Jack Martin Returns

16:04Caleb Hearon:I would have played that even worse I would have assumed he didn't hear me And said it like three more times Oh, sorry. Turn it down. Why didn't you turn off the rain for me? Dude, I miss you being a Jeep guy. What are you driving these days? I got a Mustang, which I guess is like optically even worse. That was tough to hear. Yeah, I'm sorry. You driving top down around LA with that thing? Yeah, unfortunately. Fun but tough. Well, maybe we could ride together in it and sing some songs and change your mind. I would love that. Change your whole view. I'll put on This Kiss by Faith Hill. Yeah, I know that's right.

16:38Caleb Hearon:I know you're on that right now. Yeah, I am. Johnny Berktold's influence. Mm-hmm. And the chicks, come on. Come on, dude. I need to actually get in the Mustang with you. I need to get out there. Cowboy, take me away. Cowboy, take me away in many ways. And in many ways, tonight the heartache's on me. I've been saying it for years. It's like these women, the chicks did something that no one else has ever done, which is make music. Literally. No one ever made music before or after. That is genuinely how I feel when I was doing that. Just the chicks. In the sunshine. Hey. The Los Angeles sunshine.

17:08Come on. Come on. Jack, you need to have some love for New York. You're in a show about New York. You're right.

17:14Caleb Hearon:You're right. I am actively promoting a show that is celebrating New York. We're going to get you there. There's a lot to like about New York. Yeah. I think the times I have in New York, it's been my fault. I'll admit that. What's your least favorite place you've ever lived or spent time? Are you scared to say that? Yeah, I have an answer, but I feel like they'll be mad at me. That'll be for me. That'll be for me. and is your most favorite legitimately LA yeah it is you know what I think I would have a lot of fun if I moved in with your parents in Michigan for a little bit you would love that your mom is my boy your dad is my boy they text me about you all the time that's important to me when your special came out they took a picture of it on Apple TV and texted it to the family group chat and said that's our son and in many ways I am and I need to get over there It's true.

18:04I want to go with them in Michigan. I haven't been to see them there at all.

18:08Caleb Hearon:Yeah, I mean, you would adore it. And they're riding bikes over there. Your dad's retiring, like, next week. Yeah. I know he's going to be looking for some good times. Yeah. I need to get up there. You guys could hang. You could, like, walk around the water and wave to people. Yeah, and I don't want you or Maddie to come. I understand that. Do you know what I mean? I understand that completely. Because then it would be about, like, they'd have to really lock it on you guys. I feel like I've been trooting. I want my time. Of course. With your parents. Yeah. You got that a little bit on Pizza Movie.

18:33Caleb Hearon:Yeah. I did. We had the giant green room, and then I would leave to shoot, and it would just be you and your boys. Green room. Yeah, the classroom. Yeah. Yeah. Classroom. It was a really scary situation. It was a really scary. We were in a condemned high school outside of Syracuse. I mean, I can't say enough. I'm grateful for the opportunity. Thank you guys for having me. I think pizza movie number two, if we do one, it's going to need to be set somewhere different. I think this time they're at... Let's do it White Lotus style. This time they're at a resort. Yes. Why could Pete's movie not be at the Four Seasons of Thailand?

19:12Caleb Hearon:It should be. I can't think of one reason why not. They become the staff at the Four Seasons Thailand. We just literally do White Lotus. White Lotus, but with the Pizza Movie cast. We'll kill Gaten or something. And Gaten would love that. Gaten would love that. He'd be so happy to be the guy who gets killed. We won't kill him right away. Or we'll kill him right away, and then the whole season will be him playing a ghost or something. Yes. Because I want him there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to lose him. He's killed immediately, and then it starts from the beginning and takes you all the way back.

19:37Yeah. Killed immediately, and then flashback vibes. Yeah.

19:40Caleb Hearon:Do you think you'd still be the Grinch at times? No. Okay. I don't think I'll get in that costume again. Right. For any reason. I mean, I want a different kink. I want a different kink for my guy if we go forward. Yeah. Well, wasn't Grinch originally your idea or no? It was part of it, but I guess I thought it would be more of a face paint situation. Right. I didn't really fully understand what would be happening with Grinch. I'm operating in a way of like, what's the funniest? And then I'm not realizing that I've made my life hell. I will say, I think one of my favorite moments in my life was when I was on set and we didn't know exactly what time you were coming in.

20:18Caleb Hearon:We knew you were coming directly in from your first ever HBO special and it was a very big moment for you and you were coming to Pizza Movie just to grace us with your presence in the movie. I was very excited. And you FaceTimed us. It's the Grinch. With a diaper on. Yeah. And full green face paint. Yeah. Just what the fuck is going on? You didn't know you were going to do that, right? It's really funny to think about how seriously I try to take this job. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I thought about that character. Mm-hmm. And then it's like, you just sometimes have to step out and be like, we are clowns.

20:52Caleb Hearon:Yeah. We are clowns. Me, in particular. I mean, you got to play like a - I mean, I was screaming at a butterfly. You were screaming at a butterfly, for sure. Yeah. That was voiced by Daniel Radcliffe. Yeah. Yeah, and Nick's note for me was, Lysander the Butterfly is your first worthy adversary.

21:12Yeah, I do love those guys. I love them. Nick and Brian, they're good boys. They're the greatest boys ever. They're good boys. They're wonderful boys. What's been exciting you lately? What's been on your mind? What's life outside Pizza Movie?

21:22Caleb Hearon:Aside from Pizza Movie and lactose intolerance? That I am worried about. I have to say, actually, on that note, I was really concerned when you said that your lactose intolerance is coming up in therapy a lot. Because I'm not in therapy, so maybe I don't understand really what goes on in there. Right. But I thought it was supposed to be more emotional stuff, but maybe it's the emotions of lactose intolerance. Right. Well, I have really bad OCD, so I think it's probably them being like, oh, yeah, you're fixating on the milk. Then that's really not the problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Which probably should have been evident to me earlier.

21:55Yeah.

21:57Caleb Hearon:Do you talk about your OCD much? Um, a little bit. Not really. Yeah? But, yeah, I mean, it's the worst. It's horrible. Is it, does, do you fear, like, will talking about it trigger stuff? Like, do you, like, will it trigger spirals if you talk about it too much? Or do you feel like you can talk about it? No, I feel like I can talk about it. I think what it usually is for me is, like, I get an idea in my head, and then I can't stop thinking about it, and then I need to talk about it. So I guess basically what you just said. Yeah. But, yeah, it sucks. Yeah. Yeah. It sucks. When did you, how long have you been diagnosed with it?

22:33Caleb Hearon:Well, I wasn't diagnosed until I was like late in high school. But in retrospect, it was like incredibly obvious. Like this is so depressing. But when I was a little kid, I would come home. Like I would be in school and I'd be taking a test. And I was like, I was so worried about cheating on a test. And I remember I like looked over to the clock and I accidentally graced a kid's paper on the way. And I was like freaking the fuck out of it all day. And I came home to my mom crying. And I was like, I didn't, I swear I didn't mean to look at the paper. where I promised I didn't use it. I felt so horrible.

23:03Caleb Hearon:So it's just that over and over again, but about different things. I'll probably do it about something I said about on the podcast in like 30 minutes. Well, if that's the case, then everyone on this podcast has OCD. Everyone who comes on this show must have OCD. Because I will tell you, the text messages and emails that Chance and I get after every recording of this show, and we have never once let someone look bad. Yeah. Not on purpose. I mean, of course, there's times that you think something's totally fine and then it turns out everyone hates it yeah which happens to me constantly but i really it will be like if we record someone and their episode's not coming out for three weeks i would say chance virginia and i we're getting emails two three in the morning every couple days wow for most of our guests who's expecting a 3 a.m email to be opened no they're just like hey uh but they're not i don't think they're expecting like feedback in real time right but that's when they're thinking about it yeah they're going like They're going like, fuck.

23:57I think the thing I said about like, it'll be the most benign thing you've ever heard. Sure. It'll be like when I said I don't really like going to the grocery store alone, I just feel like maybe going to the grocery store alone community would be upset. Just to be safe, can we cut it? I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ.

24:15Caleb Hearon:I can't make fun of that person at all because it's completely me. I make fun of them. I mean, we always cut it, but I make fun of them while we do it. Well, yeah. And I also think I deserve to be made fun of for it. Wouldn't make fun of you for it. Okay. Not to your face, but probably because of the OCD stuff. Sure, sure. If I didn't know you had a diagnosis, I'd go ahead and go in on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, the diagnosis would change things for me. You have my permission. That, yeah, that sounds really fucking annoying. Yeah, it sucks. I hate that for you. Yeah. Is there like medication or is it like mostly just like therapy and talking?

24:44Caleb Hearon:Yeah, so unfortunately there's a very specific kind of therapy which supposedly fixes it and I still haven't done it. Jack. Why? Why? Why? What's holding you back? I'm scared. of it scared uh what's the fear we also don't have to talk about that if you like i don't really want to go into it well yeah i mean i feel like it probably just will be depressing to talk about yeah and not funny actually my uh medical diagnoses are not a lot of fun for fodder yeah yeah therapy i'm not in therapy i consider it sometimes and then every time i'm just like i don't know i got a lot going on i feel like you're also like the most well-adjusted person i've ever met though so dude i really i think if anyone doesn't need it It's you.

25:26Well, you know, I'm taking matters into my own hands anyway. I'm on 75 Caleb.

25:33Caleb Hearon:I'm so excited about 75 Caleb. Do you understand? I don't know if you fully grasp this. I'm a big fucking joke to everyone who works for me. I mean, these are people I've been nothing but good to. And I'm a big fucking joke to them. Well, yeah, Chance is just taking advantage of you all the time. I can't even really get into Chance and I's dynamic. The way that he Yeah Disrespects me And refuses to show gratitude Yeah I mean I took this guy From the gutter I know You understand what I'm saying Dude he had nothing And that was last week Yeah Yeah I pulled this guy out of Nothing And now he's riding in limousines Living in a gorgeous Luxury apartment in New York A private jet No fucking Private jets Women drugs Caviar Diamonds Yeah No fucking respect at all I get from these people It's crazy I saw him make eye contact with you during the episode Which is crazy Which he knows I don't like It's been established It's like how hard is it You know Fuck Yeah I don't really think that's hard at all Yeah thank you Jack That's because you're a good guy And I wish I had guys like you in my inner circle I know We're just like internet We're just friends for the public We never hang out privately It's contractual I just wish I had guys like you in my circle Because these guys don't respect me they're not nice to me.

26:51I asked them to do a book club with me. They told me no.

26:53Caleb Hearon:I know. I said, do you guys want to do a book club, company book club? They said, they said, no, you stupid fat and ugly. I told them that 75 Caleb was changing my life. And they, and, and Michelle texts back, it's day one, by the way. Someone, someone's life can't be changed in a day. It's just the, yeah, it never stops. Yeah. I mean, it's just unbelievably crossing a line. It never stops. What is the biggest, change you've ever made in your life? What is the best thing that you started doing that improved your life? Do you have one? Oh my god, I don't know if I do. Do you have one? Well, I was going to think while you were answering.

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31:21Caleb Hearon:Apple Pay is the simple, secure, and fast way to pay. That's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone. Accepted at millions of places, from big box stores to boutiques, you can check out with your iPhone anywhere contactless payments are accepted. Apple Pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with Face ID before you pay, and your actual card number is never shared with merchants. Add your debit or credit card to Apple Wallet to check out in seconds. Simple. Secure. Fast. That's Apple Pay. Terms apply. Honestly, probably no more. See, maybe you didn't start out in the kind of place I started out in.

31:58To me, it was no more 2 a.m. DoorDash. Wow. No more 2 a.m. DoorDash changed everything for me. That's a change I need to make. I was ordering some of the most fucked up things you've ever heard of at 2 in the morning while stoned, so I could have the superpower of a stoned stomach where I can eat more of it. Of course. And just waking up feeling some of the most disastrous feelings you've ever felt in your life. Well, that's intensely relatable, yeah. Depression, anxiety, not to mention the physical, literal stuff that was happening in my stomach. You know, like...

32:29Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Sort of like eating dim sum and having two large protein shakes before and after. So, yeah. You did let me know that you had a protein shake before and after dim sum last night. Yeah. I'm wondering why. Just filling myself with milk. I...

32:48Caleb Hearon:I can't explain it. I did come to dinner with a large CVS bag. It's unforgivable. That's what was in there? I didn't know that's what was in there. That's crazy. Yeah, and I don't really know what's in the drinks either because it's a yogurt brand that makes the drink, and it's like the yogurt company makes milk now, and I'm just really thrown off by all of it. Yeah, companies are doing everything these days. Yeah, did you see the thing that one of the Prego is making a device that records you in your home? Can we... This is a real thing. You're lying. I swear to God. You're making this up. I swear on my life.

33:22I'm going to cry. Chance, can you Google Prego home surveillance? I'm so pissed off and sad. No, we're amused. We're amused. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to tell people what you came up with?

33:36Caleb Hearon:Yeah, I saw a TikTok that said your life will be so much better if instead of your default staying being slightly annoyed, you're instead slightly amused. I will say I think I do that. You do do that. I mostly am like trying to, do you know what's funny? I got way too high like two weeks ago. I think I told you this. And I was having a panic attack. And I kept forcing myself to laugh. And my friend, who I called over to take care of me during my panic attack, was like, what's funny? And I was like, nothing. I'm trying to make it funny. I'm just picturing the monologue from The End of Pearl and just a smile on your face while tears are coming down.

34:08Caleb Hearon:I haven't seen it. What kind of monologue is it? That movie's so good. It's just on Mia Goth for like eight minutes straight, and she's just completely losing her mind. It's incredible. Really? Yeah. I want something like that. I have a really embarrassing story related to that movie that I'll tell you when we're not on the air. Prego has a dinner conversation recording device. Capisce? What the fuck? The pasta sauce company has partnered with the non-profit StoryCorps on a device designed to record family conversations around the table and save them for all time.

34:43For all time. For all time is nuts. Prego, no.

34:49Caleb Hearon:Why did they have to add for all time? Why is StoryCorps entering the chat? By the way, there's nothing you can do to ever delete it. It's recorded. It's recorded for all time. That makes me fucking ill. Who do you think at the pasta sauce company said we need to make this? You know, I almost bet it was StoryCorps. I almost bet it was StoryCorps. Does that sound crazy to say that I think StoryCorps cooked this up? Oh, they got a bundle. You get free sauce. It says easy for kids and adults. Okay, this is fantastic. It says screen free by design. As if that's fucking doing something. Well, that was the hurdle to me getting it.

35:28Family controlled privacy. Rechargeable via USB-C. Oh, it's built to last. It's built to last. It says durable design that withstands the chaos of family. You cannot destroy it. What the fuck is going on at spaghetti night? This thing needs to be titanium.

35:44Caleb Hearon:Don't worry. It's the indestructible crucible. Don't worry. It's a device that never turns off, saves everything you say, and can't be destroyed. Oh, sounds good. Why is it written in riddles? Yeah. It's fucking, it's the Terminator. Take it away, Chance. I'm upset. It listens to you always, but it can never be destroyed. What is going on? It knows your family, but you can never know it. I feel crazy. I feel crazy all the time. This is the kind of shit you see every day now. I feel amused. I feel amused. I don't know. Sometimes I can't get to amusement, and the tech stuff is really getting out of control.

36:21Caleb Hearon:Yeah, I mean, that's so tough. I really, yeah, I have some pretty severe ideas about what we need to do. But I can't say them on air. They are amusing to me as well. I'm amused. Because I've heard them and they do amuse me. I can't believe you don't have a life thing that has changed your life. Oh, I stopped drinking like five years ago. Did you? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. I've been putting alcohol in your drinks. Well, I don't count those times. Wait, did you have a problem or no? I don't think so. Well, it's always interesting. People sometimes just get sober to be like, oh, I just kind of want to.

36:58And then there's the version of getting sober where it's like, you hurt some people.

37:01Caleb Hearon:I did just sort of wake up one day and I was like, I really don't want to do this anymore. Yeah. I was just not having fun at all anymore. Yeah. And I do feel like I feel good about that decision. I feel like that was a very valid decision. Yeah. Because now if I go to any bar or party or music festival, no one's dancing. No one's seeming to enjoy themselves. Everyone's sort of staring at each other, maybe filming each other. Yeah. Very weird, horrible energy. That might just be Los Angeles. I don't know. I'm not here to talk about stuff like that. I'm not here to make guesses about those kind of things.

37:33No, I, yeah, I've never been into drinking either. I really love recovered alcoholics. They're some of my favorite people on earth.

37:40Caleb Hearon:Sure. Because they are, they're people that lived like really hard, intense lives and then got super spiritual, like pretty much overnight. Right. And they're a lot of fucking fun to talk to. Yeah. Like straight up, I'm enthralled by recovered alcoholics. Come on, the power of now? I love the power of now. I love the 12 steps. I love making amends with everyone you've ever wronged. I think that's deeply fucking cool. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I love, I also think it's kind of, and I don't know if this is like fucked up to say, and so I just, alcoholic community, let me know. I think it's deeply chic to be like, I got to get to a meeting.

38:16Yeah. That's cool as fuck. I want that I don't want to be an alcoholic I know it's really serious I'm just saying being anywhere in the world and being like I'm going to find a meeting it feels like spy shit it's really cool if you're struggling with alcohol get sober now it's fucking awesome go spy mode go spy mode go to meetings in a city you've never been to before I think that's cool as fuck I kind of want a problem yeah

38:40Caleb Hearon:not a drinking problem what problem would you like to have? I've really thought about getting a public coke problem I think that would be deeply chic for me can you give me an example of like the video that leaks of you doing coke wouldn't be leaked it would just be stuff I'm posting myself probably like I want to get really I want to like I want to spiral in public sure I think it's the next step for me yeah I'm such a good guy yeah it's like your bad boy arc I almost said good boy but that has a sexual implication but I'm just you're such a good boy I do want to be I'm such a good boy I do want a bad boy arc I want to be like, I want to show up to a late night appearance and be fucking rude to the host.

39:19Caleb Hearon:Do you think you're dropping an EP in this arc? Yo, for sure. I want to show up to set three hours late and then be like, Caleb, you can't do this. And I'll be like, I'm a fucking star. Caleb, you can't do this. Caleb, you can't do this. Well, I did, bitch. And it's Martin Scorsese. I want that. I've heard your pop punk voice too. I think your EP would go crazy. Yeah? Could you, do you mind? Give me a song. That I know. I chime in. I chime in with the haven't you people ever heard of. Do you know how I like to do? I like to send my musician friends voice notes of me covering their songs in pop punk voice.

39:58Like I'll just voice note Waxahachie in the middle of the day and be like, In the lilacs, drink the water.

40:04Caleb Hearon:I like that. Aren't you friends with Boy Genius? Because their songs would go crazy with that voice. I would love to send them. Motion sickness? I know that's Phoebe, but. Dude, let's fucking go. Come on. I have. Emotional motion sickness. That plays so well. Day off in Kyoto.

40:24Caleb Hearon:I'll call Phoebe right now. Oh, my God. I did have a year of motion sickness. It was in my Spotify top five, and your pop punk remix would be my number one, and I can say that with confidence. Look, everyone has to go through a Phoebe boy genius depression era. I had to stop listening to Phoebe because it was ruining my life. Yeah. I was getting too sad. Straight up. And I'm not joking. Straight up. It's a really, really tough thing that she's done. It was making me cry in the car, and I was like, I can't listen to this anymore. I was just crying to Kevin Morby's new album the other day, and with my friend, we turned to each other and said, he can't keep getting away with this.

40:55So he has a lyric on his new album that says, may all sinners be forgiven by Jesus Christ because it sure would be nice to see all my friends again. So don't fucking write. Yeah! It's fucked up! Don't write shit like that. Are you fucking nuts? Yeah, it's insane. And then to record it and put it out? Oh my God. Go to jail, bitch.

41:13Caleb Hearon:Oh my god That's crazy That is crazy Yeah I sob I weep I weep I weep I love music I love sad music Like music that makes I love music I love sad I love music I love sad We're even both together Yeah Do it together I'm there I did You won't believe this I bet I will I did Iris at karaoke The other day Whoa Yeah Where and with who? With my castmates At a bar On the lower east side In a room In a little One of those rooms Yeah And it was emotional Yeah? Yeah, hearts were touched. Fuck. I know. I literally wish I was there. Yeah, I did that. We did Lips of an Angel. We did Creep. Okay. Yeah. Am I losing you?

41:56Caleb Hearon:Yeah, it started to get... It's like one pretty sad song felt like funny, but three is like, what kind of night were y 'all having? Now I'm a little bit like, what's going on with the crew? We also did Year 3000. Yeah, I've been to the Year 3000. That's a fucking great song. It is. That's a fucking great song. It is. It's amazing. I've been big on Don't Forget About Me by Mariah Carey. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh. Mariah. I love her. What are your karaoke go-tos? Walkie by Britney Spears. Oh, what's that Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic! Panic!

42:42Panic! on the karaoke. I went fucking bananas on the karaoke. I was up there, dude. Michelle and Chance can verify they were there. I went really big on Any Man of Mine by Shania Twain. Now that'll bring the fucking house down. Yeah. People sleep on Any Man of Mine. Yeah. Because, man, I feel like a woman's right there. It's right there. Any Man of Mine. I pull out, man, I feel like a woman. Whose bed have your boots been under? I'll pull those out. I'm stomping. I'm clapping. Yeah. Yeah, I love to do that. But you got to understand the room.

43:14Caleb Hearon:Yeah. There's some rooms where you can't stop and clap. I looked around before one of my karaoke submissions at the Trash Mountain Rap Party, and I said, the girls have all stepped outside to smoke cigarettes, which they're doing again. Girls are smoking cigarettes again. Yep. Which is really, really concerning. Yeah. And it's mostly boys in the room. And I said, it's time for a pop punk song. You got to understand, is it boys? Is it girls? Is it gay people? Straight people? You got to understand what you're working with. You felt my presence. Yeah. I felt you there. Yeah. I felt you there. Yeah.

43:39You were not there.

43:40Caleb Hearon:Right. But I felt you there. I was whispering in. I was over your shoulder like Kronk. Yeah, in some ways. Yeah. Yeah, I had no set crushes on that movie. So it was a really fun time for me to just let loose and be myself. Sure. If I had a set crush, I'd have to behave completely differently. Yeah, but I feel like that would also work really well with the set crush, no? Being myself? Yeah. Well, it just depends. You know, there's something about letting loose on a night where you have zero intention of getting laid. Right. Do you know what I mean? where it's just like, I'm always myself. But when I'm out on a night where I have zero intention of getting laid, I'm like, yeah, I can sweat quite a bit during I Write Sins, Not Tragedies.

44:19Caleb Hearon:Yeah, of course. I can afford to flop around the stage. That's sort of me always. So I guess that's why I'm doing Iris and et cetera. See, when I think I'm getting laid, I'm acting different. When I think I'm getting laid, I'm kind of in the corner like... Type shit. I'm just like type shit. I'm being like a little cuter with it, you know? Yeah, you're nonchalant with it. Yeah, you have to be a little nonchalant on the night you think you're getting laid. You're in a relationship. This stuff doesn't even occur to you anymore. It doesn't apply. Yeah. Can I see your nonchalant look? Nonchalant look?

44:49Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Give me a context. You're at the bar. Set crush just walked in. You're posted up. A few people around you, like, trying to start a conversation with you. Okay. I'm just going to do my nonchalant look. Like, I'm just going to go because I know my crush when you're watching. Yeah, I'm the one walking in. Okay, okay, okay. Oh, hey, guys. Hey, hey, good to see you. You know where Caleb is?

45:14I just get a really dirty look

45:17Caleb Hearon:It would work sometimes It just depends on who he is I will say Or she The message I was receiving Was fear Yeah Oh you thought I was scared Yeah Interesting Everything's kind of Falling into place now It looked like Oh fuck He's here Yeah Yeah Do you know It depends on how much The crush has developed Sure. Because when you know the really nice, oh, God. I love a crush. When you know someone's into it, when you know you're both into it, and you get to be so brazen. Sure. Do you know? Like when you have an unspoken crush, but the vibe has been so clear that you're both crushing, and you can just be like, hey, don't flirt with me tonight.

45:54I've got other stuff going on. I mean, that's amazing. You know what I mean? Yeah. That shit's fun. That was a crazy line. That shit's, oh, that works. Yeah. You don't have to worry about this stuff. You're married. but you know some of us are still out here i have no doubt that that works it's a lot of fun telling people they're not allowed to flirt with you i like to tell guys they're not allowed to fall in love with me on a first date i literally on a i literally on the first date two weeks ago said we were like having a good time and like you know joking around and i go hey i can i can just already feel you're kind of starting to catch feelings and i'm no good i feel like that only

46:27Caleb Hearon:works because you're saying it like i feel like that's a line that i've had to say in a self-tape about 75 times and it's not sounding quite the same. You gotta say it ironically. You gotta say it like you're in the self tape. Sure. Also, just to be 100 % clear, you and I have different circumstances. I have to have an arsenal of little lines. You have a sort of a beautiful wife. Your situation is already handled. I'm out here. You're not wrong. I'm like a traveling salesman. I'm going town to town ringing a bell. Does anybody want me? it's really tough. It's really, really tough. I mean, that would, I feel like that would work if you did that in a literal way.

47:08Ring a bell? Yeah. And say, who wants me? Yeah. Yeah, it would attract, I know who it would attract. Right. It would attract all the, like, yeah, there's a crew of, there's a crew of types of guys that are into me that,

47:19Caleb Hearon:would respond to the bell. Yeah, they would respond to anything. I mean, it's really, you know, it's always, it's always, the interesting thing about attraction is it's always, you always want someone and someone always wants you and it's rare that all those things are aligned. Do you know what I mean? There are a lot of 60-year-old gay men in southern Missouri that don't fucking play about me on Grindr. There are a lot of 60-year-old gay men in southern Missouri that would drop everything for me. Unfortunately, I see them as more grandfather figures. And so that's my cross to bear. I was into old guys.

47:51It would be beautiful. I would have owned a home when I was like 20. In that other universe that you're not in. Yeah, not into old guys. Just into guys my age-ish. And not into women, which would also be beautiful. God, being into women, I think of it all the time. How lovely it would be.

48:06Caleb Hearon:Sure. Yeah. Well, you're going back home soon. Do you think you'll run into some of these grandfathers? Or do you have a strategy to avoid? No, no. They'll hit me up. Yeah. They'll hit me up. You know, there was one guy. I don't know if I told this on the podcast or not before yet. Stop me if I have. There was a guy in my neighborhood who messaged me every single day on Grindr for three weeks. Did I say this on here? I don't think you said it on the podcast. He said, hello, hello, every day, hello. Just hello? Every day, hello, for three weeks. Like he's answering the phone. Three weeks straight.

48:34Three weeks straight. Hello? Hello? Okay. Then something crazy happened. On like the 26th day, hola.

48:48He said, I'm going to switch it up. And I, and then he never messaged me again. And I think, I think every single day about what happened. He said, I got one more tactic. I think my, I've thought about many different ideas of what he thinks happened, but my favorite is that he woke up on the 26th day and he was like, he's Mexican. Like he was like, Oh, that's why it's not breaking through. This guy's Mexican. I just love thinking that that's what happened.

49:19Caleb Hearon:I wish, I wish you like let it work. And you were like, do you know? Oh, I mean, really shout out. Get out. Que tal in many, many ways? Que tal, senor? You know, I can't, but I did message with an older guy who lived in my building for a little bit because we saw each other in the building all the time and ignoring him felt so mean. Right. But I knew he wanted to sleep with me and I just wanted to know about his life. And then the more I tried to get to know him, the more it was like the sexual overtures continued. So I had to end that friendship. But I do want to be friends with older gay men so bad.

49:56Caleb Hearon:Is Spanish coming up more often? Because I'm noticing that the Spanish is in 75 Caleb. Spanish. So part of 75 Caleb, as everyone knows, is that I do my Spanish lesson every day. And it's embarrassing to talk about with Jack because he's fluent. And, yeah, I want to know Spanish. It's not part of my love life necessarily, but I would love for it to be. Ooh. You know? That was a bar. I find a Spanish. That was beautiful. That was beautiful poetry. Are you reading poetry? What? Are you ever reading poetry? Not often. It's hard to do, but I found some. When I was in Portugal, I found this poet, a Portuguese poet.

50:33Okay. And I started reading his stuff. It was really fun. I was like, I like poetry. That sounds incredible. It was great. I think I don't know where to look. I didn't either. I had to go to this bookstore, and I had to tell a woman, give me a book. Wow. And she picked this for me. And that's poetry. That is poetry. That is. I consider myself a bit of a poet. A million percent.

50:51Caleb Hearon:Yeah? I thought of you as a poet forever. You ever writing earnest notes in your phone? All the time. Yeah? All the time. Poetry song lyrics? Be honest. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Would you ever show me any? Yeah. You would? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Jack. I would never show you mine. I would be so scared to show you mine. Why? What would I say? My earnestness is a secret. No, it's not. What?

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55:02What else is going on, brother? What is so true to you right now?

55:05Caleb Hearon:I know we already discussed it, so we're sort of revisiting it, but my so true really is if you're a good singer, you shouldn't be doing karaoke. Wow. I really believe that. Wow. You're not allowed to do it at all? You can do it. You have to dumb it down for everyone else. Yeah. You have to come down to our level. Yeah. Intentionally sing a little bit badly. I know you know how to do it. Yeah. Don't give us the full voice. You know, go out of your range. Be a little bad for us. Yeah. Scream a little bit. Lose your voice. You can't be seeming like you're about to get an agent at the karaoke bar.

55:37Caleb Hearon:It's just upsetting. Can I say I almost disagree? Sure. Not because I want to agree so badly, but then I think of the people I know who need that so badly. Right. It's all they have. It's like going and killing at karaoke is all they have. And then I go, damn, maybe we just let them have it. Yeah. Kind of like when you give a dog a cheeseburger the day you're going to kill it. Do you know what I'm saying? Like when your dogs... Obviously that was more fucked up than I realized. It's like on the day that your dog gets euthanized, you let him have McDonald's. Or a different fast food cheeseburger.

56:16It's kind of like that with people... It's like if you're a professional singer, yeah. It's exactly like that. But if you're a civilian and this is all you got, let them body a musical theater tune. if they're never going to step foot on Broadway I agree I think it could just be beautiful you swayed me no no I want your so true to stand I do think I will say there are some famous musicians I know that go do karaoke full out and I go come on man you have literal shows for this where this happens

56:45Caleb Hearon:don't do this and I feel like the beauty of it I feel like most people have my experience which is I'm a bad singer and then I try my best to sing well at karaoke and that is the exact sound you're wanting Yeah. Someone who can't do it, trying their best to do it. Are you a bad singer or are you being a little humble? I think I'm a bad singer. Yeah? Earnestly. Yeah? But you saw me sing in pizza movies, so it's actually up to you. That was bad. I'm fishing for this.

57:10I didn't like that. Yeah, it was terrible. I didn't like filming that scene, actually, because it took forever. I was like, Jack's doing such a good job, but I wish it was over. It was really long, that singing scene, because in the movie, it's like they get animations and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the filming of it, we're just like...

57:27Caleb Hearon:Yeah, you guys all had to sit there while I sang the same few lines over and over. Really listening to it. No, it was beautiful. It was beautiful in that it was so... Not sounding. Right. But it was beautiful in that you did it so perfectly for the character. The earnestness. Yeah. If you will. But that's not your best singing. I don't know. I think it was the first time in my life I've sang in front of people, which is crazy. Really? Yeah. I didn't think it was comically bad, Jack. Hey. So I got to tell you, you might be wrong about your singing abilities. Maybe. I mean, I guess now we need to go to karaoke.

57:57Caleb Hearon:Yeah. And I need you to do your best. I have been begging you to go to karaoke with me for a really long time. You have never asked me once. That's actually not the truth, Ellen.

58:08Caleb Hearon:When did you ask me to go to karaoke? Listen, if I have to pull up the text, I'll pull up the texts. I've been dying for karaoke with my boy. I'm tempted to let you. You've asked me to go to a lot of Creed concerts. Yeah, that's true. That's come up a lot. But I learned last night that I really didn't understand anything about Creed. So I want to tell you guys, last night, Jack and I are walking through Chinatown, and I don't know how it comes up. Jack's sort of always bringing up Creed. But it comes up, and I don't know, you said something about, like, it came up that basically I was like, oh, yeah, Creed's a Christian band.

58:45And Jack was like, no, they're not. and I was like Jack they're one of the most Christian bands that has ever done music I was floored and then Jack just walking through Chinatown was like I can take you higher like putting together all of the Christian Creed lyrics it was really funny

59:05Caleb Hearon:Zach Galifianakis GIF just putting together the numbers to a place where blind men see really funny my genuine entire exposure to Creed was when it was like a meme on TikTok and they were just playing like a few words of that one song and I was like, oh, that's funny. Was that your first exposure? Oh, see, I grew up white trash. Bah. I grew up white trash in Missouri, so I actually kind of was dyed in the wool. I'm not going to pretend I'm above this when I say my first concert was Daughtry. I fucking love Daughtry. Awesome. I, to this day, love Daughtry. Yeah, well, I really, really badly wanted him to win American Idol.

59:42Yeah.

59:42Caleb Hearon:And I had the American Idol GameCube game where you sing along. Yeah. And I would pretend to be Daughtry, and I would try to win on his heavy divorced dad rock music. Yeah. Who won the year that he didn't win? I don't remember. I think I blocked it out. It was really upsetting. Yeah. Trauma for you. Yeah, genuinely. I love Daughtry. I love, and also people love to clown on white guys making music like that. It's a lot better that we have them doing that. It's a lot better that we have them doing that. That's what we need to have them doing. I'm including myself. Every one of those kind of white guys should be in the studio screaming into the mic.

1:00:15Yep. Don't let them out in public doing their other stuff. Yeah, it's an outlet. It's an outlet. It's like a rage room for their voice. Yes, let them have it and let us listen. I like listening. I like Puddle of Mud. I like all that stuff. Chance, who won the year Chris Daughtry lost? Taylor Hicks.

1:00:28Caleb Hearon:Unreal. Don't say that. Don't say that name around me.

1:00:34Just fucking cut that.

1:00:36Caleb Hearon:Yeah, I can't have that out there. Damn, I love knowing this about you. Where'd you see Daughtry live? So, it was in Maryland at the Merriweather Post Pavilion, if you will. I don't know it. And I apologize. And he was opening for Nickelback. That sounds awesome. And as soon as Nickelback came on, we went home. What? Yeah, we were there for Daughtry, and I really wanted to see Daughtry. And then he got off the stage, and I was like, okay. I think that's that bad enough. Jack! It's time to call it a night. You didn't stay for Nickelback? Well, I was also like 10, and I was like getting pretty scared.

1:01:16What was scaring you? Just the noise?

1:01:18Caleb Hearon:Yeah, it was getting dark and there was a lot of people.

1:01:25It was getting dark. I made my parents take me home.

1:01:29Caleb Hearon:Guys, I gotta get out of here. Your parents are secretly like, fucking kids. Fucking kids, we don't get to see Nickelback. That'll do picture, but whatever. Not your parents vibe at all. Can you imagine my parents being bent out of shape over a missing nickelback? Really funny. Damn. Maybe that's what you guys can do in Michigan. I would do anything with them. They're special to me. They're very special to me. I would do anything with them. They're so nice. It makes you wonder. Yeah. How did this happen? How you and Maddie turned out to be so toxic. Toxico. Yeah. Well, it was the internet that corrupted us.

1:02:11Yeah? Yeah. What was your relationship to the internet growing up? Were you really on there?

1:02:15Caleb Hearon:I watched your sketches on TikTok from an early age. People, you do forget. I was an original fan. I was a very early fan. They're very early.

1:02:32So, what you said to me just now. because what really hurts is you were a teenager when i started making content and so there's some viability to it i actually i'm comedy moves so quick and i i remember when i started kind of popping off in comedy i remember the look on i won't say their names because i don't want to make i don't want to make them sound they weren't being mean but there were a couple of comedians that i really looked up to that were young and like still starting out in their career but they had been making stuff for five six years and i was like a teenager watching their stuff and i remember the looks on their face when i told them like i used to watch you in high school like i love your stuff oh my god is that what i just did and they were like well kind of and they were like 27 and they were like uh thank you and this happened to me recently a former improv teacher of mine texted me and was like i go around my class and ask everyone like their biggest comedic influences every semester and like three of my students this year said you And I was like, I know you thought that was sweet.

1:03:33But to me, that was just like, you're rapping on the door of death, Caleb.

1:03:38Caleb Hearon:You're almost done. Well, I do say it sincerely because you really are the funniest person alive. Jack, come on. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Come on. I love you to death. Get out of here. But you know what did happen to me recently? Tell me now. This past weekend, I was at a wedding. And this guy I really don't know very well. I met him one other time. Pulls me aside and he says, hey, man, I meant to tell you. my sister really wanted me to say to you that she's been a fan of you since 2020 when you were funny. I was like, thanks. So I'm going to kill you. What? You pulled me aside to say that on behalf of a sister who wasn't there.

1:04:15That's my least favorite always. When some straight guy is like, dude, my girlfriend loves you. I'm like, well, either call her or leave me the fuck alone.

1:04:24Caleb Hearon:What are you doing? I also, I had another instance where I was out with a group of friends and they brought like a guy along who was just like kind of a nightmare objectively, never met him. And he pulls me over when I get in the room. He's like, dude, I love your videos, man. And I was like, oh, thank you. He's like, all right, chill. Not like that. Not like a fan or something. I was like, I said, thank you. I was just being polite. In 2020, when you were funny is crazy. It was really crazy. It's a brutal read. Yeah. it's also yeah i mean whatever whatever that's that but that's really fucking funny to say to somebody have you ever had an interaction like that oh plenty i but the thing is my most hurtful things are almost always from my actual fans right like i think i've said this on here before but i played like i think it was maybe after i played like the chicago theater a fan of mine saw me like the next day and maybe it was chicago maybe it was a different it was my last theater tour which was only for the story i will say completely sold out and she like stopped me at a coffee shop like the day after the show she was like I was at your show last night I just want to say like please please please hang in there like I really think you're going to make it she was being so earnest and I'm like I'm playing theaters I was just like what are you talking about I just got out of the theater I was like baby I think I did like I don't know what your version of making it is but I'm like I feel really good but it's that's so crazy and the thing is she was a sweetheart she meant it she was legitimately like you fucking do it brother yeah i mean that's brutal that's my fans are always humbling me in that way which is good and for the best but it's always it's never really hate comments but i feel like you are a very humble guy well you know and it's there's a reason it's because these are my fans how could i not be with fans like these who needs enemies they're making sure yeah i yeah but all the time stuff like that are people i feel bad too because i think people don't know how to behave when they meet someone that they know from their phone.

1:06:23And so, yeah, it's stuff like that. They'll say something, and I'm sure, maybe not him, but I'm sure oftentimes people who say things like that feel kind of badly. They go, fuck, I messed that up. Yeah, I mean, when you were funny in 2020 is wild. When you were funny in 2020 is actually merch. You should legitimately tell your team right now, get on the phones. We need merch that says, I was a fan of Jack Martin's when he was funny in 2020. I'll wear it immediately.

1:06:52Caleb Hearon:that is so fucking funny yeah that does feel like something that a controversial celebrity would wear in like 2015 really cool and that we would bring back now maybe i got industry plant allegations recently really oh my god how do you feel about that i'm just over the that's the highest compliment there is i'm over the moon about it i can't stop i'm just like giddy sometimes when i think about it i kick my feet who who planted you you think i don't know but I just love the idea. It would be so much better for me if I was an industry plant. My actual story is so much more humiliating. I like, I posted on this, about this on Subsec, but I'm like, it's actually way worse.

1:07:28I took improv seriously. It would be so much cooler to be planted. But I love that. I was like, wow, industry plant allegations really feels like that's the good stuff.

1:07:38Caleb Hearon:Yeah. I think, I think it's an awesome, like alter your ego to develop. It means the world to me. And I hope that people will continue to propagate that. I'm like I'm picturing the guy who's like one of those characters in the biopic that turns out to be like the super evil guy that's like actually trying to ruin your career. Yeah. He's just like planning out the So True podcast and special and everything pizza movie. Pizza movie's in there. Yeah. Yeah part of the plan. Pizza movie's part of the plan. Build me up to break me down. Build me up to get me high off pizza movie and then bring me back down to earth.

1:08:08Yeah yeah yeah right back down. Yeah where I got to play the only 31 year old in the movie. Can't stress that enough. I do, every time I talk to Nick and Brian since then, I bring it up.

1:08:19Caleb Hearon:I mean, it's the funniest thing ever. It's objectively one of the funniest things that's ever happened to me. Just the character needing to be introduced as, so you understand, I took a never before invented gap decade. First words he says. It's so paramount to his being here that we can't see him for an instant without him having mentioned it. It would completely take you out of this movie where people time travel and go into other dimensions. Yeah. there's a what is it 17 minute segment of the film where their heads explode because they say curse words I couldn't be 27 there's a fully senshi and robot that goes into space best part of the movie by the way oh my god icon best part of the movie Snackatron need come on need felt attracted to 100 % Snackatron my type my type there's your kink for the sequel delivery robots to be into Snackatron yeah yeah being into robots I do think there's something very special about that do you ever watch Lars and the Real Girl?

1:09:13Caleb Hearon:No. Great film. You actually should watch Lars and the Real Girl. Okay. Actually, all jokes aside, I know we kid around a lot on here. You should watch Lars and the Real Girl. It's kind of beautiful. Okay. It's Ryan Gosling. Yeah. And basically the whole town endures his delusions until he gets over it. It's fucking awesome. It's completely fucking awesome. It's a great Ryan Gosling role, one of his best. That's what the girl who said, I hope you make it to you, thought was happening. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, we just got to keep making him believe he's somebody. Until he comes out of it.

1:09:48Caleb Hearon:Until he comes out of it. I just don't understand how that happens because if she's a fan of you, she sees like you're like in Devil Wears Prada at the premiere. Like you're crushing it objectively. I mean, in her defense, this was a year ago. So none of that had happened. Maybe she really. Look, I love it. I think the two, the coolest things that can happen to you, if you're me, are industry plant allegations and Olympic allegations. I think those are the chicest things that can happen to me. and I'm just loving I'm just loving that What about Secret Nepo Baby? Secret Nepo Baby, no, that erases a lot of really bad stuff I went through Yeah, that's fair Being poor is the worst thing that ever happened to me and I want people to know that it happens Yeah, I'm not interested in erasing that But I think Secret Nepo Baby I kind of like Nepo Babies I think they're a lot of fun I really do I think it's chic I met a Nepo baby once who was writing a script about how everyone was hunting down and trying to kill Nepo babies yeah and the point of the movie was that you feel really bad for them I like that and he was going around just pitching it to everyone that would listen that's the cool thing about Nepo babies is they're legitimately most of them fucking insane and I also love that most of us are so jealous punishing and petty that we've stretched Nepo baby to be like the most the widest broadest definition you can imagine right I remember they were really trying to come after Allison Williams.

1:11:09I was like, I don't know. Her dad has a ton of pull, just to be honest. I don't think he was involved in the casting of HBO Girls. I just love how it's such a broad, because we're such an envious, mean-spirited, kind of nasty society. Sure. We will extend any insult we can to anybody that will fit it. Yeah. And Nepo Baby is getting really funny. Yeah. It's getting really funny.

1:11:31Caleb Hearon:My character in the show is a Nepo Baby. Really? Hey. Crazy tie-in. Yeah. You never told me that. Yeah, his dad's a billionaire who owns a media company, and he can't get a job at the company until he name drops his dad, and that's how his arc starts in the show. So is part of it that he tried to do it without the dad? Yeah, yeah. That's kind of sweet. He goes into his interview. He's, like, very excited. He's very earnest. He gets brutally rejected in the room, sees the guy who's the boss in the hallway, and shakes his hand and name drops his dad's name and gets a job. Isn't that cool? Yeah. I wish I had that kind of situation.

1:12:07I mean would be incredible I'm not above it at all I would love more power to him yes yes go get that job at the company brother go get it no worries yeah when's the show come out

1:12:18Caleb Hearon:June 2nd June 2nd hell yeah are you excited I am really excited it was really really fun I mean shooting here was insane that was so cool I feel like nothing shoots here anymore I know so that was a gift that's cool as fuck and we're all friends which is amazing I'm literally running a campaign to get you in the show. Hey, tell him to give me a call. Not one phone call came through during season one. And I don't stand by that at all. Mindy, you're asleep at the wheel. Just kidding. Just kidding, girl. Love you. That's so fun, dude. I'm so excited for you. Thank you. You deserve the world. I'm excited for you, King.

1:12:52Caleb Hearon:Are you kidding? You're so amazing in Delors. Jack Martin, how dare you try to slick turn that back on me? That's a disgusting habit. That was a sickening, sickening move that you did. don't do that i'm very excited for you i can't wait to see the show uh is there even one person you worked with on it that you didn't like no genuinely do you imagine i really love them all i wrote every single person a card every person who worked on it yeah how many was it a lot it was an insane amount i didn't even get some to some people because i missed them and i couldn't find them so i just have these cards in my bag i gotta say i did that after trash mountain yeah I wrote 137 thank you cards.

1:13:34Okay, well, you got me beaten that. No, no, no, no. Let me tell you something. It won't be happening again. I found the limits of my gratitude, and I passed them.

1:13:43Caleb Hearon:From now on, everyone will be getting a very sincere handshake. It is funny when you see those sayings, like inspirational quotes on Instagram, that are like, there's no limits to gratitude. The more gratitude you have, the more gratitude you get. And then, you know, that happens. You're like, actually, that's not true at all. It went in waves. It was like the 25th thank you card. I was like, Caleb, you're one of the best guys. You know, I was really building myself up. I was like, this is, you know. That is how it feels. It was like, you know, you're just different, man. You're just one of these guys that, like, you don't think about this stuff the way that other people do.

1:14:10You're in your gratitude bag in a way that's unbelievable. At about card 70, I was like, you don't have to be this good. And legitimately, when I hit 100, I'm reading fucking quotes about, like, yeah, suicidal empathy.

1:14:27I'm like looking for a cross to nail myself to I'm like you do not have to crawl through the desert you do not have to be good yeah so that's exactly how I felt it's fucked up I won't be doing it again everyone on Trash Mountain I hope you enjoyed your thank you cards didn't hear back from most of the people that I wrote to which makes complete sense no one gets it more than I do and yeah in future projects it'll just be thank you guys I won't be writing cards anymore can't do it to happen. Can't do it. I mean, I guess the movie about my dead dad was the time to do it, but not again. I am very excited for that movie.

1:14:58Thanks, dude. I'm excited, too. Okay, June 2nd. Show comes out. June 3rd. Your life changes forever. June 4th, you switch up on everybody.

1:15:05Caleb Hearon:I have a list of my day ones that I'm never going to speak to again. June 5th, you switch up on people that you haven't even met yet. June 6th, my mom's birthday. And I know it. So you give her a call. And that's in the calendar. 75 Jack. 75 jack is where you switch up on everyone but my mom

1:15:27It's gonna do wonders for me I can't wait for your switch up dude I've been waiting on it And I felt like you deserved it a while ago to be honest Thank you I was ready for you to switch up after La Brea Yeah You didn't really do it Right And now I'm ready for the switch up Yeah now it's time I wanna see you go off on people How would you like me to switch up on you? You can switch up on me however you want It won't faze me I'll bring you back I'll get you back Yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna let you go for what you know someone said i can't remember who but um someone a couple years ago said that when your friend gets really famous you should give them three years to be a psycho and if they come back you accept them and if they don't they're gone forever right i'm gonna give you your three years thank you just a june 3rd yep 2026 to june 3rd 2029 on june 4th 2029 i want you back the switch up is over switch up is over we're switching up up we're switching back to the way things were before we're switching down we're switching down we're switching down we're switching down and i want you to come back to me.

1:16:16I want you to be the old Jack. But I want you to have those three years. I want you to go to all those nauseating parties we get invited to. I want you to wear weird shit. I want you to be in couture that does not look good or make sense.

1:16:25Caleb Hearon:Develop a British accent somehow. I want that. I want you to develop a voice for a character that you can't get out of. I want that. The beard's the beginning. I want you to be really strange in public. And during this, by the way, during this three years, I'll be on my bad boy era. I'm going to be fucking mean to Jimmy Fallon. These are very complimentary, by the way. On his show. Do I? These are very complimentary. Yeah, you're being like an obnoxious prick. I'm being like a druggie, you know? It's fine. They're like, what happened on the set of pizza movies? Yeah, whoa. You know? And the point to that is where it all started.

1:16:55And there's like an E! True Hollywood story about both of us. Yeah.

1:16:58Caleb Hearon:And our mutual tailspins. Yeah, there'll be a photo of you as the Grinch in a diaper in black and white with like the flashing effect coming on the screen. Yeah. Yeah, I want that. The Ken Burns pullout on the Grinch. Yeah, with the balloons. I see all of this for us. It's going to be so good. I'm very excited for the show. I can't wait to stream it. Thank you, King. I would watch it in real life if they would let me. What the heck? If they were putting it in theaters, I'd be there. I mean... Should we put TV shows in theaters? Is anyone doing that? I would love it. That'd be cool as fuck. We need to open a theater that only plays TV shows.

1:17:26Caleb Hearon:Oh my God, imagine a Sopranos marathon in a theater. Ooh, I'm going to cry. Because actually, that's not fucking funny to me. One of our fattest of all time TV shows. Some of the fattest people you've ever seen. And it's perfect. Some of the fattest people you've ever seen. and they had, I mean, they did beat the gay guy to death with a pipe, but he was gay for a while before that. He was gay for a while before that and fat. God. And they all had cool as fuck names. Extremely cool names. We should reboot Sopranos. Yeah. You and me? Yeah. You be Tony. I'll be Pauly. Yeah. I think we could do that.

1:18:04Who would be Carmella? I guess Lily. Yeah. So Lily's Carmella. and then oh god Christopher Timothee Chalamet yeah he'd do good at that yeah he'd do good as Christopher in our Supremes reboot okay wait hold on hold on hold on that's Christopher and then who else do we need in there? well I'm worried about AJ AJ? oh uh Caten yeah it's obviously oh he'd be so good And Meadow, I think we go interesting. I think we go way older.

1:18:43Caleb Hearon:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we just make a different choice and go, she's a way older sister. Yeah. I think we go like Laurie Metcalf. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Laurie Metcalf has Meadow in our Sopranos reboot would legitimately, sorry, people would tune in. It would change lives. It would change fucking lives. I want to be Pauly, but I want to be less pathetic. If that's okay. I know that's his whole deal, but. You could be Pauly and just a completely different guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm never going to say. Instead of saying Do you hear that T? I'm gonna say like I'm gonna say like I don't care if you heard that T I'm gonna say stuff like that I'm actually securing myself T I actually like my joke T Yeah Stuff like that T I've been reading a lot of books And I'm really not worried about your opinion Yeah And you'll be Tony Yeah And we'll kill people together And I'll be eating cold cuts I'm keeping that Oh yeah That was cool when he would do that shit So sick He was doing some of the coolest fat guy shit ever Just right out of the fridge with the hands Taking down like a billion cold cuts In his boxers I am gonna be honest When I saw that show I started doing that Oh, yeah.

1:19:36Caleb Hearon:I bought a bunch of cold cuts. I bought, like, all the ones he mentions in the show, and I put them in the fridge, and I would get up, and I go downstairs and meet the other fridge. You're one of the coolest guys I know. You're one of my best friends in the whole world. I really would die for you. Because the thing is, I know you're not kidding.

1:19:55I know you did, brother, and I fucking love that. Hell, yeah. That's the coolest shit I've ever heard. Hey, what can I say?

1:20:01Caleb Hearon:You want to play a game? Yes. Okay. Stay put Don't go anywhere Can you tell me Before we play the game Am I supposed to take This game seriously Or am I supposed to Play it ironically Because the first time I was on the show I played it ironically And then halfway through I realized I was Supposed to take it seriously You can play it However you want buddy Okay It's your life I'm just living in it Life changing answer What I can tell you is Most people really really try Okay And most people don't Succeed Okay I'm going to read you 15 statements Jack Got it You're going to tell me As quickly as you can If what I just said Is true or false You get 10 or more correct We're going to give you 50 us dollars i know i know okay some protein shakes you ready yeah okay jupiter has 115 moons true true japan's headquarter or sorry well no no no it's okay tokyo's headquarters in japan true this is true policy's real first name is ashley whose policy true it's true lead is denser than gold.

1:20:58True. It's false. Damn it. McLean, Virginia currently has a population of 50 ,773. McLean, Virginia? McLean, Virginia. Where I'm from? Yeah. Has a population of what? 50 ,773. False. True. Fuck. Russell Crowe has been to all seven continents. True. That is false. No way! I'm horrible at this. There are six types of taste buds on a human tongue. True. False. No. Five? That was like... No. Ostriches have the largest eyes of any land animal. True. That is true. Yes. The chemical symbol for potassium is P. False. True. False. K. Fuck.

1:21:40Georgetown's mascot is John the Bulldog. Jack the Bulldog. False. Yeah, false. It's Jack the Bulldog. Potatoes originated in South America. True. That is true. Dexter's Laboratory is older than Jimmy Neutron.

1:21:51Caleb Hearon:True. True. Tetagon has 10 sides. False. False. It's a decagon. Vampire bats are real animals. True. True. Let's go. Only seven Hall of Famers have played for the Baltimore Ravens. True.

1:22:09It's true. Yeah. I'm going to hold on this one. Ten.

1:22:14Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Wow. You won. No reaction at all. Wait, I won. You won. Oh, my God. Jack's reaction to winning. I forgot what the number was. Was it ten? Ten or more. Unreal. Oh, my God. By the skin of your teeth, brother. If you had gotten me with that psychological trick at the end, I would have been cooked. I get a lot of people with my eyes. You do. I get a lot of people with my eyes. I also give a lot away by reading the question wrong. What, Chance? Can I just editorialize here? You said Tokyo's headquarters is in Japan. It's Toyota's headquarters is in Japan. Well, it felt true to me. So he got it anyway.

1:22:52And, yeah, I'm not really always good at reading the questions. And you know what?

1:22:54Caleb Hearon:I'll go as far to say Tokyo's headquarters is in Japan. Hello. Tell me Tokyo's not headquartered in Japan. You can't, bitch. Come on. Chance, don't ever chime in. Chance. Don't ever chime in like that again. Chance. God, you see, it's impossible to find good help these days. It's unbelievable. And I've known this guy since we were kids. He's so out of line. He's completely out of line. He needs to be hit, but you're not allowed to anymore due to woke. You can't strike your staff anymore due to woke and other social ills. It sucks. Oh, my God. I miss the day when you used to be able to just, member of your staff, just get one of these.

1:23:27Caleb Hearon:I miss when Chance wasn't woke. I know. You actually, you actually haven't been on Chance's woke journey like I have. Chance has been woke, unwoke. He's been up, he's been down. This is a real sick individual. Yeah, yeah. Chance was more woke than me at a certain point. Really? Yeah. Certainly not the truth anymore. I know. He outflanked me from the left at one point. Do you actually know what Chance said before this recording today? Tell me. He said, I'll admit it. Something I do when I think someone's lying about a GoFundMe is I check to see how little money they made. And I get happy and I go, told you so.

1:24:05That's the kind of guy he is.

1:24:07Caleb Hearon:Yeah, that's despicable. I got chills. I got full-body chills. You hire a hillbilly heterosexual from Missouri like this and you get what you pay for. He was saying some stuff to me about you that I can't repeat. About me? Yeah. Oh, I don't. If I respected his opinion at all, it would probably hurt. No, Chance is a good boy. He's a good egg. Love you, Chance. He's a good egg. Chance, we love you. And I love both of you. Hey, don't. Just, we're on the mics. Yeah, sorry. Won't happen again. No, Jack, that wasn't a note for you. It was a note for Chance, and he'll receive punishment later. I have a bucket of ice water I pour on him when he misbehaves.

1:24:48No, no, no. Jack, is there anything you want to tell people where they can find you, etc.?

1:24:52Caleb Hearon:Not suitable for work June 2nd Hulu and Disney Plus That was good That was good And on Instagram Real Jack Martin Real Jack Martin on Instagram Yeah Are you still on TikTok? Yeah That's just Jack Martin Real Jack Martin started as a joke And then it was too late And now you're a public figure So Yeah now I just look like a We're completely fucked Yeah No don't worry I started Caleb Says Things As like a blog When I was like 18 And then everything just happened too quickly And there was no way out Right And now I'm Caleb Says Things. Disgusting and humiliating. I have had friends of mine in real life be like, oh, you know Caleb Says Things?

1:25:29Yeah, that makes me fucking sick.

1:25:30Caleb Hearon:Yeah, that makes me completely ill. On Instagram, by the way, which is a photo sharing app. Right, right, right. Rarely a word is spoken. Yeah, so I'm a fucking rube. And I've paid a massive price. I love you, dude. Thanks for doing it. Well, yeah, that's what I want to say to you is I love you more than anything. I would die for you. You're the funniest person ever. I can't thank you enough for having me on. You're the greatest. It's too much. You're too kind to me. It's true. Jack Martin, everybody. Apple Pay is the simple, secure, and fast way to pay. That's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone.

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