Laura Peek Returns

28:45And then I'm just crashing out. No, it's not so bad. I cultivate a lot of experiences by myself. I go to movies by myself. I go to dinner by myself. I go on extremely long walks every day of my life. Yeah. And I'm trying my best to adopt that mentality of just being like, every emotion you have is fleeting. I feel like I'm grasping that. But when I do experience true happiness and joy, it's impossible for me to think about it as anything other than momentary and that I don't deserve it. I have a deep amount of shame. Yes. Why? I'm Catholic. I don't know. Do you think? Really? Why, why, why? I don't know.

29:24I was thinking about it the other day. I have living parents who are in love together and love me very much. There is no reason for me to have the amount of just like truly inherent guilt and shame that I have. But it is the thrum of my entire existence is a low sense of really intense self-hatred. Sorry. Don't be sorry. This is very interesting. Did you grow up Catholic? Yeah. I mean, that's all it has to be. I mean, it literally has to be. It literally has to be. But it wasn't, I'll say it wasn't like, definitely in the home that was not imparted on me. This was not like an insanely religious household in which everything was a sin and everything you do is wrong.

30:06Yeah. And school, I was barely paying attention to that. I wasn't even really taking that in. So I do wonder where it was, where it got really deep in there. But like, I will harp on and just... I will harp on any mistake longer than I have any right to and really lash myself over it for a really long time. And the feeling when you're happy is that you don't deserve it. Yeah, immediately. Because I don't have that. And I'm trying to understand that as you're saying it. I have when I'm happy that I can't hold on to it. See? And that makes me sad. Yes. And so there will often be times where I'm quite happy where I have to fight this creeping emotion of like, oh this is gonna tomorrow's not gonna be like this you have to wake up tomorrow and do things you don't want to do yes you're gonna be sad again next week like there's this there's this voice when i'm happy that's like you can't hold on to this isn't that sad you may as well ruin this as well yeah and i just push i fight that and go no you're not real you're fake get the fuck out of here yes and i'm not deserving it is so interesting well i think so much of my like i have tied a lot of my this is like career weird career stuff too but i have tied a lot of my happiness to what I consider to be success.

31:20And so I'm like, which is very toxic. And I'm trying, I'm unlearning that I'm talking about a lot in therapy these days, but like, like big opportunities, things that I've really wanted. I go, yeah, it's a fluke. Like you do not deserve that. Like, like truly will talk myself out of being excited about it at every stage of the process. And then as it's happening and as I'm meeting the moment and doing what I came there to do and, and, and doing a good job, I'm like, there you go. But that's seven minutes long. It's very... The place, and this is lame, but the place that I experience the most true and lasting joy is in my relationship.

31:56And he is the least neurotic person alive and gives me a real sense of, like, you deserve to be okay. Yeah. But outside of that, honey? Yeah, that's... We don't want it tied to the man. That's really good for you, though. He could have a heart attack, you know what I mean? He could, but you have it now. You have it now. And that's really nice. It is. It is. Thank God for that. This episode is brought to you by Hinge. Look, dating can be a goddamn nightmare. It can be a daunting and difficult thing to navigate. But thankfully, our friends at Hinge are here to help. Hinge is the dating app designed to be, you guessed it, deleted.

32:32It's for people dating with intention, going on dates, putting themselves out there. Hinge is designed for finding connections. What makes Hinge the ideal dating app is its user-friendly layout and its interactive prompts feature that allow you to ask potential suitors questions or pick topics to get the conversation going without the awkward ice-breaking phase. What we hear is so true, the whole team, love the most about Hinge, and we're always bringing this up, has got to be the signals feature, which allows you to see what profiles thoughtfully engage with their matches. I mean, who doesn't love thoughtful engagement?

33:06For anyone who might need a little assistance when it comes to making their profile pop, Hinge has just released their new Friends Take feature that lets you invite the people who know you best to contribute short, authentic reflections directly to your profile via text, voice, video, and photos. Chance, why don't you give him a reflection for me? For my Hinge profile. For you? Yeah, well give him a, you know me best. Give him a reflection of me. Oh wow, great smile and he always picks up the check. That's actually, yeah, that's actually really nice. Wait, actually Nicole Clipped sent that to me.

33:38next time you're looking to make a connection do us a favor and give hinge a try no but you're right that it's like i have to understand it as fleeting but also very beautiful and important that's all i need to know that's a very good way to look and also like with the career stuff like i don't know yeah where are you at with that i just don't i don't think of it in terms of deserving i don't think of it in terms of i don't know i just think like i don't deserve the life i have You know what I mean? I feel very lucky for it. But I don't think, because to me, in my own estimation, deserving a very good life would imply that people deserve bad lives.

34:14Yes. Wow. Yes. The opposite has to be true. Yeah. And I don't think that people deserve bad lives. Very good point. No one does. I think some people, I would like to see some people that have done bad things get some, unfortunately, there's a part of me that wants to see them punished, which is not productive. If Pete Hexed got hit by a train today, I'd be like, okay. Look, I would say, what are we having for lunch? You know what I mean? Like, I would move on pretty quickly from that news. But I think, yeah, I think just trying not to think of it as deserving. And also, like, I think I think about a lot that brings me great peace that used to bring me a lot of not peace is nobody, after enough time, nobody is going to remember what any of us did.

34:51Isn't that fabulous? None of us. Isn't that liberating? The most famous person on earth right now and the least famous person on earth right now. And all the other descriptors, most rich, least rich. Like everything you can think of about us with enough passage of time, this solar system is going to crash into another solar system and create an amount of energy that will destroy every living thing. And, and none of the only thing that will have mattered is that whether or not we had a nice time and we're nice to each other. And even kind of frankly, not that, but I hold onto that one for fun. You know what I mean?

35:21I'm going to,

35:25I'm hanging on by a thread. It's going to make me cry. The title of the episode being, I tell my mentally ill friend that nothing matters. Her reaction live. I don't know. Do you find it comforting or is that sad? No, I love that. I love that. I mean, no, that really does bring me comfort. And the idea, I mean, okay, make your mark. It's huge. We're having a ton of fun. I do. I am able in the very moment to totally believe and understand that. Yes. I just, I, I know that brings me a ton of comfort. I just have to, I have to quiet my own mind. and I suffer a lot from like racing thoughts. I suffer a lot from whatever this like shame built in thing is.

36:02But you're right. You're so right. Like it won't, young people don't know who William Shatner is. You know what I mean? Yeah. And he's the most famous person who's ever lived. Yes. I thought you were about to say he's president of the United States. He's president of the United States. No, but you know what I do think of? It brings me peace sometimes too in career to think of like, okay, so we're in a culture. We're in a subculture of comics and famous people and actors and whatever. We're a part of that scene. Yeah. And sometimes when I think about like the kings of little fiefdoms near where I grew up, like the guy who's like, he's like chair of the school board in every restaurant he walks into.

36:37Big dick swinging everywhere. And I laugh because I'm like, this doesn't matter. And every person buying into this is so fucking silly. And then I look at myself and go, same to you, my friends. You are not better than that. You're walking into the Applebee's with your hog out. You are acting like the school board president in Linn County, Missouri. And anyone who's allowing you to act like that is just as foolish. It's not different. It's so true. He's getting the fajita platter and everybody knows it. Yeah, it's like the status and the pursuit. And I try so hard not to be in pursuit of influence or status.

37:17But I think a good thing to think about is if you can look at another group of people who are so tied up in their own little power structure and then look at whatever yours is, whether it's your office job or your group of friends or your theater group or whatever, and just go, I'm as silly as them. Knock it off. 100%. I'm as much a goose as any part. One of my friends said to me one time, my friend Katie was like, there is nothing, there is nothing more dangerous than like perceived power in like a small environment. You know, like it really will drive you absolutely bonkers. and I think about the different stages of my life and who I ascribed that to, like you're saying, the school bird, it's like who I gave that status to, all of them hilarious.

37:56Absolutely all of them hilarious. The dude that I wanted to like me, the people at my school that I thought were more important or more popular, like every step of your life, you have someone who is remarkably dumb and silly that you're like, that's it. And you look back and go, why did I give them any power at all? Yeah. I participated in their legitimacy. Why? I sucked him off. Yeah, I sucked that guy off. I sucked off William Shatner. And how the kids don't know who he is. That's title. Which member of the Hollywood elite did I suck off? There you go. There's the episode title. And we'll include the stammering.

38:36You have to. I lost it. I lost the thread. Here's your title.

38:43I sucked him off. Dude, the number of times on podcasts that my brain goes, you've got something. And then I open my mouth to say it. And I just end up going, oh. And another thing. Or I'll be in the middle of a sentence and go, you don't have an ending. You don't have an ending to what you're saying. Wrap it up. This is random. Getting light. I'm doing it until I'm lighting myself. Wrap it up. He thought he ate. I thought I was about to eat for dinner.

39:14I thought I was about to eat for dinner. He was supposed to serve me dinner. I'm hungry. I thought I was about to eat for dinner. Dude. And one more thing. Yeah, give it to me. Dude, I have to tell you something horrible. What happened? I've been trying to eat better breakfast. Oh, what's going on with your breakfast? I'm a breakfast gal. I either skip it or I eat something horrendous. Right. I either skip it or I'm like, well, you've got the whole day for your body to work through this. You know what I mean? So I'll eat just something crazy. I'll have a donut and snack and bacon from Dunkin'.

39:51That sounds really good right now. It's really good because they sprinkle sugar and crack cocaine on it. Yeah, 100%. You wake up ready to go. Who needs a cup of coffee? And the other day, I tried this protein cereal. I was like, okay, so what you're going after is you'd like to be filled up. Full. Hit your macros. Yeah, whatever that means. I don't know either. You want to be full, and so why don't you eat this protein cereal? And I got the – it looked like it was a cute branding, and it was like, oh, there's like, you know, however many grams, 40 grams of protein in a cup or something crazy like that.

40:19And I was like, oh, my gosh. Awesome. And it says, oh, it's cinnamon toast crunch flavor. And I was like, I love cinnamon toast crunch. I want to say they made it out of rat poison and dog shit. It tasted so bad. Oh, no. And I can tell you, it was filling. I took a... I'm full of dog shit. It was so hard to chew. It's a battle of attrition. I'm just tired. They're wearing me down. Yeah. I don't need to eat anything for months. I'm exhausted. I've had enough of this cereal and of being alive. I've just had enough. 40 grams of kill yourself. Truly. I was like, this is so bad. That's horrific. I know.

41:02It was one of those moments when I bought it that I was like, you son of a bitch. You cracked the code. Look at you. Look at you. Cinnamon Toast Crunch Protein Flavored Cereal. What was on that box? Can I ask what it looked like? Because I get fooled by that shit a lot. It was like it was the cereal, but they made the cereal look so appetizing and good. It was really cute, and it was like a matte box with a nice finish on it. Oh, they're doing such beautiful things with branding. Of course. And so I thought. Yeah,$12 box of cereal. It wouldn't be expensive if it wasn't good. That's right. You know?

41:31It's so funny that still at this point in my life, I can be in situations and think, this time you figured it out. Yeah, you nailed it. You found the thing that's going to fix everything. I was putting so much on the cereal. I was like, my days are about to be, I'm going to write three hours a day every day. 100%. Because of this cereal. Well, it's important to be excited, as we've discussed. Yeah. Delusional. Very delusional thinking. Breakfast is hard, though. Breakfast is always hard. I hate it. I went out yesterday. I'm staying at a friend's place in Prospect Park. And I was like, I'm about to have me a New York City day.

42:07And I was like, I'm going to go. I'm going to get up. I'm going to go for a walk. I'm going to sit in the park and write. I brought all my little things. My backpack weighed 1 ,000 pounds. I was really moving and grooving. I can't write outside. It's such a lie that I tell myself. Hilarious. I didn't write a word. I haven't written in five years.

42:24But I get up and I'm like, I'm going to hit this little breakfast spot. And I see it's very cute. It was very – reviews were so adorable. It's like a soul food cafe. I was like amazing. They have so many great things on the menu. like really healthy ways to start your day. Soul Food Cafe by Prospect Park. Gloria's. Was it Gloria's or. Gloria's. Okay. That's not what I was thinking of. There's a soul food restaurant over there that I love that I will not say the name of on here. Okay. Okay. Because it's doing quite well and I'd like to gatekeep it. Got it. But I'll tell you off. I want to know.

42:49Maybe I got the name wrong. It might be the same one. Yeah. But I sit down and I'm like, look at all this. I'm like. Oh my God. That place is amazing. Make sure you can't hear that in the recording. It was so good. Gloria's. Yeah. What the fuck am I? Yeah. like that was it that's my favorite soul food restaurant it was so delicious yes and they're so lovely in there they're so nice yeah well i was sitting i was really moved i was sitting across from a woman who's maybe in her early 60s and she's she had one of those things she didn't have reading glasses but she had one of those little uh magnifying glasses that you put over a thing to read it and i just saw her and she is just beaming just ear to ear looking around smiling the the waiter comes up to her kind of could have could have taken a reliever like you know not particularly interested in what this woman has going on.

43:37And she goes, all of my friends have been telling me to come here and I'm just so excited. And I like, I was fucked up over that. I was fucked up and she kept making eye contact with me and I would just go. I love her. She was a doll. She was precious. And then she got her food and she's just, dude, it makes you feel bad, right? I felt like an asshole. It makes you feel bad. There's a, there's like a viral, there's like a viral video that I think I saw on like Instagram or something that's like this this girl is like recording I think her mom or her aunt and they're in like a hotel room in Cleveland and she's like on the phone with her the mom or aunt or maybe grandma this older woman is on the phone with her friend and she's like she's looking out the window and she's like girl we're in downtown and they got restaurants down here and it's so beautiful I love it here I bet you wish she'd come now like she's so excited to be in Cleveland and I'm like DT Cleveland and I'm like I deserve nothing nothing I'm a fool I deserve nothing if I can't be like that I'm a bitch of a woman

44:42I can't make myself happy doing objectively some of the coolest things on earth fuck you it's crazy to behold it's wild it's really crazy but she was just so so happy and I kept looking at her and I was looking at all these things on the menu and I was like I'm going whole hog big breakfast there was a lovely looking salad There were plenty of lovely options. And I ate like four massive sausages and cheesy eggs. And then I went home and I went to sleep. You know what? I'm going to tell you a story about this place. Okay. And I'm going to say the name of the place. It's Cheryl's Global Soul. Don't cut it.

45:18I'm not gatekeeping. Oh, look at you. Who knows? Maybe they need the business. I think they're doing quite well, but I love that place so much. I had one of the most magical nights there. This was in maybe December or it was winter in New York last year. and I had gone I had gone with some people I had gone with a guy I was dating at the time and his sister and we had we had met up with his sister at First Fridays at the Brooklyn Museum the Brooklyn Museum loves when I talk about First Fridays oh love that last time I talked about the Brooklyn Museum on here they clipped the moment from the podcast themselves and put it on the Instagram that's really fucking sweet shout out to the Brooklyn Museum I love them I was next to it yesterday and I almost went in but I went to the Botanical Garden instead I need to hit the on a on a weather day i need to go there you must go yeah i love the brooklyn museum it's so fabulous um but first fridays there are first saturdays it's not first fridays i always mix this up chance tell me because i want to get it right i don't care whatever it's fine i think it's first saturday it's better phonetically first fridays yes they don't i think it's first saturdays at the brooklyn museum i go whenever it's on and they uh they're off season anyway they're not doing it until next year i think but i went it's so many hot cool people and they've got some of the exhibits open and DJs and like live music and food vendors and it's so fun and then we walked to Cheryl's Global Soul we sat down we started ordering food it's like really cold out and it's like they've got heaters on in there it's so warm and cozy and cute and it's like full it's full and it's everyone in there is having a good time and they're playing like you know great music and then the playlist was crazy the playlist is crazy it's so good and the food is coming and it's amazing and we're having so much fun we keep ordering stuff drinks and stuff and then uh what i believe is the owner i haven't gotten to have a long conversation with her yet we've like exchanged a couple hey hello how are you's and uh she she stands up she's she's there at the restaurant she stands up and the staff starts bringing shots around to everyone in the restaurant and she holds up a shot glass and she goes everybody can i get your attention please these shots are on me tonight for no other reason than we're celebrating friendship and being alive what a gift it is to be on this earth at the same time raise your glasses and then every the whole restaurant does a shot i'm gonna cry the whole restaurant does a shot together and then they just turn the music back up and everyone keeps eating being alive is actually really special as it turns out being alive is one of the coolest things that's ever happened to me It's a gift.

47:49Yeah, and I won't be taking it for granted ever. And I'm going to be present in the present because it's my present. Until later today. When somebody minorly inconveniences me. When a guy bumps into me on the train. Until then, it's a joy to be here. God, life is beautiful. Oh my God, what a fucking darling woman that is. The playlist was going crazy. I walk in like a fool, like a person who's just inside my own head with my headphones in. And then I'm like, no, I want to experience this. The food was so good. Get out of there. Oh, I know. Get into this. Yeah. Take a shot with the staff. Take a shot with the staff.

48:24Oh, my God. I had the most beautiful waiter I've ever seen, and we made a lot of eye contact, too. He would, like, set things down and be like, it's gorgeous. Oh, my God. I know. I don't know what's going on. I need that to happen to me soon. This episode is brought to you by Hinge. Look, dating can be a goddamn nightmare. It can be a daunting and difficult thing to navigate. But thankfully, our friends at Hinge are here to help. Hinge is the dating app designed to be, you guessed it, deleted. It's for people dating with intention, going on dates, putting themselves out there. Hinge is designed for finding connections.

48:55What makes Hinge the ideal dating app is its user-friendly layout and its interactive prompts feature that allow you to ask potential suitors questions or pick topics to get the conversation going without the awkward ice-breaking phase. What we hear is so true, the whole team, love the most about Hinge, and we're always bringing this up, has got to be the signals feature, which allows you to see what profiles thoughtfully engage with their matches. I mean, who doesn't love thoughtful engagement? For anyone who might need a little assistance when it comes to making their profile pop, Hinge has just released their new friends take feature that lets you invite the people who know you best to contribute short, authentic reflections directly to your profile via text, voice, video, and photos.

49:38Chance, why don't you give him a reflection for me? For my Hinge profile. For you? Yeah, well, give him a, you know me best. Give him a reflection of me. Oh, wow. Great smile, and he always picks up the check. That's actually, yeah, that's actually really nice. Actually, Nicole Clipped sent that to me. Next time you're looking to make a connection, do us a favor and give Hinge a try. Well, let's go there. Oh, really? I was at the MJ Linderman concert last night. I don't know who that is. You don't know? Oh, my God. MJ Linderman, incredible. I'm so old. Put out one of my favorite albums of last year, if not maybe my favorite.

50:14Oh, my God. I need to see it. It's really, really good. He's great. And him and Annie DeRusso played at Kings Theater last night. Oh, big Annie fan, of course. Come on, man. Oh, man, I should have come. A night designed for me. I know. I should have thought of it. Okay. But I went and a really hot guy came up to introduce himself as a fan, clearly straight. and I was so, he was like looking at me in a way, you know, sometimes when someone's a fan of you, they look at you in a way that's like, you're looking at me in a way that's like, I want, I just so you know, I want to fuck you. Yeah. Like you're looking at me like, you know, like you listen to things I've said and you like them.

50:55Like this just like sweet, earnest, straight guy looking in my eyes being like, brother, you're so funny. Hey bro. And I'm like, you know, I'm like, should we kid? let's kiss please and I was like god I need to be looked at like that a lot that's romantic love I've heard your thoughts and I've seen you and I really respect you that's romantic love sometimes those interactions are not like that at all you're the famous guy from the internet and I'm like fuck you but you can tell it's in the eyes I love your stuff you're so funny your special was incredible Thank you for putting it out and like the stuff about your dad.

51:36And I was like, I'm horny. I'm horny straight up. I have a semi. I'm bricked. I am semi brick. I'm bricked into oblivion. In these old Navy jeans. I'm bricked in my old Navy jeans. Thank you for seeing me. I have a semi in my O N J's.

52:00And we need to do something. Let's go. let's get out of here i don't even like this band dude a guy messaged me on grinder last night uh cute guy and he was like he was like what's up and i was like i had just gotten home from the concert and i was like watching gilmore girls lorelei and roy are in another fucking situation as always what's up with you he didn't respond i'm like you don't what do you kind of the funniest thing anyone's ever said and you're not giving me he obviously hasn't seen the show roy and lorelei are always in a situation at each other's well they're either at each other's throats or mom's acting up well and sometimes you can't even tell who the damn parent is and who's the kid oh she i i was watching with carson recently he was like i fucking hate lorelei he he was like he was like she is so irresponsible he's an interesting boy okay not making you hate him now no he was like no he was like he was just i can't remember what the scenario was yeah it reminds me so much of my favorite thing he's ever said in my life was we were watching um you know million three watch of sex in the city and i left to go to the bathroom and i was like keep it going you're enjoying this episode i i know it very well yeah and i heard him from the other room go oh and i was like what happened and he goes carrie's making it all about her again really par for the course i mean does she is and she does and she does she makes it all about her and she does she can't She can hardly help herself.

53:26I mean, well, I just, I rewatched the episode recently where she, did Charlotte get pregnant or something massive happened to Charlotte? No, she got engaged. She got engaged to Harry. Yeah. And she had just gotten broken up with by Burger on a post-it. Yeah. And they're at brunch and she gives her two seconds of airtime before she goes, post-it. I mean, she doesn't let her have her own engagement at all. I'm like, this bitch would be out of my life in two seconds. Yeah. She's crazy. Laura, what is so true to you? Okay. this is a big one for me i was thinking about it in the car i was 15 minutes late to the record i was 12 minutes late i'm walking caleb goes well well well and he goes i just got here two minutes ago yeah i fully just walked in okay so true to me right now is that if they are coming if if if our government is coming for free speech yes and it seems they are and it seems that they are just totally hypothetical america as a country does not make any fucking sense without free speech yeah like it's too weird a place yeah to not be able it's like if a if you had a friend and they're like hey i'm gonna take you to the circus and we're gonna go to the freak show yeah and you're gonna see the guy that swallows fire and knives and you're gonna see a lady with seven tits and you're gonna see and you have to watch that and you can't go whoa i can't say anything about it exactly exactly you're like sick no for sure he's like just one thing you can't like comment don't react you can't comment or you'll go to jail in any meaningful way you just can't say shit about it you're like but that's the point of the freeze i have to talk about the freeze no no that's what you think i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm gonna die with mounds of medical debt and i can't say a peep you're really right about this you're really really right about this thank you it doesn't make any at least in north korea people are behaving you know what i mean yeah We're too weird.

55:23How are you supposed to square like rural Louisiana with Chicago and no one's allowed to talk about what's going on? Those two places existing in space and time and I have to shove my little gob about it? People are also not, people are not reacting big enough to me to, like we're taking so much for granted right now in terms of like Caroline Levitt, that dumb bitch. Oh, such a loser. is going on the news and she literally was on the news like last night or this morning being like the Democrats main constituents are Hamas terrorists and it's like that is a fucking crazy thing to say about most of the country oh my god because they act like they're most of the country we are they're not they're not in the majority the mega is not most of the country people who don't agree with them are most of the people in the country and the election is not the election is not indicative of that most of the country doesn't vote most of the country is not like you and to say most of the country is Hamas terrorists is fucking bananas, batshit insane.

56:18And we're just going, oh, wow, that's politics. She said another crazy fucking thing. It's not. That's not politics. Well, and at this moment, it's so, at this exact time, it's so hard to grab hold of the latest, like, fucking insane thing that someone said. Yeah. That it's like, we should be talking about that to the ends of the earth. We should be commenting on that. It's like, you're so fucking wrong. Yeah. A lot of people, the vast majority of people do not agree with you. And it is, like, remarkably not true. and we just let it go. It just becomes the next thing that they've said, we'll be worried about something tomorrow.

56:48It really is driving me insane. I feel crazy every day. I feel really insane. I feel crazy every day. And the thing is, most of us do. I know. But what can we do? Because we have this stupid, and they're fucking redistricting everything. They're about to gut the Voting Rights Act. I know. Because God forbid, fucking people who aren't white get any kind of say in the government. They are gutting the Voting Rights Act and they are going to have mega control forever, they think. I'm really hopeful. What would be awesome is if they didn't get the voting rights act. You know what would be sick? What would be sick is if they left that.

57:22What would be really awesome is if they did and then a bunch of fucking people voted against them because of it. Do I think that that will happen? I don't know. But I know that the way they're trying to run this government is not going to work for working people. Exactly. Because Trump is doing fucking crypto schemes. He's manipulating the economy to drive up crypto prices and when it doesn't work for working people no matter what their majority is they're going to either have to do legitimate insurrection act martial law and overthrow all of the people yep or they're going to lose crazy style yeah they are going to lose crazy style i have i have a little bit of hope in the latter i really i really have a lot of fear in the former yes

58:02i have a lot of fear that if it starts to seem like uh fucking joe plumber in ohio is like no more they're like oh then fuck elections i'll shoot him in the head yeah we're gonna go to his house yeah well that looks like antifa boys pepper spray that yeah joe smith is a hamas terrorist yeah and so is his wife yeah your right wing uncle who's an electrician in texas really bad news guys he's al-qaeda he's a we just found out caroline levitt just found out he's al-qaeda oh my god aunt cheryl's isis oh shit so we're sending we're sending some schlubby 32 year old dimwits who couldn't find a fucking respectable job in ice uniforms to disappear him they are cracking me up and i know they are so inept and it is it is scary in every way but you throw a little benny hill soundtrack onto these fuckers trying to chase one guy on a bike i'm laughing harder than they're so fucking ugly it's awesome you almost have to be jealous of these ice agents because something really cool happened for them here are unfuckable unemployable unintelligent ugly ass losers right and now they get a job that pays them well for nothing they get to be assholes to people that are cooler than them and they get to wear a mask and they get a mask oh my god they get to cover their ugly face you go viral in a mask crazy crazy work like they literally found a dream scenario it's true it is it's the life i mean it's dimwitted fucking useless pieces of shit if i was 75 less smart you know oh my god yeah if i swear to god if you put half these ice agents in front of the children's game where you try to put the square in the square hole they'd be fucking ramming it at the triangle these guys he pissed his pants you all you can see of their face is their eyes and it's just giving Lenny.

1:00:00You just see a couple of Lenny peepers staring back at you vacantly. It's crazy. There's nothing in there. There's nothing in there. We're going to get that plot of land, brother. It's crazy. There's just not a light in the house on with these fucking guys. Oh my God. And they're showing up in unmarked fucking Toyota Siennas. Oh yeah. Stepping off a dirt bike. coming into your home. And we're saying it's supposed to be like, respect our law enforcement. I don't, that's a guy. Hey, that's some dude. That's just some guy. That's some dude who got$70 ,000 to put that mask on. He's some fucking guy.

1:00:39You actually have to let him kidnap the Guatemalan line cook who lives next door and bothers nobody. And is the nicest man you've ever met. There was a, oh my God, I saw a video yesterday of this woman going the fuck off. It was in New York on this man. And you're like, there's a million things you can say to these people. They deserve every type of lashing out you could possibly imagine. She goes, your fucking wife is stepping out on you, you little fucking bitch.

1:01:04It wasn't like you're abusing my rights. You're not respecting the Constitution. Your wife's cheating on you and your dick is small, you fuck. It was so satisfying. I live. I absolutely live. There's been videos of protesters clowning the outfits of the ICE agents. And you can just see that it's really getting to these guys. Oh, they really are starting to feel it. I love it. They're starting to see themselves reflected in these people a little bit. I mean, they have to. I really obviously don't want them to come to New York in the way they're talking about doing next year. Of course. I've just been thinking so much about the number of problems we have in this country that are so legitimate and need actual answers and solutions.

1:01:44and that all, of course, being upset about undocumented immigrants right now is like if you were sitting on the street and a man pulled up in like a gold Rolls Royce and got out in like a$2 million suit and came over and said, open up, I'm going to take a shit in your mouth. And then while he was shitting in your mouth, there was a guy playing harmonica a little loudly, like 10 feet over. And you were like, we got to kill the harmonica guy. The harmonica guy is driving me fucking insane. there's shit in your mouth the harmonica guy is the reason that I taste so much shit yeah meanwhile everyone's loving the harmonica everyone's having a good time sitting around enjoying it they ask him to play it enjoying it he's a great community member we're having fun he's like a beloved member of the community good dad loves his family he plays harmonica at all the birthday parties yes he's a he doesn't ask for anything in return yeah but there's poop in my mouth but there's poop in my mouth and I want to kill that harmonica guy Laura I have a segment for you you know what's about What's happened?

1:02:44What? Oh, yeah. Oh, God. I forgot. I've historically performed well on these, and I'm nervous now that I'm going to. I'm going to read you 15 statements. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. Okay. You get 10 or more correct. We're going to give you 50 US dollars. You ready? Yes. A sneeze can travel up to speeds of 100 miles per hour. Sure. Yes. No. No. Yet? Yet? Carson and I do a guy, an impression of a guy who's deciding that the answer is yes while he's saying it. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yeah, yes. You think true or false?

1:03:26True. It is true. Drake and Josh had more episodes than Kenan and Kel. True? False. Fuck. Yawning is contagious. True. True. Wicked debuted on Broadway on 2003. On 2003. That's how it's written. Okay. True. True. The Tennessee Volunteers football team played their first season in 1910. True. False. Fuck. My mom's going to kill me. The smallest bone in the human body is in the nose. False. False. It's the ear. Johnny Appleseed is a fictional character. False. False. He was a real man. Dollywood's official slogan is love every moment. True. True. Welcome to the Jungle was written by Motley Crue.

1:04:07True. False. Guns and Roses. Shit. Bats aren't actually blind. False. True. Shit. Leanne Rimes has released 17 studio albums. True. True. The Great Wall of China is visible from space. True. False. Albert Einstein failed his fourth grade math class. True. False. Father Ryan High School's yearbook is called The Clover. False. False. It's Irish pride. A blue whale's tongue can weigh as much as an adult elephant. True. True. How'd she do? Another nine. Wow. Shams. We've had a run of nines. Bunch of nines. Oh, so close. Who makes chances of getting good at this? Can I have$25? Since you came on last, did we pay you last time you came on?

1:04:45You know, I did it and you didn't pay me. Wow. We pay people now regardless. Oh, really? Yeah. I get that 50? You get more than that.

1:04:55Are you kidding me? You know, we made some changes. Oh my, this is the best day of my life. We took a look at the books. Things are going well. We took a look at the books and we said, hey, we've been actually accidentally doing some crimes. we owe people some money i did a grand larceny we did grand larceny on accident uh for for uh legal reasons kidding um that's really fabulous yeah it changed my whole week really yes it is yeah that was kind of sad to hear

1:05:32yo girl that's a little bit sad I hated that I needed that I needed you to be doing better worried about ya

1:05:44oh sweetie no that's big bummer no we love you so much Laura thank you so much for doing this I love you thank you for having me please tell people where they can find you oh uh find me on instagram at laura peak live p-e-e-k-l-a-u-r-a did it backwards and then laurapeakcomedy.com i got a bunch of dates coming up i'm gonna be all over the country hell yeah you said you said find me at laura peak live p-e-l-a-u it's u-r-n-l-i-v-e at the end the most complicated dot smith go see laura on tour one of the best love to laugh one of the best to do it simply one of our greatest living stand-ups love you thank you very much thanks for doing so much that was a head gum podcast this episode is brought to you by hinge look dating can be a goddamn nightmare it can be a daunting and difficult thing to navigate but thankfully our friends at hinge are here to help hinge is the dating app designed to be you guessed it deleted it's for people dating with intention going on dates putting themselves out there hinge is designed for finding connections.

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