How to Stop Being a People Pleaser Without Guilt (3 Easy Tips)

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0:58people pleasing.

1:03If you are someone who finds yourself saying yes when you really want to say no or maybe you're overwhelmed by all the other things that people want you to do and it's meaning that you're not getting on the things that are important to you it's likely that people pleasing might have become a bit of a problem for you and lots of people have this so please don't feel like you're on your own with it. But the good news is there are some very simple practical things that we can do that don't feel too scary. Don't feel like you're being too difficult a person. You can still be yourself and you can still be nice, but you can also stop people pleasing getting in your own way.

1:39So three ideas. The first one is pause before you find yourself saying yes. So very often yes becomes the default um yes i can do it yes no problem yes i can get it fixed by the end of the week like yes just becomes the immediate answer we say when someone asks us to do something and what we need to do is to make yes more of a conscious decision and the easiest way for that to happen is for you to create a pause so a statement like um appreciate the request let me come back to you once I've had a chance to think it through. Like find the sentence that feels like something you would say, but it basically is going to just buy you a bit of time so that you're not just saying yes by default and it becomes a much more conscious decision where you have thought about the implications of it.

2:29So find your pause statement that you can just say rather than just accepting whatever it is people throw you away. Because that's the first action. The second one is to start using the phrase I don't rather than I can't. So let's imagine I asked you to do something and you're thinking, well, that's a bit hard. And you say, I'm really sorry, I can't come to that meeting. If you say I can't, I can probably think about three ways in which you can. I might say, well, don't worry, you can just join remotely. Oh, don't worry, you don't need to be there for the whole thing. Just come for the first 20 minutes.

3:03I can find ways to override your I can't. Whereas if you say I don't, that is much, much more definitive. Like, oh, actually, I don't go to meetings after five o 'clock. And you don't even really have to explain things. I would be wary of over explaining the reason why you don't do something. Or you might say, oh, actually, I don't take on, you know, more than three projects at the same time. Like, it's just not something that I do. It's not how I work. If you can own the I don't, it is much harder for somebody else to try to convince you otherwise because it's what they need you to do. Now, sometimes I think that can take quite a lot of confidence.

3:42So I would really try and practice the I don't. So what are your I don'ts? So for example, I have a particular principle about being in more than I'm out. So and I don't compromise that. So that means that I'm at home for more of my children's bedtimes than I'm not. And I will often say to people, Or, oh, I don't go out more than like two nights a week because I have a prince about being at home more than I'm not for my kids. And people can't argue with that. They can't convince me otherwise. So just think about what your statements might be. I think it makes it a lot easier to say it and you're not having to think about it in the moment.

4:16And that links to the third idea to stop being a people pleaser or at least to stop people pleasing getting in your way, which is to practice your personal nocabulary. so if someone asks you to do something just saying no will be too hard that's going to feel just like you're being a difficult person and then you're never going to say that so you're just going to keep saying yes so we need a different vocabulary we need a no cablery so instead of saying no that might sound like not yet so I'd have to get involved but um I can't do that yet that could be a way um you could say um not me that could be a different way of saying no oh I can see why that needs to be done but I don't think I'm actually the best person to do it so not yet not now not me not that way is another thing um okay so I know you want me to do a presentation uh I think a different more achievable thing to do would be to write a quick email with five bullet points and see if that's you know that's the way to move this forward so not now not me uh not not then all those sorts of ways of doing things are ways that you can personalize saying no that might feel more comfortable to you.

5:27And if saying the I don't feels difficult, then I think sometimes practicing and personalizing your nocabulary can feel like an easier win. So let's summarize those three actions. The first is pause before you say yes by default. We want that to be a decision. So find that statement that helps you do that. Number two is just think about your I don'ts, those statements that I don't do that. So you don't rely on I can't as a way to stop doing things and number three work out your no capillary what are the statements that feel most authentic to you and easy for you to say in those likely situations where people are going to ask you to get involved and it might not feel like the right thing for you to do so i hope that has been helpful if you've got feedback on this format send it our way we're just helen and sarah at squigglycareers.com and we're back with our regular episodes on tuesday giving you a bit of borrowed brilliance and more squiggly shortcuts on thursdays Thank you.