Matteo Lane Returns

25:27And he learns that he can get health insurance or his pension or something if he has a gay partnership. Oh. For some reason. And they decide to enter into a fake gay partnership to get the benefits that he needs. And Adam Sandler, of course, is a playboy. He loves ladies. But they have to be gay. And so then there's a guy who works for the government, Steve Buscemi, who's trying to out them as a fake gay couple. Yeah. As a fake gay couple. Jessica Biel is their lawyer that's trying to help them get gay married convincingly. And, yeah, they have to, like, learn everything about each other and make a fake life together.

26:05Well, it has a 15 % on Rotten Tomatoes. They're wrong. And I think I'm on your side. They're wrong. I think this kind of slop, schlack, what is it, schlock? Is that the word I'm looking for? Yeah. This sort of shit comedy from the early aughts is coming back. I think that this now went from offensive to this is our new Shakespeare. I genuinely like it. I would watch it. Oh, my God. I can already see Rob Schneider doing something wildly offensive. Rob Schneider, Asian character that, of course, we should not be having in there. Rob Schneider is going to hell when he dies. I opened for him at Caroline's years ago, and he almost fired me on the spot.

26:45This is like 2013, and I was like an up-and-coming comic. And they were like, can you – because Caroline used to be a headlining club. And they were like, can you host for Rob Schneider this weekend? And in my head, I'll take anything, you know? Yeah. And I put on a suit, and I look like shit, and I don't wear suits. I hate today wearing suits. Yeah. And I just bombed so hard for the Rob Schneider audience. And he was screaming at me off the side of the stage to get the fuck off the stage. No, he was not. Yeah, he was. While you were on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, get the fuck off the stage.

27:14I mean, to be fair, I was absolutely not the right fit for the show. Yeah. And that's my only. Oh, and then I met him years later. I did the David Spade show on Comedy Central. And he was sitting next to me. Or, you know, it's like those jokes. You're making jokes at those shows. Anyways, he looked at me. He goes, you're very, very funny. What's your name? Where were you from? And I didn't want to say you fired me at Caroline's when I wore a suit. Yeah. But that's my memory of Rob Schneider. And he was wearing that outfit from that movie. You don't want to be good at opening for Rob Schneider.

27:44No. No. I don't like his audience. He's a fucking hack and a freak. He's terrible. But you know when you're 26 and you live in a toilet and you're trying to perform and they're like, do you want to open for Rob Schneider? And I was like, awesome. And then I bombed. Yeah. I don't think they like gay people. No, I don't think they do. I don't think they do. Lesson learned. He's doing like mega rallies and shit now. Is he? Oh, yeah. I don't really. That was the last time I ever experienced anything with Rob. He's one of those. It's an interesting thing that's happened to him. That's happened to a couple of celebrities in the Trump era, which is they're so hard up for celeb endorsements that like they're reviving the careers of like practically dead bodies.

28:23People like Rob Schneider and Kid Rock who haven't done anything meaningful ever if in decades. And yeah, he's like now he's a big mega guy and he's only gotten deeper into it because it's the only thing that's working because he's not talented. And so now we're all having to sort of deal with that. Right. Well, not us. They can deal with that. I mean, that's what they're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

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31:44it is so funny i just saw a clip of carolyn levitt the uh 28 going on 70 young woman that uh is trump's press secretary going on 70 she has the worst lip filler in the country which is a lot to say she has a 60 year old husband who she has a kid with and during 60 her husband yes and by the way mind you she the clip was her saying very earnestly you know i think president Trump has made being Republican cool again. Girl, you're busted as fuck. You're married to a 60-year-old. You're praising your boss on national television. There's nothing less cool than this. I was going to say, when you're that big of a suck-up, like anything, they're like, Trump yesterday said someone deserves to die.

32:29And then she'll be like, and you're an idiot for even thinking. I'm like, how are you trying to spin this on us right now? We all see what you're doing. And they think they're so good at it. And it's like, no, the people who like you are just stupid. Like, they're like, they literally will be like, so President Trump said one of the most, you know, vile things we've ever heard yesterday. And she goes, the fact that you would try to distract from the president's America first agenda. It's like, you're not slick, you stupid bitch. You look horrible and you're dumb. She's working on fear. Like, they're all working on fear, right?

32:58They're stepping into a position that they know they don't want to be in, but they want some kind of power. And so they put their, it's all ego, ego, ego. but they're functioning basically on fear. She knows that her life is really on the line here. Like her job is on the line. So she just has to, it doesn't matter what Trump does or says, it's just he's fine and good and you're an idiot. She's just gaslighting everybody, but she's gaslighting herself. And that will end as everything does with him. It'll all end in shit. He ruins every relationship he ever has. And then they turn around and say he's a monster and no one cares.

33:30That's why I think Marjorie Taylor Greene is the most compelling figure in American politics right now. Isn't it wild? It's crazy because she's in one breath being like, yeah, I was wrong. Donald Trump's a fraud and he's never going to do the things he said he would do. And also we have to put trans people in prison. I know. It's like psychotic whiplash of like the coolest thing you've ever heard. And then the most evil immediately. Because we have to be careful on our side too. Like even if someone is starting to like say things that we agree with, like we also have to like look and see what they're actually voting on before we jump ship and be like, she's one of us now.

34:02It's like, no. You know what I mean? She's just a crazy lady who is kind of coming around to the fact that she was lying to herself and many others. Also, you should feel bad about supporting Trump. You should feel that you got duped. But if you don't like trans people, it's a fuck you. It's a no-go. That's the thing is she's supporting this anti-trans bill right now. And I'm like, okay, so. And three Democrats voted for it or something? Well, the Democrats are fucking hopeless. I mean, what does it even mean at this point? I can't. Same. But yeah, I don't fucking get it. But yeah, she randomly will say some of the coolest things I've ever heard.

34:35And it's really confusing and distracting. There's a lot of people that just don't know who they are, but they really want attention and fame and to feel that they belong and the sacrifices they make to get to that place. Unfortunately, especially in Washington, I think a lot of them don't realize that there's a lot of people's lives in their hands. I think they're still thinking for themselves. They're lobbyists. They like that attention. but I'm like I don't think you're really interacting with the people that you're either voting for or against and maybe you should also part of the issue in American politics is that people who represent a small district in Georgia of a very homogenous small district in Georgia get by virtue of our fucked up media ecosystem and our like politician worship thing that we have been doing for God knows why way too long way too long and who knows why and I also don't like it when we do it with leftists either but by virtue of that now this person who represents a tiny little homogenous district in a state like georgia has like national media attention that doesn't make any sense well i think that's the other problem too is everything on the fringe is sort of what each side goes for and most of the things in the middle are the things that need to be worked out and no one really talks about it because it doesn't get them views it doesn't get them clout it doesn't get like these 50 year old senators are basically the same as a 13 year old tiktoker they're just doing it saying what they can to get on MSNBC or Fox and talk and you know I get the next votes and it's kind of oh I didn't think that's what you were elected for but that's cool I didn't think that's really why you were there I do love that guy I never remember his name but that fucked up ugly crazy old psycho from like Louisiana no not John Belushi what was his name no what's his name what's his name I was just talking about Nick the other day he was in he's the guy that goes like I'm not saying you're the dumbest person alive but you better hope to say the dumbest person alive doesn't die Like he's like He has like all these like Witticisms And he's on the news He's on the news Being like I think Hillary Clinton's the reason They got directions on shampoo bottles You know like He's insane But he's really funny He's funny in a way Gary Busey I was gonna make a joke about You said crazy And I was gonna make a joke It's ruined But um Fuck it's over No I Anyway It's hard to separate the artist From the The person from the artistry So to speak But there is something great About just watching a bunch of idiots.

36:56For sure. Yeah. It's a lot of fun. I like someone who's like genuinely crazy but like really does enjoy like he's like an old school southern nut job that like just loves the performance of it all. You know, he just really wants to get a joke off at the coffee shop. He's not at the gas station. Do you think he stole a book at a coffee shop ever? I'm so distressed. Do you think he came in as an accuser? I'm so distressed by that to this moment. I want everyone to know that I wasn't able to get this position for a long time because I had on my record that I was accused You're sticking a cookbook from a coffee shop And I ain't never gonna forgive them Sons of bitches You killed that Thank you The way that you kind of rolled through that was very You kept it going in a very correct way I could do a lot of different accents But I can't do like I can't make myself straight If I make myself straight accent I have to pretend I'm my friend Evan Williams The comedian Evan Williams That's the only way it can be straight Yeah man what's up Ew ew ew turn it off Don't do the lip thing Don't do the lip thing I know But he doesn't have lips Mateo no No He's gotta talk like that Turn it off But I can't Dude No Ew Stop I'm gonna throw up Mateo don't I'll be Liza I don't like I like that better Yeah I like you as Liza My current favorite Liza quote Is she was talking about The look for cabaret And she goes So I was Talking to my dad I said Do I have to Pluck my eyebrows Or dye my hair blonde He said No no no no no darling And he pulled a book and he showed me Lea DePucci and Louise Guam.

38:28And he said, there's a way you can do this.

38:36When are you going to do Broadway? I would love to do Broadway, but can I be honest with you? Eight shows a week? No. I'm old. I'm almost 40. And I just did five shows in Madison, which I rarely do anymore. But I was like, I'm working on new material, so I'm going to pick up a club before this theater, blah, blah, blah. And so I did five shows. And by the end, I was like, I am fucking exhausted. And Evan was like, yeah, you're not 25 anymore. Like, five shows back to back to back in between. Like, I'm tired. How old is Evan? Evan's 37. Okay, good. I didn't want him talking to you that way. No, no, no.

39:07And we came up in comedy together, so he knows. Good. But eight shows a week, that's... Oh, can I tell you the most New York thing I ever heard? Tell me right now. I saw... And I'm sorry to cut you off. You didn't. Okay. I saw Audra McDonald in Gypsy. And she was phenomenal. And I went to the two o 'clock show. Sooner she has an eight o 'clock show that night. So the difference between a New Yorker watching a Broadway show and a tourist is this. We're leaving and everyone's kind of stuck together getting out of the theater. And a tourist said, she was so amazing. That was unbelievable. I feel so blessed to have seen her performance.

39:42New Yorker right next to her. She has to do this again.

39:49I'm exhausted. Yes. Yeah. I don't know how they do it, Mateo. I literally, because here's the biggest thing I've learned about myself, and I probably need to change. Maybe there's some kind of medication or routine I need to go on. But I need medically the ability to change my schedule every day at any given moment. I need it. I need the ability to go, I'm not doing it. I mean, these poor people suffer from this every week. I'll be an hour out from something I've promised to do, and I'll go, we have to push it. It's not the mood today. I need to be in a robe. I need to be like pushing engagements I need to be having a Dr.

40:25Pepper and a wine glass I can't be Doing two shows a day It's a lot It's crazy It is a lot Tour's hard for me and I get to choose what I say up there I mean I can't believe But don't you also like I don't do the show Like I do weekends because I need time away from my Like I get sick of my jokes If I do two shows in a night And then I have to fly to another city and do another show Like that's just the weekend by like the third or fourth show like i'm i'm tired of my jokes i need some freshness so you want to be away from it so if i'm doing a broadway show every day it's like don't you ever see alpha buzz sometimes on broadway like you'll see her defying gravity and you're like aren't you exhausted of this shit yeah you know i mean so if you care to find me like that's how it feels yeah oh but memorizing lines is so hard i know i just i just had the hardest i we just filmed my movie in Chicago and I am in every single scene and have like long dialogue in a lot of them.

41:20How did you do it? It was so fucking hard. Yeah. I tried to do most of it before the movie to just be like I helped that I co-wrote the script so like some of it was in there sometimes but it was really hard. But when you do like I was in a movie called Maintenance Required and I played and um Have you played that role before or after? No this was new for me and I I was really uncomfortable at first but I thought you know what i'm really gonna like like dig deep down and see what i can find um and turns out uh working at michael's arts and crafts really helped uh oh i want to talk about heated rivalry in a minute um but anyhow i i my lines were always like girlfriend you know like that right thing right and even that was hard yeah even playing for me i was like god this is a lot of lines to memorize how he says yeah i truly someone at a party recently was like oh my god i it was maybe like last year they're like i saw your i had i was in two little films that were short films that were at um sundance i don't can't remember if it was sundance they were at a festival one was at sundance and two were another one i don't remember what but someone at a party said to me like oh i just saw your short film at the festival i said oh was i gay best friend or gay assistant because those were the two that i was and i was like the only roles that you get like because i'm not i mean i'm not an actor by any means but like when you get like auditions like my agent will be like this we think this one's a really good one for you and then when it is a gay role the gay role is written by like a straight guy who is what he thinks a gay guy is i'm like i'd rather ai which i don't even stand by like i'd rather dry up a town to get somewhat of a you know i mean instead of this sort of like girl i can't even believe that that's the you know what i mean just like this sort of like you know like movies like how they talk now it's not really how they talk yeah you know it's like how was your weekend what if you consider me going into the airport for four hours and then having to stand there behind the most mustardy smell person I've ever met my entire life.

43:15I suppose you say that my weekend was all right. Wait, that is literally what they're like now. Yeah. I'm like, that's not how they talk. Like, what is this? I'm trying to fix it. Please. I'm trying to fix it. Please. They need to have more cuss words as well. People cuss. They just need to listen to humans. I don't know. Like what, like what, that's like the most basic research. Like just, they need to take their headphones off at like a coffee shop if they're not stealing a book and listen to other people talk. Mateo, I didn't steal it. I was vindicated. I'm one of your accused. I don't know.

43:44You seemed nervous when I came in. I was. That's the crazy thing. I literally, do you know what's crazy about me is I was like, this is a small business that I love. There was a part of me in my head that went, did I grab a book? Like, there's one where I was like, maybe I accidentally, like it was like in the bag or something. Like I was like. I think that's a sign that you're an empathetic person and you care that you were self-reflective enough to look at yourself and say, did I steal a cookbook while getting coffee? Do you know what I mean? That means you're like a good person. Are you in therapy?

44:13Yeah. Really? Are you kidding? Once a week? Yeah, once a week. Hour? Yeah, one hour. One hour a week. Yeah. Guy or girl? Guy. Older? Yes. Gay? Yes. How's it going? Good. Yeah? He's really great. What are you talking about in there right now?

44:32Honestly, we're talking about right now, like I'm very insecure I'm really sensitive I'm just a very sensitive person so trying to work through stuff like that. I do know that you're very sensitive which I love about you. Insecure kind of surprises me. What are we insecure? How is that showing up? It shows up more in personal life I feel like with friendships or relationships or you know I really want to people please and I'm afraid everyone's mad at me like very classic signs of like trauma and And on stage and in work, I'm like the opposite. Like I've taken that kind of weakness. Now we're doing like inside the actor's studio.

45:10But you know, like when you're on stage, the vulnerability is a strength. And so I feel more like, I don't know, more confident. Like I always feel confident on stage. That's where I feel the most comfortable and confident. And then off stage, I'm like, did I hurt someone's feelings? I'm always worried about hurting someone's feelings. Yeah. That's so interesting. I don't think... You're so thoughtful and sweet. I don't think you would really hurt anyone's feelings ever. Do you? Have you recently? There's jokes I've made and people will write me and be like, this really was offensive. Oh, I'm talking about in real life.

45:43Oh, in real life? No, not really. I mean, I will go off on people in public. Like, I am from Chicago and I am Italian and I am gay. So that's a terrible combination. And I will scream at people in public sometimes. But besides that, no, I'm really nice. I had a moment yesterday where Brittany Broski was in here recording an episode. I love her. I've never met her, but she's great. You guys need to hang out. Yeah, I would love to meet her. She's brilliant. She's so funny and so smart. And so you guys will love each other. Actually, do you need to make that happen? I would love it. We were standing on the street.

46:08We had gotten lunch and we were a little stoned. We were very stoned. And two things happened at once. This guy, we're on the sidewalk where people walk. And it's important for the story that we all agree on that. A man on a bike is biking towards us. And he goes, excuse me, excuse me. And I go, yeah, excuse you. That's not what the sidewalk's for, buddy. Go around. Yep. And then while I was doing that, a girl one feet away who certainly heard me have that reaction to him goes, sorry, I'm just like a huge fan. Have a good day. I was like, not right now, girl. I'm giving this guy the fucking riot act about biking on the sidewalk.

46:43No, I'm very much. I'm a rule follower. So if I see someone on the sidewalk on a bike and stuff, I do the exact same thing. I'm not much of a rule follower, but I am. There are certain things like that that I'm like, if you're going to bike on the sidewalk, that's fine. you have to either wait for us to get out of the way and do it quietly or you have to go around you absolutely do not get to yell excuse me, excuse me at me when I'm doing what I'm meant to do you get the fuck off the bike or be quiet, those are your options you don't get to be on the bike in the wrong place and yell at me it's three things too many I still feel bad that when you came to my first show you snapped and I yelled at you I still feel bad about it but even though I explained it And then I told you, I was like, I was a different time.

47:28Like people, when you're the only gay in comedy and these rooms and the clubs and people heckle you and blah, blah. And then I was like, no, Caleb's right. Did I tell you that? Did I ever, when I told you about that, did I ever tell you the joke you were doing? No. What was I saying? I remember the joke you were doing because I loved the joke. And before I got humiliated by one of my favorite comics. For the uninitiated, a quick catch up is that when I was in college, I was interning in New York. and I went on theskint.com to find something to do, free and cheap. And I love that website, by the way, theskint.

47:59I don't need any money from you. I love you. You're doing great work. But I found a comedy show in Brooklyn, took some of my intern friends to go see it. There's a knitting factory, I think. I don't think it was. I think it was like a bar. I think it was like a bar show. It was late afternoon, early evening. It was an odd kind of timed show. We were trying to squeeze in something before another thing, I remember. And you were doing a joke that I almost brought up earlier in this episode where you were like, yeah, I'm trying to act more right now. I'm working with a voice coach because, you know, I went out for a football character.

48:31And if I don't get this voicing under control, he's going to have a secret, you know? Yeah, yeah. And it was a - Zach, 19, football player. Well, Zach's going to have a secret to share with everyone. Exactly correct. Yeah, I remember that joke. And I loved that joke. And that's when I started snapping. I'm sorry. That's when I got in trouble. I'm so sorry. And I started snapping at Mateo's joke because I hadn't been to a lot of comedy shows. And I made that very clear. I started snapping and Mateo was like, oh, please. Yeah, let's degrade this a little bit more. Snap at my joke. That's awesome.

48:56By the way, getting huge laughs. Everyone else in the room, huge laughs. I just was more aggressive back then. You know, I was like a prey in a sea of predators. Like, you know, there wasn't a lot of gays doing comedy. I mean, if there was, like me or Joel Kimbooster or like Julio Torres, they never put us on the same show. So all of us got to experience separately, like, what that was like back in the day when we're back in my day, you know, like we're doing these shows and it's all street audiences. And so you, I was more aggressive. Bob used to say all the times, like Mateo, I've it's like, every time I go to a show of yours, I'm just expecting you to yell at somebody in the audience.

49:35And I'm much nicer now. You are. Yeah. You've never yelled at me since then. No, no. We went many years without seeing each other again. And then we met again. I'm so sorry. No, it was so funny. It was complete. And also you were right. I just didn't know. So it was, I loved getting to be involved. I was like, yeah, I was involved in the show. It was fun for me. And then you never forgot. I did love that joke. I was auditioning. They wanted me to audition for Glee. And that was the character description. I was like, now I'm 173 pounds. I was 130. And I had one eyebrow. And I had a mullet. And I was balding.

50:15And I was gay as a picnic basket. Wearing an American apparel shirt. Walking in there, they said, sing two bars of any song. I sang Mariah Carey's Underneath the Stars. What? Mateo. And then audition as a football player.

50:32Shocker, didn't get the part. Didn't book. Didn't book. I did not book it. That is so fucking funny. What do you think is the best audition you've ever had? I don't audition a lot, so I don't know. I had one. I was kind of like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet or something, and I played sort of the character that talked like this and did a lot of that. And that felt really good. And I made it all the way to the end and talked to the director and then they gave it to someone who had credits. Yeah, well, that's how it goes. No one really hires me. I just sort of put things on YouTube and hope for the best.

51:06What do you want to do? Is there a thing that you'd love to do that you haven't gotten to do yet? I think it'd be a really good talk show host. I love the show Chatty Man with Alan Carr. Yeah. And I like engaging people and I like talking to people and there could be different segments, whether it's singing or like you could do the advice special or like cooking segments like stuff that I can kind of incorporate all the things that I do together but um we need your talk show bad do we there no genuinely I I maybe can't think of a better person to have a talk show I mean I would enjoy it also it'd be something like I've never had a project I can sink my teeth into I'm just kind of leapfrogging from one thing to the next like the only thing steady in my life is stand-up yeah because you know I have a tour and that's my favorite thing to do but everything else is like I don't know what to do with myself.

51:51Yeah. That makes sense to me. The idea of you having a talk show is very exciting to me. I think that'd be fun. I like that. I met a really good producer and we chatted for like three hours and we're going to talk in the new year. Do you know my favorite thing anyone's done with a talk show probably ever is Kelly Clarkson just deciding to do covers on her own show. Oh, she's so... I can't stop talking about it. I love this choice. And her voice is... She's underrated as a singer. Like, she's probably one of the best voices we have today working. I mean, she can do anything with the voice. She can.

52:24Her fucking, that Outfield song that she covered, that, couldn't believe it. I like my girls a little bit older when she winks at the camera. I mean, of course, that shifted something for the lesbian community in a huge way. But it shifted something for me as well. I loved that. She has whistle tones too. She's so cool. She rarely uses them. Like, you know, Mariah Carey, Whistletown, Zariah. Like, she just can do anything with her voice. And she's charming and down to earth. Kelly Clarkson, Drew Barrymore has the same quality. I love them both. They both seem like people that you would genuinely like to hang out with.

53:00Yeah. There's an earnestness and a warmth that I don't know how you be, I don't know how you be famous from as young of an age for as long as they both have. Drew, obviously, a way different and bigger thing. Right. In terms of timeline. But, and still be so normal seeming and cool. I did when I did Drew's show in April for for my cookbook, which I can give you one. You don't have to steal it. I'm taking it. I want to. I like a pile. OK, but she was so wonderful. But there was one point she did something that made me laugh because she we were we had a really great segment. And she was like, Mateo, where have you been my whole life?

53:37And I was trying to be funny. I was like, well, I know we're neighbors because we live in the same neighborhood. I was like, so we could we should hang out sometime. And she this was her response.

53:49and I was like okay we also don't have to by the way I was like I thought I don't know just for TV she could have said yes but she just you know yeah she kind of just shut down like and smiled but yeah it was great you say her address you're like I know you live at that is so fucking funny material what's so true to you what's so true to me is and I've heard my friends talk about this before but I know I know we were talking about this last night That doesn't always have to be a complaint.

54:20But there are times I'm really tired and I'm trying to sleep and it's a 6am flight and the crew is really gossiping. Stop. And that Phil Hanley talked about this before we talked about this and I talked about this with my friend Leo and I love flight attendants. I'm so nice flight attendants, but that's why I'll never sit. I'll sit as like far away from that section because it's 6am. I've done five shows, I'm exhausted. I just need to sleep for the next hour and a half this flight is so that I can try and get to the next show. And all I hear is, did you hear that Sandra took off yesterday? What a fucking bitch.

54:57Listen, I'm not going to trust those onion rings over there. No, throw them out. And I, oh, you know what? Here's another so true. I love this one. Stop calling. It's all about planes. What am I, an 80s comic like? My vibrator has two settings on and on. I'm in like a shit like zoot suit. But when you say mixed nuts You don't mean mixed nuts You mean almonds and friend Because it's 800 almonds And one peanut And I'm fucking sick of it I'm sick of almonds They need to mind their own goddamn fucking business Almonds and friend I now when I get them, take them Put them out, separate the almonds From the rest of the nuts And then send it to Amina Imani Just to let her know almonds and friend And not friends friend friend singular my flight so true is you know damn well every single person knows unless you are six or you've truly never flown in your life and even then basic like common sense should tell you you know goddamn well when it is and is not appropriate to have that fucking window shade up if it is a morning flight you son of a bitch put that fucking window shade down and let me just say this.

56:11Say it. Everybody else has their windows shut and you decide to be the fucking star of Bethlehem for Jesus to send the three wise men for Christmas. This shining light that would make the Death Star blush. I don't know. I understand. And you're not even looking out the window. They need their light. It's so infuriating. It's crazy. I'm like, oh, cool. The nativity scenes in 4Q. Like, I don't understand. I get it. Sorry. I'm furious about it. Well, they also So anytime you bring this up, I feel like annoying people will be like, well, I can do what I want in my seat. I got the window seat. I'm going to beat the shit out of you.

56:48Really? You can do whatever. What are you, 12? Do you tell them to shut it? Have you ever seen this? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I do too. On a morning flight, I had a guy. There was a guy last year. I was on a flight. It was a super morning flight, an early flight. It was like 6 a.m. takeoff. I don't remember where we were going to or from. But I needed to sleep. And we were in first class. And the guy, the row over from me, I was in the window seat on my side. it was like one up and over the perfect like fuck you light you know what I mean and he pulled his thing up and I got up half of my seat because I didn't want to yell across people and I walked over and I was like hey I'm so sorry to bother you and like totally no big deal if you don't want to would you mind closing that it's an early morning flight and like many of us are trying to sleep yeah and he was like yeah I guess and I was like thank you so much yeah and he like angrily shut it and I was like I don't you can shut that as angry as you want to brother shut that fucking window like I was very polite about it but i was like come on but it also too like by the way flight attendants i love you it's just the gossiping at 6 a.m a lot um but i i yeah it's it's like the you know what really angers me it's the selfishness of knowing that other people around you and are upset about it and you still choose to just go off on your own yeah i don't know listening to stuff out loud put in headphones i mean i really here's the deal we're in public and so i i try really hard when it's not essential if someone's just being a little annoying like taking a loud call with on speakerphone with no headphones or something i try to go like you know what we're in public that's their choice it's my choice to ignore it but then sometimes i go it's also if they have the right to do whatever they want i also have the right to make it uncomfortable for them yeah you're being rude yeah you're being rude so i'm gonna be rude to you as well unless they're like in their early hundreds like i was i know i was coming back from i went to cambodia and um uh thailand this summer and this couple next to me i mean like early like these there was methuselah like that was there was a pile of dust they put clothes over like they were so old and he had the headphones on but they weren't obviously connected of course and so he's just blasting some like you know some 60s like western movie and i was like should i should i like scream at this guy yeah you know i'm like no like this is the last one this is the last thing last flight this is last Not even just flight.

59:00This is his last thing. Right. So let him enjoy his shitty Western. And his wife screaming at him. They can't hear each other. And there was something charming about that. Yeah. But if you're capable in your 40s and you're just being a dick, like, no, I have no problems fighting in public. How often have you gotten the, one of my favorite moves is the flight attendant note card when they're a fan? Yes. Every time I fly. And they, but my favorite is when a gay guy does it because they always think they're being so slick. And I love a flight attendant. I love the energy of a flight attendant. Yes.

59:28But when they, the whole flight, they're kind of like, what can I get you to drink? You know, and they're being so obviously a fan and it's like totally sweet. And I'm like, that's fine. And then they're being like extra attentive to you the whole flight. And I'm like, this is lovely. And then at the, like, you know, 10 minutes before landing, all the lights are on and everything. They come over and slip you a postcard and they're like, what about you? And then the postcard is like, diva, your work slays. I love you, girl. Thank you for flying Delta girl. And then there's like a little wings with it or something.

59:56I'm like, I, this is to me what it's all about. It's almost every flight. I fly every weekend. And it's like last flight I was flying back from London. And the one flight I walked in, I was like, and like that. I'm like, hello. And then he said something to me. Like, sometimes I think they're trying to be funny, but then they don't really. He was like, he's like, yeah, I know that you and me share a friend. His name is Brett. He's a singer in Vegas. I'm like, oh, yeah, I know Brett. He goes, yeah. So, you know, Brett says hi. But also my friend Adam just wanted to let you know to calm down. And I was like, I don't know what that means.

1:00:26but great for making me feel more insecure the rest of the flight. So, but he was nice. He was trying, I don't know if he thought he was being funny. And then the other one walked by the very end of the flight is like, my husband would be so jealous if he knew that I was here. Could we get a photo together? I'm like, sure. That's fine. We can take a photo, but I just came off of Xanax. So I'm sorry. I look like this, you know, and say Photoshop. My friend, Adam, that is such a specific gay guy backhanded. Like, I really don't like that kind of thing. Same. It's like, it will ruin me. Yeah. Like for weeks.

1:00:54It'll take me weeks to recover from that. But then I just smile. Do you think there's some people that only know how they're insecure or they're nervous or they're anxious people? And the way they relate is either like by saying like backhanded comments or compliments or they're mean and they think that they're being funny. Do you know what I'm talking about? I can't quite articulate it. Yes. But there are those people. And then you're just sort of like, oh, you're just an asshole. I feel that what's happening a lot of times in those situations is two things. Number one, people don't realize that being silent is an option.

1:01:21You really don't have to say anything. you really my family doesn't know this option being silent is on the table no one has taken it from you is number one and number two i feel like the reason it makes me feel so sad and disconnected is not because you said something rude to me i'm not thin-skinned it's actually it makes me feel a little inhuman because i was not approaching the conversation uh obsessed with a power imbalance between us i was not thinking of me as important person and you as unimportant in person but you are coming in swinging trying to claw some kind of power away from me to be like you're trying to put me in my place like preemptively or something to be like you're not going to get me i wasn't trying to get you right i'm a normal human being going through my day but you're you're feeling insecure because you are a fan of mine or think i'm somebody and so now you're trying to like spar with me to prove that you're worthy of having the conversation that they think that they're impressing you yeah in reality you're like no i'm just as sensitive as you are like i wasn't gonna talk to you crazy i don't know why you're talking to me crazy i don't know you that's the other thing is you see me with my friends sparring and being silly and like throwing daggers at each other for fun because we're very close friends doing our job as entertainers yeah and then you think we're gonna do that on delta flight 370 and it's like baby i don't know you what's going on i just it's very confusing yeah yeah i'm just i yeah i think you're right i think people have like an idea of like we're always ready to you know jab each other and you can take it and i can you know but in reality i'm like i'm just listening to mariah carey right now and kind of sad so you know if you don't mind yeah if you don't mind i have to pee for the eighth time again so let me just do that you peeing a lot on those pins.

1:03:05I have to pee now. I have to pee all the time. I always have to pee. It's a problem. Mateo, I think you know what time it is. Yes, but the way you took that paper and put it down, I felt like I was in trouble. You are? Okay. You are? Well, we'll see if you are or not. I'm going to read you 15 statements. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just... I'm so bad at this stuff. I fucked up the last time. Remember how bad I was? No. We never remember. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said was true or false. You get 10 or more correct, Mateo.

1:03:33We're going to give you 50 US dollars. I'm really nervous. You ready? Yeah. Okay. South America has more nations than Africa. False. False. Nicholas Craig Mile Excuse me? Nicholas Craig Mile was the captain of the Titanic. False. False. It was Edward Smith. Blue whales are the largest known animals to have ever existed. True. True. Cheesecake was invented in Italy. False. False. It was Greece. John Hershey High School's yearbook is called the Husky Review. True. False. It's the endeavor. Walter Payton is the NFL's all-time leading rusher. False. False. It was Emmett Smith. The movie Return to Oz came out in 1985.

1:04:11True. True. Human babies have more bones than human adults. True. True. The first six... It's your teeth. Oh, is that true? That fall out, I think, and then come back in. They shouldn't be bones. Well, whatever. I got it right. The first successful electric car in the U.S. was made in 1890. False. True. Oh. A Chicago handshake is a shot of Malort in a bush light. True. False. Old style. Oh, is it old style? Really? Have you had that before? Yes. It's horrible. Hate. It's really bad. Yeah. DoorDash is older than Postmates. True. False. Oh, I'm... Earth's rotation is slowing down. I thought it was speeding up.

1:04:51True. False. What did we say again? Earth's rotation is slowing down. False. It's true. The world's oldest cat lived to be 26 years old. True. False. 38. Oh. 38? No. No. That's Mateo. Put it down. I don't give a shit. 38 years old. It has to be true. This is a full-time job. That made me mad. Mount Etna is Europe's tallest active volcano. True. True. I've been there. Have you? Yeah, many of them. That's my family that lives near there. Whoa. Storm from X-Men is claustrophobic. Yes, that's very true. True. How do you do? Oh, man. Nine. Oh, no. Very good, though. Very good. That was way better than last time.

1:05:29How'd you do last time? I don't recall. I just remember fucking it up. I didn't do well. I'm not good at this stuff. I get nervous. I'm going to go back and see how many you did. I don't think you did that bad last time. Just any of these things, any kind of true, false, rapid fire. I'm nervous thinking about it. You did great. Thanks. Mateo, thank you so much for doing it. Do you want to tell people where they can find you, what they should be watching? Yes. I'm on tour, so go to MateoLaneComedy.com and that's pretty much it. I love doing it. We really do, not to be Sydney, but we do need to hang out.

1:06:00We do. I know we're always running around and filming and doing this and da-da-da-da, but you me and Sydney should all hang out and just have a day. And we need to watch my best friend's wedding. We really do. I wonder if she's seen it. I wonder if I can put both of y 'all on. I don't. Maybe Sydney has seen it. Okay, love you. Thank you for doing it. Thank you so much for having me on the show. Ciao. Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf.

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