Stavros Halkias Returns Again

23:08If you find a bad bitch at the beach. That's a fair question. That's, come on. Is that part of the natural ecological system? Yeah, it just depends. It's fucked up. You gotta ask. Do I have to, must I fuck the bad bitch on the beach? Yeah, do we have to do it there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do we have to do it there? Yeah. Not a lot of gay guys on Hawaii. I noticed. Why not? The density, it was very spread out. I mean, where I was at, it was very spread out. The closest gay guy oftentimes was 12 miles away. Wow. It's a far distance for a gay guy to be. That's tough, yeah. Yeah, so the island was beautiful.

23:37I had some really good poke. I enjoyed the ocean. Drew's wedding was beautiful. Absolutely stunning ceremony. Everybody was gorgeous. Oh, that's awesome. You know. A Hawaii beach wedding is so sick. Come on. It was gorgeous. So no gay guys, though, huh? There were gay guys. They were just few and far between. I see. They were few and far between. You had to get a little fucking moped and go through the fucking mountains. Yeah, I had to fucking journey. Yeah. I had to build, like, a raft and, like, float to a gay guy. It was crazy. Yeah. It was beautiful there. It really is gorgeous. You understand why Jack Johnson lives down there?

24:05Oh, Jack Johnson's over there. Oh, yeah. I'm not up on where Jack Johnson lives. He's down there making banana pancakes. It's so awesome that that's your like, well, and you know, so beautiful. Even Jack Johnson couldn't resist the siren call. He could have lived anywhere. He could have lived anywhere. No disrespect to Jack Johnson, but it's like you didn't even start with Dave Matthews. No. I don't know where he lives. I don't know where he lives. Does Dave Matthews have Curious George money? Oh, did he write the Curious George? Jack Johnson? I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm not a fucking Jack Johnson historian.

24:39I want to turn the whole world upside down. You're madder. I would like, for the record, you're madder about this than Adele. Yeah. And let's just fucking. I fucking love Jack Johnson. I just went to his concert. It was amazing. Really? What's his big one? What's his big one? His big one. God, it'd be hard to choose. Okay. Banana pancakes. Oh, so banana pancakes. Taylor, where'd all the good people go? I see, I see. I apologize. Sitting wing wishing. This is where you realize we are different types of white people. Of course. You know what I mean? I mean, this is where the Midwest versus East Coast immigrant grew up around.

25:10Jack Johnson was my type of white kid in Missouri's rebellious response to being raised by parrot heads. Oh, that's crazy. Do you know what I mean? It's like I'm different from my parents, kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? But I still got a toe in these waters. Where does he live, Dave Matthews? Dave Matthews lives in Seattle, Washington. That tracks. Not as nice. It's Hawaii adjacent. No, it's not. People who live in Seattle and people who live in Hawaii, there's some overlap. Interesting. But it's fucking rainy. There's no beaches. It's cold. Yeah, but it's not one of the big places, and it's over there, and it's about the outdoors and it's nature people.

25:45I suppose. It's biking and it's sandals. Okay, all right. Sandals, I'll give you. Thank you for sandals. Sandals you can have. I'll give you sandals. You know, Dave, that was like boat shoes white guy. Yeah, there are boat shoes white guy overlap. I didn't want to be that. There's some boat shoes white guy overlap. I think you'd have a really nice time with a Jack Johnson record. Listen, now where I'm not as worried about fitting in and having to hide the type of stuff I like, maybe I'll check out Jack Johnson. I went to his concert. He used to shoot surfing movies. Oh, sick. He used to film surfers in ocean footage.

26:21He played a bunch of it behind him while he played his songs. That's kind of sick. It was sick. I posted on my Instagram story and said, does anybody at this concert have weed? and of course everyone does everyone did but a couple lesbians came over and gave me an edible they said we saw your Instagram story do you want some edibles I said yeah that's the dream yeah I had a hot dog fucking night of my life I'm listening Lake Street Dive opened you know Lake Street Dive I don't alright Lake Street Dive sorry man I don't know what the fuck you want from me Lake Street Dive is good they can sing their guy on the keys they let him every once in a while he'll take center stage and he'll cover You're Still the One by Shania Twain And he fucking rips that song That's a good song Shania I'm in on See here's the thing Honestly what fed a lot of the stuff I liked Was could I also be horny to this Is it art I like and can I get horny Because Shania Twain I was a big fan of The Spice Girls I loved As a little boy Because it was both catchy tunes And I was like Maybe Ginger and Scary would like me Maybe I could be friends Maybe they could be my girlfriends at the same time.

27:27Yeah. Those were my desires. Two Spice Girls. The dream. Dude. Could you imagine anything better than your girlfriends or Ginger Spice and Scary Spice? Yeah, if they were boys. All right. Put yourself in my shoes. Put yourself in my shoes. That's kind of awesome.

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30:37where shopping happens in real time with real people, real conversations, and incredible deals. On Whatnot, you almost never pay full price. They've got so many name brands across makeup, perfume, clothes, handbags, jewelry, and more, all without having to fork over the marked up prices at big retailers. This is the best place to find great deals on products you love for you or a friend or maybe even a family member. They're amazing sellers with great taste going live 24-7. You can comment in real time and they'll give you any and all details you could ever possibly want about the clothes you're looking to buy from sizing to durability concerns these sellers are here to help download whatnot today and get twenty dollars off your first purchase search whatnot w-h-a-t-n-o-t in the app store sign up and start finding the best deals on the products you love with twenty dollars off your first purchase terms apply how did you okay football team i'm in how did you feel like did you feel like confident and cool and tough on the football team were you like i kind of don't belong here no no i felt confident i loved it i was good at being a nose tackle and i also liked being on the football team like i quit my senior year because they got a new coach who like worked too hard yeah and i was like fuck it would have been cool to like do play football my senior year i guess yeah but i just ultimately what i liked was i it was like because it was like so much of my identity too was football was also forbidden for me because my parents were smart and were like you'll get fucking brain damage if you play this barbaric american sport yeah right like they did not grow up with football at all my dad thought it was fucking stupid they the only reason i was allowed to play football was because while i was playing soccer well our i don't know if i told you this our coach gave a child pornography um not in a molesting way and they're like dude we're cool way.

32:20Check this shit out. And like a cool older, pathetic older brother trying to win over you know, anyway, so he got busted and I had eligibility. I think he just got fired, unfortunately. I don't think he went to jail. I think it was more of a like, let's sweep this under the rug. You weren't trying to fuck him, right? Promise? He's like, no. Yeah, you're like, it wasn't a molesting way. I'm like, I think it had to have been. Okay, I don't think it was because hilariously, I knew this guy. this actually there's levels to this story he used to be a deacon at my church and he tried to steal but hold on not getting any further away from greek orthodox church you're allowed to get pussy uh the catholics are the ones that sort of started the no wives rule and you know i'm not i think that was a bad bit of social engineering personally i think we see what it led to but But anyway, this guy got caught.

33:12He tried to do an Ocean's Eleven. And him and a guy robbed the church after like Holy Week when it had the most dollar bills and the tithe shit. And he got arrested. And I also knew that. And I guess I don't know why they didn't do a background check on this guy. So I actually had blackmail on this guy. And so I knew this guy was a criminal. And I knew he would never pass a background check. And so I guess the school just didn't do one. And so when he gave out the porn, then they did a background check. and they just immediately fired him. I love that you're like, I know he didn't want to molest this kid.

33:42He was a thief. He was also a different type of even depraved criminal. Well, he stole from the church. I don't think a guy who stole from the church would fuck a kid. All right. I'm sorry, Caleb. I understand that my logic, when put that way, does not track. But I guess... Yeah, okay. Oh, sure, yeah. I guess you're right. So he stole from the church and fucked kids. Oh, and he would try and get served up by a kid. All right. Come on, dude That's two different types of criminals Yeah, yeah, yeah You don't really hear too many heist molesters No It's one or the other usually Usually you have your one thrill Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Danny Ocean didn't fuck any kids Yeah You know what I mean?

34:22He didn't need to He didn't need to The stealing The stealing was the thrill And he liked, you know, it was Julia Roberts Well, kind of He couldn't decide Yeah, he messed it up with her Yeah Of course Fuck Great movies by the ocean You've seen the ocean's movies Of course Alright You think I haven't seen something Julia Roberts is involved in? That's a good point They put Julia in something they know I'll show up You're in there. Yeah. It's like when you put a block of cheese under a box with a stick holding it up. That's what Julia Roberts in movies is to me. I love that. I see the stick in the box and I go, the stick's going to fall and I'm going to be trapped in the box.

34:51Yeah. I run in there anyway. Yeah, I've seen Hook. I've seen her with the pixie cut. I love the pixie cut. I saw non-binary Julia Roberts. I wouldn't go that far. She looks non-binary in that movie. You think so? Pull up a picture of Julia Roberts in Hook. Yeah, let's pull it up. Pull up Julia Roberts' Dinkerbell Hook performance. You know, I haven't seen it in a while I wonder if her attitude is also She was given FTM boots She was really, oh you know what? FTM boots I take it all the way the fuck back FTM boots Damn, that is actually Maybe the most non-binary Haircut I've ever seen in my life You've gotten a latte from that person It was delicious The ratio of oat milk to freshly ground coffee Was just right That person has given you the best latte of your life, and they're playing kick-ass music.

35:38You know, absolutely, they have some deep cuts. Look on that far left one, Chance. Bring them up. Is this Hollywood star? Like, you know, we talk about the gay agenda. We don't talk about the non-binary agenda. They don't want you to. Was this Hollywood sneaking in, making us horny to the non-binary? Because I remember having a huge crush on Pixie cut Tinkerbell Julia Roberts, but I think maybe it also got mixed up with regular Tinkerbell. Maybe I put some of Tinkerbell's attitude into hot Julia Roberts. It's just an interesting question to pose and ponder. I think she's just a beautiful woman with short hair.

36:14It's probably what you were going through. I'm just saying, I'm asking questions. Is that so fucking much to do? No, what's interesting is, is that so illegal? Is that so illegal to ask questions? Yeah, probably. In 1990, what year was this? Ninety-what? Ninety-two, ninety-three? In that year. That was later than that, wasn't it? Look up hook year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chance. Walk him through it. Walk him through it. Hook year on Google Images. Yeah, make sure it's an image search. Probably not images, I would say. Ninety-one. Ninety-one. Yeah. That film is old. What's interesting is before we had woke, we used to have really, really gay and queer stuff.

36:56Totally. Because no one was even thinking about it. No, I mean, who the fuck taught Republicans about themes? Yeah. You know what I mean? Who the fuck taught them about critical media studies? It's like, they used to love gay shit and not realize it. It's like, Liberace, people thought Liberace was straight. Yeah. The most homophobic guy of all time played Liberace to relax before fucking, you know, having horrific sex with his wife. I think he just likes his songs. Yeah, he just, it's like, why did we have to, why did we teach that, Why did we teach them fucking media, you know? I don't know.

37:28We messed up. We really messed up. Because they were enjoying gay stuff as much as we were. Absolutely. We were all enjoying gay subtext. I also think probably, here's a theory I have too, is that it kind of ties into our closeted secret gay sex theory. Yeah. I think parades used to be so much better in the 30s, 40s, and 50s because of how many closeted gay guys this was their one opportunity to be really creative. It was the church choir. It was the parade. It was the two times a year you got to be like, for God or the country, I'm doing costumes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to do drag for Easter.

38:03It's called patriotism. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, now you can just do drag, so it's like, now everything's gay. I do think, I think parades were awesome in the 50s because of how many closeted guys had to put all their effort. I don't know anything about 50s parades I'm learning. I feel like they were. I mean, I don't either. I just feel like they were. You just have a feeling. I just have a feeling because it was like, you know, everything, there's no other way to really celebrate. This is actually just making me think right now That you and I should have a joint float In the Macy's Day Parade For Stavi's world and so true I would love that And it's just two huge We should make huge hilarious Paper mache usses And have them talking into giant microphones And we're doing a live pod While the float is going We're just like talking It's too fucking cold I want pumpkin pie We're doing fuck marry kill the turkey It's just blasting out from speakers as we go down the street Fuck we kill the turkey I guess I don't know who it is But I think we probably end up killing the pilgrims In the traditional That's the way that you and I would land on stuff You fuck the turkey Which means eat it Right?

39:10I think in this case And then you marry the Native Americans It was an interesting look into your psyche by the way Oh is that connected Oh is that unfortunately Very connected You fucked the turkey, which of course means you have a beautiful meal. Huh. I'm not prepared to do all the math, but I'm certain that the numbers need to be stacked up and have a line underneath them. I know the equation should happen. No, it is fucked up how much I'm like, dude, I just got to have sex. I should have a delicious treat on top of it. You know what I mean? Or, damn, I'd love to have sex right now. I guess I'll settle for a delicious treat.

39:47But either way, the treat's being ingested. The treat's being ingested. We can do that math right now. Are you on treats right now? Yeah. You're doing treats? Unfortunately, I've settled into, I figured out the rhythm to beat GLP-1s. Yeah. I figured it out where it's sort of like, you ever play a stealth video game? Yeah. And you have to break, let's say, Metal Gear Solid. Yeah. And you have to dart across a hallway when the guard has its back turned. Yeah. The sixth day of a GLP-1 shot, the warden turns his back. And you have like A 12 hour window To be like And I'm going nuts Stop I'm going nuts on it Why are you on it?

40:28Because if I wasn't On it this year I would have I would have gotten Back to 350 Really? I fucked my back up Really bad And I haven't been able To exercise And I've been really stressed Yeah And so yeah I've been stress eating I've actually even less I've been having less fun Than usual I wasn't even like Being a little slutty boy As much but yeah, I just like I needed to I knew if left to my own devices this last year, I would have completely food relapsed, and so I'm on it but yeah, I am pushing the drugs to their limit, I am their most respected opponent, they are beating me but it's I say in the special too, every series goes seven games between me and GLP1 it's funny the number of fat people that have come to me hat in hand and like kind of asked me like the Don's permission to get on a GLP-1.

41:18Oh, that's so fucking funny. And I really don't care what people do. The one thing with me and GLP-1s, I don't know if I've said this on the show or not. I've said it a lot in my life. So far is, I don't care what anyone does. Take the GLP-1s. It doesn't matter to me. Don't call it a miracle drug. It's not a miracle. Oh, interesting. It's not a miracle. It has side effects. It is a drug. Miracle drug pisses me off. What are you, seven? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a miracle. Well, I mean, I think every drug is a miracle actually. No. Advil's the miracle drug, bro. It's not a miracle if you can get liver cancer from it.

41:47Can you? The side effects of GLP-1s are like liver cancer, gallstones, and blindness. Shut the fuck up. I'm just telling you. Now this fucking guy knows how to read a scientific study all of a sudden. Mr. Vibes, Mr. Jack Johnson is fucking settling in and reading the fuck. Jack's not on a GLP-1. He's always been very thin. Jack's on island time, brother. My whole point is my life I've taken every drug anyway. Yeah. Have I ever looked at what whippets does to you? Have I ever done the research on salvia or 200 milligrams of weed? It's a great argument. This is my argument about the vaccine, too.

42:22I was like, I don't give a fuck. If someone has drugs, I just do the drugs. If you tell me it might help my life, I do it. That's how I felt about GLP-1s. Oh, have you ever read the studies on Molly? You know what I mean? It's a great argument. It also tracks with the difference between us because I don't do drugs, and I'm like this about everything. Oh, I see. So I think that actually is a really nice point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a really nice point. Are you someone who thinks about what goes into your body or not? Pussy! Pussy! K.I. Yeah. And I am. No, actually, gay guys love putting stuff into their body.

42:56That's true. They love party drugs. I mean, you want to talk about at the forefront of party drugs. Gay guys are doing it. They're innovating in the space constantly. Absolutely. I am very scared of drugs. Interesting. All of them. I'm about to have this tonsillectomy. and I told, the doctor was like, we're going to send you home with Oxy and I was like, I'm not going to take it until I have to. I'm very scared. Have you ever had a pill problem? No, but I grew up in Missouri. Right, right. So it's in there. Trailer living. It's in there and also there was just a series of like five years where like an acquaintance a week died from like pill problems.

43:28No, I mean, that's why I didn't take pills this year because I fucked my back up, broke my arm and I've just been living off edibles. Yeah. But it got to like, I was taking like 200 milligrams at a certain point. 200 milligrams a what day yeah to go to bed it got that bad i'm back to like 70 i'm back to like i've knocked it down to like that's where my tolerance is but i have to get off them at some point yeah will you ever have a little drug experimentation phase of your life do you think well for what reason why do fun for whimsy you're a big whimsy guy i have a lot of whimsy in my life I'm just saying, mushrooms?

44:05No. I doubt it. Why? Why would I? I don't need it. I'm having a good time. You're frolicking, right? Picture me frolicking. You're frolicking. Yeah. You're with a cabal of lesbians. You guys are having a wonderful time. Yeah. Immediately, I'm like, how do we convince them to come out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. True, true. I'm just saying this because I recently had a beautiful weekend upstate with my friend who's non-binary, their wife, and it was all lesbians. And I was like, fuck, this is actually awesome. In fact, we did some naked photographs for the calendar, and it was the most free I've ever felt naked around lesbians.

44:41There was some, because it was like, you're not used to nurturing female energy plus no sexual nervousness being nude. Yeah. And so it was this beautiful thing where I felt taken care of, and I had no self-conscious thoughts about my little ass dick as they were photographing me. You're in a beautiful position where the literal worst thing that could happen is they steal your shirt.

45:06That is worst case. They're never going to say something mean about your body. No, you're right. You don't have to worry about if they want to fuck you. You don't want to fuck them. But that vintage Hawaiian is in trouble. You might be letting go of that Carhartt work in progress work jacket. Do not even think about bringing overalls to it. Yeah, the overalls are going first. Yeah, you might lose that smart watch you brought in. And I don't mean smart like digital. I mean, smart, like handsome. Of course. Of course.

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49:03So anyway, let's say you're frolicking, you're in a meadow. Yeah. A little bit of mushrooms just makes everything you're feeling 10 times better. Yeah. With no side effects. I'm not kidding. I'm not saying do a crazy dose. No, no. I'm saying do this much. And only because you love nature, you love being connected to your friends. I'm not kidding. Good mushroom trips. And that's what I would start there. I'm not telling you to do. You're not a cocaine guy. You're not a pills guy. Actually, I could see that. But you're not. But whatever. Like, you're not. That's not who you are. That's not what you want to be.

49:34Those things could be sinister in your life. But I think there's a couple drugs that could be positive. And that's all I'm saying. I think there's a chance they could be positive. There's also a chance. Like, my fear is that I will mess up my brain. I don't want to mess up my brain. I would say. They're like, oh, open up Pathway. I'm like, I fucked up. To do what? Podcast? Yes. You need your fucking brain. You need to be at the top of your brain to fucking podcast. Stop, if you think I bring my brain to this show. I know, that's what I'm saying. We don't have to use our brains for anything. You think I come in here with a brain?

50:05Interesting, interesting, interesting. Yeah, I'm just saying, you know, a little dabbling might be interesting for you. It totally could be, and I'm not saying it won't happen. I have a history of thinking that I won't do things and then I do them. Immediately. And then pretending like you're that guy the whole time. No, not always. Sometimes. Sometimes I like to change. Sometimes I don't like to change. and try to pretend it wasn't a change. Right. Sometimes I embrace the change and go, isn't it beautiful that I changed? Speaking of pixie cuts, remember Beyonce's pixie cut that she immediately went away from?

50:29No. That was a moment. I never saw Beyonce with a pixie. This is me putting out an olive branch. That's really sweet. I remember a thing that happened that gay guys were talking about. Chance, can you pull up Beyonce pixie cut? It was like she put it on Instagram and people didn't fuck with it and she immediately pretended it didn't happen. Do you remember this? Oh, I can see why she changed. I think she looks fucking gorgeous. She looks incredible. But I can see what people were responding to. They want her to be... They wanted her, yes. Yeah, they wanted her to have the long hair blowing in the wind.

50:55I have always liked short hair. I mean, yeah. It doesn't get said enough. That Beyonce's... Well, I think at this point we just know. I'm wondering if we're still telling her. I think so. Jay-Z, are you telling her? I don't know if Jay-Z is, but somebody else probably. Jay-Z, you better tell her how beautiful she is. She really is so beautiful. And she nailed it by doing interviews for two years and then saying, I'm actually all good. Yeah. Refusing to do interviews now is like, wow. It's the most boss move of all time. Yeah, she really is. Not doing press is the most impressive thing of all time.

51:21God. So anyway, you don't remember that, but what point was I making? Based on the filter, this had to be what, like 2009? I don't fucking remember. 2011? I don't fucking know when she got this critique. Well, anyway, I feel like you would pull a move like this. You would try something new that didn't land, and you'd pretend it never happened. You think so? I think you have that in you. What do you think of me? You have generally positive feelings about me? Hugely positive feelings about you. Insanely positive. I think you're a fraud. I think you're... These are all positives to me. No, I love you.

51:49The fact that you have that in... What I love about you is that you do have immeasurable darkness in you, and you keep it locked away.

51:58That you fight against. I feel that way about your goodness.

52:04And that's why we're so beautiful together. We're like a beautiful yin and yang. No, that actually is so true. Your little dart of goodness is in there, and no matter how much scumbaggery you try to do, I see the little part of you that's just a sweet little boy from Baltimore. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And inside of me, you see a scumbag. Similarly, there's a scumbag waiting to get out. You think so? Absolutely. And by the way, I think you let him out every once in a while. I think you let him out in your most private moments. That's really interesting. No one will ever know. I know, but I know. Some things are just for us, you know?

52:37Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's really interesting, Stav. Thank you. What a beautiful partnership we have. We do. It's the yin and yang. I do want to get back to this idea that there's less tops than bottoms, though, that we started with. That sounds like something you'd want to get back to, yeah. How did that happen? Um... Do you know? Like, that to me... Oh, what? Too many gay guys? I don't know. What? Like, why don't more guys just give it a whirl? I've also felt like, does this happen that you age into being a top? Because a couple of my friends have, like, gone from, like... Me personally, yeah.

53:11Oh, really? Oh, yeah. So maybe this is part of the process. The cocoon. The gay cocoon. Yes, the gay cocoon that you can shake out of. You can shake out of the bottom cocoon. First, there's a straight to gay cocoon. Yeah. And then you get out of there. Then you're a bottom. And then you go to the bottom to top cocoon. And then you fully get your wings. And then, yeah. And by the way, I know for a fact that eventually, after you've bottom to top cocooned, there's a top to verse cocoon. Uh-huh. And you go, actually, I'm free to be whatever I want. What does this even fucking mean? What does it mean?

53:38What do these labels even mean? The strict adherence to these roles. Yeah, why are we recreating being straight? Yeah, exactly. That's essentially what it is. What is it to be a top or a bottom? How about I'm a human being? It's so funny because it's like It's basically one acts like a girl And one acts like a guy I would be extremely careful No, I know But in the worst way But what I'm saying is That's what I don't understand about it No, what you're actually saying is extremely advanced Gay guy criticism of gay guys And coming from you, it's going to hit some people the wrong way But you're right But that's the thing, that's what I'm saying This is the goodness shining through People are having a hard time coming from this mouth.

54:17They want to shoot the messenger. But I don't understand. Truly, that's what I want to understand. It's like, wait, but every thing you're describing just seems to one for one be recreating heterosexual. A huge problem in the gay community is people recreating heterosexual dynamics and then mapping them onto... It's a huge criticism that I think a lot of, especially trans and genderqueer people, make about gay people. It's something they've tried to launch against me online, but they don't know me. Of course. But yeah, it's a huge criticism. They'll get mad at me. You're here to serve. You're here to serve as a smoke grenade.

54:49I'm the sin eater for you. I'll take it all, dude. It's the meme with the fucking army guy and the sleeping child. I'm in the bassinet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're taking arrows and also missiles. A bunch of knives. Just do it to me. And watch Uncle Stav. You know what will really piss me off if you're mad at me? Watching my special on Netflix. Don't watch Uncle Stav on Netflix. Don't do it. He'll love it. He's lying to you guys. It will only power him up. Why are you on? I'm lying. Caleb told me to say that stuff. I think everything gay guys do is right and beautiful. Stop. No. Stop. No, you're right.

55:23It is really interesting. I think top shortage, I don't know where the top shortage comes from. That's really fascinating to me. Lesbians are going through it as well. Really? Lesbians are going through it as well. They got a top shortage over there as well. I mean, that was running through my mind when you were talking about, how am I going to date a guy and we're hitting the buffet? I'm like, that is tough for other reasons. Yeah, exactly. We're both hitting the buffet? I guess it's a lot of, I bet fat for fat relationships, a lot of sucking each other off. That's called side. Oh, really? There's a name for that.

55:49Do you know that? Wait, just sucking you off is a thing? No anal, all oral. There's a name for it now in gay guys. All oral? Side. All oral all the time, baby. 24-7. There's no penetrative intercourse? All oral all the time. These are sides. That's crazy. That, to me, that's like going to a restaurant and only ordering sides. Yeah. I don't want a meal just with macaroni and cheese. Give me a main dish of some whole to fuck. You've never had a meal of all sides and been thrilled? Okay, that's a good point. Once in a while. Yeah. But how many times am I going out for tapas? Not many. Not many, right?

56:20Not many. That's crazy to me that somebody doesn't fuck or get fucked. There's a lot of gay guys getting into side stuff because guess what? Who has the time to not eat all day and then power wash your asshole? That does seem rude. God should create a third hole for gay guys. And he put the prostate in there. Or I guess the second. No, third. Yeah, yeah. Put the prostate in the third hole. Why'd he put the fucking male pleasure center in the nasty place? Well, I think we know. I'm God. I don't do stuff like that. I think we know. He's kind of sending a message. Well, you know what's interesting?

56:55Okay. Stav, hear me out, though. Yeah, go ahead. In youth group. Oh, that was part of it. That was like an actual point. No, but in youth group, they made a big deal about being like, they made a huge deal about because they were so straight and not thinking about gay people, and also they were so denying themselves their own pleasure, our male youth pastors would be like, guys, we're not going to tell you sex doesn't feel good, okay? It does, and it's supposed to. God wants you to feel good. Right. Never accounted for the fact that it feels good to have stuff up there. To put something in your butt.

57:25Yeah. And you know, Road Trip, do you ever see the movie Road Trip? Of course I saw the movie Road Trip. There's a big part of, I tried to find the button in my ass, because Stifler nutted so hard. I gotta be honest, I didn't really care for it But I was a 13 year old I think I put a candle up my ass Trying to do like the Stifler move I don't think it's completely fair to put a candle up your ass When you're 13 and then say you weren't really into it A girl one time put a finger up my ass And I did She was being a little too hasty I think maybe So maybe I'll give it another run But it would have to be like a I think it would have to be a nurse And it would have to be It would have to be like road trip I think I would need like a blonde nurse with her tits out You would need to be a nurse Putting a finger up my ass I think I would have to start that way And then open myself up to it But I don't know that I love the sensation I'm an open nurse if a nurse knows what she's doing She would have to know where the prostate is I would need a professional To like push the button I don't want to be rooting around in there There are plenty of professionals at that that are not nurses That's a good point There's actually a more direct route to what you're asking for Girls?

58:37A professional. Oh, yeah. All right. All right. You think a sex worker wouldn't know how to get your shit off back there? That's a great point. That's a great point. All right. She would dial the fuck in. You know. You know, like in a heist movie when they bring in the person to put the stethoscope on the thing and go... That would be a sex worker dialing in on your prostate. Yeah. Ear to my ass like a seashell. Yeah. The door opens. The floodgates open. Tapping my nuts. It's like...

59:09All right. All right. Maybe I'll check it out. When I sat up, I kicked up all kinds of dander. Did you see that? I didn't. It's got to be coming up on the camera. I missed it. Oh, I want you to have that. I want you to have all kinds of happiness in your life. I see so many beautiful things for you. How about this? Tell me. I'll get somebody to put a finger up my ass if you do mushrooms in a meadow. Oh, I thought you were going to say sleep with girls. No. No, we both have to open up our horizons. Okay. Yeah, you're as scared as that as I am. I think actually this is actually a perfect one for one.

59:36Okay. Because there's something in my case probably. You're worried you're going to unlock something you can't undo. Exactly. Wow. Wow. Stop. You're worried about your brain. I'm worried about my ass.

59:48She finds a polyp. Oh, fuck. Caleb, thank you. You saved my life. Yeah, so I don't know. My gay friend was like, you should be doing butt stuff. and I paid a nurse to get in there and just thank God we found it early because if my gay friend hadn't been so pushy about that, I'd be six feet under in a pine box right now. That's right. That's right. That's beautiful, man. And maybe, you know, maybe. No, but get checked. You should be getting checked. I will. Yeah, I literally. Hey, all jokes aside. Hey, all jokes aside. You got a prostate exam? I'll get to that age. Yeah. Because you're getting up there.

1:00:23I am. Yeah, so I want you to be careful. And I'm not living good. These have been tough years. Well, it's a lot of processed meats. I know that. Oh, yeah. And same here. I want to get one. I asked my primary care doctor if he would refer me for a prostate exam. And he was like, huh, at 31, what do you think for? And I was like, fear and anxiety, and I want to know. And he was like, okay. Interesting. Which was cool of him. And he did it, and you're all clean. I haven't done it yet. I'm scared to get it. Huh. Like I said, I don't want people up there. Sure. Seems like work. I know that you know what it is.

1:00:54This is a big problem. This is a big fat guy answer. Yeah. I think you can't eat for like a day. And I'm trying to find a day when it'd be good for me to not eat. That's annoying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A whole day I can't eat? A whole day is tough. A whole day is tough. You need to drink some shit liquid. You have to drink some shit liquid. You have to shit a bunch. I'm like, when do I have the win-win? Yeah. But I want to do it. Okay. All right. Well, maybe I'll do it too. Next time I'm on, we'll read our... Do you want to be really fun? Yeah. Stop. We've been talking about going on a writer's retreat.

1:01:20Let's go on a retreat Where we Take a little mushrooms Okay Don't eat for a day Drink the shit liquid Drink the shit liquid Get prostate exams Yep And when you're coming out of your prostate exam Maybe they fuck around with you When I'm clean Yeah You're cleaned up When I'm ready to go You're cleaned up Yep We ask one of those nurses Hey Wait We ask a nurse at the hospital You don't think so I think we I think we go back to your sex worker idea Okay And we get a sex worker to dress like a nurse We get a sex worker who's dressed like a nurse Dressed like a nurse And I go You can be there you can't Whatever you want to do.

1:01:50I would like to meet her. Yeah. Maybe we have one of those, like, giving birth, like, curtains. Yeah. And I'm just, you're holding my hand.

1:02:06I'm like, you're doing so good. You're doing so good, buddy. And then afterwards, we go to the fucking local Chinese buffet. And then we fill back up. Meet you and the nurse. I love that. That sounds awesome. She comes to the Chinese buffet. I would love that. For a job well done I think absolutely Yeah I would love to do that Yeah And she can change into street clothes Before the book Yeah she doesn't have to Dress as like a nurse She doesn't have to go as the nurse No In fact I'd prefer It'd be a little What does she dress like When she's off I'd like to see Oh yeah let's just see What her day to day is like Yeah yeah yeah And then we get to know her We made a new friend Yeah You know I love this idea We become really close with her Hopefully Fuck And we all hang out a lot We have her eventually On the podcast She comes on yours mine That's how we have a child We put We put Jizz in like a Russian roulette thing.

1:02:49Yeah. And she picks one. And we don't know whose is who. Yeah. And we probably wouldn't be able to tell facially. We'd find out in like five to seven years of the kid being alive. Yeah. Don't you think around five or seven the kid would make it known if it was yours or mine? See, I think it's the... Possibly, but I think like 50 % of the outcomes we'll never be able to tell. You're telling me that kid's precocious and you don't assume it's mine? You don't think I was precocious? You were precocious? I was very precocious. Really? Yeah. I had to fight many of my precocious desires because I, again, was trying to put myself into...

1:03:24It's the little good inside you that hides. Yeah, it's the little good. You had to hide the little good. I had to hide the little good. I had to pretend I like death metal. I had to pretend, you know. I mean, I didn't have to pretend I liked doing drugs. But starting to do drugs was a little scary. And I had to pretend I wasn't gay to present precocious. That's right. And that was my little deviance. Instead of just gay, is that what you mean? Yeah. Precocious. But is that true? Yeah, gay kids have actually a leg up on being precocious. Yeah. Because basically it's just being gay. Okay.

1:03:53What does precocious mean? Maybe I'm being very offensive. Can we pull it up? I don't think you're being offensive at all. It's like proper. Precocious is like well-behaved. Like within the boundaries. Oh, I thought it meant the opposite. I thought it was like being a little devil. Oh, you thought it was ornery? I thought it was being like kind of ornery and like kind of... Showing mental development skills, maturity much earlier than usual. I was precocious, actually. Yeah, but you were ornery. That's what you thought. Well, I was a little stinker, too. Also, why is it pronounced ornery? Ornery?

1:04:24Is that just where I'm from? I think it's ornery. How about we buy some of this beachfront property? You're making me ornery. Put a Costco up in them hills. Let's make a deal. Let's make a deal. It's worker-owned, you see. We don't need that turtle reservation. We need a Texas roadhouse here. Dude. See? You just ignited me. You just ignited me. The way I was at a Texas Roadhouse one week ago. Hell yeah, dude. Oh my God, that place fucking rocks. See, I'm a Chili's guy in terms of that type of... There's no need to choose. You eventually cocoon from top to verse. To verse, yeah, yeah, yeah. You eventually cocoon from a Chili's guy to a Texas Roadhouse and a Chili's guy.

1:05:06Okay, okay. Well, you become open-hearted. That's being fat versus Chili's and Texas Roadhouse. Yeah. I'll do both. Yeah, do both. When you don't get to go that often, you become the kind of guy who, whichever one I come across. I will say Chili's and Outback Steakhouse were my big ones. Can I tell you something beautiful that happened to me? I told my friends in L.A., meet me at the beach at sunset. I'm going to be swimming. Swim with me. We did that. Love that. Swim for two hours at sunset. I told you about those. Awesome. Got out of the water. We're hungry. Yeah. Guess what? We're a 30-minute drive from the Chili's.

1:05:36I say, everybody dry off and get in the car. We're going to Chili's. We go to Chili's, dude. We take down a triple dipper, some chips and salsa. I go home. I have the craziest heartburn of my life. Of course. It's hard to get to sleep. I'm in pretty much pain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't do shit like that anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I smiled with my heartburn. Absolutely. I did this. That's like an old friend. Chili's heartburn is an old friend. Well, I used to do that every night of the week. Now I do it once a year and I smile while I struggle to sleep. Salute. Yeah, it's beautiful. And that's when I say the drugs come in.

1:06:10You take so many drugs You don't even know You have heartburn You pass out Drugs are getting you Off of heartburn Yeah Oh my back pain I don't feel any of it Because I'm floating Every night Yeah Every night I'm like I guess on 200 milligrams Of weed you would be Well like I said We're down to 70 Yeah Right now That's crazy I took two milligrams At the concert At the Jack Johnson concert And I felt I wouldn't say I felt stoned But I felt nice Yeah I'll get back there Once I'm done with everything I'm gonna go sober again I'm gonna get Into the zone again But, you know, I have a beautiful fall, a beautiful autumn, sober, in sweaters, searching for my wife, you know, doing mushrooms with you, getting stuff up my ass.

1:06:50I have a nice October-November planned right now. I'm so scared because the last time we had a beautiful conversation, we hung out a couple months ago, and we had this beautiful conversation about you settling down. And you said, you know, I really think it's coming up. I think I'm headed that way. I'm kind of done with my messing around ways. And I left that conversation with a smile on my face Saying my boy he's on the straight and narrow And you text me the next morning And you said hey brother bad news That hot waging chick with the big tits Came over last night I'm back And I think I was like I'm back I was like fuck that It's actually awesome to fuck hot girls Yeah that is true And that's why fear is going to happen this fall I'm going to be expecting you to be at a pumpkin patch With a beautiful young woman In like an ankle length skirt and a cardigan Yeah.

1:07:37And then you're going to bring my bottle girls to my dinner or something. I'm going to be so sad. Wow. Someone's being classist. Yes. The bottle girl. The hardworking bottle girl. That's what I want you to take from this. Doesn't deserve love, according to Caleb. Chance, cut everything from floor-length skirt through classism. It's my show, bitch. Chance, cut it all. It stays, Chance. I've been recording this whole time. It's been live streaming, so you can't cut anything. We stand on separate sides of the room and ask Chance to come to one of us. Chance picked Chance Chance He would have a hard time Yeah I get that He wishes he works for you I will tell you one thing Chance wishes he worked for you The luckiest man on earth is Eldis Yeah Eldis lucked into the best job of all time Because his friend got accidentally famous Yeah And so yes I get that I You know You're doing good here But you know Eldis unfortunately has He does have to do more work But he has a better life Yeah I would say Yeah He does I don't know if he has a better life.

1:08:35I don't know if I would go that far. I think so, unfortunately. Chance gets treated pretty well here. He doesn't get hit. Look, do I abuse Eldest verbally? Yes. But again, it's the easiest job. I mean, not the easiest, but he's fine. You and Chance smoke weed with his best friend forever. You and Chance actually wouldn't be a great pair because Chance is extremely sensitive. He's a sweet boy. No, totally. Eldest, to his credit, he's like a pack mule. I know. I've said some stuff to Eldest that I'm like, I can't believe you didn't react to that. Doesn't phase him. And he just... Give him a target, he'll go.

1:09:07He'll go poorly. He won't make any, like, decisions on his own. Don't expect him to... Like, if you told him, like, Hey, Eldest, walk there. And the door was locked. He would just... Like a fucking video game character. Just be like... Something's wrong with the door. Right? You'd have to unlock the door. But, you know, he's got a great... He's got it all set up. No, Eldest, press A three times. God damn it. Press A. No, I get that. I get that. Chance would be happier with you, I think. But he would be in pain as well. Totally. His feelings would get hurt. It's true. I'm pretty good to Chance.

1:09:47No, no, I am pretty ruthless to Eldis. It's true. But I'm only like that because we have that kind of relationship. He's truly my best friend. We've known each other since kindergarten. And the flip side is he can also, it's awesome having him around because there's no way to start acting like a fucking big shot when this guy's known you since you were literally five years old. I actually like being kept honest with my closest friends around me because this shit creeps into you. People treat, when you start acting, they treat you so way better than actors deserve. And it's only because they're so unreliable.

1:10:25Everybody has, someone's assigned to you, and you think like, oh, that's like my, You know, if you're a piece of shit, you're like, well, that's my personal butler. I can get them to do anything I want. Really what it is is they don't trust you to be there when they need you to be there. So some 20-year-old kid's job is to, like, be your handler, essentially. So what it turns out to be, if you're responsible, is kind of annoying. Annoying, yeah, yeah. Like, it's their job to come around and knock on your door. I've told PAs that have worked, like, that are the set PAs in movies where I'm like, I know what you deal with.

1:10:54I love you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do not knock on my door 30 minutes before you need me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I will be ready on time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because that's the thing that drives me crazy. I'm like, when I'm getting the this guy won't show up treatment, I promise you, I'm going to come when you ask. But if you're dumb, you could think that's pampering. Right. Right? There's a lot of things that happen that trick you into thinking you're more important than you are when you start getting a little success. And I like that my dumb friend is responsible for some, like, essentially, Eldis, an idiot, Is in charge of a multi-million dollar Entertainment company Right?

1:11:30That's funny to me He's a CEO Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah He's a CFO And that's how I want my business run I don't want it efficient And I want the CEO to tell me I'm being a fucking idiot Yeah I want when I'm like I'm like Like there was one specific time Where I was like Trying on a shirt for Not this special The last special And I was like Hey, this shirt kind of fits Didn't fit at all I was completely in denial At how much How fucking How hard I had hit the ribs Yeah You know what I mean? Leading up to the special. And I'd pick the shirt out, and I was like, yeah, I could kind of do that. And he was like, yeah, I'm sure you could.

1:12:02And then he, like, starts poking my fat. He starts poking the fat coming between the buns. Taking a marker being like, oh, sure. He sits you on a washing machine. He's giving me the sorority girl hazing treatment, basically, like all my imperfections. I like that my best friend can just be like, shut up. I like that he can talk to me that way. Whereas if I just hired a competent person, it would never happen that way. I've never hired a competent person in my life. It's the best. Yeah.

1:12:32We hired the first competent person who actually was a PA on the movie I worked with, Kyla. I hired her as my assistant. And it actually is crazy to have somebody that's good at her job work for me. I'm like, huh? You did the thing I mentioned offhand but didn't double and triple check with you to do? She's like, yeah, it's my fucking job. I was like, I almost started fucking crying. She really is like hiring one competent person. It's like Eldest looking at her is like the dinosaurs looking at the meteor. He should be fucking scared. He should be fucking scared right now. Oh, shit. Oh, Stav. What else do you want to talk about?

1:13:12What's going on with you? What do you want to know about? What do you need to get off your chest? You know what I was thinking about the other day? Yeah. Was you, how nice it is, how nice it would be to have you back here after I've seen you on all these places you don't belong. Ditto. Same to you. I see you on these fucking late night talk shows and New York Times podcasts and I go, bring my boy home. I need to be here, man. I need to be here pontificating on the top shortage. Get him in the So Trudio talking about his G-spot or whatever. I can't believe they're asking about the Manosphere on the New York Times podcast.

1:13:46I know. It is so sad how fucking bad culture is right now Where it's like I'm a guy they ask about politics It's like why aren't we asking Can you ask me about my art The jokes about busting fast please I crafted these jokes about busting quickly for years And not nary a mention of them And instead they're being like So you know the Rogan sphere It's like jeez Come on man shut the fuck up But there you are doing it I know I know But you know I don't I'm not I'm not a role model Please do not look at me For anything Simply watch the special That's it That's all I ask If we have a message today If we have a message I'm a piece of shit Don't fucking listen to shit But put on the special For an hour Throw on Uncle Stav Throw on Uncle Stav He gets back in points For every view I do yeah yeah Caleb's getting a couple points On the back end He doesn't know this Yeah yeah No I get I just need it to go well But yeah I don't know dude I'm just It's so funny Because it's It is tough because now I have to talk about shit so much, and I have nothing to say.

1:14:52I'm so, like, my brain is so empty. All I want to do is get fucking high, stumble into movie theater, watch them fucking, I watched Camp Miasma, great, had a great time, Slasher, you know what I mean? They're a great filmmaker. How do you say it? Schoenberg? Jane. Jane. So imaginative. I did, like, a classic New York thing where I was like, I have no plan I'm gonna walk Saw that they were showing Camp Miasma I was like great I'm fucking stoned as fuck Get in there Watch it Have a good time That's all And then I went home Immediately I was like fuck That was an interesting ass movie I want to see how this filmmaker got there Immediately watched I saw the TV glow I hadn't seen it yet I love doing shit like that Where there's no plan And you just stumble into a day And then you get dinner With a friend who saw it You talk about the fucking Have ramen Say what you liked What you didn't like And by the way Jane in that film for not a fat person made one of the fattest directorial choices I've ever seen.

1:15:46The KFC. The homage to Dipping Sauce. The Dipping Sauce is incredible and how clearly the character's sexual desires were sublimated through the dipping. Come on. And the way they each ate was the way they fuck. Hannah Einbinder reacting to a platter of KFC. Yeah. I mean, we gotta chill. There's certain stuff I don't want to be in public talking about. Yeah, no worries. It's hot girls talking, getting horny about KFC. that's a tough one for me to be on record about come on you were so on a roll there I thought we were in a safe zone thank god they didn't put bear titties plus KFC in the same scene that's all I gotta say I struggle to think of what might have happened in that theater that would have been really tough for me I would have had to leave the theater immediately instead it was chicken, a bunch of murder and then raw titties they gave me a nice murder break for my dick to get less hard after seeing two beautiful women destroy KFC I mean again And shout out Yeah Jane really created A movie that works For many different types of people On many different horny levels Yeah Beautiful Beautifully done It reached both of our desks That's an accomplishment in cinema It really did Yeah And also But anyway That's the type of shit I want to do I actually I am a completely empty vessel right now I have poured everything Into Uncle Stav The stand up special I actually have nothing to say I have no desires All I want Is to just Have experiences like that Start Start back from the building block Fried chicken, titties, and kind of go from there.

1:17:14Yeah. The two of them. The fucking basics. To me, the food pyramid, to me, fried chicken and titties is the longest one. And then everything. And then vegetables at the very top. Yeah. If you get those every day, and some days you make it to vegetables and water. Right, right. Good. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Water, water's like here. Yeah. Water's like in the second one. But titties, fried chicken, desserts, breakfast cereals, water, vegetables. Not breakfast cereals. Yeah. I love... That's a big treat for me is just crushing breakfast cereal. Like the sweet ones you weren't allowed to have as a little kid.

1:17:48You're going in on those. And sometimes I like to get mixtures going. I'm actually pissed because I've been trying not to do so many... I've gotten to... There's something about my age or my body that if I have sweets after a certain hour, I get heartburn before bed. And so I don't keep sweets in the house anymore. And this is what I'm saying by losing weight being an accident, where it's like, I'm not trying to get thin. I'm just doing things... Your body's attacking you finally. Hello. Your body's taking the matters into its own hands. And saying, hey, we're going to make it impossible for you to enjoy your lifestyle.

1:18:15That's what happened when I fucking lost my tooth. This tooth, like, I could, my body was basically like, all right, man. Because what happened was something called tooth resorption, which is your body starts absorbing the tooth and, like, just eats the tooth. And I think what happened is my body was like, all right, well, he's not going to stop eating. So we're taking shit back. Let's take his teeth. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, and I think your body's doing that with heart burning sweets. It's like, fuck it. Every time you see a Twizzler, fucking shoot up that. Give him the Chili's treatment.

1:18:44Give him the triple dipper treatment every time you see it. There's just a dispatcher going, send pain. He's eyeing a cosmic brownie at 11 p.m. Send pain. They should let us do fat. What's the movie where they have all the elemental? No. Fucking Osmosis Jones? No, no, no. Oh, shit. No, but it is a similar idea. Inside Out? Yeah. We should do Fat Inside Out. We should do Fat Inside Out for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My point was I had a fat friend staying at my house, and she left. And when I got home, there was fucking fat people food in the cabinets again. Awesome. This fat bitch. This fat, ungrateful bitch left Cocoa Pebbles in my cabinets.

1:19:21That fucking, that whore left her trough full. I came home stoned from the bar and saw them, and I was like, no. Oh, my God. If I had seen that, I would have started ascending like the whale at the end. I would have been like, oh. It was like, oh. I'd hear the halo music. I'm like, yes. It was truly like if I was depressed and she left a loaded gun in the cabinet. Just in case. Just in case. I didn't use it, but you could. I was like, you even cocoa pebbles in my cabinet? Awesome. You thought. Here's what I love to do. Cocoa pebble base. Then we need like cocoa pebbles. No, cocoa pebbles, that's the sprinkles basically, right?

1:19:59The base would be like a honey Chex. Sure. You want something with a little, or you could go like a Cheerios variant. Yeah. Right? Like something that feels healthy. Yeah. Right? Apple Cheerios, Cinnamon Life cereal. Just something that has a little bite to it, too. You know? And then you want to go with something that's more, like a little more panache. Yeah. Cocoa, not a Cocoa Pebble, but a Cocoa Puff. The second layer is the puff layer Yeah Cap 'n Crunch with the little marshmallow I mean I don't even have to explain it You fucking get it immediately Yeah you don't have to tell me And then we finish off with a flaky With a fruity pebble With a cocoa pebble Yeah With maybe even like Or you know what sometimes can be a good base Special K with chocolate in it Yeah You know some of that But we end flaky We go puff And then we have a Can I just say that if you're doing the special K with the chocolate That you mix it with Reese's Puffs Yes Would that fucking kill you right away?

1:21:00And then you throw the cocoa fucking pebbles up top. Hello. Are you fucking kidding? That's beautiful, man. Milk, milk, milk. Big. And not the good for you kind without the lactose or any of that shit. Full fat, regular milk from a cow. Oh, my God. This morning. And here's what I like to do. Let it fucking simmer a little bit. What's that? Let it soften a little bit. You're getting it mushy? But here's the thing. Just to the point where it still has bite. You can't let it over mush. Yeah. It's a very specific time frame. It's a big time frame. It's a dance. You have to dance. I fucked up the other day.

1:21:32I was making bacon, and it ended up taking longer than I thought it would, and I had already poured the milk in the cereal. So by the time the bacon finished, the cereal had become mush into mush. Yeah. And it was really, really not good for me. That's brutal. I'd still take the cereal down. I'd still figure it out. Yeah. I did it. It was just a bowl of Special K. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's another thing now. That stinks. I try to make my treats like, I go, it's Special K. You don't have to feel bad about this. Special K is a treat? It doesn't give me heartburn. It was breakfast. It wasn't a treat.

1:22:06It was like the fundamental meal of my day. To me, cereal is a fake. It's not a breakfast food. It's a treat. Well, that's because you're eating fucking Coco Pebbles. No, no. I think big cereal has fucking ruined your mind. At no point - You think big cereal has ruined my mind? Yeah. You don't know shit about my mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I really do. I think you have fallen into the paradigm where they say this shit is healthy. Grains with milk is never healthy. Special K is not too bad for you, I don't think. Get the fuck out of here with Special K. I don't think it's too bad with some turkey bacon.

1:22:34You can't tell me that's not a balanced breakfast. Have toast. I have toast. I have toast with bananas. I have turkey bacon. On this day, I had a little bowl of cereal, and I have some low acid, no pulp orange juice. And ask me why it has to be low acid, Stav. Heartburn. Because of my fucking heartburn. Heartburn. I'm sick. I'm 31 years old. Yeah. And I'm being attacked by heartburn. Yeah. It's disgusting. I would say this. Like I said, your body's giving you signals. Yeah, look, what the universe wants from us and what's probably going to happen is that you and I both become bodacious, thin. We're going to be so sexy.

1:23:05Sexy, chiseled. I do want to get big arms. I don't want to be not fat, but I do want fucking... I can't have you feel my muscles on here. I've done it too many times. That's fine. When the camera's cut... I'll feel them. I'll let you feel my muscles and my legs. Yeah. You can feel my legs anytime you want to. Bro, first of all, who are you talking to? I'm the calf god. I won't even pull them out because you'll get fucking calf dysmorphia, dude. Mine are better than that Fuck no You're out of your fucking mind Mine are better than that You're out of your fucking mind Let the people decide Put your calf up Good fucking luck Dude Good fucking luck Getting one on these guys Slap your shit dude There's no shit about these guys Dude you're fucking out Did you notice when you slapped yours It had a jiggle Mine doesn't move Yeah cause I have fucking Mine's elastic My shit can fucking My shit can fucking adjust To the You know what I mean Mine doesn't need to It's fucking rock solid And let me tell you another thing If Nicole were to charge at me right now If Nicole would come over her table I would grab her by the side of the head And put her to the ground So fucking quick And use my leg to Oh, that's cool To pin down the arm So that there was no punching back Of course I could fight Nicole no problem I agree with that I don't know what that has to do with our calves That you could Assault your employee Yeah It has a lot to do with my calves Your female employee If I eat calves she might charge me and win I see But because of my calves I'm going to get an angle on her Where I could put her to the ground I see I've had this thought where I I don't know that you could, but I'd love to figure that out someday.

1:24:28I can't wait until she finally does attack you. I do think someday she will. That's going to be awesome. I've had this thought ever since fucking my backup. I've understood why people have guns now. Okay. Because now that I've heard, let's say I was in an assault situation, right? Yeah. And I'm not going to get a gun, right? Let me just say that. Okay. But before I fucked my backup, I always had that dumb male idea that it's like, look, I'm not going to fight anybody. But should push come to shove, I could tap into a secret well of alpha energy and fuck anybody up. That I've been building up by being polite to people that are rude to me in public.

1:25:11Every time I haven't gone off on a guy that stepped too close to me on the sidewalk, that was me reserving it. That was me reserving the energy. Every time I couldn't make eye contact with a waitress because she forgot my extra serving of bacon, that was me reserving it. Yeah, I'm saving that for an intruder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I always had that, and I always, you know, I run my mouth too much. I always talk shit. And now I'm realizing, like, oh, because my bag is fucked up, I would just automatically lose every fight. Like, in the past, that was obviously still true, but in my head, I didn't believe it, right?

1:25:41But now that I'm like, I either have to stop talking shit or I need a weapon. That's what I realized Yeah And look I'm not getting a gun But I'll just say Get a gun Yeah I do I mean first of all How cool would like a pearl Like a pearl handle pistol It looks nice In your sock In my sock A little ankle Yeah No no I don't want to fight you I'm just going to surrender I'm just going to surrender Yeah yeah I'm fucking surrendering my ankle Really itches Fuck you You know what I mean Like yeah yeah Something like that It's strapped in too tight Yeah yeah I'm like hold on One second He's just beating the fuck out of me He's just caved my skull in with a trash can while I'm bending over to pick up my gun.

1:26:18No, I gotta stop hanging out with lesbians for real because the point of getting a gun, these lesbians are coming over to my house and at every turn talking to me about the grid going down and us having to like, I just can't. It's like, but they won't, I'm not supposed to get a gun. What's the answer? Either the grid's going down and we're all fucked. I think I want to get a gun. I know you want to get a gun. That's why I'm giving you, I'm telling you, there's never been a better time to be a person with good politics who wants a gun. You're right. A lot of people that used to be like, oh, that's horrible, are now kind of being like, whatever you need to do.

1:26:47Well, I'm scared of obviously having a gun and, you know, killing myself. That's kind of the main worry. Just don't do it. But sometimes it seems like a great idea. Killing yourself? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, the gun is probably, that's a little too violent. I probably would just. That's not how you do it. No. And I know that about you. No, it would have to be theatrical. Yeah? Because I couldn't, if I took drugs, like I know the feeling of taking too many edibles and regretting it. But I would go to a hospital and have them pump my stomach in between. So I couldn't take pills. I would need to like, I don't know, jump or something or like.

1:27:25Yeah, don't do, well you'd have to make it away. It's not going to inconvenience everybody though. No, but you want to make it about you. Yeah. Yeah, maybe I'd be a classic, maybe how about you find out when an enemy has a very important meeting and you jump in front of their train. I think that'd be awesome Or kill yourself in front of your enemy Oh true You did this You know what I mean Jesus This was you And they're fucked Yeah that's not a bad idea Unfortunately Stav You can never kill yourself Because too many people Would be delighted now Yeah Like that's just the thing About being a guy Like there's gonna be Some people that are celebratory You can't have them Dancing on your grave It's more the It's more the like Accident factor Of a gun Like I don't think I'd ever actually kill myself But I think what I would do is be high and be like, oh, what if I fucking kill a...

1:28:12Hey, fuck you. And I would just be shooting my friends as a joke. And then I forget there's one bullet in the chamber. And I'm like, ah, bam. And there goes Labor Day weekend for everybody. Yeah, I see that. You know what I mean? I can see that happening. But, you know, I do like the idea of being of... Maybe as you're abandoning lesbians, I think this is my year of... You pick them up? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, they need a guy like us around. I just don't... I think we're really missing out on. I have been very... I'm jealous culturally of what gay guys and straight girls get. Why don't straight guys and lesbians get a similar dynamic?

1:28:45I think a lot of them do. And I think it's time for me to just jump in there, really. I think you jump in there. And I think, you know, if anything ever happened to you, Stav, I would be destroyed. Thank you, man. You know, I texted you yesterday because you posted that stupid fucking memorial bit. I would say what I posted was genius guerrilla marketing. You posted that stupid guerrilla... Guerrilla marketing. You post that stupid memorial bit and I text you and said, you know, you're too big to be acting like this. Right. And that's where that's where the internalized fat phobia shows. Oh, I thought being you could be healthy, fat as shit.

1:29:14Who said anything about healthy? You'll note I said sexy. You'll note I said sexy. I'm under no delusions about my 2016 to 2017 weight. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. My last year of college, some things occurred that should not have occurred health-wise. Sure, sure, sure. The mix of depression, not walking anywhere, and access to student loans that I had led to some diabolical food choices that I will pay for. You basically made yourself veal for a year. Dude, worse. I didn't even do cool shit like that. I went to a place called Huhot, a Mongolian grill, for every meal that I could convince someone to go.

1:29:58So I will say I at least had the good sense to be like, if you find yourself there alone, it's too far. I would go and have... The Mongolian Grill is like where you pick out the stuff and they grill it up for you. Yeah, and I would do three plates, and the plates are not small. I would do like heaping plates. Go home so miserable, I couldn't do anything for hours. But that feels nice. As someone who has been in that zone, it feels nice finding your restaurant that's going to drive you. You're in an abusive relationship with one meal, basically. Yeah. And it feels good. It feels really good to know how good it's going to hit.

1:30:29Yeah, you're like, fuck. There will be 10 minutes of this day that are incredible. The rest of them will be horrible on either side of it. It will be bad, but those tend to, if we stretch it out, 17 minutes. Because even by plate one and a half, you're already full. You feel bad. You're just still. The worst is when you're. You're chasing the dragon. Yes, when you're in line already mad at yourself. You haven't even gotten the food. You're like, this is going to fucking suck. You're like, this isn't the one. where it's like, that's what I call fat purgatory. Yeah. Where you really want to go to hell, but you can't even find the choice.

1:31:02Yeah. I did this where I was like, I was really fucking high and I just couldn't land on anything and I ended up ordering like fucking $80 of bad Italian food. I was just eating pasta out of fucking plastic containers by myself. $80 worth of it. Yeah. I was like, I didn't know what I wanted so I got all of it. Tough. Yeah, I didn't know what I wanted and I convinced myself I'd save some for lunch tomorrow. So I went ahead and got four entrees. Exactly. And then, if you're lucky, you never have it again. If you're not lucky, you wake up and you legitimately have it, not for lunch, for breakfast.

1:31:34And you just warm up. You put some tagliatelle, some fucking lasagna, the meatballs, you fucking mix it up into a fucked up little casserole. Tastes like shit. You still eat it. And in your head, you're like, well, meatballs have protein. Yeah, it's good. I mean, what's the difference between this and bacon? Nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the difference between is a big fat guy conundrum? What's the difference between this and... Here's the most classic one for me, is when I started, what's the difference in chicken tenders instead of fries? Yeah. Because I was like... I was like, well, listen, they're both fried.

1:32:08Yeah. Right? You have a side of fries or a side of chicken tenders. Yeah. So if I get a burger, what's the difference? What's the difference in... In fact, you might be able to say the chicken breast is healthier. Yeah. It has protein, whereas the potato does not. Yeah. And then, of course, you do that one time, and then the second time you get chicken tenders, burger, and fries. Yeah. Very quickly, you're like, well, then I'll get a small fry. What's the difference is the key question for the fat guy. Yeah. And the answer is there's a huge difference. There's always a gigantic difference. Yeah.

1:32:38Well, you know, wheat bread and French toast, they're both bread. You know what I mean? That's me at Portillo's in Chicago deciding between a chocolate chip cookie and a cake shake. What's the difference? About 2 ,700 calories, my friends Yeah, yeah But the form factor is very important You know what I mean? You're like, what's the difference between this chicken sandwich And, you know, fucking a whole family meal You know what I mean? What's it if there's been one grilled chicken sandwich And, like, you know, a bunch of nuggets And a bucket of fried chicken And a bucket of chicken, yeah It's awesome I think you know what time it is You want to go get some fried chicken after this?

1:33:15Fuck, I wish Dude, I might Actually, maybe I literally might go get fried chicken right now. No, you know it's time for a while. Oh, hell yeah. You still owe me$50, you piece of shit. Where's my money? You owe me my back end on this upcoming special. Cheapskate. You ready? Yeah. All right. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you$50 US. No, you won't. Hey, you don't know that. Because I already fucking got it right last time. You don't know that. I didn't get fucking dick.

1:33:44We do pay. You didn't pay me, motherfucker. We don't pay, but we send a guest pay. Do you accept it? I don't know. Do you accept the guest pay? Don't try and flip this on me. Give me a fucking crisp$50 bill. How about that, you motherfucker? We're running a business. You're like the Democrats who are like, everything's got to be means tested. You got to fucking do, you got to do, you got to fucking, you got to apply for food stamps. How about we just feed the people, Caleb? How about we just give winners$50 and don't make them jump through your fucking hoops? Yeah, okay. You know what you're doing.

1:34:13You've created a bureaucratic nightmare to keep me away from my$50. You know, this is why people talk shit on you behind your back so often

1:34:23Alright, yeah The Wizard of Oz won the Oscar for Best Picture True False Fuck The Arctic Ocean is the smallest ocean True True Randy Orton was discharged from the Marines for going AWOL False True Fuck The modern helicopter was invented in 1949 True False, 1939 Mary Ansonek is the current principal of John Rura Elementary False True She won't return my fucking emails by the way That was the elementary school I went to And I'm trying to do a fucking pro I'm trying to give back and they won't let me It's blood money We don't want your podcasting dollars These are working class kids The atomic number of boron is 4

1:35:09Fuck Hydrogen is 1 false false five yes honda is older than toyota true false the red hot chili peppers released two full albums in 2022 true true white beaked dolphins are the largest dolphin species uh false false it's orcas astoria queens was named after peter francis astor false false it's john jacob astor china Canada has more lakes than any other country. True. False. It's Canada. Morris Chestnut once owned two Hyundai dealerships. I'm going to say true. That is true. The Amazon River flows east to west.

1:35:52Yes. True. False. It's west to east. The U.S. Constitution was signed in 1787. No. False. True. Greece's motto is freedom or death. Yes, that is true. True. How do you do? Seven. Oh, stop. Fuck you. Oh, stop. Those were all... Fuck Chance. He writes... Helicopter 10 years off is bullshit. It's bullshit. Absolute bullshit. He's a bad guy and a villain. I crushed it last time, though. Whatever. Who cares? You did crush it last time. I guess we'll just call it even on the 50 bucks. That's not how that shit works. You were going to give me 100. Nice try. And you know, for a second, I was like, that seems fair.

1:36:28He's a good guy. He's a friend of mine. Hey, that's good. We'll call it even. All right. Let's just get out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get out of it while we can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, stop. All right, tell people where they can find you, how they can support Uncle Stav. Netflix, baby. You know, watch Uncle Stav, please. I worked very hard on it. We have a bunch of other shit. We did a tour documentary, actually. There's seven episodes of this entire tour. It was like over two years long. It kept getting extended because I broke my arm. I did a bunch of shit. So we did a tour doc. So that's there.

1:37:00Watch Tires. Watch Tony. All that good shit, baby. What about a fucking so true What's your so true My so true is live laugh love They were cooking with that Dude Live laugh love is so true Yeah It's true as fuck Say that again It's true I was like Cause think about it Living is awesome Say it yeah Loving Gotta be number one The best Yeah Laughing Gotta be number one When you're with your friends What do you wanna do other than laugh Bust a nut and just experience everything. And by the way, interesting that busting a nut is loving to you. That's a type. That's a type of loving. There's erotic love.

1:37:43There's filial love. There's paternal, maternal love. There's a lot of different options. Platonic love. And think about the opposite of live, laugh, love, by the way. Think about that. Oh my God, die. Death. Die, cry, hate. Die, cry, hate. Fuck that. And we like to make fun of that because it's like it's become a it's wine o 'clock somewhere type of thing. It's a wine mom thing It's making fun of And by the way Crushes eat pray love Crushes Get prayer out of my fucking Fuck pray I'm not praying for shit Fuck pray Fuck that Eat and love alright maybe But eat is part of live Yeah Eat is part of live So it's already in there Under the umbrella of live And to me I'm just like Fuck It's corny as fuck But I'm That's how much I've been Beaten down by Like having to actually work That's how much Achieving my dreams Has negatively affected me Personally Is that I am now saying, you know what?

1:38:35Live, laugh, love is right. Live, laugh, love. Those motherfuckers. Whatever middle-aged woman came up with that, I tip my cap to her. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to laugh. I'm trying to love. Don't look into it because we would probably find with a little bit of research that it was done by Shell Gas Corporation to promote driving to the lake or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Hobby Lobby. It's deeply homophobic probably. Yeah, but it's probably not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? It's probably not because we're not going to look into it. We have the origins of live, laugh, love. Now I want to look into it.

1:39:02The phrase, it comes from a 1904 poem titled Success by Bessie Anderson Stanley. Wow. Shout out to Bessie. And let's not look into her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not look into her. Yeah, Bessie was trying to get slavery reversed in the 1900s. And let's not look into her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because what she said was fucking beautiful. That's beautiful. Live, laugh, love is fucking beautiful. It's awesome. Being alive is a treat. And I love laughing and I love living. I love when you live and love and laugh. I love loving and I love laughing. I fucking love when you live. I love when you laugh. Yeah.

1:39:33I'm trying to live. I'm trying to love. I'm trying to laugh. I'm laughing at your life. I'm laughing at your love. I'm loving your life and your laughter. Exactly. It's kind of perfect. And catch me this fall living, laughing, and loving. That's what I'm saying. I will catch you living, laughing, and loving. Stop. Yeah. That means the world to me that you said that. Thanks, man. I feel that we connect on many things. But sometimes I feel, no, I just don't feel it's very often that we connect on my sort of cornball. Exactly. You know, obsession with sunsets and life. Yes, yes, yes. And I know there was like a gasp.

1:40:03Is this like Caleb's thing? Does he love saying live, laugh, love? Have I missed that? No one expected you to talk like that. No one expected you to talk like that. I was like, am I just copying off of you? But that's why it's so true. I had to plumb the depths of my psyche and say to myself, I have not been doing enough living, loving, or laughing. Yeah. I've been doing too much working, you know what I mean? Content producing and promoting. Yeah. And that sucks dick compared to live, laugh, loving. Live, laugh, love is a beautiful sentiment. I think we reclaim it. But I think what you said here today was completely gorgeous.

1:40:33Thank you, man. And I do want to thank you for saying it. And I could honestly get to a place of crying right now if I wanted to. Because I do think it's that beautiful that you said that. But it was extremely cool for you to say that. Thanks, man. And I send you my love. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. And please check us out next summer at Camp Not Gay Anymore. That's what I want to plug. You know what? Check us out in the Catskills Camp Not Gay Anymore. In the same way that there's always money in the banana stand from Arrested Development, when you and I decide to do the duo tour camp not gay anymore and just fucking clean up.

1:41:06Forget about it. That tour makes a lot of money. Okay, actually. I know. We should cut the cameras. Let's cut the cameras. Because I don't want to go on a full tour next year, but what if we did like four dates together? Four's too small. Let's cut the cameras. Let's cut the cameras.