Richard Perez is Completely Fabulous

33:59Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Grow your business. Get paid on time with professional on-brand invoices and online payments. Plus, streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Wow. Get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto-generated sitemap, and more. So you show up more often on your search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. Head to squarespace.com slash so true for a free trial.

34:31And when you're ready to launch, use offer code so true to save 10 % off your purchase. First purchase of a website or domain. Apple Pay is the simple, secure, and fast way to pay. That's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone. Accepted at millions of places, from big box stores to boutiques, you can check out with your iPhone anywhere contactless payments are accepted. Apple Pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with Face ID before you pay, and your actual card number is never shared with merchants. Add your debit or credit card to Apple Wallet to check out in seconds.

35:05Simple. Secure. Fast. That's Apple Pay. Terms apply. I didn't like what you said, Odin pauses, about the future. This is the love story of real hinge couple Odin and Edward, written and read by me, Curtis Garner. Listen to the free audiobook now.

35:27And at that time, I, like, was in between apartments. I was, like, crashing on a few couches. And so, yeah, he texted the person I was staying with. Like, he was really concerned. So then the next day, he just, like, reached out as if, like, nothing. He just sent me a meme. And just to be like, ha-ha. Was it a meme about someone falling down the stairs? Or was it just completely unrelated? It was unrelated. I love that. I think, yeah. and then I was just kind of like I should say something like I my behavior was like inappropriate and so I sent him a message and I was like and I think to be honest this thing is coming up I think I have feelings for you and I think part of my like behavior is like trying to navigate that or reconcile with it or something and I'm taking it out on you and I'm sorry but then um but he was like i understand like you know i like i've of course like he's experienced that too or you know like an unrequited type of thing but he was like i'm more concerned about your drinking yeah and i think if you don't do something about it it's gonna get worse and i was so upset yeah yeah like were you defensive like he's wrong or were you okay and we we still haven't talked since no way yeah but so how long after that conversation did you go like oh fuck the drinking is a problem it probably took me a while i think i probably because that happened at the end of 2019 and then beginning of 2020 was when i stopped yeah and then i i probably feel like by the end so maybe it took like a year and then and then like a year and a half i was just like okay yeah like i'm really glad he said that and have you ever and you've never talked to him since we I haven't talked since.

37:22Damn. And so, yeah. But if he's listening, thank you. Oh, my God. That's so beautiful. Do you think he still lives in? Do you know anything about what he's up to? I have no idea. Wow. Interesting. Yeah. I really, I wish I didn't handle it that way. Yeah. But, yeah. Yeah. I'm really happy he did. It's the most logical response when someone brings up something big and, like, cutting to the core and, like, foundational. The most logical thing is to be like, well, that person's fucking crazy. Yeah. Project much? I don't think I have a life-altering problem. I think you're fucking jealous. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

37:59You're jealous of me. You're jealous of how much fun I have. I'm je ne sais quoi. Yeah, hello. Je veux vivre. Je veux vivre. I sing. Hello. I sing my songs. I sing my songs alone. Alone while I'm out. Alone. Alone. You do that. And I run into you and treat you weird. That is so funny. Yeah. Damn. Well shout out to him Shout out to him Really shout out to him in many ways Yes And And then Yeah and then I feel like The first like Year and a half Of not drinking Then like things started opening up again With like venues and Bars like You know At the end of Or summer of 2021 Yeah And then that's when I started like I'd been making like videos And stuff like that online but never gone viral or anything like that like it's just like gradually more like New York like comedians would like start to find me a little bit like little by little and then they started reaching out and being like oh like would you want to do like a set on the show would you want to I don't know and I just felt like I was like well I gotta say yes to learn how to figure out who I am in this context and I just gotta try I was so scared.

39:18It was crazy. Of course. It's scary as hell when you start. Yeah. I feel like if you're not scared when you start, you're either an idiot or a sociopath. Yes. It should be scary. It really should be scary. Yeah. It's a scary thing to do. Especially, I think particularly there's a real like, I think about audacity a lot as a concept and like what that even means and why we hate it so much. Like we really, I think as a culture, we really, we despise people with audacity, but we like revere them we like we we value audacity as like this very cool thing to have but then we really despise a lot of people for having it and particularly with humor the idea of standing up in front of a room of people and being like i am so funny yeah that i should be up here alone with this thing and you should all be sitting there listening intently that is like a huge amount of audacity and so of course it's scary that's a crazy thing to do yes it's really psycho that any of us do it is crazy.

40:13I know. It is crazy. And you are that funny. You should be doing it. So it makes sense. But of course it's scary. Are you good at living presently?

40:26Sometimes I have my moments. Yeah? Yeah. I have my moments. And I eat. Yeah. There are times I'm good at living in the present and in those moments, honey, I eat. I'm eating. I'm bad at it, I think. I can't decide. I'm either amazing at it or maybe the worst person to ever do it. Actually, I don't know. Am I present right now? I think you're present. I think you're being very present right now. Yeah? I feel like you are too. I feel really good at being present on this show, actually. I randomly do feel like no matter what is going on, I can lock in to do this podcast. It doesn't really matter what else is going on.

41:07I am really able to sit in this chair and have a conversation. and God bless y 'all. Keep watching. Keep watching. Y 'all, if you can hear me, keep watching, share, like, subscribe, tell your friends. Never, ever, ever post a mean thing about me. Be sweet. Share the show. But... I hope that they're listening. I hope they didn't click out. They haven't clicked out. Of this episode. They haven't clicked out of this episode. Okay. They haven't clicked out of this episode. This episode is one that I'm really enjoying, Richard. I'm enjoying it too. We don't also, by the way, it's funny. There is a lot of anxiety that people have around coming on this show.

41:44People get really nervous. People I've never seen be nervous before act so insane to me and Chance and Virginia and Michelle. I don't know if it makes its way to Nicole directly. Of course, she bears, Nicole edits the show. She bears all the consequences of the insanity. But people that, cool as a cucumber, coolest people you've ever met, dear friends, texting me 3 a.m. cold sweat panic two weeks after recording. The thing I said about Obama. It has to go. It has to go. Just like crazy. Like, my ex watches. My ex watches. My ex watches. Please, Chance, can you help me, please? Is it too late, Chance?

42:20My ex. They cannot be mentioned. Chance, we must cut. Chance. It's the craziest shit I have ever seen in my life. People that I've never seen behave this way. Yeah. And, you know, we welcome it. We say no worries. I mean, it's just like, yeah, it can be quite, vulnerable. It is very vulnerable and I feel also that because we don't do a strictly, like I have always said this show regardless of how the fans feel about it the show is not intended to be anything. It's like whatever we want it to be. Sometimes there's a serious episode, sometimes there's a sweet episode, sometimes there's a funny one, sometimes I come in and I'm in a stupid, insane, psychotic energy and then we have to do a stupid episode and God love the guests on those days.

43:07But yeah the show is the show is whatever it turns into. And I think because there's no gimmick, uh, it can stress people out because I think it randomly becomes kind of revealing. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Cause like we're just stepping into like a conversation that's like, cause right now so far it's just been like, I don't know, this, this maybe would be what it's like for you and I alone. Yeah. Oh my God. By the way, I listened to Sydney Washington's episode. The latest one. Yeah. And you guys mentioned me. Yeah, we did. You said, you said very kind things with both of you. Thank you so much. I meant, I meant them.

43:37I'm very earnest and genuine. Yeah, I really appreciate that. Sydney is... Sydney's... No! Sydney Washington is a very nefarious player. She's a disingenuous character. No, I love her so much. She's the fucking best. I love Sydney Washington. She's the best. She called me the other day and she goes... She loves the call out of the blue, which I love about her. I love that. She calls out of the blue and she goes, What are we doing for July 4th? What is the plan? And I go, Sid, I don't know. I'm not hearing anything interesting. It's all like beach or rooftop. And neither is really speaking to me at the moment.

44:15Who knows what will happen? And she goes, you know, I just talked to Marie. Marie hasn't heard a plan. If Marie hasn't heard a plan, it's dry. It's dry. It's dry. You know it's dry when Marie hasn't heard a plan. I'm like, I agree with that sentiment. And I don't know what we're going to do. And she was like, all right, well, keep me in the loop. I love you. I love that. I love that. I love that. It's my girl. Because I feel like there's times, like, I see her at, like, shows in the green room, and, or, like, once in a while, like, she'll be entering, like, getting out of a phone call. Yeah. A FaceTime or something.

44:48And I'm just, like, I love that. I love, like, a, I don't know. It's better than, like, texting or something. Especially when it's, like, that kind of thing. Yeah, why not? Just make it like that. It's just be, like, a direct, clear, like. she's one of the sweetest most special souls I have ever encountered yeah she's too good for this world I don't I just she's so fucking funny and smart and nice and good at being a friend and that's the vibe I get from her it's crazy like we don't know each other so well but I'm like but I I get the vibe like to her friends like the people who are lucky to be so close to her that she's just like really loyal and really just like there yeah for them like that that's just like the i don't know i don't know how to articulate it no she shows up it's crazy she really is like a she's like a community organizer good friend she's a incredible friend yeah i it's it's insane i like strive to be as good of a friend as sydney is and keep up with people as much as she does she really keeps it going yeah she doesn't let it fall out of touch i can let it fall out of touch i do too it's hard yeah there's too many people we have a really we We have a really beautiful situation where we get to know so many great people.

46:01But it's hard to fucking keep up with everybody. Because also, I'll call somebody randomly sometimes being like, oh my gosh, I haven't talked to so-and-so in forever. And I'll call and they're like, oh, sorry, I moved to LA for a couple months. I think I'll be back in the fall. Or like, everyone's just always like, you know, you can't keep track of anybody. Yeah, 100%. Unless you use Find My Friends. I just started this year. I don't do it. You don't? No, I don't subscribe to it. You cannot have my location. Are you insane? I know, I know. That's crazy. You can't have my location. That is crazy.

46:28No and people abuse it too Girls abuse it Girls abuse by my friends Yeah I hate talking bad about girls You know how I feel about girls Richard Like they're my number one They raised me I love girls All my friends were girls In high school Oh my gosh Girls are everything to me They raised me I have nothing without girls Of course If all girls disappeared tomorrow I would kill myself on sight Me too If I woke up tomorrow And turned on the radio And there was an alert There are no more girls All girls died last night All girls died I would put a fucking gun In my mouth And pull the trigger Good evening

47:01Breaking, breaking Breaking, breaking All girls disappeared from the earth last night You would just You would pan out to the An exterior of my building And hear a loud shot Yes And then And then across town Somewhere downtown Yeah Somewhere downtown Me Big fucking sound That is me killing myself with a gun That having been said Girls abuse find my friends They abuse location Saw that Ford my friend's doctor Had a walk at the reservoir right now Didn't get an invite Hey, so that's not a use of that This was supposed to be for safety, I thought Yeah And now we're using it for trickery and petty manipulations It's not good I know, I know I share my location with, I think, six people How many girls?

47:50Three You're in danger

47:54Boys don't even use it boys don't even use it but i kind of like not in like a you know it's more like once in a while i'm curious yeah you know like i'm like what are you doing of course i'm like he's so like he's crazy so there's one friend where i'm like you're you're a wild one you're crazy what are you doing in dubai yeah you're doing yeah what are you doing oh okay okay you're in dubai okay fun okay what are you doing over there? Yeah, the surveillance state can be so much fun. It can be fun. I love playing with my ring camera. I have one. I have a ring camera. I'm fundamentally opposed to it.

48:31Yeah. When my friend's staying at my house and she goes and plays guitar on the front porch, I'll sometimes, if I get the alert that she's out there, I'll just say, hey! You know? Stuff like that. It's cute. Living in the Panopticon, we need to have our fun. You need to have fun with it. Yeah. Have fun with the surveillance state. We're being watched at all times from every single angle. Let's have a little fun with it. Yeah. It's kind of my thing. Subvert the form. Subvert the form. Yes, we're being watched. Yes, you cannot escape the all-knowing eye of the government. Yes, we should have a little fun with it.

49:03Yeah. How do you feel about the government, pro or con?

49:09I'm con. Now you go. I'm pro. Pro, pro, pro. I love what they're doing. Richard, I have a question for you. Tell me. What is so true to you? Okay. I was thinking about this. Thank God. You're the first. I need help kind of articulating it. Okay.

49:34Fuck. Okay. Let's do it. So, okay. I'm on a sex journey. Oh, my God. Fun. Yeah. I essentially felt like I re-lost my virginity in February. How so? I went through like a 10-year dry spell. You went through a 10-year dry spell? Yeah. That in February ended. And I would fool around. Of course. Like once in a while. Yeah. Fool around here and there. Fool around. We're talking like. Oral. Oral, no worries. Oral, make out. That's it. Love making out in oral. Me too. Two of the biggest events of the show, by the way. Yes. Yeah. Making out in oral are like, hello, we're most of the way there. Yeah. And like, yeah, sometimes just like.

50:12A lot of the times we're the whole way there. Yeah. Or like better than like the thing, you know. Yeah. Better than. Yeah. Oral is one of the things that God intended it for us. Yes. Oral is one of the most beautiful fruits that we've ever known. Yeah. A hundred percent. It's a special, special thing, oral. And so I've been having sex since February with different people. So February you started penetrative sex again. Yeah. What happened? Okay. I was in Toronto. Always.

50:45It's always Toronto where you get back into penetration. I've been saying this It's something about Trinity Bellwoods Park Just charged Very charged energy It goes penetrate once more Or allow yourself to be penetrated once more Beautiful you were in Toronto I was in Toronto for a job And I Also it was crazy I was in LA So I had this like moment I can't tell how much of it was like My thoughts are like I'm trying to organize them Oh you're good okay so basically um i had this like two weeks of just like bouncing around yeah um which was like new for me and so i felt like oh my gosh like just an excitement from it and sure maybe like there's something with my ego or something i was feeling myself and so i'm put up in this nice hotel and I go on Grindr.

51:44But it's like the dead of winter in Toronto. Yeah. So I'm not, and I'm only there for like three nights, two or three nights. And so I was just like, well, you know, I don't want to. If I know anything about gay guys, by the way, none of this matters. Yes. Yeah. None of this matters. If there's a will, there's a way and almost the only thing there is is a will. Yes. Yeah. And so I'm on the apps. Yeah. And chatting with this guy. And then I kind of like Like, let him know, like, hey, like, you know, I'm kind of down to just, like, fool around. I don't want to go all the way. Yeah. And he's like, whatever you feel comfortable with, like, I'm down.

52:20Nice, hot. Yeah, and I was like, that's really sweet. That's really sweet. I think I'm going to let you fuck me tonight. I think you're fucking me. Yeah. So then I got ready just in case. Yeah. I was like, let's see how tonight goes. Yeah. And then he came to the hotel. He was so handsome. I was like, huh? And then...

52:47Fucking quivering. I had to meet him in the lobby and then bring him. So we're in the elevator together. I was like, hey. And I didn't know how to close the blinds into my hotel room. So I was like, I didn't. And I was too nervous to ask anyone that worked there. So I let him know that. that was our elevator conversation yeah he just you know like just you know like i couldn't close the blinds so the lights are really low they're dark yeah so just letting you know that's kind of what it's like he's like oh that's okay and then when he entered he's like whoa it's really dark in here i was like yeah yeah i'm not trying to kill you i'm just scared of the staff and Unable to work the blinds.

53:30And I was like, I hope that's okay. Yeah. And then he was just, then we got, we got into it and then it was building and I felt like we had really great chemistry. And then he was like, I really want to fuck you. And I was like, do it. Do it. And then he was like, are you sure? Then fucking do it. I was like, prove it. Fucking do it. Prove it. Do it. Okay. So what are you waiting for all the way over there? He's across the room for some reason. and I'm just like whole like out holding my legs back do it and so then he he did and then when oh shit he when he was starting you know the starting is always hard with anything of course it's painful it's like you gotta adjust like everything worthwhile in life everything starting is so like yeah and so then like when he did I literally was like he was so hot and sweet about it too like he was just like are you okay like checking in and he's just like oh you're doing great you're so hot this is so sexy and I'm like yeah I'm feeling better and then but I also in my mind thought that I was in just my movie reference that I jumped to right away was like the montage, like prom scene, American Pie.

55:03They're all losing their virginities. Of course. After prom. And Big Runga's playing, sway my way, don't come and go. Come on. Like you do. And I'm like, huh, huh. Stay, you'll stay. Uh-huh. And he's kind of like, why are you singing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No kidding, I didn't sing. He's like, knock it off, Now the wines are seeming kind of fucked up, actually. Yeah. I could stop. And then, yeah. And then it went from there. And then I was like, oh, work. I love this. We're back. We're so fucking back. Oh, right. Did he, size, speaking of size, was it huge? No. I don't just want that. You know what I mean?

55:50Like, it's not, yeah. Sometimes I am like, you know, I don't think today I have it in me for this type of impact. Of course. Who should? But... I hate hung guys. They're a natural predator to my whole situation. It's like the girls are gone. And it's like, why didn't they take the hung guys? Why didn't they take the hung guys? All the girls died last night. Only hung guys are left. Yeah. I'm out of here. I am out. I'm fucking out of here. I'm done. It's me and only hung guys left. Only hung guys are left on earth. Oh, great. My fucking nightmare for middle school. It's only guys and everyone's hung but me.

56:35No thanks.

56:41So then, and then I had sex. I went to LA after that. Nice. And then I had sex there. That always happens. And that wasn't such, like, I felt like there wasn't really such great chemistry There And also I felt like this person was like Fucking me in this way That felt kind of like masturbatory or something I was like oh And I'm like looking at the wall Getting fucked And I was just like This is just like comedy Like one night you're like I'm born for this And then there's like And then there's nights where you're like Why did I do that What the fuck was that about What am I doing? What compelled me to do that?

57:24And then I'm sure there's so many that's just like, yeah, it was fine. Yeah. Like, yeah. Of course. I did it. It's fine. Of course. And so I was just like, whatever. Let me not like attach to any, you know, to it. And so anyway, so my so true.

57:46Completely obsessed. The sex journey in question, by the way, is just having some

57:56Literally I'm on a bit of a sex journey right now In that I'm having some That I'm having sex Yeah We're gonna make so true merch that says I'm on a bit of a sex journey right now Colon, I'm having some I'm having some Please leave that in the comments Yeah, would you mind? Guys, okay And so being on the apps Especially a hookup app I feel like there has to be some way to like navigate between like knowing who someone is in like a public fence or I don't know. You're barking up the right tree with this one. Yeah. Keep going. I just don't like someone reaching out to me on those particular apps to just be like, Hey diva, like, right.

58:40You are. Diva's going to go ahead and piss me off. Yeah. Like you're a queen and so funny, but like the thought of you naked makes my skin crawl. Like I would never have sex with you. I'm not attracted to you, but you were like, um, you're like your, um, mama. Hey, Hey mama boots. That's how I'm taking it. You're an asexual clown to me. Yeah. But I love your work diva. I'm like, Hey, just leave me alone. So I'm like, just don't do that. If you want to show support, actually don't ever message me on Grindr. Yeah, don't. Unless you want to show support in the way that you think I'm funny. And because of that, you want to fuck.

59:14Yeah. Then let's fuck. Then, yeah. But if the thing is you just want to let me know you're a fan, you can comment on Instagram. You can share a TikTok. You can buy a ticket. You can head to the merch shop and go ahead and make some purchases. Plenty of ways to be a fan. Maybe fire up Netflix and see the latest movies. If you see my photo, the image of me and what I look like, and it could be like a, yeah, he's funny and that is attractive to me. Nice. like if you are like i'm attracted just close your eyes and like check am i attracted then if you are then like say hi yes and we can and i get it you also have to feel it out like just in general like when you see someone you're like oh like you can think someone's attractive and then you just kind of have to like meet to see what the vibe is but if you already know that's like not the case just don't do that leave me out of it I've started putting this in my bios not interested in talking to you about my job yeah or like making friends I'm sorry I'm not here to make friends not in this form I'm so sorry that one does make me feel bad because it is my truth I am not here to make friends and I actually feel sorry if you're like new to the city and you don't have friends I'm not your guy but I totally wish it for you and see it for you.

1:00:35And if we met in a different way, or I don't know, like maybe, like I don't know, but it's just like I, I don't know, I'm going in here with the, with like hope in my heart. Yeah. That I'll get railed. Yeah. And that's what I'm hoping for. And I just don't, I know. That's sweet. I know. It's like I douched and I opened this app for a reason. That's another thing. Like sometimes I open the portal. That's what I call douching. Yeah. I'll open the portal too fucking soon Before I booked anything You gotta book first And then nothing works out I'm up till five trying to book Yeah Cleaned out I'm like but I'm ready So no one wants to come use this Everyone's like no Oh I can't Everyone's like Diva I love your videos How did I not think this through Yeah That sucks that seems like a lot of work That's another so true don't douche before don't douche if you don't don't douche if it's not on the books book before you douche yeah douche only after booking douche only after booking douche after booking and if they gotta wait let them wait well yeah that's a tricky game to play as well I know it's tricky yeah look I've long said bottoms are this nation's most powerful and important people I love and support all bottoms out there and I'm coming to you guys directly to camera thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you guys do you guys are a powerful entity I want to thank you for all the work you put into the community you carry this team bottoms of all genders you are the most special and kind hearted among us we look to you we stand on the shoulders of giants you guys are the giants and we look to you with hope in our eyes and love in our hearts and we say on this day and all days thank you thank you are you okay thank you you're welcome you're quite welcome thank you and hung tops you will burn in hell when you die you will burn in hell hung tops you are a nasty nasty group you want to hurt people and you're sick sick individuals I love you don't listen to him hung tops don't listen to him I love you No, someone needs to love those guys.

1:03:02That's real. And that's where you come to mama. That's real. Go to Richard if you're a hung top. And also just like not your normal too.

1:03:16Come to mama. Everyone come to mama. Come to mama. Be good to mama. Mama be good to you.

1:03:23That's so funny. Well, hey, look. I support your so truths. I think they're beautiful. Thank you. And what else was I thinking about it? There was something I was thinking of saying to you about that. Grindr based. I'm like, did I have like a. Oh, my thing was useless. I was going to tell you just that in Toronto, I have really good sex. Oh, fab. I always have. Really? There's cities, certain cities where I really kill. And I've just over the years going multiple places. Like, you know, you end up a lot of places the same. Like you go to Toronto multiple times. You go wherever. I'm like new to traveling.

1:03:55Okay. This is only because of work. Yeah. And in the last couple of years, I happened to have wound up in places for work. And Toronto's a place that I'm like, I always have good sex in Toronto. Yeah. Shout out to those guys. Shout out Toronto. Shout out Toronto. I can't wait to go back. I can't wait for you to go back. It sounds like it was a very formative thing. It was. Yeah. It changed me. Foundational part of your lore now. Yeah. Toronto will always be a part of your DNA. A thousand percent. Yeah. It's now like... We're all Canadian. Yeah. I'm Canadian. You're part Canadian. I'm part Canadian.

1:04:24That's completely beautiful. I'm sorry I cut you off though. you were saying something i um someone messaged me or i said hi to someone on on the apps i like don't want to say the name of the app um i don't know why it's completely fine but the um this person messaged back like two days later and was just like said all these like oh my god hi like i think you're so funny i like this thing you did in this thing, this video. Perfect for the Instagram comments. I think you're really handsome, but you're not my type.

1:05:03Have a great day. Pan out. Exterior shot of my building. Loud noise.

1:05:12That is so... And I was like... Wow. I was like, thank you. Just don't message. Just don't message at all. Don't message me And if you want to Just block me Yeah If you have the urge To want to say something like that On those apps to me Just block me Block me Block me please It's no worries to block me Yeah Please block me I've got guys on Hinge Really cute guys Responding to my prompts With just viral jokes of mine Oh my god Just quotes Just quote A quote Something I said That went viral And subsequently You know sort of improved and ruined my life in equal measure, just saying that to me on Hinge.

1:05:55Yeah. Thinking that I'm going to respond to that. And no matter how hot they are, I've drawn a hard boundary. Yeah. I obviously can't respond to that. That's a level of self-disrespect that I can't go to. I can't do it. And I'll go pretty far into self-disrespect. Me too. But that's a level that I can't cross.

1:06:13Yeah. You can get away with a lot with me if you're hot. Yeah. I've always said that. I know. If you're hot, you can get away with a lot. I've put up with some pretty ridiculous things for hot people. Not even just sexually, even platonically. Yeah. I just love a hot person. I love, yeah. I think it's Charlie Bardet, like my really good friend. So funny. He was like, I forget where he said, I don't know if it was on his podcast or if he said this to me in person. That's weird. Oh, fuck. Charlie, you're really funny. Don't listen to this. We love you. Don't listen. But he mentioned like, I forget the context, but he was just like, He was like, yeah, like sometimes when I see like a really like hot, beautiful woman, I'm like, let's take his picture together.

1:07:01You know what? Why not? Let's take a selfie. Let's get a photo. That's so cool. Let's commemorate this. You're really beautiful. How cool is that? Yeah. You're really beautiful. Let's take a picture. That is so fucking funny. And I'm like, that's amazing. That is amazing. And honestly, do it. Grab the photo. Yeah, do it. I don't mind that at all. But yeah, I don't know what to do with prompts. On dating apps? Hinge. What do you mean? Let's talk through it. I don't. I'm so. Mine are like one word answers. Okay. Because I'm so feeling like, I think I'm just self-conscious or something about answering in a way.

1:07:38I'm like, what's the tone? I'm like, do I answer in like a funny way? How much of it is sincere? How much is, like, I don't know. It could be a mix of both. Yeah, a little. I just texted Chance like two days ago, Chance and our buddy Doyle. I get so sad sometimes on Hinge because people will write really thoughtful. Like somebody I know I'm not going to be interested in for whatever reason. There's just something on their profile that I'm not into, you know? And they'll write a really thoughtful response to one of my prompts on Hinge. And, you know, you'll read it because you'll see that they liked you or whatever.

1:08:12And it makes me so sad. I'm like, oh, my God, you were so thoughtful in that response. And I'm not going to – we're not going to like – it's not going to work with us. You know what I mean? But I get so sad about that because I'm like, oh my God, you really thought about this answer. And like, don't stop. Don't stop. That's so beautiful. keep doing that. Yeah. the way you're thoughtful, it truly eats. It eats. We're not a match, but it eats. But it eats. And I'm being the thoughtful guy to some guy who doesn't want to respond to my thing, so don't worry about it. My friend, she told me one time, she was approached, like this guy approached her, I think she was at Central Park, and he said, I don't remember exactly how he went about it, but she was so, like, he just, like, in a really cool, respectful way was, like, trying to get her number or something.

1:09:01And maybe it started out as, like, a small talk type of thing, and then it led to him being like, oh, I'd love to, like, go on a date or something. And she was just like, oh, my gosh, like, she's like, I'm in a relationship, like, but the way, like, please don't stop. the way you did this was really, really great. Yeah. You know, like, it was very kind. It was very respectful. Damn, you almost got her. I appreciate that. But, yeah, I got someone. Fellas, never let another man make your lady smile. That's the lesson here. Yes. He almost lost his girl that day. Yeah. Because he was so respectful in the park.

1:09:37Yeah. Yeah. That's beautiful. I will say I have felt that when someone is really, like, direct and sweet and, like, cool with it. and I'm just not into it, I'm like, God, keep doing that though. You're doing so, that is so correct. Yes. Just because it's not, I'm not, whatever. I have my own shit going on, but that is so fucking cool. Yeah, and I'm trying to like turn it into myself. Yeah, hello. And be like, hey, that was, didn't work out the way you wanted it to. Yeah. But good on you. Yeah. And you're figuring it out. That's nice. That's how we should be talking to ourselves. I asked someone out.

1:10:14Did you? Recently. Or a few months ago. Yeah. Like I've never asked In person I've done it over text Or whatever on the apps But like I've never in person Been like we should go on a date And you did it I did And I was rejected That's okay But I was just like Wow I'm gonna do it again How'd it feel? I was I've never been I have not been that nervous In a while It's horrifying Yeah Isn't it fun? There's like a knot in my throat Like Maybe you wanna go on a date? Yeah Well maybe Yeah

1:10:49if it came out that way I wonder if it showed up that way I don't know if it would land with me either it doesn't matter though it's so good but I did it and I tried and like I'm going to do it again I am so into this I actually recently I asked this guy out it's just like bombing it gets easier and it gets funny eventually. I asked this guy out maybe like, I don't know, like a while ago at a bar. A guy that I like kind of knew, but we ran into each other at a bar and we were chatting for a little bit and it was really fun. And I was like, we should go on a date sometime. That's cute. And he was like, I don't really know if that's like my mood right now, but like let's trade numbers and we'll see.

1:11:42And I was like, cool. And so we traded numbers. And then, like, we were talking about something else. And then maybe, like, I don't know, maybe, like, a week or two later, I was like, hey, like, super no pressure at all. But I really would love to take you out. Offer stands. Like, you let me know. And he was like, hey, I don't think that's the vibe I'm getting. But, like, really, really, like, want to hang out and, like, be friends or whatever. And I felt kind of weird about it. I was like, cool. That's totally fine. I felt weird because I was like, oh, should I not have, like, followed up in that way?

1:12:09I felt like it was respectful. but I just kind of got like, I hope I didn't make him uncomfortable. And then I ran into him recently on the street and it was so sweet and such a nice vibe. And like, we're totally, we are totally good. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it was like, yeah. So I was like, you were anxious for nothing. It's no big deal. Yeah. Asking someone on a date is only lovely. Yes. And like, it's like, I'm sure he would appreciate it. You know? Like it's so, it's, yeah, it's sweet. It's sweet that someone would express an interest, you know? and be like, I'd love to get to know you.

1:12:43Also, I've only ever loved, when someone's asked me on a date that I've not been into, I've only ever been like, that was fucking awesome. Yeah. I love that. I wish that happened all the time. Yeah. I wish every minute of every day someone was asking me on a date. How fun. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That would be a life I could live. Please, guys,

1:13:01to hung and normal or whatever. Hung regular and otherwise. And otherwise, like, please reach out, DM me. if you've listened to this episode and you are interested in... You're looking at the video, especially if you watch the episode and you like what I'm doing, reach out. Yeah. And on the other hand, hung guys, if you reach out to me, you're going home in a body bag. Kidding, kidding. Actually, can I say one thing? One more thing about hung guys. Can I just... Everyone stop. God, you guys. This is like the fucking police state Like the panopticon I'm living in fucking like I don't know Like a really oppressive state I can't say one more thing about hung guys I have one more thing to say about hung guys Okay Hung guys I am not one of you That's not my situation And I am of course in some ways jealous I wish that I was hung like you guys in some ways And that's probably where part of my animosity comes from I'm certain of it Okay Yes I bet being hung is a fucking parade every day Sorry hold on I'm being serious hold on if you are hung we can totally still have a lot of fun together you just can't expect to put that thing

1:14:19you can't fuck me with that thing yeah yeah if you have a small to maybe even average dick there's a world where maybe you could fuck me if you're hung move on guy yeah or we could do kind of side stuff and have a lot of fun yeah but I don't want hung guys to come away from this episode feeling ashamed or intrinsically bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like we could never make out and blow each other. Yes. Because we totally could. Yes. Which is so hot and fun. Totally fun. Fabulous. It's fabulous. It's completely fabulous. It's... That's my so true. I'm sorry, Caleb. My so true is that I think making out and giving each other blowjobs is completely fabulous.

1:15:03It's completely fabulous. But we're like... We start talking like we're like, gay guys from a movie in the 90s. Yeah, we just made out and the straight protagonist would be like, we just made out and gave each other a head. That's completely fabulous. Oh, well, Cheryl, that's completely fabulous. Is this chiffon? She'll take that one. She'll take that one. It's a cut. It's a cut to him and his boys playing basketball. Not the gay guy. The hung guy. Do you want to play a game? Let's play a game. Thank God. No one's ever said no. Explicitly. Okay, I'm going to read you 15 statements. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said is true or false.

1:15:41Richard, if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. What? I know. We're on an awesome show. Dark Horse by Katy Perry was released in 2009. False. False. It was 2013. Blood is red because of oxygen. True. False. Okay. Hemoglobin. Circles have infinite lines of symmetry. Circles have infinite lines of symmetry. Infinite lines of symmetry. That means forever. True. True. Sloths can hold their breath longer than dolphins. Who? Sloths. Sloths. Can hold their breath longer. False. That's true. Delaware College of Art and Design had 107 students enrolled when it closed. Wait.

1:16:29How did you know? That's where I went. Yeah. I went to school there. You think true or false?

1:16:39101? 107 when it closed. True. That is true. Victoria Falls is the world's tallest waterfall. Victoria. True. False. Angel Falls. Glasgow is the capital of Scotland. True. False. Edinburgh.

1:17:00False. Edinburgh. Zero is not a positive or negative number. True. It's negative, right? Neutral? True. Helium is the most abundant element in the universe. False. It's true. Fuck. Yeah. But I would have also accepted love. The Pokemon Magikarp does not evolve. Oh. True. False. It evolves into Gyarados. Sorry if I'm not saying these right. I'm a grown-up with normal. The first modern Olympic Games took place in 1896. 1896. Yes, true. That's true. Nick Saban is the current head football coach of Alabama. False. False. It is. Kalen DeBoer. Exactly. Borders Books was started by Tom and Lewis Borders.

1:17:53False. It's true. Hummingbirds are the only birds that can fly backwards. True. True. True. There are 17 Panera breads in Vermont. True. False. Three. Chance, how do you do? I worked there. That was my first job ever. Chance probably knew that. He's a sick person. Did you work there? No, I just knew that about you. You just knew that about Panera? Yeah. How did he do? Seven. Very, very cool. Very, very cool. Not ten, obviously. Lower than ten, obviously. But extremely cool. What's that? Can I have$25? You're getting no money, Richard. Ten. You're getting no money. I don't like when people do stuff like this.

1:18:28I'll leave. I don't like when people do stuff like this. $7 and I'll leave. You're leaving regardless.

1:18:38Oh, Richard. Someone takes me away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nicole. Nicole. My daughter! I came up! I came up! Dude, if it was Nicole, you'd be fine, because I'm very easy to beat in a fight. I've many times thought about if we were, Nicole and I were to get into a physical altercation, the way that I could just sort of pick her up or even just sweep her little legs and place her down on the ground in a neutralizing manner. No problem. No problem. She hates that bit. Nicole, will you say into the microphone what you think of me? What I think of you? Yeah. I love you. Sometimes when I do those kind of bits, you really get kind of a nasty look on your face.

1:19:21It's really detailed about beating me up specifically and no one else. Well, Nicole, come on. You and I have the most tension at work. That's obviously really present in the space. Yeah, and the thought of you both at combat is very compelling. Close quarters. Yeah. Close quarters. I will concede totally that if we were far away with some sort of weaponry, I think Nicole could totally stand a chance. Yeah. Be it the case that I had sort of a knife and she had a gun. see you for some reason i'm getting a vibe that you secretly know how to run against the wall

1:20:08you're being like humble and very like shy you know very just like i'm chill i'm chill but you secretly know how to do that but with three jumps in a corner you could be up yeah yeah and that will throw Caleb off for like five seconds. Would you have enough time to do something crazy in five seconds? That is so fucking funny. And I've seen her do it. Completely true, by the way. Completely true, by the way. I mean, all these three do is silly little shit like that. These three don't ever do their job. I mean, it's like you come up with like a silly little gimmick and these three have done it instead of their job.

1:20:42Yeah. You can't find good help these days. I mean, nobody wants to do, nobody wants to work. Nobody wants to work. Nobody wants to work. These guys won't help me with anything. Before the episode, Michelle asked if everyone wanted coffee but me. I'm like the guy around here. Yeah. I'm like the guy with my names on the door. Yeah. I just don't understand. I try to be sweet, Richard, but people push and push and push and push. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And I think maybe there should be just consequences.

1:21:17It's okay. Okay, you can say it. Consequences. No, it's not true. I love these guys. And I love you, and I thank you for doing this. I love you, Caleb. It was a beautiful episode. Yeah, I feel, like, relaxed. It was a beautiful, gorgeous episode. And I think we went so many different places. We got it all. We laughed. I held back crying. I held back crying. You did? Oh, there were some tears brewing, yeah. I kind of did a little bit. And then I just felt like a presence with you, like a present moment with you. That's so beautiful. And it's just like, it's lovely to talk to you. We've never hung up before.

1:21:54It's a gorgeous, gorgeous thing to spend time with you. Yeah. Thanks for doing it. Apple Pay is the simple, secure, and fast way to pay. That's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone. Accepted at millions of places, from big box stores to boutiques, You can check out with your iPhone anywhere contactless payments are accepted. Apple Pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with Face ID before you pay. And your actual card number is never shared with merchants. Add your debit or credit card to Apple Wallet to check out in seconds. Simple.

1:22:25Secure. Fast. That's Apple Pay. Terms apply. I didn't like what you said, Odin pauses, about the future. This is the love story of real hinge couple Odin and Edward. Written and read by me, Curtis Garner. Listen to the free audiobook now.