E330: How to Stop Dabbling and Start Doing the Work

0:00This is where I think people misunderstand understand what doing the work actually means. Doing the work isn't just listening to sober stuff, understanding the science, or listening to people do their work in meetings. That stuff matters, but information alone isn't going to change the pattern. You may have noticed how this podcast has evolved over the years. Each episode used to be a deep dive into the science, and then I've talked about it less and less. I learned that understanding what's going on helps a lot, but it's really the beginning of the story, not the end.

0:56doing the work means looking at the thoughts emotions body sensations excuses resentments permissions and warning signs that happen before alcohol becomes the only solution We don't randomly drink out of nowhere. Something builds. And if you continuously try to not drink when everything in you is screaming to drink, that's not really a sustainable way to do it. maybe it starts with resentment you feel like you do everything you feel unappreciated you feel like no one thinks about you you tell yourself i deserve a break or maybe it starts with anxiety you feel restless unsettled and alcohol starts sounding like the fastest way to turn your brain off or maybe it starts with loneliness boredom social pressure shame exhaustion or the feeling that you can't handle one more thing.

1:58Doing the work means getting curious about that sequence before it ends in drinking. It's asking, what was I feeling before I wanted alcohol? What story have I been telling myself? What did I need that I haven't been asking for? What did I ignore because I didn't want to deal with it? What was I trying to escape? That's very different from saying, I don't know what happened. I just drank. And I get why people say that because I did too. Drinking can feel very sudden. It can feel like cravings come out of nowhere. But when you slow down, there were signs. There was a buildup. And dabbling avoids this part.

2:43Dabbling is, I just need to try harder next time. And doing the work is, I need to understand what I can do differently moving forward. Dabbling is saying stuff like onwards or calling it a data point when you've already had a hundred data points. Doing the work is being willing to experience the discomfort of what's going on long enough to learn from it so that you can actually do things differently moving forward. Because next time is not going to be random. There's stress, thoughts avoidance old beliefs nervous system activation permission giving there were moments where you could tell the truth ask for help leave eat rest pause change your environment or do something differently but instead you continuously follow the old path so doing the work is learning to see these moments and interrupt them.

3:44It's not wanting to drink but then not drinking. And this all requires honesty because the drinking pattern survives in vagueness. It survives in phrases like, I've been struggling. I just need to break the bad habit. I fell off. Things have been hard. And those may be true, but they're not specific enough to change anything for you. specificity and curiosity are what actually helps change the pattern so learning that you drink when you're resentful because you don't want to admit that you're over giving and people pleasing or you drink when you feel socially awkward and you want to fit in or you drink when you're angry because alcohol gives you permission to stop caring or you drink when you feel trapped because you get the illusion of freedom or you drink because you're bored and you don't know how to just be with yourself without constant stimulation you can't interrupt a pattern that you refuse to look at and this is also where support is helpful because sometimes other people can see the pattern before you can they hear the excuse they see when you're minimizing they can reflect back the thing that you keep talking around so you can actually see it.

5:05But if you're dabbling, you will keep support far enough away that no one can really help you challenge the pattern. You'll listen without participating, or you'll share the polished version. You'll avoid the hard conversations before drinking, and you'll only ask for help after drinking has already happened. Maybe you'll even collect feedback but it's not going to change what you do. Commitment looks like I'm willing to be honest and vulnerable enough to become interruptible. The work is becoming aware of the pattern early enough, specifically enough, and honestly enough that you have the ability to choose something different.

5:52That's what people don't get. They wait until they're hijacked by overwhelm and stress and then they expect themselves to make a better choice when the window to make a different choice was earlier. Sobriety isn't going to become your lifestyle just because you know alcohol is bad for you and because you want to be healthy. There's more to it. You don't randomly drink for no reason and it's not just a bad habit. Commitment is doing things like going to a meeting when you would rather not, posting when you feel like you don't have anything to say, leaving the party early or skipping it instead of trying to prove that you're fine.

6:35It's basically doing the small repetitive things that keep you in the green zone and that's hard for a brain that is used to intensity. Alcohol creates constant intensity. The anticipation, the relief the chaos the shame the recommitment the day one energy the emotional swing of never again the excitement of making a new plan and then the slow drift back to i don't know why i drank i just did even though the cycle is awful it's very stimulating commitment doesn't give us any emotional spikes. It's not interesting, inspiring, or satisfying in the moment. And that's where dabblers get stuck. Dabblers often want sobriety to keep feeling emotionally urgent.

7:29They want to feel motivated, inspired, scared even. But committed people understand that the feeling that started the change isn't the same thing as the structure that's going to sustain the change. So how do you actually stop dabbling? Well, you stop waiting for sobriety to feel easier before you participate in it. You stop telling yourself that it's not bad enough because, I mean, if you're listening to this, I can tell you with 100 % certainty it's bad enough. So one way that you can stop dabbling is by choosing one place that you've been really passive in your sobriety and then become active there.

8:17So maybe that means turning on your camera in meetings, posting honestly instead of only reading everyone else's posts or giving everybody else advice. Or maybe it means actually putting a profile picture of yourself if you're in a community or telling people the truth that you're thinking about drinking before you drink, not after. It's going to a meeting regularly even when you feel good instead of only showing up when you're in crisis. The goal is to stop disappearing and to stay consistent. So ask yourself, where are you staying passive? Where are you consuming way too much information instead of applying it?

9:03Where are you keeping alcohol available? Where do you disappear once you feel better? Where are you using support like an emergency room instead of a regular practice? Where are you blaming others or external stuff instead of taking responsibility? Dabbling thrives in vagueness, isolation. I'm fine. I'll come back if I need it. I know what I need to do. so if you want to stop dabbling don't start with a huge elaborate plan just close one gap consistently use support before you're desperate and then keep using it let people get to know you stop protecting the option to drink and work on things consistently the thing i want you to understand is real change requires willingness, capacity, and personal ownership.

10:04Willingness is the ability to withstand discomfort and do anything but drink, basically. Dabblers want to be sober, but if it gets uncomfortable enough, they'll use the escape hatch and drink, and that threshold is often very low. Someone with willingness is going to stay sober no matter what. It doesn't matter if they have to skip the social thing, go and have a bad time, feel bored, feel sad, or whatever it is. They're willing to experience it because they will stay sober no matter what. They're willing to be uncomfortable because they trust all of the people that have come before them and they trust that it's the right decision.

10:53Building capacity is a huge focus both on this podcast and in my community. Building capacity means minor inconveniences don't completely derail you and ruin your day. You have the ability to feel emotions without spiraling or numbing. You can adjust your perspective instead of going into all or nothing thinking, catastrophizing or taking things personally it's stuff like that when we have low capacity we can't handle anything everything feels way too hard and we are so self-focused because we have limited resources and if you refuse to look at your drinking and you keep it at i drink to enhance i don't know why i drink or i keep convincing myself it'll be different this time then you never take ownership.

11:44Taking ownership of what's going on and why you drink is what helps you change the pattern instead of the pattern feeling like it randomly happens to you all the time. So if you want to stop dabbling then I would suggest that you work on being consistent whether that's with weekly therapy or coaching, meetings, or whatever other type of support is helpful for you. Engaging with resources and learning consistently is not what I mean. that's keeping sobriety close enough to feel like you're trying but you're not being vulnerable or curious enough to make progress and a lot of people when they think about stopping dabbling they'll immediately go to how their drinking isn't that bad they'll think about the quantity or the frequency or how they haven't had any major external consequences but that's not what matters I mean, you're sitting here spending your time listening to the Sober Powered podcast.

12:44No one does that accidentally. You're still here at the end of an episode about how to stop dabbling. You qualify for sobriety. You can keep postponing sobriety and letting it get worse and worse and worse, or just continue to suffer for years or decades. or you could try to be present enough and think enough about this to get to that place where you have willingness to commit no one can force you to do that it has to come from in you so if you're there i would encourage you to stop trying to make excuses for why you can postpone quitting drinking and realize it's already bad enough it's over for you you can't moderate you can't go backwards to a place where you're not thinking about your drinking you're clearly having enough consequences that brought you here that have made you think about sobriety that's plenty and i also want to remind you that long-term sobriety is two years two plus years it takes time to change and make being sober part of who you are another 30 90 or 100 day challenge isn't going to do that so the people that feel a little better and then they randomly drink and they don't know why or they keep convincing themselves that they're cured it's because you feel better and then you distance yourself from the very things that were helping you feel better and then you slowly revert back to where you were and all of a sudden drinking seems like a brilliant idea.

14:37But if you stay committed and consistent, you can get through that hump and then actually get out of the hardest part of sobriety and move on with your life. You don't have to think about drinking or think about whether it's bad enough or not yet for the rest of your life. You could actually move on and have more in your life than alcohol. It's possible. I'm going to continue to talk about and look into how to help everybody get to readiness and willingness to change and then how to build capacity and all those things that I was talking about. So I appreciate you listening. I hope you have a great rest of your day and I'll talk to you next week.

15:23We'll be right back.