E328: Why Dabbling Keeps You Stuck in the Drinking Cycle

0:00Dabbling is when you stay close enough to sobriety to feel like you're doing something but not close enough for sobriety to actually change you in any way. so you might listen to podcasts read posts follow sober accounts make day one posts in groups maybe you even go to a meeting you probably lurk you collect information gather advice and understand the problem intellectually and then you disappear or you feel a little bit better and you back way off. And then you wait until things get bad again before you re-engage. We all go through a dabbling stage. Sometimes listening, reading, and observing are really the first steps.

0:46But at some point, dabbling becomes a way to get the emotional relief of feeling like you're working on the problem without requiring the behavioral change that would actually move you forward in any meaningful way. And that's why dabbling can keep us stuck for so long. It feels productive because you're not ignoring the problem completely, but information is not the same thing as participation. And knowing what you need to do is not the same thing as doing it consistently enough for your life to change. So that's what this episode is all about. The difference between being interested in sobriety and actually committing to it.

1:27The difference between showing up when the pain is fresh versus staying engaged long enough for sobriety to become who you are.

1:49Dabbling usually doesn't look like nothing. Most people who are dabbling are doing something. They're listening to podcasts, reading books, following sober stuff. Maybe they consider joining something. They probably beat themselves up a lot. They have short bursts of action where they post, go to a meeting, book an appointment, buy something, tell someone that they need help, or start over with a lot of emotion. Dabbling usually feels pretty desperate, but then nothing changes. Dabbling looks like making a day one post and then disappearing. Or joining a community but then only showing up when things are going bad for you.

2:34or coming to meetings but never participating, never letting anyone get to know you, and never letting the support get close enough to actually challenge the pattern that you're in. It could look like just listening forever or not feeling ready yet to share, even though staying invisible is part of how the drinking pattern survives. Dabbling looks like consuming sobriety content but then not applying it. Maybe you understand the science. You can explain dopamine cravings, habit loops, stress, nervous system stuff, and why alcohol makes everything worse. But then when the moment comes to do something different, you still end up following the old default path.

3:20It also looks like talking around the real issue. You could be in therapy or coaching and still sidestep the real work that you need to be doing. you can be in a group and still perform the version of you that feels self-aware while actually protecting the pattern that you should be giving attention to and that's why dabbling is not always just about whether you have access to support information or tools a lot of dabblers do have this stuff but the issue is they keep those things at a distance and they don't use them consistently enough for them to have impact. They treat sobriety resources and support like an emergency room.

4:05They go there when the consequences hurt and when the shame is unbearable, but then once they feel better, they leave. They stop posting and attending. They stop doing the work. Maybe they stop listening to sober podcasts because they don't need it anymore. they assume that the crisis passing means that the problem's handled. And this is one of the biggest differences between dabbling and commitment. Dabblers show up to relieve the pain of the latest drinking episode. Committed people keep showing up to understand and interrupt the pattern that created the latest drinking episode. So I want to be clear, dabblers are not usually doing nothing.

4:52They do just enough to feel like they're trying while avoiding the level of honesty, consistency, and participation that would actually result in change for them. I remember when I was a dabbler, I was there for years. I felt very desperate. People would tell me all the time that I wasn't ready, and it made me mad because I felt ready. But in reality, it was just desperation, and I wasn't willing to do anything different. I wanted to drink without the consequences. One of the most difficult shifts in sobriety is moving from dabbling and being interested to actual commitment. Interest says I want to stop drinking if it's not too uncomfortable for me.

5:40Commitment says I'm going to stop drinking and I'm going to learn how to tolerate the discomfort that comes with that decision. Interest says I need to get motivated. Commitment says I'll show up because this is how I become that person I said I wanted to be. Interest says I'll do the work when things calm down. And commitment says the work is learning how to stay sober while life is not calm. A lot of people are genuinely interested in sobriety. They want the benefits, the better sleep, calm morning, self-respect, improved relationships, emotional stability, and freedom from shame. But they're not willing to commit to the process that creates it.

6:31They want to feel different, but they are still negotiating with the behaviors that keep them the same. They want stability, but then they only use support when they're in crisis mode. They want to stop drinking, but alcohol is secretly an option if things get too bad, too boring, too lonely, or too uncomfortable. Commitment is different because it doesn't depend on whether you feel like doing it today or not. It means that the decision has already been made, so now your job is to just practice living it. You can still feel awkward or like you don't need it and still go to the meeting. You can feel embarrassed and then still tell the truth.

7:16You can feel bored and still not treat alcohol like it's entertainment. You can feel lonely and still reach out instead of disappearing into a drink. That's a difference here. Interest follows your feelings. Commitment follows the decision that you already made. A big thing that I see with people who are dabblers versus people who are truly committed is willingness. Dabblers want the change, but they are not willing to withstand the suffering that may or may not come with the change. People that are committed, they're going to do it no matter what. Alcohol is not an escape hatch if things get too uncomfortable for them.

8:04They are willing to suffer through the uncomfortable parts to get to the good parts. And this is a huge issue with dabbling, is it keeps alcohol available for you. And sometimes that availability is really obvious. Alcohol stays in your house. You keep going to the same places. You keep spending time with your drinking friends in the same drinking situations. You keep telling yourself, I'll just see how it goes. I'll try not to drink, even though you already know how it goes. Your brain keeps looking for the situation where drinking might make sense. Maybe not today, but probably on vacation. Maybe not at home, but definitely at that wedding for the champagne toast.

8:49No way are you going to drink alone, but maybe you could become one of those special occasion social drinkers. Definitely not when you're upset, because you are not a coping drinker, but drinking to celebrate? How could you not? And that's why dabbling is so exhausting. You're not only trying not to drink, you're constantly renegotiating whether drinking is an option. So then every stressful day, every social event, every good or bad mood becomes a debate for you. Your brain is looking for exceptions. Commitment removes that. And that doesn't mean that commitment removes cravings or tough times.

9:32It doesn't mean that you never think about drinking. But it does mean that alcohol is no longer an option for you. And that matters because when alcohol is still available, your brain has a job, finding the right excuse to convince you to drink it. And the excuse is going to sound very reasonable. I've learned so much. I'm in a different place now. I just need to be less extreme. Maybe counting days is creating too much pressure for me. I don't want to be too rigid. I should be able to handle this now. Dabbling keeps you focused on what about this time? And commitment keeps the focus on what do I need to be doing instead?

10:16One of the clearest signs of dabbling is disappearing as soon as you feel better. When the pain is fresh, sobriety feels urgent. You feel ashamed of yourself. You can't believe you did this again. You remember exactly why you wanted to quit. and you feel scared by how quickly it happened or how bad it got. So in that moment, you do reach out for support. You listen to podcasts, you post, you go to a meeting, you make an appointment, you tell yourself, this time, I'm doing it. I'm never drinking again. But then a few days pass or a couple weeks, or maybe you get that special 90 or 100 days. basically you get some distance from your last drinking episode and then the urgency fades away and that's where dabblers disappear and it's not because they're bad people or idiots or losers it's because they're focused on emotional intensity not actual commitment their emotions dictate their behavior and your emotions are never going to line up with doing something hard like quitting drinking except in those rare moments where you're suffering enough.

11:33Pain creates a window of clarity for us. It shows us the truth very quickly and it makes the cost of drinking impossible to ignore. But pain is not structure. It's not going to get you to long-term sobriety. If you only show up when the consequences are hurting you, then your sobriety is dependent on your life staying miserable. But over time, your brain will start softening the memory. The drinking episode gets further away. You massage the embarrassment. And then the part of you that wanted to quit will start competing with the part of you that wants comfort, ease, permission, and escape. People assume that feeling better means they're fine.

12:20They think, I'm not craving right now, so I probably don't need that meeting, or I'm in a good place, so I don't need to post. I'll come back if I start struggling again. But that is the dabbler pattern. Dabblers use support to recover from the latest crisis, so they feel just good enough to go back on their way. Committed people use support to prevent future crises. Long-term sobriety is built when you go to the meeting after a good week. or when you don't feel like going. It's built when you post, even when you feel vulnerable and like you don't want to share or like you have, quote, nothing to say.

13:02It's built when you tell the truth to people. And when you keep doing the things that protect and prioritize your sobriety, even after that urgency that got you started has faded. And that's what dabblers miss. They treat sobriety like an emergency response and that's why it feels so desperate and that's why it feels like you're ready but desperation and readiness are not the same thing if you keep disappearing when you feel better you're not giving sobriety enough time to change you you're only using it long enough to feel less bad about drinking it takes much longer than you think to make a long-term behavior change, especially with something that you've reinforced as much as drinking.

13:50When I was dabbling, I would have bursts of intense commitment, which disappeared when the pain from drinking started to fade. I externalized everything. I blamed work, other people, society in general, and anything I could latch onto, really, for why I drank and why it was too hard for me and why people wouldn't understand and why my situation was different. I was so desperate, but then at the same time not desperate enough to change any of my behavior. I kept the truth from myself. I said I liked the taste and I drank socially. I had a million excuses for why I drank that all sound perfectly reasonable, but I wasn't willing to look at my own behavior and thoughts and my coping skills and see how I was setting myself up for failure and what I was really using alcohol for.

14:47So the goal of this episode is not for you to beat yourself up or feel like you're a loser if you recognize yourself in this. Dabbling is not a character flaw. It's a pattern and a stage that we all go through. And it lasts years for everybody. But it is a pattern that will keep you stuck if you keep mistaking proximity for participation so in my episode next week we're going to talk about how do you actually stop dabbling and start doing the work and in the community lately we've been talking about letting emotions dictate your behavior versus your values or this idea that emotions are not instructions.

15:37So if you feel like you've moved beyond the dabbling stage, I would love to support you with the structure in there to get to long-term sobriety. So I'll talk to you next week and thank you for listening.

16:01Thank you.