Rosebud Baker has a Tall Baby

23:43Yeah. You want that in your lesbians. You know. What are you about to pivot to? Do you know Tova? Transition period. Transition. Do you know Tova Silberman? Yes. My comedy manager? Yes. Yes. She's Jewish. And I asked her once when I first moved to Brooklyn, I was seeing all the Jewish guys in their hats. Yeah. Not the yarmulkes, the big fur hats. And sometimes they're bigger than other times. Right. Right. so I'm at dinner with her and I was like what's with the hats? I want to know what's the significance? I want to learn about this. She said well I forget the exact. She's like well there could just be extremely pious or maybe they're celebrating something.

24:24I think was part of it. It could be like a celebration of an achievement in studying the text or something. Was she guessing? No she's Hasidic. She grew up in an Orthodox. She grew up in an Orthodox community so she's telling me for real. And I said oh my god So would it be, could I, could I congratulate them if I pass one on a guy on the street wearing a big hat? Yeah. Should I say like, congratulations? And she was like, they don't want to talk to you. I was like, well, obviously that breaks my fucking heart. So I can't be in community with them at all. Yeah. I say congrats and they go, yeah, they don't want to talk to me, which sucks because I want to talk to them.

25:01I know. You're very curious. You have a curious spirit. I do. And I would love to hang out with them. If they would invite me over, I would come hang out. I would love to chat with them and know about their stuff. What would you ask? What would I ask them? Yeah. Just kind of how they feel about the world and what they know about the things that are going on. And if they like, I would want to know how they feel about gay people. And then I'd want to maybe not, maybe I'd like to convince them to like gay people if they don't, you know? Right. I also want to let them know a lot of them are on Grindr.

25:28There are a lot of Hasidic guys on Grindr. Yeah. I would definitely sit in for that conversation. I would like to tell them, do you know that there's a lot of your guys on Grindr? Yeah. And that they don't feel comfortable telling you that about themselves. Right. And do you care? Would you mind? And if there's any, I have heard that if one of the curls is cut short, that they are in trouble. Have you heard this? No. And I could be wrong, and I'm going out on a limb here and being potentially culturally insensitive. Uh-huh. But I've heard that. And if that's true, I would like to meet someone who has a shortened curl and find out what they've done to be in trouble.

26:03You want to find somebody on Grindr and you want to run up with a pair of scissors. I did. No. I go, that's mine now. I didn't want to. I'm going to get in trouble. You shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. I said, a guy messaged me on Grindr once. Really? Yeah. He wasn't cute. So I wasn't into it. But yeah, I was obviously interested in the idea of it. It's like, I don't want to hook up, but I want to talk about your stuff. I would like to chat with him. Yeah. But he wasn't into that. Okay. I did try to have a conversation. He was like, are you free now? And I was like, this isn't.

26:33Yeah. You're not, this isn't my rich community. I don't like, you know, it's been a while since I've been single. How long? Five years. Only. I was expecting you to stay much longer. No, I don't stay single that long. Yeah? Your girl. I know that's right. I know that's right. Come on. Do you think you'll ever be single again? If I get a divorce, I'm going to stay single for the rest of my life. Really? Yes. Oh, wow. Yeah. Or I'll just date women. or I'll date women. Kind of rooting on your divorce now. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you getting a divorce in like 10 years and then just exclusively switching to women.

27:11Obviously, you know, that's like the chicest thing you could do. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. I have to wait a little while. Yeah. And I do tell Andy, I go, listen, this is working out for now. Yeah. But 10 years, we're going to wrap it up. I'm going to date women. You do what you got to do. Go get some young pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Have some young pussy. Go find like an open miker who thinks you're the funniest person. Of course. She's ever fucking heard in her life. Be the predatory man in the community that we know and love. Yes. Yeah. You know, we all have a destiny to fulfill. Yes. Yeah. And he was meant to be that older comic who mentors the younger girls.

27:46That's right. Yeah. Yeah. And tells them they have potential. Yeah. God. You know, I started in Chicago. Did you? Yes. Ooh. And those guys are around. A lot of, yeah. Those guys are around. Yeah. They're hitting the open mics and the improv classes and saying, God, you're just so fun. I see it for you. Yeah. And they're getting laid off that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. God.

28:14Anyway, yeah, I can't wait to get back to women. I want you to get back to women. I will. Okay, so I want to talk about your stand-up special, though. Oh, okay. You did, I'm sorry. It's just something I'm interested in. Yeah. You did the first, how did it work out? You did the first half of it pregnant. I did. Yeah. The first half of it, I was eight months pregnant. And then the second half I did a year later because I was really curious about what I was really scared to be pregnant, to have a kid, to like what that life change was. Cause I did love my life and I do hate struggle. Yeah. So, um, I was like, I don't know how well I'm going to adjust to this.

28:54Yeah. And I know there's a lot of people who had, I'm like, no human experience is like alien to anybody. If you're feeling it, everybody has felt it, you know? Yeah. And so I was like, let me just make a special that's like the before and after. Like what it is to be pregnant and then what it is after you've had a kid a year later, what that feels like. And so I took a lot of the jokes from the first half of the special and expanded upon them. Upon them. We expanded upon them. Upon them. Yeah. Um, for like the next year and put them together. This, this, uh, editor Kelly Lyon, who's like amazing.

29:32She put it together and I was like, she made me two cuts. She made me one that was like just the second hour, uh, for the, from the year after. And then she put both of them together into another cut that was both of them. And I was like, oh, I can't really fucking decide between these two. And she was like, just do the one that's most interesting to you. And so I went with the first two. with the first one. Yeah. Yeah. What made it more, what made it the one to choose, do you think? Um, because it really, to me, comments on like the,

30:08the fucking alienation that you feel after you have a kid. Hmm. You know, everybody loves a pregnant lady and then you have a baby and they're like, oh, fuck off. You know what I mean? You think so? Is that how it felt? A little bit. Yeah. Like, I don't know that anybody actually felt like that, but you're pregnant and everybody's like, I'm going to be the auntie. I'm going to be there every day. And then I had friends send me so many gifts that I was like, just say you're not coming to meet her. You know what I mean? I was like, just say you're not coming over. Just do that. Stop sending me clothes.

30:45You know what I mean? Because it is this feeling of like, I loved my friends. I built up this community, this like actual family that was like my chosen family. And then I had a kid and it was like, where did they go? You know? Yeah. I mean, a couple of them, like genuine good friends, like didn't go anywhere, but there was a lot of them that I was like, oh, I thought you'd be around. Yeah. You know, I thought I would feel this way. I actually feel this way. And there, and I wanted to, I wanted to tell jokes about that. Cause there is something really funny about being a loser. You know what I mean?

31:24I was like, I feel like a loser And there was also just like A lot of shit between my husband and I That I, like the rage that I felt Towards him that was really funny Yeah, tell me about that because that's interesting Just he's so, you know, I'm like You just don't have it

31:43You know? Doesn't have the stuff? I was like, you don't have the stuff You don't have the goods, brother You don't have it What do you mean? Why were you so mad at him? That he didn't have it I was like I don't you know I'm like I don't have it but I figured this out He does shit where like I'll leave him With her for a weekend and he's like oh I'll be like did she brush her teeth last night He's like oh Like he forgot the whole weekend Like he didn't brush her teeth The whole weekend and I'm like That's crazy That is crazy So there's stuff like that Where I'm just like you gotta be joking Like he'll try to change her diaper on the floor of the airport And I'm like, don't have her pussy out by the baggage claim.

32:25What the fuck? I'm sorry. She can't be naked by the trash can. She can't be. She has to go somewhere. She can't be. First of all, she's huge. She's like 6 '2". Yeah. It looks like you're changing an adult woman's diaper. She is big. You know? She's tall. She's going to be a WNBA player. Yeah. Or NBA? She's half my height already. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I noticed that. She stands about here on you. She's two. Yeah, she's two. Yeah. So it's crazy. But yeah, I definitely I just wanted to make a I wanted to make this special about that And also like the process of getting pregnant Was so crazy Like miscarriages, IVF Then just like getting pregnant The old fashioned way Wait, when you said that, why did I think of You know that scene in Brokeback Mountain When he's like trying to have sex with her And he's like, I want to have another kid And she's like, I'd have him if you'd Make enough money to raise him And then they end up not having sex and just laying in bed sad Yeah.

33:17That's what made me think of. That is kind of the old, yeah. That's the old-fashioned way. Just fucking - Staring at the ceiling. Truly fighting. Yeah. Fighting. Yeah. Yeah. Like, a couple of detectives after a long day. I miss it. Yeah. Yeah, I miss it, culturally. Yeah. You know, it's still out there. I know. I just would have been so good at being, like, if I was, like, the secret gay guy who had to have, like, a wife and kids, I would have been really good at that. Oh, yeah. Like, my kids would have been, like, my dad's low-key fun. You know? Like, they would have loved me. And then when I was old, they'd be like, oh, he was gay.

33:47You know? Yes. Yeah. No, I've always said this, that I think gay men would make the best husbands. Totally. A hundred percent. I would have been good at that fake stuff. Yeah. Living an authentic life as a gay guy is really exhausting. That's really all you want out of a husband is someone who doesn't bother to fuck you. Yeah. So you can go fuck whoever. Yeah. And then like helps you with the kid. Yeah. And is like supportive and like pats you on the back and listens to your work stories. When I hang out with my girls now, I'm like, we would do so good at domestic life. Yeah. If you didn't need someone to fuck you.

34:18Yeah. And I didn't need to be fucking someone. In the two years after I had a kid, I wanted a gay husband so badly. Yeah. Because I was just like, libido was like gone. Really? Yes. Is that normal? It just came back. It just came back. Is that like something that happens? It does happen. Okay. Yeah. But I got back on, I got on Wellbutrin. Really? Now it's starting to like. Made you horny? It's starting to wake me up a little. Let's go. there yeah well butrin orgasms are crazy i didn't know this again yeah wow yeah i'm not on anything but maybe i'll try it try it i'll try it i thought about trying it just to see yeah you know yeah i was i felt like numb a little bit yeah i was like i'm not depressed but i'm not like fighting to live and so i was like maybe that's hey sister sounds like a job for been there yeah you know here's the problem though i've slept with so many guys who are on antidepressants and they like being alive but they can't come right if i can't come i'm killing myself and i do mean that yeah i do no i do and i mean that sincerely yeah it's not like me being silly i mean like if i can't come i'm i'm out i'm killing myself yeah turning it off no no killing myself bye-bye yeah i'll see y 'all around yeah maybe just leave it as your voicemail message yeah like sorry can't come sorry can't come killing myself i gotta go If I can't come, I gotta go Chicken out, yeah Hey guys, I'm so sorry I can't come So I'm pulling out, thank you Thank you, thank you Chicago, you've been so much fun You've been so great Yeah, no, need to be coming Yeah Need to be coming in all seriousness It's crazy that I went like a year and a half Really, or longer than that Really?

36:01Because my kid was 18 months when I finally went on well butrin yeah and wanted to fuck again yeah but it was like it was a long time where i was like i don't need it i don't want it i don't want any attention don't look at me don't talk and it wasn't even like just from my husband i was like if i looked out outside of my marriage i'd be like yuck when i considered cheating it made me sick yes yeah it was like bleh Are you guys monog? Huh? Yeah. Monog. Yes. Wow. Yeah. Monogamous, but very, very like open with each other. Like, we'll talk about, like all of these things that I'm saying to you right now, I would say to my husband.

36:40For sure. Yeah. I think people, I think sometimes people that don't hang out with a lot of comedians are very jarred by the way we talk about our lives. Yeah. But I'm just like, yeah, everyone in my life just knows the deal. Like this, I'm just going to tell the truth about the situation. Right. I do. The only time I get weird about it, I wonder if you, like, when I talk about my little cousins, sometimes I get, I get, I get weird about that because the kids and they can't consent to being talked about like that. Yeah. And I would never share anything. I think, but they say such funny shit that I'm like, it is so funny.

37:09So those are the only things I really turn over about like, Oh, should I say this? Right. But other than that, I never worry. I'll say like really raunchy sexual shit at a show. I know my mom's at, I know that's fine. We're adults. Yeah. I have this one joke right now about my daughter and I'm like, it's, I can't wait to retire it. It's like one of those things that I'm like, it'll never go anywhere. I'll tell, I'll tell the story on stage, but I'm like, I just don't like it. Cause I'm like, there is something in me that's like, I, she doesn't, you know, I don't want to do that to her. Like it's not, uh, it doesn't feel right.

37:42It's so interesting to think that like someday she's going to grow up and like watch your standup. Oh God. Yeah. And be like, Oh, that's what that's, that's what mom was doing. Yeah. Crazy. Well, she'll say stuff like, like last night she was in the bath and I heard her, you know, she was like, where's mama? And Andy was like, oh, mama's in the other room. She goes, mama's on stage. And I was like, oh, whoops.

38:11That's so cool, though. Maybe it sounds cool, but it felt sad. It felt sad because you're like, when she thinks of you, she thinks of you as being away. Yeah. And over there on stage. That's what made me, yeah. I was like, aw. I feel so guilty. Really? I do feel incredibly, that was part of the reason why I had to go on the antidepressants and stuff. I felt so fucking guilty with SNL and all those hours and being away from her. Yeah. And never knowing if she was going to know that I was her mom. You know, I was like, I really started to, I wasn't prepared for that kind of guilt. Yeah. You know?

38:51That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. I mean, I had a mom who was working all the time and was gone a lot. And I definitely as a kid was like, why the fuck are you gone all the time? You're supposed to be my parent. Like, I definitely felt it as a kid. Well, that's good. That makes me feel better. No, but I'm saying, I'm like, where is this bitch? I'm abandoned. You know, and I haven't forgiven her. you know and I never will but it's fine she chose her path Rosebud you have to let me finish no as an adult I'm like hello do you don't want like I'm so glad I had a mom who was like doing shit and who like did make time to like have a life and like was providing for us oh for sure okay and kids don't fucking know anything they're stupid yeah they are dumb no they are so dumb their emotions are like fickle and dumb they get upset about nothing no she asked me to talk like Elmo and she thinks I'm Elmo yeah it's like you're not wise Yeah.

39:44Sorry, you think I'm Elmo. You believe anything. Yeah, you would fall for anything. You're a rube. Yeah. Yeah. Kids are rubes. They're rubes. You're a rube. You're a rube. You're an easy mark. Get out of here. What do you hope for? What do you want from her? Like, what do you want to happen for her? If you had your dream, what would you want her life to be? Whatever she wants it to be. I know. People say that, and I hate that. But that's true. You don't have a dream? For her? Yeah, you're not like, oh, I hope she's... I have to dream for myself. I know, but don't you dream for her sometimes when you're bored?

40:15Okay, all right. If I, I would say I really do want, I want for us to be close. Yeah. And hopefully she's gay. You think so? Yeah. You want a gay kid? I do. Okay. I don't know that that's going to eliminate the threat of men, but it does eliminate, like, the relationships with them. Yeah. Where I'm like. Well, the threat of men is omnipresent. Yeah. Yes. But it's, I think about the relationships that I was in and I go, if anybody fucking did to my daughter what they did to me, I would end their fucking life. You friends with a lot of lesbians? Not really, actually. I'm gathering that because when you said that, I don't think you know how bad it gets with lesbians.

41:09Really? It's a type of toxic that they couldn't make in a lab. Lesbian, I mean, you think men and women get into it? Yeah. Dude, these girls are going through it, dude. Lesbians are... You're, like, blowing my mind right now. I'm shaking right now. I'm, like, shaking, trembling, thinking about some of the things my lesbian friends have been through. Because what it is, is they're all, they're, like, super... I'm thinking, like, DV, though. Domestic violence. Yeah. Look. It's obviously worse with straight people, but I'm saying there's something that can be, okay, when you get two toxic women together and they understand therapy language on a level that's like...

41:50Oh, God, yeah, no, I've been there. I've been there, yeah, yeah. The emotional torment that these women are able to put each other through. Right. Lesbians is a different kind of torture. I could see that. It's beautiful as well. I do think they have the best situation overall, lesbians. They have the highest likelihood that it's going to go well, lesbians, but man, I have been through some lesbian breakups that would, like there are prisoners of war that haven't seen things I've seen. Why do they all stay friends with each other after? They can't help it. They can't help it. That's just how they are.

42:18I'm going to cry. I guess I should ask my sister. My sister is - Lesbo? Yeah. Nice. Yeah, she just got married. Is she the boy or the girl? The girl. Yeah. The girl. Nice. For sure. That's really nice. Sometimes there's two boys and two girls, even when they're both girls. Yeah. There's a lot of times a boy and a girl. Yeah. She's the girl. Yeah. For sure. That's nice. Yeah. You know, I think the girl is whoever planned the wedding. Yeah. Well, you can tell by how they dress. Yeah. Well, also, yeah. Yeah. You just look at them. Mm-hmm. It always makes me laugh when homophobes are like, they try to be like, which one's the boy and which one's the girl?

42:56I'm like, take a look. Yeah. Yeah. Whichever one's dressed like. It's pretty easy. Just eyeball it. You dress like an electrician. That's the boy. Mm-hmm. Yep. Short hair. Yep. The girls were in the Britney Spears t-shirt. Yeah. Yep. That's right. Pretty easy with guys as well. Yeah. Yeah. It's easy to tell. Yeah. I should ask her though. I mean, she didn't really date that many. She like dated a woman and married her. I think she did one woman before. And then it was like a three week thing. And then she met Chloe and now they're married. Yeah. But before that, it was all men. Chloe's the boy, huh?

43:27Chloe's the boy. Tough name for the boy. I know. Do you know what my favorite trends is? What should we? What? online when they go ask like it's a thing I've seen I get served a lot of lesbian content because of my lifestyle and they'll go Can I vape while you say this? Are you upset by it? No I'm just worried about you Who knows this? Okay have you I want you to vape. I feel like you're mad at me. I'm not I'm just concerned I'm kidding I'm really not. I really don't judge the vape You look ridiculous you know You look ridiculous but you should see some of the things I eat. There is a fan that's like literally blowing.

44:08I don't mind that. Okay. Everyone has to have their thing. And my thing, the reason I don't do Coke, I don't drink, I don't, the only things I do are - You never do any of those? No. I smoke weed. Okay. And I eat garbage. Okay. These are my things. Thank God. And that's why I'm like, other people do meth and go to stay out at raves all night long and drink and drink and drink and drink. Right. That's their thing. Yeah. My thing is that I eat garbage and smoke weed. There are some meth heads that eat garbage. Totally. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. There's an interesting thing in the gay guy community where the fat phobes in the gay guy community will be like, I want someone who takes care of themselves.

44:43And then they're on meth at like, you know, circuit parties. Right. And I'm like, right. So you mean something else, but I get the idea. I get what you're saying. Yeah. Someone who looks like they take care of themselves. I got the message. Yeah. I understood what you needed. Yeah. They just meant, yeah. Thin. Thin. Which is fabulous. Thin is so fun. I love thin sometimes. I've dated thin people. Yeah. Some of my closest friends are thin. I don't like a really thin look on a guy. Really? Yeah. It always, to me, I'm like, are you sick? Yeah. You know? Oh, my God. Do you know who the hottest TV dad of all time was to me?

45:14Who? Dan Conner from Roseanne. Yes. God. Well, actually, mine is more toxic, but it's Tony Soprano. Yeah. Tony Soprano was. Yeah, I learned a lot about you just now. Yeah, you did. Yeah, that's beautiful, though. I've rewatched that show so many times, and every single time I have sex dreams about him. You know, he is sexy, but he's not nice to Carmella. Yeah, but he'll fuck you on the subway in your dreams. Yeah, but he's bad to Carmella. But Carmella is bad to Carmella, too. Sorry, I'll say it. What do you mean? Carmella knows what she's getting into. That's the beauty of Carmella, is that she's not like a one-dimensional character.

45:58You know that she knows what the fuck's going on. She loves it too. And she's like, she gets into like the, you know, the church to like atone for it, but she's never going to leave. Yeah. And it's, she likes the money. She loves the money and the status. She likes being the first lady. Yes. She does. And she always, she postures as if she's like outside of it. But Carmelo, you're part of it. You are a part of it. Yeah. And don't get me started on Meadow. I mean, what a pill. Yeah. Meadow is. Absolutely. What a pill Meadow is. Just stop it. Stop it, Meadow. Who's your favorite character on that show?

46:36I would say Christopher. Really? Yeah. I must be loyal to my capo. Yeah. I like Christopher just because he's such a fuck up. Yeah. He's such an interesting character. Yeah. I wouldn't say he's my favorite, like, oh, let's hang out. Yeah. But he's my favorite character in terms of the way he's written. Mine's Janice. Janice? Yes, Janice! Icon, dude. Oh, my God, yes. Icon. Janice is great. I didn't even think about Janice. Janice is amazing. She is. She's fucking awesome. Yeah. She's like the hippie sister that went away and came back. Ends up, which this happens to a lot of hippie girls. They go back and just end up doing the marrying the guy from home thing.

47:13Yes. Then she killed him. Mm-hmm. Which is awesome. That's the greatest scene. I will watch that scene when I'm PMSing. Yeah. Just to blow off steam. Some feminine rage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, it's so fucking good. What were we talking about? I don't know. Yeah, we really got away from it. I have a question for you, though. Yeah. What's so true to you? Um Shit Rosebud Baker What's so true to you? What's so true to me? You didn't think about it did you? No I didn't It's the whole name of the show I know I know This is a shame What's so true Well let's keep talking And it'll come to me Well we could play a segment You wanna play the game?

47:49Yeah Chance my papers Bitterman Bitterman Chance has to bring me my papers Thank you Chance Thank you, Chance. Rosebud. Yeah. I'm going to read you 15 statements. Wait, I thought about it. Well, we'll come back to it. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said is true or false. Okay. If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Okay. Huge. You ready? You ready? Yeah. Sea otters hold hands when they sleep. Yes, true. Humans have been on Earth longer than dinosaurs were. uh true false and is the most spoken english word false false it's the langley high school's mascot is harry the whistleblower false false it's like a viking auto the saxon hawaii is the only u.s state to never record a temp of zero uh false it's true fuck only only female mosquitoes bite False.

48:57True. Shit. Fuck. And I'm not surprised to hear it either.

49:04Austin Butler's from Waco, Texas. False. False. He's from Anaheim, California. Yeah. Visa is older than MasterCard. True. True. Emerson College has a campus in Netherlands. False. True. What? I went there. Sorry. May 11th is the most common birthday in the US. False. False. It's September 9th. A group of zebras is called a dazzle. I hope so. I hope that's true. I'm going to say true because I want it to be. True. Yes. Water has an expiration date. False. False. Jessica Alba has a Tony Award. No. False. False. St. Louis is the capital of Missouri. I just rejected it. No. No, she can't. No. St. Louis is the capital of Missouri.

49:53Is that... True? False. It's Jefferson City. Fake town. A mountain lion, puma, cougar, and panther are all the same animal. I'm going to say true. That is true. Yeah. How'd she do? Ten! Shut up! You won! Really? Yeah. $50. I got pretty close. That's probably going to be cool. Slow that down in the edit. Make me all cool on that. Yeah. Rosebud, what's so true to you? I think that what is so true is people who give you advice... are actually just telling you what they want for themselves. What do you mean? When somebody offers you advice, what they're saying is what they should have done. What they should have done in the situation?

50:38Yes. Oh, I thought you meant they're telling you what would be most convenient for them for you to do. Like if you're like, oh, should I go to the grocery store today and I really need you to get out of the house? I'd be like, oh, you have to. No, no, no. You're saying, okay, got you. I'm saying if somebody's offering you advice, they're saying, they're like, be like me. Yeah. and you shouldn't listen to people who do that. Yeah, I'm like this. I'm like that. What? I do that. I give people advice to be like me. Yeah, me too. Yeah, I do that. But I think everybody does. You think it's a common thing.

51:12That's why I think it's so true. Yeah, so you don't think that we should take that advice, though? Listen, if it works for you, it works for you. Yeah. But I don't think that you should take advice from anyone that is like... I don't like, uh, you know, anybody who calls himself like a guru or anybody who calls himself like a thought leader or a life coach, or a, I think those people especially are like mentally unhinged and need to be, need some help. They need more help than you do. Yeah. The worst off. If I ever come to power, there'll be very specific groups of people that are in trouble. Um, and it won't be the boring, like it won't be like immigrants and stuff that sucks.

51:52It'll be like life coaches. Yes. Like you're going to jail. You absolutely belong in jail. You're a charlatan. You're going to jail. And especially the ones that like, um, that have like a specific set of rules. You know what I mean? Yeah. A set of like, uh, I'm thinking of like short men that, uh, assault people and period. Yeah. Short men period. Period. Yeah. No, I do like short men sometimes. Well, when they're jolly, when they're sweet, you know, if you're sweet. Yeah. But when a short man's angry, it's too much for the little container. Well, I think tall men really, yeah, that's true. You know?

52:28That's true. You need to be tall so the hate can spread out. Yeah. When you're short. A short man who's angry is actually really terrifying. Horrifying. You're so right. But I do think that tall men, they get a lot of love. Yeah. And I loved a tall man. You know, I still love it. I'm married to a tall man. Yeah. But, you know, once you're pregnant with their kid, you're like, I should have thought this through. How tall is your man? 6 '2 It's a good height Yeah It's a good height for a man It's a good height for a man Yeah Not a great height for a fucking baby Baby Your baby's You're really worried about your baby's height I really am She's tall I just think it's so crazy That you can give birth to someone who's taller than you Yeah Yeah It's probably gonna happen It's so fucking crazy Yeah Like you never hear about that You know Like you wouldn't see a fucking hippo give birth to a giraffe Right You know We do that as humans though Yeah My grandma's right here Crazy.

53:22I tower over her. Crazy. I could kick her down so easy. Yeah. I never do because I love her, but she would be easy to kick down. And you do think about it. Push her. Right. No, I just think she's right there where my foot is. You know? So you thought about it. I don't want to kick her down. But you've thought about it. It would take nothing to do it. It would feel good. It would take nothing to kick her down. It might feel good. To kick Lillian down. Would it make you giggle for a second? Well, she would fall funny probably. I don't want to hurt her. No. But of course she would fall funny. She's a little old lady.

53:55Yeah. And the sound she would make would be hilarious. I wouldn't even really have to. She'd probably say something like, blurk, blurk. You know what I mean? No. Or yeah, something like that. Something crazy. Yeah. I mean, yeah. It's funny to think about. But I don't want her to fall. No. Because I love her too dearly. It would be sad. I did want to bring one thing up to you. Yeah. You got kicked off your high school cheerleading team. I did. How and why? Where's the research team? Right there. Bravo. You're looking at him. I got kicked off my high school cheerleading team. I made a joke about somebody's appearance.

54:26Rose, bud. Yeah. I did. That's horrible. What did you say?

54:33I literally can't. It was a fat joke, wasn't it? I can't repeat it on a podcast. It was a fat joke, wasn't it? No, it wasn't. You sick? No, it was her face. Oh. It was about her face. How old were you? 16? 17? I don't know how old you are in high school anymore. It's like 15 to 18. Yeah, so around that. Somewhere in there? Same age. Why'd you do it? Did she at least deserve it? I think she had said some shit about me, like, behind my back, or I'd heard about it. I don't remember exactly. All I remember was I was right. Yeah. Which is what you need to remember in arguments. But, you know, was I, should I have made the joke that I made?

55:10Not, probably not. No. Probably not. Yeah. But did it feel good to say it? Also, her face shouldn't look like that, probably, if she's going to be mean. That's the thing. If you're going to be mean, you have to be prepared for people to come for you. That's what I'm saying. I was like, you should be pretty. Yeah. If you're going to be mean in high school, you should be pretty. That's one of the main rules of high school. Yeah. Hello. Yeah. There was a, I remember there was a girl that I went to high school with who she accidentally sent a text about me to me. Shut the fuck up. In high school. And it was really mean.

55:41It was about how fat I am and how I need to like get on a treadmill. And I, I hadn't done anything to her. like I had just been she was annoyed by me which is not doing something to someone being annoying is not doing something to someone and I I really hated that girl for a long time yeah because I was like who were you going to send this to right did she tell you she didn't tell me who she was going to send it to did she cop to the fact that she was like oh she felt horrible she felt really bad what did she say how did she try to save it she was like she was like I'm so sorry that wasn't supposed to go to you obviously bitch I feel so bad and like obviously you don't deserve that and I was like I was like, yeah, we're not friends.

56:18You shouldn't talk to me for a while. And she was like, I'm so sorry. Can we talk about it? And I was like, no, there's really nothing to talk about. That was really mean. And I don't want to talk to you for a while. And I think I did eventually end up saying something mean about her family. I was like, if I came from a family like yours, I probably wouldn't be saying things this mean about people for no reason. Oh, absolutely. She came from a broken family. Good for you. Good for you. But I can say that because I also come from a broken family. But that's why I didn't talk bad about people is because my family is broken.

56:46Yeah, that's why. Yeah. No, I really think that like if you, I love that you said that to her. If you come from a broken family, you need to keep things pretty tight. Yeah. Yeah. The home structure's a mess. You should know how to keep secrets. Don't worry about me being fat. Where's your dad? Right? You know? Maybe if you were better at keeping your mouth shut, he wouldn't have left. Well.

57:10Meanwhile, my dad's not there either. You know what I mean? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. yeah god love her that's the thing is like i have a problem if i uh if i if somebody really pisses me off okay and it takes a while it takes a lot yeah it does but once somebody gets me there i will say something that i cannot take back because it is true yeah i will say you'll go to the truthful place i will go to a truthful place yeah and it's something that i've been observing for a long time and you can tell that I have chosen not to say anything about it and now I've crossed that threshold well I think a lot of comedians have this superpower which is that I'm not necessarily thinking negative about the thing that you hate about yourself but it's easy to tell it's so easy to tell what someone doesn't like about themselves and I can certainly log it and I'm not holding on to it I don't want to hurt someone ever but I will say I have a power that I don't use almost ever that I could really take someone down if I needed to Oh, a hundred percent.

58:08And I don't want to. But sometimes when people are evil, you get the impulse. Yeah, Caleb, it does kind of feel good when it happens. Well, of course, because if they've been evil, it's like, I'm Batman. Yeah. I'm like, I'm Robin Hood. Yeah, I'm a vigilante in my own life. Yeah, I'm doing good. I'm stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. Right. You know? Yeah. Even though the poor is me and the rich is also me. And the rich is me as well. Yeah. Yeah. I'm stealing from me and giving to me. Yeah. And so I win. I would love to see you lose your shit at some point. I mean, I don't want that for you, but I would love to see it.

58:39Like, I would watch it and be proud. Chance has known me since we were 17 years old. I mean, when do you think I most lost my shit? Oh, man. There's been a couple times. I think maybe when you've most lost your shit. Hmm. It doesn't happen very often, but I'm open to hearing about it. But there's been like little there. You kept it pretty calm, but you got close in Seattle when that guy was being weird because we like bumped into his door in the parking lot of the Starbucks. Oh, my God. He almost got a very interesting side of me. Yeah. So what happened was we were on tour and it was who was in the car that me, Lily, you in Virginia.

59:22Yeah. So Lily Sullivan was with us. Do you know Lily? She's this comedy bang bang. She's so fucking funny. I don't think I know her. You got to check out her stuff. She's so, so funny. She's been on the show. She's very funny. She went on tour with us for a little bit in the Pacific Northwest. It's me, Chance, our friend Virginia, who does social media for the show, and then Lily, who was like our guest for that leg. And we were leaving a Starbucks. And when we were getting in the car, one of the girls tapped, there was a car next to us, like tapped his car with our door. Yeah. Barely. Right. And this guy gets out and starts like yelling at her.

59:55And I was like, you get in the car. And then I got out and I was like, what's your problem? Yeah. And he was like, she hit my car. and I was like, she barely fucking touched it. You need to relax and lower your voice. Yeah. It's just like, I don't know, he was probably like 25 or something, something like Jim bro. Ew. And he was like, look. And I was like, I'm looking at it. There's nothing. And he was pointing to like a dirt spec that had transferred from the door. Right. And I went, I think you'll fucking live. Yeah. And he goes, no, no, give me your information. I was like, I'm not giving you anything.

1:00:21We're fucking leaving and you're not doing anything about it. Goodbye. Yes. And I got in the car and then he like followed us for a second. Yeah. Trying to take pictures of our license plate. Oh, he goes, he told me, I'm going to take a picture of your license plate. And I go, great. Have fun sending a picture of my rental car license plate to the cops. What does that mean to me? I was like, you're a loser. Get in your fucking car. I was inches away from having a physical fight with him. Yeah. Because he was yelling. Was it Lily or Virginia? It was at Lily. It really pissed me off. Yeah. You're like yelling at like a woman who barely touched your car.

1:00:53Yeah. I was like, psycho, get in your fucking car. You're a fucking loser. And his tone immediately, he didn't like get super cool, but his tone shifted big time when I got out of the car. Yeah. And I'm like, so you know what you were doing then? Yeah. You were being menacing because you thought you could get away with it. Right. So you're evil and someone should kick your ass. Yeah. I'm not going to because I have to go to a show. I have a show to get to. I have to do a show, a sold out show. But if I didn't, perhaps we would fight. Fight. We might fight with our hands. Yeah, that was close. That was probably the most recent time actually.

1:01:23Oh my God. I would love that. That's hot. That was crazy. That's hot to me. I'm toxic. You are. Tony Soprano told a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Tony Soprano gave a lot away. I know. I know. I can't help it though. There's something about it that like a man losing his temper, like in defense of a woman, does something. Oh, love it. Nice. Well, good to know. Yeah. Rosebud, it's been a delight to have you. It's been a delight to be here. We love you here more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. Thanks for having me. Do you want to tell people where they can find you, where they can watch the special, et cetera?

1:01:56Yeah. You can watch my special on Netflix. It's called The Motherload. L-O-D-E, not the gross way. Yeah, yuck. And I'm on tour. You can check my website, rosebudbaker.com. Go see Rosebud on tour. We love you, dude. Thanks for doing it. Thanks for having me. Yeah, anytime. That was a hate gum podcast.