The four steps to hearing hard feedback gracefully | Chris Wheatley

0:03Chris Wheatley: You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. Most of us know that particular sting when someone we care about tells us something true about ourselves that maybe we didn't want to hear. Our first instinct is usually to get defensive or to explain what they got wrong. That's exactly where leadership expert Chris Wheatley found himself a few years ago when his best friend at work told him that during their arguments, it seemed like he needed her to feel stupid. She could have done what I probably would have done, which is just silently resented me and not said anything.

0:43But she had the courage to come and talk to me. And I noticed the transformation in my relationships almost immediately.

0:49Chris Wheatley: In his talk, Chris says that most of us think about feedback backwards. He explains how we spend a lot of energy on how to give it well, but not nearly enough on how to receive it well, which is what actually determines whether the people around us feel safe being honest in the first place. We have to make it safer, and we have to lower the amount of courage that it requires to have that conversation. He offers a practical method for doing exactly that, how to respond to hard feedback so that people feel safe giving you more of it. That's coming up right after a short break.

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4:06Chris Wheatley: And now, our TED Talk of the day. One of the most important lessons that I had to learn in my life is that when it comes to our growth and development, there is no substitute for a tough piece of feedback from someone who cares about us. And when we can make it safe enough for the people in our lives to tell us those hard things, it not only benefits us, it can spark transformation in our workplaces and in our families. And I learned this lesson the way that I learn most things, which is the hard way. And it was when I got a tough piece of feedback from my best friend at work, Christy. So I met Christy years ago when I left the only organization I had ever worked for to start over at a new company.

4:52And I was freaking out. and Christy was this incredibly kind and welcoming person who just really went out of her way to help me be successful and we became fast friends. And then one day we got into an argument. Not uncommon for us. We're both pretty stubborn and opinionated people and we resolved it and I thought everything was fine. She had a very different reaction and the next day she came in and she gave me this feedback and I'll never forget it. She said, it just seemed like while we were arguing that you needed me to feel stupid. And if you've ever had somebody make you feel that way, you know it's awful.

5:38So here's my best friend at work, somebody that I care about. She's told me that I've hurt her. And so, of course, my immediate reaction is I get very defensive. So I remember running through all of this in my head, right? Like, how could you say that? That's completely unfair. I would never think that about you. And then I just listing off all the reasons that she was wrong.

6:04Now, thankfully, I didn't say any of that out loud. And all I could think to say in the moment was, thank you for telling me. And I meant it because she could have done so many other things, right? She could have gossiped about me behind my back. She could have gone to our boss and complained about me. She could have done what I probably would have done, which is just silently resented me and not said anything. But she had the courage to come and talk to me. And the truth is, I've gotten this feedback before. And the feedback is that when I'm not at my best, I come across as arrogant, condescending, self-righteous, and a know-it-all, which is a really nice combination and a great way to make friends if you're interested.

6:56It's the thing in my life I am most embarrassed about and oftentimes ashamed of. And so I'm telling this to Christy and I say, I know I do this and I'm sorry. I don't want to, but I can't hear myself when I'm doing it. Can you help me? And she says, sure, I'll just tell you when you're doing it. Not like that. I meant, do you have a book I could read? Or like, I don't know, like a training or something like that that I could take? You know, fix this. And she said, well, how about this? I'll just say, you're doing your thing. Worth a shot. So anytime we'd be talking and I would start a sentence with, well, actually, or something like that, she would just, hey, Chris, you're doing your thing.

7:39And it was so helpful. I needed the feedback. I could start to hear it, and so I could start to improve on it. Little embarrassed to find out how often I do it, but I did start to get better. And I noticed the transformation in my relationships almost immediately. My wife would later tell me that this whole process, it made it easier for her to talk to me. and that allowed us to have conversations that we hadn't been able to have up until that point. So I'm growing, my relationships are transforming and then it started to inspire other people to do the same thing and it started with Christy. She comes to me one day, what's my thing?

8:21And I kind of think we all have a thing, right? Like something that we do that we're not at our best, gets in our way. And so Christy's thing, and I have her permission to share this is, to be clear, is that when she gets upset and she's not at her best, she can go from zero to 100 in about two seconds and she'll say something she regrets. Okay. So she says, and she's like, yeah, that's it. And you're going to tell me when I'm doing it. No, no, absolutely not. Are you serious? And I've been doing it for you. You have to do it for me, which is fair. So first time I had to tell her, I'm terrified.

9:02Remember, she's upset. She's up here, and I'm like, hey, buddy. I think you might be doing your thing. And she instantly cools off. And she looks at me. She says, oh, my gosh, you're right. Thank you. And then she started to improve. And then I felt safer to keep giving her that feedback. and both of us are like, we might be onto something here. Well, then there's a restructure in our department. I become Christy's supervisor.

9:36And one of the first things she says to me is, I'm just bummed I can't do that feedback thing with you anymore. Why? You're my boss. I can't talk to you like that. No, I need you to talk to me like that. And this is key because it's not just our own defensiveness that gets in the way of people giving us the feedback. There's these other barriers like titles and roles that can make it feel scary to talk to us. I imagine you're probably not going to walk into your CEO's office or something like that. I have some thoughts on your performance I'd like to share with you. You're probably not going to do that.

10:07I did have to do that once. I had to give my CEO critical feedback. And she gave me a hug. And for just a second, I thought it was like one of those mafia-style hugs.

10:19Chris Wheatley: That was the biggest mistake you ever made or something like that. But it was genuine, and it made me so proud to work for her. So I'm telling this to Christy, you've got to keep giving me the feedback, and that has not been a problem. But then it started to inspire other people to do the same thing. So I've got this new team, and they all come to me, we want to know what our thing is. I've got managers in other areas, how do we make this happen on our teams? But where this really broke open for me was one day when I was talking to my sister. and I was telling her this story and how, hey, somebody at work said, I can come across as arrogant and condescending.

10:58Can you believe that? And she paused and she said, yeah. And I was completely blindsided, which doesn't make any sense, of course, because she would have been one of the first people to have to deal with this. And it turns out it had bothered her for a long time. But she hadn't talked to me about it. and she told me, there were times in my life that I really needed you, but I didn't call because I just didn't want to hear that tone. And that was so painful to hear. And it was the breakthrough moment in our relationship because now when she has a problem with me, she could just tell me. And that has meant everything to us.

11:48And after that, I was like, I got to get feedback from everyone. So I do this with my boss, with my teammates. I do this with my wife and son. My son will say to me, Dad, can I give you some feedback? I love it. I love it. Usually. Yeah, like... I don't always agree with it, but I'm such a better dad because of it. And more important than that is that it means everything to me that he feels safe enough to say that to me. and I've also had the opportunity to help hundreds of other people create similar experiences in their own relationships. Most of us we want to have these important and difficult conversations but we put too much pressure on the Christies of the world to show up again and again with the courage to say the hard thing and that's a mistake.

12:38There's too many barriers to that happening consistently. As feedback receivers we have to make it safer and we have to lower the amount of courage that it requires to have that conversation. Now, thankfully, this is a skill that we can learn and that we can practice. And if you want to, you can use an approach that I use called receiving feedback with tact. So if you want to try this, pick someone in your life that you want some more feedback from, someone who cares about you, but they'll be honest with you if you make it a little bit safer. Then don't wait for them to give you feedback. Go out and ask for it.

13:14Just don't make the mistake that I made early on. I was working with this group of managers, and I said, go out and get some feedback from some of your employees. And they're like, okay, how am I doing as your manager? And everyone was like, great. Why? It's too scary, right? We need to narrow that question. So I might say, I want to get better at running our staff meetings. What's one piece of advice you have for me on how I can improve? And then here's the key. It's how you respond. That's going to be the difference between you learning something and building trust with this person or the opposite.

13:51So when they give you the feedback that you asked for, you can respond with tact. So that stands for thankfulness, acknowledgement, commitment, and then we'll end where we began, a second thankfulness. So that first thankfulness, you're trying to calm down that initial fight or flight response that you might both be experiencing. So I might say, that wasn't easy to hear, but I'm really glad you were willing to say it. With acknowledgement, you want to make the other person feel seen and heard first, because that's your entryway into an authentic dialogue. They're expecting you to defend yourself, and all that's going to do is just going to shut them down or gear them up for a fight.

14:30You don't have to agree. Just acknowledge what they said, acknowledge the feelings underneath what they said, and then you can have a real conversation. And that'll eventually lead you to some kind of a commitment. If you agree with the feedback, it could be the behavior change you're gonna make. If you don't agree or you're not sure, it could be to gather a few more perspectives and circle back. It could be that you need a little bit of time and space to process, but you're gonna get back to them at a specific date and time. Just be clear what's next and follow through. And the second thankfulness is my favorite part because it's so easy to do and it's very powerful.

15:03What you're trying to do here is reinforce and reward the behavior so that they keep doing it. Most of us don't do things that are painful or unpleasant, like giving feedback, unless there's some sort of a benefit for doing it. So when the conversation's over, send them a quick text, thank you. Or do what one of my colleagues did when I gave him tough feedback. He wrote me a handwritten thank you card. Just do something that makes it feel like it was worth the risk to tell you. So it's thankfulness, acknowledgement, commitment, and then a second thankfulness. Do this consistently and you're going to be amazed at what you learn and the ways that it starts to benefit your relationships.

15:45There is likely someone in your life who cares about you and has something to tell you that you might not want to hear, but it could change your life if you did. If you want the benefits of that feedback, ask for it, and then respond with tact. I have seen it do wonders for so many people, including me. As I was preparing for today, I shared a draft with my sister, and this is what she told me. She said, Chris, you've completely flipped the way that you talk to me, and I can't even remember what you used to sound like. I can be completely myself around you, even though we're so different. So go out and get a tough piece of feedback from someone who cares about you, and let it change your life.

16:27Thank you. Thank you.

16:56Chris Wheatley: Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Lucy Little, Emma Taubner, and Tansika Sungmarnivong. Additional support from Daniela Ballarezzo, Christopher Faze-Bogan, Valentina Bohanini, Banban Chang, Brian Green, and Lainey Lott. Learn more at podcasts.ted.com. I am Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feet. Thanks for listening.

17:27Chris Wheatley: This episode is sponsored by Kohler Smart Toilets. The objects we interact with most are often the ones we notice least. But what if the most overlooked space in your home could be the most considered? Kohler Smart Toilet challenges that assumption. Their Veil Smart Toilet is a sculptural silhouette that isn't just intentional, it's a philosophy. That design changes everything. The Kohler Veil Smart Toilet is sleek with a rounded shape that's more like architecture than just plumbing. and it goes beyond looks. The touchscreen controls and customizable cleansing features offer a level of comfort and cleanliness that exceeds expectations.

18:01Chris Wheatley: It's all about elevating those ordinary daily rituals into something extraordinary through thoughtful design. Kohler has been pushing these boundaries for over 150 years, mastering that balance of stunning form and high-performance function. That's a long time to get it right and it shows in every detail. Experience the difference of Kohler Smart Toilets. Find out more at Kohler.com. With no fees or minimums on checking accounts, it's no wonder the Capital One bank guy is so passionate about banking with Capital One. If he were here, he wouldn't just tell you about no fees or minimums. He'd also talk about how most Capital One cafes are open seven days a week to assist with your banking needs.

18:42Yep, even on weekends, it's pretty much all he talks about. In a good way. What's in your wallet? Terms apply. See CapitalOne.com slash bank. Capital One N.A. Member FDIC.