E327: The “Maybe It’ll Be Different This Time” Fantasy

0:00One of the sneakiest thoughts in sobriety is maybe I could drink differently now. You get some sober time, you're sleeping better, your mental health is getting better, you feel like you're more stable emotionally, more self-aware, the chaos that was in your life before is gone or most of it's gone. You probably feel like a different person and then your brain says maybe that means that I could handle alcohol now. And that's what makes this fantasy so convincing. it uses your progress as evidence it says you're not the same person anymore you have more tools now you know yourself better you've learned so much you would never let it get that bad again you could probably have one drink on vacation or at a wedding or on a special occasion and be completely fine the fantasy feels so convincing because it uses real evidence you probably are different now.

1:00Maybe you have some coping skills. Maybe you see your patterns more clearly. You're probably also feeling less reactive, less impulsive, and less desperate for relief than when you were drinking and in the very early days. So when your brain says, maybe I could drink differently now, it doesn't feel like a craving or a rationalization. It feels like a reasonable conclusion based on your progress.

1:38you became more stable because alcohol was removed and you started building a life without it your emotional capacity improved because you stopped using alcohol to avoid every uncomfortable feeling so yes you may be different now but you're different because sobriety is working for you And that's the part that the fantasy conveniently leaves out. It takes the benefits of sobriety and then uses them as an argument for drinking. It tells you, look how much better you are. Maybe you could handle alcohol now. But the more accurate interpretation is, look how much better you are. Why would you reintroduce the thing that you had to remove to become this version of yourself?

2:24the I could drink differently now fantasy puts all the blame on who you were then you tell yourself I was drinking that way because I was stressed or I didn't have coping skills then I was in a bad place and some of that is definitely true but that leaves out alcohol's role in the pattern alcohol was not just a neutral substance sitting there while you made bad choices around it alcohol changed your brain state. It lowered your inhibitions. It changed your judgment. It increased the value of having one more drink. It disrupted your sleep, made your anxiety worse, reduced your emotional regulation, and made it harder to follow through on the plan that you made before you started drinking.

3:11So yes, you have changed, but alcohol has not changed. And if alcohol repeatedly became a problem in your life, you are not testing your new self in a neutral situation. Your drinking was not only about your mindset, your stress level, or your coping skills. It was also about what alcohol does once it's back in your system. So the question isn't, can I handle it now? The question is, what happens when this different person puts alcohol back into the same brain and body that already learned that alcohol equals relief? And I do want to be clear here too i don't subscribe to the whole alcohol is an addictive substance of course you got addicted to it thing it is yeah but most people never become addicted to it that takes all of the responsibility off of us and it reinforces this idea that quitting drinking is the end of the story not the beginning of it we are responsible for doing the work and building a life that doesn't require alcohol to get through.

4:16But just because you build that life doesn't mean that you're safe to reintroduce alcohol. You experience alcohol in a way that allows it to invade your mind, become an obsession, and push out most other things. That doesn't change because you did some work. You can't change how you experience alcohol. And all it takes is one little compromise before all the wheels fall off the bus and then you get stuck in it again. Time sober can change a lot. It can weaken some of the old associations that you've built up about alcohol. It gives your nervous system time to stabilize. It helps you build self-trust, healthy routines, get support, develop emotional capacity, and build a life that's not organized around drinking.

5:04But time cannot turn you into a take-it-or-leave-it drinker. And that's the mistake in the fantasy. It assumes that because alcohol feels less powerful now, the old pattern has been erased. A lot of people will mistake distance for a reset. They think, I haven't wanted alcohol in a long time, so maybe I'm cured. But not wanting alcohol every day is not the same thing as being able to drink normally. It may just mean the pathway is not being activated all the time because alcohol is no longer part of your routine and you've had enough distance from it that you're starting to heal. If alcohol became your fast way to get relief, escape, confidence, numbness, reward, or a break from your life, that learning doesn't disappear just because you have time away from it.

5:59Time helps, sure, but time doesn't make the brain forget what alcohol used to do for you. So when your brain says, it's been long enough, maybe I'm cured, the more accurate response is, it's been long enough for my life to get better without alcohol, period. And the fact that you're wondering about it and trying to talk yourself into it is proof that the old pathway is still there. Take it or leave it, drinkers, don't wonder if they can drink again. So the I could drink differently now fantasy doesn't start with I'm going to go back to drinking. It starts with a small compromise. I'll only drink on vacation.

6:40Only at weddings. Only on holidays. Only at nice dinners. Never at home. Only if I'm with other people. Only if it's a special occasion. But those rules are not protection. They're negotiations. and you know that you can't successfully keep your moderation rules. The problem is the definition of special can start to expand and once you begin to compromise on the compromise, it's over and it's only a matter of time before you're back to where you started. Vacation becomes Saturday nights. Holidays become birthdays, which then become other people's birthdays. Nice dinners become any dinner where you feel like you deserve it.

7:27Social drinking becomes drinking after a stressful day because you handled yourself well enough. Only one becomes only tonight. And then before you know it, only tonight becomes I'll reset tomorrow and then you can't. We can never have real freedom if we leave the door cracked open for a sip here or there or a drink on special occasions. alcohol will continue to rent space in your brain if you do that and this is another reason why it's important to not do this alone all of this stuff feels so believable inside of our own heads because our brain is using our real life and our progress as evidence that we can drink safely but if you tell a therapist coach sponsor or your sober community then they can help you reality check this and stay on the right path so you can get through the hard part and out to the other side if you're looking for support to make this a long-term thing and not just another break then i would love to support you in my community you can get more info in the show notes and let me just remind you literally no one listens to the sober powered podcast and then discovers they're actually a take it or leave it drinker who can handle alcohol.

8:46Nobody. Not you. Not anybody else. I don't care how different you think you are. I also thought I was different. Everybody else also thought that they were different. You're listening to a sober podcast for a good reason. And please just let yourself get to the other side of the hard part. It is so much better when it's not a battle and you have freedom in your mind. Okay, the end. I'll talk to you next week.

9:39Thank you.