spa day

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0:58Hi, Sue. Hi, Lou. Where are we today? Hi, welcome to Straight Diva. Today on the show. Today on the show, we are at Homewood Spa. We've got Winnie the Pooh. This is one of our patrons. If you join our top tier of patron, which is only£300 a month. Only£300. You get to be a guest on the podcast. Yeah. This is our top patron. He's called V-Bear, two E's. So T-H-E-E-B-E-E-A-R. And we've had such a nice weekend together. Yeah, weekend, sure, why not? We've had such a nice weekend together. Why not? I'm here at Homewood Spa. We're here at Homewood Spa in Bath, Bristol. Crucially near Bath, not in Bath.

1:47Crucially near Bath, but has its own lovely grounds with wonderful, wonderful amenities. like a pool and a vitality pool. And a bidet. And a bidet and baths. There's actually no bidets, I just wanted to say that. Steamroom, sauna. Steamroom, two saunas, vitality pool, which if you don't know, has loads of bubbles in it when you want it. And you get health insurance with it as well. And you get health insurance so we've got booper for the next three years. That's not true, that was just a joke. It was a little joke. You also get these lovely white robes which I'm debating taking but I think I'm going to leave them.

2:21There's a little dog there as well. I think I will leave them. Well, yeah, you obviously shouldn't steal a robe from the hotel that we're sponsoring in this podcast. But we would just like to chat out Emily from... Emily Baker. Who sent us here. Emily, you're a real one. And I really appreciate how you listened straight to even. You thought, do you know what these two tired, broke... Idiots. Leng, idiots need to go to a spa. And you were right. You were right. And you were absolutely right. You were right in a big way. and truth be told we were slightly scared before we came here because no shade to the Homewood website the website sorry yeah it's quite it's quite flirty quite sexy it's quite sexy it's come and unravel unravel your robe for robe clad mischief and there's pictures of bears everywhere and it's quite suggestive and we thought okay we've been invited to this spa because it's a swinger's spa and so we were pulling up there was a bunch of people sat aside and I said if I've got to fuck them all I will yeah And I was telling you, you actually don't have to do that.

3:23Yeah. You don't have to fuck anyone you don't want to. Turns out I didn't have to. Also, we were also discussing this morning how like spas are quite funny because obviously they're meant to be like tranquility, which they are. And this very much is that. But being Brits doing anything, we just got absolutely clotted. You can order respectfully, obviously. We won't be disrespectful of anyone. but yesterday yeah we just kept hoarding drinks and by the end I was like in the vitality pool having a vodka martini and a pint which vodka martini in a twist that me and my friend Lucy have coined the Sue and Lucy and I was just sat there and I was like I honestly can't even speak like I was slurring yeah I was that hammered I was slurring that's your favorite thing to do yeah I do I do like it just say how drunk you are like five pints and a vodka martini I was absolutely swatted so much so that when we went to dinner i'd sobered up and i was like having to eat like i was hung over and everyone else at this sort of outdoor pool is just reading and yeah you know relaxing i still get it nice sort of middle-aged couples you're not meant to go in the sauna when you're drunk right but it was absolutely fine wasn't it it was fine i survived and ultimately Homewood have looked after us to the top degree What's been your highlight of the weekend?

4:47I very much liked I liked this morning honestly like waking up and going to sit outside and like waiting for you to wake up and be like we're here I really enjoyed that but I did firstly I really enjoyed the steam room I think the steam room is really nice it's really good for my vocal cords Saunas are obviously in right now but maybe we need to sort of bring the steam rooms to London To be honest guys if you do fancy a little getaway, I do actually really highly recommend Homewood. This isn't Spon, by the way. They haven't paid us to say anything. There's no payment, just a free stay. Just a free stay.

5:20And a finger up the bum. And a finger up the bum. But I would just like to say I would definitely come back here. I wouldn't. Really? No. No, I probably would. I don't know how much it is for a room there. But it's, I mean, in terms of experience, treatment, I'm not really a big spa guy so I haven't been to a spa really that much in my life. But it's fantastic. What's not to love? Well, I just think, realistically, over the weekend, I'll probably spend the same amount for this room that I do on drink. Whereas I should just be like, do you know what I'm going to do Saturday night? Actually, I'm probably just going to go to a spa instead.

5:51Okay, well, I'm sure the spa are very, very happy to hear that. Yeah, thanks, Homewood. And thank you, Emily Baker. We love you very much. Thank you, Homewood. Not to be confused with Hannah Baker, who was on 13 Reasons Why. Yes, or... No, I can't say that. I've got an ex-girlfriend with the surname Baker. Okay. You keep talking. and I'm going to check it's still recorded. Okay, well, my favourite part of the weekend, thanks for asking, Sue, was getting shit-faced in the hydrotherapy pool, which was a really hot pool, and basically there were loads of different adult toys around the pool. Yes.

6:26Just loads of different sorts of jets. Yes. It was like a jacuzzi, but it was the size of a swimming pool. And there were the eggs where you just sort of sit in a pod, and it just bubbles really aggressively so much. so much that it's spilling out the pool almost like a kind of a cream pie or something yeah um weird analogy and then i'm glad you did it and then there was a big tap basically that was just like the most powerful tap water really nice on your neck yeah and then i enjoyed the lying down one where it's like bubbles all up your back yeah yeah that was gorgeous and just sitting in the pool and shooting the shit and then really um gathering some pace with our drinking thanks to bill i would say bill was kind of leading that charge and then he was going into characters and sort of walking around the place like a sort of a jock with his shoulders like yeah yeah i like that it was good um and i seem topless all day it's been nice seeing everyone in their bikinis and Louis girlfriend reveal girlfriend reveal yeah what do you think love she's so nice and she's so beautiful as well yes she's so kind wow love her that's all the podcast are getting for now okay um I did yeah I was telling you earlier that I had to sort of I got the shits last night from drinking right I don't know I don't really sometimes I do just get the shits for like two rounds and then it's like we were getting like triple fisted at dinner like we ate yeah no it wasn't food poisoning Homeward if you're listening it was just one of those where I had a bit of a rumbling tummy anyway you know I'm very happy in this relationship it's the first time I've been confronted with the shit sharing a room with her and there's obviously because it's Homeward an ensuite bathroom yeah so i was faced with the sort of discomfort of okay i do the first round sue and then i come back and then within two minutes of lying down you're going back i need to go back so then after the second round i'm like i'm just going to stay in the toilet for like an hour and i'm trying to do diarrhea it's really hard quietly yeah and there's nothing i've ever done that's as hard as that and i just wanted people to maybe take a I appreciate that.

8:55Having a quiet poo is really hard. But quiet diarrhea, it wants to come out. Yeah, it wants to come out. And you've got to let her out, but... It's like a pushing of tents and a pushing of pulp. That control of my bumhole I have sometimes astounds me. Yeah. There's a bear somewhere that's just got an erection. Have you ever had to conceal the sound of your shit? Yeah, I've worked in so many cafes where it's kind of like, the cafe's just like a door. Yeah. And everyone's just like outside of said door and I'm just there like I have been Ah! Ah! What is that? I've been here since six in the morning.

9:32It was a fly guys. Girl. I've been here since six in the morning and I got a shit brewing and I have to do it quietly. Yeah. I once went on it's such a good segue into one of our listener submitted questions today. I, when I was travelling Yeah. When I was 18 and I met my ex-Dutch girlfriend. Yeah. As in she was my ex-girlfriend. She didn't used to be Dutch. Okay. And we were in Bali together. And I contracted Bali belly. Oh, God. And I was actually just shitting right by her where we slept for like two weeks. We have to. And that's how I contracted my hemorrhoid, actually. Right. So it's like a little souvenir of that relationship.

10:24Yeah, a polyp. And the reason I said this is a good segue into one of our listeners who made a question, Sue, is because one of our listeners asked best hotel shag stories, which I don't have. But I do have the worst hotel shag story, which was with my lovely ex-Dutch girlfriend. What, did you poo? I didn't poo. there's actually two so this is this is um who i lost my virginity to okay aged 18 oh um yeah you've already said enough about that you've already said that joke it's funny yeah um first time we try is in a hostel dorm yeah um were people in there people were in there yeah so to be fair no and i did not perform okay and then um understandably so i think given the context of never having done it and being surrounded by like creepy um argentinians um no shade to the argentinians because i feel like they've got enough like the last few weeks yeah um and then uh the time we actually do end up having sex yeah um she was uh on top of me atop of me so yeah atop of you and not after her telling me she loved me when we'd only known each other a week me vibes kinda hot yeah she then sequestered crushed my very own masculinity from atop so much so that it was half black the next day she bruised your willy she bruised it have you ever got a bruised willy no it's not great but it's actually not as bad as you think it is gosh if if a one night stand not that that was a one night stand it was a lot more special than that if you're listening if a one night stand says they love you are you saying it back?

12:33yeah fuck it we're in it, we're rocking there's not really much power or wiggle room when you're Just say your bag. You're playing a game. But what if they're like, what if they're a freak and then they're like, but you said you love me. You block them. You move away. Is that Vanessa Phelps? Is that what? Vanessa Phelps. No. Right now we're looking at the spa itself, the sort of kitchen dining area where we had dinner last night. And Sue almost went west. I went really non-verbal that dinner, to be fair. because after saying to be fair telling us that you were drinking too much yeah you were a little bit you drunk and non-verbal yeah it was true and you and you did need to eat something I did I had chicken and chips but like posh and they were lovely chunky chips blah blah my best sex story I'm not going to tell in a hotel because it does include my boyfriend and it would reveal where we were and I don't want to do that to him you've said where we are Was it this weekend?

13:36No Me shagging last night Best sex story Last night Yeah No I didn't have sex last night We had a gangbang Honestly I packed all my stuff To get shagged So I packed the big alien thing Kidding And we just didn't Because I was just like So hungover By the point I went to bed I was like This is not tea So you fell straight asleep? Yeah mate Like passed out Did you dream of anything? No I was like full passed out Them ones where you're too hungover too drunk to even dream. But I knew because we had such a nice dinner and like a sugary dessert that I wouldn't be hung over. Like I knew that because I'd stopped drinking like today and like I was fine today.

14:16Yeah. Worst hotel sex story? Oh, it's actually really sad. Okay. So right now I'm like recording my next EP which is spoiler alert about my really, really bad relationship that I had at 22 because I promised myself that if I ever got a record deal and the opportunity to sing about it, I would. And I'm really beating a dead horse, but I'm fucking doing it because I promised myself I would. Why are you beating a dead horse? Well, because who cares about, like, who wants to hear about me going on about, like, I'm in a happy place, but ultimately, like, this is about a domestic abuse situation. As long as the songs bang.

14:51The songs do bang, to be fair. But I remember taking him away to Brighton. Bear in mind, I was having a breakdown. My parents booked me a night away in Brighton, Travelodge, or Premier Inn, really cheaply. And they were like, please go down there. and they were like alone and I still ended up taking because I'm a fucking dickhead and we weren't having sex because he was out there cheating, porking everyone else but me and I remember like being like we don't have sex anymore so he was like fine took me off and it was just like soft the whole time This episode is brought to you by Didi's Discounts Back to School Season is officially here and Didi's has everything on your list I'm talking bold styles, cool kicks, backpacks and even dorm room essentials.

15:33All the prices that won't hurt your wallet. So don't sleep on Dee Dee's. Whether you've got a second grader or a sophomore, Dee Dee's has your whole family covered. Find a Dee Dee's discount store near you and go check it out today.

15:52How long in a situation where you're like that? Went a while. I went a fucking while. Because I'm good at hair. This is the gag. like this is the gag oh sorry you were giving yeah um and he just hated me but it was a free night and then he was posting all over his fucking stories for everything I paid for like breakfast in Brighton and like stupid shit like that I was such fucking cunt and I girls when this EP comes out trust and believe it'll be the best break a PP of your fucking life yeah I've heard snippets I am gassed I hate that man so much so that I might even call it his name but he goes out with a girl that I know as much uh oh it's about him yeah mate not no not that I've seen that as well yeah it's about him you've met him no I have but I thought it was about no interesting yeah okay that makes more sense I suppose okay so as much as I want to ask about how long is too long to give head to a flaccid penis it went it went semi it was definitely semi well then you think it's coming and you're like oh god not cucumber um yeah as much as I want to talk about that too we should probably talk about your EP that's just come out.

17:01Oh yes, thanks, could we do that? Anyway, if anyone from the label has got this far, soz. But we are talking about it.

17:11So I'd just like to run through basically what he's tracked about really because we're in the third week of it being out and it's been the best streaming thing that I've ever done really. Like people are really listening to it. As we predicted, sinking their teeth. Exactly. Chewing on it. I'm really grateful for anyone that's listened but essentially we need to keep pushing. As Kylie Jenner said, in the moment she said the minute you feel like people are getting sick of you you keep pushing and it's true so this is me pushing sorry to interrupt you that's interesting because i feel like you always are good at saying like that's enough oh like a celebrity no needs to go and be quiet for a bit no whereas but i'm not a celebrity i need to like get to people's things true true true so i need to like keep pushing you need to earn that position yeah so i just want to maybe talk about it please um so what's what's like been your what surprised you about how it's got streams it's crazy guess this is the first song from the project the first song we wrote and it's basically about um convincing yourself that you don't need love and you've never needed love because no one's ever loved you and then realizing that you do probably need love but you're like pushing your self on people and using like everything you're worth so you're using like your body and everything right so it's kind of like do you like my body do you like my body so you basically wanted to be a skat like as long as you can remember yeah and it's basically about this mma fighter who i used to have sex with and there's a lyric that's like man said that he need me oh i said he need me i ignored his message because i was very much like that and i was actually this actually came up at emdr therapy the other day at how little fucks of a give i've give for people who i don't like love anymore or like look like i'm it's really strange like if i don't if you've really done me wrong or like i've just like fallen out of love with you i can run and go you're good at dissociating compartmentalizing yeah abandoning not abandoning that's a bit strong and then there's something called yeah right which is about being in the industry and doing loads of drugs because also i don't know if you feel the same um but when you're in london for a long time and finally get the thing that you want or like you know have been in the scene for a long time or like been around i feel like you only know yourself in this particular moment but you have been here for ages like i've been here since i was 18 it's nearly been like sorry what do you mean here london yeah london just about like meeting people and then like someone like pops off and then like someone you kind of know does really well and then you see like them not do so well and it's like weird to be reflective the whole project's really reflective and then there's a song called kiss me loads which is lovely and about love it's kind of what you spoke about last night at dinner yeah being like at bim and then all the people who are initially doing well stop doing well i've stopped or stopped doing music at all together and so like i find that like life has been this is basically what the project's really about i'm not rich enough to shame bar selling your pussy online for nothing um cammin yeah cammin it's about my live jasmine profile but it's about how you finally get the things that you want in life and you turn around to look back at the people who not that you wanted to prove yourself to but your your like acquaintances or what do they call them like not comrades what do you call it like when we're the same classmates peers yeah and like the people that you studied with at college or the people you studied with at uni or the people you studied with at school and you turn around to be like look guys I did it and no one's there because they've all moved on or quit or like and no one cares and you kind of get the thing that you want to get and then you realize that you only ever really were doing it for you but you had to go through so many places and so many people to get to where you need to be so that's what the project's really about so you should go listen to it so this is me pushing you to listen to it it's good i'm not rich enough to have shame by me so i think and thanks for being here on straight diva i appreciate it all i've been very reflective over the past few weeks and did you no i won't say that guest list is moving it's moving they're all moving i'm just like happy like guest list has like nearly like 5k streams and i know that might sound some um kylie like who's charlie says this god 5k stream stupid bitch and i'm like no actually fuck off like that is like organic 5k streams which well that's what i was gonna say in the day i wasn't getting like even in the first the first week it got like 16k streams on the project no more than that i think it's like 20k and I was like that's 20k that's 20 ,000 people have listened I find that nuts about this project this straight diva as well like people actually listen it's crazy and so I appreciate it guys and people actually listen to it and like making me their top have you got any nice messages about it oh my god all the time like every day I'm getting like a DM being like I love it there was someone pole dancing to it I'm not in love the other day shut up yeah it was sick I should have reposted it I just commented I will do that later but I was sent the video yesterday Hey Sue, could you duet with this pole dancer please?

22:04Yeah, like me just throwing one pound at the camera. But if that was you, I love you and I think you're great. But yeah, I just really wanted to talk about the project again and I'm not going to carry on talking about it because I think... No, no. Are you relieved? I am. It's out. I am relieved it's out. I feel like there was a time, especially with... Was it Yeah Right that was being teased on TikTok for ages? Ages, yeah. No, I'm not in love. I'm not in love was being teased for ages. Yeah, because we were trying to do different things. I felt a big sort of, not doom, but like frustration. That you were like, oh, I'm meant to be a musician and it feels like I'm not.

22:41Yeah. And then actually it's like... The wheels are in motion now. Yeah. And the wheels are continually motioned. We're working with some new producers, some old of the besties, the besties forever. And it's going to be good. Can you say who you're working with on the main feed? Yeah, I'm working with this guy called Lotus Kappa. I'm working with Clarence. Who's Lotus Kappa worked with? I couldn't tell you I used to work with Chloe Howell who I used to be obsessed with when I was 14 they used to actually go out so I uploaded a photo of him onto my Instagram and she replied saying not my ex-boyfriend and that was really funny and then I'm working with Clarence Clarity of Rina Sawayama fame of Rina Sawayama fame so I am going to be Rina Sawayama in a way but not signed to Dirty Hit oh kidding if Dirty Hit's got the cast and then falling out with Dirty Hit in quite a big way is she still signed with them?

23:26yeah she's got a final album to do apparently wow word on the street obviously don't know her we don't have anyone to comment on that but yeah should we move on I just want you to listen to my music if you're here and you thought oh god Sue's talking about music again like maybe just go over just listen to one song save it it's good I wonder what I wonder what the current like pie chart is of people that listen to us like how many don't know we make music at all how many listen to our music how many like the podcast and actually like I just do not care about your music sorry yeah that's true comment below actually Is there any other share of the pie?

24:01Is there anybody... That man looks nice. He was dressed nice. You can see him over there. Yeah, there's some really nice looking people here. Straight pride over here. Do you think Adidas... What are those sambas? Black and white Adidas sambas. Not the white and black ones. The black with white... Can I just shock you? Yeah. Adidas black and white sambas. I really like them. I do, yeah. Anyway, should we... So we asked what people want to talk about. So obviously we did Best Hotels to Chags.

24:32James Casper wants me to tell you about Ant-Fi to Newcastle. Yeah, please. Because that was on holiday. You were on holiday in Newcastle? Yes. Fuck me. James' ex-girlfriend, I hope it's okay to talk about this, James' ex-girlfriend, Natalia, who's also a really good friend, we're all besties at uni, it was her birthday, I can't remember how old she was, but her family were like, come up to Newcastle, stay in the house, and we'll all go on a night out. So we're like, yeah, fuck it. We had like no money. this is similar time that I was with in fact this is probably good for me similar time that I was with that awful ex of mine that I'm writing a cpo about so I was 22 so we must have been turning 22 and Natalia was one in August so she would have been turned 22 then so we're there for 22nd birthday and James is my best friend plays my band and we go out and we get like clotted and I mean like fucked up like we're fucked and then the group starts splitting up because we're with our friend Ali who's American and was a tiny bit older than us and that's no shade but she was very much about her business and basically we were all in one club she was like this club shit so they all go to this other gay bar because it was kind of like this weird night out in newcastle i blink and it's me italia and james in this bar and italia's like on the floor like passed out and i'm like frustrated because i'm like we're lost i have no idea where i am like i'm wrecked me and james are getting help with each other now bring in mind me and james have lived together now i mean we lived together for four years after this five years and we've done like tour after tour by this point we'd done like two tours together like we're very comfortable with each other anyway we go outside and I'm dressed up in a skirt and a little thing because I started like transition I was like right I need to be a girl um so I'm like dressed up in like this like little cheetah skirt this like off the shoulder who was it by Robert Cavalli top that was Italia's and I'm like but and me and James are out and Italia's still really drunk we're all really drunk to be fair and me and James are screaming in each other's faces and I I know we're screaming at each other me and James and so I get up in his face I get up in his face and he shoves me and he shoves me and obviously I'm dramatic so I go flying um so he shoves me yeah and I'm like newly a girl so James wasn't really hitting a girl he's definitely was still like no she's a she's a guy tonight and I was like yeah fair fucks James um so I go flying anyway I must have been patty patty boots because these four Newcastle divas coming ah don't push lassies and like screaming or what would they say last season it was all right yeah wow yeah and james is like she's fucking in me face man and i'm like yeah he pushed me she was yeah she was pure in me face man fuck off yeah um and then we laugh about it now but like we were fuming with each other i remember going to bed that night next to annie our friend and he was in the other bed and i was like annie i'm fuming no i'll tell you what i did after it which is the funniest bit of the whole thing spouting his corny no i start we're in Newcastle I get up Uber and I'm looking at my I type in my parents address because they live in Preston I'm like I'm getting a car I'm going home I'm getting home Newcastle to Preston James always quotes it that he goes and apparently I was just going up to everyone like don't worry I've got it because like I had like must have had like student loan that would take me home and I was like I've got it I'm going I've got it I've got money I've got it I'm going home how long is Newcastle to Preston by car for people that don't know fucking ages and it would have cost like a hundred and something quid three hours three hours me in the back of the Uber so yeah maybe I should write about that on the new project sorry but do you know what you were arguing about no I think it was just about like where everyone is and James was like we need to just like chill but I think at the base note of things at the real base note of things I was in a really bad place with my partner at the time I was like sending in money whilst I was away because it was a fucking bomb yeah and I think that was I think I was like internally angry sorry I'm sorry for that James So you're just drunk and angry and you take it out, you get belligerent, you take it out on your people around you.

28:20Yeah. That's the worst. Yeah. Unfortunately, that was me. But James, I think what I love about James Casper is me and him are best friends so much so that genuinely he could stop talking to me for six years and then he'd be like, you're right? And I'm like, you're right? Like, I really do love that, man. I love those friends. I love friends that you don't need to... Like low committal friends. Low committal friends that you don't need to, like, necessarily nurture the relationship every day. Yeah. or text all the time but then when you see each other it's just like a warm hug a cosy cup of tea you know 100 % and it's like we know where we stand with each other we'll 69 occasionally yeah and then we'll never talk about it for sure do you want another point?

29:05I would love I would love to just rim through these um how naked is too naked on the family European holiday? you should get cock out depends where you are in Europe me and me and the wife we go to nudist beaches all the time so if you ever see that we're in primavera next year you know we'll be at the nudist beach so if you do want to come see my cocky we'll probably be on the nudist beach they're the best they're so freeing i actually do hate the way that european i hate the way that the uk are about like nudity i always find that like even here like i got here and i was like oh and then i like slowly take off my robe i got like my top out for a bit and then like you know whereas like in other countries just like if you get a dick out and everyone's got dick out or funny out or whatever you've got yeah um get your butt germans will get their fucking cock out a lake yeah i know which i love which is great it's so freeing um you could tell because they're their cocks aren't like that they're more aged whereas british cock is like pale and yeah sort of childlike whereas crass if it grew in a room without any sun.

30:11Did you ever do that experiment at school? Did you ever do that experiment at school? Cress if it grew without sunlight. So like you'd grow cress in like four different, like it might have been a sunflower bean actually, but you'd grow cress or sunflowers in like different like conditions. So one would be by the window, one would be in a dark room. And I always chose a dark room because I'm a vampress. And like ours would grow really tall because it'd try and find the light, but it'd be like really pale. Mmm, that's a perfect analogy. Thank you. I'm trying to think of my favourite science experiments at school, but...

30:47Did you watch the Lady Given Birth? Yes. I was the one that had to stand outside. Oh, how gay. All I can think about is how horrible some people were to one of our biology teachers, Miss Neil. When she talked about fellow people. She said squirting wasn't real. It is real. Yeah, exactly. And that's the one that can do it. So fuck you, Miss Neil, even though you were treated too badly. Sounds a bit jealous. But sorry, just to bring it back to European nudity, completely with you, I think we're behind in that sense. Yeah. But with your family, imagine you're with your parents on holiday. I honestly wish we were an naked family, to be fair.

31:25Really? Yeah. Explains a lot. Yeah. We're quite an naked family. I'd just sit with my mum. My mum would be in the bathroom. I'd sit on the toilet and we'd just chat. I wouldn't do it now because she'd just be like, can you please just leave me alone? Angus took baths with his dad until he was 12 years old. That's nice. He's his fucking dad. He's a bit gay. I mean, it is gay, but like, yeah, I wouldn't do a bath for my dad. Me personally, I fully support your nudity journey, but I do have a bit of a weird thing about nudity with my parents, maybe. I don't know. They birthed you. I know. I don't think it should.

32:04Yeah. I just do. Oh, I don't. Not that I like, I'm not asking my dad to get naked, but if you walk past me who's naked because it's his house... I guess it's just because I really want to fuck my mum, so I'm like... Speaking of, though, what a brilliant segue. Someone else wanted us to discuss how to deal with holiday horniness and where is the best place to have a tacky wank. Well, we've sort of touched on this already, I guess. A tacky wank. The worst one... No, I don't know if it's the worst one, but it is the shower. It's the shower where you have a really... My mum used to get, well not mum used to get annoyed, but my whole family would get annoyed that I'd just be in the toilet for so long on holiday, but I was just like busting them out, honey.

32:40Did they know? Did you know? Did you know? Whether they knew or not. Also, stop interrupting me then. I'm taking my time off. Have you ever been caught? No. Neither? No, never. I've never even been caught having sex. I think people just like leave me alone. Have I? This episode is brought to you by Didi's Discounts. Back to School Season is officially here and Didi's has everything on your list. I'm talking bold styles, cool kicks, backpacks and even dorm room essentials. All the prices that won't hurt your wallet. So don't sleep on Didi's. Whether you've got a second grader or a sophomore, Didi's has your whole family covered.

33:19Find a Didi's discount store near you and go check it out today. I mean, the obvious easiest place to have a tactical wank is the toilet, right? and you've got two options, which is just on the toilet, aiming at the toilet, or sat. You can do sat in the toilet bowl. Oh, I can't have a calm wank. Yeah. For listeners, I'm sort of squatting over the toilet. I'm leaning forwards so I can sort of lift my hips up slightly. Yeah, his eyes have gone cross-side. So I'm pointed down, and then I go reverse gorilla grip. yeah really tennis elbow yeah so i'm facing down and then there's space for me to work oh i've got to take my adhd meds later i forgot to do that it's all about me here about it's adhd medication from you and rowan god fucking stupid world we live in i know um anyway i was talking about tactical wank sue um that's one thing you could do you could also wank in your bed that's a fun game and then just come on yourself and then wipe it up with an old t-shirt yeah like i like that um or you could wank in bed next to your friend while they were sleeping okay yeah i feel like that's giving sexual assault yeah that's too far um or you could ask your friend would you like to wank with me if you're sharing a door genuinely throughout my life if people did that to me i'm just like yes now i wouldn't because i've got a partner but i think there would there were so many times where i would have just been like yeah all right then sorry if they He said what?

35:00Would you like to wank with me? I'd say yeah, go on. Well, I've done it before, but I wouldn't do it again. Did it when I was very young and naive? It was gay though, wasn't it? If you don't know the story I'm referring to... Go look at the one where we sat in Victoria Park. What episode was that? It's called Formative Wanks. Formative Wanks. Listen to Formative Wanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of our most watched episodes. It is a goodie.

35:28Hang on. you're wearing the same shorts I believe oh yeah I am yeah right are you ready this is a biggie the year I moved to another country this year I moved to another country for a year abroad for my studies had my first one night stand in this time but to get to his house we only had a bike me thinking his fat was a 10 minute cycle away I agreed for him to cycle to me at the back of it it wasn't 10 minutes away it was fucking 45 minutes away luckily I felt like I already really trusted this guy and could tell it was nothing dodgy his flat was so bougie he lived alone and had lego set lego sets displayed in cute geeky things I don't know why this made me feel a bit more safe we had both sobered up by this point but the attraction and he was still there and we still slept together we stayed up talking for a while and it's suddenly around 10 a.m.

36:19I really couldn't fall asleep so the only natural thing I do was leave without saying goodbye of course I feel bad because this guy cycled me all the way but I just had to leave and this event I couldn't sit down for a week not from the sex but because my arse is bruised from me sitting on the bike so long okay so you lived my dream how's that how's that oh I like that you wrote that all to us that was a very nice story I enjoy I enjoy being the village bike yeah that's all they just wanted to tell us a story and i like that and i really like that well so i guess the i guess the the thing that she feels guilty about is leaving without saying goodbye although she kind of sounded like she cleared it up and justified it what what is your stance on that i there are times i mean i think about so many people that like i've come back to my house and like i wish they didn't say fucking goodbye just fucking leave my house agreed what's worse It's lingerer or...

37:20Lingerer. Oh, worse than anything. Even friend lingerer. Go home. Oh, my God. Unless we've said, like, let's do the weekend together. Why are you still at my house at 3 p.m.? I love that we know when we're ready to leave. Yeah, for sure. How have I been this trip? Yeah, good. How have I been this trip? Really good. I felt like I was given a bit, like, Mardi last night, but I was just depleted. Yeah, but it's quite funny. I had no sugar or salt. I do say to everyone, I'm like, guys, I'm going to go nonverbal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I won't be able to look anyone in the eye for this whole meal. You're aware of it while it's happening.

37:50You make a joke about it. Yeah. And I'll cheer up in when I can. What's like the... Well, I'll give you mine for you. Okay. Your number one spa activity... Yeah. ...is making an obscene amount of effort to thank the server for clearing... Oh, my God, I know. ...glasses, whether it's by the pool or whether it's at the restaurant. Oh, my God, thank you, baby. How was your day today? That's me, though. Yeah, are you okay? When are you finishing tonight? You've got the day off tomorrow. Yeah, and the server was adopting a dog. Now, I love the two Georges on reception. Love. Oh, my God. I even called them to change the reservation because I was at the pool and didn't want to move.

38:29And I was like, is this one of the Georges? George just came out from under the stairs by receptionist. Don't mind me just hiding under the stairs. That's sick. So there's a lot of laughs here at the spa. There's a Louis who's moving to London to ICMP to do vocal production. And we need to shout out Louis because he has a music project Oh do you know it? Yeah Rowan got it off him Listen to Anything for anyone And their project Evening 5 Oh no or 5 evenings 5 evenings Anything for anyone He said it was like calm music for sitting on a veranda with your dog Oh that's so nice He's so lovely And he's moving to ICMP which I was meant to do But I went to BIM instead I don't know which one ICMP is.

39:15Kilburn vibes. Killy. Killy, so I'm glad I didn't goo. Not that I've got anything against Kilburn. I do like Kilburn, but... You would have got rushed by Killy Utes. What was the question? I don't think there was one, my love. Oh, it was about leaving the next morning. Yeah, I don't think beat yourself up too much about it. I would just, I would say a nice text here can go a long way. And thank you so much for a lovely evening. Songs that remind you of specific holidays. Now, I used to go to Bulgaria, which we've been through many a time, we used to go every year, but there was a song, do you know, wave after wave, wave after wave.