My bank called in the middle of my TED Talk | Mike Albo

0:03You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hugh. Oh gosh, I just got a really alarming text from my bank. Did you pick up your phone for the 800th time that day, empty of emotion but still feeling a deep, lonely ache? Yes. And scroll through Scruff, having a number of pointless conversations with headless torsos. That's comedian and writer Mike Albo, describing a feeling I think we all know a little too well. Indeed, we talk a lot about how our phones run our lives, but what happens when they get a little too smart, too reflective of the world around us?

0:42Yes, I did, but how did you note that? And then did you order Call Me By Your Name on iTunes for$7.99 and then finally watch it because you have avoided watching it because as a gay man pushing 50, you don't want to get upset seeing young gorgeous men in love? Yes, I did. In this part comedy, part memoir, part documentary talk, Mike takes a very personal route to show us the hilarious and painfully relatable ways that our digital lives are reflecting our desires, anxieties, and vanities. That's coming up right after a short break.

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1:56That trust is built on scale. Bill has securely processed over a trillion dollars in real transactions, supporting teams and handling payables, receivables, and expenses. When financial tasks are organized and visible, it can free up time and energy to focus on what matters most, whether that's your team, your mission, or your community. Visit bill.com slash proven and get a$250 gift card as a thank you after speaking with a Bill expert. That's bill.com slash proven. Terms and conditions apply. See offer page for details. This episode is brought to you by Duck.ai. AI can be incredibly useful, but sometimes it gives me pause to think that my chats might be saved somewhere forever.

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3:09If you want to use AI without giving up your privacy, visit duck.ai slash talk today. That's duck.ai slash talk, a private way to chat with AI from DuckDuckGo, where AI is always optional and private. This episode is brought to you by Bombas. Lately, I've been thinking about the small things that make a big difference in my day. You know, those upgrades you don't realize you need it until you try them. That's exactly what happened with Bombas. I picked up their women's Pima cotton V-neck tee, which is what I own, and now I reach for it constantly. Whether I'm recording or just doing school pickup, it works.

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4:35And now our TED Talk of the day. Hi. Hello. Hi, TED people. I'm Mike Albo. I'm so excited to be here in hot Lana. Do they still call it that? Or is that insulting? I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm here to talk about our smartphones and how they control our... Oh, dear. Oh, gosh. I just got a really alarming text from my bank. Do you mind if I just... This will just take a second. I'm sorry. Hello. Thank you for calling American Bank. For English, please press 1. Para español o prima número 2. To report a card lost or stolen or to report suspicious activity on your account. Press 1. We are experiencing heavy traffic.

5:30Please hold for the next available representative. Your call is... Hello, thank you for calling American Bank. This is Danny. How may I help you? Hi, I just received a text that there's a foreign charge on my account. Yes, I'll be happy to assist you with that, Mr. Albo. May I have the last four digits of your social security number? 1734. Thank you, Mr. Albo. Yes, it appears there has been some suspicious activity, To validate your account, I will need to confirm recent transactions over the last 24 hours. Is that okay with you, Mr. Alba? Yes. Did you purchase a smoothie in Philadelphia yesterday at 6 a.m.

6:08for$1.50? Weird. No. Did you purchase a bubble tea in Puerto Vallarta today at 8 a.m. for$0.00? I did not. Did you purchase a chopped salad in Toronto yesterday at 8.30 a.m. for$0.37? I did not. Okay, yes. It seems your account has been hacked. If you will allow me to continue with your transactions over the last 24 hours, Mr. Albo, just to make sure. Okay. Did you purchase two organic chicken breasts, brown rice, and a head of broccoli at Whole Foods for$28.11 at 4.59 p.m. yesterday? Yes, I know. So expensive. Did you purchase a bottle of wine for$11.50 at Smith Street Wine and Liquor at 5.12pm yesterday?

6:55Yes. And then did you purchase drinks at Loco Coco Saloon for$14 at 5.35pm? No. Wait. Oh yeah, I was with this guy Jeff. I was trying to meet someone in public before I... Anyway, yes. Did you purchase a monthly membership renewal on Grindr? Um, yeah. Did you purchase an auto-renewal membership on Scruff? Um, yes, I must have. Then at 9.30 p.m., did you purchase another bottle of wine from Vino Nino Wine Company on Atlantic Avenue? Uh, yes. And did you do this because you didn't want the guys at Smith Street Wine to see you buying more wine on the same day? Yes, but... And did you go home and eat while standing up at the sink?

7:42Yes, I did, but how did you note that? And then did you order Call Me By Your Name on iTunes for$7.99 and then finally watch it, because you have avoided watching it, because as a gay man pushing 50, you don't want to get upset seeing young gorgeous men in love? Yes, I did. And then at the end, did you burst into tears, but then go look in the mirror to see how you look when you cry shirtless, and then purchase a Peloton membership? Yes. And then did you take a photo of your torso in the mirror because you realized your abs look good when you are heaving with tears? Yes Did you pick up your phone for the 800th time that day empty of emotion but still feeling a deep lonely ache?

8:25Yes And scroll through Scruff having a number of pointless conversations with headless torsos? Yes Drinking your previously purchased wine until you were so sloshed? Yes And you cried by yourself, no one else there, just you, a low-income, single gay man that no one wants to hear from in society, since you are over 40 and make less than$30 ,000 a year? Yes. And then did you pass out staring at yet another hot man on your screen you will never meet in person, and then wake up and look at your phone and realize with horror that you were late to get to the airport to go to Atlanta for this TED Next event?

9:01I did. and barely got to the airport on time and landed in Atlanta, got to the Uber and checked Scruff and Grinder again to see if there were any hot guys in Atlanta because this town is indeed full of very sexy men. I did, I did, and they are, they are. And then you got to the venue and ran out of the Uber and rushed backstage with your phone in your hand and brought it up on stage with you and then just now, walking on stage, looked down again to see if there were any hot guys to meet right here in the audience and saw that we, American Bank, had contacted you by text to ask about potential fraudulent purchases on your account.

9:41I did. I did. Well, Mr. Albo, it seems your transactions are in order. We will cancel the card, and you can expect a new one in the next six to ten business days. Six to ten business days? Is there anything else I can help you with? No, thanks, Danny. Thank you, Mr. Albo. We very much appreciate your continued patronage of American Bank. Also, you are a drunk gay tramp. Goodbye. Hey. Well, I guess I am. Oh, and my time's out. Well, thank you.

10:22That was Mike Albo at TED Next 2025. If you're curious about TED's curation, find out more at ted.com slash curation guidelines. And that's it for today. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This talk was fact-checked by the TED Research Team and produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, and Tonsika Sungmarnivong. This episode was mixed by Lucy Little. Additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Ballarezzo. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening.

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