#580 Small actions to increase your assertiveness

0:00Hi everybody, it's Helen from the Squiggly Careers podcast and before today's episode starts I wanted to let you know about something that Sarah and I have created for the summer. We are going to be launching a series all about a career well spent. We're going to release four episodes, one every Tuesday and it's going to be us in conversation with an expert who can give us a different perspective on what it means to have a career well spent. we'll talk about longevity we'll talk about relationships we'll talk about time we'll talk about making a difference we wanted this to be a community learning moment too so on Thursdays we're going to have a LinkedIn live where you can bring your questions you can bring your reflections and we'll discuss the episodes together as a community all the links you need are going to be in the squiggly careers newsletter so if this sounds like something you want to get involved in and we really, really hope you do, it's all free and it'll be a great learning moment, then all you need to do is sign up for the newsletter.

0:58Just go to squigglynewsletter.com. That's squigglynewsletter.com and we will send you everything you need to know to get involved. But for now, let's get on with today's episode. Hi, I'm Helen from the Squiggly Careers podcast and you're listening to one of our Squiggly Shortcuts. These are episodes that come out every Thursday and we have done them deliberately short so they are really easy to listen and learn from. We hear from so many of our community that they are really, really short of time and they really want to learn, but it needs to be as easy as possible. So hopefully, hopefully that is what we're doing for you with these shortcuts.

1:34So today I want to talk to you a little bit about assertiveness. I feel like assertiveness is one of those skills that people say like, oh, you need to be more assertive. And it's like this big skill that we don't often break down into, okay, well, so what can I practically do differently? What is going to help me to be more assertive? And my opinion on this is that it's a series of small actions that actually lead to your assertiveness being more effective. I don't think there's one thing. And what I wanted to talk about is some small things that you can do differently, that increase your assertiveness over time.

2:18And these are small everyday actions. And to be honest, they might be some mistakes you're making at the moment. So it might be worth thinking about as I go through these five different things, which one of these do you recognise that you might be doing at the moment? Because that might be the one to prioritise doing something different. So five things that you could do differently and sort of five mini mistakes that you might be making as well. So let's start with the first one. To become more assertive, to come across with more assertiveness, we need to try to quash our qualifiers. What is a qualifier?

2:55So this is when you're in a meeting and you say, oh, I think we maybe could. Well, what if we, but don't worry if. You know, it's that, it's the thing that you say that then detracts from what you're about to say. And sometimes that's because we're a bit nervous, or it might be because we've not practiced what we're trying to say. Or maybe we are very influenced by other people's impressions. Now, I can be in a room sometime and I'm saying something and I'm looking at people's faces and that might take away my confidence in the moment. But if you want to come across with more assertiveness, it's really important that you quash those qualifiers because it takes the impact of what you're communicating away.

3:38So instead of, oh, maybe we could, but don't worry if it's okay if we don't. Instead of doing all that, you just want to really clear, really clear. One thing I think we should consider is, and then just say it and stop. Get better at saying it and stop. Does it mean everyone will agree with you? No, but it does mean you've got your point across with confidence and clarity. And those are important parts of what gives people that impression of assertiveness. So that's the first thing. The second thing is to own your opinions. When you are communicating, make sure you have the, I think, one idea I have had, I don't think we should.

4:22Make sure that you are not hiding your opinions and I could say oh Sarah suggested that or um we could consider something that this person said like don't borrow other people's opinions have yours the eyes I think my idea is and it's not it's not arrogant to say that I think I talk to people all the time about their confidence gremlins and I think sometimes people worry that if they're owning their opinion it comes across with arrogance. You're not doing this constantly. So you're not interrupting everyone with your opinion all the time. I think that's something entirely different. This is just if you are going to express an opinion, a belief you have about something, an idea you've got, a difference of opinion, then really be clear in owning that.

5:11People who come across as assertive are very good at owning their opinion. It doesn't mean you need to have an opinion on everything and you definitely don't want to interrupt everyone with your opinion. But if you have one, just make sure that you communicate that with ownership in mind. Third one is about creating clarity. This is something that I have definitely done to increase my assertiveness. I often find myself in situations where I don't have all the answers. Maybe I'm coming into a project or a conversation halfway through. So I've not been there from the start. And I need to have a level of assertiveness in that meeting.

5:49but I don't have all of the history. Like I've not been in every meeting that's led up to that point. So I have found a really easy, simple and authentic way for me to have more assertiveness is to be the person that creates clarity. So perhaps midway through the meeting, I might say something like, can I just pause and recap what we covered so far so we're really clear on what we need to do for the remainder of the conversation? Or at the end of a discussion, I'll say, before we go away, I just want to talk about the three decisions that we made and check in if anyone's got anything else to add.

6:26And I will find ways during the course of a conversation to create clarity. And that not only gives you assertiveness, because other people probably aren't playing that role. It also is helpful. That's why I find it quite an easy thing to do. Because often, like conversations are confusing. We all cover loads of different things, and there's lots of different insights coming in. And so to be the person that creates clarity, yes, it increases your assertiveness, but often it's just a very helpful thing for you to do for your colleagues. The fourth thing that I would suggest is to be that person who offers an alternative.

7:02So I think one of the mistakes that we can make at work sometimes is where we get into a bit of a group think and we're just all recycling knowledge we've already got and things we've already done. But if you can be the person that offers an alternative, an alternative perspective, a different way of looking at it, some insight from the outside, if you are that person, you change a conversation, you change how people are thinking. And so this might sound like you saying an alternative perspective we could have is, or a different idea that we could have to respond to this is, or actually in this company, they approach this differently.

7:47It would be interesting for us to look at it that way. Be the person that brings a different perspective into a conversation and you will automatically increase your assertiveness. and my fifth and final thing that I would suggest to increase your assertiveness is to always go into a conversation with the intention of either a question or a suggestion sometimes I put these two together so in a conversation I might say I've got a question and a suggestion and it has become a habit for me now in the meetings and conversations that I'm in so I can listen for a really long time I don't need to be the first person to speak.

8:27But at some point in that conversation, I'll say a question I have, or a suggestion I'd like to make. And as I said, sometimes it's both. I say, I've got a question and a suggestion. But it's a habitual thing for me now. And the more that you can make the suggestions that I have shared with you, a habitual part of the conversations that you are having, habitually create clarity, habitually own your opinion, habitually bring in that alternative view, that piece of perspective, the easier it is to increase your assertiveness over time. So I know that that's five ideas and I definitely don't want you to feel overwhelmed.

9:06So I would just think, where do I perhaps make a mistake today? Maybe I qualify too much. Maybe I don't own my opinion. Pick the area where you think you could improve and prioritise that alternative idea to increase your assertiveness. If you've got any feedback on this, if you try these ideas out and it works really well for you, please let us know. We're Helen and Sarah at squigglycareers.com and we love to listen and learn from our listeners, just like hopefully you are listening and learning from us.