The science of gratitude and happiness with Sonja Lyubomirsky

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2:52Now available in Canada too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e.com slash TEDHealth for free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash TEDHealth. This is TEDHealth, a podcast from TED, and I'm your host, Dr. Shoshana Ungerleiter. I'm a board certified practicing internal medicine physician. One thing I've learned over the years is that quality sleep makes my life immeasurably better. And that sounds obvious. Most of us know that we feel better after a good night's sleep. We're less irritable. We think more clearly. Things that felt overwhelming the day before somehow seem a little more manageable in the morning.

3:31But still, sleep is one of those things that's easy to take for granted until we stop getting enough of it. And the thing is, we're still trying to understand exactly how and why sleep has such a big impact on the human body, which is what caught my attention this week. Over the last decade or so, scientists have been learning more about something called the glymphatic system. It's a series of pathways in our brains that clears out metabolic waste from our nervous system. It's a relatively new area of research, and one I definitely didn't learn about in medical school. They're still studying exactly how the glymphatic system works in humans, but I've heard some researchers describe it as the brain taking out the trash.

4:13And I really like that image because it's simple. Our brains are constantly active. Every thought, memory, movement, and conversation requires enormous amounts of energy. That activity leaves behind byproducts that need to be cleared away, which is where the glymphatic system steps in. And recent studies of animals suggest that sleep may be one of the times when that cleanup process really gets going. What strikes me is how different that idea is from what many of us were taught growing up. Sleep was often framed as just downtime, like a pause or a period when nothing much was happening. Now we're beginning to understand that sleep may be a remarkably active biological state.

4:58Again, this is an evolving field. There are still really important questions to work out. Scientists are working to understand how findings from animal models translate to people and what role these systems may play in aging and diseases that affect the brain. But even with those uncertainties, I find the broader message really compelling. Sleep isn't simply the absence of wakefulness. Something important is happening while we're lying there in the dark. And maybe that's part of why so many of us feel the difference when we get enough of it. And it also made me think about a broader theme that runs through so many conversations in health.

5:35We spend a lot of time focused on what we do, the actions we take, the goals we pursue, and even the habits we build. But sometimes we overlook what's already there. And often the things that matter most are the things we stop noticing. And it's funny, over the years, both in medicine and in my own life, I've noticed how often we assume the most important things will be the biggest things. Major milestones, the breakthroughs, the moments we'll remember forever. But that's not always how life works. Sometimes what shapes us most is much quieter. It's a good night's sleep, a conversation that changes how we see something.

6:18A friend who picks up that phone. What reading about the glymphatic system reminded me is that some of the most important processes in our lives happen outside our awareness. We don't see them working. We don't think about them very much, but they're there. And maybe that's true beyond biology too. The relationships that sustain us. The moments that become memories. The opportunities we almost didn't take. A lot of what makes a life meaningful doesn't announce itself when it's happening. And that brings us to today's TED Talks. The two you're about to hear explore different aspects of that idea of finding humanity in the details.

7:01The first talk begins with a question that sounds simple enough. What would make you happy? Most of us probably have an answer already. Maybe it's reaching a goal or getting good news, finding that right relationship, or finally achieving something we've been working toward for years. But what if happiness doesn't work quite the way that we think it does? This TEDx lesson starts with a familiar assumption and then gently challenges it, inviting us to reconsider some deeply held beliefs about what makes a life feel rich, meaningful, and fulfilling. For me personally, I'd put a good night's sleep high on that list.

7:39Here's your TED-Ed lesson of the day. What would make you happy? Can you imagine a milestone, a win, or even a material possession that would unlock this feeling? In this animated version of David Steindlhuss' popular TED talk, Brother David explains how a simple adjustment in how you move through the world might just change what you see, how you feel, and how you act.

8:07Now, my topic is gratefulness. What is the connection between happiness and gratefulness? Many people would say, well, that's very easy. When you are happy, you are grateful. But think again. Is it really the happy people that are grateful? We all know quite a number of people who have everything that it would take to be happy, and they are not happy because they want something else, so they want more of the same. And we all know people who have lots of misfortune, misfortune that we ourselves would not want to have, and they are deeply happy. They radiate happiness. They are surprised. Why? Because they are grateful.

8:59Now, we can ask, what really do we mean by gratefulness? And how does it work? Something's given to us that's valuable to us. And it's really given. These two things have to come together. It has to be something valuable and it's a real gift. And when these two things come together, then gratefulness spontaneously rises in my heart. Happiness spontaneously rises in my heart. That's how gratefulness happens. Now, the key to all this is that we cannot only experience this once in a while. We can be people who live gratefully. And how can we live gratefully? By experiencing, by becoming aware that every moment is a given moment, as we say.

9:58It's a gift. You have no way of assuring that there will be another moment given to you. And yet, that's the most valuable thing that can ever be given to us. this moment with all the opportunity that it contains. Does that mean that we can be grateful for everything? Certainly not. We cannot be grateful for violence, for war, for oppression, for exploitation. On the personal level, we cannot be grateful for the loss of a friend, for unfaithfulness, for bereavement. But I didn't say we can be grateful for everything. I said we can be grateful in every given moment for the opportunity. And even when we are confronted with something that is terribly difficult, we can rise to this occasion and respond to the opportunity that is given to us.

11:00So how can each one of us find a method for living gratefully, not just once in a while being grateful, but moment by moment to be grateful? How can we do it? It's a very simple method. Stop, look, go. That's all. But how often do we stop? We rush through life. We don't stop. We miss the opportunity because we don't stop. We have to stop. We have to get quiet. And we have to build stop signs into our lives. And when you stop, then the next thing is to look. You look. You open your eyes. You open your ears. You open your nose. You open all your senses for this wonderful richness that is given to us.

11:53There is no end to it. That is what life is all about. to enjoy, to enjoy what is given to us. But then we can also open our hearts, our hearts for the opportunity, for the opportunities also to help others, to make others happy because nothing makes us more happy than when all of us are happy. And when we open our hearts to the opportunities, the opportunities invite us to do something. And that is the third. Stop, look, and then go. and really do something. And what we can do is whatever life offers to you in that present moment. There is a wave of gratefulness because people are becoming aware how important this is and how this can change our world.

12:44Because if you're grateful, you're not fearful. If you're not fearful, you're not violent. If you're grateful, you act out of a sense of enough and not of a sense of scarcity, and you're willing to share. If you're grateful, you're enjoying the differences between people, and you're respectful to everybody, and that changes this power pyramid under which we live. What we need is a networking of smaller groups, smaller and smaller groups who know one another, who interact with one another, and that is a grateful world.

13:26Our next speaker, Sonia Leobomirsky, has spent decades studying happiness and the science of what helps people flourish. In this talk, she explores how our relationships, acts of kindness, and social connections contribute to a happier and more meaningful life. And now, Sonia Leobomirsky takes the TED stage. I'm a happiness scientist, and I've been a happiness scientist for 36 years. For my entire professional career, I've been obsessed with learning the secrets to being a happy person. With trying to answer the question, can anyone become happier? Now, how do we even study something like that?

14:06Well, in 1998, my lab pioneered what we call happiness interventions. Happiness interventions are experiments with human participants. Over the years, we've done dozens of these experiments. testing where their practices like expressing gratitude or doing acts of kindness or simply acting like an extrovert made people happier. And they do under the right conditions. My students and I spent decades doing these experiments. This work made my career. And yet I realized that I hadn't really been listening to what the data were trying to tell me. And then it finally clicked. it dawned on me that almost all of the interventions that work to make us happier, they work precisely because they help us feel more connected to and loved by others.

14:57So writing a gratitude letter to my mom makes me feel more loved by her. And doing an act of kindness for my colleague makes me feel closer to him. In other words, what I learned is that to be a better happiness scientist, I had to become a love scientist. Because as it turns out, the key to happiness is feeling connected and loved. And I know that sounds like a cliche, but many powerful ideas do once you distill them. The real challenge and opportunity is how to put it into practice. So then how do we connect? Well, we can connect through touch or dance or eye contact. But let's face it, in Western culture, in many cultures actually, we mostly connect by talking.

15:45Yet here's the problem with our social world today. Even when we're talking, we all have walls around us. There are walls around our friends, colleagues, neighbors, even family. We build those walls to protect ourselves, yet they also keep us from ever really letting anyone in. They keep us from becoming truly known. So this is literally my number one happiness tip. The one thing I wish everybody knew, we will feel more loved if we become more known. If we learn to talk to people in a way that takes down the walls between us. The secret is super simple, yet I think massively profound. If you do one thing today to be happier, let it be this.

16:28Approach your next conversation differently from what you've done before. First, by sharing from the heart. You take down your walls by sharing something real about yourself, not just your highlight reel. Whether with your best friend, colleague, or first date, be brave enough to let others see the real you. Here's a simple practice. Start small. Pacing is really important. So don't immediately share your deepest secret or trauma. If you go deep too fast, everyone's walls will come right back up again. Instead, in the beginning, maybe say something honest, like, I've had a rough day, instead of I'm fine.

17:07Recent studies show that people will like you more when the conversation is deeper as opposed to shallower. Two, you help the other person lower their walls when you listen to them in order to learn not to respond. Quiet your voice so theirs can be heard. So during your next conversation, instead of mentally rehearsing your story, try to listen like there's going to be a quiz tomorrow. Furthermore, ask one more question that you'd normally ask. Like, how did that really feel? Such questions signal that you're right there with them. When was the last time someone asked you a real question about your life?

17:50It's rare. Yet research shows that people yearn to be asked, and those who ask questions are better liked. And yet you've probably all had this experience. Someone talks at you for an hour, tells you their whole life story, then walks away knowing nothing about you. Am I right? That's not what I meant. Sharing and listening hold hands. If you only share, it's a monologue. If you only listen, it's an interview. But when you do both, that's when the magic happens. And that's it. It's really that simple. By sharing a little more and listening a little deeper, all of us can learn to take the walls down.

18:31If we do, we'll know one another better. We'll feel more loved and we'll help the people in our lives feel more loved too. Thank you.

18:47that was Sonia Leobomirsky at TED Next in 2025 what I appreciate about these two talks is how naturally they fit together our TED lesson reminds us to notice and appreciate the gifts that already exist in our lives Sonia's work helps explain why some of those gifts especially our relationships with other people matter so profoundly for our well-being. And both ideas connect back to the science we talked about at the beginning of the show. Whether we're thinking about sleep, gratitude, or connection, the common theme is that some of the most important forces shaping our health are easy to overlook.

19:24The brain performs essential housekeeping while we sleep. Gratitude can transform an ordinary moment when we stop long enough to recognize it. Relationships are built through small acts of attention, kindness, and presence over time. None of these things are particularly flashy, right? But they're so important. The more we learn about health, the more it seems tied to the ordinary human experiences of rest, appreciation, belonging, and connection. Things that can feel simple until they're missing. And perhaps that's the invitation in all of today's conversations. to pay a little more attention to what's already supporting us every day.

20:04And that's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. TED Health is a podcast from TED, and I'd love to hear your thoughts about this episode. Send me a message on Instagram at ShoshanaMD. This episode was produced by me, Shoshana Ungerleiter, and Jess Shane. Edited by Alejandra Salazar and fact-checked by Vanessa Garcia-Woodworth. Special thanks to Maria Lages, Farrah Degrunge, Daniela Balarezo, Constanza Gallardo, Tansika Sangmarniwang, and Roxanne Heilash.