Nico Carney Believes in Evolution

25:00Yeah. And like, we're important to here. And if we did leave here, you guys would be fucked. Yeah. You can't do this without us. No, totally. I feel like the Kansas city that you love is not the same without all the trans people making it cool. Totally. And like, that is reality. Like you can't, you just can't do any of this without us. You need us. And we like the same way that like queer people living in cities need farmers that they don't agree with on stuff. Y 'all need us too. Like we all need each other. And that's being like obscured by these rich billionaire psychopaths that are like sending out like bat signal hate messages to us.

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26:58And we're back. This show gives me a reason to laugh. Yeah, no, and it's, I don't know, it's just like, it's given me such a more, I think, well-rounded, I don't know, view of people because just like you just are used to having grown up with all these people that you don't agree with at all, like having to like have gone to school with these kids forever. And I don't know, it's just interesting. It's also been, I mean, I will say on the flip side, it has been a little tough at times to like, you know, I've definitely lost relationships because of people's political leanings and, you know, how that intersects with my identity and things like that.

27:27And it's like, it can be really frustrating, I think, to like be like, I see this place as this beautiful opportunity. And like, you know, I find that like a lot of the north is a lot less diverse than they were like, oh, we're like really great to black people up here. I'm like, you don't have any black people up here. What are you talking about? Like, you know, it's like, yeah, there's actually. Or they live or you live in a separate part of town. Right. And y 'all don't interact. Yeah. It's like or exactly. That was shocking to me. Yeah. When I was coming from Kansas City where, look, everybody was poor, but white folks and black folks were hanging out all the time.

27:57and the Mexican folks and like everybody was together at the same barbecue restaurant and then I moved to Chicago and the black folks and the white folks by and large separated intentionally by interstates not talking not hanging out not being in the same spaces and I was shocked I was like oh this is like supposed to be like liberal heaven like what is going on right and it's like yeah and then so it's always so anyway so all that to say like I just find it really I can find it frustrating on the flip side of that argument of like when like I can see this beautiful diverse place that could be so much more and you're just hanging on to your creature comforts and you're this middle zone where you get to feel comfortable all the time.

28:34So it makes me frustrated at times that some people down there really double down on the comfort of just being like, I live on a river and I'm never going to be politically engaged. And honestly, if I did, I wouldn't either. Living on the river is part of it. Yeah, I would love to live on the river and not be politically engaged either, but yeah. Something about living by a body of water makes a whole bunch of people go, I'm done. I'm not, I'm not. Hey, it's five o 'clock somewhere. It's five to talk always. That's so funny. You said something earlier that I am coming back to since then and have been thinking a lot about lately, which is you were like, oh, yeah, I think a lot of kids in high school just feel like this regardless.

29:09Yeah. Like even if you weren't trans, that you're like growing up and feeling artistic even in Georgia. You'd be like, I got to get the fuck out of here. And I've been thinking about that so much with this like driver's license situation in Kansas. About my buddy. I have a – my buddy is a trans guy. He lives in Missouri. he passes most people in his, not most people in his life. A lot of people he interacts with at work. He's a mechanic. Don't know. And he's not out to anybody at work. And then this fucking license thing happened in Kansas where they revoked everyone's driver's licenses. He's on the Missouri side.

29:37So he still has his license for now. But of course we all have like these big fears that it's going to happen there. Yeah. But he works in Kansas a lot. And so he was forced to come out to his HR supervisor, which is extremely unsafe. We, she, we don't know, like we, we didn't know how she was going to react. And luckily she was really cool and she was like, you know, don't tell any of the other guys. Like, I got you. We'll take care of it. We'll figure it out when the time comes, which is so lucky. Don't tell them when they're under a car. What? Boom! And then they'll have little birds flying around their head.

30:07And then they'll transition. It'll be a nightmare. I mean, we're going to have to get what a health plan we're going to have to get. This cannot be a trans mechanic center. No, no, no. But yeah, like he goes and fixes these people's cars that like would probably did vote against to his rights and if he gets his driver's license revoked like it's not even this like i don't know these debates turn into these like big like weird conversations that are so unrooted in pragmatism it's like no this guy just needs to get to work like that's the other thing it's like okay so we take a bunch of people's driver's license away okay now nobody's getting anything at the coffee shop these people can't get to work like you know what i mean it's like i mean it's just like it's like it is it's just not practical at all it's just like we're just getting a bunch of people who now have to like try to figure out how to get the bus on time and that's like not helpful i don't know it's just it's exactly that it's just like it's like this isn't even something that's gonna even if you didn't want trans ideology out there like people not getting to work is not gonna help it's the the yeah the thing that it makes me like so sad and pissed off about is i'm like this is actually it's painted as this like unrelatable thing that is nowhere near your community and i'm like no it's the most relatable thing imaginable you're a teenager who doesn't feel loved and wanted.

31:23You're barely making rent and you have to be able to get to work. These are the most relatable things in the world. You have three to four situationships that are untenable. Hello, your polycule is going through a tumultuous time. And they are, and there's a lot of infighting and that's a big part of the community is fighting yourselves. How is that going to help anybody? It won't, but we will. Every farmer in Kansas has had a situation where their polycule got out of control. Okay? Yes, they also have multiple wives It's okay Someone wasn't doing their chores Someone wasn't being communist enough at the book club Like, we've all experienced these things These are universal I know I mean, I was just telling my friend Jesse When we were playing pool the other night I just really hope that this year's Dyke March gets off without a hitch Oh my god, I'm gonna knock that over I was curious what would happen with the water But I just wanted to see what would happen with it Wait, what's happening with Dyke March?

32:14I don't know, every year it's like We have just announced that we are doing the Dyke March again and there is a fight happening between the organizers. It's like every year without fail, there's some sort of infighting going on, and it's like, what if the theme of this year's march was we're all going to have fun? Yeah. What if we were all going to have a good time? Well, I feel like, which march was it? It was some pride thing that they were like, we're doing it again this year, of course, and we are having the cops. Like, was that part of it? There was, like, I think in the early, I mean, to be fair, this is all people trying to be respectful respectful and empathetic, I think.

32:48And it, whatever, gets out of hand. But I think it began maybe with, like, there was, yeah, maybe something with the cops. I think there was something to do with masking, like, post-COVID, like, if there was, like, everybody had to wear a mask, if there was, like, a masking section. I don't know. Anyway, it started off as those kinds of things, but then it always escalates to just, like, people, like, I mean, it's, like, so many people's exes are probably working on this thing. It's, like, it's just gonna, it's a hotbed. It's a hotbed. Look, my only goal for this year is that the Dyke March goes off without a hitch.

33:12Listen, I always have a great time, but I'm just like, and what were we fighting about? Everybody's out here in the sun. Like, having a good time. People get their shirts off. This is great. Hello. Yeah. That is so funny. Yeah, I mean. Like, maybe I'm naive, but to me, when I first went for the first time, I was like, the most powerful thing that's happening right now is that I'm looking around and seeing a bunch of people like me, like, with their shirts off doing, like, incredible things and just, like, being out here kissing each other. I was like, this is healing so much in me. Like, whether or not we are, I don't know, abiding by every possible, you know, moral upstanding thing we could be doing here today, I think there's a lot of good being done.

33:42Let's just have a good time. That is, yeah, we're splintering. We got to stop splintering over stupid stuff. Like there's all the, like the language policing and the, like, like who makes fun of who in the community. I'm like, do we want to be in community or not? Everyone needs to relax. Everyone needs to get cool quick. Yeah. Because it's not helping. It's only making it worse. It's splintering us. And they're on the other side, by the way, they're completely unified on everything. Of course. They have a, they, on the, on the right wing side of things, they have somebody who comes out and says something that almost none of them agree with.

34:08And they go, yeah, that's crazy, but he's ours. It's like, can we get some out on the left? It's literally like being like, well, that's my uncle. That's their attitude towards everything. That's our senator. I know, yeah. That's our senior senator from Utah. Sorry. Even with them all kind of coming out against, like, even that, it's like not even working. Wait, I was going to say something about, oh, I was going to say, despite all we're saying, I will still be coming for gay guys. I'm not sorry about that. What are you coming for gay guys on? Their behavior. Yeah, what are we doing? How they speak.

34:36How they speak to me. How they speak. Right over my head. How are they speaking to you? Directly above? Directly above me talking to another gay guy? No, I'm just fucking around. I've been doing a joke up top where I, when I ask if there's any gay guys in the house, and then they'll say, you know, they'll cheer, and I'm like, oh, I love when there's gay guys in the audience because they have to listen for once, and I think that's nice. Dude, Carly Kane has this fucking, you and Carly, yeah, you know each other because we've all hung out. I feel like I've met her once before, maybe, but I'm familiar, yeah.

35:06She has this fucking hilarious joke where she was doing it all the time, opening for me on tour, which was disrespectful, where she's like, she's like, I'll butcher it, but maybe I'll have Carly send a video of her doing the joke and we'll put it in right here. But basically the joke is she's like, I love hanging out with my gay guy friends because I don't have to say a word. I wake up the next morning, I have no anxiety, and I'm like, why don't I feel weird about last night's hang? Oh, I didn't speak once. And she's like, my gay guy friends are the best because they don't care about anyone else.

35:32And she would tell that joke every night on my show, and I'm like, I'm your best gay guy friend. That is so fucking funny. You're like, okay, I'm the aforementioned gay guy. Sorry to, yeah. Number one gay guy in your life, I think. I'm chatty and I'm about to chat for another hour for you guys. So not beating the chatty allegations. So fucking funny.

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42:42that's so funny what is the makeup of your audience what's who's mostly in there I get a good amount of trans people. I get a lot of lesbians, a lot of bisexual women. And then I'll get, like, some straight people, and then I'll get, like, parents of trans kids sometimes, too, that are, like, really excited about, you know, that kind of stuff. There was a guy in the front row. That could make me cry for kind of no reason, by the way. I know, right? Oh, my God. So I have two stories. So there was a guy in Philly who was front row of my show, and he was, like, very burly looking, and I was just kind of like, okay, did you know what you were coming to?

43:12Because I never know with, like, clubs and stuff like that. because like I'm doing it like my audience is like uh I'm very grateful for everybody who comes to the show but I'm not like so like sellout level or whatever so I'll get some like random people that just show up and I'm always like okay well I'll be like this um but then he stood up at the end and he had a uh parents of trans kids or whatever or protect cancer shirt on it I was like and I was like okay this is awesome um but I was at it I did a benefit uh pride I did Heartland Pride in Omaha last summer which was really cool it was a cool event um and they did like a little a meet and greet kind of thing after for the acts that were going on.

43:43And this, uh, this little trans boy ran up with his two trans dads. And I was like, I've found the epicenter of my audience. Everything builds from here. Like I was like, this is the perfect family. Um, so anyway, so the two trans dads and the trans son. And I just like talk about being a short guy on stage. And, uh, the, the, one of the dads was like, he kept being like, he's not that short. Why is he saying that? He's not that short. And the dad was like, I didn't know how to tell him. Like he has no understanding of like, Like, what short is he? He has two trans dads. Like, to him, like, height is, like, not...

44:14It doesn't exist. It's like, yeah, it's like, we're the tallest people you know, and we're 5 '3". Like, it's like... Yeah, it's like, oh, yeah. Okay, you don't know. So I get a lot of that, which is cute, yeah. That's so fucking funny. Yeah. Yeah, I mean... I guess mine's a lot of bisexual women. They're really in there. I mean, they're good ticket buyers, and I love them. They buy tickets because they have good jobs. Uh-huh. Bisexual women, quiet as it's kept, they are the backbone of this nation. They are the only thing with, I mean, our GDP is all because of bisexual women. These women are saving our lives.

44:45They're saving our lives. They really are. And we need to be thankful to them. They really are. No, I have all love to the bisexual listeners. I'm a big fan of yours, too. Big fan. Thanks for coming out. Thanks for buying tickets. Yeah, yeah. That's so funny. No, it's so funny. Like, I don't know. There's some, I don't know. I feel like there's been this movement in comedy over the last several years of, like, this more bro-y whatever. I mean, this is all things we know. But it's always so interesting to me when I think about just, if you're looking at it from the most like business-minded capitalistic lens you could of like i want to sell out and have like like sell out shows and stuff like that why would you appeal to cis straight men like they don't buy tickets for themselves they don't have a lot of friends they don't go do group activities like invest in audiences that are going to invest in you they're embarrassed of earnestness like go like i i'm like yeah i like that girls come to my show because they bring eight friends yeah that's eight more tickets that i wasn't gonna you know what i mean it's like why would you invest in a bunch of guys are going to be single ticket buyers and sit by themselves like that's crazy you're bad at business you need to be nicer to girls you're bad at business yeah seriously i'm one of my favorite things and i i sometimes wonder what this says about me that i love this so much i think it's just that i like to win people over but one of my favorite things is i can i'll go out in a i'll go out on stage if i'm headlining and i can see immediately the guys who are only there because their girlfriend made them come and they are not thrilled to be there and my favorite thing is to win them over.

46:03And I'll get them. I'm like, I can get you. You're going to try to stonewall me, but I'm going to get you. And I love that. Okay, I have thoughts and questions on this. So do you feel like, okay, because I have this thing too where I find, like, I get so nervous about the straight guys ahead of time and I feel like I want their validation and this deep-seated thing in me. Do you feel like you ever fight that about that? Or just like, hey, fuck this. I don't care if these guys like this or not. Or do you feel like you're like, oh, I want to win them over because I know they don't like it and everybody else here likes.

46:32I don't know if I'm making it. Yes, it makes total sense. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this. Thinking about, do I want to win them over because they're the straight guys whose approval I wanted when I was 12? Is that what's going on here? Is this about my dad? You know, basically, what is this? And I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I genuinely think that it's just that I want to get the hardest person in the room. I want the person who wants to laugh at me the least is who I want to win over. it happens to be those guys but I mean it would mean just as much to me it's just not as easy to spot I know it would mean just as much to me if it was like there are plenty of like hardcore like tender queer leftists that don't love me all the time they think I'm annoying they think I go too far they think I say things I shouldn't say they are they're a different kind of opposition to me than straight guys straight guys just think I'm like they don't think of me at all or they think I'm I don't know like they just can't imagine that I'm someone they would think is funny yeah I would want to win either of them over In the room Out in the world or on the internet You can't play the same game It's manufactured outrage in order to get clicks and attention There are some people that are not going to like you Just because it's the unpopular thing to do And it'll get interest In the real world, in the room, it's different Because funny is funny And I don't know I think that it's that But also, sure, maybe part of it's that I just want these guys to like me Because I have that same thing where I'm on stage And I'll be scanning the room and then there's like one dude who's like towards the front who's like kind of, I'm just doesn't care.

48:00And I'm like, okay, I want this guy. I want to get this guy. Like I keep looking at him. I want him to laugh. And I'm like, oh, this next one will be able to get you. And they're like, whatever. And it's like, there's so many people who haven't been having a great time enjoying themselves, came to see me wanting to like, I should give them my attention. But it's like, I can't stop. But this is the illness. Because that's the illness. It's like, I got it. It's like, if everybody in this room doesn't think I'm funny, I'm a fucking failure. You know, it's like, what is that? Well, this is the whole thing about what we do.

48:25It's so sick. It's so sick. The whole reason we're up there is because we need, who needs a room full of people to show up and spend the night of their life laughing at you? Like, that's insane. It's like, I came up with these little thoughts I thought you'd like. What do you guys think? Yeah. Isn't this true? Mostly about me, but. Sorry, this is mostly about me, but. So this is kind of my life story. I hope you guys were cool to spend$40 to hear that. It applies to you guys in some ways. Yeah, no, it's insane. It's a completely insane endeavor, and I've, yeah, I definitely want, but I enjoy, we actually had a whole joke on our last tour where we like did a shout.

48:56We did like a, like basically a moment of silence for the straight men that had to come with their girlfriends and it was so much fun. They loved it. I mean, they were like, there's also something. they love to be talked about. They love to be talked about. They love to be addressed. They love to be addressed in a gay space, I find. They love to be addressed in a gay space and it also gives them permission to, these guys will come in, well, they're so, I mean, look, I don't want to be too mean but they're so insecure and scared and I get it. And it's in some ways their fault because they perpetuate it.

49:20And in other ways, it's just like what we do to men in this society. Yeah. That like they have to come in with their arms crossed. Everyone needs to be visually signified that they're not gay. They're not happy to be here. And the second you give them permission, like you say like, hey, I know your girlfriend brought you and you don't want to be here. They're like. Yeah. There's only a Cosmo in their hand. They're like, I'm let loose. They're like, girl. Do that one again. You nailed that one, girl. All of a sudden they feel so comfortable being like, Like, okay, everyone knows I'm straight. I can relax.

49:47No, totally. It's so funny, though, because it's like I'll find like – like if I'm playing for a straight crowd and I'm going to ask like, are there any trans people here? Like maybe somebody will be willing to say it. But a lot of times people are either just – if there is a trans person, they're probably not going to like shout out, and that's totally fine. They don't need to do that in a room full of straight people. But then if you're in the opposite, you're around a bunch of gay people in the audience, and then like any straight people here, they're like, let's go! And you're like, okay, well.

50:09It's like the reverse of this is not happening. Like people are not as excited to announce themselves. Anyway. but no I like when there's straight people in the audience because I do find it is like a good place to it's a good place for them to be hearing about things that are otherwise being talked about so negatively so it is nice that they like you know I like when they venture in and then like yeah I try not to overthink like playing to them but yeah it's the that's the line to walk is like I don't want to play to you but also I would like to expand your horizons a little bit like I'd like to be I'd like to imagine that you come to your girlfriend drags you out to this show you didn't want to come but she didn't want to come alone you kind of have to do it I'd like to imagine that the next time she asks you to go see a gay comic Or a woman or a trans person Anyone that seems outside of your wheelhouse That you might be a little more excited and go Oh last time it was actually pretty good I'd like to imagine that that's maybe some effect of all that But whatever, you think God's real?

51:01In some form Yeah, what form? Oh man, I think probably Like some sort of Non Non-embodied thing, like a light or energy, some sort of goodness energy that is existing that is not, I don't necessarily know that it's like all knowing or all powerful. I think it's powerful in the way that human connection is powerful and that energy is powerful, but I don't think it's like this Judeo-Christian tradition of there's a moral understanding and that I think that that is something we map onto God, but I do believe there's something that is why we're here or connects us all. There's some sort of life force.

51:48And I was raised Catholic, so I always have that kind of in the back of my head. But I don't really feel that any sort of human idea of what God could be is... I don't even think we could possibly conceive what it is. I wonder if it's something that we can't even fully in this form see. You know how there's all these things in front of us that like other animals can see or some shit. In here, yeah. Other wavelengths, yeah. Yeah. Like right in front of us, yeah. Right here. The tension between us. Specifically right here. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think God, I think like God is, like you're saying, like an energy and a thing that everyone has felt.

52:24Everyone has felt God in whatever that is. But I think the only thing humans could have ever done with that feeling is what we have done, which is mapped humanity onto it. Right, right. And been like, well, first of all, it's a boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And second of all, he's violent. You know what I mean? And he snatched his... Hello, he's hot, he's violent, he's white. It's like, okay, yeah, humans... The humans in power were always going to map as much of themselves as they possibly could onto this energy. It doesn't mean the energy isn't real. Maybe he looks like the king of England or something.

52:53I don't know. I think he's white and thin. Maybe he looks a little like me. And if you're mean to him, he'll kill you. It's like, okay. And he doesn't want women to talk, and he wants me to have eight wives. Yeah, I don't know. I think he wants me to fuck a lot and for you to be obedient. That's kind of what I've experienced with him. He told me. He told me this. Yeah, I'm talking to him. Yeah. And then people go, well, why isn't he talking to us? No, don't worry about it. Hey, don't do me. He's very shy. He's really shy. He likes to talk to us. He has favorites. And yeah. But no, I think, yeah, I think it's, I think it's, I don't know.

53:24I go back and forth on whether or not I think it's like intentionally nefarious. Like the way that we got here, I think certainly it has been used that way. But I'm like, I just think it's a misunderstanding of the energy and what's going on. Yeah. I mean, I think there's a version of religion that's really positive. I think like I just don't trust a lot of humanity and the current power structures to for that to. I mean, I just don't know that there's a world where like religion in its best form and capitalism can coexist. Yeah. I don't think those things. I mean, I completely disagree. Capitalism is the devil.

53:49I think I completely disagree. I think that God is a capitalist. Well, I mean. I think the energy. Wouldn't that be funny? I'm like the energy I'm talking about actually wants you to be a landlord. The energy I'm talking about is the invisible hand. That's moving the markets. And it's trickling down. Thank you. Reaganomics, big at the so true. Oh, I'm a big Reaganomics guy. Love him. He was charming. Isn't that a shame? If you give Caleb your money, he will trickle it down to you. I will trickle it down to you. Pretty easy. I'm doing my best. Pretty easy. It's trickling down. Nicole and Michelle, trickles are coming.

54:18They're waiting. Their paws are open. They work for free right now, but they're both on internships, and so is Chance. All my staff is on internships currently, but once they prove themselves. You guys are getting class credit, right? Yes. Yes. Everyone. Speaking of, I'm a little bit pissed that Chance isn't even here to see me or anything. He didn't want to. He actually called in sick this morning. Okay. Yeah. He said somebody's trying. Yes, he threw up. God. I said. He said, Nico, what? I said, Carney. He said, let me Google him. And he said, I'm not feeling well this morning. I said, what? He said, that's giving gross to me.

54:49Yeah, he's giving gross. Oh, Chance talks. Yeah, that's giving gross. No, he's in Los Angeles on his other job. He went and got another job. I know. You can't buy loyalty. You can't buy loyalty these days. Let alone for a class credit. I mean, I give this guy a job. I've known him since we were teenagers, and he goes and gets another job. In Los Angeles, of all devious cities, he could be in. At all things comedy. You're going to go work for Bill Burr, a guy you don't even know? Sick. Disgusting, Chance. God, some guy from Boston. Jesus Christ. And leave this in. Imagine working for some guy from Boston when you could be working with your buddy.

55:19I once saw Bill Burr at this Netflix is a joke event where he was clearly paid to be there, and he was just pacing, and the bodyguard was following him, and I was like, oh my God, I wonder how much money they're giving you to just pace in the corner of this pool right now. He did not look happy to be there, but I would love to get paid to be miserable. That's one of those things that his team wasn't able to strike from the contract. I know, right? They struck six things that he didn't want to do, and they're like, they need you at the pool. You gotta walk back and forth by this pool. Gotta walk back and forth.

55:48This is a sticking point for them, Bill. It's really important to them. It's really big that all the Netflix and X-Men have a good time and see you in person. They need to see you at the pool. Badly. God, it is like that. It's so fucking funny. that it's like, well, I'm going to not have fun when I go do that. And like, it doesn't matter. Yeah, they're like, it's not about that. They just need to see that you exist as a person. Five minutes contractually. We'll start the timer as soon as you step in the door. And then at four minutes and 59 seconds, you're breaking for the door. It's like, Bill, they got him.

56:16Bill. Bill, you got to talk to the developments of animation. Oh, my God. Bill, you need to talk to these execs. Yeah. Oh, man. What a dumb industry. Because they're bored. I know. Yeah. Well, and the number of things that in this career path that we've chosen, the number of things that revolve around somebody. Hey, it chose me, but that's fine. It chose you. Well, I had to choose it just so you know. The number of things that revolve around this really simple fact that there are a bunch of people that are deeply, incurably, terminally uncool and they need to feel like that's not true. Yes. So much of this industry spins around that.

56:50I agree. I agree. That they have no talent, so they became somebody near the talent. and we have to make them feel cool or else everyone's going to die. Oh my God. Yeah. How do we get onto that? Anyway. Do you believe in God? Is that like a big part of your, do you feel that's a big part of your life? Not a big part of my life. I do. I go back and forth. I've talked about it a lot on the show. It actually probably, depending on how many years I do this show, I imagine it'll be pretty interesting to watch all the times I've talked about God and see how it evolves. But cause I feel like it changes all the time.

57:18I believe in, I think there's a power in the universe that generally pushes us all towards good. I think people are fundamentally good. Yeah. and uh i think that yeah i think that we're mostly good i think we want to be good i think we know when we're doing bad and we feel bad about it how that comes out is different for different people but i think we are predisposed to be good to each other and i think that having that belief means that something must be going on that's bigger than individual like actors yeah and yeah i think that i i struggled for a long time with putting god to it and it's so funny my friend tara was just making fun of me recently because she was like I'm doing a prayer zine and I was like I don't pray and she was like what do you do a prayer zine a prayer zine zine like a zine about prayer she's like I'm asking a bunch of people about um prayer and what they think about prayer and what they pray for and I'm gonna do a zine about it and I was like that's cool but I don't pray and she and we had this like really kind of intense back and forth where I was like yeah I mean I I I am a part of the universe I think about the universe I try to contribute to the universe I try to put good back.

58:21But I specifically wouldn't call that prayer on purpose because it has such religious rewarding behavior kind of energy. And I don't believe that. And she was just making fun of me because she was like, for all intents and purposes, you are a spiritual person but you fight it so much. It was kind of the energy. And I'm like, yeah, I guess so. But yeah, I think God is certainly not a person. Certainly not raining down blessings on people. That doesn't make any sense. That would account for That would not, there's no way to me that we can say that God rewards people for being good when there's so many good people suffering.

58:59It just makes no sense to me. And the most vile people are at the top of the pyramid. The most vile people. And the prosperity gospel. I mean, yeah, the idea that you get good things because you're a good person. I struggle when people, when something is going well for me and like even fans of mine will be like, oh my God, Caleb deserves this. I'm like, no one, there's no such thing. Yeah. There's no such thing as that. Yeah. I am very, very lucky, but there's no, to say that I deserve to make money in such a frivolous way is inherently to say that people who are working really, really, really hard and barely making ends meet didn't deserve better.

59:32Right. You can't have one without the other. Right. And that's fucked up. Yeah. And then you get into the whole, I don't know, at least I will get into this whole guilt of like, and does a comedian deserve to have anything? as compared to like, you know, doctors and nurses and all these people who like really are actually helping people and other, I mean, not, no, whatever. There's ways that we are helpful too, but I get in that space too. But do you feel that God, like God is something that like comes up in your, like, do you feel that that's like a constant, like an anxiety or something you're thinking about like all the time?

1:00:02Like it's like, do you feel like any like religious from like as a child, like a child, like any religious oppression kind of stuff? Like, does that feel like it's still part of you? Not in day to day. Like I think like when I'm moving through the world day to day when I'm like, should I do this or should I do this? Like when I come to like a moral decision, it really doesn't even get to God for me that I'm like, well, this is just – there's almost always a clearly right thing to do even if there's like personal consequences. And I generally try my best to just be like despite what it means for me, this is the right thing to do.

1:00:32And I try my best to just do that because I would want someone to do that if they were in my position. So it doesn't usually get to God. but when I get to God like when I get anxiety from growing up and being around the church it's always about death and what happens afterwards it's really not about what I'm doing here I'm pretty clear on what I'm doing here it's death and what happens afterwards that really makes me ill that makes you anxious makes me completely sick dude the way I've been talking about this so much lately but the way I can't watch this fucking dinosaur documentary there's this dinosaur show on Netflix narrated beautifully by Morgan Freeman of course they start ticking back the time clock on Earth, and it's like, Earth, 300 million years ago, I could throw up.

1:01:13Yeah. The idea that Earth is 300 million years old, the idea that, truly the fact that someday humanity, writ large, is not, guaranteed, is not going to exist. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate that. Yeah. I hate that. Okay, yeah. And also, yeah, I mean, I got really, I was, of course, stoned, but I got really, really high the other night and was thinking about, like, the way that we sit here and speculate about like what it was like on earth 300 million years ago when like you know I don't know tadpoles ran the fucking world or whatever people are going to be they were running around with their little legs and now they've got legs what the fuck did that come from what are you talking about well that's the thing that always gets me when they're like evolution and then at one point they grew legs and they walked on the ground and it's like overnight like one guy over a million years like smaller legs that became bigger legs that could walk or like one day it's what legs I don't know Born with legs, how did it develop the legs I guess it rained for a million years at one point Yeah And I fully believe in evolution so don't come for me But I just am like I want to see it I want to see it Show me I want to see it get legs A lot of it's guessing They'll be like this dinosaur was six stories tall And I'm like you don't know that You were not here Sorry we have the bones We didn't have stories back then Baby I'm not a denier I believe in evolution but I would like to see it.

1:02:37I wish I was there. I want to know when they went from sea to land. That jump is just pretty seismic. And I want to know how we got here. And I'm really, really worried about that. And I think someday we're not even going to exist at all and all of this will. It's just so, you literally can't think about it day to day because when I think there are times that I'm about to respond to an email for some stupid thing I don't give a fuck about that someone needs to hear from me. Sorry, Michelle. Someone needs to hear from me about that I if I just for a second think like humanity won't exist someday it unravels me for a week I'm like I can't what do you mean what do you mean Haribo really needs to hear back about shut the fuck up we're not going to exist I just it's really tough you know what will though is a Haribo gummy those things are indestructible that thing will be it'll be that the cockroaches it'll be them and the remnants of this podcast yeah the so true to you so true to you so true will live forever well obviously this is all you know it's not it's you know not radioactive if any of that's...

1:03:33I'm not sure what's the word I'm even looking for. Cut this out. Cut it. Keep it. Quote, fact check. Keep it. Okay, keep it. Keep it. Keep it. Listen, people should know I'm a human being too. You're a human being. I say that all the time. Yeah, that stuff trips me out. Okay. That's when I get to God. Okay. Mostly. Because I don't really like... So my girlfriend and I have talked about this a lot because she was raised with no religion in the house. Her parents were both raised Catholic but kind of like didn't care for that and didn't want to raise her that way. Of course. And then I was raised Catholic because my parents were afraid.

1:04:00And I feel like there are things about it that, like, of course are negative. There's, like, definitely, like, I deal with a lot of guilt and shame and all those things that Catholic people do. But I think I have, like, this, like, kind of, I don't know. I just believe everything's going to be fine. And if this ends and nothing else is fine, whatever. Like, I don't know. I guess I just don't, it just, like, doesn't bother me that much. But my girlfriend, like, she, because she wasn't raised with any religion, and I think she just doesn't have like a roadmap or just like this thing in the back of her head that's like something is there and it will be okay because she wasn't given that as like a child for framework for how to think about these things.

1:04:36But she is a lot more anxious about like death and afterlife and these types of things whereas I'm just kind of like whatever. Yeah. I guess it depends on the day. Yeah. You know, sometimes I'm like I don't ever want the party to end and other times I'm like this has not been a party. Yeah. We can go whenever we need to. No, totally, totally. I mean sometimes I'll have this thought of like I, God. am I stuck in this perspective for the whole time? Yeah. I got to have this outlook on life for the entirety of it. Like, I really wish I could snap and be somebody else sometimes. This has been my biggest source of depression throughout the years.

1:05:09I've really, it's, the reason that loving myself was such a cure to my depression is that I really had to fall in love with the life I got. And I'm like, this is the perspective I get. I will always be from where I'm from. I can change my mind. I can learn new things. I can have new experiences. but I will always fundamentally be the son of the people I'm the son of from the place I'm from that I that is just who I am yeah and the thing that depressed me the most in my early 20s when I was like super depressed was I was just like god I'll never get to be all these other people I'll never get to understand the world the way they do and that really fucking it still stresses me out yeah I'll like meet someone and I'm like god you have such a cool or even like I'm unable to understand the way that you view the world yeah even even sometimes when I meet someone that I'm fundamentally disagree with the way you view the world but i would be fascinated to live as you for a little bit i i'm just get so like kind of sad that i can't be like i want to be uh i want a chance to be everyone and i just get to be me and i think the thing i'm also like responding to myself to get back to what we were talking about earlier is like this like this constant uh self-narrative or whatever this is that i'm doing that i'm like thinking about and obsessing about and it's like oh you know if i was in another i would be doing the same fucking thing i'd be doing the like little human thing of like am i okay and does everybody like me and it's like it'd be the same if i was anybody it's like that part's not going anywhere so like i don't even i'd be running from the same thing over and over again yeah and the real truth that again i can't spend too much like day-to-day time with but it's just that there is really there like sorry sue me i'm a hippie or whatever but there is no me there is no you there is no like there really is just like we're like i don't know i'm just like there's just one big energy and we're all playing out that energy in different ways yes but like it's senseless to even worry about the self that way and thinking about the self too much is so destructive to being like a productive and loving part of this whole project yes when you get obsessed with the self so i don't know i go back and forth i know it's tough though i i'm so fascinated by it though and i'm just fascinated by like all of our relationships to the idea of the self and to bring it back up what i was saying earlier like with like social media and stuff like that i'm so fascinated by people the way that they like put themselves out there in, in all kinds of ways.

1:07:16And just like what that means for how they see themselves. And I don't know, I just find it such a fascinating relationship that we all have. Cause to your point, it's like, it doesn't exist. We're all just sort of making up this idea of the self myth and like what we are constructing of ourselves and like every day make being like, this is real and this is a thing, but it's like, it totally isn't. It's just like, we're all just a way to pass time. Yeah. Really? Truly. Yeah. The creation of self is just a way to pass time while we're here. It's like, it's nice to be like my family, my house, my job, my life my it's like we're just we're just truly just killing time and it's the most fun way to do it i love it i think it's the it's the best it's probably some sort of like evolutionary thing that like this is our brains decided this is the best way to spend this time yeah is to just be like me and my things and how and how i did it here and i'm like okay rock on so then i need it i need a new pair of uggs really yeah yeah i need to be a consumer it's the same uh part of us that was like I'm here so don't let the lion eat me It's like I'm here I should get some Uggs and a coffee I'm a guy who gets Uggs now That's me for the next couple years You know they're comfy I like the trim on those that's really nice You know they're really comfy I put that trim on there myself I went down to the factory I said can I put trim on these They said we only have kids working here but sure get in there Yeah and that was true He said hey get out of there I said hey go take a break take a smoke break Here's a candy cigarette get out there I gave them a real cigarette they're working for god's sakes I mean they deserve more than we I know you're seven, but you're working.

1:08:37Go smoke this real cigarette. Those little nimble fingers. Yeah, I didn't. Actually, I didn't give him a real cigarette. I gave him tobacco and papers. Give a man a fish. Yeah, exactly. Give a child some Lucy's, and now you're leaving a cigarette. Exactly, correct. That's so fucking funny. Nico, what's so true to you? So what's so true to me is we all need to be reading more books. Whoa. What kind of books are you reading? Right now I'm reading a book called Valencia that's a novel about a woman, a lesbian living in the 90s in San Francisco. It's a total lesbian romp. It's very fun. My girlfriend read it and gave it to me, and I really enjoy it.

1:09:14But I've been reading a lot more recently. I grew up reading. I read a lot as a kid. But I find that I'm really trying to take my attention span back. And I think that phones just have fucked us up so, maybe irreverably, but definitely in a direction. And so I'm trying to take back some of that like mental energy. And like, I find that reading is one of the few things I can do that makes me actually sit somewhere and be like, I can't, I literally can't do anything else, but hold this book and read these words. Um, I find it very grounding. I think it actually like lowers my cortisol levels and like gets me more calm.

1:09:51And I also think too, like, I don't know, I just read so much stuff on the internet or the way people post. And I know like there's a vernacular to the internet, but I'm like, we are losing language so badly. People are speaking in this like new age internet speak that I just don't find very exciting, interesting, attractive, boundary pushing. Really, I find it's a lot of like sort of memetic speech that's just like repeating other people's things, which is like what humans do. But anyway, I like to read and I like to read things from different time periods and just like look at the words that they would have used.

1:10:19And I don't know. It feels like it's connecting to this like sort of human language that's, I don't know. Anyway, so for all those reasons, I think more people should be reading books. I think so too. It really is obvious. I have been thinking a lot the last couple of years about how, even in the downfall of the conservative movement and how bad it's gotten that I'm like, conservatives used to be, even though hateful and I disagree with their worldview, smart. They used to have theoretical frameworks and they used to write, they would write really beautifully about their hatred at least. And now that's completely devolved.

1:10:52Our dumb people used to be, the least educated people used to at least speak beautifully and be able to articulate thoughts a little more easily, I guess. And now, I don't know, our dumb people just sound so dumb. And our smart people even sound kind of dumb, myself included. I catch myself saying things. I'm like, for all intents and purposes, I should kind of be one of our smart people. I've gone to school. I've read books. I'm like, people are listening to me talk. And I find myself saying things, and I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I don't mean ideas. I mean the way I say them.

1:11:25I'm like, it's giving fascism. I'm like, why are you talking like that? I know. It's like you're saying around enough gay people for a long time. You're like, we all got to go back to school. Now. We got to go back to school today. Break up the gay guy friend groups. Yeah. Break up specifically gay guy friend groups, but gay people in general. Break it up. It's giving go back to school. It's giving go back to school. Yeah. I know. I totally. Yeah. No. It's, it's, it's pretty wild. And it's like, to your point, it's like, yeah, like conservatives now they're like, you know, eating Tucker Carlson out of a trough.

1:11:52And it's like, you used to read a memoir about Andrew Jackson. You dumb fucks. Yeah. At least get back in there and read a 400-page book about the destruction of the universe. Yeah. Used to be like, well, whereas the founders intended for marital relations to occur between a man and a woman, now it's, like, so disgusting. It's like, no boys in the locker room for the girls. It's like, okay, we have lost our touch on this, bare minimum. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't make any sense at all. But I'm, like, reaching for more activities in general that I can put my phone away and not feel like I'm doing screen time or all that kind of stuff because I just think that that's rotting my brain even though I'm trying actively not to let it.

1:12:29It's so rotting our brains. It really is the phones. There's no way around it. There's no way. We've gotten so used to the conveniences, the lies I tell myself, where I've got to stop. I have to get back to the dumb phone. I know. Do you have a dumb phone app or is it like a full other phone? Here's the deal. I've recently learned that the reason I can't – Okay, so at one point I had, I kept my smartphone and I got a dumb phone. Separate dumb phone, different number. I was using the dumb phone. I've said a lot on here. I was treated like a leper and a pariah. I was border, I was almost stoned in the streets by my loved ones.

1:13:03Everyone was trying to kill me. Of course. They were outside my house with pitchforks and Molotov cocktails. Okay, the dumb phone was not accepted by my community. I was cast out. No more green messages. I was cast out. They hated it. They were like, can I text you this picture? I'm like, you're going to have to email it to me. Like, it was really, really tough for everyone involved. Email they have on their phones. Of course. You have it on your phone. me. I'll check it later on the computer. Like, I don't know. Um, lightsaber it to me or whatever the fuck you guys still do. I'm off. They didn't like that.

1:13:26And that's not me. Yeah. They like that. So now I'm like, okay, I want to get a dumb phone again. And I want to just switch my SIM card back and forth. Like when there's days, cause like when I'm traveling, there are things I need. Like I do need to be able to order an Uber sometimes I do like that is the reality of my life. But there are plenty of days where I can just be on the dumb phone. And if I could just put the SIM card with the same phone number in the dumb phone, everyone else can deal with the green text messages. They can call me. I'll be fine. I can, I think I can get my community to embrace me while I have dumb phone.

1:13:51But I have a fucking eSIM in my current iPhone. So I have to make time to go to the phone store and go, I want an iPhone with a SIM card and then I want you to sell me a dumb phone and I want to be able to move the SIM card back and forth and I don't want to hear anything about it. But right now I have an eSIM. It's a whole thing. I know I have an eSIM too. And then, by the way, you go into these fucking phone stores and you ask them for help. I went into a phone store recently. I was murderous. I said, can I please do this? They said, oh, we can't do that in the store. you have to do it online, then why the fuck do we have a store?

1:14:22Yeah, why is there a brick and mortar if I can't get everything damn done here? This shit, this has... In New York City, of all places. Nothing makes me angrier. Nothing makes me angrier than when I can't get something done in person in New York. It's like, why do I live here? Why do I live in New York? I have to call someone? Why the fuck are you here? What do you do? I walked by a pizza store the other day. Pizza place in my neighborhood the other day. It was venture capital. Probably. Wednesday at 8.50, they're shutting down shop already. They can't be. I looked around. I was like, am I in...

1:14:52Am I in Vermont? I'm in Toledo. Like, what the fuck? This is New York City. Nobody... Nico, can I say something? Nobody wants to work anymore. I mean... I'll say it. It might have been a queer-owned business. I'll say that. Hello. Hello. I'll say that. What, do you have sober bingo to get to? Keep the pizza shop open. Well, you got to get the polycule on the tandem bike to get over to sober bingo. Give me a break. Stop it. Give me a break. Make me another slice. Stop it. I couldn't believe it. You're doing mocktails at Pottery? open the pizza shop. It's terrible. I'm also trying to get on a dumb phone vibe, though.

1:15:23That's my goal as well. I'm going to do it together. If enough of us powerful in the community kind of came together and did dumb phone, we might be able to make a real change. I think so. I think so. Because I'm trying to get a little flip phone or something. I think we should have stopped with the BlackBerry. That's my hot take on it. Nico. Nico, I've been saying this. I think that's the perfect... I think it's the bell curve. Because that was it. It was the best version. That was it. We did it with the BlackBerry. Why do we keep going? I know. I want to go back in time and tell everyone You don't know how good you have it.

1:15:50Stop now. That's the most you're going to want. Turn back. You got email. You got internet. You got maps if we need it. You got the little rolly ball. The little rolly ball. Not a screen that made you want to look at it all day. No. You felt like a cool business person. Yeah. I remember when I got a BlackBerry. I got a BlackBerry. When I was like, I don't know, like 13, 14 or something. And I felt like I was a publicist. Go for Caleb. I was like, yeah, go for Caleb. It's Caleb here. You've got Caleb. Oh, no. Oh, you need Caleb? Just a second. Hey, it's Caleb. Hey, it's Caleb. Ten million or I don't get out of bed.

1:16:15Goodbye. That was me with my Blackberry. You didn't hang it up at all. It was awesome. I just slammed it down. You could slam it down and it wouldn't do anything because it was indestructible. It didn't matter because it was made out of titanium, I think. Yeah. God. You want to play a game? Let's do it. Okay.

1:16:34Nico, I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. Brother, if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. You ready? This is the highest paying podcast in the world. It actually is. Denver is one mile above sea level. True. True. Hot Wheels came out in 1968. False. True. Dell Computers is older than Apple Computers. False. False. Otters hold hands when they sleep. True. True. Savannah George's nickname is the hostess city of the South. Sure is true. True. Napoleon Bonaparte was born in Paris. False.

1:17:03False. Corsica. The currency of Japan is the yen. True. True. There were three theatrically released Jimmy Neutron movies. True. False. Just one. There is zero gravity on the moon. True. False. Wake Forest University's newspaper is old, gold, and black. True. True. Penguins live at the North Pole. False. False. Only the South Pole. Light travels faster than sound. True. True. The Berlin Wall was torn down in 1989. False. True. Fuck. Australia is the smallest continent. True. True. The first FIFA World Cup took place in 1908. False. False. 1930. How do you do? Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. I appreciate the tailored questions.

1:17:42Dude, you were locked in, right? I was ready. I was chance, even though he didn't show up today. He did still think of you. All right. Well, you know, he got some surface of the questions about my hometown. Yeah. Whatever. So you're taking it back. I got you. I don't care anymore. Obviously it's the host of city. Yeah. Ask me the zip code next time. Jesus. You're so excited when you thought it was Michelle. You found out it was chance. You're like, whatever. It was the fucking stupid. Nico, thanks so much for being on. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. Tell people where they can find you, please.

1:18:07Yeah, you can find me. I'm on Instagram at Nico Carney. I'm also on Substack, which is where I prefer. So check me out there. Do you know when this is coming out? I don't. I bet we know. But say whatever you need to say. Anyway, I'm on tour, so check me out on tour. Check and set at NicoCarney.com. And I have a movie coming out in June called She's the He. Check that out. Really funny trans coming of age high school movie. So check that out. Hell yeah. Yeah. We did it. Apple Pay is the simple, secure, and fast way to pay. That's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone. accepted at millions of places from big box stores to boutiques you can check out with your iphone anywhere contactless payments are accepted apple pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with face id before you pay and your actual card number is never shared with merchants add your debit or credit card to apple wallet to check out in seconds simple secure fast that's apple pay terms apply and we're back streaming on peacock may i present to you, the award-winning staff of the Toledo Truth Teller.

1:19:06Slap me. Let's jar something loose. I like that. The certified fresh series returns. Your boss, you always like this? Or is this just an act, oh no, this is mad? Oysters, everybody! There's a certain satisfaction when you work with someone. Maybe we could be a family. You sadistic pig! The Paper. New season streaming September 9th, only on Peacock. This show gives me a reason to live. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home. From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place.

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