How to make parenting less lonely | Stacey McLachlan

0:02You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. Writer, educator, and comedian Stacey McLachlan watched it happen to friend after friend. They'd have a kid and then slowly vanish from her social life. I had seen so many of my friends during my childless phase of my life disappear once they became parents themselves. disappear into a black hole of parenthood. When she got pregnant herself a few years ago, she braced for that same isolation, the kind her cousin once summed up as the loneliest decade of my life. As it happens, the research backs her cousin up.

0:44That feeling is incredibly common, and it's not just a bummer, it's a genuine health issue. An 80-year Harvard study found that the biggest indicator of success, longevity, happiness isn't wealth. It isn't status. It isn't how many abs you have. It is relationships. In this talk, Stacey tells the very funny story of how she refused to disappear and stumbled into a surprisingly simple fix for parental loneliness. It started with a stubborn idea. What if she just brought her daughter along to everything and eventually it became something bigger? What really needs to happen is there just needs to be a bar designed for babies.

1:27That's it. Of course. Stacey makes the case that the early years of parenting don't have to be so lonely. Her solution is almost comically simple, but it points at something we've lost and might be able to get back. That's coming up right after a short break.

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4:23And now, our TED Talk of the day. My cousin Beth has a 10-year-old daughter named Birdie, and she might be the most interesting child alive. She does karate. She gardens. She makes stop-motion animation films. She's a renaissance woman. I think we can all agree. But even though she is obviously amazing company, and while Beth is obviously pretty fond of her, Beth still had a pretty socially isolating experience as a parent. Or as she put it, I've just had the loneliest decade of my life. Beth isn't alone in her aloneness. A study by Action for Children of 2 ,000 people found that 68 % of parents felt isolated from their friends after having kids.

5:0968%. Let me do some quick math for you, break it down, because I'm basically a woman in STEM, as you can tell from the glasses. is. That's more than half. Almost 75%. Almost three quarters. It's a lot. It's a lot. Another 40 % felt unsupported in their parenthood. A different study in the UK found that half of mothers under 30 felt lonely often or always. That sucks. Needless to say, I was a little bit nervous about that isolation when I got pregnant myself four years ago. That's right, I'm a teen mom.

5:51It wasn't just Beth's dire warning. It wasn't just the statistics. It was that I had seen so many of my friends during my childless phase of my life disappear once they became parents themselves, disappear into a black hole of parenthood. It wasn't that our friendships fell apart because I was jealous of the attention the babies were getting, although obviously that's a small part of it. It was that when somebody has kids and you don't, you just fall out of sync. You can't do the same sort of things together that you always used to. You can't bring your baby along to the pottery studio where you're failing miserably.

6:31You can't take them along with you to your improv class. You can't bring them out for drinks with the gals. When you do, you're either stressed out that you're ruining everyone else's fun, you're either going on Reddit afterwards and learning that some people think of children at restaurants as crotch goblins. It's not encouraging. It's absolutely easy for parents to shrink away from their usual activities and environments even after the tough newborn days are over. It's not just inconvenient to lose those friendships. It's unhealthy. An 80-year Harvard study found that the biggest indicator of success, longevity, happiness isn't wealth.

7:16It isn't status. It isn't how many abs you have. It is relationships. Not how popular you are, but how many close relationships you have in your life. How many people care about you, follow up with you, are invested in your life? Who's laughing with you and fighting with you and reminding you that an eight-pack is not realistic? Stacey. This isn't just a personal problem. It's a collective one. So that's right. Whether you have kids or not, this is your issue too. Deal with it. Bad news. Because parenthood and loneliness, it's an epidemic that affects us all. Close relationships, close adult relationships, are the social glue that holds all of this together.

8:03It's how care is shared, how information travels, how we all are prevented from falling through the cracks. So when we quietly push parents out of social situations or social spaces, we're actually damaging the social web that holds us all together. This is high stakes. Okay? Okay. So when I got pregnant, I wasn't thinking about that big picture, though. I was mostly thinking, how many cups of coffee can I drink without giving my child an extra set of arms? And then when I wasn't worried about that, I was like, oh no, do I still get to go do the things that I love to do? Who cares about the crumbling web of society?

8:44I just don't want to be relegated to mom-only activities. Yes, I'm amazing at singing wheels on the bus, but I don't want to do it all the time. Luckily, I was stubborn enough to wonder, what if I didn't have to? After all, the way I'd been raised, I viewed parenthood as a social endeavor. I grew up in the 80s, so pretty free range. I lived in a townhouse complex where we had a big communal backyard, a playground. All the kids roamed around, a feral pack of capri sun-fueled little animals. There was always an adult watching us from one of the balconies up top, but more often than not, the parents were down there in the yard with us, making margaritas for each other, sharing gossip, taking turns yelling at us to stop playing Power Rangers in the garden bed.

9:34A communal experience. That courtyard was an important third space. A third space is what sociologists call that gathering place that isn't home and isn't work. In our third space courtyard, we experienced multi-generational fun. Parents could enjoy being parents responsibly, responsible amount of margaritas, while simultaneously embracing the joys of adulthood. A cold drink, an inappropriate joke, commiseration and community. And call me delusional, but I thought that was possible. I thought it was still possible to have that community, to have friendship, to be a parent, and not abandon the friends I had before I entered that stage in my life.

10:22I didn't want the loneliest decade of my life. I didn't want to have to choose between my kid activities and my parent activities. In cities, though, that's tricky. There isn't always that big communal courtyard waiting for you or a safe cul-de-sac for everyone to gather in. Living here in Vancouver, I realized I'd have to be intentional about creating that experience myself. So, flashing back! Time travel. So four years ago. The daughter is born. Her name is Coco. That will probably come up later. I'm with Coco. We're not just going to the Mamma Mia sing-along classes, although I'm crushing it when I do.

11:00I'm bringing her along to all my adult social activities, whether she is welcome or not. I'm taking her to the cool wine bar. I'm taking her to trivia nights. I'm bringing her to a pro wrestling show. She's got headphones. it's responsible. I just refuse to be left out. She is my plus one to everything. And that works pretty well when she's portable and strapped to me. But when she starts to crawl and then walk and then run and then climb, things get a little more awkward, which is how I find myself at a sports bar trying to have a happy hour drink with a friend. I find myself sprinting away from the IPA and the gossip, both juicy, to make sure Coco isn't falling off a bar stool, to make sure she's not stealing french fries from another table, or bonking her head on a corner, or trying to work a shift behind the bar.

11:58I'm trying so hard to squeeze my parent self into this, the adult identity that I've left behind, but I spend most of happy hour apologizing to the bartender that my 18-month-old has tried to tap her keg. It's on the fifth rescue mission, though, that I realize I'm not inappropriate for trying to bring my child here. What really needs to happen is there just needs to be a bar designed for babies.

12:30That's it. Of course. In other parts of the world, this is not such a risque idea. If you've been to the UK, you've probably seen kids running around underfoot at the local pub. In Australia, any cool restaurant or brewery worth its salt has an amazing playground for the kids to play in. McDonald's play-play style. I've been so jealous of friends who've gone to Spain and sent me pictures of having a civilized espresso at the in-playground espresso bar. Why don't we have that? it's not time out to say obviously you don't need to drink to have a good time and if you are watching a child you should obviously be responsible with that drinking blah blah blah blah blah blah the important thing I'm trying to say is that multi-generational social spaces are important they're more vibrant oh we got a little applause let's go they are important

13:36They're more vibrant, more human, more alive. When we age segregate our social activities, when we shun the crotch goblins, we all get lonelier, whether you are a parent or not. Don't you miss your parent friends? Don't you want them to come out too? So as I'm trying to stop Coco from flair bartending, my wheels are turning. I'm imagining a dream bar in Vancouver where my child and my adult friends can all have a good time together in a shared space. It's designed with, you know, soft corners. Not a lot of things to stick your fingers into. Not tippy-toppy bar stools. Maybe some sort, I don't want to use the word cage, but some way to sort of contain gates.

14:21Gates is the word we're looking for. Toys. And of course, craft beer on top. Most importantly, implicit permission for the kids to run wild so the adults can finish a conversation. Maybe it's called Toddlers with a Z. I'm still workshopping it. I'm a magazine editor, not a restaurateur, but I can't stop thinking about the idea of a kid-friendly bar. Obviously, opening up an establishment of my own is not in the budget right now, but what I can do is I can send an email. So I stumble across a cocktail tasting room that has, it's bright and airy. Feels fun for the whole family. There's a lot of, like, Scandinavian-style furniture, so very, like, rounded and soft and low.

15:05It's good. So I send an email, and the owner gets back to me the same day to say, I have a two-year-old, and this sounds amazing. Let's do it. So it was nice. Fellow soldier in the trenches. Toddlers is not polling well as a name informally, so I move on to the idea of calling it witching hour. It's a phrase that parents often use to describe that emotional time between, you know, nap time and dinner where the children are, again, to use a scientific term, maniacs. Emotional, irrational, wobbly. You are looking for something to do. Witching hour. So I call the event that, and I sell out in a day.

15:51And the thing is, these are not just pity buys from my friends. These are strangers who want to come have a drink with me and my baby, which means I'm committed to making this a reality. Whoops! So I go buy a slide off Facebook Marketplace. I pack up a bag of toys. I head to the cocktail lounge to transform it into a poor man's playground. And once I've trapped the bartender's sort of gate-gate, they're in there, they're stuck, I have a drink and I sit back and wait for 60 tiny new friends to arrive. Allison is the first person through the door, somebody I hadn't met before, and she has arrived with two children in tow, and she's taken the bus.

16:33Or should I say buses? She took three buses from the suburbs, a 90-minute transit trip with two kids. That is no small feat. Many people's idea of a nightmare. But she thought the trip was worth it for what is really a stupid, simple idea. Let the kids come too. She thinks that's worth that incredible journey because she wants to be around, as she says, people who get it. And the room is full of them that day. It's a scene, I will tell you. The kids are enjoying a night out, that's for sure. Fishy crackers are flying. Like any good party, at least one person takes their shirt off. The children, the children.

17:20But no one's panicked. Everyone's relaxed. It is such a wonderful laid-back atmosphere, and not just because all the parents have a pillow by their hands. It's because we've given everyone permission to be themselves. The kids are free to be kids, and the parents are free to be people. Allison and her little ones aren't the only ones who have a good time. I'm having a ball. Not only am I mixing and mingling in this wonderful environment with my new friends, but I also have childless friends in the neighborhood who pop in to join me for a drink. We're all having a great time. I'm only singing Wheels on the Bus if I want to.

17:58And unlike my friends who have disappeared from social life once they had a kid, I feel more entrenched in the community than ever. I feel like my old self, my normal self. My life feels bigger, not smaller. And in a room like this, it's impossible to imagine having the loneliest decade of your life. We go on to run Witching Hour more than 30 times. at Please Beverage Co., but also other bars throughout the city. We kind of move it around neighborhood to neighborhood with effusive praise everywhere I go. I cannot stress enough how much patting on the back I am getting for literally just bringing a bag of Duplo to the bar.

18:35I am a hero. I am a god. It's almost embarrassing because I'm just like, really, I just sent an email, brought a bag. But I'm not here to brag. I'm not here to brag. I am here to tell you there is a hunger and an enthusiasm for multi-generational third spaces in our city. People want spaces where kids and adults can connect and be themselves together. In cities, there are restaurants, pubs, cafes, art workshops. Where do you go that you have your adult social life happen? So many of those are just not really accessible to parents of young kids. opportunity to visit those spaces vanishes because they're not always built for families, either implicitly or explicitly.

19:25You could be like me and just shoehorn yourself in there anyways, take your baby to the stadium and change her on the floor of the bathroom to the delight of sports fans. But more often than not, the prospect of navigating adult spaces is exhausting when you have a little one in tow. Physical spaces aren't always accommodating. Behavioral expectations can be draining to navigate. If you don't have the resources for child care to keep up your usual social pace, it's absolutely easier to just stay home. Or you spend all your social hours on the sidelines of the t-ball game and the karate club. Parental loneliness is obviously just one small slice of a larger loneliness epidemic that I think we're all quite familiar with.

20:14but it's such a solvable one. Let the kids come too. So if you don't mind a teen mom like me telling you what to do, let's get practical. Businesses, one night a month. Make it family friendly. How hard is that? Parents, email your favorite watering hole and ask if you can bring a couple dozen of your little guys along with you. Other parents will come. I promise Allison will be there for sure. Designers and city planners, can we be making spaces within our city that invite multi-generational interaction? And everybody else, remember the kids in your life and the people who raised them, the people you love, deserve a night out, maybe even a drink, just as much as you do.

21:01I don't want a bar for babies because toddlers need to appreciate a well-made pilsner. I want them because I remember a time where kids were just around and they didn't ruin anyone's fun. A time where adults talked over our heads, kept an eye out for each other, didn't vanish from each other's social life just because a baby came into the picture. The townhouse complex I grew up in was a really vital part of my happy childhood. That third space was pivotal in our good times. For my parents, it was a really important part of their parenthood too and made it a really joyful, communal, connected experience.

21:41one that fostered friendships that my parents still hold today. All Witching Hour does is ask, what if we brought that feeling back to our communities? What if instead of losing people to parenthood, we made room for them and their sticky little plus ones at the table, or I guess, the bar? Thank you.

22:08That was Stacey McLaughlin at TEDx Vancouver, 2026.

22:30Emma Taubner, and Tanzika Sungmarnivong. Additional support from Daniela Ballarezzo, Christopher Faze-Bogan, Valentina Bohanini, Banban Chang, Brian Green, and Lainey Lott. Learn more at podcasts.ted.com. I am Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feet. Thanks for listening.

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