posting on my Instagram story shout out to all the furries in Cleveland today that were a part of the battle I'm on like a terrace yeah I'm on I'm on a terrace in Ibiza yeah on Signal I love it That's so funny Do you have any skills I don't know about?

1:09:20Do you have any useful skills for the revolution or otherwise? God Oh no I know how good you are at comedy Yeah, I'm kind of just like nice to be around Sometimes I completely agree Oh gosh I like cooking, I'm getting into cooking a lot What are you making? I'm making a lot of, I really love breakfast But I'm making a lot of curries. I'm making a lot of salmon. What kind of curries? You know, just like a golden curry. Ooh. Yeah, red curry. I don't know. I really like spicy food. A lot of the people in my life don't like spicy food, so it's kind of. I do. You do? Yeah, I would eat. If you made spicy curry for me, I would go crazy.

1:10:06Okay, well, when you're in L.A. for Steve Hernandez. You won't be back yet, though, will you? Will I? Yeah, I'll be back. I thought you were going to be here for like two weeks. I'll be here for a week. Oh, wow. You'll be back. This is huge. Will you make curry for me for real? Absolutely. Do you mean it? Yes. Can I hang out with your boyfriends? Definitely. I would love for you to meet my boyfriends. Oh, my God. Life is so good right now. Do I get to meet all five or just the two mains? I would say the two mains, but the other three come around sometimes. One of them is not around at the moment.

1:10:35Okay. No worries. Extremely vague and scary, and I actually don't want you to go anymore into that. I'd rather play a game. I'm like, they're in Europe. They're not around right now. They're unavailable. In the woods. Hayden, I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. And baby, if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Can I double or nothing? Yes. Great. You're the first person to ever ask. Wait, how do I double or nothing? You're the first person to ask. I don't know what it means, but we'll do it.

1:11:08Okay, great, great, great. Here's what I'll tell you. Okay, so you need to get 10 or more correct to get$50. How about if you get 13 or more correct, I'll give you$150. Work. You ready? Okay. Walk in. Okay, Rugrats ran for nine seasons. True. That is true. The iPhone 5S was released in 2013. False. That is true. Chimpanzees or herbivores? True. That is true. All metals are magnetic. False. That is false. Monroe, Ohio's motto is firmly founded, proudly growing. True. That is true. Jimmy John's was founded in 1983. True. That is true. One light year is a measurement of time. True. False. It's distance.

1:11:54Hey, fuck. Jellyfish are 95 % water. True. True. The Mojave Desert is in Africa. False. False in the U.S. Ohio, is it Mojave or Mojave? Mojave. Thank you. Ohio University's mascot is Randy the Bobcat. False. False. It's Rufus the Bobcat. Hell yeah. All arachnids have eight legs. False. True. It is true. Carly Rae Jepsen played soccer in college. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

1:12:41What? It's a bunch of, like, science and history.

1:12:54I want double or nothing on if Carly Rae Johnson played soccer. True. False. False.

1:13:12That's crazy. Oh, my God. A heptagon has seven sides. True. That is true. Switzerland is landlocked. True. True. Bonnie Raitt has never won the Grammy for Album of the Year. False. That is false. I'm so sorry. I think you got 12. 12. Oh, my God. That's okay. So now you get nothing. Yeah. And all because I hadn't been following what Carly Rae Jepsen was up to in college. You could have asked me anything about her and it would have been pretty 50-50 if I'd get it. Who could know about her? Was she really good? She did not. She didn't play. Oh, wait. Chance just goes into his fucking weird little brain and pulls out something to say.

1:14:05He's a sick... By the way, he gets a lot of them wrong. There's a lot of contesting. Please, please search stuff. Does anyone... Do you have Carly Rae Jemsen's contact? Yeah, you want to call her? I would love to. No, I'm kidding. Could you imagine? I have her number and we call her right now and go, did you ever touch a soccer ball in college? I'm talking one afternoon with friends is all I need. Carly Rae Jemsen, I'm calling on you, please. Once in the park with friends, if you touch the soccer ball, I think I can get this money, please. Oh my god Hayden, tell people where they can find you please And how they can support you Oh my god, yeah You can follow me on Instagram At underscore Hayden underscore Johnson I'm also on Blue Sky I'm trying to get people into Blue Sky I really think we should get into Blue Sky I think Blue Sky is good You gotta get past some of this shit But I think it can be fun over there But nobody's joining It's just me and like 10 weirdos and then I'm touring right now my hour is called Piss Queen I'm in a bunch of cities I don't know when this comes out but you can find them on my Instagram oh yeah rock on thanks for doing it this was great thanks for having me Apple Pay is the simple secure and fast way to pay that's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone accepted at millions of places from big box stores to boutiques you can check out with your iPhone anywhere contactless payments are accepted Apple Pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with Face ID before you pay, and your actual card number is never shared with merchants.

1:15:39Add your debit or credit card to Apple Wallet to check out in seconds. Simple. Secure. Fast. That's Apple Pay. Terms apply. And we're back. Streaming on Peacock. May I present to you the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller. Slap me. Let's draw something loose. Ay, yes! I like that. The Certified Fresh Series returns. You're a boss. You always like this, or is this just an act? Oh no, this is mad. Oysters, everybody! There's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to live.

1:16:16I'm Glenn Washington. This is Snap Judgment from KQED. When everything is falling apart, what do you do? Hurricane Helene shut everything down. No roads, no cars, no way through. But his daughter was getting married. And somehow, someway, he was going to walk her down that aisle. All Systems Down. A new Snap Judgment miniseries from KQED. Tap to listen now.