Sarah Sherman Sees Everything

23:58thinking about hell for sorry just check the clock 24 so now here at 21 years old barely legal i'm all of a sudden actually meditating on hell for the first time in my life for real really because i'm thinking about these guys going there yeah the big the big turn off for me on christianity there were a little small one a bunch of little small ones but the big one that i was like i really can't do this anymore when i was a teenager was the idea that every other like the idea of christianity is that every good muslim person every good jewish person every good sikh person like everybody who's not christian even if they're a phenomenal human being they all go to hell i was like this won't work this is crazy that makes no fucking sense well so like i would go to the hell the hell you would go to the hell that the ice agents are in and they wouldn't go to hell they wouldn't go to hell oh because they're christian they like jesus some of them is that actually christian that is christian yes that's christianity it's crazy not enough people are talking about this christianity is crazy you know what the weird thing is like no one's no one's talking about this i forget how crazy it is sometimes because my mom's one of the cool christians that's like everybody is good we love everybody like she fucking loves trans people like right she's like a jesus christian right no like meg jesus is yes exactly meg is very meg was the first person i ever met that who was like jesus rocks yes and then i read that zealot book or and everyone's like, oh, he's hanging out with fucking prostitutes, and he's like a hippie with sandals.

25:25He was a sandals hippie. Jesus Christ was sick. His fans are weird. Yes. His fans are weird as fuck. Well, we know many fandoms like this. Yeah. Unfortunately. How do you feel about your fans? Do you get in trouble with your publicists a lot? Are you like... Is the HBO publicist in the room with us now? Do they have a sniper rifle in the corner of the room, just in case you talk bad about the company? I don't have a personal publicist. I have like we work with like SNL PR and HBO PR to tell people to be watching but I don't have a personal one. You want to plug it now? Plug it now. Do a sincere plug Sarah.

26:03I had a special that came out on HBO a couple months after Caleb's beautiful special and it would boohoo. If you guys don't want to burn in fucking hell for all of eternity how do I watch it? Go watch Sarah's special on HBO or you burn in hell for eternity. Hey click this link YouTube. We'll do a minute long pause of us just doing this. Up to the link. It's on a green screen. It becomes you edit into a gif of us jacking off to whatever. This is jacking off. Jacking off to whatever, of course. Yeah, of course. This is what fisting is. This is why I ask if you're getting in trouble with your publicist.

26:36Or in general. I feel like I say whatever I want all the time. And I can feel my publicist starting to get scared of me. Oh, sure. You be saying. I remember. I'm saying. I remember. you stay saying i remember when you got you did get in trouble did you get did you incur the wrath of the bisexual army i'm in trouble every week sir right there's really there's i could say something so innocuous and never in a million years you think i would put it out if i thought i was gonna get in trouble i say these things thinking i'm fine right and then someone gets mad at me i can't even count the number of communities that have been upset with me but i'm like this is we're supposed to be having fun i think we're having fun also like what i i I'm curious.

27:13What could we even say? What would we be talking about then? What do you want me to talk about? Snapple facts on the cap. The only thing I could think of. Yeah, that's PG. Why don't we read the Snapple? I love when you go into this. Who is this? This meek person I like. This is kind of a new character. I like meek Sarah. Hey, guys. Who does it remind me of? It reminds me of... Do you have any cricket? No, well, maybe. Well, maybe. Well, no, it reminds me of Kate Micucci. Oh, hey, guys. Shout out, Kate. Shout out, Kate. You're going to pull out a ukulele and do us a song. She's so cute. She's adorable.

27:57I wish I was adorable. You are. No, look at that. You have to be small to be cute. Look at that. Well, I have the reverse. I wish I was like 10 feet tall. Really? Then I'd get some fucking respect in the sound. I'm strong and handsome. I wish I was cute. Like a tiny little You have to be so small You're small Sarah You're cute Look at the big shoes I wear I like being imposing Your shoes are big You want to be scary to people Yeah I want to lord over people and be like Hey! If you had a different haircut and you dressed less awesome I know You would be so adorable coated I know To me you're like To me you're like this crazy fun chick.

28:41How dare you? If you had a bob, you'd be like a cute little girl. Bowen is obsessed when I have a bob. When I go like this in a bob wig at work, it drives men insane. It would drive me wild. It drives gay men insane. A bob drives gay men insane. It does. If a woman gets a bob, it's for the gay male gaze. And what is it? Is it because they just like saying like, Bob. No. Not to drag gay guys. No, you did. You really dragged us there.

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32:02That was hurtful. Who's your favorite gay guy? You don't have to say me just because you're... Joan Rivers. No worries. No worries. No worries at all. Hey, I have to go to the bathroom. Yeah. Sobbing, doing your TikToks. You hear me in there? When your friend's a huge bitch to you and you have to pretend it's okay, come back out. Let's get back to it, shall we? You're like, fuck, I have to make it seem like I was going to the bathroom and you're... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, Sarah? You like that poopy girl? Sarah, you like poop stuff, right, girl? It's funny that you didn't pick a gay guy, though.

32:33You went for Joan Rivers. It was, like, literally the first guy. Like, you said gay guy, and I went, Joan. She's the inspiro. She's the inspiro. She's the inspiro. She's the inspiro. Who's your favorite gay guy? My favorite gay guy? Yeah. Can't pick me? You can't pick you. My favorite gay guy? Oh, my gosh. Bruce Valanche. Oh, that's good. He should come on the fucking podcast. He's not allowed. Why? I don't know him. I only have people I know on the show. Is that so true? That's completely true. We have so many guests. How many people do you know? Nobody gets more annoyed than, you should see the requests that come in.

33:06People are mad at me. And you're like, I don't know you, bitch. I say, let's go to lunch or something first. And then they say, it's not that serious to us. And I go, okay. Wait, why, why, why, why, why? Because everybody does celebrity interviews. I'm like bored by that. I'm like, let's have an actual conversation. Let's get to know each other a little bit. Who would you like be like a breakdown of fucking barriers and be like, I understand that you don't. Hold on. Sorry. Pardon my French.

33:35I wanted to. Do you see that? You were like, Sarah, speak up. Say it with your chest. And I did. You did. It was beautiful the way you're acting. And if you bleep that out, you're silencing the female narrative. Oh, we won't. You magnify it. Can you get louder? Can you loud in the... We're going to make your burps so loud. Great. Yeah. If who would you be like Okay I know we don't know each other And you are on Like you are literally like a person That I actually can't even get to know But you can come on my podcast I don't think there's anybody I don't think there's anybody but it could change I'm not held to any of this What if Trump was literally like I'll come on Well none of his stupid little Like weak alpha shit would work on me Like his dumb little handshake thing where he tries to pull someone in You're not gonna pull me in right i'm standing my ground i'm standing i'm standing my ground i'm standing on business it's not clocking to you drum what was the full sentence what what was the full sentence it's not clocking to you is it it's not clocking to you that i'm standing on business is it you were obsessed with this was this when we were in new york yes yeah i was obsessed with is it business is it sarah was walking around our this little house that we had in upstate new york just talking to no one out loud being like it's not clocking to you guys you guys aren't clocking my business i became like a stim yeah business is it is it dude like and then that he's attractive he did something there didn't he he's attractive to me are you attracted to him i need him he is my like he is he is the same age as and looks like my little brother so when he's on that fucking stage at the fucking grammys in his fucking underwear.

35:14Just like fucking like How old's your little brother? Gotta be. Well if I'm 24

35:24Get your hands off of him. Yeah. Don't touch him How old's your little brother? Well I'm just like Justin Bieber is like in his 30s. You have a little brother in his 30s? Is he in his 30s? Justin Bieber? Isn't he like but he's America's little prince isn't he? For about 20 years now. Sorry. Canada. Canada's little prince. You know I discovered him. You were one of the YouTube believers? I was a believer before. No one wants to talk about this. The media tries to silence me. No one does. Before Usher got there. No. Before any record labels. No. I was watching him cover Brian McKnight on YouTube because I was looking up Brian McKnight back at one covers.

36:03And guess who had one? Justin Bieber. Ask me how many views were on the video when I got there. 42. Well, like a thousand. It's a very small number. That's a very small number. I was watching him sing Chris Brown, sorry, covers on YouTube before all the hitting and stuff. And I was a believer. Not many people fucking have it. Not many people have that fucking X factor. Not many people have the star power. Not many people have it. He has IT it. Do you have a musical talent? This comes up. Yeah. This comes up at my job. Yeah. Someone's like, hey, like we have a song and like people have to sing it.

36:40and I go, gun to head? I could do it. Yeah. Because isn't that the thing with singing? Like, everyone can sing. You just don't feel like you can. Like, you just don't believe her in yourself enough. I have the opposite thing. No. I can't, but I really think I can. I feel it. Okay, judgment-free zone. Just fucking go. Just fucking go? Give me a song. My eyes are literally closed. Oh, say can you see? By the what? By the dawn's early light Oh, Caleb! But see, what you're hearing is like, yeah, I hit a dumb little gay guy run. In my ears, I'm like, that was Aretha. I'm like, I was doing Aretha. I'm like, I was on a level right there that most people can't achieve.

37:27And that's the disconnect of my kind of... Well, not to fist your ego, but that sounded kind of fucking amazing to me. Did it sound like Aretha? No. And so that's my problem is I feel like I sound like Aretha. And in fact, I sound like a gay guy who was like the fourth best guy in his musical theater program. That's my issue. And this is what you were talking about where you're like, I'm not a narcissist, but I exhibit moments where it is bordering on. I have moments where I love myself a little too loudly. Hey, hey. Sometimes I think I'm Aretha. Oh, my God. If you had to audition for what? I just thought about her at Carole King's Mark Twain Prize.

38:03Let it out. or Kennedy Center Honors. Did you ever see that? No. She comes out. No. Aretha. No. Comes out. No. Fur coat. No. Splendor. Fur coat. Splendor. Purse in hand. Not leaving it backstage. Well, because you can't trust those. And she doesn't. Sets the purse on the piano. Sits down. Starts playing. You make me feel like a natural woman. K.R. King. Sobbing. Barack Obama. Sobbing. Me. Sobbing. Everyone's sobbing. I'm not in the room. I'm sobbing at home watching on YouTube. But like in a way you were. In a way you were in the room. I wish I was Maybe that's heaven If hell is like whatever Getting fisted by a thousand devils And the sixth ring of hell Then that's heaven And heaven is listening to Aretha sing And like sobbing with Barack Obama I do want to go to a concert with Barack I think I went to Amber Mark recently And I feel like Barack would have had a great time at it He's always putting out He's like this is my playlist And I'm like oh please Sorry He keeps getting dunked on He keeps being like I love this indie musician and then that musician's like, you're a war criminal.

39:02They never address it. Great. He still loves the song. I don't know what to tell you. They're playing it on the fucking drones. Great. That whole jig was up when he started putting out that he loved Boy Genius songs. I was like, you don't need to be listening to Boy Genius. You have enough. By the way, look at yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror. You're getting up there. You're too old to be listening to Boy Genius and telling us about it. At least have the decency to listen to it in private. Don't do that to them. Did you see Barbara at the Oscars? Who?

39:33Yeah, let's just light me. Just fucking light me. I'm really sorry. I didn't watch the Oscars and now I'm feeling bad, but what did someone have a viral moment? Barbra Streisand sang in memoriam at the Oscars. For who? Robert Redford and I was so big. Oh, you loved it? Because it was like a jump. Oh, you never think like Babs singing live. When do you think that's just going to happen? Yeah. So she, first of all, she gave like a 15 minute monologue. Everyone's like, kind of, what are you talking about? And she was at a podium that had a stationary mic. Yeah. And she brings out a wireless second mic.

40:13Yes. Stays at the podium where there's the first mic. And fucking go sobbing. Did she kill it? I mean, you saw the Google images you just brought up on the monitor. I didn't see any Google images. If we put on a video right now of a woman singing that would make you sob, would it be? Oh, right now, a woman singing that would make me sob. The first thing I thought of wasn't a woman. Fuck, that's embarrassing. What was it? It was fucking Frank Ocean covering him singing I Miss You at the Bowery Ballroom. Cell phone footage from the audience. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I get stoned to listen to this song sometimes and just think about what's all going on.

40:53Wow. And that's for you. Sob. Oh, Frank Ocean. if you can hear me we're ready for new music and if you need a boyfriend Frank Ocean in the room right now Frank Frank Frank you want to put out music you want to put out music I want him to put out music you know what he never entered my kind of my he never pierced the veil of my bubble I am hurt but not surprised and I'll take that and I'll learn I'm sitting my white ass down and I'm listening I'm putting my hair in a messy bun and I'm handling it I'm putting on some Frank Ocean I'm putting my hair in a messy bun I'm putting on my dance goes, I'm putting on my scrubs, and I'm clocking into the music hospital.

41:31Thank you. And I'm putting my gloves on, and I'm ready to learn. I should make you a playlist. Oh, I'll take that. I should make you a playlist. I'll make you a playlist in return. I would love that. You're not going to like what you hear. No, I will. I like that kind of stuff. Well, you know the song that makes me cry? Without fail, every single time, Christmas shoes. Oh, Sarah. That's like designed in a lab to be hurtful. That's like a course. And it works. Yeah. Every single time. Oh, the Christmas shoes. They're for Christmas. They're for Christmas, but she can't. but she can't. Oh, of course.

41:59They're for Christmas, but she can't. Oh yeah, the Christmas shoes. Oh God, I wish she could. Do not cry right now. You have to do four more podcasts today. Who else podcasts are you doing today? Let me see. Bill Maher. Yeah, you love that guy. You guys are like always spotted canoodling. Yeah. I was always catching us at Balthazar, like fucking hitting the vape and going on Club Random. I saw you and Bill sharing a cigar at Via Corotta recently. We did a human centipede on Dimes. Yeah. We were spotted centipeding at Dimes. What was that picture of you sitting on his lap at Corner Store? No, I was sitting on his face at the Plaza Hotel.

42:46So that's what you saw. Yeah, we were in the lobby at the Bowery 69ing. Right. Oh, you must have been talking about the blurry photograph that they thought was footage of Bigfoot, but it was me and Bill Maher. Let me think of a new sex thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try to think of, get a new sex thing for the bit. Gaping? Well. It doesn't work really with the Bigfoot thing. Right, so if someone thought they saw Bigfoot, but it was actually just me getting out of the shower. Oh, yeah, so it was paparazzi footage of... Paparazzi footage. Of the one hotel. Yeah. And it was through the window, a picture of me getting out of the shower.

43:25Yeah. And they thought it was Bigfoot, my hairy ass. Yeah. Okay, I got there. Where was Bill in all this? Just so I'm clear. I haven't seen the images yet. He was sitting in the hotel, cuck chair in a robe, penis out. Penis out, yeah. Waiting for you to get out of the shower. He made you shower first. He said, Sarah, you're a mess. Take a shower before we do our thing. I need a fine podcast, Sarah. I got to wash the stank off you. The fact that you refuse to answer me. God, I want to know what podcast you're doing. I only know one, and I don't even want to talk about that one. That one? And Grace O'Malley?

43:59I know Grace O'Malley. And so she's going to be getting my presence as well. Nice. Do you think I'm a good podcast guest? I really do. I think the world of you. I think that you're an amazing podcast host. You're really good at talking. Thanks, Sarah. It's amazing how good you are at talking. You know, I've been a fan of yours for a very long time. Me as well. Actually, you know this, but I wonder if the listeners know it because this is a part of our lore. It was a very big deal for me when I got booked on your show in Chicago. That was amazing. I remember exactly. Were you talking about footage of you at a concert?

44:29I don't remember. Were you a bouncer? Oh, yes. I brought that up. I was doing PowerPoints at the time. Yes, yes, yes, yes. PowerPoint comedy was such an era. It was such an era. And by the way, people have gotten a little late. Bring the PowerPoints back. I know y 'all don't want to show up 10 minutes before a sound check or whatever. Yeah. to do your PowerPoint, bring those PowerPoints back out. I did one for the first time in years recently. I did like a little show in LA and I was like, I'll just throw a PowerPoint together because I'm like, kind of don't have new material at the moment. No, I have nothing.

44:59But I have some stuff I want to talk about, but it's not structured as like good standup. So I was like, I'll do this like, I'll do like basically a hacky bit. And I didn't have a fucking blast by the way. No, literally. Sometimes it's fun to just have a little fun. But on the way, maybe Carrot Top was onto something when he said, maybe I need a prop or two. Carrot Top was completely onto something. By the way, I saw his show recently, it's fucking amazing. Really? You're like, yeah, that's why you fill out the Luxor. I have everything. Fill out. That's why you fill out a nice pair of pants. That is why the Luxor sold out every single night.

45:26Because this is a fucking show. And there were new jokes. Yeah. That were about pop culture. Hello? Hello? He's doing jokes about train dreams. And the other Oscar contenders. Did you watch train dreams? No, should I? Watch train dreams. Everybody watch train dreams. Oh, shit. I loved it. You should have been saying this before the Oscars, girl. It didn't get enough conversation. I don't care who wins those awards, but it got a little buried in the conversation about the other ones. One battle after another, Sinners. Love them both. Me on the toilet, one battle after another. You what? You didn't love one battle after another?

46:00I said me on the toilet is one battle after another. You see kind of when I got a pep up. Me with Bill Moore in the hotel room is Sinners. You want to talk about Sinners? Talk about what I'm doing with Bill at the one hotel. Marty Supreme? you mean um no let me get there yeah get there marty supreme while you work that out i'm just going to tell the listeners train dreams it's streaming on netflix a company that i love and i want y 'all to check out this movie it's really beautifully shot it's gorgeous william h macy oh oh don't tap me with a good time hello

46:37hello chicago shameless doing like gay mad libs with william h macy like not having like one thing to say but like out loud saying a train of thought hello boogie nights Chicago shameless hey senator you know that song

47:01I have okay you just put out specials wait hold on I want to talk about your special I want to finish saying what I was saying because we got off track I want to get back to the psychic when we were in Chicago we're never getting back to the psychic why don't you believe a little bit I'm getting something we're never getting back to the psychic getting booked on your show was a very big deal for me you were being so hilarious that I remember and it was like 10 years ago I was such a fan of yours then now I know you better and I've learned and I'm really proud of you I'm really happy I'm really really proud of you I'm so glad that you're on SNL and I'm so glad that you have this new special out and now I want you to plug it okay here's the thing you know how and I'm going to take that and I'm just trying to accept it I'm accepting it and it means a lot coming from you and I'm serious about that because you're one of America's funniest.

47:51If America's funniest home videos was there it is and we got it out of earnestness and we got it right into America's home videos. You're like I'm going to accept that compliment so I was screaming out of my ass into the toilet the other day hating my earnest compliment I don't care I'm proud of you I will effing take that but I will say you know how people say the thing where you're probably so sick of hearing this but like you know and the compliment it's like never been sick of hearing it never tired of compliments oh I'm sorry someone said to me recently about the special they were like I didn't want to tell you because I'm sure you get like a hundred texts about this but like oh my god it was so amazing you think I'm getting a hundred texts about this you probably get this all the time I don't I need it I need it bad so even though I shirked off your compliment and kind of ricocheted off my irony shield know that inside, the small child inside of me was savoring it.

48:55And the adult on the outside started playing with the microphone in a way I've never seen someone. And to me, that's beautiful. And I love forcing my comedian friends to sit with earnestness every once in a while. What do you think about this body language? Closed off, closed off. I think it's adorable. And here's what I'm struggling with. We put out ours. Now we have to rebuild from ground zero. Yeah. Tough. Do you know how I'm approaching that? just taking a long time off i taking a long time off see you giving your you giving your and i had a stroke um okay no problem um you giving yourself permission to do that is allowing me also to think about doing that babe you're you're working on a show that puts out new material every single week i think you're not there strangely enough i think if you give yourself some time to rebuild the stand-up that would be more than appropriate so you how are you even going about thinking about rebuilding santa i'm not i don't care oh my god this it'll come when it comes you are it'll come when it comes what are you talking about you're sir you're you're brilliant you know what you're doing you're gonna live a life you're gonna live a life and then it's gonna come to you you get you allow you are such a positivity fountain and you're you're like literally look look at my body language i'm crumpled up i'm white knuckling the microphone i'm in physical pain and you're like hey hey hey listen listen maybe i'll be in kansas city tomorrow maybe i'll be on a bike maybe i'll be there it's all good girl are you stressed about building another hour yes what is this what do you think is the source of the stress just that you won't come up with it i i the sort you know and again the source of the stress i grind my teeth so hard in my waking life and sleeping life and that's how i refer to being awake and asleep my waking life because they're to because i had a crazy dream last night yeah i fell asleep on a park bench in kenya and i woke up with scratches all over my back who did the scratches i don't know and i don't know how i ended up in kenya well sometimes we go to kenya and i looked at a map and i was like where am i i'm like i'm in kenya oh my god not well not me being in kenya no scratches everywhere anything but that i'm covered in scratches in kenya so interesting kenya i'll be looking i'll be looking this up later.

51:11Have you ever been to Kenya? No, but my mind palace now includes Kenya. Yeah. Now I know there's a chamber in my mind dedicated to me being in Kenya and also being scratched, which is fascinating. I know. And I woke up scratched all over. You ever had your dreams analyzed? I go to a dream analyst. Okay. So what did they say about this? Oh, it's going to come up. It's going to come up. Will you get, will you earnestly, maybe someone here with you that's watching. Maybe someone here in the room with us. Maybe someone on the other side of the curtain could remind Sarah to get back to me about what the Kenya scratching dream means i do want to hear what the analyst has to say about okay okay okay yeah but what what is the source of the anxiety about the hour so i'm always like i i like i clench my teeth so hard that i have bone growths in my mouth from pressure yeah so i'm just always stressed and anxious but there's no reason so it's like i shouldn't be stressed about the new hour you shouldn't it's gonna you're gonna you're gonna have another great hour when it's time to have another great hour.

52:09Is this like what you said? You're like, you're like, is this how like your inner monologue is? It's so amazing. The, what did I just say? Like, why are you like this? You just had a good mom. Like, you're just so, it's just great. Well, you had a good mom. I know, but like, what is, you're so, it's so great. I want to be where you are in your mind. I don't know. Don't you feel, I guess, I guess no, but don't, I think that you should feel, I think you have every right to feel. Sure. I am surprised that you don't feel. what I feel is objectively true about you, which is that you have a singular voice.

52:43You're a hard worker. You're nice to people. You are comedically... You're like a comedic genius. I really think the hour will come when it's supposed to come. Until then, we just live life. You just put out an incredible... It's an accomplishment. You should be like, at least for the next year, you should just be proud of the accomplishment of putting out that special while working on SNL. One of the most grueling work schedules in the fucking history of television. I think maybe we just give yourself some time to relax and enjoy life. You guys put me hook me up to an EKG machine. My heart explodes.

53:11We put a blood pressure cuff on me and it explodes. Everything just explodes. All medical equipment that touches you explodes. The doctor explodes. Honey, I was. The nurse, we're going to take your vitals. Explodes. Take me out to dinner first before we make a nurse explode. Something like that. Maybe that's going to be the new I'm making the nurse bust. Maybe that could be kind of the new hour. I was getting my blood taken like last week. She was doing the thing. She chose this time. You can still see the little hole. she was taking my blood and she had beautiful eyes this nurse and you said that and I go do people tell you a lot that you have the most stunning eyes and she goes yeah I said don't be bashful while you're taking my blood diva took four vials by the way and by the way oh she was just enjoying hanging out with me by the way do you ever realize we were like oh it's been ten seconds and four vials of blood came out I started getting really light headed I was like this shit comes out fast and why are you taking so much of it all for an AIDS test please please I don't have it next next by the way imagine her deep COVID mask on and all you had to hang your hat on with those beautiful eyes she was doing well she must have been pulling gorgeous eyes oh my god and by the way do you think anyone has ever said like I'm sure you're tired of hearing this and then she goes no I'm not tired no she loves it she loves it and I asked my this is in this is in the suburbs of Kansas City and not quite rural Missouri but I asked my doctor I was like yeah I'm thinking about getting on prep I just like thinking about getting on prep and he goes I have never heard of that I'm going to step out and do some research and I'll come right back in he stepped out he comes back in he goes we can do that he sat his white ass down and listened he put his hair in a fucking messy bun and handled it and then while I was getting my blood drawn country like 14 year old girl walking her grandma through the doctor's office she goes are you Caleb Heron and I went please I'm a needle in my arm blood pouring out of me are you caleb harren by the way carrying this country on your fucking back needle in arm other hand writing down definition for prep for a doctor teaching basically who by the way who's the doctor who's the patient teaching a doctor who what prep is and what gay guys are also he put also i got my chart notes back and my chart notes said risky homosexual behavior obese and i said check check baby yeah i know that's fucking right check like did he stutter?

55:33Is that Caleb Aaron's chart? Yes it is honey. Risky obese homosexual. Isn't that special? Got a mammogram literally on the chart. What did it say? Small boobs incredibly small and dense. Well small dense boobs like a good biscuit. Small and dense like a good breakfast biscuit. By the way you think I could go near a biscuit with a 10 foot pole girl? By the way you think I can eat a biscuit? Think again. Oh I want. I'll be engaged and married to the toilet if I do that. Okay, your next special is called Small Dense Titties. And mine's called Risky Obese Homosexual. Nina. Nina at HBO. Erin. Nina.

56:11Erin. Give us a call. Erin Nina. Give us a call, girls. What if my next special is just me? Blonde. White t-shirt. No offense. Jeans. And it's just like Sarah presents. Dating is kind of weird. Sarah Sherman presents Sarah on Sarah. Yeah, Sarah on Sarah. Sarah Sherman presents Sarah on Sarah, the dating special. Your next special should be An exploration of normie You should explore normie in your next special I should No clashing patterns No mullet I pass away immediately Wig contour Contour down beat The saranormal activity That's actually kind of interesting I got in so much trouble on Trixie Mattel's channel She had me do her makeup And everyone was so mad at me that I was bad at it Sorry Wait wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, but as if.

57:02I don't know how to do makeup. I'm like, I felt, people were mad at me. They thought I was trying to sabotage tricks myself. No. As if she needs any help sabotaging herself. God, she's talentless and mean. She needs me to come do her makeup badly to tank it. Once you guys learn some things about her, trust me, you'll tune out. It would have been so weird if you did a good job. I fucking did a bad job and everyone was mad at me. And the thing is, I tried. Well, you know when like, when Bobby Flay has that show where he's like, I'm going to come to your fucking hometown and I'm going to do your fucking food better than you.

57:30I'm like, dude. We believe you. We know. You're fucking famous. You're Bobby Flay. You're Bobby Flay. You don't have to come into my town on the day of my daughter's wedding and do my gumbo better than me. It's rude. So imagine you went to Trixie Mattel's house on the day of her daughter's wedding and did her makeup better than her. Everyone would have been mad too. I know. It's crazy. If you Bobby Flayed her ass. They thought I was going to train for it. You think I'm going to train? I'm going to do training classes on makeup to do a mentally ill homosexuals YouTube channel. Well, by the way, did you do problematic face on her?

58:07I will say the foundation was darker than it should have been. Well, there you go. I wasn't trying to do black face, but we got pretty close. And I think that's beautiful. And I didn't mean to upset anyone. I'm just not very good at makeup. Oh, they were so mad that I didn't know how to do the eyebrows. Sorry. How much do you look at how people are mad online? I looked at the Trixie one because I thought people were going to be charmed by me. I went there seeking compliments, and this is how it always starts. I looked at a couple of the comments because I went there seeking compliments. Of course, you went to the hardware store for milk.

58:38I genuinely, most of the time, do not read comments because I don't care what these people have to say. But I found some people were upset with me. Also, sometimes people tag me. You know when Instagram will show you stories you're tagged in? Oh, I see. Are you seeing it? I see everything. I see everything. I'd be seeing that shit. I'd be seeing that shit big time. And they'd be tagging you and being like, ah, Caleb. Oh, people say the craziest things to me. Even my fans. My fans talk crazy to me. Are you getting this? Well, I just get people who want me dead in a ditch six feet under. Is that true?

59:19Well, the this, the story tagging, whatever. You've got to stop watching that. Literally, recently many people have been saying that my special is, they're like, this is like so bad, it's like a Tim Robinson character. Shout out Tim. Shout out Tim. In the chair company, one of the characters is listening to a really bad radio show where the DJ is like, fuck you, fucking bitch. And the joke is that it's bad. And so everyone's like, what is this? at Sarah at Sarah what is this the fucking fucked up radio show from chair company that's the big one people are saying now whoa six mentally ill guys tagging me everyone's saying that everyone's talking about this him and three other losers that won an HBO special and don't have one him and like three other losers was the same guy making three different accounts but that's the big one that it's been coming to me on the this it's like what is this a fucking Tim Robinson character making fun of fucking how fucking bad this is Tim Robinson Tim Robinson character is famously doing really well.

1:00:22People are loving it. So this isn't even really a drag. It's like, what is this? A successful sketch from a guy who's doing pretty well? Yeah. It's like, yeah, okay, I guess. Also, it's like, Tim Robinson doesn't make fun of stand-ups. No. Tim Robinson makes fun of the idea of being a man who's alive. I know. Pretty much. When are you writing the long read about that? Hello. Unpacking Tim Robinson's portrayal of problematic masculinity. Well, and how it's reaching the audience it's supposed to reach, but not in the way. Right. Not in the way. They all don't understand that they're being made fun of.

1:00:51Right. Not in the way. Sarah, I'm so worried about your time. You have a very busy schedule today. We have two more things we have to do. What is so true to you? Didn't prepare. There's something about this show. There's something about this show. No one prepares one. No one prepares one. No, no, no, no, no. That dreams are really important. That is so true. Whoa. Is that a way to say that? That's huge. We love that one. What do you mean by it? Well, it's just like, you know, some people wake up and they said, I had a dream where someone scratched me all over the back. Next. I'm waking up going I need to get to Kenya

1:01:24Is that you crawling into the dream or what is are you preparing to give a colonoscopy to the dream you're fishing she's cracking open the dream kind of excavating like a dinosaur she's excavating the dream I was kind of right you did good act out do a little more yeah cracking it open and then give it get it open for me not is that supposed to be a shovel very small and now you're using a brush to to dust off that yeah let's go let's go i can't speak for the rest of the podcast that'd be actually kind of fun do a podcast where you can't speak can i say the other thing that's so true to me you can and you have to say it right now okay i want to kind of okay we've all been saying like boots and like house down boots let's start saying shoes shoes Oh my God, shoes.

1:02:18Did that video mean a lot to you? Can she come on the podcast? Maybe if we go to lunch. We go to lunch, then she can come on. Sarah, I have a segment for you. You ready? Yeah. Okay, I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said is true or false. And if you get 10 or more correct, Sarah, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Actually? Yes. You ready? Yeah. Excavate. Get your brush out. Brush it off. Brush it off for me. Thank you. All right. You ready? Quickly as you can. The rarest blood type is O positive. True. Oh, fuck. False. It's the most common.

1:02:49Arthur the Aardvark's best friend is a rabbit named Benny. True. False. Buster. Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota. False. True. GoFundMe is older than Kickstarter. True. False. Great Neck South High School's newspaper is called The Southerner. Yes, true. I wrote an article for it. Law & Order SVU is older than Rachel Zegler. True. True. There are zero Chuck E. Cheese's left in New York City. True. False. There are six. Bull sharks can survive in freshwater. True. True. There's no NFL team in Louisiana. True. False. The New Orleans Saints. Northwestern University's mascot is Wilbur the Wildcat.

1:03:26No, that's not true. False. It's Willie the Wildcat. Willie Wonka was a real person. False. False. The real Annabelle doll is a Raggedy Ann doll. False. True. The first laptop went on sale in 1981. True. True. There are three stops on the CTA yellow line. False. True. Joan Rivers was born in Germany. No. False. She was born in Brooklyn. Yeah. How'd she do? Seven. Oh, that's okay. You had like a fucking stank-ass attitude when I got something wrong. You had a stank-ass attitude. You're like, um, false. You got like five wrong in a row and threw me off my game. Talk about my stank-ass attitude. That just scared the fucking shit out of me.

1:04:07Bismarck is the company. Oh, oh, oh.

1:04:12The stank-ass attitude in me sees the stank-ass attitude in you, girl.

1:04:21Wait Wait We should do a musical collab No Okay We can do one of those scary bands that you like Say that Like the guys that soak each other in blood Every time I get on Instagram I see something from you that I never thought I would see in my life It's like you It's like you laying on a stage covered in fake blood With like knives in your stomach And then it's like guys dressed as gargoyles like playing guitar I'm like, oh, Sarah got out of the house. Bless her heart next. No, I watch. Watch and like. I like and subscribe, baby. I'm a fan. Okay, ready? With the speed with which I just had to do that.

1:04:55Okay. You're auditioning for American Idol. What are you singing? Go, go, go, go, go, go. Bridge over trouble with water. How dare you? Bridge over trouble with water. I don't even think that's true. I just heard it recently. You go. Yours now. Go, go, go, go, go, go. Borderline Madonna. Wow. Well, Sarah, it was so much fun to have you on. We love you, girl. Wait, plug your HBO special. Plug your special now. Sarah, I have to really plug it. Guys, go watch Sarah's HBO special. It's out. She's brilliant. Take a picture of the TV while you're watching it. Tag at Sarah Square. You suck, bitch. Yeah, that'd actually be awesome.

1:05:29That could be our first song in the scary band. You suck, bitch. That'd be really fun. That'd be really fun. Sarah, we love you. Thanks for being on. Buzz all over the mic. You got to get out of here. I'm literally worried about your schedule. I'm worried that we're making you late. I'm not. Stop playing with the mic. Stop playing with the mic. Don't do that. Sarah do not jerk off the microphone no Sarah stop it do not make it come I did there she does it okay goodbye