Liza Treyger Returns Again

21:07What? It was like a festival. Sorry. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I think they went under, but I got to see Ludacris that year and Blondie. It was like pretty fun. They went bumper. But on the way out, someone was giving a homeless person a Nature Valley and he was rejecting it and she started screaming at him. And then another friend had to get involved and be like, he doesn't have teeth. Like that's a hard bar. You know what I mean? You can't gum the Nature Valley bar. I learned that lesson. Like, I guess I never thought about that either. But everyone has to learn. but like for your instinct to be.

21:39Well, I learned this in high school. Has no one seen Pursuit of Happiness? Like, I don't get it. In high school when we volunteered, like we would do like a volunteer thing with the food pantry and they would always have to be like, please stop bringing the same fucking three items. People that need food do not need boxed mac and cheese and fucking pumpkin, canned pumpkin. They would keep bringing canned pumpkin. Oh, it even gets worse than that. I do volunteer at that New York City food bank and during Thanksgiving you have to go through all the donations because people are crazy, expired two years, five years, like just expired cans.

22:11Yeah. And I don't get that instinct. It's really strange. It's really strange. I don't love it. Something positive is happening in my life right now that I'd like to share with you. What? I figured out breakfast. Okay. Yeah, I figured out breakfast. I want to say one more thing about the homelessness issues. That's okay. Have you seen Whoopi Goldberg's SVU episode? I was kind of done talking about it, but now I'll get back to it. Whoopi Goldberg has an SVU episode? Yeah, season 17, institutional fail. Oh, yeah, where she runs the shelter? Yeah, no, well, she's like that, but she has this moment on the stand, and it is just chilling, and I think about it all the time.

22:43What happens? It's basically like she works at Child Protective Services and flopped, and like, you know, a child dies because of her. So, but then she goes, how dare you blame me when all you do is walk around and ignore the, like, horrors of the world and pretend it doesn't exist and then throw all of that at fucking me. Ooh. And it's just, I'm getting chills talking about it. Like, she just is such a good actor, and it's such a good monologue, and I think about it a lot. Isn't there a show right now called The Whoopi Monologues, or The Whoopi? I don't know. There's like a live show, like a Broadway show or something.

23:13Oh. The Whoopi something-somethings. Whoopi Monologues. We should go together. She's still my favorite Oscar host. I would love that. Let's go. Let's go to the show. Wait, but tell me about Breakfast. I figured out Breakfast. And? Oh, my God. I'm feeling electric about it. Breakfast has been a long, terrifying situation in my life. Oh. I hate Breakfast. My favorite meal. I have never liked it and I can never get myself to do anything for it. And I finally figured out breakfast and here's what's been really working for me. Okay. Multi-grain toast with peanut butter and cut up bananas. Electric.

23:47Multi-grain toast with peanut butter and cut up bananas is electric to me. I'm really, really, really loving it. Also, three to four slices of turkey bacon. Okay. Wow. Loving it. Electric. Completely awesome. Doesn't make my stomach hurt. It makes me feel really full. And then either some eggs or a fig bar. Really, or also orange juice and coffee. And how are the eggs? A lot of coffee. Eggs, it kind of depends. I'm always trying to do over medium. I'm usually ending up with scrambled. Okay. Because I fuck it up. Okay. Yeah, I try to flip it and then it's like, well, now we're doing scrambled. So you're cooking.

24:18But this is the thing is like, this has been my big barriers. I've always been like, cooking is too much of an event. It needs to be like a Saturday where I have the afternoon off or something. No, yesterday I realized I don't even have plates. I got a little microwave Celeste pizza for nostalgia. I had to put it on a plastic lid for a bowl I had, and it obviously melted. I ate plastic last night. You realized you don't have plates. Because usually I had paper ones, but I've run out. And then I was like, oh, I don't even have a plate in my whole apartment. I opened every drawer. I had no plates.

24:45But I don't have room. Don't buy me plates. I don't want plates. Don't send me a plate. I'm not ready to live that life, but it was crazy. You're not ready to have plates? I just don't have room. I know. The thing is you get mad at me when I talk about your apartment But then you constantly bring up things that make me I actually brought it up to them before you got here That I was going to talk about the apartment Know that you hate it so much I want you to live better than that I don't like you in that apartment It really stresses me out I'll get a bigger unit one day I just want you to I'm like okay you love the neighborhood Let's move anywhere within two to three blocks There's got to be a good apartment somewhere over there I know I just love it I really don't like it It makes me really stressed out And the tub was having issues But the plumber came and it fixed immediately so that was nice.

25:30What was the issues with the tub? Just it wasn't draining as quickly as I would like. That's not a big deal actually. Yeah, I don't want you in that apartment anymore. I really don't like it. And now to hear that you don't have room for plates is like obviously extremely distressing. Yeah. I have like too many commemorative like mugs and glasses that I don't drink or use because they're like commemorative. I know. You live a trinket heavy lifestyle. You live an extremely trinket laden lifestyle. Yeah, but I have a new bookshelf you haven't seen yet, and it's organized really beautifully. Really?

26:02Yeah. By color or by title? Well... Or by size. It's by vibes. Okay. And because there's other stuff, and then some books are over there, but I stack the... It's more visual than... Yeah. Yeah, okay. I support this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know I'm moving. No. I got a new apartment. I'm moving next week. You're really moving constantly. That is true, and I'm trying to stop. Are you not sick of it? Of course I'm sick of it. I mean, I don't... Look, do I do much of it anymore? No. Wait, are you going to have a final rager on the patio? No, I don't think so. Sorry, no. What about just like a game night?

26:33Sure, you can come over for a game night, at least. I want to say bye to the space. We don't have to come over this weekend. It's happening this fast? I'm moving next Wednesday. I might be going to Fire Island this weekend as well. It's a whole thing. Bowen is inviting me. Which is an exciting thing. I love Bowen. I'm so excited to be invited. Joshua Sharp will be there. Yeah, I enjoy him. Josh Sharp is one of the most special people we have. I actually just the other day got served in my Instagram feed an old clip of Josh on the podcast where we were talking about randomly we both have straight guy fans.

27:09And Josh is so fucking quick. I said, Josh, what do you think these straight guys get from us? What do you think that they get from being fans of ours? Split second, he goes, head from their girlfriends. And the sick thing is I knew exactly what he said. Yeah, of course. I'm a fan. I know you did. I'm a k-lesbian. I don't know how you keep up with... You're not a k-lesbian until you start... Do not call yourself a k-lesbian when you got men marching you up the stairs on your hands and knees. I know. I did hook up with a girl in Sacramento in February, but no sex. What does that mean? Just a hook up in the green room.

27:41They were just too big of a fan and they knew too much about me. So it was just a little bit uncomfortable. Some of my favorite hookups have been green room hookups. Yeah, but we did get to hook up in the green room and I like that. I didn't hook up in the green room much on our last tour. And then the parking lot of the strip mall I perform in, you know? You hooked up in the parking lot as well? Yeah. Just like kissing or she was touching your stuff? Or you were touching her stuff? I was touching her. Yeah, there was like tit action. But I just think it's like you listen to every podcast I'm on.

28:05You can't also see like my pussy. It's like too much for me. I don't have rules like that. No, I know. That is why you're my grandmaster. I like, I am trying to learn. I'm trying to be more out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sleeping with a fan this weekend. Set it up. Already in Fire Island you've set the hookup up? No, no, no. Before I go to Fire Island. Oh, okay. He's going to be in New York. And I said, come on over. Yes. We'll get a drink first. Yes. We'll get a drink first. Okay. Wait, where are you moving? Same neighborhood or different neighborhood? You don't have to say. Different neighborhood.

28:39I don't want to be moving. What do you want? Yeah, why is this happening? But I low-key think that my building might have mold. And I think it might be the reason I'm getting strep every month. Now, I - I heard you can get it from sucking dick. You can get it from eating ass. And sucking dick. You can get - in my life. Oh, got it. I was like, no, I do know someone that just got suck dick strep. Dude, the most recent time that I got, I have strep right now and the strep I have right now, don't worry, I'm not contagious, I'm on the antibiotics. The strep I have right now, I got six hours after I really diligently ate someone's ass.

29:09Whoa. I think it's related. I also think it might be the mold in my building. I floated both of these things to the ENT and she was like, I don't really think either of them are, she's like, I think you have big tonsils and they need to be taken out. Oh, fuck. And I was like, Fuck. Okay, well, what if I eat ass less diligently and get an air purifier? And she was like, I guess you could do that. I just don't think, I don't know that that's going to solve it. And I was like, all right, well, I'm going to try it. How long are you going to put off? Like, how many more times will you get strep before you do the surgery?

29:38They really like for you to have it seven times in a year before you get the surgery. Okay, that's good. That's like the medical threshold. You can get it before that if you want. And where are you at? I am on number four or five. And how long does it take you out? It is some of the most harrowing and excruciating three days I ever have. It's really, really bad.

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32:20And what are the positive features of this new place? The positive features are I don't think it has mold. Yeah. It very well could. I really, really hope that it doesn't. Mold is so insidious and scary, and you don't really know about it. You just kind of get sick slowly. I don't think it has mold. It's really close to some things that I like that I'll tell you about off camera, I guess. It also is way bigger. I'm going to have a guest room again. Nice. I avoided having a guest room for a long time because I struggled with saying no to people. Yeah. I've gotten way better at that. So now I feel comfortable having a guest room again.

32:53Yeah. Oh my God. I was just talking to someone. I wish I remembered who it was, but they had to say like no 15 times. I was like, no, I'm having this. And they kept being like, well, that's okay. I'll just do this. And they're like, oh, no. Like they had to say it like four times. I'm so sorry. I don't understand what you're saying. I honestly, I started saying it and then I realized I don't remember any of the details.

33:16I kept pushing. What you said to me was, I was talking to this person and I don't remember who it was, but they had to say no like 15 times. And I'm like, I don't understand who, to whom, about what, in what context. No, I know. I know. Like they let a friend stay and then that friend told people, oh yeah, they let anyone stay. And so then someone hit them up and they're like, well not anyone it was just you but that other person wouldn't take a no for an answer and it was like how embarrassing yeah i don't that doesn't happen with me no i think p i think people listen to you yeah i don't like that kind of stuff yeah that would not be nice i mean you texted me last time we went to dinner and said you better dress nice and i did i put on a new dress and i think a heel lisa oh my god i texted you and aj and was like you i was like jokingly like you guys better not show up looking bad or something.

34:13Yeah, but you know that's what I'm sexually into. So I listened immediately. I wasn't trying to turn you on. Because the guy that made me crawl also told me what to wear on the day and I liked it. I wasn't trying to turn you on. I had no idea it was sexual for you. I know, I know. You never do. I wasn't trying to get you to dress anyway. No, you walked in with facial hair today and I went, oh, wow. Yeah, you said I think we could do something really special. When you saw my little stubble. Yeah. Some people don't like it. Some people are writing to me on Instagram and saying, she shaved it, I'm going to throw up.

34:38What the fuck? I feel like most of your people are positive. What is this negativity they have towards you? There's a lot of negativity towards me. It's mostly positive, though. I'm cool with it. But I like more when people are like, your facial hair is hot. I want to sleep with you. That's the cooler way to talk to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't ever talk to me in a different way than that. That's the best way to talk to me. Number one way to talk to me, got to be positive. Or I like the guy that you said was just like, hey, I'm a fan. Like your work. Can I suck your dick? And you were like, Pledge of Allegiance.

35:04And we have had a beautiful friendship since then. Really? Yeah, I talked to him yesterday. Great guy. Salt of the earth. Really good guy. I love his work. Beautiful, beautiful young man. A lot of beautiful qualities and features. I just love him. I think the world of him. I wish the best for him. Yeah. He deleted Grindr. Because you're in his life? No, no, no, no. He deleted Grindr and he texted me, don't worry, you're still on the roster. And I said, LOL, I'm not worried about that. Oh, so exciting. So exciting. Yeah. I need to get a roster. Yeah, I need to ask someone out in the world, in person.

35:35Do you want to practice? And get a roster. I know. It could be fun. We did it. We've done it on the show before. What do you mean? We've done role play on the show before. Okay, okay. It can be a really healthy exercise. Okay, how about this? I'm your SoulCycle instructor.

35:51Get up, girls! Come on! Well, you know I'm going through... Well, now I'm going through a hard time right now. What? Because Taylor Swift had an ICE detention center owner at her wedding, so... I do know that. I covered the sticker on my phone. In her defense, there's no one she didn't have at her wedding. Besides Blake Lively. I think the only reason she invited so many people is to make sure Blake Lively and Kelly Teller knew how disliked they were. Kelly Teller. Miles Teller's wife. They were best friends for a while, too. Okay. I think you're a little deep on this stuff. Yeah, no, my algorithm is new to me.

36:27It's only been one day of not listening to Taylor Swift. Yeah, so you're getting a new algorithm now. Not yet, but there's still... But I think, yeah, it's really crazy how many people were there. But the ICE detention center really, like, upset me. I know you're really upset about this because you offered to give away your cardigans in a text to me and AJ. Yeah. You said if either of you guys want my Taylor Swift cardigans, I'm done with her. Yeah. It's really tough. That's a big statement from a girl like you. I know. I might keep one of them. The 1989 one is so beautiful. It's such a good one.

36:56No. It has seagulls on the back. Do you oppose ICE or not? I oppose ICE. Yeah, it's like the homeless stuff. If you don't believe in free lunch for kids, and if you're into privatized prison, those are my hard lines. Those are just my hard lines. I can get down with a lot of other stuff, but that's pretty much the big ones. I can see a lot of different perspectives on a lot of things, but those I can't. Everyone should eat. Yeah, I've been saying. Everyone should have access to food, and no one should make a profit off prison. I really fully agree with you. You know you've got a friend in me. Yeah, and I can't believe.

37:33But if you have a thousand people at your wedding, do you kiss and say hi to everyone? I do wonder how many people you do say hi to. I think you kind of treat it like a show. Like you wait until everyone's seated, you go out, you do the thing, and then you leave through a back door. You don't think that she danced with her friends? I'm kidding, I'm sure she did. Oh, okay. Are you still writing to Luigi? No, well, he actually had some hearing. I don't know if he pled guilty or not. There's some stuff happening on, I think, one of the levels. but they're not even going to pick the jury until 2027 now.

38:05It's, like, really fucked up. And he's just in jail. This is not right. No, and, like, that's why. He has a right to a speedy trial. I know. So, wait, you think pleading guilty is on the table? It has been on one of the things, because people have been DMing me, but I've just been so busy with the World Cup that I haven't been able to function in other ways of life. Yeah, I know. Training. But I don't know why you're mad. I mean, also, Kansas City is a big part. Kansas is a huge part. They're hosting Algeria. It's been beautiful. It was cool to have Algeria. I loved the people in Lawrence talking about it.

38:32I don't like how unavailable you become when you find a new obsession. But you could join me. I'm not watching soccer. I have had to draw the line at the soccer games. I got really into the Knicks. I have been a team player. I'm drawing the line at the World Cup. Dude, I had so much fun with the Knicks. I was in Times Square. I know you were. I was in Chinatown. Wasn't it fun? It was electric. I totally loved it. The World Cup, I just can't. It's a stone too far. It's too much. Also, look, here's the reality. New York just had, in thousands of years when humanity is like almost done and aliens are here and we're coexisting, they will tell stories about June 2026 in New York City.

39:11They will still be talking about June in New York City in 2026. We had a beautiful electric magnetic month. And you want it to end. I am so tired. July needs to be a period of rest, shame, reflection, and reprioritizing, frankly. and I can't add a new bandwagon sports obsession to my plate at the moment due to everything that went down in June. I stayed out until the sun rose multiple times in June. That's not the kind of guy I am. I'm like the little fucking gay frogs from the book. I was going to pull back and then I saw someone go, it only happens once every four years. We got to lean in. And I went, you're right.

39:46And so I went in harder. The World Cup? I didn't know it only happened every four years. Yeah, and it was so fun. So I watched, I caught the Morocco game on an outdoor TV outside of a weed shop. Like on my walk, they had outdoor TVs. So I was like, oh, I'll stand and watch this game for a little bit. So New York, the halal cart guy, I would see him lock it up, run, watch a little bit. And then at commercial, run back, get in his cart. And I was like, this is the best city in the world. That's completely beautiful. It was really cool. And then I was at a bar for like nine hours. Yeah, Team Mexico.

40:15But yeah, now Norway. I've been collecting, McDonald's has been having a lot of World Cup stuff. So I've been collecting those items as well. Yeah. Okay. I'm really happy for you in some ways. I just, I don't want it to affect my time. And it has it. You've really rejected every offer I've given. You've been outward with your disgust, of course. Not disgust. I just, I think, yeah, I want to see you in a different context than that. But I also like the gay kissing. Like, I like how much they touch. There was one guy. They're not kissing. Well, no. One guy got injured and another guy from another team while he was like down there kissed him right here on the back of the neck.

40:48they jump into each other's arms they're giving each other piggyback rides I'll start sending you the gay stuff and so like now I'm about to start reading some soccer smut because I am like and then this the reason Saturday is going to be so huge is because the main hot blonde from Norway he actually plays in England so he's about to play against his best friend and all of his friends so that's going to be like huge but him and that best friend like they protect the goalies and so like he'll they like one of them is doing an interview and the other one kisses him on the cheek. Like, I just like seeing men kiss, and they do it in soccer.

41:24Yeah, I also like seeing men kiss. That is beautiful. And then there's, like, the new McDonald's cup I got with the guy from Spain. He has a little brother who's really cute. Like, I'm into all of these stories as well. Yeah. So it's not even about the game. I'm not really focused on the action of the game. I do know that you're going to find ways to make it an entire, like, cinematic universe. I do know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that you find the stories, and I love that about you. And there's a lot of corruption, of course, and then Cabo Verde. I mean, they're a tiny island, half a million people there.

41:53They got their players on LinkedIn. People were ignoring their messages, thinking it was spam. Like one guy plays second string and they changed everything. How did they change everything? Well, tourism is going to go up. Like people know where Cabo Verde is. You know what I mean? Like that's huge. But also it's like new small countries are included in this World Cup that have never been before thinking they would be easy prey. And instead, this goalie at 40 years old at his first World Cup went head-to-head with Spain, blocked 27 goals. Spain had possession of the ball 75 % of the game. He went head-to-head with Messi, who's the greatest in the world.

42:31And they're like, I was watching him as a fan. Like after the game, they all took selfies. Like they couldn't believe, he blocked Messi's shots. Like it's like playing against Michael Jordan and like going toe-to-toe and making him nervous. Like it was, and you know, to have the whole world cheer for a tiny place of people that play in club leagues. They're not even professional. They're not even professionals. And now they can have careers. Their country is going to have like so much money in tourism. It's like, cool. And they're going to get fucked. They're going to be getting fucked. They're going to work.

43:02Did they win? No.

43:12But, but tourism's up, baby. But, But they did win overall with the store. And now, hopefully, they're going to start training. So now they're going to be a competitor. They're a country of like, yeah, so small. But they won in spirit and in inspiration. And the fact that they even made it to the next round, no one saw that coming. No one saw that coming. Okay. But also just like this hot guy who's 40 just like blocking these shots. It was just, yeah, it was nice. Well, what else are you thinking about? What else is going on with you? Well, I'll talk about breakfast as well We can go back to that Thank God Are you doing breakfast?

43:49You have 80 ,000 minutes to go Are you doing breakfast? I love eggs It is probably in my top five favorite foods I love eating eggs How are you doing them? I will I like them when they're like fucking gooey as fuck With little toast points I'll do egg and cheese I'll do over easy, over medium poached I don't give a fuck Benedict in a burrito Hard boiled with a little salt I love eggs I want to start making jammy eggs. Yeah. I would never, again, I'm not making any of this. I would never do that, but. There's this restaurant in Kansas City that I love called Chewology that has these, like, Asian, it's basically an Asian deviled egg, and it is so fucking good.

44:31I think about it all the time. With, like, a chili crisp? Shout out to Chewology. Yeah, you can get chili crisp on the side, but it's, like, fried onions and, like, mmm. It's so fucking good. Oh, I was just in Houston. Their art museum is incredible. If you're ever there. The modern, I cried so many times. I've been crying a lot more since I stopped smoking weed. The emotions are so big. Yeah. But they have a Michelin star restaurant in there, and I had like a deviled egg with a row on it. It was so fucking, it was so good. What have you been crying about? Just the beauty of the paintings, the colors, like thinking about like them inventing these colors.

45:06And like, I don't know who works at the Houston Museum, but the placards were gorgeous. Like, well-written, beautiful quotes. And I just couldn't believe that my life brought me accidentally to some of the most beautiful art that's ever been created. Yeah. And then I'm having a Michelin star meal. They're like, are you celebrating something? I go, I didn't even know I was going to be here today. Just being alive. I was going to go to CVS. Like, that was my plan for the day. My plan was I forgot soap. And so I was like, I need to go buy soap and maybe I'll hit the elliptical and go to the pool.

45:38And then I was like, wait. And then 10 minutes later, I'm in a Kusama room, bawling, you know, thinking about her, like all these men stole her ideas, like everything she's been through. And now just like we're all connected in these infinite rooms of light all over. It's like, yeah, I can't believe it. Sounds completely beautiful. Yeah. I'm completely forgetting if we've talked about your feelings on the afterlife. Do you know what happens when we die? I hope something fun. I really want to have a good time. Yeah. Oh, and I've been reading, I've been crying. I read Song of Achilles, cried for like an hour and a half.

46:08You cried for an hour and a half reading Song of Achilles. And people told me that I would cry and there's a prophecy in the book so I kind of thought I knew it was going to happen and it destroyed me like everyone said and I could not stop like, you know when you, like I could not stop bawling. That's completely beautiful. Yeah, and I was impressed with the author because she went to Yale School of Drama to adapt classics to a modern audience and I go, you did it. Like you did it. You did it, bitch. Hey girl, mission accomplished. And it took her 10 years to write it. Oh, I bet. And it just was beautiful.

46:40Obviously gay. Obviously. Obviously I can't get it into a different storyline.

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50:07You didn't answer me though. You hope something fun. What fun? How would it be fun? What do you want the fun to be? I don't know. God. Because, I don't know. I really don't know. But I hope it's not just donezo. Maybe coming back with more knowledge Back to earth Maybe Yeah But I would love to float around Yeah On earth Float around Or just in the outer space Or maybe like Hopefully I'll fall in love Deeply with someone And then you get to be with Like your soulmate forever And like I don't know Do you have a faith If I could hang out with like penguins And like You can hang out with penguins Yeah I think that could totally happen I don't know I really don't I'm Jewish Well I know that And they don't believe in devil I mean they don't believe in like hell and devil.

50:50Yeah. When I say do you have faith, I mean do you believe in like Jewish God? No, I'm like a mother nature girl. Like the earth, intuition, spirits. So like my grandma on my mom's side, she would read cards for the community and so she was witchy. So I feel really like connected to her. I believe in like yeah, instincts. Like maybe Quaker. Maybe I'm a Quaker. Like God is within all of us. Aren't Quakers like really, really peaceful and non-confrontational?

51:22I'm just checking. I'm not refuting you. I'm just checking. No, you're right. That's why they were all murdered by the Puritans. Well, there's something to be said about that. Yeah. There's something to be said about that. And yeah, the Shakers and the Quakers just demolished by the Puritans. Apple Pay is the simple, secure, and fast way to pay. That's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone. Accepted at millions of places from big box stores to boutiques, you can check out with your iPhone anywhere contactless payments are accepted. Apple Pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with Face ID before you pay.

51:55And your actual card number is never shared with merchants. Add your debit or credit card to Apple Wallet to check out in seconds. Simple, secure, fast. That's Apple Pay. Terms apply. No, I think, because to me, it's like anytime we deny ourselves is when bad things happen, I think. Like anytime I have an instinct, I don't follow it, it's always a mess. And so I think instead of looking for God elsewhere, we should look for it within us. Yeah. Are your parents like that? Do your parents have a... My dad's 88. He's going to synagogue every Saturday. Yeah. Once he hit 80, it's every week's synagogue for sure.

52:30Yeah, starts to feel real important to start thinking about the next chapter. Yeah, so... And they... Well, they're like from the... They're straight from the Holocaust, so they're very tied to their faith, but it's Soviet Union, Stalin, so it wasn't allowed. So, like, it's not like they know... So, they are very connected because of tragedy, but, like, they're eating dairy and meat. Yeah. Yeah. Which I think, yeah, that seems like... But to them, it's like family. Like, I think my mom's, like, addicted to family. She really didn't have a life outside of family. Yeah. And that's why she was, like, really sad that I don't want children.

53:03And she cried one time, and I said, I think the reason you want me to have kids is once you're dead, you want me to know how much you suffered raising me. And she went, maybe you're right. And she's never brought it up again. She said, well that seems like the end of that conversation yeah but to her it's like everything for your children and grandchildren you take your kid i don't care if it's snowing you get them fresh air you cook fresh you give you feed soups to your grandkids like to her it's like family is god i feel and um that leaves her empty because we are we've all ditched her you know yeah um and then my father he's like authoritative i don't know i think he just believes in like misogyny traditional gender roles.

53:43Yeah. Misogyny is such a powerful and awesome thing to believe in. It's actually the only core tenet of most religions is subjugation of women. Yeah. That's what they all have in common. Yeah. They actually, you know, the founding fathers. But it is wild. Yeah, I like that people were fucking people with no eyes, legs, wooden teeth, like everyone's fucking. Like what you were saying. Oh, yeah. They were really open-minded to injury. I like that. disability was not such a big deal back then. It was able to happen easily. Yeah. Yeah. They talked more about, uh, they talked more about voting rights for slaves than they did for women.

54:22I'll tell you that much from what I'm hearing. They were not interested in talking about women voting at all. They're like, well, of course your husband votes for the household. And then there were like a lot of guys at the thing that were like, Hey, this slavery business is cannot continue. This got to stop. And then of course the Southerners were like, no, we won't, uh, we actually won't be involved. I just saw a clip online. that was like the South lost the battle, but they actually have won the war in terms of our culture and our country and stuff. Tell me, step that out for me because I don't know if I agree.

54:50I agree. Like, I don't think the South was punished. And I think the idea is like, like what's happening now, like we should have punished the fuck out of them, taken away everything. All slave owners should have had all of their money and assets redistributed. And like the people that are sentenced. Well, slave owners should have been executed in public. Yeah. But those people got to live and their future kin, all those people have their goods and are continuing ruining the lives of people in this nation. And like racism, like it's all still here. Like they didn't lose. I don't know if I agree with that.

55:24I think that, I do think that when we abolish slavery, I think everybody who owns slaves, of course it wasn't going to happen because many of the founders themselves own slaves. But I do think they should have been executed in public and we should have made like a showing of it. But it just, I think sometimes, I'm watching this thing just because I love documentaries, but I'm like, we really simply could never talk enough about how fucking horrific slavery was. And it, like, it was, it's not even just like, I think people just like painted in their memory as this thing where it's like, oh yeah, people worked for free.

55:56And it's like, no, it was so, so, so, so, so much worse and horrific. We should have killed all those people. We didn't. So in that way, I understand the sentiment. but uh i don't and in terms of like like environmental racism like redlining school all of it like it's still in our society well i yeah of course racism is like an inherent part of american society but i'm but not even invite but like in policy constantly yeah um like deserts it's just like it's everywhere the realty on racist white people is that it has been turned on them now like the poor white people were racist for so long because they imagined it would never the system would never disenfranchise them to the extent that it has and now it has disenfranchised them to that extent and it's because of their own actions well all of it it goes back to like college used to be more affordable and they're like wait wait no no no like and then i was re i have to read this book but it was like saying how all communities used to have pools and then when they wanted to integrate the pools they were like we'd rather close the pools so then that's why a bunch of places don't have pools because they didn't, they would rather not have it.

57:02Yeah. And that's with everything. So it's like, maybe they're getting, they're realizing they've been getting fucked, but everyone's been getting fucked. What was, what's the first thing you would do if you were leader of the free world? Number one, first thing, day one, number one action. I mean, I smiled cause I think I would do some executions. I'm anti-capital punishment, but I would sell, I would, I, yeah. I smiled because I think I would do some executions with like one of the more genuine smiles I've ever seen you have. Oh my God, Chance was talking earlier and I was smiling, but he could tell that it wasn't for what he was saying and it's because Connor's story got nominated for an Emmy today.

57:46And so I got all these text messages congratulating me for his nomination. So I've had two big smiles today. and I had a McDonald's breakfast always makes me smile. Mine is I would ban loud vehicles. You would what? I would ban loud vehicles day one. Oh, that's like a fun one. If you have a car that's intentionally loud, loud muffler, those motorcycles that like rattle the fucking buildings when they go by, I would ban them and if you tried to make a new one, you would go to prison. Needlessly loud vehicles are the most anti-social, anti-neighbor, unnecessary, dumb fuckery. I think if you have a loud vehicle you are genuinely to your bones a bad person.

58:27Yeah. I don't get it. What's the point? But what about if it's like fast and furious fun racing? Dangerous. Stupid. I hate that even worse. Having a loud vehicle is for you have the your brain is the size of a pea. I thought I was going to get you with that. Loud vehicle havers have brains the size of a pea. They're fucking morons. They are a detriment to society. I don't understand it. I do not. The only possible reason to have a loud vehicle is to annoy the people around you and you should go to prison. Not with cars. You know, I hate that door handles have shifted. Like, we used to have such good door handles.

59:02Yeah. I got into a Mustang yesterday. It was a button. I just, I don't know. No, I don't want public execution. I would do, like, I would, all children get food at school is, like, the thing I care the most about. This is a big thing for you, yeah. Well, I was on free lunch, you know, all of that. But, and my parents starved. So it's like, it's just something as children. It's just something I think about. It's something that comes up for me. My dad eats expired food in the home. I think about it a lot. But I want something fun like what you said instead of executions and like feeding children.

59:39Executions was the most Lisa answer. And I do love that. Yeah. But I am after, it's tough. It's so hard to be anti-capital punishment because I want so many people gone. I know. It becomes a real issue. It really does, because I'll read some of these heinous crimes, and I'm like, we need him. But it's like, I'm against it. I'm against it. The state should not have state funded. Oh, I'm into castrations, actually. Yeah, chemical castrations for sex offenders. That would be my first line of business as president. I don't think that makes any sense. No, I know, but it's what I believe. Italy just passed something like that.

1:00:14That's a really bad idea on the same exact basis that capital punishment is about. That idea, which is that we have a flawed justice system. Yeah. Well, we have a flawed criminal system. But not if I'm in charge. I think the criminal system would still be flawed if you were in charge. Don't you imagine? No, because I'd get everyone so much money, attention, love, therapy, education. I think there would be no crime. I really, really... But I would lock up sociopaths as children.

1:00:46No, I'm being hyperbolic But it's just hard Things are complicated I just watched Mother's Instinct Did you watch that documentary? Oh my god Crazy Crazy I've watched every documentary There's like not a documentary That I won't watch So yeah, when you hear about her It's like, yes, she should be on death row For sure But then it's like But I am against I don't know It's like really hard It is really hard That is the type of case That makes me really reconsider My opposition But I hated the husband end. I hated the husband. He's like, yeah, I like her. She does what I say and cooks and she's going to have a lot of money.

1:01:17And it's like, okay, that bothered me too. He was annoying, but he didn't commit murder. Yeah, but he enabled her. You want him to get charged? No, but it is funny because what she did was heinous. Like what she did is awful. Yeah. So I would never, but like men kill pregnant women every day, multiple times a day. and so it is this thing of like when a woman it's this horrific crazy thing but it happens daily. Yeah. Men do it all the time. Like the worst woman we know is like a chill good dude. The worst woman we know is a chill dude. Just like an average man. Yeah. Like the worst woman we know and a behavior like the worst woman is just a guy.

1:01:59You know I my theory for years I've been saying for years men are evil women are annoying. Yes. Those are the big crimes of each gender. Wait you gotta put that on merch. Men are so evil and do horrific It's not to say women can't be evil, but overall, most women are just annoying. If they have a crime at all. If they have a crime at all, it's being annoying, and that's not a big deal. I wonder if women would be less annoying with more power. I doubt it. Okay. By the way, I'm just saying, I'm not saying all women are annoying or all men are evil. Yeah. I'm saying the extremes of both gender are such that it most often falls into the most annoying person you know is a woman, the most evil person you know is a man.

1:02:36Yeah. And I say that with all the love in my heart to both genders. Yes. I love my boys. Wait, I looked at this bottle. I think also I would do more vacations for people.

1:02:49You know? Because I was thinking everyone should have clear water. You shouldn't have to pay for it. And then I was like, also, I want people in the lakes more often. And then I was like, yeah, more vacation. You're speaking to my thing in a big way. More vacation. Because everyone's like, how's everyone from the World Cup here? And it's like their countries let them chill out. Yeah, they get paid. They get to go to other places. They get to relax. They get off work. They get off work in a big way. Yeah. I think more vacations would help people. I think, yeah. I don't know if you'd want me to help you, but I think me and you in charge would be good.

1:03:19I don't trust your temperament. Yeah. To be in my administration. I worry that you would go off on side quests and do things that I don't approve of. No, I would definitely have like a SEAL Team 5 group. I worry that you would have, yeah. I would have a group of assassins. I worry that I would get a briefing that's like, Mr. President, I'm the president. It's like, Mr. President, the vice president has assembled another paramilitary group to go after her enemies. The news is pretty upset about it. And I'd be like, Lisa. Yeah, no, for sure. No, that's what my mom told me. She said I'm too volatile for a gun when I told her I wanted one.

1:03:54Because I want, like, weapons for the, you know, when shit goes down. Yeah. That is such a funny sentiment to me. A lot of my friends are on that right now. And we just are not going to win regardless. No, you're right. No, I know. But I found, I haven't ordered them yet, but there's tasers that you can wear on your knuckles. Okay. But the thing with all these weapons is you have to charge them. And it's like, the end is here. Like, what are we doing? My friend gave me, like, a pluggable light, like, things in the apocalypse. I'm like, but where will we be charging? Solar is what you should be looking into, of course.

1:04:26Yeah. You need to be looking into solar-powered stuff, guns, solar-powered, solar-powered. I've never even shot it. I don't want to. I don't want to, actually. Like I know I'm, I've never been in a physical fight. Really? No. That is shocking. I know. I don't know if you've told me that before, but it's shocking. I've never been in a physical fight. Four girls tried to beat me up one day in high school and they were like at my locker and I went, I have to get to swim practice. Are you going to hit me or not? Like, I don't know what we're going to do. And they didn't. I think people think I'm more tough than I am or something because of my mouth.

1:04:56But like, and I do stand up for people, but like, yeah, I've never, and I hope to never be in a physical fight. Do you think your attitude would change if you got hit really hard in the face one time? Do you think you would be less the way you are? Like if you like went up to someone and you're like - No, I'd be like J-Lo in the movie enough. It would like actually fuel me. Are you sure? Like if you - Just picture this. You're doing one of your classic Lisa things and you like, I don't know, a man like stands weird near you and you feel confronted by it. And you go, excuse me, we're all waiting in the line and I know you can see that.

1:05:28Do you want to tell me why you think you - and then just immediately bop. Let's make it a woman. A woman does that. Yeah. And you're like, excuse me. I think you saw there was a line here. Why did you? And she just, poof, punches the fuck out of you in the face. Do you think the next time you wanted to confront a stranger like that, you would think twice and hesitate? No, because I think I'm like delusional enough that I think I could fight back. I don't. Oh, you think you would beat that woman up? Oh, I don't want to. Brilliant of me to make it a woman. I stepped up to a woman at the bar on Sunday that bothered me.

1:05:58Okay. What did she do? I was at a Mexican spot so like the Mexico game was packed but I had a seated bar but I went to the bathroom on my way out I hear a woman go she stepped on my foot and so I heard that so in my brain I go I'm gonna buy her a shot so I turn around and I go are you okay that nice and she goes you stepped on my foot and I went well you're in a crowded bar you dumb bitch and then I walked away like and I walked away but in my head I was like I wish I could have just slammed her face on the table. Lisa. I turned around to be like, yeah, someone's going to step on your foot. There's 400 people in here.

1:06:38It's really fucking packed, yeah. That's such a crazy thing to be mad at someone about. I don't know. And I'm like, you're also standing by the bathroom. You're going to get stepped on more. People are going to be like... I don't know. How do you imagine you would have handled it? Because it made Snooki more powerful when she got popped on TV. Yeah. How do you imagine you would have handled it had your foot been stepped on? I honestly, just the, I just am like so into the world cup, but like, I just, when we're all together, like we're all together. I don't know. Cause there was another girl kind of rude to the bartender when she got a little water spilled on her and I didn't like it.

1:07:15Like when you're crowded, I don't know. I don't know. I've had a recent thing. Maybe I would have gone out. If someone turned around and went, are you okay? And a nice voice. Yeah. I would have been like, Oh my God. Yes. I think I would have like fully been like, Oh God, It's crazy in here. I would have like, uh, told, I would have been like, I'm glad she checked in on me. I do. I do want to think about this popping. Cause if a man hit me in front of other people, I think men would hope. I know they wouldn't, you know, they wouldn't men. Men don't really intervene like that anymore. If I got hit really hard, that's why I made it a woman.

1:07:49Let's not make it a personality. I didn't say help your personality. Oh, what did you, I said, do you think it would help your personality is crazy. I said, do you think it would change the way you react to stuff? I don't know, because I played football and I got the shit beat out of me. Like, I don't know. I, um, maybe, I don't know. We'd have to. We'd have to see. Yeah, if you see me out and about. If you're a woman and you want to punch Lisa really hard, let's just see if it doesn't. I'm starting boxing next week. That's good. Yeah, so we'll see how that goes. I have a weird thing going on.

1:08:20The biggest confrontations I get in revolve around biking because people are insane to people on bikes. I'm working on myself as cyclists. I'm on a city bike. but people are insane to people on bikes and also people on bikes are insane as well and it's like people are careless like i almost just opened the door and someone screamed thank god he screamed you but like yeah how quickly you could fuck someone up yeah by being careless is you kill someone in an instant yeah it's tough to think about a really interesting thing that keeps happening to me is that other fat guys when they get mad at me about biking are calling me fat ass and i'm like you are fat as fuck first of all don't call me fat ass you are also fucking fat find a different insult.

1:08:58And I yelled at a guy really bad on the, I would say this on the pod already, a guy on the night that the Knicks won the championship, me and my friends had biked into Manhattan. There was this situation where there were a million people on bikes that night. Of course, everyone's trying to go have fun. And we had gotten off the bridge into Manhattan and we were trying to turn left, but you need to get out of the bike lane so that you can wait for the light to turn so that you can cross traffic. There were like 20 cyclists there and there's maybe room for three. So like there's backup into the bike lane, but I was one of the people that had found a way off.

1:09:29And this guy, there was like this straight couple standing there on their bikes. And this guy goes, oh my God, we're huge fans. And I was like, oh, thank you so much. And then my friends had biked up behind me, all sweethearts. And they had gotten stuck in the bike lane, like sitting, trying to get off, but there was no room. And this fucking fat, ugly white guy bikes up behind them and goes, get out of the fucking bike lane. And I went, hey, they're trying their best. There's no need for that. He's like now stopped. I said, hey, they're trying their best. There's no need for that in that tone.

1:09:57Not too mean, just like relax. And he goes, shut up, fat ass. And I go, fuck you, bitch. Get off your bike. And then he kept biking. And I was like, that's what I thought. And he didn't say another word. And then this, and I would have fought him because I was like, you're being so mean right now. And you, I could tell he was weak. I know I could have hurt him. And you're famously strong. I would have just taken him to the, I would have grabbed his head like this. Kind of like I would do to Nicole if she charged me right now. if Nicole were to charge me right now or if that man were to have gotten off his bike and brought his fat ass over to my direction I would have just grabbed his head and taken him to the ground like this and put him down there so you have the same head grabbing instincts and then started just kind of we just can't go to prison but yeah if the guy on the bike or Nicole were to charge at me the way that I would place them on the ground quickly and then start hitting but then the straight guy that said he was a fan I forgot they were there so that's obviously a little embarrassing he goes you're my hero And I said, that's pretty cool.

1:10:53I keep thinking about getting, I'm trying to think where I'd get hit. Like where my, where my. You get hit in the cheek. Where, no, no, no. Like where am I? Am I in line? Am I out and about? Like, cause what would make me mad enough that I would engage with someone that I think would be threatening to me? And it's like, I think I'd try to, like, I'm trying to think. Cause I think most of the people I engage with deserve it. I think you genuinely, generally, I think you're on the right side of things. Yeah. I've been wrong, but then I always come around even if I'm slow. Yeah. I think your approach sometimes, it could get you hit.

1:11:26I know. I'm surprised you haven't been hit. I'll be honest about that. I know. I'm totally surprised by that. I know. I'm glad you've never been hit. I am surprised that no one's ever just been like, I'm going to hit this bitch. I just remembered someone punched me in the shoulder, but I guess, but like, without the face, it's like, what are you going to do? No, you got to hit someone in the face for it to matter. Or stomach. Or stomach. Stomach's the worst, actually. I don't know. I just, I hope not. I hope not. That you never get hit? Yeah, I do. Wait, oh, this is such a popular podcast. Can I do a plea to the internet?

1:11:56Of course. I really want to be in Mortal Kombat 3. So if you're working on the next one, please, I have a good idea. What's the idea? Okay, listen to this. So you know how like you go into the Mortal Kombat realm with the lightnings? Yeah. So then I'm just like kind of like a fun waitress and I see the lightning and I go, whoa. And then I enter. And then I immediately get killed.

1:12:22I kind of want you to dream bigger. Or I run a little bit. But I think it would be so funny and shocking. Or maybe I can run a little bit and then get, you know. But I don't think someone regular like me would survive in the Mortal Kombat. And so I want to be, like, grounded in reality. I want you to give yourself more lines than just Waitress who says, whoa. I do want you to aim for, if you are somebody who can make this happen in Mortal Kombat, I do want you to give Lisa more lines than whoa. Okay, yeah, okay. I'll take that. I want that for you. Are there any other things you want to play for while you have the audience?

1:12:49This will probably get a fair amount of views and listens. Oh, yeah. I would love if anyone can show the guys from Heated Rivalry my Simpsons thing that I made. Because I recreated all of Heated Rivalry scene by scene using images from the Simpsons. It took me about four days. It's so good. And I'm really proud of it. And I pinned it. So it's just on the top of my Instagram. Okay. So you just want those guys to see that? Yeah. Yeah, I think they would be touched by the thoughtfulness I put into it. Okay, that's beautiful. And the attention to detail. Guys, if you don't mind, if you could just start tagging the Heated Rivalry guys in Lisa's Simpsons remake of their show, that would be beautiful.

1:13:35I think that's something we could do for you. You're a beloved member of the community. Yeah. Someone listening to the show knows those guys and could slip it to them for sure. Someone listening right now has their phone number. And the cottage is split into two collages. So, like, you think you're done, go to, there's 13 total slides. What's so true to you, Lisa? I've been thinking about this for days. Like, it's so stressful. And what is so true? I'm, like, still getting, I'm still, like, stuck on getting punched somewhere. You know what I mean? I know. I really accidentally, there's, I think I've made potentially two mistakes in this episode.

1:14:09One was bringing up the Founding Fathers Like a third time And then getting us sort of on a track Talking about like whether or not the country is Like whether or not the Confederacy ultimately won That was one misstep in the episode I know I also have to stop talking so serious About things that I've read like one paragraph from You know like that You did say I need to read this book And then went in pretty passionately On what you think is the thesis of it Yeah Which is something I love about you That was one potential misstep in the episode No talk about the Founding Fathers I just don't know something about it So if I don't know something I don't like it The other misstep You and the founding fathers have a lot in common.

1:14:41The other misstep obviously was bringing up whether or not you think you would change if you got punched in the face. But are you inspired by the founding fathers? Or did you just like... I am inspired. There are things about the founding of this country that I find radical. Yeah. Do I think highly of any of those people? Obviously not. but do I think bucking imperial rule and founding your own country and choosing to have it be a democracy when you could have just made your own monarchy. Yeah. I think there are some elements of that that are very interesting. Yeah. And I think there are, there are elements of any revolution that I think are inspiring and interesting.

1:15:19I'm more inspired by the people than the like, than like George Washington or something. But I think it's really silly to write off that entire process and what has come to be like actually one of the most consequential revolutions in the history of the world uh not the most but one of certainly i think america's like status in the world at this point for better or for worse points to that being like incredibly consequential so yeah there there are things about um that period of time and some of the people who participated that i find inspiring yeah you know yeah fuck yeah fuck the king fuck the king and i i i go back because the fourth of July just happened.

1:15:58I've been thinking a lot again, as I do every year about how I feel about this country. Well, I saw someone in my stories looking at the declaration of independence and they were crying and I cry at art. So like, I understand, but I was like, what? I don't cry if you were in the room with it. Certainly not. But there, I get it. I think like there's a part of me that's like, I don't know, spend some time like watching something about it and thinking about what actually happened. And I don't know there. I get it. No, I would not. I don't feel that way about this country or its founding documents uh for the obvious reasons but i don't know i think about whether or not i love this country all the time and i think i actually do and i think that's a kind of an unpopular opinion no i think that's why the world cup also it's like people having fun going to these cities and being like oh i'm having a nice time with these americans that i thought were all like evil and gun and crazy you know i love americans i've always said that i love americans i think we're awesome i really really love us i completely love americans i think we're great america the government is obviously not a thing i'm like a big on i'm not like loving what we're doing yeah or have ever done but i love americans and i love like the land of this country and i'm so then i think does that mean you love the country like what does it mean to love a country well you know what it means i think mom donnie did this where it's just like i feel proud to be in new york city i feel cool like i feel like awesome he's doing cool things so like Like that, if that was everywhere, like that would be great if people had leadership like that.

1:17:24Yeah, and also America. Like he makes me feel so good. I feel good about New Yorkers. I don't feel good because of Mom Donnie. I feel good about New Yorkers. I feel good that New Yorkers elected a person who shares those kind of values. Mom Donnie to me. I like he's a little petty too. I like it. I like Mom Donnie plenty. I don't, he's not the reason I love New York. No, I didn't say that. I know, but there is a feeling going on right now that I'm not liking the Mom Donnie-stan shit. That's not cute to me. I'm not enjoying the, like, fangirlification of Mom Donnie. I bought a candle with his face on it.

1:17:56I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I was blackout. I have to talk to the store because I also spent$42. Because I go in there constantly into blackout, and then I'm like, okay, I spent$45 on stickers, and they can't keep allowing me to do this. They need to start turning you away. They do. But I just can't But I go in there drunk because I love it in there Random accessories 4th street but they gotta Put a stop to it So anyway but the point is my second mistake Was bringing up the punch it clearly affected you And now what is so true to you What is so true to me Being a regular Is the best And it is worth Time and effort and you shouldn't ever Expect prizes for being a regular the experience in and of itself is it like but yeah knowing everyone's name having a place waving to the mailman like having just a final beer before you go home or just right when you wake up just fresh out of bed even too i think can be a beautiful part of being a regular somewhere just to stop the shaking.

1:19:08And all of the bartenders, and then you know all the bartenders. I think just like knowing the people at your spots, having your spots, loving the food, like definitely go to new places. But like I just find I've always wanted to be a regular. And now that I have that at these certain places, it just feels awesome. My whole life I knew I wanted to be a regular. Yeah. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be a regular. Yeah. It's beautiful. I love being a regular. Yeah, just a place to, like, people keep talking about these third spaces, and it's like, you can if you put your time and effort.

1:19:44And then you get to know the other regulars, and, you know, you're all, the laptop, how was this? And I just, like, I, yeah, I don't hate small talk. Like, I like it. Yeah. I did fight people. There were people talking about AI, and I got involved. and then I go, well, you guys are nerds and losers. That's actually pretty tame for you. And he goes, well, you don't have any grace. What did he say? Grace? I go, I'm not here to have grace. And he goes, yeah, that's obvious. And then I got tense and I go, you guys can go back to your combo. Everything's fine. Go back to loving AI. No worries. No worries.

1:20:22Yeah. But I like seeing the same people. It just feels great and I hope that everyone finds a spot. Or like my brother-in-law was a regular somewhere. And my sister went to get him caught. And she just showed a photo and goes, whatever he gets. And they just knew. That's really cute. Yeah. And just feeling chill, relaxed, a place to do work. I love it. It means so much to me. It's embarrassing how much it means to me. Not embarrassing. I love it about you. And I have a question for you. And I loved when we went to that one spot that I loved. I'm sorry. You're going to have to give me more. I could give the name.

1:20:58Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like loved the, you know, the bartender. We had our fun. Like I just like, I love it. It's really fun. I want to be a regular in more places. I want to expand my regularity. Even though like I'm at a comedy club, so it's like a little bit of my job. But just I love being able to go there whenever I want to. Like just going to the cellar and having some hummus. It's really fun going back to a place that you perform a lot. Yeah. And the staff remembering you and like just having a relationship with people is like, oh my God, it kind of feels like home. Yeah, it feels like home.

1:21:29and then everyone else is a loser. No. Yeah, I love the bar because I've been reading. Oh, also reading is awesome. And I can't believe I missed out. Whatever was servicing my life, I needed that. But like all the posters were right. Reading has changed my life. All the posters were right is killing me, Lisa. Reading has changed everything. Yeah, we're about to change our life again. We're going to play a game. Yes. You ready? Yes. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. Lisa, if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars.

1:22:00And I know you're really into the speed, but I don't like that element of this. Well, you're going to need to get locked in a little bit. For whom the bell tolls was written by F. Scott Fitzgerald. The bell tolls. What is that? For whom the bell tolls. False. False. It was Ernest Hemingway. The San Antonio Spurs won their last NBA title in 1999. Yes. False. Against the Knicks or was it 2000? 2014. Oh, they've won again. Okay. Neptune has seven moons. False. False. 16. Force equals mass times acceleration Yeah, true True Jill Wampler is the current mayor of Skokie, Illinois Fuck no Oh, it is actually No, no I think false I'm a Jan fan She's just the representative Jill Wampler is the current mayor of Skokie, Illinois He is I'm asking I'm saying false Yeah, it's false And tennis Oh, okay Octopuses have no bones Ooh, yeah, true.

1:22:58True. Europe is the smallest continent by land mass.

1:23:04True. False, Australia. The first use of a submarine in a war was the American Revolution. False. True. The human body has 12 pairs of ribs. 12 pairs. So that would be 24. We have 24 ribs? No, false. True. But I just touched them all. The fairest of them all was Dolly Parton's first album False False, hello I'm Dolly A pentagon has six sides Penta, false False, five Tigers have striped skin Interesting or is it the fur that is striped Is that the question? I'm gonna say false It's true Sabrina Carpenter was born in Yemen Oh

1:23:48Okay, true False, Pennsylvania

1:23:55All isosceles triangles have two equal angles Yes True Lottie's pub is closed on Sundays What club? Lottie's pub Is closed on Sunday False False How'd she do? Nine Really? Oh Lisa Damn I thought I was rolling You did really good I love Lottie's I would have tater tots there weekly Tuesdays at the open mic I know you would I knew the octopus I should have known that Sabrina Carpenter was not born in Yenny.

1:24:26But in my head, I was like, well, maybe they were on vacation or, you know, her dad might work in Big Oil. Like, you know, I didn't know. Completely. But also submarines in the American Revolution. Is that like, was it wooden? Like, what was that? Did you watch that documentary, by the way? What documentary? About like, he's like Elon Musk type of like weird sciencey guy. and he was building weird things and a journalist came to write about him and then he took her out in the submarine and then tied her up, tortured her, murdered her in the submarine. What? Yeah. What happened? He killed her in the submarine?

1:25:02A journalist? Yeah. Why? How'd they find out? So, well, they found her. Well, she went in with him and then didn't come back out and then they started finding bits of her body in the water. but then they found all of his journals and he just wanted to torture and murder so bad for so long and he was actually going to do it to his girlfriend but she wasn't available that day. And so like this girl was doing the article and so they went down together and I just... Because one of my biggest fears of course is being like locked in a room and being tortured for a long time and no one finding me. I think about that a lot but then...

1:25:39Yeah, at that point you got to just hope to die quick. You're like, let me die quick. There's a lot of being in the submarine, like truly knowing there's nowhere to go. And no one to hear. Nothing to do. Wow. That makes me want to throw up and cry. It's so scary. But that might be a doc that you might want to watch. I don't know if I can. That one sounds a little too... I will. I will. If you handled mother's instinct, I think you could do this. I don't know, man. That's really tough. Also, her being a journalist, she just wanted to get her story. That makes me want to fucking throw up. Yeah. Men are really scary, huh?

1:26:07Mm-hmm. Really, really scary. I feel really bad for people that have to deal with men. Yeah. I mean, obviously, I also have to deal with men, but in a way where it's like, I don't think they're going to put me in the submarine and do that kind of stuff. No. I had a big fear in high school, though. One of my big fears about being on Grindr and stuff like that in high school. Now I'm laughing about Sabrina Carpenter being more than you. I know. She's not from Yemen, and the woman in the submarine is resting in peace, and I just hope she's somewhere awesome. I hope she's in heaven. But we'll finish what you were saying.

1:26:40I'm sorry. Being on Grindr in high school scared me because I read stories about people being like, oh yeah, they went to someone's house for a hookup and then they got like tortured and killed. And so that was a big scary part of my like, I really thought everyone who messaged me was trying to torture and kill me for a while. No, fucking strangers is definitely, there's a risk involved. It's really scary in rural Missouri. You drive 40 hours to someone's house in the middle of nowhere and you're like, okay, this was a long days and nights journey to get some sex. And then all they could just torture and kill you.

1:27:06That's like, wow, I was like complaining about going to Prospect Lafrette's Garden. I was like, Jesus Christ. Am I this desperate for sex? But I was. Yeah, you went to PLG about it. Yeah. Went to PLG about some dick. Went to PLG. That's crazy. Went to Prospect Lafrette's Gardens about some dick. Yeah. So many people before you have made that journey. I know. Yeah. But. Well, my next journey also is to be like, men have to pay for my cars. I'm not paying for any more cars. If you're having sex with me, you have to pay for the car. If you can't afford to send someone home in an Uber, you can't afford to fuck.

1:27:35And that's what happened. That's the rules, especially if they live cross-borough. Yeah, it costs me a lot of money. Put people in an Uber. Yeah, so I think that's new because then my other friend had a hookup. She was leaving where we were hanging out to go hook up, and he got her cars there and back. He knew she was hungry, ordered a pizza. I go, I need this. Yeah, that's really nice. I need more effort. That's really, really nice. Yeah, you've got to be sending people home in a car if you're sleeping with them. Yeah. In New York City, I'm sorry. That's just like, come on. Yeah. It's like your cum is still on my body.

1:28:08Like, right. I have to order my own car. I should have said something. You need to. But I'm new. You're new. I'm new to reading. I'm new to fucking. I'm like new to so much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel it's like my, um, my new, my renaissance. It's a total Lisa-sance right now. We're in the Lisa-sance. Yeah. With New York. I was kind of turned. I didn't know that you would hate Mom Donnie the way you did. Um, I thought we would bond over that. I do not hate Mom Donnie. That's not what you took from that. Don't play it like this. No, being in New York right now in this environment and everything, it feels like people want to fuck.

1:28:42I hope I'm married by the end of the year. I don't hate Mom Donnie, by the way. No, I know, I know, I know. Do you know what I mean, though? No, the pop culture people, we can't celebrate politicians like this. There are public servants and they need to get to work, but he's doing the work. He's doing great. I'm really proud of the results. I'm so glad he's our mayor. And he's representative of all of us in this other beautiful way. But we gotta stop like, yeah, putting his like airbrushed face on t-shirts and shit. Because we, there really might come a point where we have to hold him accountable.

1:29:09And how are we going to do that when we've made him like a fucking like prayer candle deity or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's as embarrassing as being like a Trump stan. I will say I have candles of Ab Fab, Mariska Hargitay, Andy Cohen. I have a lot of these prayer candles. I don't like that either, but it's a different thing to me. Yeah. Mariska I'm randomly okay with. Which one? Mariska. Yeah. I saw her on Broadway. Oh, I have another so true. Do it. Keep your fucking mouth shut when you're going to see a Broadway show.

1:29:38Yeah, totally. It's this poignant show about like suicide and all the, every brilliant thing or like all the things that hopefully are worth living for and what you could do to help, even though it's never enough for the people that are so sad on the inside. It's like this beautiful show. Yeah. And there is audience participation and she's about to do the last line of the show. and she goes one million and some bitch yells out meeting Mariska Hargitay and then an applause breaks out because no one knows what's happening and then Mariska has to wait to then do this final line of her show that's supposed to be like what life's all about and it just people are insane it's I it truly like I ended up walking 45 blocks because I was like so upset that is really nuts That is really, really nuts.

1:30:31Yeah. Behave. Just shut up. You're not on the stage. You're not the performer. You're not the performer. This is what so many people need to internalize. You are not in the show for a reason. Sit there and watch it or don't go. And to interrupt at this, the clear end of this play. I don't know. People are a little teary-eyed. It's these moments. And I just couldn't believe it. And I wonder if she went backstage and was like, that fucking bitch. Of course she did. Of course she did. That's the thing I would really tell these people is, when you behave like that, the people that you're in love with her, she's going backstage and being like, well, that fucking idiot ruined the night.

1:31:09They're going backstage and talking about how annoying you were. I promise you, I've seen it a billion times. Yeah, and it's like, I don't know. It was just, I don't know. But that's always happened. Because I remember I saw Ben Harper at the Chicago Theater in my late teens, maybe. And he sang a cappella at the edge of the stage. no music, no mic, no nothing. And someone kept being like, love you, love you. And it's like, I don't get it. Because I was going to blame COVID, but it's always been a thing. No, no, no, it's not COVID. It's something else. Narcissism, what? I guess maybe. I don't know what it is because I would never do something like that.

1:31:44Never. In a million years. I would never in a million years think to do something like that. I just don't get what would possess you. I don't understand, but maybe that's because I get my kicks in another way. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with you. Maybe they've never been out of the house. Maybe they were like Nell and then they got taken to a Broadway show like the day after they got rescued or something. I have no clue. I have no fucking clue. Yeah, it's hard to be Nell. It's like you were raised by wolves in a barn or something and now you've been reintroduced to society.

1:32:10Honestly, I think wolves would quiet down. I don't think wolves would be... Wolves know when to be stealthy. Yeah. The wolves would chill out. Lisa, this was a beautiful episode. This was beautiful. Thanks for having me back. Thrilled to be a three-peat guest. Yeah. pissed that the Spurs won in 2014. Pissed that Sabrina Carpenter wasn't born in Yemen. That was like a softball one, too. I know. Chance actually took it kind of easy on you. He likes you more than other guests. What did he give you? He gave you like the isosceles triangles one. I know. He also gave you a really easy one that I actually, I remember thinking he likes Lisa more than other guests.

1:32:43Which one was it? Oh, octopuses have no bones. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, because I know that they have nine brains and three hearts. I know a lot. Yeah. Chance likes you more than other guests. And he really gave me that softball question, and I went, who knows what her parents were up to. It's completely fair. You did a beautiful job. Do you want to tell people where they can find you and how they can support? At Glitter Cheese on Instagram, and I have a website. I'm live on the road. Tickets available at all times. I don't think I've ever sold out in my life, so buy a ticket. Buy a ticket.

1:33:17I'm all over the nation playing at strip malls from coast to coast, so check that out. And we have fun. It's a good show. And I'm on season three of Survival of the Thickest, my Simpsons heated rivalry thing. And I have a podcast that's messed up, an SVU podcast. And I have a Netflix special, which is my life's work, actually. And I don't know why I said it last, but it's called Night Owl. Shot in New York City. Did I plug too many things? You did great. I love you, babe. Love you. Oh, and me and Jalen Brunson have the same birthday, just so everyone knows. Apple Pay is the simple, secure, and fast way to pay.

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