Taylor Ortega Returns

27:57Taylor. I've never wanted to be. I've never wanted to be. And I'm the best I've ever been in my life. Grow up. You are not a bad boy. I'm at least border... I'm at least type B. At least. Taylor. I am a little bit. You think you're a bad boy? I think I'm struggling every day since birth to be a good boy. You came in full glam to the podcast. That's not a bad boy behavior. You look stunning. You're in a huge hit Netflix show. Thank you. You're in one of the biggest Netflix shows. Well, yeah, because I'm really on top of it. But for a long time, like when I was younger, I'd always be like, how am I in trouble again?

28:24Yeah. What did you get in trouble for the most? What was the biggest trouble of your 20s? Of my 20s? Sorry. Yeah, sorry.

28:34I don't even remember my 20s that good. That's why I started to feel bad. What's the biggest trouble? I know. You were like, there's no way she remembers that far back. Poor girl. What was the biggest trouble of your adult life? Oh, my God. I was always in trouble in Catholic school. I got in trouble for... When was Catholic school? Elementary school. Oh, my God. One time. This is not even the worst one, but one time. So my parents made me try all types of sports and join our activities, and it was not sticking. And they had me do basketball, and it wasn't good. And obviously, I was benched chronically.

29:09And so one day, I guess I got bored, and I was doing my favorite thing, which is checking out the concession stand. And I was checking out the concession stand with this girl who was older than me, cooler than me, terrified of her. and to impress her this was not her idea it was mine to impress her was to uh call 9-1-1 from the pay phone and yeah the cops showed up to the game stopped the whole basketball game um I'm sitting there my parents are there my dad is there and whole like like a gym full of kids and parents and they stop the game and they give this big speech where they're like you know cautioning us on on calling 911 as a prank and they're like an old woman fell in her house and she's still laying there because we thought that there was an emergency here oh my god get over there get i know it's like we're fine you're like still making the speech it seems like you're sort of like feeling yourself to be honest um and i could just feel my dad and he's like so whichever of you did it because they didn't know who back in the day you couldn't trace anything and my i could just feel my dad looking at me and he knew it was me like he knew he goes can we get through one week without an incident can we get through one week and he knew what did you say when you called them i called and i let it ring and i i breathed into the phone like a pervert and then i hung up that's what they gave a speech about like i just don't come down to the school i think if you back then you have to think about what was going on at the time back then if you got a pay phone 911 call from a school you raced over there yeah it was fresh we have let's and i know that they don't i know that i'm borrowing this but never forget never forget never forget you know i think they go we got it we got to race over there there's a basketball game going on and someone could be holding it up yeah um no you know i wish we still had pay phones i think of this all the time we we don't not really there's a couple they rocked you would call your mom collect from the school pay phone and be like i need gym shorts and she'd be like well i work so yeah borrow some oh my god did you guys have a big drama at your school there was always big drama about like sometimes a kid would call their parents and be like can you bring me mcdonald's for lunch and then the parent would do it never and then the school would like throw a fit never that never happened for me these other kids don't get mcdonald's that never happened we had a lot of talks about that they would probably let kids eat mcdonald's at my school also by high school it was sort of like i don't know if there's free periods anymore in schools it seems like probably not um i think once they started putting metal detectors in schools they were like kids don't need the the this free space to to linger in rome but we would have like a study hall or a free period and somewhere halfway through high school and i was really well really trying to be well behaved at that point but i remember i would just leave yeah i would just go get a bagel or something i would just roam about the town we had a class my like junior and senior year where you were only eligible for it if you were a junior or senior it was called leadership I know you were in leadership You had to apply It was like only a couple kids got in It was basically like the student council class Where if you were like on student council You take this class and basically You would like do things around town Like it would be like oh this month we're running Like a canned food drive So like one of the things we do in class is like A lot of times we would end up having to go get in our cars And drive somewhere else in town And then come back to school during the period They let the good kids have a lot of freedom Totally but basically we were totally abusing it because we would like go do the thing really quick and then get Sonic and drag race by the park.

32:35Why not? And so, but then people that live by the park would call the school and be like, the kids are drag racing again. Can you please do something? Oh my God, who's calling? They would narc on us. These fucking loser old Republicans. Middle of the day, get a job. How about that? Okay, we can't drag race by the park. How about we're 17 and we don't know any better? How about you voted for Ronald Reagan and now you're not working? Like what's going on? What do you believe in? Sorry, I was having fucking cheesy tots in an ocean water and drag racing with my friends. And by the way, I'm in the leadership class.

33:00Hello. People look to me My community looks to me already And I'm a minor That was their point though That was their point Is we needed to be good leaders And not be drag racing And we would get in trouble And it was so silly Can't people be both I'm so bored and tired of people Not being allowed to be both God you are a bad boy Can't people be both With so bad boy Can't people be both Can't we be both We're like not letting people Achieve good deeds Or do good things Because we're convincing people They're either good or bad Or like whatever And it's like Let people have a little redemption Let them do a good thing Let them do one good thing They believe in Apple Pay is the simple secure and fast way to pay.

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34:30Redemption is huge. I mean, why not? Why no redemption anymore? We're going to lose all our people. Do you think you're ever going to get canceled? Probably. I hope not. It's my biggest fear, but... Okay. It's my biggest fear. Every day, I'm getting on the news and stuff all week, and I'm going, don't say anything. Yeah. Oh, you're worried you're going to cancel yourself in real time? Well, yeah. Okay, totally. For sure. I thought it would be like an old thing. Oh, who knows? Oh, my God. And who knows? You can't even think about that. You know what I mean? I've been alive for so long yeah you've mentioned that and half the shit I say is so stupid and I don't even mean it so it's like yeah it lingers over my head but then I go I also I'm a really sweet girl you're a totally sweet girl you know what I mean I have good intentions but I'm also dumb as a brick sometimes you're not dumb as a brick you're a totally sweet girl you have the best intentions anything you said on Twitter back in the day I don't care if it surfaces I will always stand by you you're kind of like you're kind of digging around well we actually have oh yeah pull them up we actually have some stuff I can defend it we should start trying to cancel people on this show I think that'd be a fun evolution of the show it should be a game that you play on this show with like the cozy fireplace in the background you should be like defend this defend this why did you wear that costume I thought it'd be funny and I thought it looked sexy yeah that's why and I thought that people would know that I have good intentions defending a problematic costume by being like I thought I looked sexy I thought people would know that I was one of the good ones, obviously, when I did that.

35:59Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a bad boy who's one of the good ones. Yes. Next question. I thought you guys were letting me be too comfortable. What do you think we should do this summer? This was one of the toughest winters in New York in a long time. Multiple blizzards. Multiple blizzards. And I was here in 2016, and it was not like this. This has been really cold. Remember the day that you made me go on the city bike on your birthday? Oh, my God, dude. this was so sickening. It was really bad. I knew it was going to be too bad and I was so shocked that all of you have lived in Chicago and still thought we were getting on the bike.

36:33I would have biked all the way to dinner. Oh, you would have? Yes. Okay, we got on city bikes. It was my birthday weekend. Eight of us were going to a dinner. And I thought they were pranking me. I thought everyone was pranking me. I said, I want to ride city bikes. Yes, it was negative five degrees. Yes, we had gloves and scarves. Everyone was being so childish about it. It's too cold, Caleb. It's too cold. Yes. I forgot that I was with a bunch of girls. and it was a little derogatory because everyone was being very girly about it. They're also really small. Oh, the wind is too much. I was like, oh my gosh, girls.

37:02It was negative four degrees. Yeah, and there was only, yeah, it was so silly. We biked like two blocks. That was the real weather. It was negative four degrees. It was the real weather. We lost a girl within the two blocks. We lost a girl immediately. Within two blocks, we lost a girl. We lost her and then somebody else, we didn't notice because there was somebody else kind of biking with us and we thought it was her. Yeah. So we lost the girl immediately We had to get off the bikes under a bridge Call an Uber We had to park the bikes I had to go find the girl I had to sort of like make all the girls Put their arms inside their coats Against their bodies Under their armpits Put your hands under your armpits It was awesome In the coat I would have gone the whole way to dinner I thought it was exhilarating I love being on a bike I don't I get really scared riding the bike in New York I cry every third time I bike Because of the wind or No because I'm excited and happy I bike over the Brooklyn Bridge That is stunning I'm going to pretty much cry most of the time I do that It's so beautiful to move that quickly And be up that high And we don't appreciate it at all We don't appreciate it I'm never doing that I walked over the Manhattan Bridge the other night After a rainstorm at sunset I listened to 1, 2, 3, 4 By Feist, Feist, how do you say their name?

38:131, 2, 3, 4 That is so funny to imagine you And I cried and I cried and then I listened to Bittersweet Symphony by Rob Thomas that's by The Herve Bittersweet Symphony is by I'm thinking of Street Corner Symphony oh is that a Rob Thomas song? Street Corner Symphony is a Rob Thomas song and I got it wrong and you are going to win that one I'm so sorry it's okay but I did listen to, do you know Street Corner Symphony? I don't really funny, he tried to solve racism with a song and we can't stop doing that we're going to have one song that tries to solve racism in the movie that we do he was like my sisters and my brothers of every different color Down to the corner.

38:51And he was singing it like. Meant it down. Meant it down. And guess what? I listened to that song and I am coming on over. Yes. And I invite everyone to join me as well. Do you think you could fix societal ills if you were given carte blanche? No. Probably not. But I do think that. No, definitely not. Definitely not. I kind of think you could. I know that I could. You know that you could. If I had ultimate power. I guess if not us, then who? That's what I'm saying. If I had ultimate power. Yeah. I'm not even gonna lie to you shit would be a lot better I would need a pretty big committee though of course no one can do anything alone I would need a big committee I have a lot of blind spots so I would need a big committee what are your blind spots who knows I can't see them they're blind fuck they're blind fuck I shudder to think I shudder to think of my blind spots I guess when I get cancelled I'll know is it crazy that I don't think I have any you don't have any I know it all no I do think if I were in power yeah we would get shit fixed quickly you don't consider yourself in power at this moment i'm not in power at this moment oh i'm totally beholden to the mentally ill gay people who listen to this show right i'm constrained by that and we'll cut that we'll bleep that we'll bleep that well we'll bleep that we'll do a little fuzz over my mouth i mean no name them i'm not in power if i were in donald trump's position right as president of the united states oh my gosh i know can you even imagine what i would get done a lot a lot but then it becomes the issue of like uh you would be show you would be kind of showing people that things can be achieved and that's a slippery slope but i have to assume that's why politicians don't do it often is because it's if you show the people that change can be made right and that you don't have to sort of be beholden to the limitations and the bureaucracy that politicians act like Like they're like, I can't.

40:43My hands are tied. My hands are tied. Meanwhile, they tied them for money. And it's kind of like, yeah, I guess if you proved that, that's pretty dangerous. I think there's probably a lot of people who would try to stop you. Day one in office, I would choose five billionaires. Yeah. I would. Public execution. Taylor. Public execution. Sorry. No, I was going to say prison, which is way more progressive. I like that. No, I would take all their assets day one. Day one, five billionaires, take all their assets, seize. Seize. We're looking into those. Redistribute. Elon Musk, brother, you're in trouble if I come to power.

41:17He doesn't need all that money. He doesn't need all that money and he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't. And it's not even about that. It's like. It's about that for me. To me, it's like, obviously, he doesn't. It's ugly as fuck. Obviously, he doesn't need it. He doesn't. He needs like. Like, he needs to figure out his. He needs to figure out a special interest that isn't accumulating wealth. I think you should only be allowed to be a billionaire if you got there by being cool. He didn't do that. Who has? Rihanna. She has a billion dollars. And JC. JC and Rihanna. Good for her. They both got there by being cool.

41:47Wow. Now, do I think it's ethical? Did I say they got there by being ethical? No, they exploited people. I won't be looking into it. I'll be turning a blind eye to Rihanna. Is Taylor Swift a billionaire? Probably. Probably. I would say her too. She got there by being adorkable. She got there by being adorkable, which we don't see enough of anymore, by the way. It's on the downswing right now. we are kind of on the, we're on a cool upswing and on an unaffected upswing. We're on an adorkable downswing. Yeah. It, it will be coming back. It totally has its place, but it's a tough, God bless you. I burped on an it's and it totally worked.

42:22It totally worked.

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45:24I didn't think there was any way that that could be what that was. A burp? What'd you think it was? I don't know, like a growl, like a Christina Aguilera growl. Yeah, I'm gonna start growling on here. No, it was a burp for sure. And I don't really know where it came from. I did eat a pretty big bowl of Cheerios this morning. Oh, you're a cereal guy. Not always. But you have cereal in the house and sometimes you eat it for breakfast. I have cereal in the house and at times when I remember to have milk in the fridge, I have it for breakfast. And it makes me feel a little crazy. Nostalgic. It makes my body feel a little crazy for some reason.

45:57It's sugar in the morning. Honey Nut Cheerios is not that much sugar. Okay, good to know. Sometimes I... Google Honey Nut Cheerios sugar. Google that versus a croissant. How much sugar croissant? I do like a pastry in the morning. I know you do. I know. One serving. Okay. How much sugar one serving Honey Nut Cheerios? Oh, don't be a lot. Nine grams is a lot for a serving. Is that a lot? They're coated in a sheen of sugar, a glaze of sugar. So, nine grams is a lot for a serving, actually. I thought that was healthy. Do a hundred grams. Right. Oh. How is that possible? Huh. Oh, I see. I understand.

46:38I understand. I understand. That's what they say. It's part of a balanced breakfast. Well, what the fuck would the other part be? I think it's like a banana. I hope it's a Chomps meat stick because that's... Oh, you do little... You chop up the Chomps and you put them in the... I do a Honey Nut Cheerio, a Chomps, and an ice latte that's so big you wouldn't believe it. And then I have another one like two hours later. I've been kind of sort of bad on my nutritional balance lately. What's going on? I just only ever want to eat what I want to eat and is exciting to me. And ever since I started eating meat again because I didn't eat meat for the longest time.

47:10So when you're not eating meat, eating vegetables is kind of like, that's what I'm eating, you know? Totally. And once you reintroduce meat, you go, vegetables are struggling. Yeah. To make their way into the conversation. Yeah, for sure. Vegetables keep going. They're like, and I go. And, oh, and I wasn't like, I was having like a lactose intolerance spell. But now I'm back on. And so I'm really into butter. Just like a lot of butter. And people are trying to make me like really worried about my heart health. Totally. It's bad. It's really bad. I'm terrified for your heart health. Really? Do you think it's that bad?

47:42No, I don't. Do you think there's people like eating a lot of butter all the time and it's, they're absolutely fine. There's like a hundred old woman who's like, my secret to making it to this age is eating butter every day. It totally isn't. Can I tell you something else? Yeah. The earth is 300 and something million years old probably. And there's always been butter. And we won't exist someday. Someday humanity won't even exist. So like whether or not you die at like 71 or 85 is like whatever. Can I tell you that you're starting to sound like the guy from Neighbors who bikes in his Speedo? Dude.

48:11He's like, everyone who's ever lived has been dead and is already dead. Let's talk about the HBO series Neighbors. I am fucking obsessed. It's so, so good. It's my biggest fear as a person is having a neighbor dispute. I've had them. And I never to the extent. Like, this show is a beautiful study on the types of people who exist in this world. And they're all nuts. They're all nuts. They're all nuts. And it's two parties that are completely psychotic. Yes. That you're just like, both of you need to shut the fuck up and never be taken seriously again. Ever. And so it starts with the dispute and you're like, we're dealing with two weirdos for sure.

48:47And then the second half of the episode, you find out like both of them have OnlyFans and it's the strangest. One of them is being like catfished by like fake Harry Styles. Like there's so much going on in their lives that the neighbor dispute is almost. There'll also be a point usually in the middle of these episodes where it become, you think you have a grasp on who's right and wrong. Like party number one will be like, I have no idea where this animosity started. and party number two would be like, it's when she pulled a shotgun on me. Yes. And you'd be like, okay, so. Oh my God, every episode at one or both of the parties goes, and I have a gun and I will shoot her.

49:19Yeah, they all have guns and they're all ready to defend their property. It's crazy. But the last episode only focuses on one neighbor against the whole neighborhood. It's usually one-on-one and there's usually a couple per episode. The last episode of the season. He's totally embattled. It needs an enemy. I mean, he is totally, he's against his whole neighborhood. He wants to be nude. they don't want him to be nude and also can I say something a big part of that episode is people being like we have children I am so fucking tired of all of society talk to your kids motherfucker why is everything in society based around these people that don't want to talk to their kids he has no interest in the children at all by the way of the neighborhood he's biking naked at his house he's on a speedo it is so funny that he's in the front yard and then spoiler this is not the biggest spoiler of the episode But he goes, I think I'm going to redo my backyard.

50:09And it's like, yeah, that's what the backyard is for. Do it in the backyard. Some of these people are sort of exhibitionists across the board, but he's not interested in the kids. What I do think is so funny is that he is, he's got to be 70. And he's like, I need to have a child. Yeah. I need to have a child. He's like, I need to have a child on the end of my bloodline thing. He's like, the Schlopsky name could be completely dead if I don't have a child today. Yeah. And I like that. He's direct. He's, you know, he's walking up to women going, I need to have a child soon. Would you have a child with him?

50:43No, he texts too much. Yeah, he does text too much. He texts way too much. And he texts like an old guy. It's so sad. I know. Well, you know, he's old. Totally. But that's why he should be with an old woman because they could text each other. I know. The same off-putting way. I know. But instead he's texting a 20-something year old girl. Yes. Who wants him to buy her filet mignon. Yes. And high heels. Yes. Well. She's fascinating. I love her. I don't even want to say more. I just want people to watch it. Watch Neighbors. You need to watch Neighbors. I'm really not even watching reality TV. And I got to tell you, this has completely changed my life.

51:19Well, this is like a documentary. Basically. Yeah, this is like highbrow. Basically. Well, the people in Montana were really fun for me as well. Were those the first episode of the guy with the fangs? The doomsday prepper, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That they're like out there and they're like, you can't close the gate on my land. My horses need to roam. And then it turns out one of them is like a role-playing TikToker. Yes. That's Monty. They're all online, which you really don't get off the top from all these people. You don't get that they're so online. And it also is really showing you how other people are using the internet and other generations are using the internet.

51:48It's not always the same as ours. Not always the same as ours. But all of them are on OnlyFans. They're all on OnlyFans. They're all on OnlyFans. And they're all on TikTok in a big way. Yes. I deleted TikTok, but now I'm like getting links and I'm curious what people are sending me. yeah but you know what's a real high of course tova you know it's a total high is when you've deleted tiktok off you i haven't had tiktok on my phone in forever when you've deleted it and someone texts you something that you didn't want to watch and you go oof i don't have tiktok but i bet that's funny i bet it's good that's a lot of fun you want to screen record it for me no you can screen record and send if you want and they never care enough to screen no and that's telling isn't it i know it's like it's also kind of sometimes with tiktok because it sucks you in more than any other app someone will be sending me something when they have some time to waste and I go, now you know if I open this.

52:33I'm done. I'm done. I'm cooked. I'm done with whatever I'm doing. Why would you do that to me? Yeah. You don't want me to be productive. You don't want me to get my work done. You don't want me to. Maybe they thought you could just watch one. No, I don't think anyone thinks that about me. Really? No, I have a really short attention span. I view you as extremely powerful. Thank you, but I do have sort of original recipe, like ADHD in a way that is kind of like, I just have to be like alert about certain things and like not, you know, I can't. The other, oh my God, the other morning, yesterday, we were getting prepped.

53:04It's early in the morning. I'm doing all these daytime appearances. I'm shaking out stuff at the hotel room. I pick up like a weed vape falls out. It's gotta be seven in the morning. I pick the weed vape up. I'm cleaning up. I'm texting. I take fat hit. No. I go, no.

53:23Cobb's like, you're gonna be fine. Cobb goes, in two hours when you're on camera, you're going to be totally normal again. But yeah, I'm not, I need to be focused at all times. I want to start going to stuff stoned. I don't go to any work stuff stoned and I think it would make my life better. Toba, your muffs. Sometimes it does. Can I get stoned for tonight? Oh, please. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I think at this point in my life, I'm smoking so much weed consistently that I'm always a little, that the edges are always a little soft. I am stone cold sober at every work event.

53:53And I am telling you, I have friends that go to set on 100. that i can't do i want to get high when i'm filming something on set like as an actor i cannot be high or have like any substance in me at all and that includes the other way like i can't have like an adderall or something and do my job um so that i don't have anything except caffeine but um no i'm like high for other stuff a lot oh you have to get into mal i think it's it's either Miami Vibe. I think it's Miami Vibe. It's this little vape I have and it's for daytime smoking around town. It's a little pink vape. Sorry. I have to get into Miami Vibe, which is a vape.

54:34It's a sativa vape. For daytime smoking around town. Yeah. Is that their tagline or is that something that you're assigning to it? Something I discovered. Cool. Yeah, through market research. I don't like vapes. Me neither and it's really bad for your throat, obviously, and really bad, but I can't be like lighting up a joint in the middle of the day. I know, but we need to be. It's better for us. It's better for us. It's maybe for you, but we are coming at it from two different angles where like your teacher, your teacher's favorite. And I'm, and I'm the student that the teacher talks about when she goes home to her husband.

55:09This is always going to be the problem with our dynamic. I know. Is I'm, yeah, I'm little Miss Princess. You are. You're a bad boy. I know. And I want to be a bad boy and you want to be a little Miss Princess. Isn't that sick? I want to be so bad. I want to be so well behaved. and I want everyone to be happy with me. Isn't that sick? I know. That's why we work. It's our wound. It's our childhood wound. Yeah, that you wanted to be a little Miss Princess and I wanted to be a bad boy. Because I was only ever hoping for the best, you know? And you only ever want to do whatever you want to do. And I do whatever I want to do, but I want to be mysterious about it.

55:38That's the thing is, I thought doing whatever I wanted, I thought that would make me a bad boy. Right. I'm still just a good boy trying to do bad. Well, what you want is to achieve, and so that's hard. I want to be mysterious. I want to be misunderstood. Yeah. I'm sure you're, aren't you like, you're misunderstood. Have you ever been canceled? That's a type of misunderstanding. Honey, I get canceled every week. You get canceled every week. They cancel me every week. Every week. They love me until I say anything. And then they're like, why would he do this? It's hard because it's like, it's like you, you do want your audience to be your community.

56:07Cause like they get what you're saying. But then sometimes you're like, that's right. I'm gay. Well, they're getting mad about. Yeah. I don't really care. I don't care. I really don't care. But they're like, they're like, why is he making jokes about trans people? when it's like, because I'm friends with more of them than you are. Than you've ever met in your life. You spend this much time around. Than you've ever met in your life. Why am I making jokes about lesbians? Spend time with these people. I know. Are you kidding me? I know. You're picking up on the patterns. I'm noticing. I'm a noticer.

56:31If anything, it's like you're giving people good niche reads on the community. I'm in there doing field research, like that fucking lady with the primates. Jane Goodall? Jane Goodall. I was going to say Gloria Steinem, and that's women. That's me with lesbians, et cetera. Yeah, you're the Jane Goodall of lesbians. Well, I mean, you're saying that and I will accept that. Thank you for saying that. You said it. You put it together and you made me say it. You independently brought that up of your own volition. You led me to water. I want to thank you for doing that. You are that. You are that. That means a lot to me.

57:04I'm here to help you. Yeah. What I'm learning as someone who is working and doing publicity for the first time. It's not the first time. This is my first time working with publicists and doing real big promotion for a project. Like, yes, my first time ever. Oh, wow. And I'm learning that nothing actually, like, really has to be real. It's like, what do you, you can decide what, if you want to be a bad boy from here on out. Yeah, we'll just craft the narrative. Why not? I'll call my publicist today. I think diligent people are, like, the best at kind of, like, being, like, sexy or bad or whatever.

57:32Because they're like, I know exactly how to achieve that. I'm calling my publicist. Colin, if they don't share the vision, fire them. I will. On the camera. I'm going to fire my publicist right now if they don't understand. Please.

57:50what do i say just that i want to be a bad boy from now on red how's it going i'm good how are you doing i'm good you're live on the so true podcast my podcast hi i'm what i am you're yeah you're live it's me and taylor ortega hey i had a question for you yes i think i want to be a bad boy from now on i want to i want to shift my image to being like maybe like one of Hollywood's like premiere young bad boys. Do you, do you, do you think that's possible? And how can we do it? Definitely possible. We got to start with wardrobe first. Oh, goodbye. I'll talk. Wait, what? Why did you, why did you say that?

58:32What do you mean? What would you, what would you put? What kind of wardrobe? Like leather jacket, like, you know, those tired loads that you've been up all night. Like, you know, just the absolute, like, you just didn't do hell. You gotta go to Los Angeles, too. You can't go to New York that far. Oh, come on, really? I know. Why? Because that's where that exists. You're too fucking cool in New York. Like, you're too cool. You can't do that. You can't pull an image change like that in New York. You have to go to Los Angeles. what so obviously you're saying wardrobe is first and foremost what is like the first like press stop we should do i think no it can't be a press stop and you could tell me um right you can tell me if i'm wrong and if you advise against this but i don't think it should be press stop even if it's orchestrated i think it needs to be like you're on skid row and you're trying to low-key acquire um contraband okay and p and and you're sort of hoping not to be photographed and in fact you should look like shit and people should photograph you.

59:37And then we've thrown, and it can't be back grid. It has to be like, you know, and then we, and then those, those come out and you pretend to be destroyed by it. What do you think of that? 100 % Okay. Okay. We create that photo of Brittany, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Oh, I would love to be a part of that. Oh, right. So I think we have to come up with that triceptive who you're in the car with where you are just. You guys could, I would let you guys blur my vagina for that. I know. And then, obviously, I need to release a statement asking for your privacy during this difficult time. Rehab?

1:00:14Do I go to rehab? Personal matters. We call it personal matters. Oh, but it's rehab. You're going to personal matters. I'm going to a rehab called personal matters. Okay. Thank you, Rhett. This was illuminating, as always. Your check is in the mail. Bye-bye. Thank you. Did you hear you said congrats on your show? Oh, thank you. Always working. Wow. I think you guys are totally right. I need to go to Skid Row. I know. I need to be like that video of Justin Bieber. Do you remember that? I do. I talk about it too much. When he was in like an alleyway of Hollywood. He was like, my car broke down, man.

1:00:46Yeah, I know. And it's like, come on, man. It's like, I'm sorry and it's not comfortable, but you have to do something like that. And you kind of have to be down to do it. I worry that it seems like I'm trivializing addiction issues on this episode. But I'm not. Just because I want to go to rehab to create an image. Who said you have to go buy heroin? you could buy a gun like a stolen gun or an unregistered gun. And no one ever got mad at anyone for trivializing that. I think my bad boy turn would be really complicated if my thing was guns. I think people are - Oh my God. Okay, everyone on Neighbors has one.

1:01:18I didn't say you have to shoot anybody. I think people are going to be more receptive to me maybe having like a substance issue than maybe that I'm like buying black market guns. The thing is everyone has a problem with everything and they're all right. Yeah. And that's good. and we should stay vigilant. Yeah. I mean. Do you know what, Taylor? What? We could dovetail at the exact moment that we're turning my public image towards bad boy. Right. We could bring you in and turn your image towards Little Miss Princess. Think? Okay. You're the good girl that's like, you're the good girl that goes on the news after.

1:01:49So I get caught by. I'm really worried about you. I'm like. Sawed off shotguns in LA. Yeah. That are illegal. Yeah. And then you go on the news. What happened? I'll have Rhett set it all up. And you should steal. I'll steal the gun no I mean you should just steal around like you should be just stealing okay I'll have the gun that I've purchased yeah like you can have it on you when you're stealing but I also think because you're like you know prominent that no one's also gonna stop no one's gonna think you're stealing so then you can just also be walking around stores taking stuff and then what we'll do is we'll set it up to where the news comes to you to comment like hey Caleb Herons your friend Caleb Herons you're pregnant and you're wearing like a very sensible cardigan that's like open enough to show the belly.

1:02:30Yes, and the pregnancy is kind of maybe also my turning point. Like the pregnancy for me is like, I got to get serious. And your hair is like feathered, not slicked back. It's feathered? It's like feathered. Okay. It's like, do you know what I mean? Or it's like curled or something, but it can't be slicked back. Okay. And you can't be wearing those glasses. They're too cool. You can't be wearing any glasses at all. And your lip has to be understated and simple and elegant with pearls because what you're going to say is while you're like holding, you know the way that pregnant women do this? Yeah, I'll hold it.

1:02:59You're going to be doing that on the news. And you're going to go, you know, Caleb is, he's a complicated guy and he's going to get help. He's dealing with personal matters right now. Rehab. Personal matters, yes. If everyone could just give him like some space and time, I think we really need to understand like what he's going through. And you'll come through as like the sensible friend who wants me to get help. Or people will be like, oh, she's an apologist. No. Okay. No, you're going to get little Miss Princess treatment. They're going to go, wow, she's so good. I deserve it. she's so teacher's pet i deserve it by now yeah i've been trying i've been yeah this will be thing and thank you for doing that for me and the whole time by the way your new netflix show number one on netflix the whole time from your lips bigger than everything from your beautiful soft lips to god's ears bigger than everything your show oh i hope i get pregnant right away you think dan would be mad at me if i got pregnant right away uh no okay no i think he this is this is what would happen this is what would happen okay you be you okay and you be dan I'll be Dan and you tell me that you're pregnant Oh my god I'm so excited for season two I have some more big news for you Okay I'm pregnant Wow Wow He'd be like Absolutely Absolutely Absolutely panic in his eyes Totally you have to Okay Wow.

1:04:29Okay. Thank you for telling me. Yeah. It's Caleb's. Heron? Yeah. Okay. Wow. We conceived naturally because I wanted to be born of love. He was inside of you. Yeah. Caleb was. Our mutual. Our moot. Our moot. Okay. I'm going to call Netflix. Why? Taylor, they have to hang on to the baby while we film season two. They're going to hang on. They have to hang on to the baby. Jessup, what did you name it? Jebediah. Jebediah. They're going to hang on to Jebediah. I want him on set. They. I want them on set. I want them on set. What the fuck? Lori gets to bring her dog. Lori has that dog everywhere, doesn't she?

1:05:14I know. I love Connie. I just saw Death of a Salesman on Broadway. Yes. Dogs walking across the stage. No, don't she? Two seconds after the show ends, Lori in like a stocking cap, a coat, sweatpants dog. She's fast. She's fast. She's fast. She's fast. Connie's ready to go too. Connie's very like, yes. Laurie Metcalf legend. Unreal. I can't believe it. I know. You're in a show with Laurie Metcalf. I know. It's really crazy. And she gets to bring her dog. It's really nuts. That's crazy. And she plays your lover as well. She plays my lover. We kiss a lot. Kidding. Guys, don't get horny. Don't get horny.

1:05:45We don't. Tell me about the show. Yeah, it's Dan and I and I. Levy, Schitt's Creek? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We are mutual. And I, We play siblings. Dan's character is a well-to-do reverend, which I kept forgetting when we would film. And then there would be scenes where he'd show up in the full gown. And I'd go, oh my god, that's right. Or I'd almost be like, why are you in that? And I'd forget. I'd go, stop, you're looking handsome, but that's a little much. No, and he plays a reverend, and I am his sort of aimless, kind of bad girl sibling, to be honest. and I get us into a little hot water and we spend this series sort of trying to work off while also digging ourselves deeper into our debt with organized criminals.

1:06:30And Lori Metcalf plays our mom. She's running for mayor. She's amazing in this show. And like the way Dan writes for these people is like so much of the show is so quick and it's like us going back and forth and screaming over each other. But then when Lori's on camera, she's working her way around the whole set, a straight monologue. almost like in so many scenes like she's just one after the other after the other and it's a scene where you're just like you're tracking her boom boom boom it's incredible he really knows he really knows who he's got you know it's sick i'm excited i'm really excited i'm so excited in this uh this the show will be out by the time your episode comes out okay yes so people can go watch it on netflix on netflix.com the website i love that website i love that website i love that website and i'm so excited for your show to be on it and i'm so proud of you thank you i'm proud of you too thanks buddy uh what's so true to you right now what's so true to me is i'm getting a little fatigued with the hyper vigilance over uh you know women's celebrity behavior i think it's there's really been an uptick this month and i just kind of feel like if i have to hear about chapel ron being rude one more time it's sort of like until until we see until one of you digs up chapel runs dead name in the epstein files i'm not i can't hear it i won't i don't want to hear about it till the end of the quarter yeah i don't want to hear about it till the end of the quarter everyone's like our president is sort of waking up every morning with a full dipey being like i'm going to level iran to the ground and everyone's like we have to get amanda batula behind bars and i go you guys are diligent you're on there all day you are in the comments you are getting you are getting you know um what's it called like sponsorship like paid at whatever like uh partnerships were ever taken away from these celebrities it's like let's get that energy you guys could you guys could end this conflict today now now get out there you the hate you have in your hearts and the sense of justice could be so so positively weaponized and it also is like boring and fake yeah like it just like the outrage is kind of boring and fake um fake and gay fake and gay and by the way it's like they're they're such different situations like i obviously can't wait to watch summer house and how this plays out and i hope everything works out for sierra and she gets everything and i i honestly hope like they put her they put her in an oscar-winning movie and she completely transitions out of reality tv i think it's time but at the same time it's sort of like there being intense real world consequences for things like chapel room security guard scaring an 11 year old is sort of like also that's funny that's the other thing we don't laugh anymore people are so serious they're like oh my god to send a security guard to the child it's like Shut the fuck up.

1:09:09Back in the 90s, you know what would happen? Women aren't allowed to be divas anymore. Back in the 90s. Also, she didn't do it. You would walk into a hotel that you have a reservation at. Naomi Campbell would cross in front of you. She'd grab you by the neck. She'd lift you. She'd throw you across the room. And you'd go, thank you. That's what would happen. That's what it used to be like to be a woman. Oh, my God. But not anymore. Not anymore. She didn't do it either. And also, this is part of my whole thing with this. the fucking like outrage about kids lately i'm like you guys have none of this energy where is this revolutionary energy for the fucking pedophiles when i found out that that like i don't even want to guess percentages but what percentage of powerful people in this world are straight up a cabal of confident pedophiles enjoying their lives and not taking one second to question their behavior yeah i go why are we giving like random reality stars like a triple anxiety disorder it's like we like what are we doing this is so crazy and then these people that are should it should be forming fucking like armies to do something about this instead they're like why is sam smith wearing a boostie it's like i missed that one i completely missed that one up it was like there's satanic themes it's like do you know i ordered a 32 ounce ribeye at dinner last night not just for me everyone relax okay i'm not for the table for la tab yeah it was just me oh i had dinner with my ex last night and you said i'm gonna i said we need a 32 ounce ribeye you panic i said the ribeye the ribeye the ribeye you kissed the waiter's hand and then i let him take it home 32 ounce ribeye i should have taken that home what sides uh top bottom it doesn't matter top bottom whenever did you get sides for the steak did you get a mashed potato you sick god I can't even make gay jokes.

1:10:59That was a pretty good gay joke if you're really involved. I remember when side dropped a couple years ago and gay guys just started saying it on Grindr. And what is that? That is just. Side is where you pretty much only want to do oral stuff. It's basically like it's a new version of gay guy where cleaning out your butt is too much. Oh, you have to do that every time? Clean out? Before? Before anal sex? Yeah. Ideally. Right. Not after. Both. Both. That is a lot of work. Oh, John, I know it. Those guys are going through it. That's a lot. Bottoms do more for this country than most of our politicians, and they don't get enough credit.

1:11:35I know. I'm here to tell you. I won't have any bottom slander. Those young men, the stuff they go through for our community, bottoms are the bedrock of this nation. They are. And I want to shout them out. By name, go ahead. Bottoms. I want to say, if you have ever bottoms, and God help you if you're bottoming regularly, If you're bottoming right now. You might be bottoming right now. You might be bottoming right now. Turn it up. Turn this up. This is for you. Turn up the So True podcast because this is an anthem for the bottoms. Yes. You clean that thing out. You scoop it, right? You scoop, right?

1:12:11I'm sorry, right? You fucking do your thing, brother, because you are keeping this country together. Lesbians are kind of doing the opposite. We're told to just leave it alone, never scoop anything out. Really? Yeah, they go, actually, don't even clean it too closely. The other day I saw a video where a girl goes, don't even put soap on the soft part. Soft part? Like where it changes to the skin. Is there a hard part? There's like a more normal skin part. And then your inside, obviously where you get to the inside part, like it is a little softer. It's like the inside of her lip or something. Yeah.

1:12:41I mean, I've been in a couple of those. Congratulations. It was cool. It was cool. You liked it? It was cool. It was actually cool. I said once on this podcast that it really made me sick. But I think mostly that's just because I was figuring myself out. For sure. I'm trying to think if there's a person's body part that makes me sick I don't think I like fingers, people's hands, don't touch my face I think that's the nastiest part of a person Do you know what I don't like? When I'm when I'm if someone's on top of me, maybe we're having sex already maybe we're not, but I go to put my hand on their face maybe to be kind of sweet or to bring them in for a kiss and they go to try and suck on the finger.

1:13:21You ever have that? Oh, I think I would like that. I don't love that. You don't want your finger sucked. I don't want, I certainly don't want their finger in my mouth. And I certainly am not like, like if someone sucks my finger, I'm not like, ooh. Oh, I kind of am. I'm like, what are you doing with that? But maybe they're not doing a good job. You need them to really like get like suction on. I also don't have a penis. I think that's worse. You don't have a penis. I don't. And now I'm realizing that is what it is. What could compare? Yeah. To getting your dick sucked. Like, yeah. Not much. Not much.

1:13:49It's pretty awesome. I know. But that's probably like being eaten out. know it's just too different it's just too different like i i just think it's too different i've long wanted to i think like a thing that like a lot of lesbians share is when you find when you start having gay sex and you find out what for so because so for us like it's we like that vagina and it's exciting and good lesbians yeah yeah totally and it's like the inside the outside like like love it can't get enough loving the whole thing yeah and when you are a gay woman lesbian they them and you find out what it's like in there there is a period of mourning rage grief almost for that men have like penises and get to experience that sensation with a penis sorry like if i could make my clit huge like huge like like tubular and huge the rage is that it's hidden on the inside.

1:14:45It's hidden on the inside. I can't fully get all the way, all the way in there. Yeah. You're rageful because you can't be so inside of the vagina. So inside of it. And it's like I can with other, like I could get a hand in there, but I would like it if my hand was feeling the sensation that a penis could feel in there. Oh God. I understand what you mean. You know what I mean? Like you can put your hand in there and fuck around with stuff. And it's gorgeous. It feels really, it feels like a silky car wash. Yeah. Or like a beautiful glove. A beautiful, a beautiful glove like when you're doing like a Vaseline glove.

1:15:15Yeah. But I would then you go, I bet that feels amazing. To have your dick in there. Yes. I bet it feels, I bet nothing feels like that. It is. It is. Yeah. It is great. It is great to have a dick. You know. Yeah. No shade to anyone who does or doesn't have a dick. Yeah. I totally understand what you mean. Putting a hand in there, totally not the same as putting a dick in there. I'm happy to do it. Chance is going to be livid about this conversation. Why? He always wants to talk about this? Chance, no. Chances is like anytime we talk about too much sex stuff he's like we have to cut it google youtube will hate this okay however he talks actually just like bleep all the parts he's not here today so i get to i know i texted him i feel bad i'm downstairs i'm downstairs bitch come get me i was gonna call him bitch and i go i can't no i can't ever since our scandal i can't yeah no i totally wish you had a penis as well and what i want to tell you is what you have instead your body is perfect and beautiful and you know what in some ways penises are an inconvenience yeah did you notice on that episode of neighbors that like a lot of the guys at the nudist colony were like so hung of course i noticed yeah of course that's not a thing i usually notice but i'm not gonna notice that i wondered if it was like a male thing of like i have to have my big dong out the world has to know totally if i had a huge dick you'd never hear the end of it if if i It's, you know, average.

1:16:35That's what people like the most. Actually, I don't know about gay guys, but I know that I think women like. We need to put more respect on the average to small dick community. For sure. Because hung guys are evil. They're hurting people. That's a tool of oppression that they're using on you, by the way. You think it's giving them like crazy ego problems? No, I just think it's hurtful. I don't, if you. Oh, like physically? Yeah. Don't bring a hung dick around me. What am I going to do with it? I'm not putting it in my mouth. Well, obviously me either. You don't, you won't put it in there? You're going to put it in there.

1:17:00I'll put anybody's. I don't know what to tell you. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I don't know what to tell you. What happened to us? We got really locked in there for a second. I don't know. We have really good chem. We have really good sexual palpable chemistry. We really do. I know. Do you know what? I'm going to say something crazy right now. Because I'm crazy right now. Yes. Because you know who this is going to hurt the most is Holmes. Okay. Okay. What's crazy is it'll obviously never happen. Your and I's relationship is set up in a different way. I know. I think we both know we would have crazy sex.

1:17:28We would have. I know. But Holmes also doesn't want it as bad, like, to be honest. You know what I mean? Like, I think I. For us to have sex? No, like, for y 'all to have sex, I feel like we would probably. But then also I wonder, is it like a, is that our, like, pheromones almost being like we actually have genetic compatibility even? Like that, because you know what I mean? Like, if we did try to have a baby, would it only take one round? Yeah. You know? Even if we did IUI. Oh, we would have a baby instantly. I think our, what if our bodies are really suited for each other?

1:18:05I think Cobb might be a little hurt too by this conversation. I'll fuck Cobb too. I think maybe, yeah, I know. I'll fuck Holmes and Cobb as well. Yeah. Let's do a, let's do a, let's do sex day. First of all, don't even, don't even dangle that carrot. Cause Holmes will make us all follow through with sex day. Yeah, that's true. Their greatest joy would be all of their friends coming together to have sex with each other. That would be special. that would be special that would be really special I think if things ever get really splintered and we're all working too much and no one's really able to hang anymore because of the grind we should plan something like that that's never going to be me yeah you have a healthy relationship with the grind with the grind?

1:18:47yeah you do maybe you're a well-boundaried person I think so Aquarius hello do you want to play a game? yeah I have 15 statements for you and you have to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. Taylor, you know what? You've done it. If you win, you get 10 or more correct. We're going to give you 50 US dollars. Really? Yes. I'll take it. Yeah. You'll get paid regardless. Ready? The Great Wall of China is visible from space with the naked eye. Yeah. False. Bananas or berries? No. True.

1:19:23The shortest war in history lasted 38 minutes. Yeah. True. Venus is the hottest planet in the solar system. Like sexy or temperature? Temperature. No. True. Kelsey Theater at Mercer is in Trenton, New Jersey. Yes. False. It's in West Windsor. I went to camp there. Wombat feces are cube shaped. Yes. True. The Statue of Liberty was a gift from Spain to the US. False. France. False. France. The boiling point of water is higher at higher altitudes. Yeah. False. It's lower. A group of rhinos is called a crash. Sure. True. Are they seen that? Crash. Crash. Hightown high school colors are purple and white wrong false blue and white earth's moon is larger than pluto yeah true the largest bone in the human body is the femur yeah true barry sanders wore number 20 for the detroit lions okay yes true hey bernie sanders was born in 1945 yeah true false 1941 diana ross is from cranberry new jersey false she's from detroit okay how taylor do i think i would have heard of that nine okay pretty good pretty good not bad close but no cigar i know that's me i'll never be fully perfect no matter how hard i try i'll be close my whole life you are fully perfect just as you are right now thank you but you mean that in the way of like our flaws make us who we are kind of thing totally i'm not interested in that completely you want no flaws i want no flaws it's not all it's cracked up to be i'm not gonna let myself enjoy life until i get there having no flaws seems like a lot of fun until you have none you feel completely beholden to it.

1:20:54I have zero flaws and it makes me sick. It makes me sick every day. You seem to be having like a pretty all right time. In life? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess you're right. You seem like you're kind of rocking it and making the most of it. I'm freaking it. You're freaking it. I've been saying that nonstop. In terms of being alive, I'm freaking it. You're freaking it. You are kind of freaking it. Do you feel that you're freaking it? I mean, if this isn't freaking it. I don't know what it is. At least this week, I'm freaking it. You're freaking it this week? I'm freaking it this week. Are you going to take a big nap after all this?

1:21:21I hope you get some sleep this weekend. Thank you. I took a big nap yesterday. Yeah. But I also have really bad FOMO. Like everyone's in town for the premiere. I want to hang with everyone. Seeing like our crew at the premiere, but then kind of working and not being able to get black out with them was really, really hard for me. And I feel like they think I'm, I'm worried that they think our whole crew is gay by the way. So that lends some info to this, but it's like, I think they feel like I have like no commitment to blacking out. And it's like, I actually do. And I would, nothing would make me happier, you know, but I am so tired.

1:21:53They think you're not committed to blacking out. They think I'm not committed to blacking out. And I go, I literally am. That's all I want. Do you want to black out tonight? No, I got to be up early tomorrow. See, that's a fucking problem. But they're kind of, I kind of feel like some crew members are able to sort of like do, like they were kind of like, so what? You have to go somewhere in the morning. And I go, oh my God, that's right. Like y 'all are working like 24 seven. Like you, you guys are getting up at ungodly hours. Actually hard jobs. Like moving shit. Especially like you're lifting shit, you're doing whatever.

1:22:21And I'm just kind of like, I can't be wrinkly on camera. Yeah. I can't be dehydrated wrinkly on camera. And they're kind of going, that's not a problem. And I'm like, you're making good points. Let's get blackout tonight. Okay. Let's get blackout tonight. I'm beyond hungover on Kelly Clarkson tomorrow. I barf in her shoe. She would love that. You know she's been blackout before. For sure. I'd hope. Kelly? I hope. Kelly Clarkson, she's been blackout. I hope so. She's probably been to a lot of good parties. Probably. And guess what? She's probably been to a lot of boring parties where she goes, i'm gonna need a drink tonight yeah and i'm making dan get black out with us tonight as well you know he i was just saying this is someone i feel like people would guess that i last longer than him but sometimes when it's work play he he pulls it out and and he's like down to go out dan's out yes he's out he'll do stuff yes he will and he'll stay out like he'll be one if he's ready to rally he will i ruined a game of charades at his house once why what was it it wasn't charades it was like it was like oh the celebrity game something like that and i like totally messed up the rules and just gave my thing away immediately ruined it in front of jesse tyler ferguson oh my god what kind of gay guy cabal was this i know that's why i wasn't invited to jesse tyler ferguson there were only three gay guys there oh okay other than that a lot of women dan has your friendship makeup a bit yes it is very like women forward friend that's what i love about him yes it's like stylish women is there anything you want to tell people before we go i love caleb I can't wait for our film I can't wait for our child and I can't wait for tonight yeah we're being black out can I say something this is something I'm just thinking of now off the top of my head here's to the nights we'll never remember with the people we'll never forget do you know what I mean yes and that's right now I love it I love you ciao ciao Ciao Bella.

1:24:14Ciao Bella. Ciao Cara Mia. Ciao Cara Mina. Ciao Bella. Apple Pay is the simple, secure and fast way to pay. That's because your credit or debit card is right on your iPhone. Accepted at millions of places, from big box stores to boutiques, you can check out with your iPhone anywhere contactless payments are accepted. Apple Pay is more secure than a physical card because you authenticate your purchases with Face ID before you pay. And your actual card number is never shared with merchants. Add your debit or credit card to Apple Wallet to check out in seconds. Simple. Secure. Fast. That's Apple Pay.

1:24:48Terms apply. Saying how you feel out loud is terrifying. But that's what Hinge's new free audiobook, No Ordinary Love, is all about. It's a collection of real love stories about five couples that met on Hinge. The stories are written and read by Tembi Dinton Hurst, Nicola Dinan, Curtis Garner, Raven Smith, and Rufy Thorpe. I, Hunter Harris, wrote and read the foreword. The audiobook's out now. Give it a listen. Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweet Greens Fall Harvest Menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple glazed Brussels, and crave worthy flavors in the autumn harvest bowl, maple glazed salmon plate and roasted bacon Brussels side.

1:25:40The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen featuring fall's best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app.