E332: “Am I Bad Enough?”

0:00One of the most common questions that people ask when they're trying to figure out their relationship with alcohol is, am I bad enough to quit? and then they start thinking about how maybe they don't drink every day they still go to work and take care of all their responsibilities they haven't lost everything nobody in their life tells them that they have a problem other people are way worse than them so then we keep measuring ourselves against this invisible standard trying to decide if we're bad enough to stop but bad enough is a moving target. If you compare yourself to someone who drinks more than you, you can tell yourself that you're not that bad.

0:45And if you compare yourself to someone who's lost more than you or who got a DUI and you didn't, then you can tell yourself you're not that bad. And every single time you decide you're not bad enough, alcohol gets to sink its claws in a little bit deeper.

1:14you don't have to wait until alcohol destroys something obvious before you're allowed to stop engaging with it and repeating the same misery instead of am i bad enough a better question is is alcohol taking me somewhere i don't want to go maybe your life hasn't fallen apart but maybe it never will. Maybe no one else sees the full pattern or thinks your drinking is that bad, and maybe they never will, no matter how much you drink. Maybe you can function, maybe you can take breaks, but just because of all those things, it doesn't mean that you're enjoying your life. You don't need a more dramatic bottom to start taking this seriously.

2:00This kind of comparison can keep you stuck for a very long time because you can almost always find someone who's worse. Even if you're worse than 99 % of drinkers, you will find that 1 % to compare yourself to to make it seem not that bad. And as long as you can find someone who's worse, part of your brain can say, see, I'm not that bad. I don't need to quit. I just need to be more careful. But someone else who's worse doesn't mean that alcohol is working for you. it just means someone else's life has been damaged in a different way or to a different degree or in a way that's more visible from the outside but that doesn't make what's happening to you harmless when you use bad enough as the standard you keep minimizing the consequences that you have because they don't feel dramatic or external enough and then this is how the line keeps moving the standard becomes unless alcohol creates a consequence i can't explain away i'll keep giving it another chance and we're very good at massaging the consequences in our mind to protect our drinking a lot of this comes down to being ambivalent about quitting like you kind of want to but not enough to actually do it.

3:23Ambivalence is not the same thing as confusion. Confusion is I don't know what's true while ambivalence is I know enough to see the truth but part of me still wants to drink. So when it comes to alcohol ambivalence sounds like I know drinking makes my anxiety worse but I still want to unwind at the end of the day or I know I feel better when I don't drink but I still want to drink on vacation or I know I keep breaking my own rules but I still want to believe that I can figure out how to moderate someday and that's not lack of information it's an internal conflict one part of you wants freedom from the consequences another part of you still wants access to what you think alcohol provides you and that means the way to move through this isn't more information or passive consumption of the resources.

4:15You have a lot of info. You have to start applying the info. And ambivalence is a normal part of change. We all go through it. We all have real reasons to change and real reasons to stay exactly the same at the same time. And that's why ambivalence is so exhausting. You're not really trying to make a decision, you're trying to make a decision while two different motivational systems are arguing against each other. Ambivalence means the old alcohol pathway still has value in your brain and the newer sober pathway is trying to compete with it. You want the benefits of sobriety, but you're not yet willing to sacrifice the perceived benefits of drinking, so you end up spinning your wheels and staying in the hardest part for years or decades.

5:05change talk is language that moves towards real change it's the part of you that says i'm tired of this i feel better when i don't drink i want to trust myself again i can't keep living this way i'm scared of where this is going i want a different life and sustained talk is language that argues for keeping things the same it's the part that says maybe i'm overreacting i'm not really that bad i should be able to drink normally maybe i need another break i don't want to be too extreme maybe i just need better rules i don't want to have to explain myself to people what about weddings what about vacation and a mix of these two types both change talk and sustain talk are usually present when we're in the ambivalent stage and this is exactly what's happening when you ask, am I bad enough?

6:00Because you know you're bad enough. You know you need to quit drinking, but you don't want to have to quit drinking. So you're trying to figure out a way to make it okay to keep doing what you're doing. The change talk part of this is, something is wrong. I'm concerned. I'm questioning my drinking. I don't want to keep doing this. But then the sustained talk part is, maybe it's not bad enough yet. Maybe I don't have to quit forever. So the question sounds like you're looking for clarity or trying to work it out but you're really just listening to both sides argue with each other one side is trying to protect you and the other side is trying to protect alcohol and this leads me to the deeper work here it's not just about shaming yourself for having thoughts about drinking you study it you think about it what is this part of me trying to keep what am I afraid of?

6:55Ambivalence doesn't resolve by collecting endless data points that alcohol is bad enough. Most of us already have more than enough evidence. We resolve ambivalence when the part of you that wants change gets stronger than the part of you that wants to keep negotiating and bargaining. And that isn't literal like being weak versus being strong. It happens through honesty, reflection, and support, not through comparison, trying to replace alcohol, or labeling it as a bad habit. When you're ambivalent, the brain isn't asking for information. It's weighing two competing motivations. One side wants to avoid the consequences of alcohol.

7:41The other still wants the relief, reward, confidence, escape, or belonging that alcohol seems to offer. So the question really isn't, am I bad enough? That's sustained talk. It's the part of you that still wants to drink without the consequences trying to convince you that it's okay. Because deep down, you know the truth. You know you're someone who needs to stop, regardless of all the reasons why it's not that bad. It's bad enough that you're here. I've talked to a lot of people in both the ambivalence, wanting to want it stage, and those who are ready and willing to make a change. The people that are ambivalent focus on how alcohol is a bad habit.

8:28They don't know why they drink. They try to compensate socially to still seem cool or fun or like nothing's going to have to change they focus on how bad alcohol is for their health to try to scare themselves into quitting and they may even have awareness of the excuses and the rationalizations that they provide for giving into drinking again but they don't know the true reasons why they drink so it's very difficult for them to make progress they stop at the excuses and they don't go any deeper People who have readiness and willingness know what they have to sacrifice to stay sober And they're going to do it They're going to be uncomfortable and bored And it's fine, they'll get through it And they're often very reflective and more open-minded than they were in the past They know they can't get the good part without the bad part So they're ready to let both go Alcohol makes our world very small so over time it feels like it's impossible to give it up like life would be horrible without alcohol in it but the fact that you think about your drinking this much is enough to want to give it up I know it feels like the end of the world but there is so much life out there waiting for you when you're willing to stop thinking about your drinking all the time some people can't drink alcohol because it dominates their thoughts it doesn't matter how much you drink or how often if you think about it constantly then that's a sign that your life would be better without it the quote addiction is giving up everything for one thing recovery is giving up one thing for everything is so true so reflect on that and try to realize alcohol is the thing that's holding you back from the life that you want and I will talk to you next week

10:34Thank you.