E333: Understanding the Problem Isn’t the Same as Changing It

0:00There are a few stages that we go through on the path to truly acknowledging our drinking. One of the earlier ones is when the drinking feels mysterious, so the I drink and I don't know why, or it's just a bad habit person. And another one is getting really into learning and then doing nothing with everything that you learn. I got obsessed with the science when I quit drinking, obviously. It helped me understand myself and why this happened to me. But learning didn't help me change what was causing all my problems. I began shifting this podcast to talk more about behavior change once I noticed the same thing happening with my listeners.

0:45Sometimes I would see people use scientific explanations before looking at the behavior right in front of them. They'd say they drank because pause is so hard to deal with, but they were on day four. You can't have post-acute withdrawal if you're still in acute withdrawal. And in that moment, the label becomes a way to explain the behavior without looking at what you needed to change. So basically, insight gives us a reason to explain our behavior without having to change it. And that's what I want to talk about.

1:32Before you understand why you drink, it can feel random. You may think, why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just stop? Why do I make the same promise and then break it again? Why do I drink when I know it's going to make everything worse? And when you don't understand the pattern, it's easy to make the problem mean something about who you are. You think that you're weak and have no discipline. You think something's wrong with you because other people can control their drinking and you can't. So when insight finally arrives, it feels like relief. You realize this isn't actually random. I drink when I'm resentful or when I feel left out or when I'm stimulated, when I'm trying to shut my brain off, when I feel like I've been good for long enough and I deserve something.

2:22Understanding can help reduce shame and help you stop treating every drinking episode like an isolated failure and start seeing the buildup that came before it. It feels good to understand yourself and to have the language to finally describe it besides being a weak will lose her. And it feels good for things to make sense. But feeling relieved because you understand the pattern isn't the same thing as interrupting the pattern. The problem is insight can soothe the shame of the behavior without requiring you to change the behavior. And if insight becomes the place where you stop, which is where most of us stop for a long time, then it can turn into another way to avoid agency, responsibility, and action.

3:11You can explain why you drink when you're resentful, but then still not set any boundaries. You can explain why you drink when you're anxious and why alcohol causes anxiety, but then still not practice tolerating anxiety without alcohol. And you can explain why you drink after a stressful day, but then not change the way that you handle stress. And you can explain why you drink in social situations, but then still not prepare, leave early, ask for support, or let yourself feel uncomfortable. And that's the difference between insight as a tool and insight as a hiding place. We can become very attached to understanding ourselves and others.

3:56We want to keep analyzing, keep explaining, keep finding the deeper reason, keep connecting every behavior to the past, to the nervous system or stress response, your childhood pattern, dopamine. And some of that is true and useful. But at some point, we have to shift the question from why do I do this to what am I going to do differently now that I know? A lot of people think self-awareness is the finish line. They think if they can explain why they drink, name the trigger, understand the nervous system, or describe the habit loop, then they're doing the work. And yes, that is absolutely part of the work, but it's actually the beginning of it, not the end of it.

4:44If you know you drink when you're resentful, the work isn't saying I drink when I resentful and then hoping that you don't feel resentful anymore. It's noticing when you're overgiving, saying yes when you want to say no, keeping score, expecting other people to notice how much you're doing or what you need, and letting the thought build like I deserve a reward. So taking this insight and applying it would mean setting boundaries, asking for help, saying no, telling your support system, I'm starting to feel resentful and if I don't do something about it, I'm going to want to drink later. That's very different from only understanding resentment after the fact.

5:30If you know you drink socially, the work isn't just saying I drink because I socialize. It's choosing a different way to socialize, deciding how long you're staying, driving yourself so you can leave, knowing what you're going to order, preparing for the moment that someone asks why you're not drinking, letting yourself feel awkward instead of using alcohol to force belonging and confidence. and if you know you drink when you feel overwhelmed the work isn't just saying I drink because of stress it's noticing the build-up before you hit that breaking point the goal is to start responding earlier in these sequences not just noticing them when we're desperate for relief we have to stop acting like the drink is the only moment that matters that's the end of the sequence and it's almost too late to do anything about it when your brain is screaming at you to have a drink.

6:32The beginning may be the overcommitment, isolation, resentment, the vague plan that you tried 47 million times, the I hope I don't drink today plan, the decision to not tell anyone, the thought that you're probably fine, the choice to go into the same exact setting as you always do but hope that your intention is stronger this time. Insight is what helps us pick up on these things, but then we have to actually do something about it. And this is uncomfortable because it removes the protection of helplessness and external blame. It's much easier to say, I keep convincing myself it'll be different this time than it is to say, there are places where I am doing the same thing over and over again and hoping it'll be different.

7:22And that doesn't mean that you're to blame for this or that the pattern is easy to change. Craving, stress, trauma, social pressure, and habit loops are all very real. But just because the pattern is difficult doesn't mean that you have no power in interrupting it. You don't have total control, but you do have influence over it. So once you see your pattern and you see your reasons for drinking, you move from why does this happen to where can I do something different? Where can I tell the truth earlier? Where can I change my approach? Where can I stop pretending that I'm fine? How do I use support before the crisis?

8:08That's how we move from insight into agency. And the reason that we stay stuck in learning and not doing anything about it for so long is because the next step requires tolerating discomfort. And that part is not easy, so we stay stuck instead. Boundaries feel uncomfortable. Emotions are yucky. Conversations are awkward. Going to a meeting or posting in a group is super vulnerable. Getting through a craving is very intense. And going to a social event may feel hard and sad and boring when you're sober. So even though we all understand what's going on, we keep going to the familiar, comfortable response and putting off doing anything different.

8:55Insight makes the work seem mostly intellectual. Like if we can understand why we drink and what's going on in the brain, then we should be able to just spontaneously stop. But unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Some people can spontaneously stop from having enough understanding, but it doesn't change the things in their life that make them want to drink. So then they continue to be miserable and triggered and intensely emotional or avoidant just without the drinking part. The work is being willing to feel what comes up when you don't use alcohol as a shortcut or an escape. So before you move on, ask yourself what has my insight been asking me to do that I keep putting off.

9:43Pick one place where you understand the pattern but haven't changed your behavior or your approach yet. Maybe you drink when you're resentful but you haven't set any boundaries and you expect people to just know. Maybe you drink when you're lonely but then you never reach out before loneliness turns into drinking thoughts. Maybe you know you drink when you socialize but you keep socializing exactly the same way. Maybe you know you disappear when you start to feel better and you haven't built support into the weeks when you're not in crisis mode. So pick one specific action that moves all of this learning and insight and understanding that you've been building into real life action.

10:31This is exactly the kind of work that I'm trying to do with you inside the Living a Sober Powered Life community. It's not so much about learning the science about alcohol. It's about changing the actual patterns in our real life so that we don't have to be triggered and miserable all the time. So that we can get to a point where we don't have to do sober stuff all the time and we can just move on and live a regular life. The goal of support isn't just to make you feel better after you drink and feel bad about yourself. it's to help you interrupt the pattern before it repeats itself again. Support is also about practicing a new way of living so then that can become your default.

11:17Understanding gives you clarity and hopefully direction but willingness is what carries you through the discomfort that is required in changing your patterns in your life. So if you want to start practicing what you have learned and make being sober just the way you live your life, then please come hang out inside Living a Sober Powered Life. You can get more information in the show notes. And if you have any questions, feel free to send me an email. While I can't respond to everybody, you may see it become an episode in the near future. Thank you for listening, and I will talk to you next week.

12:07Thank you.