3 Low-Value Behaviors That Quietly Kill Your Respect | Social Intelligence Brief

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1:25research from ucla shows that the brain treats social rejection like physical pain meaning these low value behaviors literally trigger avoidance in others they repel them and people don't always know why they don't respect someone but they just feel it i've seen this with clients They'll say, I don't know why, but people just don't listen to me at work. When we dig, it's always one of these patterns. So let's talk about these three low value behaviors and maybe you'll recognize them in yourself or others. The first one is supplicative, which means begging for value from others. You're going to need to look at this in two ways.

2:04Either you're doing things that draw people in or doing things that push people away. If you're just accommodating people, you're not going to make impact. You're not going to stand out and you will be forgettable. So it's making sure that the behaviors you're showing intrigue people, create curiosity, and most importantly, make them feel good. And that's why being supplicative pushes people away. Things like excessive apologizing, shrinking body language, saying yes when you really want to say no. The problem is it communicates that you don't deserve to be here and other people shouldn't take interest in you.

2:45And that's very important in anything that you do. If you're not going to show that you deserve it, other people are not going to see it. And the science is what we call the social penetration theory, which shows that trust comes from balanced disclosure, not oversharing or supplicating, which is self erasure, removing yourself, acting as if you don't belong. When you beg for approval, you're teaching people to undervalue you and high value people give approval. They don't chase it. for a lot of people, they diminish a lot of their worth because they feel that it makes what they have to say more palatable, but that loses impact.

3:29And so again, you're not going to stand out. If you're going to diminish yourself, no one's going to take you seriously. And this is where the nice guy conundrum comes into play. And no one wants to be labeled as the nice guy, but if you're not creating impact and maybe you're doing just enough to get by. Well, that's what gets you labeled as the nice guy. There's nothing special. There's nothing bad. So it's even kill. You're a good guy. You're a nice guy, but that's not going to get people going. We need to get this guy's opinion on this right now. Hey, you know what? Let's find out what Johnny has to say because he's always got something going on.

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6:36This is dominating conversations, using intimidation, defaulting to anger in situations that don't call for it. This creates resistance and people comply in the moment, but often they're going to avoid you in the long term. No one wants to be around a bully. In fact, Harvard studies show that non-confrontational conflict resolution builds 67 % more sustainable agreements than aggression. So you puffing your chest and trying to be this fake alpha actually repels people. People confuse dominance with strength. True frame strength is quiet, not loud. The stronger frame dissolves the weaker one, not through shouting, but through presence.

7:16And I've been that guy. And if you win by force, you already lost because now people are waiting for you to slip so that they can get out from under you. And nobody wants to be there when you're the person that's being avoided because you're too aggressive. Now, the third you may actually think helps you out, but it works against you. And that's being competitive or proving value to others. This is one-upping stories, bragging, needing to win every exchange, or if you hang out in LA enough, name dropping all the great people you know. The frame here is I need to prove that I'm better than you, which actually just signals your insecurity.

7:58And Axelrod and Hamilton's game theory work shows that cooperation beats competition in long-term relationships. So you're better off coming at it from a cooperative perspective than trying to one-up other people to get their attention. And every time I've talked about this in our classes, what everyone mentions is, well, what is wrong with healthy competition? There's nothing wrong with healthy competition. The problem is when everything becomes a competition and now people have to expend energy just to stay even kill with you or to top you because they don't want to drop below you. So you become incredibly high maintenance for people to be around.

8:42If you're incredibly high maintenance, that brings up a choice. Do I have the energy to expend today with this person or don't I? And guess what? For a lot of people, they'd opt out. And every time you try to outshine someone, you're actually telling the room that you don't belong on your own. And this shows up with high achievers. They think their resume is their personality. But people don't remember the bullet points. They remember how you make them feel. And if they feel that you're constantly trying to outshine them, well, they're not going to want to spend much time with you. And this reminds me of a client named Jim who was experiencing this on his sales calls.

9:20He was always trying to either beat his clients with better stories in order to gain their acceptance or beat them with sob stories so that he would relate to them. And both of those ended up pushing people away. Exactly. Once he flipped to being cooperative in conversation, asking questions, spotlighting the other person's expertise, his close rate actually went up. These are the sort of blind spots that get uncovered in our implementation sessions. When you've been successful for so long, doing what you're doing, or at least perceived that you're being successful, you are missing the room for growth.

10:01it takes that outside perspective to show you that they're where things are going wrong and where you have that room to grow so here's how to identify these three low value behaviors supplicative says please like me combative says you better respect me competitive says i'm better than you now the high value person says i see you and i value you that's the signal that wins every time. So here's our challenge for you this week. I want you to audit yourself. Notice when you slip into begging, battling, or bragging, then flip it. So instead of apologizing, pause and just stand tall. Instead of pushing back, reframe it with a we.

10:46Or instead of competing, highlight someone else's success. If you do this three times this week and watch how people react, you'll notice a shift instantly. Now, if you're wondering where you actually stand, how often you default to low value behaviors versus showing up as high value, we built a free tool called the Influence Index. It's a quick diagnostic quiz that pinpoints your default patterns, whether you slip into supplicative, combative or competitive, and shows you exactly what to do to operate from the cooperative or the high value position. Take the influence index today. You'll walk away knowing your exact influence score and the one shift that will unlock more respect, connection and opportunities in your life.

11:29Head over to the art of charm dot com slash influence to take it today.

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