E329: What Dabbling Looked Like For Me

0:00In the last episode, I talked about the difference between dabbling and actually committing sobriety. and in the next episode I'm going to talk more about what it looks like to stop dabbling and start actually doing the work but before we get there I want to tell you a story from when I was sober curious because this is one of the clearest examples that I have of thinking I was committed when I was actually dabbling so then you can have a good example of what I'm talking about in this dabbling series.

0:45this was about 10 years ago before I quit drinking for good I had decided that I was going to drink less and have mocktails instead of alcohol and I was serious about it or at least I thought that I was serious about it. I spent time researching mocktails. I bought all the ingredients. I had a whole plan. We were having friends over and this other couple that we used to party with all the time and I was going to make myself something fancy and non-alcoholic in a pretty glass like everybody tells you to. And I still remember the mocktail because I put a lot of effort into it. I froze chai tea into ice cubes and I made this fancy almond milk chai situation.

1:35It was very Pinterest-y and pretty. So I felt prepared. I had my drink. I had my plan. I thought I'm doing this. I'm not drinking tonight. Problem was I changed the drink and nothing else. I still invited the couple that we partied with to come over. I still put myself in the same environment I still had the same expectation that we were going to hang out the way we always hung out I still sat there while everybody else drank and I expected my sober curious intention to hold up in the exact same situation where I used to drink all the time our friends started picking on me for having mocktails they told me that I was lame and that I should just drink with everybody else and at first I kept insisting that I was fine, that I'm having my mocktail and you guys drink and I'm doing my thing, but they kept pressuring me and then eventually I gave in.

2:33And because I started later than everybody else, I started doing shots to catch up. And I didn't just catch up, I surpassed everybody. So even though I started drinking hours later than them, I ended up getting more drunk than they were. I think that it would be very easy to hear this story and think, wow, those are terrible friends. How awful of them. But that's actually not how I see it. Were they being supportive? No. But I also don't think peer pressure from people who don't understand why you're trying not to drink is evil. I invited them over to drink and party. They didn't understand what I was trying to do.

3:17They wanted the party vibes. They wanted me to participate the way that I always had. And when I was drinking, I wouldn't have wanted to hang out with a sober person either, so I get it. If I was drinking and someone else was not drinking, I would have felt like their sobriety was ruining the vibe. It's not so much that their sobriety makes me reflect on my own drinking, which seems to be the automatic response in the sober community to peer pressure. I didn't even want to hang out with moderate drinkers. Either party for real or get away from me. And I know we all think that we drink socially or whatever, but drinking was the primary goal.

4:01Socializing was the secondary goal. Socializing was honestly just the excuse to drink a lot. so yes they pressured me but the bigger issue here is that I put myself in a situation where pressure was extremely predictable and I had no plan for it that's why it's such a good example of dabbling because in my mind I felt committed I decided I wasn't going to drink I bought the ingredients I made a mocktail I had my sober drink with me but behaviorally I changed nothing I didn't change the environment, the plan, who I was spending time with or how I was spending time with them I didn't prepare for the obvious questions or tell them ahead of time I'm not drinking tonight and I don't want you to pressure me about it I didn't think through what I would do if they pushed back I just hoped that my intention and my mocktail would be enough And this is such a common mistake We think commitment means I really mean it this time and feeling like you desperately want things to be different, but real commitment has to show up in your setup.

5:13The hard part is not deciding not to drink when you're alone, motivated, and making your chai ice cubes. The hard part is staying connected to that decision when people are teasing you, when everybody else is drinking, and when your brain starts rationalizing. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I'm ruining the night. Maybe it would be easier to just drink. I'll try again tomorrow. And this is where the real plan matters. And a mocktail in a fancy glass and good intentions isn't going to cut it. And this is why I always say sobriety is not about willpower. It's also about being honest about what situations you're actually ready for.

6:00and at that point having friends over to my house to drink while I sat there with a mocktail was not setting myself up for success and it doesn't mean that I had to ditch everybody or that we can never be around people who drink and it definitely doesn't mean every person who questions your sobriety is toxic and must be cut off immediately when I got sober for good I did spend time with those people but I did it differently because one of those people is actually my brother and he's my best friend in the entire world and we talk every single day and he's one of my biggest supporters now so instead I would meet at a restaurant where I knew there was a non-alcoholic beer that I could order or we would go bowling or we would do something where drinking was not the entire point of the hangout and I informed them beforehand that I didn't drink anymore.

6:57And when my brother inevitably gave me the, I don't understand why you have to stop, why can't you just have one, I was prepared with an answer. And it didn't mean that he's mean or toxic. He just didn't understand because he can have one and stop. He has no idea what it feels like to drink the way that I drink. And I'm grateful that he doesn't understand. so questioning is not always an evil mean thing that people do they notice a change they don't understand it so they ask you about it it's very simple and if after that they keep questioning and pressuring you well then that's a whole different story but anyway commitment is more practical it's looking at the situation and asking what will this require from me if i'm actually going to stay sober during it?

7:52If I'm going out with people who drink, do I know what I'm ordering? If someone asks why I'm not drinking, do I know what I'm going to say? If people pressure me, am I prepared to repeat my no? If I start to feel uncomfortable, how am I going to get out of there? If the entire event revolves around alcohol, is this honestly a good idea for me to go? dabbling looks more like i'll bring a mocktail commitment is more like i know myself well enough to set this thing up differently and i know that nobody wants to feel like sobriety means we have to change everything we want to keep the same friends the same plans the same parties the same weekends, the same identity, the same routines, but then just remove the alcohol.

8:48But if you end it up here and you're listening to this, alcohol didn't accidentally become a bad habit for you. It was woven into your routines, your friendships, your stress relief, your social life, your confidence, your boredom, your fun, your identity, and the way you moved through life. So if you only change the drink, you're not changing the reasons why you drink. And there's only so long that you can willpower your way through that. My chai mocktail thing was not the problem. The mocktail was actually a fine idea. The problem was I thought the mocktail was the whole plan. I was dabbling.

9:32I was close enough to sobriety to feel like I was trying, but not close enough for sobriety to actually change how I approached my life. And that's why that story matters. A lot of people think they relapsed because someone pressured them or because there was alcohol around or they didn't have enough willpower. And sure, those things are part of it, but that's keeping it external. internal. The more useful question is, how did I set myself up here? Bring it back in your control. Did I put myself in a situation where drinking was the expected outcome and then hope that my intention would magically override it?

10:15Did I prepare for the pressure that I knew was likely? Did I choose a setting that supported the person I was trying to become? Did I make a plan for discomfort or did I just assume I would not feel it? Did I tell the truth ahead of time or did I wait until I was already in the moment and vulnerable? And it's not about blaming yourself it's just about being honest enough to do things differently next time. Dabbling can end when your actions start protecting the decision that you say you made. So in the next episode we will talk more about how to stop dabbling. And until then, there are resources for you in the show notes, and I will talk to you next week.

11:23Thank you.