Self-Care is NOT Temporarily Turning Off Your Brain (Replay)

0:00We think that turning off our brain with alcohol at the end of the day is me time and that it's the only way to get a break. This isn't self-care. It's called being depleted and trying to survive a life that drains you. Poor self-care is one of the most reliable predictors of relapse in people trying to get sober. It's important. And in this episode, I'm explaining what self-care is and five simple ways that you can begin to prioritize self-care in your life.

0:52Whenever I talk about self-care, I always get a comment or a DM asking about what self-care lets you turn off your brain that isn't alcohol. And that's not what self-care is. Self-care is about taking care of future you and not depleting yourself. It's not about escaping your life for a few hours. If you're someone that feels this way, then this is a big sign that you drink problematically and are drinking to cope rather than to unwind or relax. It's important for us to stay on top of our self-care because we are sensitive to triggers to drink. Stress, overwhelm, feeling like you can't get a break, and feeling like no one appreciates you are all triggers to drink.

1:35The more self-care that we do regularly, the more we will be able to handle things without feeling triggered to run to alcohol. We think that self-care is about spending money on massages, scrolling social media for hours, canceling everything or not doing chores to get more me time, staying up late watching tv, eating unhealthy food, and of course drinking. Besides the massage, these are all avoidant behaviors, not self-care. Self-care doesn't have to cost money either. It's about taking care of future you. Sometimes doing the dishes before you go to bed is self-care because it reduces future you's stress.

2:17We get stuck thinking that self-care is the same as instant gratification. Self-care is actually delayed gratification. It's going to bed on time, flossing your teeth, going to the gym when you don't want to, making that doctor's appointment that you've been putting off so you don't have to think about it anymore, checking things off your to-do list that you've been procrastinating, responding to emails, unfollowing accounts on social media that make you feel bad about yourself or only spark outrage and controversy, going to therapy, reading books, meditating, finding new hobbies, turning off notifications on your phone for work stuff, and going to that meeting instead of canceling it so you don't have to continue to dread it.

3:02These things typically don't take care of in the moment you, but they reduce your stress overall so you don't become depleted. I try to make sure that my kitchen is cleaned up before I go to bed because if I don't, the first thing that I see in the morning is a mess that makes me feel bad about myself. I've also found that I procrastinate on rescheduling appointments and responding to emails. Sometimes with the emails it goes on so long it's embarrassing. These little tasks take one or two minutes but then they sit in my mind for a month making me feel guilty. Self-care is handling these immediately and not procrastinating so that I can reduce my background stress and free up some mental energy.

3:44Self-care is also taking breaks when you have to and not pushing yourself too hard. It's knowing when you need to read a book and have a rest day and not making yourself feel guilty for it afterwards. And sometimes it is mani-pedis and massages, and that's okay too if that's part of your self-care routine. Poor self-care makes it easier for us to become angry, anxious, and resentful. And studies continuously say this. Poor self-care is one of the most reliable predictors of relapse. If you've taken anger management with me or you're in the Living a Sober Powered Life community, then there's a good chance that I've asked you about your self-care and told you how important it is.

4:24And I know self-care sounds so stupid, but remember, it's not so much about massages and face masks. It's about not depleting yourself so that you have to check out and escape your life. Based on what I've seen from my own experience and with the people that I've worked with, Transition times are very difficult for us. We don't know how to end one thing and start another, usually ending the workday and beginning to rest. Because we struggle with transitions, we use alcohol to force it. This is a trigger time that I see with so many people. So I encourage you to take some time and think about how you're transitioning, because often we come home and we're stressed or anxious or if you work from home or you're a stay-at-home parent you have so much stress and anxiety and exhaustion and then we sit on the couch and we expect to relax but we don't know how so then we go grab some alcohol to force us to relax and that's not a long-term solution.

5:29One of the more difficult parts of sobriety is that we just are ourselves all the time. We don't get to check out anymore. You can kind of disconnect and watch some reality TV and rest, but you're still yourself. So if you're trying to find a replacement in sobriety so that you can turn off your brain and have the same effect, you're not going to find it. Sobriety and self-care are all about understanding how to take care of yourself and how to build a life that you enjoy and build stress management techniques. I've also been tempted to try and jam pack as many healthy things into my new routine as I can, like setting goals to drink a greens drink every morning when I wake up.

6:15But we have to resist the urge to be all or nothing, because trying to make too many changes at once is not sustainable, and it'll make us burn out and quit. So just focus on one thing and when that's a routine, add another thing. So if you're working on this too, then here are five things to pay attention to as you prioritize self-care. One, who do you spend your time with? Do you spend a lot of time with people that suck the life out of you? Do you spend time with people who drink like we used to drink? You don't have to ditch all your friends and family, but having positive, healthy people in your circle is key.

6:52And you can get these online in the sober community if you don't have them in real life yet. But here's an example. I had a friend who wanted to complain about her husband non-stop whenever we went out. And this actually made me look for more problems in my own marriage. And every time I came home from seeing her, I would be tired and cranky. It can be as simple as that. Second thing to think about how's your nutrition? Do you drink any water? Which I'm saying as I realize I have not had any water today. Do you eat nutritious foods or are you blasting yourself with fried food, processed food, and sugar?

7:33The food that we eat can give us energy and health or it can make us tired and sluggish. You don't have to be the world's most nutritious, cleanest eater on the planet. And please don't start this perfect diet plan. And if you're obsessing over the amount of weight that you want to lose in sobriety that you haven't yet, please go listen to episode 188, where I discuss this in a lot of detail. Just focus on making healthy, sustainable choices and eating food that you actually enjoy. That's enough. Like, did you eat a vegetable today? No? Why don't you go find one and eat a vegetable, please? Keep it simple.

8:17Number three, how is your sleep? I will always tell you to do sleep hygiene. I think that it's very helpful to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. It trains your body to get tired on time and then you get better sleep and feel more alert when you wake up in the morning. A lot of us get revenge bedtime procrastination, where we feel like we didn't get any me time during the day, so we stay up late getting that time scrolling or watching TV. All this does is make you more tired the next day. I used to go to bed between 10 and 11, and now I go to bed at 9. I realize the only thing I'm missing out on is an extra hour of TV.

8:58That's not adding to my life. One hour of TV versus two does not make a difference. Plus, if you wake up earlier, you can use that time to do all sorts of good stuff. Number four, what do you enjoy doing? Are you just sitting around watching TV all night before you go scroll on your phone in bed? Do you sit around and do nothing thinking about what you should do? I do that one a lot, so no shame. If you're not sure what you enjoy doing, then this is your opportunity to try new things or revisit some hobbies that you used to enjoy. Sitting around doing nothing except feeling guilty and anxious depletes us.

9:39Scrolling reels for an hour and they're all stupid depletes us. And then you realize that you wasted an hour and you didn't even see anything good. Or even worse, you come across a creator that just uses controversy and outrage to get more views and then they piss you off and now your mood is ruined. Number five, are you taking minor annoyances off your plate or are you procrastinating and letting them rent space in your mind for weeks or months? And I want you to focus on your own self-care and thinking more about how can you take care of future you and reduce your stress levels so things don't build up and it feels like an emergency that you have to check out and escape.

10:24You don't have to feel that way anymore. Thank you for listening, and I'll talk to you in the next one.

10:56Thank you.