Sandy Honig Has Self Respect

17:34Yeah. She said, do not take the scooter, and then she started showing us these scars on her arm. Yeah. That she fell and, like, dislocated her elbow, and she was like, the bone went through, the bone went through. And I was like, hey, please leave. Totally.

17:49Caleb Hearon:Totally. And guess what? Bad things happen in pursuit of beauty all the time. Yeah. I'm not going to live my life like that. People tell me this all the time. Caleb, don't ride the e-bike so fast. Don't ride the e-bike so fast. Are you wearing a helmet? Sandy, the point is, like, the point is you pursue beauty with reckless abandon when you have a lust for life the way that I do. Right.

18:14They know when to clap. But we need your brain. But we need the brain. We need your precious brain.

18:19Caleb Hearon:I know. I love my brain. My brain is my most favorite thing about me. I'm completely obsessed with my brain. I feel so grateful for it every day. Yeah. And at the same time, carrying a helmet is annoying as fuck. I mean, that is true. Everyone should be wearing helmets, though. I really want to say I'm a pro-helmet guy. Everyone who gets on a bike should be wearing a helmet. I'm so pro-helmet in, like, the most virgin way. Like, when I lived here, I was biking everywhere. And ruining my whole outfit, ruining my hair, carrying around a helmet all the time. Because I said, I just... Just when it comes to helmets, do as I say, not as I do.

18:47Yeah.

18:48Caleb Hearon:That's my thing. And it's not that I don't trust myself. It's that I don't trust all these freaking cars. Well, this is what everyone says. You can trust yourself. You can't trust everyone else. I am a fucking operator. I don't know. It's just different with me. Yeah. I thought you were going to say I'm an optimist and I trust others, but no. No. I trust others maybe less than most. Yeah. I'm very distrustful. But you trust yourself enough to know you can get out of it. I trust myself in a way that is beyond explanation. I love that. I know that I can veer. Yeah. I know that I can veer. I know that I can move.

19:16I trust myself pretty well in a car.

19:18Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Yeah. The bicycle, it gets murky. Well, because I'm unprotected. Yeah. I don't know. That can't be the worst part of directing the special, though. There had to have been something. There had to have been something. You know what I thought you might say? What? When we got the very first cut of the special. Oh, yeah. And you were very upset. And I texted you, and I was like, I hate this. I'm a hack. I'm a hack. I'm a hack. It's all over. Can't believe we did this. I remember I texted Sandy, and I was like, wow, I just watched the first cut. I kind of want to fucking kill myself. And I think you text me back and you're like, oh, that makes me sad.

19:48Caleb Hearon:I'm really proud of it. That was tough, I guess, because it was a little bit like, there's nothing I could really do about that. Yeah. Well, it's also like, it was the first cut, Caleb. Like, we have a whole process to do. We have smoothing. We have like, we will do the stuff that needs to be done. Yes. And because I didn't want to cut anything before you saw it. Right. Because it was like, that's not my decision to make. So I was like, I'm going to leave everything in, every riff, every, you know. Which is correct. Which is correct. Which is correct. You're a great director. Which is correct.

20:20Caleb Hearon:You directed it phenomenally. Thank you. I wasn't thinking in the moment about anything other than how I felt about my performance. What did make me feel better is you said, this is the best, the most I've ever liked how I look on anything. Yes. So that was nice. It was. And I said, well, that's all I can really control. No, you did a beautiful, amazing job. And I think that I later on apologized and made amends and clarified for coming to you so raw. That's the thing I've actually learned about collaboration is ultimately that was a compliment to you that I feel so comfortable with you that I would come to you that raw.

20:53Caleb Hearon:But something I've learned is that you shouldn't do that. I think you should process a little bit before you go to collaborators. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but I also do think that was how you felt and I wanted to know. I mean, I feel like Hannah had a similar thing with her special. where she watched it and she was like, why am I talking so slow? And I was like, Diva, you talk really slow. Like, what's to the point where like, sometimes we'll be at a restaurant and like the waiter will start laughing because she'll be like, I'm thinking that what I'm, like, it's like, it's crazy. It's long.

21:28It's long.

21:28Caleb Hearon:Can I also say, the funny thing is every standup I talked to before who's had a special, every one of them said, the first cut will make you suicidal. maybe even do yourself a favor and don't watch it. Like everyone tried to protect me and I legitimately told myself I am different. Yeah. And then came the suicidal thoughts. Yeah. It's like everyone I have talked to hates the first cut. This is why I could never do a special of my own comedy. I just don't think I could. I don't think I could watch myself for that long. I don't think I could see myself from every angle. I did like an interview recently and I found out my filler words.

22:06Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Just. Filler words are big. Just is my big filler word. Yeah. I'm saying it all the time. I said, you know, like a billion times in the special. That was a big thing for me. I mean. I need a shot caller for saying like, I think. I'm trying to really, really stop. Yeah. But it's hard. It's hard because it works. It's good when there's a pause. I also don't. I've always been of the mind with stand-up that like I do stand-up for me and the people in the room. there were years at the beginning of my career where whenever I was offered like I think I turned down the comedy central taping like five times like I was very opposed to filming stand-up I was like this isn't for because you watch it and you notice things you would never notice in the room in the room you're having a fucking great time because you're just with strangers listening to stories and I have always felt that I don't do stand-up for other comics I don't do stand-up for commenters on the internet I do stand-up for me and the people in the room and that is from improv like I took that from improv yeah that was a big turning point for me in stand up because I think that for a while I was very you know like very anxious so I would stick really to what I wrote and then becomes the things where it's like where they say you know oh you're going to audition for this comedy festival or we need a tape and so then you get in your head of I'm going to set up a camera so I can't do riffing because I'm just filming the set or I need to practice my type 5 so I can't riff and I just said I'm not having fun yeah I'm not having fun and they're not having fun and I need to just remember the most important thing is if the audience is having fun yeah then it's great yeah that's all that matters it's just for me and the people in the room and that is the hard that was the very hard thing for me about the special is watching it and going the big thing I had to reckon with was regardless of how anyone who watches this feels about it I by the way in the end did love it and I'm very proud of it it's probably my most special work but to me but that I I had to basically like make peace with the fact that this will never feel the way that it felt in the room.

24:03Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And it never could. There's a distance now. And it'll never feel. The tour felt amazing. The taping felt amazing. The taped put out product will never feel the way that I felt in the room because I was there connecting with the people. Yeah. And then it just becomes a different thing. Yeah. Because I think that's also part of the process of figuring out how to film a special. is we had so many conversations about what do we want it to feel like and what is the vibe that we want the people at audience, the audience at home to feel because they're not going to be able to be in there.

24:35And I feel like I remember the words you were saying was like cozy, intimate. I want it to feel like we're at a house party. And I think that's what it felt like. But you always have to remember with the taping that it's actually for people to watch on a little screen.

24:48Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Or a big screen. I think we did achieve the vibe. I think so too. Katie Birmingham. this is such like wow she did this too yeah katie did the hbo special she did the podcast set i love her so much she's a prolific genius i know and i adore her and she's a fantastic human being she's such a good person she really is i mean the fact that we had all those couches and chairs for the audience to sit on and it's like you it's more for the vibe than actually actually seeing the chairs we wouldn't believe the amazing cute chairs that every single audience member was sitting on a cute jerk that's the thing about katie is like every detail there might be a trinket in the far corner of the room behind the camera that we're certain will never be seen but if we said it was important katie will get it right and it's also like i'm sitting here and i'm feeling like i'm in a comfortable cozy living room so then that affects the vibe of how we're talking and how you've ever been i know i would never be saying these things otherwise typically have such a contentious relationship.

25:48Yeah, we got in a big fight right before this. We did. Yeah, we had to hash it out over coffee.

25:51Caleb Hearon:Do you want to tell everyone what it was about? I'm so bad at improv. You go. This is what I cannot do. Oh, yeah, let's talk. Yes, we were sitting at the coffee shop. Yeah, I mean, you're halfway there. That's just the truth of what happened so far. And then you fill it in. We're sitting at the coffee shop. Why can't I do it? And, yeah, you just brought up some of my infidelities that you don't like that I have been like hanging out with other people other than you that you get really upset I don't like that you've been having sex with other people yeah well and you brought that up I wanted to be only me you brought that up and I felt bad yeah I did actually a true thing about us is that when we lived together for the special which is funny of us yeah but I was like if you want to direct the special you have to live with me for a week and a half and then I remember we said that then when people ask how we met we can say we were roommates in Chicago yeah and it was beautiful it was we were roommates in Chicago But I wanted to have sex in the apartment a couple times.

26:48Caleb Hearon:You did, yeah. And I did ask permission. And that was fine. Which felt respectful. Yeah. I didn't know your level of exposure to gay men. My brother is gay. So I was like, I didn't know if you've dealt with this before. Yeah. Like, hey, there's a guy who's getting off work nearby and he wants to come over and have sex with me. So I am interested in doing that. Yeah. Ultimately, it's 4.30 p.m. in the afternoon. Right. Just want to make sure that's okay. And that was fine for me. I think we all watched a movie after. Yeah. Right? I think we watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Oh, yeah. I liked that guy.

27:18Yeah, yeah.

27:19Caleb Hearon:That guy was cool. That guy was cool. Yeah, and I was cool about it. Yeah. You were cool. You were really cool about it. I miss that guy. Who was he? We'll never know. No, I know his name. I have his number. We've texted since then. Cute. Yeah. Did he watch the special? I didn't ask. I didn't ask. I kind of hope not. Yeah. Only because that's kind of weird. It is weird. You know? Yeah. It is funny the number of people that I've dated since the special came out or like flirted with or even become new friends with that are like, oh, I'm going to watch your special. And I'm like, just heads up. It's extremely revealing.

27:55I mean, I feel that I've learned now that podcasts can be listened to by anyone. I feel the problem with them. I feel that when they first started, I was like, well, I'm just talking to my friend.

28:07Caleb Hearon:Yeah. It's not true anymore. No, it's not true anymore. And it wasn't true then. Yeah. It wasn't true then. It was never true. They're out there forever. It was never true. And then I was on Seek Treatment, Cat and Pat. Cat and Pat. And it's about sex and dating. Yeah. And I talked. Well, now that I say it, then people are going to go listen to it. But, you know, talking about losing your virginity and such. And told the whole story. And then now I'll talk to people and it'll come up and they'll go, oh, yeah, I remember that. And they describe it to me. And I'm like, oh. Right. So you know that, too.

28:39Now everyone knows.

28:40Caleb Hearon:It's a problem. I didn't ever intend, I guess I intended, I didn't know that this podcast would develop the reach it's developed. And I get texts. I've had to really think about the way I talk about things on here. Yeah. Because I get texts from people being like, hey, so that was like pretty obviously a story about me. And it's like anyone could kind of put that together. It's been rare because I do think I'm pretty judicious about like cutting stuff or like not using names or identifiers. But it's fucking hard because I want to talk about my life. And unfortunately, my life involves other people.

29:09Right.

29:10Caleb Hearon:I wish my life was just me. Do you, though? No. No. It's all about community. How do you feel about people? I have a question for you. Do you think human beings are innately good? You are not even ready for my answer. Yes, I am. Okay, so I've been reading The Dawn of Everything. Have you heard about this? Oh, my God. Have I heard of The Dawn of Everything? How far into it are you? It's hard to get through. Conclusion. You read it all? I'm in the conclusion. Oh, my God. It's hard. It's taken me like two years. I had to take a long break. I'm still working on it. Where are you at? It's a specter that looms over me.

29:39Caleb Hearon:I'm in the 200s area. Yeah. I mean, I will say that that's where it starts to really get boring. Yeah. Season two, it gets really bad. First, two chapters, I'm like, my entire worldview has changed. Yeah. Every single thing about the way that we organize our lives. I walk down the street, I go, concrete everywhere. Why is that person, why are we not helping this person? Yeah. Why have we constructed a world in which we don't help this person that I'm seeing right in front of me who needs help? Yeah. And we just walk because I have to. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go. To work? Question mark.

30:15Caleb Hearon:I have to go to my job. I have to go. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. What are you talking about? We created a society where we have to go. And then the chapter about farming. Yeah. Endlessly interesting. Very interesting. And then after that, I was like, I lost the plot a little bit. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. I mean, we started. Yeah. It really gets tough. Yeah. But you're in the conclusion. Yes. And what has happened? Well, you know, basically the whole, for those who haven't read the book or are unfamiliar, they posit a lot of questions at the beginning. Are humans innately good or are we a force that has been corrupted by creating society or do we need society because we are innately like an animalistic, violent people and we need rules, etc.

31:03Exploring all these things, exploring all these things. His conclusion, it's a little bit of both.

31:07Caleb Hearon:Yeah. 500 pages of there's no answer to the question. Damn, could see it both ways. Could see it both ways. Sometimes it's this and sometimes it's this. Yeah. Bit case by case.

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36:11uh well i i have a take yeah which is that i don't i didn't know i don't even need 500 pages

36:16Caleb Hearon:of research i don't even need to be that smart uh we're innately good that's nice that's my opinion i think so too i think that but uh when we start to fear that we're not innately good is when it causes us to not be good you know what i mean yes if we all were to collectively hold hands and believe that all humans are innately good there would i think be no issue we're in my My opinion is that we are innately good and over time we have created a society that is extremely abnormal and unjust. And it has corrupted, it corrupts most of us instantaneously. Yes. Most people by the time they develop consciousness have already been corrupted by a really evil, like malevolent society of selfishness, capitalism, like heteropatriarchy and racism.

37:01Caleb Hearon:And we immediately get, our innate goodness is immediately destroyed by that. and then we have to actually, the project of our lives is to work back to goodness. Yeah. But all that having been said, I think the same thing of happiness about what you said. When you say when we start to worry about, you said if we, when we start to worry about if we're good is when things go wrong. Yeah. Same is true of happiness. That is true. If you start thinking about, am I happy? Stop it. Stop it. Just quit that. Yeah. You're happy. You're happy. So that's suppression. Yeah. Hello. You're happy. Oh, no worries.

37:33You're happy.

37:33Caleb Hearon:You're happy. Don't worry about that. You're happy. No, I think inspecting it endlessly makes it impossible to be. You should certainly look at, like, your feelings, but, like, constantly, endlessly, intricately digging through, like. Oh, could I do this one small thing and then I'd be happier? Yeah. Stop. Stop doing that. Stop doing that. Do you have a friend? Yeah. Do you have a friend? Me? Yeah. Yeah, I do. How many close friends do you think you have? That's a good question. Because I think you have a lot. I think that I do. You have a really rich life. Thank you. Of beautiful friendships.

38:04It is nice to come visit here where I'm like seeing old friends that I haven't seen in a long time. And I'm like, look at all these people I know that are nice. Yeah. Like all these people that I love. Even if I like last night I hung out with my friend Lex who I've known for like, I don't even know how long. 12 years, 13 years. Crazy. And I haven't, we don't see each other that often. And every time we hang out, we're just like, I love you.

38:25Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Look at that. That's beautiful. Yeah. We do a little catch up. Who are you now? Yeah. Who have you become? Who have you become? Same old guy. Yeah. It's just fun. It is fun. I have good friends in LA, which is nice. I feel like that took a little while. Yeah. Because I feel like I moved there for work. And so most of the people that I met were through work. But that doesn't necessarily a good friend make just because we are working together. No, in fact, it can be really challenging. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, guys. That can be really challenging. Yeah. But no, I have. Well, my friend Sarah always talks about she's like, she's like, there's tier one, there's tier two and tier three.

39:03and when we first met, I was kind of like tier three, tier two cusp. I've made it to tier one now with her.

39:08Caleb Hearon:That's huge. I helped set up her engagement. Yeah, that's tier one. Yeah, tier one. I set up the picnic and then frankly ruined it because I wanted to watch.

39:20Her fiance said, you're in charge of setting up the blanket, but then you have to leave because I know, I was like, do you want me to hide behind a tree and take pictures? She was like, no, because if I know you're there, then like I won't be able to be in it. And I was like, totally, totally, I'm still going to hide. I want to watch.

39:35Caleb Hearon:You're like, totally, you'll never know I'm there. You'll never know I'm there. Where I hid is, I thought they were walking one way. So I hid, I ran up a hill and I, me and my friend Gabby, we were hiding up there and then they actually were walking that way. And then we dove into the bushes. What kind of sitcom ass? It was so funny. We dove into the bushes and I was like, they saw us, they saw us. And then finally we're like waiting over there for a long time in the bushes. We don't see them come out. We're like, all right, well, let's just go the other side of the bushes. We come out of the bushes.

40:02They're walking that way. And I immediately started running back into the bushes. And Sarah was like, okay, I saw you now. We really saw you this time.

40:10Caleb Hearon:We really, really fucking saw you. Please stop going in the bushes. That's so cute. It was really cute. That's one of the most adorable things I've ever heard. And by the way, no one was mad. Yeah. No one was mad that we ruined it. That's sweet. That's how it should be. I know. I was really afraid. Because I got greedy. Yeah. You tried to have too much. I tried to have it all. You literally tried to have it all. and it's not the 90s so women can't do that anymore. Women used to be able to have it all in the 90s. I know, you can't have kids anymore. No.

40:41Caleb Hearon:No. No, women can't have kids anymore. We end the episode on that. Yeah. That would be a really fun way to start ending our episodes. You know, we always have this really natural build where it kind of goes, we do this and this and then it's like, tell people where they can find you and thank you so much. I think it'd be really fun to actually just start ending the episodes with being like, so anyway, yeah, I thought maybe I was depressed for a little bit. Do you have like a tag at the end of the episode? Do we? No. No. No. I didn't know if, you know, It's like a jingle? No, sometimes the companies that we work for will be like, at the beginning of the episode, it has to be like, you know, whatever.

41:13Caleb Hearon:They're like, I think right now we have one that's like, wave or something. Totally. And I didn't know if they had an end one as well. Well, we could make one. Seems not. Yeah. Yeah, I'm always trying to find new ways to give. Yeah. To everybody. You don't do like, because you know how sometimes podcasts at the end, they'll do credits. How do you mean? They'll be like, this episode, what? They always kind of, it's interesting because they, I don't know, I always go, you could just put that in the. You should put it in the description because no one listens to that part. No, nobody listens to it.

41:41Caleb Hearon:And also, I don't believe in giving people credit for their work. I agree. Or fair pay. Well, I did like cover art for a podcast and then they credited me at the end of every episode and I thought that was really nice. But I was like, it might be overkill. Throw it in the comments. Yeah, every time. Throw it in the description. Is this a good photo? Yeah. S-Town. S-Town. Serial. Whoa, you did the art for that? Yeah, I did. The podcast was huge. Yeah. Yeah, your name is really out there. Not Serial, S-Town. S-Town was the serious fit. I know S-Town. S-Town was fucked up. Yeah. That actually really depressed me for a while.

42:12Yeah.

42:12Caleb Hearon:S-Town actually really fucked up my life for a good amount of time. That was crazy. I should go back and listen to that again. It's one of the only podcasts I've ever listened to because everyone was talking about it. It was the guy who fixed watches and clocks. Yes. Yeah. And everyone was talking about it. And I listened to it on like a series of road trips that I was taking at the time. And I, for a couple weeks, was like, like I really was dysregulated by it. Yeah. It was not a good listen. It was beautiful you did the artwork for it. Thank you. Thank you. I've done a lot of random photo jobs you wouldn't expect.

42:41I've done a Bill Nye book.

42:43Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Covers insert photos of like a children's signs. Of Bill? Of Bill. What was he doing? Beakers and stuff? Yeah. We had beakers. We had beakers that we filled with different colors. We put dry ice in the beakers. Oh, wow. He brought a lot of bow tie options. That's classic Bill. Classic Bill. He's not just the science guy. He's damn near the bow tie guy. And say that. The amount that he wears bow ties. Bill Nye? Bow tie guy. Bow tie guy. He should do a show called Bow Tie. He should. Anyway. Yeah. I've done a lot of stuff like that you wouldn't expect. What is the most random job you've done?

43:20Like a photo job?

43:21Caleb Hearon:I'm really opening it to anything.

43:27Recently I did a very random one for like a running headphones company. They like, you know, those headphones that are bone conduction. They just go over your skull. Yeah. They wanted, they were doing a tie in with the LA marathon and they wanted photos of the headphones in front of a bunch of LA landmarks. Cool. I said, that sounds pretty easy. You're an LA girl. Hardest job I've literally ever had. That was harder than truly any job I've ever done.

43:58Caleb Hearon:Wow. Why would it be? What would you think? I can imagine because it's a photo of headphones. Yes, it's a photo of headphones. They look weird. And they want a photo of headphones, which are this big, and a building, which is a big, that's a big thing. Yeah. They're like, do the photos in front of the Hollywood sign. It's like, huh. Yeah, that was one of them. Yeah, of course. I couldn't get that one. I tried. I really tried. And then the other thing is it's the most trafficked, most touristy, busiest roads in all of LA. And the only way I could get photos was I had to balance the headphones on top of my car.

44:32So I'm parking illegally in the most chaotic buses are almost hitting me. People are honking at me. Everyone's screaming at me. I'm like trying, because you know my back's hurting. I spilled an entire water bottle in my car, this big. and then I couldn't, it got trapped underneath the floor of my car. What did? The water. Okay. I couldn't get it out. I had to pay so much money to a guy because then there was a smell in my car. I couldn't get the water out. I had to remove the floor of my car. I had to pay a kid. I paid a kid that I found on Google Maps to remove the floor of my car because the water had gone under everything and was just sitting in there.

45:16I'm out money.

45:18Caleb Hearon:You've lost millions doing this photo shoot. I lost so much money doing this. And then it takes them months to pay me. Yeah, always. Finally, and I spent two straight days, an entire day driving around doing this. I'm in pain. It's 1 ,000 degrees. I finally see what it is that they've made. It's a GIF where it's about three seconds long, and it's just all the photos like, and I was like, you can't even see where I went. Yeah, they should have used AI. You're right. if only they used AI my car wouldn't smell bad hello and then some kid from Google wouldn't have gotten a job literally some kid from Google fucking maps shout out auto taco details with a Z yes on Google Maps if you live in the Los Angeles Echo Park Silver Lake area he will come to you water trapped on your floorboard he will come over rip it out he will literally he charged me so little money to do that that I paid him extra because I was like it took an entire day yeah we just came over and I was like there's a smell in my car I can't I thought we'd just vacuum it out and he was like, we have to remove the seats.

46:19Caleb Hearon:Yeah. It helped a lot. Yeah. There was so much in there. Yeah. I was putting the floor of my car in the dryer. Put the floor of my car in the dryer. I put the floor of my car in the dryer. It's so fucking funny, dude. That is so funny. Remove the seats. The floor is in the dryer. Yeah. Questions? Any questions? Any questions? By the way, you want to know my hot take? Yeah. David S. Pumpkin's hilarious. It's one of the most brilliant pieces of media in a decade. I actually get pissed off when people are like, I don't understand what's funny about it. It's literally so funny. What's there not to laugh about?

46:56Oh, it's a haunted house and everything's scary. And then there's just a guy that's like me describing the flaws.

47:07Yeah, I have Stevie on the podcast. By the way, the most popular sketch that's happened on SNL in forever. This is actually funny.

47:13Caleb Hearon:One of the only sketches they've had breakthrough in like two decades. and you're like, oh, I actually liked it. My hot take is it's funny. No, it's incredible. And it's Tom Hanks. And Bobby Moynihan, the funniest ever. So let's take one of the most iconic actors of many generations. Yep. Put him in a hilarious suit, by the way. Put him in a hilarious suit and have him be a fucking freak. Yeah, that's awesome. Sorry. Sorry. Tom Hanks on SNL is actually kind of goaded. Yeah, I can't remember anything much outside of that one. Oh, I'll tell you one. Oh, tell me. Black Jeopardy. Oh, yeah. When Keenan goes, this is what you can do with this is what you can do with thin women and he buzzes in as like a MAGA guy you know the whole sketch is like what do black people and MAGA have in common and Tom Hanks buzzes in as like a MAGA guy and he goes not a god damn thing and Keenan goes you god damn right it is so fucking funny it's one of the best moments of the show what's exciting you right now what's giving you hope and optimism and excitement what are you looking forward to uh good luck Like, der.

48:15It's actually, and I, it's hard. That's really hard. Yeah. It feels like a time where it's hard to retain optimism. That's completely okay. I know.

48:23Caleb Hearon:Yeah. I know. Tell me. My building. Yeah. We, there's 16 units in my building. And we've all become really, like, close, good friends. This makes me want to cry. And it's become, we have, like, a sort of informal tenants association. I would like to formalize it, but I think we're still kind of, like, not wanting too much retaliation from the landlord, but I do want to have a meeting with the LA Tenants Union and figure out how to, like, formalize it. I can connect you with some people. That would be literally amazing. They're good. They have a good organization out there. They're really good, especially the one in my neighborhood is, like, so solid.

48:58But it's just been really, really life-affirming and nice to say, oh, like, I have this building of people around me at all times, and we're all just always down to help each other, and because our, like, landlord is negligent of the building, and doesn't really care about it, we have become basically stewards of the building and we care about it and we're working to beautify it in ways that he would never spend money to do. And it's like little ways that life can be difficult and then you just go, should I ask for help? Should I not ask for help? And then I go, I'll just text the group chat. Like what, you know, I bought something on Facebook Marketplace.

49:36A gorgeous little piece of furniture, by the way. Have you ever heard of a gossip bench?

49:41Caleb Hearon:Of course, I love gossip bench. the most incredible thing ever created. Why are we not innovating like this anymore? Two-sided, beautiful. Why are we not innovating furniture like this? You need a unique space for it, though. Yeah. You need a unique... For my entryway. Yeah. Put on my shoes. Nice. Got the bench. Really, really good. And it was like, I could probably bring it in, but it's kind of delicate. I was like, should I try to just bring this in my house by myself? And I said, let me just... I don't want to bother the neighbors. I'll just text and see if anyone's home. Three people immediately.

50:08I'll be right there. And everyone's like, helping me bring it in.

50:10Caleb Hearon:This is one of the beautiful things about this is actually what you've just said is a really really good example of why to organize with your neighbors yes because in my building they're trying to remove all the door staff and we have come together and started a group chat and like it's i live in a big building so we haven't gotten everybody but we've got a lot of people and we sign petitions to like try and stop it tbd on if we're successful or not but that's what's happened is that it starts from this place of crisis of like yes we need to stop this thing that is happening uh-oh big problem and then as time has gone on it's turned into this really beautiful thing of like hey i have to go out of town for three days and at the very last second my flight's in like three hours my dog walker backed out can anyone in the building help with my dog i'm so sorry i can like this that and the other i can pay you people responding and being like i'd be happy to help you really don't have to pay me literally like me and some of my neighbors we just have keys to each other's apartments and it's literally like my neighbor will say oh i'm working late tonight can you go feed the cats i'm like of course yeah oh of course why would i not i'll walk right there I live in the building.

51:08And then the next time I have that issue, they'll do that for me. Yeah. And it's beautiful. And for us, it started also in crisis. We had a crazy roach infestation. Yeah. And the building was treating it unit by unit as opposed to just like the whole building at once. So the roaches would just kind of migrate and then migrate back.

51:26Caleb Hearon:We're over there. We'll go over there. And so we all had to like get on a group chat to try to coordinate our exterminations. And then it was like, oh, wait, the exterminations aren't even working. I'm doing research. Yeah. I'm buying the roach gel. By the way, if anyone is dealing with German roaches, you get this gel. Yeah. It's called, by the way, Vendetta. Hello. Hello. And I do have one. Vendetta plus. Yeah. Plus. Extreme. Vendetta. Extreme Vendetta. Nighttime cold and flu. Vendetta, nighttime cold and flu. Literally. Yeah. And so I just was like, I'm putting it in everybody's apartments, whether you like it or not.

52:02And now we're all friends, basically.

52:04Caleb Hearon:Yeah. No, I have actually, I had an interaction with a roach yesterday that changed things for me.

52:11Caleb Hearon:People are laughing in the studio. You may or may not know, you may or may not have heard me talk about this in my life. I don't know if I've brought it to your attention. Basically, I've been on a journey called 75 Caleb. 75 Caleb is like 75 Hard, except it's easy and it's for Caleb. What? 75 Hard, you know this? 75 hard is this psychopathic self-harm ritual wherein people like it's like you have to work out twice a day for 45 minutes one of them has to be outside you have to drink a gallon of water a day it's like really intense no sugar, no alcohol, no whatever so 75 Caleb's been this thing that I've been on it's barely happening at all anymore at this point it's completely fallen off like I'm back on diet soda I'm not really reading as much I did smoke two hits of a joint the other night which was supposed to be part of it but I'd say we're 40 something days in pretty fucking cool.

53:02Caleb Hearon:Caleb. Good job, Caleb. Good job, Caleb. So you know what? I think that it's fine. If you have a diet soda all told, it was like 38 Caleb and that was beautiful. But in any case, I'm trying to stop with the diet soda too. Look, it's like, yeah, I will say by the way, just so people know, I, I look, I'm a guy who has a diet soda or, or soda zero every single day. Went on 75 Caleb, but that turned out to be 38 Caleb. And by the way, the first time I had a diet soda after that, I kind of didn't feel very good. No, okay, this is the thing, is I'm literally like, all of a sudden I feel like I've woken up to realizing like, wait, drinking this thing that's entirely made of chemicals and looks a color it shouldn't look makes me feel bad.

53:45Caleb Hearon:Yeah, just because it's zero calories doesn't mean it's necessarily... Well, I was going to say, there was a time where I was like, you know, not doing so well with the eating. Yeah. And it was like, what would I eat? Grapefruit and Diet Coke on an empty stomach at all times, would you believe I developed a stomach disorder? Would you? Take a look at what happened. My stomach lining has evaporated. And I feel sick all the time. Yeah. And it's like, hmm, I wonder where I could have gotten that. Yeah. Oh, just the acid and the chemicals burning a hole through my insides at all times. And then now I have one and even just looking at it, I'm like, this is not right.

54:25I should be having water. And I never thought about chemicals ever before. And now everything, well, you know, plastic is getting it. I feel like I'm developing plastic-based OCD.

54:38Caleb Hearon:I'm entirely plastic. You are plastic. There's got to be so much. Like when they're like, oh, there might be microplastics in your testicles. I'm like, my testicles are plastic. Like I'm sure, trust me, I'm doing what you're not supposed to do. They say you're supposed to eat a credit card a day. Yeah, and I do, pretty much. I'm sure I do. Yeah. I'm sure I have so many plastics in my body. I don't control what they put out. Do you think that they're... Okay. Conspiracy theory. Conspiracy theory. What if the plastic makes us immortal? I hope so. I want to live forever. I'm having so much fun. I know.

55:09I am really scared of death, and I would like to keep going. I don't know. We'll see.

55:13Caleb Hearon:I only... Can I tell you, I only get... Like, my biggest source of sadness is that I can't be alive forever. My biggest source of sadness is that I can't do things forever. Like when I'm having a beautiful night with my friends, I go home and get sad because it had to end. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I get this way sometimes also when I'm like, oh my God, there's so many things I want to do and movies I want to see and books I want to read and places I want to go. I can't do it all. Yeah. There's only just one life we have. Time being limited is incredibly fucked up. Unless we consume so much plastic.

55:43Right. Because it might preserve us.

55:45Caleb Hearon:God, I hope. Because if the plastic's going in our brain, forever brain. Also, can I say? Boom. I love forever brain. yeah classic forever brain classic forever brain classic forever brain with Sandy Hoenig I there's this thing like when people talk about living forever where they're like well it would be sad because then all your loved ones you would have to watch all your loved ones die over and over again they go no they live too yeah oh you think in the fantasy it's just me yeah grow up I'm imagining something that's not real and fake by the way if it was just me I would take it but it's not what I'm after you're like I'll make new friends yeah for sure it would be a delight I mean I don't want to lose my loved ones all in front of my eyes many times over.

56:25Caleb Hearon:Right. But if that's what is offered to me. Yeah, would you take the deal? I would take the deal. Right, deal or no deal. I would take the deal. Deal. I would totally take the deal. Is that Howie Mandel? Howie Mandel. Howie, I'll take the deal. Howie, I'll take the deal. Open the briefcase and then close it after I take the deal. What? You should host a game show. So that'll never happen. I would love to host a game show. I fundamentally disrespect Unscripted. But what's this? This is not Unscripted. Yeah, right. I forgot. I'm reading off my script. Wait, wait, hold on. Let me just check my next line.

56:59Hold on.

57:00Caleb Hearon:No, I disrespect this as well. I mean, I literally, I avoided having a podcast for so long and then it basically happened to me kind of. Yeah, they made you have it. I don't want to host any sort of game show. If I was going to do anything, maybe I would have a formalized version of a talk show. Yeah. But I would do it my way where I don't have to be fake. Right. Like if they brought on a guest I didn't like, I'd be able to be like, so you're in this movie and like probably no one's going to see it. Like I would want to be real like that. Yeah. I feel the same way. And then I basically was thrust into hosting duties several.

57:32I was like, wait, this is the only thing anyone seems to want me to do, which I found interesting. I said, you're naturally charming. Well, thank you.

57:38Caleb Hearon:Yeah. It seems to come easy to you. Well, thank you. Does it come easy to you? I'll get back to my cockroach story. Being naturally. Oh, wait. Right. Does charm come natural to you? I think so. Do you feel effortlessly charming? Be honest. Because I think you are. Oh, thank you. I feel like probably. Probably. I think that I don't feel that way. I find, well, no, I'm not going to say bad things about myself. Hello. Because I'm trying to change the neural grooves of my brain. Well, just keep in mind you're talking about my friend Sandy. Just try to keep that in mind. It's so hard, but I'm going to say, yeah, I find myself, I think that I'm cute and charming.

58:08Caleb Hearon:You're very cute and charming. Thank you. Is it effortless though?

58:18Um, maybe, yeah.

58:19Caleb Hearon:You think so? Well, I don't know. Because then, like, I'm so anxious all the time. And I'm like, maybe it's not effortless. Maybe I'm kind of changing myself at all times to be what people want me to be. Yeah. Anyway.

58:35Well, because it's like, I can be laughing. I don't think you're changing yourself at all times.

58:37Caleb Hearon:I think you're always Sandy. I don't think that's true at all. I think that I am always Sandy. And that, like, yeah, maybe I don't want to always be lingering in pain. and I want to just have fun and laugh with my friends. Yeah. And even people that aren't my friends. I think that's where I go. I have a hard time. If I'm not having a good time with someone, I have a hard time not still acting like I'm having a great time. Right. I've gotten better at that. That's a hard thing. It's hard because what am I going to do? Sit there like with my arms crossed? I find this a lot on dates. Yeah. If I'm on a date and I'm not vibing, what am I supposed to do?

59:07Sit there and go, I'm having a terrible time. I'm going to leave.

59:09Caleb Hearon:Whoa. Yeah. No, you don't have to say I'm having a terrible time. Five hours and then we have to break up. No, hard limits on dates. Hard limits on dates. I'm really a big fan of hard limits on dates. 45-minute drink. First date, 45-minute drink. And if it's going great, then you keep going. But really setting up parameters. What do you say? I say, hey, you're so cool. I've loved chatting with you. I would love to get a drink on Tuesday night. I have a thing that I have to go to in the Lower East Side. Do you want to get a drink nearby at 7? And I maybe don't say the specific time that my thing is.

59:40Caleb Hearon:Sometimes it's a real thing. Sometimes it's fake. Yep. and I go on the date, and if it's fun, I keep going. Sometimes when there's a real thing, if it's something that I could invite them to, like not like an intimate friend thing, but like a bigger thing, I'll be like, why don't you come to this with me? But first dates, part of the problem with dating and why so many of my charming, beautiful, amazing friends are not doing it is because we only have a conception of dating that is extremely taxing and brutal where you have to agree to an entire night with a stranger. No, you can get a 45-minute drink and say, I would love to get to know you.

1:00:14Caleb Hearon:And then at the end, you can have one drink and say, this was so much fun. I really should get to my next thing. I loved meeting you. And if they say, hey, I'd love to do it again, you go, I'm kind of getting more of a friend vibe. And I understand it's different for women, so maybe there's different ways to approach it. But yeah. I'm having a horrible flashback. Did you see it in my eyes the whole time? I saw something happening. As soon as, I just had like a really crazy memory resurface. Was it where you were the punished or the punisher? Oh, the punished. Okay. Oh, the punished. Okay. Because I remembered I tried to do this once.

1:00:47Caleb Hearon:Okay. Tell me about it. I tried to do it. Yeah. This was back when I was in my straight era. Yeah. I was never really in my straight era. Boo! When I just was engaging more on the straight side. All straight, by the way. I am. Really? Whole room heterosexual. Whole room heterosexual. Full het. Yes. no B at all? See? Yeah, I was going to say there should be at least one shoulder stroke in the room. Yeah. I think that everyone is bi. My situation or fluid. I don't know if I like bi. I would love to hire gay people. It would be powerful but I we run a business They don't work hard. People need to show up on time.

1:01:25Caleb Hearon:Yeah. I've said this many times. I need people to show up on time. I need them to care about their jobs. Yep. Gay people are grifters. They're late. Yep. They, I know. They're liars. They're sneaks. They're cheats. I'm a gay person who has lied, cheated. I've grifted every job I've ever had. My day jobs, I was grifting these people and they really needed my help. They really hired me to do a job and I really was coming late and leaving early. Gay people are malevolent, wonderful, charming, fun people to go out with. So fun. They cannot be on the payroll. They take advantage. No, it's not like these guys are doing a great job.

1:01:53Caleb Hearon:These people disrespect me at every turn. They sometimes don't do things I ask. They live a responsible Christian life. Yeah. Whether they would say that or not, that is what they're living. It's true. It's true. Sorry, you tried to do a boundaries. Sorry, I just was shoved back to... You tried to have boundaries. Yeah, so when I once tried to have boundaries, I was on like a... I feel like it was like a Tinder date or something with this guy who was fully bald, but not bald in a way that was... Like in an intentional scary way. Yeah. Okay. His baldness was political. But you know when you see a guy...

1:02:28You know how like...

1:02:33Caleb Hearon:There's circumstantial baldness and there's political baldness. That's what I mean. It's like, you know how in nature when an animal like bears their teeth to show dominance? So it's like how men will like show their scalp to assert dominance. There's circumstantial baldness and then there's baldness that votes. And honey, his is at the ballot box. Oh my God. I just had another flashback. To another one. Another one. Oh my God. That was crazy too. That was crazy. It's the fireplace. Oh my God. But this one was basically, I tried to do that. I had a show nearby. I was going to a show. Of course.

1:03:04This was at the Annoyance Theater. Were you over in New York during the Annoyance? I was not. It was a good time. It was like two years. And I was like, I'm going to have a drink with this guy at a bar nearby. And then my out will be, I have to go to this show. Yeah. The whole drink, he's being scary. Okay. At one point, he's showing me a D-Outward music video on his phone. And I believe he maybe showed me porn. I don't remember, actually. And I was scared. Yeah, of course. I was scared for my life. and I was trying to get out of it and he just kind of kept following me to each new place. And then I texted Mitra who was also going to the show and I said, I need you to accident, or maybe it was Alyssa.

1:03:44I'm trying to remember. They've both saved me from scary situations. But it's hard to remember which one. But one of them came in and they were like, oh, Sandy, the show's starting early. We have to go because it was right next to the theater. And I was like, I gotta go. And he was like, I'd love to come. And he continued to come.

1:04:02Caleb Hearon:No. And he followed us into the, I was literally like so trying to get away from him. Yeah. Came with us. I immediately get into the theater and run into the green room and close the door. I just leave him out there. Yeah. And he's, I see him bald head shining in the audience. Spotlight on the, on the ball. And I just was like, I don't know what to do. This guy like, well, it was so, yeah, no, it doesn't, I guess maybe it doesn't work as well. It's really scary. Yeah. I will always acknowledge that being a woman dating men is of course different. And I don't know what to do. I don't remember how I got out of it.

1:04:34I think he even texted me after being like, I had such a great time. I would love to see you again. And I was like, did you not clock when I ran away and hid?

1:04:41Caleb Hearon:Yeah, did you not see the fear in my eyes and movements? Don't you recall when I left you to die in the basement? And I ran away and locked the door? Do you not remember when I did everything I could to get you killed? Do you not remember when my dear friend so obviously came in and lied to try to save me? Sandy! The comedy show's starting early! The show's starting early? That's never happened. Pardon? It's basically like a fucking movie when the friend calls and goes, your dog is sick. Literally. Yeah. It's like, come on. People are sick. I mean, yeah, I don't know. I've, I, the number of times I've gone on a date where it was like, clearly you're a dud.

1:05:16Caleb Hearon:Clearly I'm a life saving force at the table. Clearly I am like being effervescent and asking a million questions and making this interesting just so I didn't waste 45 minutes of my time. And then these men will text me afterwards and say, I had an amazing time. of course they did because you're a delight. Of course you did. You didn't pay for the ticket and I still put on the show. Literally. That's how I feel. They go, oh my God, I had so much fun. I go, yeah, because I'm a professional comedian. Yeah, you had a great time because I do this for a living and you're a dud. Yeah, I can talk to a silent audience.

1:05:41Caleb Hearon:Yeah, and I have. And then, honey, I'll do it again. And I'm not talking about dud where I mean like, oh, you're a sweetheart who's nervous. I've gone on multiple dates with the sweetheart who's nervous. I will see that through. Because you can bring him out of it. I'm talking about boring, uninteresting, like self-centered. like yeah it's a different thing where I'm like you were a bad time because you haven't decided that learning how to interface with another person is worth your time in this life and you think that we had an amazing date that's shocking yeah shocking shocking to me so my cockroach story yes so sorry don't be sorry I love the day that we're having and I would do anything for you in any lifetime basically pretty much at the I want to say the hour and minute and second that I announced that I was going to be doing 75 Caleb, which resulted in 38 Caleb.

1:06:30Caleb Hearon:They put up a sign on my block that they would be opening a Taco Bell. I want to say 271 feet from my front door. That's really, really tough. 271 feet, and I'm almost certain that's right because I once talked to a guy on Grindr who was about at that place. He was at the Taco Bell. He was at the Taco Bell. What's your order, by the way? My Taco Bell order? I won't be having one anymore, and here's why. I... I see that they're putting in the Taco Bell and I feel a feeling that can only be described. Do you, like, if you were, if it was like Vietnam during the war and your child had gone away to serve and then you got a knock at the door and saw an officer in their best uniform, that's how it felt when I saw the Taco Bell sign go up.

1:07:18Caleb Hearon:I knew what was coming for me. I knew it wasn't good news. They don't drop by in uniform to let you know everything's going well. Right. So I said, I'm prepared. I just wanted to let you know he's actually killing it. He's killing so many people. We're winning. We're winning, by the way. Yeah, he's not doing drugs in the woods. He's not dead. So that's how I felt when I saw the sign go up. And then last night, in a moment of what can only be described as pure weakness, I decided I got off a city bike, and it was about 10 p.m., and I said, I'm going to stop and get Taco Bell for the first time.

1:07:51Caleb Hearon:You said 74, Caleb. I said 74, Caleb. I said 38, Caleb. Right, right, right. I said, hey, look, I'm going to get a little something from Taco Bell. I haven't eaten since lunch. I'm going to get one chicken quesadilla and one soft taco. Now, what was my order before that? Thank you for asking. My order in the past has been a chicken quesadilla, a cherry Pepsi, two soft shell tacos, and maybe a beefy five layer burrito. Enough food to feed six to seven youth sports teams. so I said I'm gonna get one chicken casillia one soft taco no soda call it I walk into the Taco Bell feeling weak feeling embarrassed already feeling ashamed that I've even walked into the Taco Bell immediately over my foot crawls the biggest cockroach I've ever seen in my life you said it's a sign I still no right walked further into the Taco Bell on the phone with my friend I said oh my god the biggest cockroach in the world just crawled over my foot in this Taco Bell.

1:08:50Caleb Hearon:As I'm saying that, I start typing on the screen, quesadilla. It's screen now? It's screen. I start. God. We've lost our way. We've lost our way. I start typing quesadilla onto the screen and then I just got hit with a moment of clarity where I was like, you need to turn around and leave this Taco Bell. And I said to my friend on the phone, I said, hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm being weird. I just realized I have to get the fuck out of this Taco Bell. And I turned around and left the Taco Bell. Wow. And went home and ordered Popeye's.

1:09:25Caleb Hearon:So, look. So, look. Life is worth living. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's beautiful. That's kind of, there was this video that - Can I tell you one more thing? Sorry. Of course. Popeye's was cold. Popeye's showed up cold. Well, if you order it. I was way too hungry. Didn't even put it in the air fryer. Ate it cold. What are you going to do? Well, probably at some point seek medical help, but at this moment, I'm going to eat cold Popeye's. that also probably had a cockroach in it. I have kind of no self-respect and I don't heat up food. Hello. The third time you said you don't have self-respect on the show, by the way.

1:09:57Caleb Hearon:Obsessed. I know, I have to work on this. You have self-respect. Okay. Just every day start saying it. I have self-respect. I know, that's the crazy thing about affirmations is you do it and you go, I'm a sociopath because I'm speaking to myself in the mirror being like, I'm okay. Yeah. And then guess what? It works. I have been told I'm one of the greatest manifestors of my generation yeah and I don't believe in it do you do do any kind of affirmation sure I'm telling myself things all the time yeah it's how I get through the world yeah I go you're incredibly brave you're so strong Caleb Caleb you can do this Caleb you actually like that thing on your calendar that you have to do yeah Caleb you are charming and hot and people love you all the time I tell myself these things and it's made a beautiful life for me to be fair I go I'm late I'm late I'm late everyone's mad at me my apartment's disgusting I'm late I'm reviled I'm late I'm disgusting I've never looked worse.

1:10:47Caleb Hearon:And yet, you're a delight. You're hot. You're gorgeous. People love to see you. Thank you. You were late to seeing me today. And do you know what I felt? 15 more minutes to be excited to see my friend Sandy. That's what I thought. I was late. Well, that's the thing is because my new thing is setting alarms so that I don't be late. Yeah. And I set it for PM, of course. Well, but also I think that you were living in the moment. You were having fun. That's true. I was having a delightful lunch with my dear friends, Annabelle and Sabina Meshki. And today I was in a space where I could be okay with that.

1:11:16Yeah.

1:11:17Caleb Hearon:There are a lot of days I'm not. A lot of days I would have punished you. Yeah. In the past. But I'm not like that. We said it was always supposed to be 12.15. In every universe we were going to get coffee 15 minutes after we said we would. You know what? If we had met at 12, something bad, the universe was preventing something bad from happening. There was probably a 15 minute line at that coffee shop at 12. And by getting there at 12.15. I saved us. We avoided it entirely. Yep. Or a gunman or something. Right. equivalent situation there was probably an active gun situation there was an active shooter at that coffee shop at 12 yep it had all been cleared up by the time we got there at 12.15 yeah because if we had showed up he would have gone through with it yeah but because we weren't there he said he said well there's really no targets yeah yeah

1:12:00Caleb Hearon:he walked in put this gun and he was like oh man ah fuck who was here yeah fuck did we keep that in the special uh yeah yeah yeah I thought it was funny I love talking about active shooters. I don't know. It's just like. Oh, oh, the thing that happens. Sorry, it's a huge fear of mine. It's happening all the time. I'm not allowed to joke about it. Oh, sorry. The thing that I fear all the time going out in public. I'm completely terrified of an active shooter situation. I'm going to talk about it to take power away. Yeah. If you don't want me to talk about it, take the guns away. Make it stop happening.

1:12:30Caleb Hearon:It's happening everywhere. Yeah. Every once in a while, this is a really sick and true thought that I have, and we might cut this. Yep. There will be a day where I realize I haven't heard about a really bad mass shooting in a while. maybe those are over. I know. And then, and then of course, and then you open the phone. Yeah. It's never over. But there are days where I go, wow, we haven't had one of those in like a while. I know. But usually it's just because maybe we didn't hear about it. Well, and I'm saying really bad. I'm saying like, I'm not even counting when just like three or four people get killed.

1:12:56Caleb Hearon:Yeah. And that's where we're at. I know. We're at a place where I'm like, when they say there was a mass shooting and they only got three or four people, I go, I only actually lives in my brain now. I know. I'm like, it wasn't 20 or 50. it's so fucked that's fucking crazy it's crazy it's not because I I see that and I still try to like muster some like human like heartbreak over it because I'm like I want this to be uh novel I want this to be a unique thing for my brain to be experiencing but yeah if it's not like ten plus people I kind of go like oh we haven't had a big one in a while

1:13:30Caleb Hearon:I know and I actually don't want to cut that because it's reality it's so scary and it happens all the time and I'm like yeah so I think about it all the time. It's really not good. I used to refuse to go to movies on premiere nights. Same. I was like, I won't go to the first big night. Well, I'm always casing the joint. Yeah. I get in and I'm going, I'm making my plan. Yeah. Fake dead. Yeah. That's my big plan. Sorry. You just, you like fake dead in a section they haven't even gotten to yet. Someone stands up too fast to go to the bathroom and I'm... Like, like the shooters, the shooters only work in the right side of the room.

1:14:05No, a guy that is...

1:14:06Caleb Hearon:He looks to the left and you're like this. I've drawn X's on my eyes. He looks to a side of the room he hasn't even looked at yet. You're in a chalk outline of yourself. I've popped the blood capsule in my mouth that I bring with me. You like squirt ketchup on yourself. He's like, babe. It's a guy that's not even a shooter. He just got up to go to the bathroom too fast.

1:14:32Caleb Hearon:No, it gets really, one thing that gets really hard that I noticed It's like when I was depressed and didn't care if I lived or died, life was actually pretty easy. Right. Not scary at all. Right. I was like, Oh my God. Like you said, do it. I was like, yeah, fucking God would love that. Like somebody do it. When I was really, really dealing with like chronic illness, I was like, if it happens, it happens. Yeah. Look. And then once you like, I literally was going, whoa, I've had a good life. Yeah. Oh yeah. That was a big part of my depressive era was like, you did a good one. Yeah. You're a good, you had a better life than a lot of people.

1:14:59Yeah. I was like really in it with the, with the illness when after the first season of Deborah's and I was like, Hey, I got to make a season of a TV show with my friends.

1:15:08Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Would it be, at least I have that. Yeah. That's beautiful. Yeah. And so sad. Yeah. Yeah. And then once you start to like being alive, it gets so annoying because it's like, Oh my God, I fucking have to go to the dentist. I literally want to live. I know. I like want to have my same teeth in like 40 years. That's so annoying. It is annoying. Do you have a good dentist? What? Do you have a good dentist? I have an amazing dentist. And I'm not saying his name, but he's in Kansas City. Okay, I love that. And I love him and his whole staff. I used to have an amazing dentist, and then, unfortunately, he passed.

1:15:41But then they continued to email me from the clinic, but they never changed his name from the emails. And then I kept gaslighting myself being like, did he not actually die? And did I, like, have a false memory of him dying? I made up that he died. That's crazy. But then I opened the email, and it's like, after his past. But I'm like, let's change the Gmail name.

1:16:01Caleb Hearon:Let's change the Gmail name in a big way. Yeah, because you keep kind of making me think my sanity has gone. I will say my dentist staff has gotten really obsessed with my career in a way that's extremely Kansas City. So every time I come in, you know, I go in like every three, four months when I'm in town, and every time I come in, it'll be like people popping out of rooms that they really shouldn't be popping out of to be like, we saw the Devil Wears Prada too. They're like covered in blood. You were truly, like someone's like writhing in the chair and they're like, we saw it. Pulling the teeth.

1:16:34Caleb Hearon:Truly, it's crazy. And I'm like, okay, thanks you guys. My old dentist, my brother and I used to go to the dentist together. Yeah. And then for some reason, the dentist thought we were married. We kept being like, why does everyone in the dentist office think we're married? It's totally normal for two adult siblings to go to the dentist together. We're obviously adult siblings who do dentists at the same time. Yeah, all they're seeing is Jake Honig and Sandy Honig. So then, you know, they're going, hey, okay, so your husband's still in there. But, you know, and I was going. Oh, this couple, they got a sitter for the kids so they could come at the same time.

1:17:07Caleb Hearon:How sweet. Obviously. Clearly. Yeah. That's so funny. He also was so enthusiastic. He would, like, when he would check my teeth, he would have the little, you know, the thing where he kind of, like, pokes it to see if they're good. And he would go, oh, yes, really good, amazing, gorgeous, gorgeous. He was like, oh, fuck. He would be like, oh, amazing. Oh, incredible. And then finally when I went, he never did anything to my teeth. I went to another dentist in L.A. and he went, who was your last dentist? We have work to do.

1:17:41Caleb Hearon:He goes, oh, God. He was literally like, your last dentist was, like, I don't understand why he didn't do anything. Oh, I fucking love that. Yeah. Sandy, what's so true to you? Oh, okay. I was trying to think about this, and then the only thing that was coming to mind for me is just immediate because this is what I'm experiencing on this trip right now to New York. I think that we should all collectively agree to not wear nice shoes. Yeah. Stop. Stop. Shoes can't be cute in New York. No. Let's stop the outfit here. Yes. Because I'm in pain. Yes. And I'm traveling, and I don't want my bag to be that heavy.

1:18:21Caleb Hearon:Yes. I only can wear cute shoes if I'm carring to the event and home from the event. And even barely then. And if the event is mostly sitting. Literally. Yes. I don't understand. And then I'm like, do I have particularly bad feet? Or is everyone experiencing this and they're just silently in pain? They're powering through it. To what end? I don't understand. We've got to stop. I was about to say, we have but one foot. But we have to. We have but one foot. We have but one foot. But we do have but two feet. Yeah. You know. If we're lucky. Most of us, yeah. If you'd be lucky. And I just, I'm wearing my absolute ugliest shoes on this trip.

1:18:53Caleb Hearon:Yeah. Of course, regretting it. Yeah. But I'm like, whatever. Every other trip I go on, if I don't bring these shoes, I am in so much pain. And do you know what is the worst part of all this? What? Even accounting for everything that you've just said that I've just vehemently agreed to, I think we both know, the shoe makes the fit. I know. It's like, that's the thing that sucks. And unfortunately, it breaks the fit. Because I'm literally, I'm looking a mess this entire trip. I bought a really, really cute little skirt from this store. Have you ever been to Lagoon in Bedside? Of course not. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

1:19:25I just want to shout out. And I bought this little skirt and I was like, I literally can't wear it on this trip because all I have are my absolute ugliest sneakers.

1:19:33Caleb Hearon:Yeah. And they're so ugly. You see them over there. It's not stopping any of the, oh, I saw them earlier. I clocked them. They're horrible. It's not stopping any of the girls in Brooklyn. Oh. Most of the girls in Brooklyn are wearing some busted ass shoes with some busted ass clothes as well. There's a lot of people dressing busted as fuck in Brooklyn. That's how I used to. And I legitimately love them. They're my family. That's how I used to be. Yeah. But I'm just like, if we all collectively agree to wear ugly shoes, then we, nobody, you're so right, it does make the fit. It does. It makes or breaks the fit.

1:20:01Caleb Hearon:The shoes are everything. When I learned about shoes. I know. I literally was like mortified for all the years that I've gone wearing sneakers. I know. I didn't even know you could have more than one pair. Yeah. And by the way, my mom came into my apartment now that I have like four pairs of shoes. Yeah. She came into my apartment and went. A lot of shoes. Well, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but keep in mind, your mom has a lot of stuff in her house as well. Well, and by the way, the way that she has shoes is if she finds a pair of shoes that she likes, she will buy six of the identical pair.

1:20:33Caleb Hearon:Love her. Keep them in the closet. Yes. Because she goes, I know I like them, and I know they're not going to make them forever. Yeah. So I'm going to just, and you run through shoes. I do this sometimes with shirts and pants. Yeah. I go, there's a pair of pants I've bought several times from Levi's. And I'm like, just in case they ever stop making it, I've got two backups in the closet. I should have done it. I have a shirt that I'm in love with right now. And everyone will know what shirt it is because it's a plain white t-shirt I've been wearing every single day. But I love it. And I almost, it was cheap.

1:20:59Caleb Hearon:I almost bought multiple copies of it. Copies. And I didn't. And it's fucking sold out now. Copies and sold out. I'm about to write to the company and say, you need to make more copies of this shirt and send them to me, please. I'll post that you did it, please. I've gotten really obsessed with if I find, like I have this jacket that I've had for 15 years. Yeah. It's the best thing I've ever owned. I know it. The green. You were getting alterations on it because it was like truly ripped in every place. Yes. But instead what I did, instead of alterations is I found, and by the way, I'm loving the backing up, but I found the identical jacket.

1:21:36It was like a vintage jacket that I got for like four cents at like a Goodwill bins. Found the identical one on eBay It took months Ordered it Now I have a brand new version It's not as good of course Yeah It doesn't hit the same It's like brand new But all my friends make fun of me of course Because they say I'm going cartoon character mode

1:21:53Caleb Hearon:Well When something works it works I know And by the way we all end up wearing the same thing honey Dirt And say that Say that And say that Who cares if my shoes are ugly We're all going to the same place Six feet and da Six feet and da Love How do you want to be buried? Or not? I legitimately do not I'm not and this is going to sound like a bit I'm not fully convinced that I will die and and if I there might be a cure soon I don't understand I just don't see a world without me yeah does that make sense well of course because you're you I like do not see a world without me because how could you because you have only known a world with you for a long time I was obsessed with the idea of a world without me I was like let's let's make it a reality quick and then I got to a place where I was like, this world needs me.

1:22:41Caleb Hearon:It is true. I need me. People really need you. I need me in this world and I don't see a way that the world could go on without me and also my greatest fear is that it will when I pass. If that makes any sense. I guess it always does, huh? It does no matter who goes. No matter who you are, the world goes on and that is scary to me and I also will say, I think I'd like to be cremated but that scares me because I touch and feel my body now and I go, they're going to burn it. Right. But then I don't know I worry about cremation for the environment. It can't be good, right? Cremation? Yeah. I think better.

1:23:11But burial is the worst. Burial is the worst. But what about just throw me in a hole? Throw you in a hole?

1:23:18Caleb Hearon:Throw you in a hole is, I guess, probably best case. Yeah. Yeah, for the environment, as far as environments go. You know what I just learned about? Tell me about it. They can compost your body now. They can compost your body? They can make you tree? They can make you jewelry? And I know this because when my dad died, One of the funniest things that happened is we were at the funeral home and they were telling us all the things we can do with his ashes. And they go, you know, we could even, there's things we can do now. We can put your loved one's ashes into a piece of art. He's being very sweet and thoughtful.

1:23:45Caleb Hearon:He goes, we could put your loved one's ashes into a piece of art. And my grieving grandmother goes, no art. And we go, okay, girl, they're not going to make us do a painting with dad. Like, chill, relax. Like, we won't put him in the painting. Wait, I'm really laughing right now at the idea of, like, if there was a guy who was in charge of making that art and, like, he made, like, the worst, ugliest paintings. He paints a banana. It sucks. Like, it's, like, so ugly and bad. Like, you know the woman that, like, fixed the painting of Jesus and made a monkey? Yeah. Like, if it was, like, that kind of thing.

1:24:19Yeah. And then you kind of, like, had to put it up.

1:24:22Caleb Hearon:Yeah. You're like, well, that's dead. Yeah. Yeah. You know what they can do now? They can turn your loved one into a Samsung frame. I would actually love that. I would love that. Now, I think my best case, I don't think it's going to happen for me. I'd love to be like stuffed and presented.

1:24:40Caleb Hearon:Like they put me in a museum or something. They like stuffed me and put me in a museum. And I'm just standing. I'm sitting like this.

1:25:03Caleb Hearon:a couple from another country is having a fight in front of me. Someone's hanging their bag on your wrist. Oh, can you hold this? There's like three 15 year olds, uh, sitting charging their phone on a bench right there. Oh, they put the charger in you. No, they can turn your loved one into a charging hub. I'm a charging hub. Yeah. They can, they can, um, put USB C and USB. Yeah. My dick is a charger. Yes. Well, it could be fun if you're kind of naked. Okay. So if you, they can turn your loved one into a kind of like a, a coffee table, but you're like this. Yeah. So you can also hold drinks. Hold a drink for him.

1:25:34Caleb Hearon:And I make this face. Yeah, and you go, thanks, buddy. Yeah. Hey, cheers. Yeah, I think it'd be fun. That'd be fun to get stuffed and put on display. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. A fuckable me. Right? Oh, my God. They put me on all fours. Oh, yeah. And they put in like a fake robot hole that's really fun to fuck. Sorry. Really fun. You wouldn't want to fuck my actual hole forever. It would like decay. Right. But if you put in like A basically like a flashlight A good latex Yeah a flashlight Like a latex hole Aftermarket You put an aftermarket hole on me I would love to someday be a bottom I've bottomed before But it wasn't for me So I could be a bottom in the afterlife Yeah that's so sweet I think we've been recording for two hours

1:26:23Well it's okay because we have to cut half of it

1:26:25Caleb Hearon:Yeah let's play We have to cut a lot of it I'm trying to decide if we'll cut Michelle saying that I leave skid marks in the toilet. I'm not embarrassed of it, but I think it makes her look bad. Do you know what I mean? Like, it makes her look like an ungrateful and unfaithful employee. Like, future employers might see her do that and go, this girl cannot be trusted. Right, because she might tell if I have skid marks. That's one thing about all three of these people, the guys' earmuffs. They don't appreciate how good they have it. Like, they don't understand, like, another employer would, like, berate you and, like, do all these kind of things.

1:26:51And you only do that on pod.

1:26:52Caleb Hearon:I only do that on pod as a joke. Like, in real life, I'm such a sweet boss. and like the three of them have no appreciation or respect for like how bad things can actually be. Yeah. Well, you should show them. Teach them a lesson. They act with like impunity. They act like crazy and they don't realize like someday you might have to work for someone who actually sucks. Sandy, I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said is true or false. Okay. And if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars.

1:27:19Caleb Hearon:And as the show has grown, we have not raised the number. Are you ready? There are eight planets in our solar system. False. True. Ah! Wait, how many do I have to get right? After the first question. You have to get ten or more correct. Wells Fargo is the oldest bank in the U.S. False. False. It's the Bank of New York. Michael Keaton is the oldest of seven children. Sure, true. False. He's the youngest. He's the youngest. The show Lucifer was never nominated for an Emmy. True. False. It was one time. For what? What is it? Lucifer. I don't know. That's a chance type thing. New Haven's nickname is the Elm City.

1:27:57I'm from there and I don't know. True. False.

1:28:04Caleb Hearon:True. True. Count that for her. Sea otters have the densest fur of any animal in the world. Sea otters. False. True. The human heart has three chambers. True. False. Four. What? Ottawa. Ottawa is the capital of Canada. False. True. There are no.

1:28:27Caleb Hearon:There are no mammals that lay eggs.

1:28:32True? False. Five species.

1:28:37It's got to be one or the other. Because what it is is as soon as I say it, I know. As soon as I say true, I know it's false.

1:28:49Caleb Hearon:The current president of NYU is Richard Beck. No, false. False. It's Linda G. Mills. Yes, I knew that one. Fisher Price was originally a clock manufacturer.

1:29:03Caleb Hearon:False. False. It's always toys. The Dead Sea Shore is the lowest point on land on Earth. True. That's true. The smallest bone in the human body is in the foot. True. False. The ear. Jenna Fisher is from Kansas City. True. False. St. Louis. She's from, of course, St. Louis. Connecticut. Connecticut is the 48th largest state in the U.S. That would, wait, that would be really, wait, 48th largest. Yeah. So that would mean it's the second smallest? True. That is true. How'd she do? Did you know I'm from Connecticut and that's why it was Connecticut based? Yes, all the trivia is guest specific and you'd hit a very strong six.

1:29:41Caleb Hearon:Strong six. But what about the ones where as soon as I said it, I knew it was wrong? Yeah, yeah. What about the ones where I gave an answer and felt Caleb's energy shift? What about the one where you said the foot and I immediately went, it's the ear. Fuck, it's the ear. Fuck, it's the ear. Because I'll say the way you say it, you sound so convincing. Yeah, thank you. That's really beautiful, thank you. That's why you should host a game show. I work really, really hard on this show. Yeah, I know. It is so hot in here. Can you tell that I'm like, I'm completely sopping wet. I'm dripping with sweat.

1:30:13Caleb Hearon:This is why we're, see, you understand the studio is charming, but we need to move. Sandy, please tell people where they can find you and how they can support you. Oh my gosh. Okay. Well, you can find me, I guess, on fucking Instagram. I don't know. I have a new short film that's coming out that I wanted to talk about. Yes. Say it now. How long can I talk about it? Say it now. Okay. It's called Utopia Air. It's going to premiere on this thing called Chunks. That's going to be, I'll have a link. But basically, Chopper Trap House podcast produced this comedy anthology, and they commissioned six brand new short films, comedy freaky deaky, and they let me do one.

1:30:50Caleb Hearon:I can't wait. And I'm really happy with it. I've been trying to make it for like three years. I love it. Yeah. I'm so excited. I can't wait to watch. I'm really excited. My friend Phoebe did all the animation. She's like unbelievable. We've been trying to work together on something forever. Yeah. Because she did a lot of animation on Debra's and she's really talented. And I was like, I just need to get money and then we can do something. Hell yeah. Yeah. I can't wait for people to watch it. Well, go follow Sandy. Sandy, we love you. Thanks for doing it. Apple Pay is the simple, secure, and fast way to pay.

1:31:18Caleb Hearon:That's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone. Accepted at millions of places, from big box stores to boutiques, you can check out with your iPhone anywhere contactless payments are accepted. Apple Pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with Face ID before you pay, and your actual card number is never shared with merchants. Add your debit or credit card to Apple Wallet to check out in seconds. Simple. Secure. Fast. That's Apple Pay. Terms apply.

1:32:13This show gives me a reason to live. Discover Pandora Talisman,

1:32:18Caleb Hearon:a new collection designed to help you express every side of who you are. Featuring zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces, each design is a reflection of what inspires you, what you believe, and how you choose to show up every day. Because the most powerful statement you can make is being yourself. Pandora Talisman, a new language of self-expression. Shop new styles in-store or online. at pandora.net.