Kumail Nanjiani Was a Cute Kid

27:11Yeah, it is. It is. I remember my roommate and I, we had a Burger King across the street, and they had this thing where for a dollar you could get two tacos. And we would get that and each have one taco. They had tacos for a moment. I was like, what? They had tacos for a moment. They tried. You know when Taco Bell was really like making moves, and people were like, oh, we should. taco bell had a heyday like the yokiro taco bell era no they were big yeah is that is that like are you too young for that era i don't remember that i remember the chihuahua yeah having a big cultural moment he would say yokiro taco bell okay i remember him i don't remember his phrase but i remember him yeah yeah yeah so during then they were like sort of the i would say they were the eminent the preeminent you know the biggest coolest fast food place yeah then subway had a moment and they really ran into a wall with the guy they picked.

28:00They picked the wrong guy. First of all, why that guy? He's a charisma black hole. Why was that the guy they picked? Just because he lost the way eating the sandwiches. I want to clarify that him being a charisma black hole is not the worst thing about him. There are other much worse things about him. No, being fat, etc.

28:24Listen, I've never been fat. Where's my medal? Wouldn't do it. Yeah. But I don't know why that's the guy they picked. I don't either. Such a blank wall. Yeah. Are you a brand ambassador for any brands? I know you've done some. Couple. What are they? Quest Protein Products. Really? Yeah, I'm a brand ambassador for Quest. I didn't know this. Yeah, I mean, I've done commercials for them. Yeah. And for DirecTV. They're really coming back. Well, now they've got Camille. I mean, things are moving in that direction. That's really their marketing slogan right now. We're really coming back. Yeah. Guys, we're coming back.

29:05So those are the two that I'm doing currently. For a long time, I didn't do any of that. And now I'm like, everybody's shameless. Everyone's doing it. The concept of selling. I mean, I've talked about it on this show. This show is a prime example of how selling out is back. It's kind of the impetus of this show is selling out. I'm here to read ads and make money. What are your ads? What are you doing? Oh, God. I mean, we are doing Squarespace, Olipop. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot that we've done in the past, like smaller ones, but we're trying to move into doing like bigger partnerships for longer times.

29:37I do have a rule that I don't, I won't endorse a product that I genuinely don't believe in. So like Quest, you know, I do. Yeah. I do. I've been eating their products for years. And DirecTV is a service I'm aware of.

29:56do you know what's funny though is we do the ad reads on this show in a very like silly way and sometimes brands will get upset and i'm like this is better people are only watching because of how i'm doing it yeah i know you want to be precious about the brand i get it but i'm telling you if you let me be silly more people will walk away from this remembering the name of your thing yeah then you know i'm saying yeah i think conan's very good at that like conan does all you know all his ad reads are very funny and he makes fun of the products and um i i think he's like you know he's doing great yeah he's okay conan yeah conan's doing okay yeah he's had like a fine career yeah you know i think of this conan to me is the platonic ideal of how like a straight old white man comedian ages yeah because so many of them fucking disappoint us you know over and over like all my comedy heroes have like fallen yeah and then conan is like truly growing and learning and getting better at what he does and deepening.

30:53So it's weird to say, to be proud of someone that is the reason I do stand-up, but I'm proud that he's one of my inspirations. He's one of your inspirations. I really think, and here's the real secret that I would tell a lot of old white guys. If he does have bad opinions, and I don't think he does, if he does, he's keeping it to himself, and that is always an option. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. You know what I love? I hate to bring this up again the Riyadh Comedy Festival it's gonna be it's gonna be my favorite story of the year and a friend of mine's having a New Year's Eve party where they're like you have to dress as like a cultural moment I'm definitely going as the Riyadh Comedy Festival because it had so many gifts to give I love how like rocked some people were by the reaction to that and just kept bringing it up and like defending themselves you just gotta shut up and move on That's the only way out of this I also love that some of them tried to donate the money And then the people they were donating it to were like We don't want it Hey man, we're good Keep it, keep it And some of them weren't even like We're going to donate all of it Some of them were like, we're going to donate They didn't say a number or percentage Some of it's getting donated Do you know the numbers?

32:09I know some of the numbers I don't know the numbers I know what people got paid Yeah, that's what I mean Oh yeah, yeah, yeah Fucking insane What's the biggest number you've heard? I heard 600 was the biggest one I heard, personally. Three million. You're kidding. For one set? Yeah, you start to think about your values. You think, who among us? We all have blood on our hands. Sometimes you can't name the exact guy whose blood it is. Like in the Riyadh Comedy Festival, you can. You could literally name the guy whose blood it is. I know the guy. But for three million, I'm able to forget. Three million, I mean...

32:47That's the biggest one I've heard. I think there's a couple people who got more than that. I know a friend of mine who turned down a million for it. Yeah. For one sec. And he turned it down, which I think was obviously. There's no number I could have done it for. Because for me, I'm getting shit from, first of all, it's just morally wrong. Also, I'm Pakistani. We all stand up and clap. Thank you. We all stand up and clap. Thank you, Kremel. Put that in later. Put that in. Like a hundred people clapping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. because first of all obviously i'm getting shit here as i should have gotten but also i'm pakistan and pakistan has a very specific relationship with saudi arabia so i'm getting shit there too yeah there's just no no amount of money i could have done it for i would not have done it for one billion dollars i would not have done it i believe you i would not have done it i believe you at the end of the day we i would like to actually there's so many people i've had this thought a lot lately i would like to just grab a lot of people very firmly by the shoulders and say you do know you're gonna die right because people seem to be forgetting this and i'm like at the end of the day you're gonna die and you're gonna have to like either take into the afterlife if that's a thing or leave behind like the idea of who you were and what you stood for yeah and at a certain level like whether or not you have a 17th home while you're here it's not worth it i genuinely think like now we're obviously in a world this is not a deep insight or anything in a world that is run by a very small handful of extremely rich people I genuinely think it is an undiagnosed mental illness to want money that's more than a certain amount.

34:19Like these people who are competing each other to have the most. I think there were two undiagnosed mental illnesses that I think genuinely could be in the DSM. One is these billionaires who want to make more money, which is crazy. For me, one billion is enough. Like I don't want any more than one billion dollars. Call me humble, but I'll settle for a billion. I don't know what I'd do with anything. 1.5? Oh, that's a waste. Yeah. I don't know what to do with that extra 500 million. But, and the other undiagnosed mental illness, I think, is, and Emily talks about this too, and Emily's, you know, she's a trained therapist.

34:56Child actors who got, like, really famous super young, and what that did to them, I think is also an undiagnosed mental illness. There's no name for it. 100%. But people who grew up in the public limelight like that, I think, got broken in kind of specific, similar ways. Yeah, it's child abuse. I mean, what those kids go through and the way that adults talk to them, the positions they put them in, the way that they treat them is insanely inappropriate. It's crazy. Yeah, the way we talk about Britney Spears has always been insane from the beginning. Psycho. She was like 16 when she showed up, right?

35:36And people have been talking about her weirdly that entire time. Yeah. Not you and me, though. I think my hands are clean.

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39:43Woo! And the super athletic-ish stuff, like fishing gear for chilling by the creek. Nice cast. fitness apparel to push for higher reps you got this and golf balls priced so you can afford to lose one or a few head to sierra or sierra.com for the brands you want at the prices that let you do it all from athletic to athletic sierra's got it have you gotten in trouble have you gotten in trouble for anything like if you had any like big trouble moments where you're like oh boy call the publicists were in trouble have i gotten in trouble for anything no i don't think so not like that i the biggest thing i had that i was like this is a moment is i mean i talk about it in the special was like you know i i got like buff for a role and there was like a really weird backlash to it yeah i would say and i do not i fault them i don't fault myself but that is the biggest like thing reaction that i've had to deal with yeah i think that's the biggest one beyond that i don't i don't think i've got any any of my opinions that i think might be like on the line i keep to myself yeah i genuinely don't think i have any like i try you know i try to be pretty reasonable about things yeah i'm in trouble every week what are you doing oh i'm in trouble every week i'm always in trouble for something on the show but part of the reason i'm in trouble every week is uh what's never my fault um i buy that i believe that no sometimes it is sometimes i just you know when you talk this much i it's an hour every single week and then additional of like actually doing shows and stuff yeah i stumble into some things that i'm like yeah i don't know if i necessarily believed that i was maybe bored but most of the problem is i have a large audience of two very sensitive groups one is gen z and one is tender queers and tender queers are tender queers I love them they pay my bills tender queers what is that tender queers are like a soft group of people living in a reality that is not mine they're just very like you should never say anything that could upset anybody it's just very like why would you say that that could hurt someone because it was funny because I'm kidding around Well, the other adjustment that has to happen that I've had to deal with and I'm sure you're dealing with is like soon as you as a comedian, your job is to present your opinions and present them in a way that is funny and possibly a little bit controversial.

42:19Like that's what kind of the job is. Then as you become known above a certain line, suddenly those things are viewed with a different lens. And now you've become like, like, I think you have this where people look to you as like some sort of aspirational figure. Like they sort of look to you. They really do, I think, as like someone who's like speaking for them or is like some sort of like modern day philosopher or something. But like people look to you to have certain opinions or lead the way about certain things. They really do. And that's a lot of pressure. They want us to. I've talked about this a lot, but they want us to be their voice about things.

42:57They want us to like they want us to be like, fuck Donald Trump and fuck ICE and all these things that I do. And you're pro both those things. And I love those guys. you know because the ISIS law enforcement they're doing their jobs um no kidding kidding I yeah I do I am outspoken and I do have big opinions and they want you to do that but then the second one of your big opinions brushes up against their special thing yes all of a sudden it's like well why would you say that it's like because you asked me to right you just have to like intention is important yeah I really think that and you know and what you can joke about and not joke about does change with the times and i think rightly so like for instance when i was started doing stand-up back in bleep this 2002 holy shit people i definitely bleep that

43:44i don't even want people to see that expression on your face put like a cop filter on it you know the show cops that was a show from the distant history um uh so it changed so like when i was doing you know people could do like ironically people could like do like anti-jewish jokes ironically and it was received that way and i'm saying it was right or wrong back then but i'm saying it was more acceptable to do that and see the irony of it right and now we're in an era where i don't think you can do that because nazis are legitimately back yeah so that changes right and also i think like you know people and i never obviously was on board for this like people would make a lot more rape jokes back then.

44:27And now we've understood, like, you know, even that stuff is harmful, like normalizing it in any way. But, and keeping up with what is appropriate now, which maybe was never appropriate, but now it's more in the conversation that it's not appropriate. I think it is part of our job to be aware of that. But also, I mean, you know, it's, like some of the stuff you've said that you've gotten in trouble for, I think it's like probably fair game. Yeah. But also I think, I don't, you know, there's this question sometimes like how is this joke gonna age or how will your comedy age and i'm like you can't really i don't care it doesn't yeah it's a moment in time because if you're making a certain type of joke in a moment where that's what's being discussed and then later on we decide as a culture maybe correctly maybe progressively that we shouldn't be talking like that about those things comedians are a part of like forming and you know testing the boundaries and seeing where we should go so i don't i'm not mad at comedians who were making jokes back then that i wouldn't make now i'm like they were helping inform where we were going and what we should be talking this happens a lot with younger people who watch movies from the 80s and 90s and they sort of get like offended by a lot of stuff in there you know and you're like it's just that's what was that's what was in the soup back then yeah everything we're making is like a reaction to or a comment on those times you can't guess how where things are gonna go yeah we we moved past it and we certainly don't have to talk about it if you don't want to but the thing about you getting getting really buff for a role and people getting upset about it yeah i wonder i mean as somebody whose body is just constantly commented on all the time no matter really is that right all the time no matter what's happening if i've lost a little bit of weight it's i'm hearing about it in the dms but yeah as i as somebody who constantly has their body commented on by seemingly everybody was that like difficult for you or were you just like i am right they're being weird no it was a fucking nightmare yeah it was as someone who grew up i had uh almost my entire life very very um i don't know how to put this a a tough relationship with my own appearance since i was a little kid part of the problem was when i was like a little kid when i was like five zero to six i was the most gorgeous kid you've ever seen like i was fucking beautiful that's towards the end of it that picture you're looking at he's adorable this guy i love this guy yeah yeah okay so that's like that's like cutie i was really really very cute and to the point where people on the street would make jokes about wanting to kidnap me sure like i'd go into a shop and they'd be like i'm gonna put you in my dungeon and it was life i was so gorgeous that life was like terrifying for me okay i remember i visited with my aunt to, I went to Bangkok.

47:14And for some reason, Thai people just really were picking up what I was putting down. They were fucking with you, yeah. As like a five-year-old, they were fucking with this. They were liking the energy, yeah. And then, so I went from like, just like a gorgeous, gorgeous boy to like a true demon. Like my head grew to this size. My body stayed the same size. The neck got super long. My nose grew before anything else. Um, uh, and so whatever it was from that point on, I just thought of myself as being very ugly. And it took me years and years to get to the point where I was like, okay, with how I looked, like how I looked was way too important to me.

47:54It's still, it still probably is, but it took years and years to get past that all through my twenties. And even through my thirties, it took a while for me to be okay. Like there were, there were times when I was like 10, 11, where I wouldn't go to a store because I thought they wouldn't sell me stuff because I was too ugly. It was really, really very intense. Yeah. And so also my 20s and 30s to like work through it and be like, I like the way I look. Also, it doesn't matter how I look, all that kind of stuff. And so then to then hit my 40s and suddenly have that come back in such a public and strong way really got at like, what to me genuinely was like deep, childhood trauma yeah um um and i could i don't want to go into details about what i think was behind that and the way it happened was so you know i i did this movie i released pictures of myself looking the way i looked then and it was really really like good like people really liked that then um covet had we were all in the house and then january 2021 so now this is a year after I released the original pictures and everybody was very excited.

49:07There was a picture of me sitting across from Emily at Christmas and I have like a gingerbread house next to me and I'm just sitting there and I'm not even, for some reason, people didn't like the way my jawline looked or something. People think I've gotten like work done. I have not ever gotten any work done. I got Botox in my jaw once because I grind my teeth at night and they were like, do you want us to do your forehead? And I was like, sure, go have at it. I'll never do it again. Hey, everyone relax. One time is nothing. Yeah, and it was a long time ago, and I hated it. I hated how I looked and how I felt.

49:41Yeah. So Emily and I, this is like the deep COVID. I'm full of fear because my wife is in a high-risk group. We get super high, and we're watching The Crow, which is one of my favorite movies as a kid. Great movie. Watching it again. Yeah, he was so cool. And a friend of mine texted me. He's like, hey, I'm sorry about what's happening online. Fuck. And I was like, I'm super high. I look. And it's literally thousands of people on Twitter making fun of my face, of how I look. So being high in that state and watching that school was like really genuinely very, very difficult. And it continued for a while.

50:20It continued for a couple of days. And I think that in the soup at that time was, you know, a year of staying inside, people being like 2020 sucks, 2020 sucks. And suddenly now it's 2021. Things haven't changed. We don't have a vaccine. People are still stuck. So I think people were just firing shit around. That was really, really horrible. And again, you know, people have bigger problems. I want to people. No, they don't. Yeah. This is the biggest thing. I mean, it was genuinely really, really awful. So that was very, very tough and really like working through it with my therapist a lot. And it's still something that kind of comes up.

50:56You know, if you look at if you if you look at comments on whenever I post anything, if you look at comments, someone will talk about like that i fucked up my face or something which obviously i haven't ever gotten any work done this is just how i look when i'm like a little skinnier um yeah really really hard really really really horrible were you when like that first when you guys are when you're high and your friend texted you did you see it and then put the phone away or did you really dive in i dove in yeah that's tough i dove in i swam in it and then eventually i emily was like do not be on your phone and i was like okay just tell me if it's still happening and the next day i woke up i was like is this still happening she's like yeah it's still happening all day i kept checking in is it still happening it's still happening i was it was like the number one trending thing it was like a thing for her and then the next day i woke up and i was like is it still happening she's like yeah it's still happening so it was like two days and then they moved on to the next target there was right around that time there was a dad i don't know if you remember this who was like shitty to his kid about beans or something do you remember what i'm talking about Very vaguely.

52:01It was like Bean Dad. Bean Dad! Yeah. I owe a debt of gratitude to fucking Bean Dad. Because he moved the conversation on. Everyone then was like, oh, Bean Dad now. And so Bean Dad got it and they moved off of me. The hordes moved off of me. Went after Bean Dad. Fucking zombies. They left my appearance alone and moved on to the behaviors of Bean Dad. Yes. Thank God. Thank God. I genuinely want to send him a check for like$300. and be like, thank you so much, man. You should. He probably needs it. Yeah, and I don't remember. Do you remember? Yeah, there it is. So he tweeted, so yesterday my daughter, nine, was hungry and I was doing a jigsaw puzzle.

52:41So I said over my shoulder, make some baked beans. She said, how? Like all kids do when they want you to do it. So I said, open a can and put it in pot. What I love, yeah. She brought me the can and said, open it, how? And then there was more from that. But yeah, bean dough. What I love is he had to get it in the night number of characters. So open the can and put it in pot instead of in a pot. Didn't have the right number of letters for it. I love that. He inadvertently talked the way I talk. Put it in pot. Open the can, put it in pot. Put it in pot. Yeah, so... At this point, she said, I don't want baked beans and marched off.

53:16Apocalypse Dad went into full the road mode. Sweetheart, neither of us will eat another bite today until we get into this can of beans. She screamed, ah, like Lucy Van Pelt. She read a book for a while. Whatever he goes on. Who fucking cares? Ultimately, you read this and you go, who cares? This is January 2nd. So this is like who Bean Dad, like Bean Dad. He was my meat shield, Green Dad. Green Dad was like, Bean Dad was like, you know what? I got you, buddy. He jumped in front of the bullets. Wouldn't it be awesome if we found out that he's like a huge Kumail fan and he literally did this on purpose?

53:48Oh, my God. He was like, I've had it. I've had it with the Kumail hate. My daughter's a dumb bitch. I think he looks fine. I thought I looked fine in that picture. I posted it because I was like, I look pretty good. Look how sharp my jawline looks. That's why I posted that one. I auditioned a bunch of pictures. I wasn't like, you know, not a monster. I looked at all the pictures. I thought this one looks nice. This one would be good. Yeah. Well, that's the thing about the internet that's so difficult is that whenever you post the thing that's going to get you in trouble, you didn't think anything.

54:18You're like, oh, this is, yeah, that's a thing I said or how I look. Yeah. And still now there's some, I don't watch SpongeBob. I was too old for it, but there's like one character who got like at some point must have gotten some work done or something. And he doesn't look like, who is it? You're referring to handsome, handsome, handsome, handsome, handsome, Squidward. Yes. You'll see handsome Squidward whenever I post anything. You'll see a couple of handsome Squidwards in the comments. Well, you know what? That's a guy whose name starts with handsome. Yeah. So that's actually pretty nice. I think they're using it ironically.

54:49I don't care. I think it's fucking sarcastic. You're my friend, and I'm going to start calling you Handsome Kumail. I'm taking it back. There. I got like, oh, God. I shrank from that because that picture I see anytime I post anything, that fucking picture. And then there's another one of a Handsome Squidward dancing or something. I see those two all the fucking goddamn time. I haven't seen that one, actually. I look at him and be like, yeah, that's a good-looking Squidward. He's a good-looking Squidward. My thing that I get annoyed by but not mad at is that anytime someone sees any fat person doing anything on the internet, and God help me if they have glasses, any fat person, they're like, the comments will be tagging me and be like, who let Caleb Heron out?

55:36I'm like, this is just a fat person. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. They don't have to be gay or white. If they are gay, white, and have glasses, we're both having a day. But any fat person doing anything, they're like, not the Caleb Heron drag. I'm like, what are you talking about? It's just, the faces are totally different. It is one fat person dancing. I hate it. I hate it. Yeah. I'm like, you don't have to tag me in every fat person. There's actually a lot of fat people. It's kind of like a problem. There's so many fat people. It's like, you don't need to tag me in every one of them. I hate it.

56:11Handsome Squidward. Okay. Yeah. I'm all shit. So that, to me, that's like the face of my oppressor is Handsome Squidward. Fuck handsome Squidward What did happen in that episode? I've never even looked it up I haven't even been able to Google that Why does he look like that? He gets a role in a movie and he gets really buff Could you imagine it's so specific? Oh my god No, I don't know what happens to him But you know, the important thing is When you're getting bullied, you're getting bullied with a guy Whose name starts with handsome And that's what I would cling on to That's how I would handle it I've gotten way better at it Just because now it's been four years, over four years of it, you sort of go, all right, this is what it is.

56:53It becomes normalized, you know. But I still get it all the time. Like yesterday, I was on Colbert, and I had a clip that was sort of going around, and it was all really nice. A lot of nice things. The only comment I remember is, he always looks tired. Well, let's tell you one other thing. Yeah, it's so mean. That's also mean because I am tired. Always. Yeah, man. You do a fucking press gauntlet. You do Colbert as the sixth thing that day. I did fucking GMA that morning at 6 a.m. And now I'm doing Colbert at night. That's a long day. I am tired. How would you hold up? Yeah, Colbert wouldn't even fucking book you.

57:37Yeah. You're like, I'm doing better with it. Colbert wouldn't book you. Colbert wouldn't spit on you. I need some water. I went to see my friend play Colbert once, and I had to sit in the audience, which being, I don't know if anyone listening has ever been an audience member at a late night show, they treat you like cattle. I don't mean to say this, but this is probably bad, but I can't imagine Guantanamo is much better than that. It can't be. I mean, it was horrific, my experience. They heard you in like... You're not allowed to go to the bathroom. No. They're mean to you. You're not allowed to be on your phone at all.

58:15Even when there's a break, I pulled my phone out at one point. They know that I'm there to see the artist. And I pull out my phone. I'm not taking a picture. I'm not 12. I'm checking my text. I'm special. I'm not like all these other people who came in from Idaho. 100%. Yeah, 100%. I 100 % feel that way. I'm good. I'm like, I can check my text in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. You don't understand. The rules actually do not apply to me. It's true. In this scenario, I do feel that way. I completely agree. I really do. I totally agree. If I go to a movie premiere, I should be able to pull out my phone.

58:44I'm not going to fucking post a clip from Avatar on Instagram. I'm like, no, because the rule is stupid for everybody, but I understand the general public will do things they shouldn't. They'll take videos, they'll post pictures. Here's the other thing that I do not do, but other people get in trouble for it. You know, other people get in trouble for it where like, I still see, and it is a bad look, but I understand where like, you know, at Delta, my flight got canceled and you fucking did this. Fuck, you know, all that. Celebrities do it. Yeah. People get upset at them. and I'm like, they just have the privilege of a major corporation treating you the way everyone should be treated.

59:21Yeah. Like everybody should be treated well by these massive corporations. They just have the privilege of being able to use their leverage to be able to get that kind of response, that kind of customer service from a major corporation. And that's what you're upset about. Do you know, though, that this is my number one rule for myself? I won't do it. I won't do it. I've never done it. I will not do it. Never done it. It's my chances seen me at my lowest when we're on tour or something and some airline has completely fucked us. A bad look. Or some hotel has completely fucked us. We booked the rooms.

59:49We double confirmed. Now they don't have our room. It's a bad look. All of it, I will never, ever. I've typed out the Instagram story before, deleted it, and shut my phone off. That is my only rule for myself. It's such a bad look. I just mean I understand why they are. Because you've had the foresight. Because when you're in that situation, it fucking sucks. It's horrible. It's horrible. And you're like, you have the reaction that anyone would have, which is, I paid for a service. You can't do this. Like, you can't, but they can. They do. And I have a recourse that if I posted, they would get in shape quickly.

1:00:23But I don't do it. Because I'm like, that's the one thing you can't do. You can't be the guy that's like, at Delta, I guess I'll have to take my business elsewhere. It's like, stop, stop, stop. Genuinely, Delta does not care. No. Well, none of them do. We used to have customer service in this country, Kumail. We used to have a country with customer service. We used to. I do want to say Delta is pretty good. I'm happy with Delta. I like Delta. I have the least problems with them, and that's the best I can say about any company at this point. I will pick Delta 100 % of the time if left to my own devices.

1:00:53Yeah. Well, I also don't have a choice. Delta could wrong me a million times because they are the only airport that has a lounge in Kansas City, which is like one of my biggest airports that I fly to. Oh. So I have to be a Delta boy. Yeah. I don't have a choice. I think Delta is pretty solid. It is. But overall, all these companies, they'll do whatever they want to you. I've had multiple airlines just like they undersell a flight, so they cancel it and put me on one three hours later. And I'm like, hey, that sounds like a you problem. Run that fucking flight. That's not on me. I've gone to a movie theater where I was the only guy who bought a ticket for this movie.

1:01:27And they're like, do you really want to watch it? And I'm like, actually, I do really want to watch it. I want to be alone in a movie theater watching this movie. That is one of the most glamorous things. I've had that happen a couple times where I'm the one guy in the theater. How exciting. It's incredible. It feels like the apocalypse and you're just there watching whatever. It feels like day after tomorrow where you're like, this is how I would live if everyone else went. Yeah, if everybody else went, I would go to movie theaters and watch all the movies I want to see in theaters. Yeah, for like five days and then I'd kill myself.

1:01:59How long would I go? I'm not trying to survive. 100 % not trying to survive. I think what I would do is eat as much as I possibly could. I'd probably track down some of the people who are posting the handsome Squidward memes and probably laugh at their dead bodies because they're dead, right? Of course, they're dead, yeah. Watch as many movies as I could and then four or five days later be like, pretty good run. Time to check out. Time to check out. I wouldn't hang around. If I'm in my house alone for more than seven hours, I start having a level of conversation with myself that you wouldn't believe.

1:02:33Out loud. When Emily's out of town, I am talking to my cat as if she's a human being. Well, should we get breakfast? I think so. It's truly like, it's psycho shit. I don't know if you have to do this, but this morning I was laughing at myself because I had to do it this morning. I have to talk to myself out loud in a crazy way to get anything done. What do you mean? You have to get like, Caleb, go do this? No, I have to get stern. Like this morning I was laying in bed. My alarm had gone off. Until you're setting an alarm. Well, today you set an alarm for this, I assume. Yes. Okay. Well, I set an alarm most days.

1:03:04What do you set it for? What time? My alarm, it depends on what I have for the day. Like if I have a super late night, I'll set it for like 9.30. Oh, really? So you're up by 9.30 even if it's a late night? These days, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, a couple of years ago I was sleeping until, if I had a day off, I'm sleeping until 11, 12. I don't do that anymore. I can't really do it anymore. Yeah. I can't adjust my sleep time. What were you saying? You were laying in bed today. I have to talk to myself crazy out loud to get anything done. I was laying in bed and I was like, I literally had to say out loud, Caleb, it's enough, man.

1:03:35Get in the shower. Like, I have to talk to myself that way. I have to be like, you want to get a shower before the breakfast gets here or else you'll be rushing to Camille. Get up. This is ridiculous. Let's go. Wait, the breakfast thing happened today? This morning. Oh, my God. What a day you're having. I brought that energy to you. Great breakfast. And you get to talk to me. I mean. That's a good day. It's a good day. We were supposed to have an 8 a.m. record today with Mateo Lane. What? yeah insane and he was down for it and i i had i had i had talked to virginia who does the scheduling and i was like hey maybe we find if there's any time on this day he wasn't available i i eventually like two days ago texted mateo personally because you know we go through the teams to be nice but i was like i was like mateo i can't what what else do you have brother yeah i cannot do 8 a.m is and i'm up at 6 30 8 a.m is absurd it's crazy because we have you and then we were we have another episode after you today so it was going to be three episodes starting at 8 a.m Too much.

1:04:28I was like, I'm not a coal miner. This is not, I can't work like this. So we rescheduled it, thank God. Yeah. So I got to have my breakfast. But I do have to talk to myself crazy. I mean, the number of like speeches like that that I have to give myself is really astronomical. Well, I think at least you understand what you have to do, you know. Yeah. Let me ask you this. Say it now. How's your self-talk? Self-talk, mostly positive. Mostly positive. Only in moments of like truly needing to get stuff done do I have to go a little negative and go like, this is crazy get it together but most the time my self-talk is i've actually started practicing in the last year or so uh like talking very gently to myself out loud which is very gay and therapy type like therapize what does that sound like like it's very like i'll be like i'll be upset with myself because i haven't done something i was supposed to do or that i i'm upset with myself that i haven't i'll realize like oh i haven't talked to that friend in a while and they just reached out to me again they're being the first one to reach out again i meant to fix that and i'll start to get upset with myself and then out loud i'll go like it's okay buddy you're not in trouble you're doing a good job that's great i'll talk to myself the way that you'd want to it's something i uh either read or saw online or something about like talking to yourself the way that you would have wanted to be talked to when you were a kid oh and my mom talked to me like that and my dad did not so i have actually a good model of what it should look like from my mom but yeah doing doing that kind of stuff it actually like really weirdly uh it will make me very emotional sometimes.

1:05:55Or you talk to yourself and then you get a little... I'll be gentle with myself and then I'll be like, oh my God. I'm like, wait, that low-key felt amazing. That is incredible. You don't ever do anything like that? So you don't have... You've never had a negative self-talk issue, really? Oh, I totally have. No, I'm doing much better. You're doing much better, okay. Yeah, I'm in a decent place with it these days, but I totally... Oh my God. My teens and early 20s, I was so mean to myself. Yeah. I really did not like myself at all. That's the thing. I've had the same thing. I still have to work on it.

1:06:30I think you're further along than I am because you don't even realize the tone with which you're talking yourself. You know, I didn't even realize it was negative until, you know, therapy. They were like, so how do you say this? You know, you're on set. You didn't do a good job. What do you say to yourself? And I'm like, oh, heinous shit. Oh, yeah. You don't even realize. It's that fucking Leonardo DiCaprio scene in Hollywood. What the fuck is that? Once upon a time. Once upon a time. When he's in the trailer, he's like, you fucking no good. It's that. It's that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I try and be careful with that.

1:07:02But it is it is hard. It's just my default has always been that. Like since I can remember, that's been my default. You know, and I think it does come from like for me, it was not not liking myself. And now I do actually like myself. It's probably been it's a recent thing. Last few years where I didn't even realize I didn't like myself. And now I do like myself. And I liked myself when I was 14 years old. Like, just thinking of how I felt about myself when I was 14 and being able to articulate it now, like, kind of breaks my heart for that, like, 14-year-old, you know? A lot of it comes from, like, I think being raised in a very, like, conservative situation.

1:07:42There's a lot that you can do wrong or a lot that you can think wrong. So growing up thinking, oh, there's something wrong with me because, you know, I find women attractive or whatever it is. Yeah, well, that's partially true, yeah. That's a moral failing, but yeah. It is a moral failing. I mean, when I was like 12, 13, 14, if I could like take that part of myself out, I would have. Opposite, but rock on. It's really cool to know we were going through similar stuff. Yeah, yeah. I mean, because you know where I was raised, like even just thinking of a woman in a lustful way is a sin. And so you're like, oh, if I'm even thinking, and it's impossible to not, Like, you know, the force that has led to the survival of the species is, like, working its way through me.

1:08:32And I'm just, like, a 12-year-old. So I think that's where that came from. Me being, like, oh, I'm attracted to women. There's something wrong with me. And then it just becomes, there's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me. And only recently realizing that's probably the genesis of my, like, negative self-talk. That's really interesting. It's also like, you know, at a certain point I was like, and nobody will ever have sex with me. Like I had times in like my teens where I was like, nobody's ever going to have sex with me ever. Because I also had the thing about how I looked and stuff.

1:09:03So all that, you know, it's too much. Puberty comes too early. It should come in your like 20s. Yeah, when you've had some time. When you've had some like, yeah, you've had your feet on the ground. You've had a job, you know, like that kind of stuff. You want like, you want a nine to five before puberty hits you. Yeah. That's my big, I mean, it's a fucked up system What's so true to you, Camille? Okay This is where I'm going to make enemies Okay I don't think You should be allowed to taste ice cream At ice cream parlors Oh my god I think No other situation Like you're at a restaurant Can I just have two of the fries and see what they're like Can I have a bite of the pizza before I decide Why is it that it's okay in an ice cream parlor, just stand there.

1:09:48Then I got to stand there stirring in a bucket with all the spoons that the entire neighborhood's been sucking on. I don't want that image in my head. You just see like little saliva at the bottom of that bucket that everybody's taking the tiny metal spoons and sucking on it and putting it in there. And this came to me recently because there's a long line about one of those cool ice cream places that's like Indonesian ice cream or something where it's not even technically ice cream. And there's a woman on the phone and there's a guy in the front of the line and he's like bringing a spoon to her.

1:10:18She's tasting. She's like, no, let me have another one. And he's getting another spoon, tasting another one. I'm done with it. Make your decision. You know what strawberry tastes like. Yeah. I'm going to say I'm shocked to hear this. I hadn't considered it, but I guess I do have a rule in my own body already. You get one. You get to try an experimental flavor. And if you're not into it, go to Old Faithful. I think that's right. And I would say even, you know, I'm willing to relax it. It should never be more than three. And I think... Oh, my God, you're being so generous. But until you're 10 years old, until you're the age of 10, you get three.

1:10:58After 10, you know, I might agree to one, but after the age of 10, like, make your decision. I think it's one, and I think that's what it is. You go, if there's a very experimental flavor on the thing that you've never seen, you can say, let me try that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then if you don't like it, you order something you know you'll like. You don't get to ask to try chocolate. No. You don't get to ask to try strawberry. I think, you know what? How about this? You can only try the experimental flavors, and there is a cap on the numbers. You can't try strawberry. You could try, like, you know, popcorn, ginger, or whatever.

1:11:32Which would probably be pretty good, by the way. It does sound pretty good. Actually, hold on. I was opening. I did try to go to ice cream college. All right. No follow-ups. No follow-ups. What the fuck are you talking about? There's a couple of ice cream colleges around the country. When you say ice cream college, I've never heard those two words together. They teach you how to make your own flavors. They teach you the business logistics side and how to run your own coffee shop. How much foot traffic should the store have? They teach you how to become an ice cream connoisseur. And I... A maven, yeah.

1:12:02And I wanted to do it, but I haven't found the time. I would like to do it still. There's a couple. There's one in St. Louis, I think. There's one in California. There's an ice cream college in California? There's ice cream colleges. and you should go. We should go together. Well, how long is a degree? How long does it take together? A couple days. A couple days. That's not a college. No, come on. That's a course. Please, please, please. I know, but they call it Ice Cream College to be fun, but I think we could learn a lot. I would totally go to Ice Cream College with you. Let's mix some flavors.

1:12:31I would. Make some flavors. There it is. Ready to turn your ice cream dreams into reality. If you dream it, we can make it. They've got seminars. Ice Cream University. Oh my god. How to produce a soft serve frozen dessert. Beginner ice cream batch freezer hands. Right? That hands on. The on should be bolded too. Because it looks weird. Just like freezer hands. I don't know what that is. From concept to market, let's make your idea real. For over three decades, Malcolm Stogo, the godfather of ice cream. An inventor of cookie and cream ice cream. Why work with them? That's why. God's walk amongst us.

1:13:17That's why. From our test kitchen in West Orange, New Jersey. If I had to guess where this guy Malcolm Stoga was from, it would have been that. West Orange. He's worked with Haagen-Dazs, Sloan's, Carville, Stonyfield Farm. I don't know what that is. Base flavor development is$2 ,500 for one day. That's pretty expensive. Each additional flavor is$1 ,800. Yeah. $5 ,000 if you want to do five flavors and up to 10 test batches per flavor. I would pay that. I mean, we were saying, you know, let's do it. Let's go. Can we go up a little bit? I want to see. It says shop or you can buy a whole shop. I want to see what they're selling.

1:14:00Oh, my God. Ice Cream University books. We should probably start there. Let's go to, I don't know, nut paste is kind of calling to me, too. Let's see what nut paste is about. John Duha, pistachio, hazelnut, pretty basic. Pretty basic. Let's go to the books thing. Let's see what these books are. Pistachio was$165. It's, yeah, Ice Cream University books. Incredible Ice Cream, the Ultimate Ice Cream Mastery Collection. The official manual, Dairy-Free Ice Cream and Dessert Seminar,$625. So they are doing, of course, highway robbery. That's an expensive book. Scroll down a little. Ice Cream Galore is priced to move.

1:14:38It was$50 ,000 and now it's$30 ,000. At that price, you can't afford to not get ice cream galore, cakes, novelties, and more. I don't like holiday sale homemade junkies. What is a homemade junkie? Having fun making great ice cream at home, and it's on sale for$13.50. That, I mean. Chance, will you order that for me? Order that for me to the studio. I'd like to see what that's all about. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I know we're running out of time. This is the rest of my life. Can we go up again? What else? Under wholesale ice cream, what flavors are they selling? Malcolm's Ice Cream Simply Not. Oh, he's been on TV.

1:15:14There he is, Malcolm, on Arise 360 with the biggest shows on TV. Why is that not in my press schedule? You need to get on Arise 360. Salted Caramel Pecan, Ricotta Fig. Yeah, I mean, Red Velvet, these are all sounding. These are all good. Plant-based. Pomegranate. I've never had pomegranate ice cream. Asian ice cream flavor line. All right, let's see. Let's see if that's Okay, ube Ube's having a big moment right now Green tea, liquor infused, of course Do you know what pandan is? P-A-N-D-A-N It's a flavor that's used in some Southeast Asian countries It's a plant It's very bright, specific green And they use it for desserts Pandan cake, pandan ice cream It's sort of like almondy, vanilla, but it's own thing You gotta get into it I might have to get into it You get pandan.

1:16:06If you see it, like, you know, I bet Chinatown has it. Like, bright green. You see, like, a bright green slice of, like, chiffon cake or something. You got to try it. It's, like, my favorite flavor. I will. Yeah. Kamil, I have a segment for you. Yes, sir. This is a game that we play. True or false segment. Yes. Okay? I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said was true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 U.S. dollars. Oh, my God. I know. I know. I'm like 117th of the way to Ice Cream University.

1:16:35Come on. Are you ready? Okay. The LA Lakers have won more NBA championships than any other team. True. False. The Celtics. Butterflies taste with their wings. True. False. Their feet. The Grinch, 2018, is the highest grossing Christmas movie of all time. False. True. Oh, my God. The Pacific Ocean is the largest ocean on Earth. Oh, God. This one. True. True. Grinnell College's motto is truth and service. False. False. It's truth in humanity. I did go there. I know you did. The liver is the second heaviest organ in the human body.

1:17:10The liver. Is skin an organ? Yeah. And heart is an organ. So I'll say false. It's true. Napoleon. You're telling me that the liver weighs more than all of my skin? It's second heaviest. Skin is number one. Skin is number one. Liver is number two. What was heart? We didn't get that far. I'm not sure, sir. Napoleon lost the Battle of Waterloo. Yes. True. Hawaii has the most active volcanoes of all U.S. states. Yes. False. Alaska. Jingle Bells was originally a Thanksgiving song. Oh, true. True. The Lion's Den open mic in Chicago was on Tuesday nights. False. Monday nights, baby. Tea is the most popular beverage on the planet.

1:17:53True. False. It's water. Sorry. Oh, no. I'm sorry. I didn't write it. I didn't write it. That is a bunch of bullshit. Oh my God. What's the most popular food? Wrong. It's air. Kwanzaa is observed for seven days. You got to take this out. Not a good look. Bleep this. False. True. Sloths take two weeks to digest food. True. True. St. Michael's Convent School was opened in 1970. True. 1986. False. Wow. Both male and female reindeer grow antlers. False. True. Wow, I did very poorly. How do you do? Oh, six. Six out of... Why is that so funny? No, that's beautiful. Six out of how many? Fifteen, yes.

1:18:41Six out of fifteen? Do it again. I bet I get them all right now. Honestly, I'm tempted to if we weren't kind of out of time. But what I do want to say to you is you were a winner in the way that you answered quickly. Because a lot of our guests cannot get that done. I thought that was part of the thing. It is. But Camille, that's what I'm saying. A lot of our guests, they don't follow the rules. And Michael's Convent School is where I went to school. Really? Yeah. I'm sorry that you got that one wrong. That's why. Yeah. Where did you go to school? Chillicothe High School. What year was it founded?

1:19:081931. That's not true. You're right. Just because you answer quickly. But you answer quickly. That's the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Camille, your special is out now. Do you want to tell people where they can find it, where they can find you? It's on Hulu. It's called Night Thoughts. It's also on Disney Plus, on Hulu and on Disney Plus and the rest of the world. Go watch it. And you can watch it with the whole family. It's Christmas Day. Yeah. And you can watch it with the whole family. I swear a little bit, but it's very clean. Yeah. And it's really a good watch for the whole family. Don't go see Avatar.

1:19:41Don't. Avatar is doing fine. Forget Avatar. We need you on the night special. Yeah. What is it? Night Thoughts. Night Thoughts. I said it five times, Kayla. We need you on the night special. I know what it's called. I've seen the trailer. Yeah, my special is called Night Special. Yeah, Night Special. Night Thoughts. Go see, go see, go see mail night special. I'm so happy for you, dude. Thanks for coming on. Oh, thanks for having me. That was so fun. This episode is brought to you by Hinge. Look, dating can be a goddamn nightmare. It can be a daunting and difficult thing to navigate. But thankfully, our friends at Hinge are here to help.

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