Stop telling single people to get married | Peter McGraw

0:06You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas and conversations to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hugh. Marriage is considered a life goal or even a necessity for many people across the globe. We've even prioritized pairing up in our institutions and systems, benefits like tax cuts for married couples. But lately, there's been a rise of single people internationally. And for Peter McGraw, a behavioral economist and lifelong bachelor, this is a sign of progress. In his 2024 talk, he shares why it's time for social safety nets to stop being tied to marital status and why it's a good thing that more and more people are saying, do I, rather than I do.

0:54My not-so-subtle request. Stop telling single people to get married. 20 years ago, I threw myself a bachelor party as a new professor at CU Boulder. Backs were slapped, stories were shared, classes clinked. But there was a hitch. I wasn't getting hitched. My rationale, without a wedding in sight, why do married folks get to have all the fun? unbeknownst to me that night I joined a movement the solo movement where being single isn't just tolerated it's celebrated not less than not better just a different path filled with opportunities to live remarkably in 1960 90 percent of adults in the United States would go on to get married Today, 50 % of adults in the U.S.

2:02are unmarried. 25 % of millennials are projected to never marry. And don't get me started on what's happening with Gen Z. Yet, we still live in a world built for two. Married people have access to over 1 ,000 legal advantages unavailable to singles. tax breaks, social security benefits. Singles invest heavily in marital milestones. This made sense when everyone got married. But for us lifelong singles, we have to buy our own crockpots.

2:46And then there's Aunt Sally, who keeps asking, so, is there anyone special? How many of us have an Aunt Sally? Lately, a chorus of media voices have traded Aunt Sally's question for a prescription. Get married. You don't believe me? There's a book called Get Married. And it came out, of course, on Valentine's Day. The get married advocates like to point to data that show that married people report higher life satisfaction than single people. Their conclusion? Get married and get happy. Your bonus, you get to save civilization.

3:44Now, you might be wondering, and the answer is no, I'm not anti-marriage. I've even had a couple near misses.

3:58But I am against over-prescribing marriage based on correlational data that the get married crowd is a little too wedded to. Any serious scientist who looks at these data comes to the same conclusion. That is, the people who get married are already slightly happier to begin with. But there is a happiness effect in the data. There's a wedding day bump. But it fades fast.

4:33for 30k a pop the average u.s wedding at that cost you can take 15 vacations without your in-laws but here's the real puzzle and it's one that the get married crowd can't answer and that is this if getting married makes you happy why is it that the happiest places on earth feature the most people going solo. This is especially the case in Scandinavia. I say, rather than treating the rise of singles as a bug, let's treat it as a feature, a feature of progress, especially for women. The arranged marriage was invented 4 ,400 years ago in order to form business alliances during harsh agrarian times.

5:28Women were treated more like property than partners, with a husband receiving ownership from the father at the altar. Thankfully, today, marriage is more about love, and it's increasingly optional. The story of the rise of singles is the story of the rise of women. And it really got rolling with the invention of the spinning wheel. The spinsters who used it could earn their own money and escape being owned by a husband or a father. With the invention of birth control and greater access to education, and economic opportunities, I do is becoming, do I?

6:26The spinsters of yesterday and the cat ladies of today

6:37are not old maids. They're trailblazers, pioneers of independence. Urbanization, apartments, and the home appliances that were invented for housewives are spurring a huge increase in people living alone, especially in cities like Stockholm. Intrigued by these happy Scandinavians, I swapped out my Stetson for an Indiana Jones-style fedora and headed to Sweden, a global leader in gender equality. And I found lots of one-bedroom apartments filled with singles, some by choice, some by chance, but living rich, interconnected, remarkable lives. so let's dispense with the calls to get married they're either already preaching to the choir or shouting into the wind they're the someday singles they're looking for their person sometimes waiting hopelessly the just may singles are open to possibilities the hopeless romantics but of single adults in the united states half have other priorities they're not looking for love or lust, whether for now or forever.

8:02And they're channeling their time and their energy and their intention into education, building businesses, creating art. For many singles, they live meaningful lives. Singles give more time, they're more likely to care for elderly parents and disabled friends, more so than their non-single counterparts. So what should we tell single people rather than get married? Let's start by expanding the concept of significant other. It originally included family and deep friendships, including family of choice. Indeed, science shows that social connections broadly predict life satisfaction. I've never put a ring on a finger, but I have significant others.

9:01They are my brothers and sisters in the solo community around the world. There's my brother from another mother, Darwin, who's taught me more about unconditional love than any lover has. And here tonight is my soul sister, Julie, who was at my bachelor party 20 years ago. I love you, Julie.

9:28Next, let's advocate for policies that support a family of one. Sweden's social safety net is given to all citizens individually. Universal health care, free or low-cost education, affordable child care and elder care, no spouse required. Amen.

9:53And lastly, let's elevate single living to be on par with married living. Not better, not worse, just a different path filled with our opportunities to live remarkably. I always thought that there was something wrong with me for not wanting to get married. The prospect of it felt like I would be wearing an ill-fitting suit, or worse, a straight jacket. Now, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of problems. There's a lot of things wrong with me. But putting a ring on it is not going to solve my problems. And as I was nursing a broken heart after one of my near misses, it hit me. I'm not half waiting for a hole.

10:45I'm wholehearted. I'm complete. I'm healthy. I'm financially stable. I do meaningful work. I have a wide and deep connected group of friends. I feel wholehearted, and I hope you do too. In the end, there is no one remarkable life. There are remarkable lives. and no amount of pearl clutching or calls to get married are going to drag us back to the good old days, which, to be honest, weren't that good to begin with. Someday, single living and married living will stand side by side, equal. In the meantime, the solo movement has a big tent. Never married? Divorced? Separated? Widowed? Welcome. We celebrate you and our married allies.

11:48The future is about options, not prescriptions. So let's toast to a world that honors both the choice to settle down or go solo. Cheers.

12:09That was Peter McGraw at TEDxBoulder in 2024. If you're curious about TED's curation, find out more at ted.com slash curationguidelines. And that's it for today's show. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, Alejandra Salazar, and Tonsika Sarmanivon. It was mixed by Christopher Fazey-Bogan, Additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Ballarezzo. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening.