Your relationship expectations could be holding you back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile

0:02This is TED Health, a podcast from the TED Audio Collective, and I'm your host Dr. Shoshana Ungerleider. Relationships are supposed to be hard. At least that's what we've all been told. But what if the real problem isn't love itself, but the expectations we've absorbed about how love is supposed to look? Couple therapist Stephanie R. Yates Anya Vile has spent years helping people navigate love, conflict, and connection. And she's here to flip the script on what makes a relationship successful. Whether you're in a partnership, looking for one, or just want to strengthen your closest connections, this talk challenges the rules for what we take for granted and offers a healthier, more realistic approach to love.

0:51Forget what's normal. This is about what actually works. And spoiler alert, the best relationship advice might just be the advice you least expect. But before we dive in, a quick break to hear from our sponsors.

1:14And now, Stephanie R. Yates' Anya Buile takes the TED stage. I'm a couples therapist and an absolute romance theme. I'm talking about everything from The Notebook to Twilight to a show some of you may remember called The Flavor of Love. It's a reality competition show where the prize was the love of Flava Flav. I think about relationships a lot, and something that comes up a lot in my work is this belief that relationships are hard. And we believe that due to one primary reason. Our metric of success is based on what we've seen everyone else do. Imagine how you would honestly feel if you heard the following about another couple.

1:59Okay, I said honestly, okay? I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. They claim they never want to get married. I don't think they ever plan to live together. Would you think to yourself it sounds like they have some serious issues? If we're honest, a lot of us would. And it's not because we're not open-minded, but we've been taught that these are warning signs for a relationship in trouble. And while they can be for a lot of people, that is not always the case. Relationship experts have found that one of the primary obstacles that couples face are their own expectations. When we compare ourselves to societal norms, we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner, as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short.

2:52Now, before we really get into this, I have to say that some of us have to reckon with the fact that we may be with the wrong person. And that will be clear if your deepest desire is that your partner change fundamental aspects of who they are. You really want them to be a different person. But if you're confident that you're with the right person and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied, we may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships is the key to actually having one. I work with couples every day, and I help them through relational crises. I remember I was working with an engaged couple for about a year, and when they first came to me, they said, we're 95 % good, we just want to address the 5%.

3:40And I hear something to this effect often when I first meet a couple. It turns out that 5 % was more like 75 % and increasing. They were struggling to make a blended family work. One partner had kids, the other one had never lived with kids before, and they moved in together after only knowing each other for three months.

4:05One time I went on vacation, and by the time I got back, they'd called off their wedding. But why? Their love was honestly, it was evident, and they were not cruel to each other. Their issue was figuring out how to continue building their romantic relationship while also figuring out how to raise teenagers who, to be honest, already had two very involved parents. They weren't really in need of a third. After a particularly big blow up over chores and responsibilities, I finally asked a dangerous question. I said, do you think that living together has hurt or helped your relationship more? We took a few weeks to explore that question, and they decided to test it out.

4:50They got a short-term lease on an apartment nearby for the partner who didn't have kids, and we were really strategic. We made a contract. Let's talk about dates. Let's talk about expectations while you guys are living separately. And by the time they came back to me, I'd never seen them communicate so well. They said that they were looking forward to every weekend that they got to spend together. It felt like a vacation because they would spend the entire week planning their time together and savoring every moment they had together. They also found that their individual relationships with the kids drastically improved without the pressure of trying to transition them into an entirely new household dynamic, especially when they only had a couple years left in the house.

5:36So at this point, some of you may be asking yourselves, what kind of couples therapist recommends that couples live apart? That's a fair question. And to be honest, for a majority of my clients, this solution would not work. And that is the point. When we're thinking about our relationships, we have to avoid focusing on what is normal. There's no such thing as normal when we're talking about two unique individuals with their own backgrounds and their own values. For this particular couple, they had to figure out a way to separate their romantic relationship from what really boiled down to roommate issues.

6:15And they had a circumstance that supported the option to live apart. One conflict that comes up a lot in my work is the difference in values between arriving on time and arriving looking and feeling your best. Neither one is wrong. But I had a great model for this with my parents. When I was growing up, we drove absolutely everywhere separately. Everywhere. You know, if you're going to be a little bit late, you arrive with my mom, and if you're arriving on time, you go with my dad. They had two minivans for only two kids. Okay? We didn't go anywhere together. And one time when I was about 12 years old, one of my closest friends finally worked up the courage to ask me about it.

7:03And I could tell she was so nervous. Like, I was about to reveal to her that my parents were secretly separated and she just figured it out. You know, now that I think about it, I bet her mom put her up to this. What's interesting is that her parents did go on to get divorced, and my parents stayed together for 23 years before my mom passed away. Now, do I think that's due to them commuting separately? Of course not. But I think it shows us two things. First, it shows us that any deviation from the norm can be met with curiosity and even judgment. It also shows us that sometimes when we decide to do things a little differently, we can avoid the difference between having a really challenging day as a couple or a smooth day by simply accepting our differences not as a couple, but as individuals.

7:57Instead of trying to change our partners, what if we instead embraced their differences, our difference in values, and released the pressure of doing what everyone else is doing? It's okay to be a stay-at-home dad. It's okay if you prefer to travel without each other. It's okay if you need to have your own bedrooms so you can maintain personal space and be sane for each other. It's okay if you want to break tradition and create a new last name. It's okay if you want to share your love on social media, but it's also okay if you want to protect it from public opinion. It's okay if you're in a season of life where you both just cannot prioritize sex.

8:40It's okay if people are confused about your relationship. It was never theirs to understand in the first place.

8:52If we continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard, then we'll continue to do nothing about it. If our relationships feel hard, I encourage us to reflect on what is hard about it. Is it really the relationship, or is it external factors like our own personal trauma histories or work stress? If it really is your relationship, let's really think about what you and your partner are willing to do differently to enjoy it again. I want us to reject everything we've ever known about relationships and challenge ourselves to create a relationship that not only defies expectations, but honors the peculiarities that make us us.

9:36Thank you.

9:46That was Stephanie R. Yates' Anya Brille at TED Next 2024. And that's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. TED Health is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced by me, Dr. Shoshana Ungerleiter, and Jess Shane. Edited by Alejandra Salazar and fact-checked by Vanessa Garcia-Woodworth. Special thanks to Maria Lages, Farrah Degrange, Daniela Balareso, Constanza Gallardo, Tansika Sang Marnivong, and Roxanne Hilash. If you enjoyed today's episode, rate and review the show on your favorite platform. It helps other people to find us. And I'd really love to hear your feedback.

10:27Send me a message on Instagram at ShoshanaMD.