My Mom Returns

22:53i tried yesterday i have this film camera that i want to get developed okay i took it on tour and took a bunch of pictures and have all kinds of good pictures on there that I want now for me. And I called four places in Kansas City and I said, do you develop film cameras? Disposable film cameras. And two of them said no, but then two of them said no and just take it to Walgreens. And I was like, just take it to Walgreens. I'm doing something here. I'm trying to participate. I'm trying to be a good neighbor. Take it to Walgreens. It pissed me off. I was like, don't say that to people. I said to this woman, Her name was like Lauren or Loretta or something.

23:30She said, just take it to Walgreens, honey. I said, no, honey, don't tell people that. She said, okay. But then I took it. I found a place. Was it Walgreens? In Overland Park. No. No, I had to go to Overland Park about it. May as well have caught a flight. Yeah. Drove all the way out there. But I felt good. I did feel good about it. I'm trying to do, I had to do the same thing yesterday. I had to buy a filter for the air conditioning. And the guy, the maintenance guy, really nice guy, liked him a lot. No shade if he's watching. Could you imagine? Um, my, my Kansas city AC maintenance guy is a gay podcast fan.

24:03Um, no, I've never been more certain that someone doesn't know who I am. And I love that about Mike, but he, he was like, you need a new filter. Just grab it off Amazon. So he was right. That's what it was. Well, it was more than that, but he was like, also get a new filter. Um, my AC was broken on my second and third floor. So I was sleeping in my foyer for a night. Um, but he told me to get the filter off Amazon. I said, Mike, don't tell people that. And I said, do you know anybody local who sells them? He said, oh, yeah, there's some guys in West Bottoms. I said, okay, well, I would lead with that.

24:35That was easy. I could go to West Bottoms. Or they weren't in West Bottoms. They were in River Market. And that's why all of the small town people are not making it. They killed the little man, Alan Jackson. They did kill the little man. Alan Jackson's been saying. But I'm trying to do my part. But I thought that it was crazy that three different people who benefit from people shopping local said, go buy from Walgreens, go to Walgreens, go to Amazon. I said, we should at least stop telling people that. At least make people feel bad. We should shame people a little bit. You know? Yeah. I bet she never thought another minute about it after you got off the phone.

25:11You don't know that. You don't know my impact, Kel. She might have had a real, it might have triggered something for her. I became a better person by people being mean to me. Who was ever mean to you? Abby and Taylor.

25:25Taylor for sure. Abby and Taylor for sure. When I was like 15 and started floating some Republican ideas. I said, suck it up. Those are your sisters. Yeah. I floated a couple Republican ideas because it was really, you know, in vogue. Everyone was kind of being Republican at school. And so I thought, what if I was like that? And then I think I said like two things to them and they said, you're a fucking idiot. Shut up. And I said, no worries. Consider it done. I didn't think that way anymore. I said, okay, sounds good, girls. Thank you. What was I going to tell you or ask you? It was not about any of that.

26:01I got so off course. You wanted me to be a lawyer. You really wanted me to be a lawyer. You thought I was going to be a lawyer from when? From when you were probably in middle school, I think, is when you first started talking about being a lawyer. That's such a – did any part of you that go – like you have a middle school kid saying he wants to be a lawyer. That's like a loser. Did any part of you go like, my kid's a loser? No, I supported whatever you wanted. I'm like, yay, go Caleb. Yeah. I think he should have thought that I was a loser. No, never. Like you're 10 and you want to be a lawyer?

26:32Only when I wanted to go out and party and I had to come get you from your dad's and then I had to stay home. You really hung up on that. I really thought you were a loser. You're really hung up on that, huh? Yeah. Yeah. It's been a long time. You've got a lot of freedom now. I do. Yeah. And I've more than made up for it. What? Yeah. Why did you say it like that? What do you mean? Because I go out, I do whatever I want. Yeah. That's nice. That's nice. What are you doing when you go out? Which part of the time? Like, when you go out, what do you mean? Like, you're going to a bar. Are you going always with your friends?

27:13Are you going out alone? What are you doing out there? Either. Either? Yeah. Like, it took me a long time to get to that, where I felt comfortable just going in somewhere by myself. And a lot of my friends still don't. They will not go in and sit at a bar by themselves. And I do. How do you think you got over that? I don't know. I think I just got so bored because most of my friends are married. I think I just got so bored with, you know, sitting at home by myself. I was like, screw it, I'm going to go. I went and sat at Buffalo Wild Wings for an hour and a half yesterday by myself. made friends with the people beside me and made friends with the bartender.

27:50It was all good. They tried to get me to stay and watch the wing eating contest last night, but I said, I can't.

28:01Why couldn't you? Well, because I don't know if I'm going to blame you or Chance, but somebody scheduled this for sometime around noon today. And I knew I had to get some sleep. Yeah. And I didn't know where any of my stuff was since I just moved, so I had to find it. Yeah, or else you would have stayed for the wing-eating competition. Absolutely. I might have joined in. Yeah. I love you, girl. What can I say? So you made friends last night. I did. When you make friends out, do you get their information? Sometimes. Last night I didn't get these ladies' information. They weren't from here. They were in town for something.

28:39Where were they from?

28:43I didn't catch that. but they said they were here on vacation where were you? I was at Buffalo Wild Wings in Belton in Belton they were in Belton on vacation

28:57I didn't say I make classy friends I said I make friends I don't judge yeah what's going on here? are these people going to come in here? they want to they want to come in here bad and I feel bad for them because they probably want to buy something we can get them something later they'll come back they're getting straight back in the car they're getting straight back in the car it's okay they'll see this later they'll understand at a different time those are fans those might be fans that girl looks like the girl that just walked up to the door looks like she fought people in middle school good god those are my fans those are my fans the girls that like wanted to fight so bad that they would stick up for kids they didn't even believe in you know what i'm saying like they didn't actually care that kid was getting picked on but they'd be like how about you talk to him one more time i'll fucking hit you like they just wanted to hit someone those are my fans those are good fans to have bleep her name but that was my girl she wore a south pole jacket every day even when it was hot she beat the shit out of people on the vo-tech bus she beat people up on the vo-tech bus and she was right by the way she was a nasty woman uh how do you i'm not saying not derogatory what's the other one Complimentary.

30:05She was a nasty woman. Slay. I loved her. Well-behaved women rarely make history. All adventurous women do. Lena Dunham, et cetera. You know what I mean? Anyway, we weren't talking about that. We were talking about you. You make friends a lot when you go out. How do you, okay, so, but what you didn't, I don't remember your answer to how did you get over, how did you get, like, because you used to be a woman who, like, would entertain men that sucked just to have somebody around. Absolutely. You've identified that as part of your thing. For many years. How did you break out of that? Oh, it took a lot of self-healing.

30:41Yeah. It took a lot of learning to love who I am and to learn what I have to bring to the table and that I deserve better. Yeah. You know, I, unfortunately, that's, you know, we talked about that on the last podcast. That's one of the biggest things if I would change something from your childhood that I would is the men I had in and out because I thought that I had to have someone. So it's probably just been in the last three years that I've really gotten so that I don't feel that way. And how I know that I'm completely past it is I've been on several dates that normally I would have been like, oh, I'll just overlook those red flags.

31:28But as soon as I see a red flag, I'm like, no, date's done, and I'm not going to see you again. Yeah. Before I would have moved them in. They would have been your stepdad.

31:41I would have said, this is Johnny. He's living with us now. Yeah, I know. I know. I would have been having quite a few meals with that guy. You would have. Yes. And his ideas about the world would have been not normal. But they would have been our way. You listen to your stepdad. He knows what's right.

32:04Oh, Kelly, you cracked me up. Yeah, that was bad. That was bad. But you got over it somehow. But now that it's just me, I demand to have better. Yeah. Yeah. Now that you have to put up with it alone, now we have to do better. Yeah, that's no fair. That's no fair. I say go back. Just kidding, obviously. Yeah. That is so funny. Wait, what was I going to ask you? Oh, do you think that you made me gay? Or do you think I turned out gay? Because I think you had a role in it. I think there's so many things I did that could have turned you gay. Yeah, for sure. But I think, I mean, let's be honest, from a very young age, I think we knew that.

32:45What? Yeah, I think we knew. What do you mean? That you were gay. How so? Well, I think we talked last time about the little panties, didn't we? I like silk underwear. That's not, we did talk about this and I think you got in trouble. by me for that because that's not inherently gay. No, it doesn't, but you like to wear her dresses and stuff too. Dresses are pretty. They are pretty. And the fact that you wanted to be pretty made me think that maybe you might have some gay tendencies. Nice. Gay tendencies. I've got gay tendencies. Alright, sister, come on. Come on. Am I right? Yeah. Nice. Okay, yeah, I think you had a role though.

33:24Do you think people were born gay? What role do you think I had? Just like your energy. Like you clearly wanted a gay son whether you knew it or not. You know what I mean? You're going to have to go deeper into what my energy was. You just wanted a gay son. You wanted somebody to key with. You wanted to key with me so bad. You loved when I was sassy. Oh, I did love that. And we were... We did a lot of shopping and stuff together, so I guess. Yeah, stuff like that. You wanted me to be gay so bad. And I didn't encourage you to do boy things. No, you didn't. But you did. You played football. You played...

33:55You did one time, though. Do you remember... Do you remember, I think we've talked about this, but it was like 105 degrees out and I didn't want to go to football practice. And you're like, don't be a baby. And you're like mean to me about going to football practice. Well, because I'm a big believer that if you start something, you should finish it. Yeah, but that's like kind of boring. That's a little Republican coded. Yeah. If it's 105, your kid doesn't have to go to football practice, I think. Oh, he went. He did.

34:24Yeah, that was really the only time you were on me about doing a boy thing. Other than that, you were pretty chill. Yeah. I could do kind of whatever I wanted type shit. Yeah, because I wanted to do what I wanted. Yeah, you didn't get to though. That's the hard part about having kids. Yeah. You kind of have to like stop doing what you want. That's why I'm dragging my... It was okay. What? It was okay. Being a parent? No, being a parent was great. Okay, cool. I was worried about that being your review of it. No. It was okay. I loved being a parent. I want to talk more about your stuff with relationships.

34:51I think it's interesting. So you fixed it. Now you're not letting just any man in. How have your dates been going recently? Well, you told me something so gross. You told me that these men that you're dating will try to, like, before you've even met up, like, try to make it sexual quick. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Like middle-aged men on, you're doing, like, Facebook dating, right? Yeah. That makes me really, I wish you wouldn't. Because Facebook is such a. Because to be honest, I'm not committed enough to the dating scene to actually go on a dating site. Yeah. Like, I'm totally cool with just doing my own thing right now.

35:25Yeah. I like that. That's cool. But Facebook dating, these guys are being like, send swimsuit pics. Yes. Oh, they say more stuff than that. That's insane. Yeah. Men are disgusting. They are. Don't you feel? Like, that's really gross. Animals. Genuinely, we're animals. That's insane. But what is the dating pool for single guys your age? That's the worst part, is that, you know, I'm 52 years old. I could see that at 20. Yeah. Ain't nobody want to see any of this at 52. Well, I think you're wrong, because they're on Facebook drooling like dogs. These guys are in your Facebook DMs asking for bikini pics.

36:06That's crazy. That is crazy. That's crazy. What is that? I don't know. I feel for you, because I'm like, where are you supposed to meet? Well, you went on a date with a guy who didn't like gay people. Yeah, actually, and he was from back home. I should have. Yeah. but he said that he didn't know how his family or them would deal with with gay people coming to Thanksgiving. I said fuck you I'm gone. I went on a Thursday and I was supposed to stay the whole weekend. I took Friday off of work and this was Friday morning we had the conversation and I packed up my stuff and I went home. Let's go. What is that?

36:49That's so funny because I don't think of a lot of people where we're from even having those ideas anymore. You know, honestly, it took me by surprise because you have said several times that there are still people like that in this world. Yeah, I mean, I know they're out there. But I hadn't really ran into them. And it disgusts me, actually, you know, that we're that close-minded that we can't accept someone for who they are. Yeah. Yeah, but you've been saying this. You've been on this. Oh, yeah. I've always felt that way, but... You were cool with gay people a long time ago. I was. And trans people.

37:24You're rocking out. I don't care what people do. Yeah, it's weird. I mean, life's hard enough. Why would I care what anyone does? Don't judge me, and I'm not going to judge you, and it's all going to be fine. Right on, sister. That's what I've been saying. You stole that from me. No, I think you got it from me. Yeah, I don't know. Dating single 50-year-old straight men in Missouri. it sends a chill down the spine to think about it's uh it's been fun yeah what are you gonna do you ever I mean I brought it up last time but of course I have to bring it up again just because I like to check in with you I think that you would be very happy with lesbianism I do I think that you and a woman would make a beautiful partnership I think that and I think I said this before I I could live with a woman.

38:14I think we would have a wonderful relationship, but I don't think I could do the sexual part. Yeah, that's true. And some people are just straight, and there's nothing wrong with that. I love you no matter what. Strictly dickly. That's what they used to say at the women's prison. Yeah. Yeah. They were strictly dickly, gay for the stay, and gay all the way. Those are the three genders. Yes. I learned a lot working there. This is good. This is good. The women's prison is good. What did you learn working there? I learned I didn't want to go to prison, for one thing. Why is that? What did you not know before that you needed to know to be convinced?

38:54Well, I pretty much knew before, but just seeing some of the things and hearing some of the things that go on. Besides, I would have been someone's bitch. Mom. I'm sorry, but I couldn't do it. Mom. Why do you say that? Because I'm so laid back and shy, and I don't know how to fight. I wouldn't be able to fight my way out of it.

39:26Yeah, I guess maybe you would have been. Yeah. That's crazy. I didn't. What else did you learn in there? You worked at the women's prison for... You were a nurse at the women's prison for... Two years. Two years. and can you talk about anyone that was in there when you were there or no? No, but there was a lot of them that I truly felt didn't deserve to be there. Why? There was one in particular that I remember that she had killed her husband when she was 15. So that alone tells you that she had had a rough life. Yeah. Supposedly he was very abusive But because she had I guess planned it She got life in prison She was in her 40s And she'd been in prison that whole time I think that's a bit much And I felt very bad for her She'd always been a model prisoner So some people like that Because you know back then so that would have been what 30 years ago 40 years ago when she'd committed the crime yeah I think that um there wasn't as much talk about women being abused and about they should have the right to protect themselves or and so there there were people in there for that reason and had been in there for many years and I felt bad for them yeah I think they had served their time So you think that she should have served time, but that she should have not gotten a life sentence?

41:02I don't know exactly which one I feel, but I definitely think that she should have been released way before then. Yeah. I mean, you don't even know who you are at 15 years old. So there were some sad cases in there. Yeah. Yeah, I think I remember you talking about it when I was younger. and there were a lot of women in there that were in there because they, yeah, killed a man who was abusing them or like a lot of it was like people who had no options just like doing what they kind of had to do. No, there was one that was in there for embezzlement and she's like, she's like, I was just tired of being poor.

41:39I wanted some money too. I'm like, girl, girl, I get you. Queen, yeah. Hey, shout out. I mean, you tried. Was she in there for a long time? I think she got like 10 years. Yeah. I probably did half of it. I don't know. You win some, you lose some when you embezzle. Yeah. I mean, she was probably living her best life for a while. Yeah. But you know, when people embezzle, they always get caught. Chance in Virginia. Oh. They always get caught. Oh. And the law always wins. It's weird to me that he would throw you guys under the bus like that. Not throwing under the bus, just having a conversation. Just talking about what happens to people who steal from their boss.

42:17I'd cut that part, Chance. No, we're going to leave it. We'll leave it. We're going to let his fans know. We're going to call this Exhibit C.

42:30Was there anyone else in there that you really loved? Or any other situation that you were like, yeah, hell yeah. Or hell no, I guess. Although that's sadder. Yeah, I don't want to talk about those situations. I know you don't. You're probably on the verge of tears already. Actually, I'm doing pretty good today. I don't think we'd been talking 10 minutes last time and I was crying. Yeah, you cried immediately. Well, we got in. This is a more playful episode, I'll say. Last one, we pretty much immediately, I was like, here's my trauma. Yeah. What did you cry about so soon last time? You cried like immediately.

42:59Something I had done to you in your childhood. It was the Christmas. It was the Christmas thing. It was the TV. It was the TV. Oh, my God. Dude, people were so mad at me about that, too. They were like, how dare you? I'm like, I was a kid. I was a child. They didn't like me. They were on your side the whole way. Which is like, yeah, with hindsight, as adults, we can both be on your side. Yeah. How's my hair look? It looks pretty good. I'm really liking your shirt, though. Is it being normal today? Did you look at my hair and then say that? No. No, I was thinking about one of the clips where people were mad at me from our last episode.

43:33I didn't like the way my hair looked. And I was like, God, on top of everything. You guys are mad at me. You're on my mom's side. And I look foolish. Anyway. You look very dapper today. It wasn't important. Thanks, Mom. Anyway. Yeah, you cried about that. But was there anyone else in the prison that you were like, yeah, it's cool what you did. You're pro-embezzlement. We learned that. Yeah. I don't know. Those are the ones that really stand out. Dude, you got to understand not wanting to be poor anymore. I get it. We were so poor when I was growing up. It sucked. We were so poor. I hated that.

44:10You did a podcast recently that made me cry. Okay. Okay, what did I say? Well, all I got to say is one word, and you're going to know which podcast it was. Yeah. Gap. Oh, God, you texted me about this. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Tell your story. He's like, we were so poor, we had to wear hand-me-downs, and Mom would go to Goodwill, bring home perfectly fine clothes, is what you said. I would get so mad at you about Goodwill. You'd be like, I got to wear these things. Well, look, some of my friends at school had new name brand stuff. And it was like Under Armour. And you remember when Under Armour was like popping off when I was a kid?

44:52I bet you do. And it was like you couldn't get Under Armour hand-me-down. You know, because it wasn't even old enough for that yet. So I was like very insecure because I was a kid and kids are stupid. And I wanted the name brands that everyone else was wearing and we couldn't afford them. I think what really made me sad about it was that you remember getting that Gap sweater and how happy you were to get something new and then you were kicked in the balls, basically. Yeah. Well, the story from the, I don't remember whose podcast this was on, but the story was that I wore a brand new Gap sweater and I was proud to have like something name brand because we didn't get to do that.

45:28And you didn't even make it on the bus, did you? No, I was at the bus stop. I was at the bus stop. and stuff. I was like a sweet kid, and I didn't know really what bullying was. And so someone was like, hey, nice sweater. And I was like, thanks. My mama got it for me. I was like, thanks, my mom bought it for me, brand new. And then they were like, oh, really? Yeah, GAP actually stands for gay-ass people. Yes. And I was like, I didn't know you could do that. I didn't know you could. So what did you do? I was on the verge of tears. I was like, that was literally the moment I learned about bullying.

46:10I was like, I didn't know you could make someone feel good in order to make them feel bad. I was shocked. It was like new technology to me. It was like you had told me what an atom bomb is. I was like, you can't do that. It was crazy. He turned it inside out. I turned it inside out. That way the rest of the day it never wore it again. Yeah. But I always tried to make sure that you guys looked very nice. So I guess that was a little heartbreaking for me. And I feel like I did not succeed in that. in that department. You did. We always looked good. We always had, we always had, and you know what?

46:38It taught me, it built character. Yeah. It's good that we didn't grow up with money. I'm sure I would be, God, can you imagine what I would be like if we grew up with money? You'd probably be a dick. I probably. I'm glad. I'm thinking about becoming one now. I'm glad you, I'm glad you grew up poor. Nice. Thanks. I think we both have to. I like what it's done for you. Yeah, we both have to be okay with it because it's what happened. It's. Yeah, being poor sucks, dude. It does. yeah no fun how'd you do it I worked a lot you did and you never did the you you never did like food stamps or anything even though we probably should have huh that's correct what was your hang-up about that I don't know I just I just felt you were my responsibility yeah would have been better for you to have some help though do you think you would do it differently now or rather what would you do differently now knowing the stuff you know you might not have been here you wouldn't have had kids well I don't know that I would have had them at 18 and 21 I don't think you should have had kids that I don't think yeah I think I'm on your street well you know you don't like when I say this but you should have definitely had an abortion with Colton you were way too young to be having a kid I was young did you consider abortion or no I forget your ideas on that At one point I did, but not so much because I didn't want him, but because I was so sick and so depressed that I was like, I got nothing to give.

48:12Yeah. You know. Get this guy out of here. Yeah. Yeah. But you didn't do it. Mm-mm. Do you regret it? No. Nice. I just have to check. I'm an interviewer. No. No worries. It's cool. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. I think it's unfortunate that anti-abortion people will use examples of women who didn't get abortions. Like for you, for example, you're so glad you had your kids. You like your life. You love your kids. Now you have kids that are out in the world that are adults. And they would use that as a reason that we shouldn't have it or that people shouldn't do it. I think that sucks. Yeah. Because I think there's so many examples of people who were in your same situation that did get an abortion that it saved their life or allowed them to do X, Y, and Z or allowed them to have kids in a better way in the future, et cetera.

48:55I just don't think that you can, I don't think you can judge any situation, you know, like, because every situation is different. I mean, had I had an abortion, would my life have turned out different? Yes. Would it have been better? I doubt it. I like my life. I like your life, too. It would be different. You might have, yeah, who knows what would have happened for you. It doesn't matter. It's not the choice that you made. It's not the life that you have. But, yeah, I think if there's a woman in your situation who's 18 and pregnant and doesn't know what she's going to do with the baby, she doesn't have to struggle through it just because.

49:29Yeah. She should do whatever she needs to. I think that when I got pregnant with Cole and then I went, you know, I had just gotten out of high school, which my plan was always to be a nurse, I think I would have went to college and I would have been drunk and stupid and I wouldn't have graduated. but I think because I had kids and I went when I was a little older I took it a little more serious. Yeah, I don't know. I think everything happens for a reason. Yeah? Yeah. I like that idea. But by the time you got around to getting pregnant with me you should have been a little more careful. I don't know what you were thinking then.

50:07Second kid with that guy? You've seen my run of men. What did you say? You've seen my run of men. Your run of men, yeah. I have. It's an interesting lineup. Actually, I really liked your dad. I think I told you that in the last broadcast. My dad was cool. But yeah, he obviously wasn't ready to be a parent. No. He was bad at that. No. He didn't like the idea at all. No, shout out to the big guy. Yeah, I get it. If I could get people pregnant on accident, my life would be hell. I would have had a kid already. That would have been a nightmare. It would have. What would I have done? You guys were like 23, 24?

50:4121. 21? Jesus Christ. Yeah. If I had a kid at 21 on accident, if I was having sex with women, and whoever, any person I had sex with said, I'm pregnant and I'm keeping it, I'd have been like, damn. Can I change your mind?

51:01Anything we can do to change that idea or no? That's just crazy to me. But shout out to people getting pregnant for real. And shout out to you. Make it a goal. And shout out to you for keeping it. Yeah. I definitely, if I were you, would have aborted me. Do you know how many people have thanked me for having you? It's a beautiful thing, really. That's... I got thanked today for having you. That's very sweet. Yeah, that's... Well, you know. Yeah. They didn't have to put up with it. You know, I just did what I did. They weren't there. I just did what I did. I just had sex with Caleb's dad. And, well...

51:37And, well... Here he is. Now you have a gay podcaster in the world. Not enough of us, by the way. Gay podcasters. I'm going to become like one of those right-wing, populate-the-world type people, but instead of for making Christians, I'm going to be like, we need to make more gay podcasters. I think if anybody can do it, you can. What would you do if I became really right-wing? Would you support me still? I support whatever you decide. Nice. That's technically the wrong answer, but was beautiful nonetheless. That's technically not correct, but I love that you feel that way. I do. You think you'd ever run for office?

52:09No. I think you'd be good in politics. We need people like you in politics. People who want nothing to do with it. Like, have a beer and do whatever you want. Straight up, dude. Yeah. That would be an incredible platform. It would be. A nurse from Missouri who's just like, everybody have a Miller Lite and chill the fuck out. Yeah. That's a good platform. You should run. Not for, like, president or anything. I wouldn't do that to you. What do you think I could do? You could do whatever you wanted, but I think you'd be an incredible, maybe in the Missouri House of Representatives, you'd be really good at it mom they'd be lucky to have you over there yeah they'd be lucky to have me right now it's a lot of dimwitted fucking freaks in that building they are you don't have to agree but good god I don't know if you've heard any of these people talk but it's like the fucking hills have eyes if it were a congress Jesus fucking Christ we are so fucked these people it's like deliverance but less intellectual it's crazy We could get you in there.

53:07You could do some cool stuff. Would you ever consider it? Then I'd have to work with all those people. I know, but someone's got to do it. Someone's got to do it. Or maybe city council. I could maybe take one for the team. I think it would be cool of you is all I'm saying. What would your platform be? What would you do for real? I have no idea. You would have to come up with my platform. That's what I like about you as a candidate. I would embrace whatever you gave me. I love that vision. Yes. I love the way you think, baby girl. It's good shit. It's good shit. Thanks, bro. So Virginia wants to know what's on your dating profile.

53:42It's just Facebook, right? It's just your Facebook profile? No, it's just like a dating app. It's Facebook dating. Oh. Yeah. God, these fucking tech billionaires. They're in everything now. They are. It's insane. Yeah. These guys, well, I can't talk about what I think we should do to them. I'll get flagged and in trouble. But Facebook dating, what is your profile like? Do you have prompts on there? I have pictures on there, and I have some of my favorite shows on there and some of my favorite music on there, and just what I'm looking for. What are you looking for? I would like to find my forever.

54:20I mean, I would like to eventually, you know, 52 years old, never been married. I would like to get married at some point, maybe. But just somebody that could, you know, I think we talked about this a little bit yesterday at lunch. It's somebody that has the same beliefs that I do, but something that's really important to me is you're going to have to have a personality. I mean, if you can't laugh or take sarcasm, because I have a very sarcastic sense of humor, if you can't take that, then it's probably not going to work. Or if I'm having to say, oh, I didn't mean that. It was a joke. That's not going to work.

54:58Yeah. Yeah. So, and just somebody that's honest and somebody that, you know, enjoys drinking beer on back roads and bonfires and good music and, yeah. So that's kind of what's on my profile, Virginia. Thank you. You're welcome. I want that for you. I want that. Do you think that men struggle, do you think that straight men, in your experience, struggle with like a fart? Fart? I mean, maybe. They might. I was trying to say funny, smart. Like a funny, smart woman who knows what she wants. I think some men probably do because, you know, I could date ones that are a little younger. And I have went out with some that are a little younger.

55:48Hell yeah, queen. How young are we talking? How young are we talking? I think the youngest one that I went out with was 42. Okay. Nice. Not 18. I didn't want it to be 18. I guess I was kind of hoping you'd drop like a 34. I'd be like, ooh, Kelly. Yeah. So, I mean, I guess, I just lost my train of thought. What were we talking about? Do you think that, in your experience, do you think that straight men are intimidated by a smart, funny woman? So I think the older guys, I think some of them are still in the era of women should be quiet, spoke when spoken to. So barefoot and pregnant. You're no good at that.

56:31No. Come on, sister. My head would be rolling down the hill. I know, that's right. I'd be on the guillotine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so a lot of the guys in your age bracket are still in the make dinner, shut up. Not all of them, but I think a lot of them still feel like the man should make the decisions. Ugh. Yeah. Disgusting. That's insane. Yeah. I just feel so disconnected from that ideology. I'm so not around it, and I'm so not a part of it. that I feel when I hear it, I'm just like, you're kidding. It feels like a sitcom device to me. Right. And I'm like, that's made up for TV. That's also not the way that any of the women in our family, like, that's just not our reality.

57:12Like, I don't think the women in our, I don't think the women, like, I don't know, I just think all the women in our family are so strong. And they put up with a lot of bullshit, I will say. Like, the men in our family have gotten away with some shit that I'm like, you should have been killed for that one. But I don't think it's ever been like that. I don't think it's ever been like, be quiet, be docile, speak when spoken to. none of the women in our family have been that way so I have a hard time imagining that that's actually happening yeah it does still that's nuts to me maybe you could get yourself a younger guy I've had some fun with some younger ones come on now one of them I met at Buffalo Wild Wings I know that's fucking right can I buy you a beer?

57:51I'm like yeah you can

57:57how'd that go? Did you date him? Did you take him home? Not that date. I didn't. Nice. Hell yeah. Made him work for it a little bit. Yeah. Are you bringing guys back to your place or are you going to their place? I'm not going to tell you how that ended. Nice. Well, I'm assuming you hooked up with him. But I'm just wondering. He didn't come to my place. Nice. Nice. I couldn't tell you when the last time was there was a guy at my place. I like that. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I don't like people knowing where I live, really. I mean, men. Except for strangers you meet at the bar, of course. Strange women.

58:29She was a friend of a friend. So it's not like she was a complete stranger. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like men knowing where I live either. Whatever. I mean, I bring them over, but I don't like the idea of them knowing where I live. When they leave, as soon as we're done having sex, I'm like, damn, it's crazy that you know where I live. I don't like that part of it. Well, maybe you should have them blindfolded. I haven't tried it, but I'm open to it. Could be something. I think you've got to be safe nowadays. Yeah. More and more people are knowing who you are. A lot of guys on the dating apps now, because gay men, you know, gay men, don't get me started.

59:06But a lot of guys on the dating apps now hitting me up to, they want to talk about what I do for work. They want to be like, oh, I'm a huge fan. What's it like being friends with so-and-so? And I'm like, in what world would I, like, put yourself in my shoes and think about, would you ever want to have that discussion with a stranger on a dating app? In what world would I ever be into that? Yeah, why would you even waste your energy on that? Why would I be talking to you? It's like you yourself just acknowledged I have cooler friends than you. Why would I be talking to you? It makes no sense. I'm like, I don't even.

59:34I'm way out of your league. No, it's not that. It's just like if you think my life is so interesting that you would bother me like that on a dating app, what would make you think that I would be like, oh, yeah, I'll talk to this stranger about whatever random person they're a fan of that I'm friends with. It's like do some math. That makes no sense. So that has to be very hard for you to be on a dating app and not know if people genuinely want to get to know you or just want to get to know you because of who you are and what you do. That would be difficult, I think. Yeah, and it is difficult, and it's also stupid because it's like what I do is so silly that I'm like, I can't imagine wanting to be friends with someone because they're a comedian.

1:00:12I'm like, that's dumb to me. I don't find that intriguing. I don't find what I do to be that interesting, genuinely. I like what I do. I love my job. I'm very grateful that this is my life. Thank God for it. But I don't know. When someone tells me they're like a statistician or something, I'm like, I would so much rather hear about that than hear about what an actor does. I don't know. I just think other things are more interesting. So when someone goes out of their way to make our conversation about that, I find that fundamentally boring. I have a hard time connecting with that I think that a lot of dating for it to succeed you kind of have to be on the same playing field

1:00:59and I don't really know how to explain that I'm not even necessarily talking about money but you have to be somewhat on the same level of intelligence in the same level of, and those people that bring that to the table are probably not in the same level of intelligence that you are. I know what you mean by that. I don't think I would say, I don't think I would call it intelligence. I don't think intelligence is the word I'm looking for. Yeah, I'm not, it's not, I'm not, yeah, I don't think it's, like intelligence doesn't feel good. That feels mean and kind of like elitist to me, to apply to me.

1:01:32Yeah, I don't, that's not the word I'm looking for. But I mean more like, yeah, there is something about, if you're somebody who's blown away by the fact that I, if you're blown away by like the fact of my job then we're likely not a match. There's an imbalance there that is not healthy because I'm not blown away by that. And I don't think it's, if you're like wowed by the fact that I've like hung out with a famous person that we're not going to be a match day to day. You know what I mean? I'm still trying to think of the right word. Yeah, I know what you mean. I know what you mean though. And it's like also, yeah, I just wish I could, I wish I could give the knowledge to them that most famous people are fucking boring.

1:02:09They're so boring. They are not, I promise you, they are not interesting. They are, they are, the more famous they are, they are further and further removed from reality. They don't do anything interesting. They do their job. They go home. They go on, like, nice trips. But they stay in, like, sterile, highly secure, like, facilities, effectively. They get bothered everywhere they go, which totally kills the vibe. It's not fun to be out with someone who's getting bothered all the time. Yeah, it's just, like, they're not interesting. Yeah. They haven't shopped for their own groceries in years. They don't.

1:02:42Like, it's not a, you think of hanging out with a famous person, and you're like, oh, that must be so exciting. Not really. Unless you're an alcoholic or a drug addict. Then it's really exciting because they have access to all that stuff. But I don't drink or do drugs like that, so it's not fascinating to me to go to any of those things. You know what I mean? Yeah. You would probably like the drinking part of it. Yeah. You get down like that. I mean, if it says on their profile they don't drink, I don't. I don't because because honestly I like to drink I like to go out and have a drink and have wings or just visit with people meet new people I enjoy it yeah I'm not going to change that yeah so if you don't drink and I'm go we go out on a date and you're like she's having two beers that's gonna piss me off I mean I'm like I'll pay for it myself you don't have to pay for it but don't sit over there and tell me how many I can have yeah but there's sober people who wouldn't I mean you're probably not interacting with them but there are sober people that aren't like that I grow out with people who drink all the time I date people who drink a lot and it's fine I'm like go nuts dude because I'll get a little high I'll smoke some weed you have some cocktails we can meet some people together but you've laid down your boundaries But a lot of people that don't want to drink don't want to go into a bar or go into, and the bars that I go into are very, they're a hole in the wall.

1:04:06I mean, it's just to talk to people. Yeah. But yeah, it's to talk to people, but it's like, these are not bars where there's anything else going on. No, it's not bands. It's not, it's just very laid back down to earth people that just like to sit in there and shoot the crap. And, you know, a lot of them, they know each other's families. I mean, it's just nice. It is nice. Well, also, I think sobriety has changed a lot. I think people that are sober in your age bracket, I'm quite a bit younger than you, not to brag. Wouldn't have worked out if you weren't. I think a lot of people in your age bracket, sobriety is a different thing.

1:04:45Sobriety in our age bracket is like, it's very common. It's like not a big deal. It's like, I don't know. It just feels like there is a different culture around it. I feel like a lot of the sober older people I know are very like, I do not want to be in bars. I do not want to be around alcohol. This was very hard for me. And a lot of sober people my age are like, I don't know, like California sober, where it's like they'll smoke a little weed or they'll have like one sip of a drink, but they don't mind being in the space. You know what I mean? And I think maybe that's what I'm thinking of. A lot of people my age that don't drink, it's because they either never did and they've been against it or because they've had a problem at one time and now they don't like being around it.

1:05:19Yeah, which is totally valid. And that probably would be a relationship difficulty. But it is funny to me that your two things and dating are like, they cannot be an atheist and they must like alcohol. That's just funny to me. I like that. I think that's iconic. I mean, I don't know why I haven't landed somebody. Okay, mom. Hey, thanks for being here. We meandered this episode. I like that for us. Yes. Is there anything you want to leave the people with? Anything that you wanted to say that you didn't say? Any thoughts you have? Your big second appearance? I'm just thankful to be back and to see all of you and get to visit with all of you.

1:06:00And hopefully Caleb will have me back again. We'll have you around for a visit, Queen. Don't you worry. We'll have you around for a visit real soon. As you should. As you should. Kelly, tell the people where they can find you. Well, last time I said Kansas City and Caleb said that's not what they meant. No, I think that's right for you. Facebook, Instagram. You want them to find you on Instagram? They can. What are you posting on there? Well, I'm maybe going to cut this. What are you posting on Instagram? I just got back on there, so there's not hardly anything at all on there. I don't even follow you on Instagram, I don't think.

1:06:31I follow you. Nice. What's your handle? My what? What's your name on Instagram? Kelly Heron. Is it at Kelly Heron, one word? I think so. Yeah, Virginia. Positive. Oh, hey. What? Hot pictures. Is it at Kelly Heron? Yeah. How many followers she got on there? 103 I'll have you know nice good job Kel way moron it's a picture of a car why'd you post a picture of a car that's not me it's not somebody's impersonating no mom you've got impersonators oh that ain't cool that's what happened to my Facebook page I lost everything for years and years I had to start a whole new Facebook like seven months ago it's a picture of a car oh it's they're doing crypto they're trying to sell crypto in your name that's what happened on Facebook.

1:07:23Look at the profile picture. It's her. Oh, Kelly. Oh, you're Heron underscore Kelly. Is that you? Mm-hmm. This is your profile picture on there? Yes. Okay. You're so pretty. Okay, 19 followers. Okay. And doesn't follow Virginia. That's because I don't know. I don't know who to follow. It's fine. Virginia can add me. She's followed by Allie Holyfield. Allie founder. All right, shout out. Well, follow mom if you want to. She has not posted on there. I don't know what you're doing on there. I'm on TikTok a lot. You're on TikTok. Yeah, you send me a lot of TikToks that are like, it's like violin music that's like...

1:07:58I actually just saved one last night. And then it's like text over an ocean that's like, your youngest son may not know this, but all you do is think about him and wish for his happiness. May God bless him in his journeys. Send one like for your youngest son who you love. And you send me stuff like that. I do. I say, I'm sorry that my younger self couldn't be the person I am today and raised you in the way that I did. Hey, you did great, brother. Love you. Love you. Bye. Bye. That was a HeadGum Podcast.