Michael Cruz Kayne Loves Basketball

22:23Yeah, now they're having Trump reports. Whoopsie-ditties. Like, okay, maybe next time we don't vote for him. They will. They will. They absolutely will. Like, I don't know if I can keep standing for this. They will. Yeah, my farm has been burned to the ground. Well, let's try it a third time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened to your farm, by the way? My farm? Do you have a farm anywhere? I don't have a farm. Do you wish? Wait, do you have a farm? No. Oh. But I kind of am one of those guys that wants one. I could see you having a farm. Do you want like a fuck show biz ranch? I am ready to be out of the business.

22:51Yeah. If I could afford to. Yeah. But I can't. I can't. So forget it. I'm going to be in the business. I got a mortgage, so I'll be in. It's the only thing I know how to do. So I'm going to be in the biz writing sloppy jokes for fucking whomever. But I would love to move to Kansas or some place, have a pool and just chill. That would be fucking awesome. Apple Pay is the simple, secure, and fast way to pay. That's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone. Accepted at millions of places from big box stores to boutiques, you can check out with your iPhone anywhere contactless payments are accepted.

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24:28Whether you DIY it or want a pro to handle everything from measure to install, we have you covered. Real design professionals, free samples, zero pressure. Right now, get up to 45 % off with minimum purchase, plus get a free professional measure at blinds.com. Rules and restrictions apply. That's beautiful over there. I can't recommend it enough. I don't have a farm. I have a house. Yeah. It's fine. I don't, I'm not good with animals. No? Like I don't mind them, but I'm not good like, I don't want to touch one. You know what I mean? It doesn't feel like farm is for me. Yeah, farm might not be for you.

25:00Farm has animals, right? I'm thinking Moo Moo here. I'm thinking EIEO. Farm can totally have animals. But by the way, most of these people, most of the people that are doing like a show business farm, they're not touching the animals either. They've got hired help to do the animals. They like maybe ride a horse every once in a while. And what is a show business farm? Fuck showbiz farm. You know this. Oh, I got you. I thought in my mind, you said show business farm and I imagine you're just like growing like a Jeff Probst in the ground. This is like when a famous person goes and gets a ranch. And they're like, I'm a rancher now.

25:27And we're like, you're wearing jeans on a ranch. You're not a rancher. That's fuck show business farm. Yeah, I got you. I like that. I would, if I could afford to do that. There's so many things I would do if I could afford to do them. But that's, so ranch for sure. You know, I think one of the things, so many people, not just show business people, but so many people that live in cities in general, last couple years have been like, ugh, I just want to move to the woods. And I'm like, no you don't. Hey, Donnie, you wouldn't do well out there. Not the woods. You wouldn't do well in the woods. No, I would do horribly in the woods.

25:55You'd be so bored. Bugs. Bugs. That's kind of it. Spotty Wi-Fi. Yeah, exactly. No cell service. I think, but enforced spotty Wi-Fi for me, I think would be helpful. I would sleep more if I didn't have the internet, for sure. You couldn't watch the second SportsCenter. No, SportsCenter's on the TV. I don't need the internet for that. Fuck, that's horrible. I was hoping maybe you were streaming this. But you're on the internet late at night. Come on, let's be honest. Am I on the internet late at night? sometimes, but usually it's like responding to people's Instagram stories. I'm not doom scrolling.

26:24I don't have TikTok on my phone and I feel like when I did have TikTok on my phone, that was troubling. Oh, you know what I have that is, I think, maybe the most pathetic version of this? Tell me. Is I have a video game called Clash Royale. You know what this is? No. Well, it's me and a bunch of 11-year-olds and there's no way, no point even trying to explain to you this game. What are you doing on there? I'm playing a game where I'm defending my three my two towers and my castle against the other guy's towers and his castle and I'm sending my little minions over there to try and to take his stuff to blow up his stuff and are you succeeding?

27:01I would say most of the time I'm succeeding or you're playing children I'm definitely playing kids and they they're like little emoticons not emoticons emojis or whatever that they can respond to you with and these kids are really mean what are they saying to you? they don't say anything it's just like it's like a king cackling at you as his little characters destroy your tower. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's pretty bad. I wish I hadn't brought this up. That's horrible. Let's cut this out, too. No, I think we'll keep this. Why are you on there? Because I started doing it, and then you, like... How'd you find it?

27:33My son. Okay. My son was doing it, so that's normal. Okay, yeah. So my son was doing it, and then I started playing him in it, and then he's like, I'm going to bed because it's 11 p.m., and I'm like, let me just play 600 to 700 more games of this. And now I'm playing Clash Royale with a Korean nine-year-old who's kicking my ass. I'm like, I gotta go to bed. Destroying you. Absolutely crushing me. Have to get on her way to go to work. Yeah, exactly. I have to take my daughter to school in the morning. I'm sleeping in late because I'm like, just give daddy five more minutes. I played Clash Royale until 3 a.m.

28:05Are you telling your kids stuff like that? I tell them, yeah, I think so. Are you guys being really honest? I try to be pretty real with them. I mean, you know, yeah, pretty honest. There's some stuff you can't, but almost everything. What are you keeping from them? how do you decide when to lie and when to be honest are you ever lying about small stuff just to make your life easier I try not to but I probably am I don't think so more like if my wife and I have a disagreement and my kid's like what's that about I'm not even lying I'm just like I'm not going to tell you well the truth is I'm not going to tell you that's not for you so I think there's some things that I try to keep like these are the adult things and I'm not trying to bring those things into your world you know what I mean but anything if I have a feeling about something or a thought about something, I pretty much tell them.

28:51Yeah. Because I'm trying to encourage that in them, especially in in my son because I just feel like that's a thing that dudes tend to not do. Like I think you're sort of socialized to keep everything in there. You know what I mean? And I think that's bad. You think it's bad. I think it's really good. I really want you to bottle it up. I want your son to keep things in. I do not want to see boys expressing themselves at all ever ever yeah lock it up push it down yes so yeah i'm trying i'm trying to like you know let him have his let him have his feelings encourage him to express them yeah do you feel like you got that as a kid yeah um no not really no i mean like i was encouraged to participate in artistic things ballet piano theater yeah but like two i definitely remember at one point i broke up with a girlfriend of a long time in high school, and I was crying, and my mom was like, come on.

29:46No. Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's Filipina also, so there's a little, like, cultural there also of, like, we have it here too, of men have to be a particular way. So me crying about my girlfriend was not cool. Yeah. Yeah. Have you guys talked about that in adulthood? Me and my mom? Yeah. Mm, no. I think if we did, she would deny it. My mom is a... Oh, come on. Me? My mom is a full fabricator. Like, I don't even think she intends to do it. I think it's a spontaneous, uncontrollable thing where she'll just, like, say some stuff. And you're like, that's 100 % not true. Yeah. Like, we'll be out to dinner with my family.

30:28Extended family. This happened. My mom turns to my dad's brother and goes, you know, Michael is so close with us, he tells us all about his sex life. I'm like, why would you say that? Do you? No, never. I never would. I never have. What could have possessed you to say that sentence? Yeah. But just like something, there's just something flips and she's like, I'm going to say something crazy right now. She's bored at dinner. She's like, I'm about to lie. Period. This is tedious. I'm about to say something crazy. Well, I'm bored. Who wants to hear a lie?

31:05Anyway, the truth's been pretty boring. Anybody want to hear a fabrication, a falsehood? That is what's happening. That fucking rocks. It's very entertaining. I love it. It's very fun. See, but you're robbing your kids of that because you're doing this humble, honest thing with them. You should be lying in front of them. You're right. Give them stories. Make up more shit. Your kids are going to be too well adjusted. Yeah. I mean, I think I was, growing up because of the bullying, very much a liar. I would just make shit up about, I can't even tell you what it was, but it always made me feel bad because you're pretending.

31:36Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? When you're lying, you feel bad? Is that what you're asking me? Do I know about that? I'm asking if you have the... If you... If you could relate to the feeling of having like a... Well, like a pretend... Like a full persona that I kind of made up because I was trying to escape the thing that I actually was. And you're asking, do I know about feeling bad?

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35:40I was I was loathed Right? Okay so I'm trying to Invent like stories about my family Oh I met this famous person I'm talking to other kids at school Yeah But none of it is true Right So anytime there was a taste of them being like Oh I like Tell me more about that And I'm like Oh fuck I've now created this distance between myself and this person, they will never know who I am because I'm invested in this lie and I will never tell them the truth. Yeah. Do you know what I'm talking about? Totally. Does this make sense to you? Totally. Okay, so you're done mocking me for having feelings? Totally.

36:10Totally. No, you said I lie and then I feel bad. Do you know what I mean? And I was like, and I was like, well, this feels like some sort of morality test that I'm meant to fail. Like, you're like, Caleb, I felt bad for hurting people. You understand? please walk with me on this please try to understand can you imagine can you imagine so sorry you're a sociopath you wouldn't get this he no totally I've lied so many times I also used to steal steal like what oh I loved stealing I would steal anything but like what a horse what do you mean anything oh steal if I could steal a horse I would have stolen a fucking horse what this horse no I brought this you're riding off on a horse you didn't have before my horse this is my horse from home this is my horse that I brought that I came in with, the horse I came in on.

36:57No, I would steal from anybody. I would steal change. I would steal hats. I would steal little trinkets. I would steal anything I could get my little hands on. I also steal stuff. I stole shoplifting. I would steal choose-your-own-adventure books. That's the thing that I stole. While I was supposed to be in ballet class, I would go around the corner to the bookstore and then just shove my pants full of choose-your-own-adventure. How many are you getting in there? Just chock full of books. No, not your sweats. And then I got caught by the guy, and he was like, I'm going to call your parents. Give me your parents' phone number.

37:30And I said, please, please don't do that. And then he didn't call them. So my parents won't find out about that right now. Oh, my God. What a nice guy. Very nice guy. Why do you think he took pity on you? Do you have any understanding of that? I assumed I was sobbing. Yeah, were you? Probably. I don't remember. It's also so funny. Like, as a kid, you don't really know what's fully available to you. You know, like, if an adult were to say to a kid, hey, I'm going to call your parents. Give me your parents' phone number. the kid can 100 % just go, no, fuck you, and walk away. Yes, absolutely. But kids don't know that they can do that.

37:59So they just stand there terrified, like fucking 1-8-7. They just give the number. Yeah, exactly. It's like, you don't have to do that. I'll dial it for you almost. Kids don't know how often you can just say no to somebody. Fuck off. It's crazy. I think about that all the time. Sometimes I get mad. This is crazy. People will receive this as crazy because it is crazy what I'm about to say. Sometimes I will think of times as a kid that I let someone tell me what to do, and I will get mad. and I'll go I should have told them no please give us a specific example like I'll think about like a teacher being like Caleb go sit over there you're talking too much and I as an adult go I should have told her to fuck off what do you mean I'm sitting right here I'm not going over there I'm gonna keep talking you interrupted me you fucking get out of my face you keep talking about biology or whatever I'm talking to Steve what are you talking about I finished my work do better give me harder work I'm gonna stay right here and I get mad I go he should have known better see I feel like my kids are pretty good like they're very self-possessed and if it's from growing up in Brooklyn or whatever but I do feel that they would I feel like they would have the wherewithal to be like I'd rather not do that how old are your kids 16 crazy 13 crazy old whoa too old I don't like it like I mean they're I love them so much that they're the best yeah I just don't like them I don't like that they continue to age.

39:16I would like to freeze them. A lot of the time, I will be sitting with them, looking at pictures of them, and they'll be talking to me. I'll be like, actually, stop. I'm looking at you. Yeah. I'm actually enjoying you where you were supposed to be. Yeah. You're supposed to be this. Don't be this, what you are. Yeah. Well, just because my son, he's going to leave. He's going to go to college. You think so? I don't want that. Fuck. Yeah. You could probably keep him in the house if you started doing some really strategic stuff now. Like, tricking him about stuff? You've got two years to sabotage his chances at college.

39:45Basically. If you want to keep him around, that's the way things are. You've got two years with him. You've got five with the daughter. Yeah. What do you think is a good trap? Like get him arrested for something? Or what are you thinking? I think, yeah, totally getting him arrested for something could be huge. Then you run the risk of him going to jail. Okay. So I don't want that. Which is still leaving. That's also a way for me. Yeah. Maybe a viral video of him doing something problematic. Yeah. If you could get him to dress up in a costume he has no business being in for Halloween, maybe. Yeah.

40:09Post pictures of it. If I could, maybe this is another place for AI. Does AI do stuff like that? Yeah. Could AI make him, put him in a weird costume? Put him in a headdress he shouldn't be wearing. Yeah, I'm sure. Like a kabuki dress? I'm sure it could. That's one way to go. But then there is the chance that maybe you'll want him to be able to leave the house someday. Yeah, right, right, right, right, right, right. So you don't want to do something so permanent. Okay. Hmm. This is good to pitch on this, though. You could start, you or your wife could start pretending to be quite sick. Oh, that's good.

40:45And then whenever you're ready for him to leave the house, you could be like, oh, I'm fine now. I'm actually fine. In like five or six years when you guys are actually sick of him being in the house, you'd be like, oh, we're better. Yeah. Yeah. He's been like changing my bedpan for six years. But you guys are hanging out, playing Clash Royale or whatever the fuck. He's like 23, being like, sorry, my dad's sick. He wants to play Clash Royale. I can't come out tonight. Yeah, I can't take any classes or leave the home at all.

41:13Sorry, I can't come out at all ever. My dad's sick. Yeah, if I don't play NBA 2K with my dad, he has seizures.

41:24No, he'll start seizing for real, guys. I've seen it. Wait, is this bad? I do, like, force my son to play NBA 2K with me. Like, force him. He'll be like, I don't want to. I want to do homework. I'm like, well. Too bad. Yeah, well, because I said so. No, that's the point of having kids. Yes, I agree with that. That's totally the point of having kids. Do you want to have kids? I do. Okay. Yeah, I do. How many kids? What kind of kids? Oh, my gosh. What kind of kids? I'll take any kind. Whatever they'll sell me, you know? Whatever they got. Whatever they got. Whatever's left on the market. How many do I want?

41:52I think I would love like three. Three kids. That would be great. Kind of a classic. Three would be great. Are you of three? Are you of what? No, I'm technically of two, but it was very complicated. But I was most, a lot of times I was the only kid in the house. So three would be cool I definitely don't want just one I'm of three Three good Three cool for you? We have two I'm not having I had my penis broke Yeah? Yeah I got a vasectomy I said fucking Kill it Cut that shit off Break that fucker Yeah Punch it You know they can reverse that What's that? Not what they did to me No sir brother I made sure they couldn't No I said, you go out there, you get a gun, you come back.

42:36Do the irrevocable one. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. I'm going to do some crimes down there. Yeah. And they did. And they did. And it still hurts to this day, but it's worth it.

42:49Damn, I hate to hear that, brother. No, the idea of just, it's really, it's the economy, buddy. It's the economy. If I had one more kid, the stress of how much it costs, I would go straight through it. You'd have both eyes switching. both eyes twitching my butthole twitching everything's twitching like crazy bad news I would sprint full speed out the window crash boom done it's over even if there wasn't a window I would Kool-Aid man through the wall to get my thumb I can't support another child I just can't do it okay don't have a third okay thank you thank you for saying that you knew I was gonna keep pushing and you set me straight and that's fine I met your wife she's wonderful I would love to see you guys have a third kid but I understand stop saying that don't say that cut that out use Claude for that.

43:33Cut that out. Oh, that's so funny. Well, fuck. Okay, I guess you'll just have the two then. Do your kids have any idea what they want to do? My son has been dabbling. He's been dabbling in law stuff. He spent a week with the Brooklyn DA's office. Fuck. And he is going today to meet, I think to watch court proceedings with some judge. So he's kind of into that, but it's really a dabble. He went to the court to watch the Brooklyn DA, and there was some Hispanic guy who was pleading guilty to something and the judge was saying to this guy, you know, by pleading guilty, you waive your right to, all these rights that you waive and Truman is my son's name, came home and he was like, dude, it was fucking sad as hell.

44:16Yeah. It's like, so maybe then you don't want to, maybe this is not exactly the thing you want to do or maybe you could be protecting this guy. Yeah. But I think there is sort of like a TV version of the law and a movie version that's very glamorous and then there's like actual real practical law shit that is pretty bleak. Yeah. So, I don't know. Damn. I would be happy. He loves sports. I would be happy for him to find some kind of a sports job. I bet you would. You want him to be watching sports? Yeah, you're like, get a job at sports center. See if they'll give old dad a tour. I bet you get to take someone around the office every once in a while.

44:55Maybe you bring in old dad. Hey, give Pa a chance. Maybe I can play one-on-one with Charles Barkley. I can sit behind the desk, right? Nobody cares. Yeah. Turn the camera on and see what happens.

45:14Your poor son just wants to be a lawyer so bad. No, come on. My dad forced me to do sports. Run the old school stat sheet. Get in with the Nets. And then my daughter just got into LaGuardia, the LaGuardia School for the Performing Arts what kind of arts? drama, she brings the drama she's an actress and that's like the public school system I don't know what you know about this or how much you want to know public high school in New York City is like a whole fucked up system that is bad but probably better than any other system that they could have devised because there's a billion people and there's only like so many good schools so you have a lottery number and her the lottery number starts with 00 that's the best one you can get like it's a long thing but starts with 00 hers started with E E you understand we're not even in the numbers anymore we graduated to alphabet yeah and she's like an incredible student so that sucks so she had to do a bunch of things to try and get into other schools so she auditioned for LaGuardia and she got in which is great nice it's a good school nice it's a really good school from what I hear but also not just for the acting also for the reading and the writing and the plussing and the minusing.

46:25If she's talented, who cares? Yeah, I guess that's true. If you're not talented, learn how to read. But if you're talented... Who cares? Just fuck it. Who cares? Yeah, they'll say it in your ear and you say it out loud. Hello. Yeah, forget reading. I just feel if you're talented, those things don't apply to you. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if I want her to be an actress. So much of the external validation. You know what I mean? Yeah. You don't have that. You validate internally. You seem pure and wise. I don't think that I'm pure. Okay. I think there's a shot at wise. Okay. I might be wise on some days.

46:53Okay. I feel, yeah, I feel pretty, I feel pretty internally validated. I think I know when I've done better or bad. Yeah. Do you not have that? Yeah, I'm okay. I mean, I'm physically a disaster, but mentally I think okay. Physically disaster. So the ankles and the knees are a problem. Ankles and knees are a problem. I'm playing basketball as much as possible because I love it. Yeah. Is there any part of your brain that goes, it's a ticking clock on the basketball stuff. I, every injury I have in my life, like a real injury, is from playing basketball. I have hurt my knee, torn something in my knee, sprained my ankles really badly.

47:31I have, over both of my eyelids, I've burst both of my eyelids from getting head-butted playing basketball. A lot of bad stuff. But I, I, there's, I love it so much. Yeah. Is there anything like that for you? Like, was football ever like that? no i would say maybe like in terms of like well i don't things i love doing like that i love going on a long walk i like riding bikes but it's nothing competitive like if i hear a basketball if i would hear a basketball in the hall right now yeah after this is over i would go and try and find where that is and be like i'll play yeah and i'm wearing this or like if i if i'm at a if i'm at a wedding and i'm dressed in a full suit and i can see like outside the wedding outside of the grounds.

48:11There's a basketball game happening over there. Yeah. I'm like, I bet if I stepped out I could play with them for like 10, 15 minutes. Yeah. I love it. I love that for you so much. There's like, there's no, it's so, nothing, it's just us. It's, we're symbiotic. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I don't think I do, but it's a really beautiful feeling that I wish I had about something. I don't know anything about what you, I don't know your opinion on fracking or whatever. I'm just like, we, you and I are one. We're part of this organism that is playing this thing right now. yeah it's like music kind of it's beautiful am I high what am I talking about you're not high at all you're describing a beautiful love of sport but it's like that if you're ever in a band it's just like what the fuck are we even doing this is all nonsense but I love it 100 % I feel I wish you were saying this on a different podcast because I know there are podcasts out there where a bunch of straight guys would be in the comments being like he fucking nailed it that's how I feel unfortunately there are going to be some lesbians that listen to this that are going to be able to understand New York Liberty New York Liberty the New York Liberty they're going to listen they're okay that's sports and that's women yeah that's women playing sports women I love women playing sports I guess you didn't think women could play sports I did not that's what you're always saying I still don't I do not believe women can play sports oh wait I have to ask you something what is so true to you oh oh right okay what is so true to me this is like a take oh sure is this enough of a take You have to say We're splitting the check Before we order You have to say that at the top You can't say it at the end Because I don't drink So when I go out And we have dinner, you're drinking You're having two glasses of the Sauvignon Blanc Caleb isn't, but yeah, the other person with you This is$40 and I'm paying for half of yours?

50:01No way, buddy I'm throwing another steak in there I'm taking a to-go steak And you're paying for that How do you feel about that? Yeah. I like this. I'm actually really mad now. I wish we hadn't started talking about this. I'm kind of pissed off as well. Who brought this up? Was it you? It was me. It's fucked up. Fucking people putting too much alcohol in the bill, you tell them. Yeah, it's just not right. Yeah. Or just splitting the check. Also, if you're rich, if you 5X my income, you're paying for it. Now, this is kind of where I'm at. We're not splitting. We're either paying for what we got or you're paying for all of it.

50:31Those are our two options. If you are so clearly the richest person at the table, you have an obligation to pay. Sorry. All this is on you. You just do. Yeah, and it's fine. What do you care? Yeah. What do you care? You have so much money. Pay for it. That's how I feel. I don't care how many people are sitting at the table. If you know in your heart that you could drop$700 on the check and it wouldn't really affect your week, you have a responsibility to do it. Legally, this is our platform. We should run co-president of the country. You can be president. I'll be vice. You sure? Yeah, take it.

51:02I feel like it. You're more palatable. You be the main guy. I'll be like Dick Cheney doing secret, crazy, weird shit. Operating me like a marionette. Hand up my butt, maybe even doing this kind of thing. Yes. You got to be careful with my busted penis. I'll be careful with your busted dick, knees, and ankles. Hopefully everything's cool in the anal cavity so I can get up there and work around. Oh, I'm doing, have you done colonoscopy yet? No, I'm 31. Buddy, I've done three. Yeah? And those suckers rule. Really? It's the best. Wow. The prep's not great, but it's not as bad as they say. You piss shit for a day.

51:39Yeah. Or you shit piss. But then the colonoscopy, they give you propofol. Have you ever? No, why would you? It's the stuff that, and it takes you out, out. You are in a deep sleep. You're on an astral plane. You're gone. Yeah. You know, you don't sleep enough. Yeah. Propofol, you'll have a sleep like you have never had in your entire life. And the guy is like, count down from 10. so I know. And you go, and you're out. You are gone, brother. Michael Jackson, I think, died from it, so you gotta be careful. But when you do it, you're like, I get it. I get why that happened. And then what do they do to you?

52:17They put a camera up your butthole and they zoom it around in there and they take pictures of everything. Why does that rock for you? You don't even know what's happening. It's the sleep. Oh, you're excited about the sleep? It's the sleep. It's the best sleep you'll ever get. You really don't get sleep. I'll do it. I'll shit piss, and I'll have the camera up my ass. I just want this. What I like, I guess, is propofol, not colonoscopy. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't think the actual procedure is doing anything for you. You're like, I love it. I thought you were going to tell me you had some euphoric feeling afterwards or something.

52:48Absolutely not. No, it's just a really good nap. It's worth it. The copay, everything. Pay the money. You should have it done. I would just say do it. Yeah, just go get one. Yeah. Okay. I might. I might. What's the other thing you're supposed to have? Colonoscopy. Oh, prostate exam. Prostate? I don't think I've had that. But maybe when they do the colonoscopy, do they do that? I don't know, but if you haven't, I really would like for you to get one. Okay. You're feeling like that's going to be a problem for me? I would be concerned if you've never had a prostate exam, and I'd like for you to get one.

53:14Have you had one? No, but I think really after a certain age, you're supposed to be doing it. This whole thing has been a conspiracy to get me to get a prostate exam and to call me old. Is that what it is? No, you're quite young. Thank you. But I do think there's an age where you're supposed to be getting them regularly. Okay. A lot of things. There are a lot of things I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not doing, and I think that's one of them. I think, honestly, what I would love to do is hospital day. Once a year, I'd love to just be like, hey, stick a thing up my ass, the camera, check the prostate, run all the blood tests, put me in the big scanner that scans for every type of cancer, MRIs.

53:50I'll just come in all day, and then I don't want to hear from you guys for a while. Yeah, I'm not really doing the things that are, like, super necessary all the time. I'm doing more like, I'm like eating minoxidil. Do you know what I mean? I'm doing stuff that's like periphery. Yeah. I'm not doing things for my health as much as I should be. Well, I think that you're fine. I think you're fine. Okay, thank you. You seem fine. That's what I need. I need to hear that. I think don't worry about any of it. An unexamined health situation is often better anyway. That's what they always say. Yeah. Don't think about it.

54:18And if something comes up, fuck it. We'll ball when we need to ball. I love that idea. Yeah. And that's real talk. Yeah. That's basketball because that's b-ball. Fuck it, we'll ball. Et cetera. Beautiful. Do you worry about, what do you worry about? Do you worry about anything? I worry about, oh God, what do I worry about? I worry about losing my hair. Really? I worry about that. Is that happening? It is happening. We're getting some, the forehead is encroaching. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's zipping up there. Yeah. Thought about going to Turkey? What's that? You thought about going to Turkey?

54:53I was just with, God, what's his name? Gus Constantel Constant You don't know him I believe you Yeah I don't know I did a thing for local news here Before this And the comedian who was on after me Yeah Had gone to Turkey Whoa No complaints Said he loved it And it looks great He looks great Gus His name is Gus His hair looks incredible I've seen one guy I know one guy who went to Turkey I know four who didn't really look good And I think it was a waste of their time and money I know one guy who looks amazing Was he fully bald when he went? No Interesting But I worry about the hairline. I feel like the top, I feel like you could get it to look good.

55:29I worry that the hairline is going to look fucking crazy. It's going to look like a horror movie. I think when my time comes, I'll lose my hair for sure. You say that now. I think when my time comes, no, no, I don't think I'm going to bald gracefully at all. That's not where I'm going with this. Oh, okay. No way. I'm not one of those idiots. Yeah. I think I'll just, when it's very obvious it needs to go, I'll just shave it all off, completely bald, and start wearing male hair units. A system. And changing. I'll wear a system. I'll wear, I'll get really good men's wigs and wear a different one every week.

56:01Change them up. Oh, my God. I love that. Yeah, I think that's how I'll go. You know who talks about systems all the time is Asher Perlman. You know, our friend Asher Perlman. Is Asher wearing systems? He's not, but he talks about it all the time. He's so handsome. He's a gorgeous bald man. His baldness is working for him. It works for him. Google him, guys. He's hot. He's a handsome guy. But he is always talking about throwing a system up there, and it's really funny. He, unfortunately, bald works so well for him. I think it would be horrible to see him in a unit. But I'd like to maybe see what I could do with some wigs.

56:29Bald will, when I go bald, when it ultimately happens, and again, I am eating fistfuls of minoxidil, so I'm doing everything I can to stop it, it's going to look bad on me. Because my eyebrows are kind of thin already, so I am going to look like I have an illness. It's going to look like I have some kind of a rare, maybe rickets, which I still don't know what it is. You still don't know what it is, but it might be what you have. Yeah. Yeah, bald will not be good for me. I can tell you that right now. I could kind of see it. No, sir. I will not look good with bald. I did have a goatee this morning.

57:01This morning you had one? Well, I had a bunch of facial hair. Chance saw me last night. I hadn't shaved in a while as my little rebellion against having had to shave for every day for weeks. And then this morning when I shaved, I shaved it into a goatee, and I said, you know what? Much like every man who's ever shaved. I wish to God you had kept that. You know, I have a picture. Yes, please. Would you like to see a picture? Please. I won't show it to the audience. I'll only show it to you. Please show it. They need to see it. They can't see it, but I'll let them see your reaction to it. I'm going to like it.

57:28There's no way I won't like it. This is me with a goatee. I don't think you're going to recognize this guy. There's no way I won't like it. I'm shirtless out of the shower. Okay. So try not to get turned on. There's a lot going on. I cannot wait to see this. I am obsessed with that guy. You have to. Don't you love him? You have to do it. Don't you kind of love him? You have to do that. You have at least for one episode of this, you're not, oh, you did angles. I did angles. That's incredible. I got a lot of pictures of goatee. That one gives kind of like frustrated restaurant manager. Exactly. And I really like that.

58:04That's what I was going for. And it's a good guy. Like, it's a manager that you don't like other managers. This manager you like and you disappointed him. And that's the face he did. You upset him. You know Paul Noe showed again. He should have fired you the last time. Yeah, it's like you got one more chance. Yeah. But really, come on. I don't want to fire you. He's a good guy. His name's Gil. Yeah. You should some days be Gil on this podcast. You think so? I think so. Come in with a goatee. Yeah. Then stack totally different. I have been doing kind of like mustache-ish, but also like the Asian of me doesn't really want it to be full.

58:34You're Asian. I'm half Filipino, for God's sake. I didn't realize. You don't have a team that does this before I get here? They don't bring up anybody's race. I've asked them to. Okay. I've said don't bring up anybody's race. I'm half Filipino. I know that I'm playing with you. Oh, this is fucked up. Could you imagine? Your facial hair is great. Really? You've got great facial hair. I really like the way it frames your face. It's very handsome. That's nice of you to say. I also, have we been going for five hours? Do you need to leave? Is this over? This hasn't been recording at all? Oh, no. We've just hit an hour.

59:01I wanted to say that sometimes it's patchy because the eczema comes also with something alopecia areata. You ever get this? No. Oh, buddy. That's where you get a little patch where the hair doesn't grow. So then I go to a dermatologist and he shoots hair juice into my face so it grows. It's a steroid, basically. But I will have a perfect circle where there's no hair. It's so perfect that it'll look like I shaved a circle into my facial hair. So we can't have that. That can't stand. That's a different guy. So then my guy, Dr. Wildman, goes and shoots some hair juice in there, and then it grows back.

59:39Yeah, that's beautiful. Thank you. Thank you for your doctor, and shout out to him as well. Yes, absolutely. Weill Cornell, that's my guy. What game? All the cameras. What's that? I have a game for you. Okay, I love that. I love games. Why did it flip over? I had to get to the game. Oh, but what was on the other side? I can't tell you that. Okay. We run a very serious show here. As you saw when you walked in. Yes, yes, yes. I think you walked in, Chance immediately kicked over a coffee like Homer Simpson. And then I just heard, oh, and he's in there like wiping it up. I was like, great. I'm going to read you 15 statements.

1:00:14You're going to tell me as quickly as you can. if what I just said is true or false. First one's true. And if you get 10 or more correct, I'm going to give you 50 US dollars. Cash? Yeah. Really? Yeah, you ready? Is it a 50 or is it two 20s and a 10? It's more of a digital wire. I'm not going to lie to you. So I said cash and you just, it's not true. I didn't think you were going to keep going. I didn't think you were going to call my bluff, really. Okay, you ready? Do you have my routing stuff? Yes. I don't think you do. We do. Okay. We have the same management. You ready? Yep. Denver, Colorado is in the Pacific Standard Time Zone.

1:00:47False. False. Mountain Time. Alien vs. Predator was nominated for Best Makeup at the Oscars. True. False. Fuck. The human heart has... Fuck!

1:00:57The human heart has four chambers. True. True. Butterflies taste with their wings. What did you say? Butterflies taste with their wings. False. It's their feet. What? I know. Spider-Man turned off the dark. Spider-Man turned off the dark, ran for less than a year on Broadway. True. False. Three years. Fuck you! Reeve Carney Julie Taymor Of course it's more than a year Stupid Idiot Fuck me Helium is the lightest chemical element What? Helium is the lightest chemical element False False it's hydrogen Yes The Statue of Liberty holds her torch in her right hand Oh god Right hand I'm gonna say false True Fuck you Are you kidding me?

1:01:40Oh it's the book It's the book I hate this fucking thing Go ahead Go ahead. All even numbers are divisible by two. Yes, true. All planets in our solar system have at least one moon. False. True. False. What's your answer? All planets. Okay, is Pluto a planet? Are we counting Pluto as a planet? All planets in our solar system? I'm going to say true. Fuck it. True. It's false. Fuck you! No! Connecticut's motto is he who transplanted still sustains. Fuck you, no false. True. No! I'm from Connecticut. He who transplanted still sustains. What? Please. You just made it up. Pineapples grow on trees. Fucking true.

1:02:30False. Where do they grow? In the ground?

1:02:36I need more time. This is one of the worst. Penguins have knees. Penguins have knees false True

1:02:46Peter Griffin's mother's name is Thelma True True Okay, fine The Nile River flows southward True False, northward Fucking ass The founder of Jolly Bee is still alive True True Let's go How'd he do? Seven Bullshit What you did on that one was fucked up You asking if I have your wiring information before that performance is so true legend. Oh, my God. That was terrible. I'm so sorry. It's fine. I'm so sorry about that. How do you feel? Honestly, I feel good. I feel like maybe I might need a colonoscopy just to relax. Yeah, just to chill out. Yeah. Just to get a nap. Just to reset. Yeah. Let me get the drugs that killed Michael Jackson so I can chill out this afternoon.

1:03:35Well, do you want to tell people where they can find you, what they should be looking out for, how they can support you? You can find me I'm at Cruz Cain On Instagram My special just came out On Dropout It's called Sorry for your loss It's fucking It's so fucking good It's so good You should watch it You should watch it You should watch it And yeah Just come by my Come by my house And say hi Yeah That's beautiful Yeah Where your two children live Yeah come by Absolutely just come by Knock on the door Come on in Yeah Hell yeah Give me a little kiss Yeah Just as friends A friend kiss That's beautiful A handshake and a kiss This was a gorgeous episode Thank you Thank you for doing it You're gorgeous Do you want to plug anything?

1:04:09Yeah, you guys can find me at Caleb Says Things on Everything. My railway post. You can check out my HBO special. It came out last year. It's phenomenal. If it doesn't get nominated for an Emmy, I'll be shocked. Oh, yeah. I want to be nominated. Can I be nominated for that, too? Can you say that? Yeah. You should nominate. Sorry for your loss for an Emmy. And if I get nominated, I'll say I'm not doing it without Caleb. Yeah, I will, too. I'm not doing it. I'll do the same thing. I'm not coming. Yeah, me, too. Okay, great. Cool. Deal. Apple Pay is the simple, secure, and fast way to pay. That's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone.

1:04:42Accepted at millions of places, from big box stores to boutiques, you can check out with your iPhone anywhere contactless payments are accepted. Apple Pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with Face ID before you pay, and your actual card number is never shared with merchants. Add your debit or credit card to Apple Wallet to check out in seconds. Simple. Secure. Fast. That's Apple Pay. Terms apply. Should she say that about the kisses? Is that weird? She doesn't care. She presses send. This is the love story of real hinge couple Daniel and Roisin. Written and read by me, Rufy Thorpe.

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