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Podcast Summary: The Art of Charm - Episode with Kasley Killam
Episode Overview Episode Title: 3 Powerful Tips to Boost Your Social Health Episode Description: In this episode, Kasley Killam, an expert in social health, discusses the importance of social health, strategies for building meaningful connections, and the transformative power of relationships. She shares insights from her book, "The Art and Science of Connection," focusing on how social health influences overall well-being.
Key Themes and Topics
Introduction (00:00:27)
- Kasley Killam's background and expertise in social health.
- Inspiration for focusing on social health and connection.
Understanding and Assessing Social Health (00:02:15)
- Definition of Social Health: The aspect of overall health that arises from connections and relationships.
- Importance of social health on par with physical and mental health.
- Core Characteristics of Social Health:
- Healthy self-relationship.
- Diverse social ties.
- Appropriate amount and type of connections tailored to personal preferences.
Impact of Technology on Social Health (00:10:28)
- Exploration of technology's dual role in enhancing and isolating social connections.
- Critique of reliance on social media and technology for genuine interaction.
- Encouragement to use technology thoughtfully to foster social health.
The 5-3-1 Guideline (00:19:22)
- 5-3-1 Guideline Explained:
- Connect with five different people each week.
- Maintain at least three close relationships.
- Dedicate one hour per day to connecting with others.
- Suggestions for practical implementation of the guideline.
Importance of Diverse Relationships (00:36:18)
- Benefits of having a varied social portfolio (diverse connections across different backgrounds).
- Intergenerational Connections: The value of relationships that span across ages to enrich social health.
Prioritizing Connection in a Busy Life (00:41:14)
- Strategies to integrate connections into daily life despite a busy schedule.
- Emphasis on quality over quantity in social interactions.
Key Takeaways
- Social Health is Essential: Just as physical and mental health are important, so too is social health, which can significantly affect longevity and happiness.
- Quality Over Quantity: A few deep, meaningful relationships can be more beneficial than a larger number of casual acquaintances.
- Diversity in Relationships: Engaging with a variety of individuals from different backgrounds enhances social health and contributes to personal growth.
- Small Steps Matter: Simple actions, such as sending a text or joining social events, can greatly improve social health without needing major lifestyle changes.
Discussion Points
- Loneliness Epidemic: Discussion on the prevalence of loneliness in society and the need for collective efforts to improve social well-being.
- Individual Responsibility: While systemic changes are beneficial, individual actions play a crucial role in enhancing social connections.
- Coping with Isolation: Suggestions for overcoming feelings of isolation and fostering community, particularly after transitions in life (e.g., moving, job changes).
Conclusion Kasley Killam emphasizes the profound impact that social health has on overall well-being. By implementing the 5-3-1 guideline and prioritizing diverse and meaningful relationships, individuals can enhance their social health and lead more fulfilling lives.
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For more insights and resources from Kasley Killam, you can visit [kasleykillam.com](http://kasleykillam.com).
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:28You know why you're tired all the time? talking or even using my camera. Stuff is built to intake information quickly in whatever form you think in and turn it into actionable tasks right away. Lists and stuff are built like completable projects. So that book you want to write, that business you want to start, or that trip you want to plan starts to take form inside stuff, step by step. The magic is it gets exponentially more powerful the more you feed into it. Download stuff today. Start brain dumping and organizing your tasks and feel the freedom of an uncluttered brain. Download stuff for free today by going to trystuff.app.
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1:46That's Andrew, a real United pilot. These small interactions can shape a kid's future. It felt like I was the captain. Allowing my son to see the flight deck will stick with us forever. That's how good leads the way. And if you look at the statistics on how much time people tend to spend on social media per day or watching Netflix per day, most of us can find an hour to reallocate toward connection, whether that's virtual or whether that's in person. But even just being present in the interactions that you're already having, even if it's a quick 15 to 30 minute dinner, right? Being present in that time and really emphasizing quality over quantity.
2:25Welcome to the Art of Charm podcast, where we break down the science of powerful communication and winning mindsets so you have the cheat code to succeed with people. Every episode is jam-packed with actionable steps to unlock the hidden superpowers inside of you. Level up with us each week by listening to interviews with the best in business, psychology, and relationships. We distill thousands of hours of research in the most effective tools and the latest science so you can start winning today. Let's face it, in order to be seen and heard, your communication needs to cut through the noise, and we're going to show you how.
2:57I'm AJ, successfully recovered introvert, entrepreneur, and self-development junkie. And I'm Johnny Zubak, former touring musician, promoter, rock and roller, and co-founder here at The Art of Charm. And for the last 15 years, we've trained thousands of top performers and teams from every background. We have dedicated our lives to teaching men and women all they need to know about communication, networking, and relationships. You shouldn't have to settle for anything less than extraordinary. All right, let's kick off today's show. Today, we're talking with Casley Killam, an expert in social health and connection.
3:31She joins us to talk about how to effectively improve your social health. Casley collaborated with organizations like Google, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and the World Economic Forum to improve global well-being through connection for over a decade now. You can find her work in outlets such as the New York Times, Scientific American, Psychology Today, and the Washington Post. She's the author of The Art and Science of Connection, Why Social Health is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier. We discuss why your social health matters, how to accurately assess your social health.
4:02We also break down her 5-3-1 guideline to rapidly improve your social health, and Casley shares her optimism on technology improving our collective social health. Welcome to the show, Casley. Great to have you. Thank you for having me. Great to be with you. I know a lot of our audience members care a lot about their physical health and their mental health. They may not have considered their social health. Share with us how you became interested in social health and what it really means to care about our social health. Yeah, absolutely. So I have been very interested in the science of human connection for about 15 years now.
4:37And it was in around 2013 when I was doing research for a project where I was taking insights from the research and from the science on how to promote empathy and kindness and deeper relationships and turning those research insights into practical tips that people could use in their everyday lives in a mobile app and in a campaign that I was working on. And it was during this time when I came across a paper by a researcher in the early 70s who was defining social health for the first time. And I had never heard of this term, and it made perfect sense to me. Social health is the part of your overall health and well-being that comes from connection.
5:22So at a basic level, if you think about physical health as about your body and mental health as about your mind, social health is about relationships. And when I came across this term, I thought, this makes so much sense. It's a natural extension of how we talk about health as physical and mental. Why can't I find hardly any information about this? And so really, ever since then, I've been focused in different ways on understanding social health, what it means to be socially healthy, and helping to advance and push forward this idea and bring this language into the mainstream in the same way that mental health in recent decades has risen up and now is something that many people talk about and know is important.
6:05I believe that we need to do the same with social health. How do we know that we have good social health? I think it's one of those things where it's kind of difficult for us to measure empirically in ourselves. We see others on social media who might feel like they have better social health than us based on what we're seeing of their highlight reel. So how can we judge for ourselves if we have good social health? Great question. Social health is really subjective. And to draw an analogy, if you think about physical health, there's not just one kind of metric or score or test you can take to understand your overall physical health, right?
6:40You have to look at a variety of different things. Your weight, how much exercise you're getting, the strength that you've built up, the presence or absence of illness and disease, things like that. So there's all these different things that you look at for your physical health. And in that same way, there's a lot of different things we can look at for your social health. So in my book, I highlight kind of three core characteristics for what it means to be socially healthy. The first is a strong foundation of connection with yourself. So it might sound a little bit counterintuitive, but relationships with other people that are healthy and positive often depend on a healthy, positive relationship with yourself.
7:22So that's one key ingredient. The second kind of hallmark of being socially healthy is actually having diverse ties. So not just having, say, one best friend who you connect with all the time or all your interaction coming from your romantic partner, but instead having a variety of different people and groups who you can reach out to in different ways. So having friends, having co-workers, having neighbors, having groups or clubs that you belong to, and also connecting with people who are different from you. So people of different ages, different backgrounds, different cultures that can actually, according to the research, be really beneficial.
8:02And then the third and really key sort of hallmark and ingredient of social health is the right amount and type of connection for you. So this is where this kind of subjectivity comes into play, right? So if you're an introvert or if you're an extrovert, depending on your preferences and habits and what you're comfortable with, you might enjoy and crave a different amount and type of connection than someone else. And so what that looks like for you might be different from someone else. So is there like a BMI type score that we can assess our relationships by or something that we should be shooting for?
8:38Because I feel, I know people who have tons of friends. I myself tend to enjoy as an introvert, really close ties and keep a smaller circle. So is there a metric we should be looking for or how we should be comparing ourselves to others? So it's really one of the key principles that I write about is that quality is more important than quantity. So you mentioned being an introvert. I really appreciate that. I'm also an introvert. And so for us, that might mean that we need a lower quantity of interaction, but still really care about the quality. And what the research shows is that not all connection is good connection, right?
9:17So it's not necessarily more socially healthy to be around people all the time or to socialize all the time. Instead, it's about having relationships that are supportive and mutual. So one thing that I talk about in the book is that making sure you have some core relationships that are both meaningful and mutual, and then having the right amount of connection for you. So there are four kind of social health styles that I've identified. These are a really helpful way of thinking about what is that right balance of quality and connection and quantity of connection for you. So the first style is a butterfly.
9:54So many of us are familiar with the idea of like a social butterfly, right? And if you think about in nature, butterflies like flutter around from plant to plant. And so a butterfly in a social health context means someone who enjoys a lot of casual connection, right? Someone who's happy being around people all the time, is really good at chit-chat, makes other people feel comfortable. The second social health style is a wallflower. So again, this is kind of a term we're used to hearing in our society. Wallflowers in nature kind of grow hidden away up against walls or in cracks. but they actually have medicinal properties.
10:33So a wallflower in a social health context means someone who likes infrequent and still casual connection. So someone who doesn't want to be around people all the time and maybe takes a little bit longer to warm up and go deep with someone. And there are many perks to being a wallflower, so I don't want to say this like it's a bad thing, right? There's no right or wrong way to do this. It's just different styles. The third style is called a firefly. So I am a firefly, for example. This is someone who enjoys infrequent deep connection. So this might apply to you as well. You mentioned being an introvert, you need some alone time, but also love deep connection with your loved ones.
11:14So that's a firefly. And if you think about fireflies in nature, they glow really brightly and synchrony with other fireflies, and then they fade away into the night sky. So it's like that balance of connection and then some alone time. And then the final fourth style is an evergreen. So if you think about evergreen plants in nature, they're green all year round, right? They always have leaves or flowers. And so an evergreen in a social health context is someone who likes a lot, so frequent interaction, but deeper connection. So someone who's in constant communication with their close friends going deep on different things.
11:53I know for a lot of the work that we do and with our clients especially that one of the times in our life where we become really aware of our social health are what we call these transitionary periods, graduating from college, moving away from home, sometimes even getting a promotion at work where you don't have as many peers and now you're in a leadership role feeling a bit more isolated. Those tend to be key moments for our clients to recognize, okay, my social health is lacking. I want to improve it. Does the science back that up? are we most aware of our social health in moments like that?
12:26Absolutely. I think of those transitions as potential challenges, but also potential opportunities for social health, right? So to your point, you know, moving away from home to go away to college, moving to a new city, starting a new job, maybe becoming a parent, retiring is a big one. So any kind of life transition like that is going to pose both challenges and opportunities, right? So on one hand, it might mean moving to a new city means starting fresh and having to make new friends and start building a community from scratch. I've moved quite a few times myself. So I know this firsthand, you know, there are challenges associated with that and staying connected with loved ones in other places, but it's also an opportunity to make new friends and to find new parts of your personality in relation to other people.
13:16So that's one example. So I think it's important to recognize that just like our physical and mental health can evolve over time, they can ebb and flow, right? We can be much more physically and mentally healthy at some times in our life based on our circumstances and based on our habits. The same is true with social health. So in this point with all this technology, we're supposed to be more connected than ever, but yet the reason we're discussing this is because we have a loneliness epidemic. What do you see are the pitfalls to why we have this gap? I see young kids want to be sigmas, which is these alpha lone wolves.
13:58And that is like the new trend that they're chasing these workaholic sigmas. So what do we do to bring consciousness back to making sure that people are building community again? I mean, if we have a lot of young people who are being isolated due to this technology, that's not going to bode well when they really enter into adulthood, say, in their later 20s, early 30s. And in fact, AJ and I see it all the time with our clients. A lot of them have said that they've focused so much on their careers that socializing was left out. And now as an adult, they're learning how to do that. Yeah, you raised so many important points there.
14:44And I think we're at a really interesting moment in time for our society and our culture in terms of really reckoning with where we are. You mentioned technology and social media as one of the factors that are contributing to this loneliness epidemic, which I should mention, you know, has been going on for a while, right? The U.S. Surgeon General here in the U.S. declared loneliness an epidemic and a priority issue for the federal government last year. But also before that, the U.K. appointed a minister for loneliness back in 2018. And the data shows that this has been a trend for a long time.
15:23And most recently, I saw a poll by Gallup showing that one in four adults worldwide feels lonely on a regular basis, which is pretty shocking. I mean, one in four people are grappling with this emotion. So I think technology and social media are certainly a factor. They can be very isolating. And what the data shows us is that how we use it is really an important piece and our emotional reliance on it as a tool, right? So if we feel absolutely dependent on technology to connect with people, if we're using it as a substitute rather than a complement or a tool for in-person connection, then we see things like loneliness and anxiety and so on showing up for people.
16:09But if we thoughtfully design these tools and there are many innovators and entrepreneurs who are now designing new platforms, new tools, or innovating existing ones to be more conducive to social health, then we can start to see these these benefits. I spent time researching for the book on this topic of AI as a source of social health and the ways in which many people, hundreds of millions of people around the world, are using AI chatbots as companions, as friends, as lovers, to, in some cases, to supplement the relationships that they have in the real world with other people, but in other cases, as a substitute, right?
16:54And really relying on these because they feel like they can't get the connection that they need outside of these tools. So increasingly, this is going to be something that we're reckoning with. And I think it's going to be really important for us to think about what is the role that we want these tools to play in our lives. Another thing you mentioned, John, was about working, right? And how easy it is to get so caught up in work and so dedicated to a mission or to success that we let our relationships fall to the wayside. And I'm as guilty of this as anyone, right? I'm sure we can all relate to this in different ways.
17:32There's someone who I interviewed in the book named Nancy, who's in her late eighties and who is truly a model of social health. She's someone who's centered her life around connection and seeing that help her get through really, really hard times. And something she told me has really stuck with me, which is that if you want to be socially healthy when you're 88, you have to care about more than just what you do, right? So yes, we can absolutely pour passion and time into the work that we do, especially for people who feel really mission-driven about it. But if we're not also connecting and prioritizing the people around us, then toward the end of our lives, we're going to look back and potentially have a lot of regret and potentially, as the research suggests, be suffering some health consequences as a result.
18:22So it really is an important question for each of us to think about how we can balance the work that we need to do and the ways that we earn income and support our families with prioritizing connection. Yeah, I know for a lot of our clients, they're pleasantly surprised how easy it is to break through some of these invisible barriers that we talked about. So number one, the rise of busyness. Everyone feels very busy and therefore there's a cognitive distortion that arises around, well, I don't want to bother someone else who's so busy with their career. They're not going to be interested in connection when reality is they are craving it just as much as you.
18:56Social media is a signal of what people care about and value. They're posting about it. So reaching out to someone and asking them more about what they posted on social media instead of assuming I know about this person because I saw their post is a great way to spark that connection. And then just carving out time to bring groups of people together with some patience and persistence, recognizing that, hey, there are some things working against me, but if I keep showing up, I can build a community, whether it's in a completely new place that I moved to, maybe it's at work with new peers, or maybe it's just rekindling some friendships that have fallen by the wayside, as you said, becoming parents or getting involved in their career or just taking a step back from socializing.
19:35I think the point that we're trying to make is the science is showing that this is an epidemic, but there are things that we can do actively to bring connection back into the fold. And it's not all working against us. We have clients who are very happy and successful now, putting some simple strategies and effort behind it to rekindle that connection in their life. I love that. I love everything you just shared. And I completely agree, right? Each of us should feel empowered knowing that there are steps that we can take. And it doesn't always have to mean completely overhauling your life, right?
20:07I dedicate a whole chapter to this idea that there are small steps that have a really big impact. And the research backs this up, right? So for example, studies where people send a simple text message saying, I'm thinking of you, or an email to someone they know is going through a tough time saying, hey, I hope you're doing okay. And I'm sending my condolences. Things as simple as that, simple messages that don't take a long time to write and that are relatively straightforward can actually help people feel more connected, feel less lonely. People tend to underestimate the impact of things like that.
20:44So there are simple ways that we can weave connection into our lives, into whatever circumstances we're in, no matter how busy, no matter how introverted you are, right? No matter your age and what you're going through, there are ways to weave this in that still have a profound effect without completely living differently. Although maybe some of us want to do that too. Well, I love the 5-3-1 guideline that you wrote about in the book. I'd love to unpack that for our audience because I think it's a very helpful way to look at what we're going through and then very simple thing to implement in your life to make some real changes impactfully.
21:20Yeah, sure. So we're all familiar with guidelines like walk 10 ,000 steps a day or drink eight glasses of water a day or get eight hours of sleep at night, right? These are kind of common health guidelines that we're aware of that are based on the research and might be a little bit higher or a little bit lower than you as a given person needs. But it's a helpful rule of thumb to guide your actions and kind of anchor your day to day. And so in the book, I describe what I call the 5-3-1 guideline, which is based on data looking at, first of all, the minimum kind of threshold we need of interaction and relationships to be okay.
22:00and then also what are the habits of people who seem to be thriving through connection. So the idea is to aim to connect with five different people each week to develop and maintain at least three close relationships and then to spend one hour a day connecting. So five different people at least each week, three close relationships, and one hour a day connecting. Now again, just like with the physical health guidelines that we're used to, those might be a little bit higher or a little bit lower than what you individually need based on the styles that we talked about before, based on your preferences and your habits.
22:38But it's a way to kind of anchor your actions and think about prioritizing social health on a daily or weekly basis. I think the one thing that sounds the most challenging in that guideline is the one hour of connection a day. For those of us who feel stretched time-wise, very busy, that seems very intimidating. So what are some of the things that we would consider a connection that maybe we're not thinking about that make that hour less daunting? Yes, I'm glad you bring this up. It's interesting because different people respond to different parts of that in different ways. So for example, for some people, three close relationships feels really daunting.
23:18And like, wow, I just have one relationship where I feel like I can truly trust the other person and confide in them and like they really have my back. Or other people, five different people a week might seem daunting. Like, oh gosh, my social circle is smaller than that. So it's interesting to kind of pay attention to which of those resonates, which feels easy, which feels harder. For me too, one hour a day isn't always feasible. And so again, that's okay, right? First of all, if that number is a little bit higher on a daily basis, that's okay. But there are small ways that you can weave that in.
23:52It doesn't have to be one hour consecutively. It could be a 10-minute phone call with someone just to catch up when you're driving to the grocery store or something. And also, I encourage us to think about the fact that we have 24 hours in each day. And if we spend eight of those sleeping, if we spend eight or more, let's face it, a lot of your listeners are busy people. so 8 to 10 to 12 or however many hours working, there's still multiple hours left in the day that we get to fill up in the ways that we choose. And if you look at the statistics on how much time people tend to spend on social media per day or watching Netflix per day, most of us can find an hour to reallocate toward connection, whether that's virtual or whether that's in person.
24:41And the literature does suggest that in-person connection has unique benefits. But again, I'm not suggesting that it's possible to go hang out with a friend every single day. But even just being present in the interactions that you're already having when you're on a Zoom call with a coworker or if you sit down for dinner with your family, even if it's a quick 15 to 30 minute dinner, right? Being present in that time and really emphasizing quality over quantity. That's going to be really key. What's up, analytical thinker? ready to dial up your charm and master persuasion, then listen up. Welcome to the Art of Charms X-Factor Accelerator.
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26:46So a lot of our work, our commute, even what we do spending our free time, we tend to do it alone and we try to achieve individual goals. We orient our life around comparing ourself to our past, especially for a lot of our listeners. And that doesn't often lean to the social ties that more collectivist cultures experience. So what are some of the challenges that you see we face as an individualistic society and what can we do to bring connection back into the fold for those who are feeling isolated. The holidays are here and if you're running a business, you know that's when things get real. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, the biggest shopping weekend of the year.
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31:13On the neighborhood and community that you live in, on the policies that are in place where you live, on the things that you have access to in your culture and the social norms around you. So a lot of my work coming from public health has been focused on how do we not just empower us as individuals, but also think about reimagining the society that we live in, right? Designing legislation, designing technologies, designing our workplaces and our cities and our neighborhoods, and rethinking curriculum in schools and so forth to really create the conditions for social health to be easier for every single one of us.
31:53And it also does come back down to the individual though, right? So you have the agency to change the social norms in your community, or at least start to, right? Smiling and waving to neighbors and making a point to chat a little bit longer with the barista when you order a coffee. All of these little micro moments actually are determining the world that we all live in. And so there's tremendous power and agency in knowing that and recognizing that you as a person have the power to influence someone else's day. That's the beautiful thing about social health with physical and mental health. When you focus on those, that indirectly benefits other people.
32:37But with social health, you're directly benefiting other people. By the definition, it means meaningful connection with another person. And so we can almost think of it as this gift and this superpower. If we're prioritizing our social health, that's benefiting us all. We understand that we have this health deficit. Everyone is feeling it. It has been brought to the mainstream. You've mentioned that our Surgeon General had mentioned it last year as well. And there has been books written about our social spaces and how they are not being incorporated into these city plannings anymore. In fact, Ray Oldenburg wrote a book called The Great Good Place, which goes through Western culture and shows how all of these places where we used to gather to mingle, to connect, to build community has been taken from us.
33:33So this now, because our government is not going to incentivize us or help us out with that, it's up to us as individuals to understand that we have that deficit and what are we going to do about it to make up for it? Because no one is going to come and help us out with that. Very cool thing to bring up. So I did a master's of public health at Harvard University focused on solutions for loneliness. And one of the things that I specialized in in particular was how the built environment either facilitates or inhibits connection. So what are truly the design features in a given neighborhood that facilitate whether or not people are able to be socially healthy there?
34:15Things like walkability, right, if you can get around by foot. Things like safety and transportation, just from a practical level, if you feel safe leaving the house and have access to a way to get around to go out and see other people, right? Having green spaces like parks and other third spaces, which I think you're talking about, where people can come together. These are all really vital infrastructure that we need in our communities. And I think I have an optimistic view on this because there is a lot of great momentum and initiatives happening to reinvest in these so-called third spaces. So, for example, in the book, I describe this one architect who works at a major firm here in the U.S.
35:01That specifically her whole mission is to design buildings and communities around social health as a primary goal. and I described one of the buildings she's worked on which is meant as a physical health clinic and yet they've turned it into a community hub for physical mental and social health all in one and similarly you know you mentioned how sometimes it falls onto us as individuals and you know there's something beautiful in taking ownership for where we live and doing something about it even if it's small you know making sure there isn't litter on the streets immediately around us or things like this.
35:42I run a nonprofit called Social Health Labs, and we've given out grants of$1 ,000 to community members across the U.S. And many of those grants have gone toward refurbishing local spaces like a courtyard in a school or a little grass patch where someone wanted to bring out some furniture and host weekly gatherings for neighbors and things like this. And that's not a lot of money, right? A thousand dollar grant to completely transform a space and bring people together is a pretty low cost for a very high impact. So one of the things I would love to see going forward is funding. And it doesn't have to be a lot, but funding from every city dedicated toward community building initiatives like that to improve social health locally, because there are so many people who feel energized about exactly what you're talking about and see easy ways that they could make the spaces around them more conducive to social health.
36:39And I'd love to see more support for that. Well, I've seen it in action, living in New York City with walkability being at a maximum. And it seems like every corner, there are gathering spaces and cafes and pubs where people can actually socialize and rub shoulders. As I've moved to the suburbs, grew up in the suburbs, and I've seen urban sprawl in the U.S., a lot of that thoughtfulness seems to be missing in these environments. And we're more spread out than ever. And then we had the interruption with the pandemic where there were no meeting in person happening, going on. And unfortunately, it doesn't seem like that's been fully restored.
37:14It seems like a lot of us have then dedicated time to online communities. And you mentioned that the science definitely shows that in-person is better than virtual. So one of the things we work on with our clients is if you are in a virtual space, work to bring those people together in real life, even if it's a trip together, even if it's a group gathering to move those online relationships into real life, to have that close in-person connection sparked from these online connections that we're building. Yeah, I completely, completely agree with that. And I think that that's really the future of remote work, right?
37:48If people are going to be virtual and connecting remotely the majority of the time, instead of investing in an office space, investing in thoughtful gatherings where you can bring the team together and invest in those relationships. Because we know from the data that that helps a company's bottom line, right? Employees who have a best friend at work are seven times more likely to be engaged, to produce high quality work, to be satisfied. And lonely employees, in contrast, actually are costly in the sense of missed productivity, missed work days, more likely to quit, right? So there's real value in investing in those relationships.
38:27And I think increasingly recognizing that the office isn't always going to facilitate that if you're just, you know, working at your desks or in your offices without interacting. So being more intentional about that, I think is so important. I love that you guys focus on that. One of the topics that comes up a lot for our clients who tend to be people pleasers and focused on growing these social connections, but oftentimes struggling to know if the connections in their life are mutual and if they are worth pursuing. So what are some of the signs and signals that maybe our social health is declining and the relationships that we are in are not mutually beneficial and might actually be holding us back?
39:08Yeah, this is a really great question. So I think first of all, you know, some signs of maybe needing to work on your social health, or there's an opportunity there to be more socially healthy are things like, do you interact as often as you want? Do you have a few people who you can call at any time and feel like they're people who love you and who you love in return, right? So thinking about both the quantity and the quality of connection in your life and really being thoughtful about that, right? Like paying attention to that and investing in that going forward. So I think here, again, it's important to remember that not all connection is good connection, right?
39:52So if a relationship is disrespectful, is unkind, is toxic in some way or abusive at the extreme level, if there's more conflict than peaceful times in that relationship, then it's worth asking, is this someone who should be in your life. And in fact, we see that, you know, family ruptures or estrangements where a family member no longer talks to someone else are surprisingly common. So I think many more people kind of experience this than we might realize. At the same time, you know, there's an invitation to recognize that relationships aren't always going to be mutual, right? So at certain times in your friend's life, for example, they're going through something, maybe they've got a really busy period at work where they're working toward a launch and it's just all consuming, or they've just had kids and they're trying to keep their newborn alive or things like that, where we can have grace and recognize that, you know, we're all going through life and doing our best.
40:56And it's not always going to be perfectly balanced, but the net exchange over time should feel mutual, right? That support needs to go in both directions. You want friends and loved ones who care about you and ask you questions and take an interest in your life and vice versa. So it's about being a good friend and then also seeking that in return in an overall balanced way. Yeah, I think that's why the 5-3-1 guideline is so helpful because even if you might not be experiencing what you need in that relationship in the moment, there are other areas that you can explore other opportunities for connection that you can find that doesn't mean you have to cut that person out of your life or completely disown them in the relationship.
41:38But if you are building up habits to actively cultivate a healthy social life, you're going to be meeting new people and new opportunities will present themselves. So you don't have to put yourself in a situation where you're hanging on to lost connections or harmful connections at worst. Right. It's kind of like putting all your eggs in one basket, right? You want to diversify. Or there was a great paper doing research into this recently that described it as diversifying your social portfolio, just like you would diversify your financial portfolio. You want investments in a variety of different places.
42:13And similarly with your relationships, you want to have different people who you can rely on for support, but also who you can just have shared experiences with. You've got one friend who you love to talk about books with, or another you love to talk about politics with or whatever the case might be, different people bring out different parts of us. And that's what makes life interesting and fulfilling and healthy. Yeah, and what I love about that is if you can bring all of those people together and introduce all of those people who satisfy those cravings in your social life, there might be opportunity for them to foster connection and to grow deeper, all of the connections that you have in your life.
42:51I think sometimes with us being so busy, we often will compartmentalize some of these relationships of like, oh, I can only go for coffee and books. And if you actually invited them to a backyard barbecue with your other friends who happen to not love books per se, but enjoy sports or want to watch the F1 race, you can actually foster connection across all of your friends. And being that connector, bringing people together, as you said earlier, impacts the community's social health. I love that. To share a personal example, when my husband and I got married, we had friends and family fly in from seven different countries just because we've lived in different places and people have moved around and, you know, all different cities, all different countries.
43:31And I had this very surreal moment sitting around the campfire one evening when five of my friends from completely different times in my life who'd never met each other before were all sitting around the campfire laughing and talking and hitting it off. And I wasn't even part of it. I just walked into it and saw it happen. And so to your point, I think that's a really beautiful thing. If you can bring people together and see what magic happens when you connect people in that way. I know Johnny and I are always curious with our guests who've studied the research behind social health connection and building relationships to learn what habits have you brought into your life after looking at all of this research and the importance around social health.
44:14Yeah, really good question. Many. and it's been, you know, I've been exploring specifically this idea of social health for over a decade. So it's been a long process in the making. I think one perhaps more surprising one is that I give myself permission to say no and to decline invitations, right? And so this is leaning into what we talked about, which is, you know, for me as a firefly, I need some alone time. And also I know from the research that quality is more important than quantity. So I really double down on the connections that are most important to me. And I don't necessarily worry about, you know, saying no to a party invitation one night if I'm just exhausted and need to recharge my own batteries and take care of myself.
45:02or, you know, having moved around to different places, it's okay if some friendships kind of, you know, meant something at a certain time. And then in the future, you can't stay in touch with everyone, but you stay in touch with the ones you've really formed deep bonds with, right? Like there's just giving myself permission to know that social health ebbs and flows and that we need to take care of our own needs and prioritize quality over quantity. That's one of the ones that might be a bit more surprising because despite having written a book called The Art and Science of Connection, I'm not saying you need to connect all the time.
45:40Yeah, I know for myself being an introvert, that can be frustrating for me at times to have the friends who prefer quantity over quality. And oftentimes I'll be struggling to hang out with them because they just have so much going on with surface level acquaintances and a busy social calendar that they don't have as much time to go deep on the areas or interests that I have. Yeah, it's interesting you say that. I feel the same way. And yet a challenge for both of us and other listeners who might identify with that. I've also read research showing that it can be helpful to push beyond our comfort zones.
46:16So as fireflies who love deep connection, like being more lighthearted sometimes and more casual and, you know, engaging in different ways, challenging ourselves in that ways. Or for extroverts, right? So for butterflies or evergreens, you know, carving out some alone time or refocusing on the people who are most important to you. So sometimes stretching a bit beyond what we're used to or what comes most naturally can actually have benefits for our social health as much as we might not want to. One of the things that I wanted to point out was also, just because it is so much more important to have quality over quantity, those people who think to themselves in hearing that, well, I do have my one friend and he's always there.
47:04It's like, well, great. You have the one friend who's always there. But imagine having three who you have that same high-quality relationship with. And then imagine doing your daily missions or going off out of your comfort zone to learn new disciplines and having three of them cheering you on than just one. Well, now you're cooking with gas. Now that you have a lot of momentum and support going your way. And so something that we want our audience to realize when we talk about networking, like I'm certainly not trying to meet everybody in the room. Neither is AJ. Neither of us at our age. I want to be friends with everybody either.
47:50However, we are looking for those gems, those high quality, high intent relationships that fuel us, that make us excited to go hang out with somebody, that make us want to step outside of our comfort zone. And you even mentioned it just there that, hey, stepping outside of your comfort zone is difficult. Yet any of us who want to make something of our lives have to do that. So you're going to need that support and you're going to need high quality support, not friends who are there to wave at you while you're climbing up the hill, cursing your name as you're coming back down. Yeah, those are really great points.
48:30You make a fantastic point earlier that I think for a lot of us can be challenging, which is we really want to welcome in diverse friends and diverse backgrounds into our social life. It's very easy to fall into a comfort zone with a certain type of individual or certain activity that brings us together. But even what our X Factor Accelerator members have found, that the more you bring diverse backgrounds together and foster exposure and relationships across diverse backgrounds, the more enriched your life is. and much like you, I had a wedding in Europe. I have European friends. I have American friends.
49:06I've lived on both coasts. I'm from the Midwest and it was so great to bring all of these friends and family together from diverse backgrounds and just to sit back at my wedding and watch them all interacting and getting along and realizing that, wow, I actually have spent a lot of time collecting relationships across diverse locations and backgrounds and careers, professional aspirations and I feel so much better for it. And I think a lot of times it's too easy for us to get too zoned in on, okay, I only have friends who are engineers or I only have my friends who grew up in this neighborhood from high school that I stay close with and we don't pursue maybe some more diverse relationships that could really increase our social health.
49:47Absolutely. There was a really interesting study done in Japan where they compared the health outcomes of people who primarily had connections with people who were like them. So similar age, similar socioeconomic background, similar education, and so on. They compared their health to people who had a lot of connections that were diverse, like you said. So people of different ages, people of different interests, political beliefs, right? Religious affiliations, things like this. And they found in their analysis that only the latter, so only having those diverse ties, predicted health outcomes, which is really interesting.
50:24Of course, there's still benefits to connecting with people who are like you. But I think it's easy to underestimate the value of this. And I think right now we need to be connecting across these differences more than ever, especially in the political climate, like recognizing that there's value in being curious and asking questions and trying to find common ground with people who are very different from you. One thing that I think is really undervalued in our society is intergenerational connection. Like, it's kind of weird that most people are just friends with people the same age as them. There's so much beautiful exchange to be had in both directions for bringing together people of different ages and sharing wisdom, again, in both directions.
51:10So that's something I'd love to see a lot more of. Well, that's a big point. I mean, in certain cultures, the intergenerational connections are in the house. And we are so fragmented that we don't even have that in our own families, let alone in our friends, which is a great loss. Yeah. Yeah, and I know in our career, as we've started the company in our 20s and we're working with clients who are in their 50s and 60s, and now Johnny's hitting his 50s and I'm older than 20s and we're working with 20-somethings. You know, it's worked both ways, and it's been phenomenal to have that opportunity to coach clients on both ends in both generational spectrums to keep us young and vibrant and up with what's going on and trends and interesting conversation.
52:03I grew up in a very social, active life. For me as a kid, it was skateboarding and playing in bands. And as a skateboarder or as somebody who was musical, we had to be social to make things happen. If we wanted to build a skate park, if we wanted to have punk rock shows, we had to go to the mall. We had to hand out flyers. We had to make everything happen. We had to become social. And now at 50 years old, and this just happened the other day, I had some friends playing that I've known since high school. I went to their show and we were laughing like we're still doing the same thing from high school.
52:35But I know that when I go to a local show or to any show, I know that a majority of that crowd might be my own age if it's a band or contemporaries of mine. Or if it's a younger band, I'm going to be one of the oldest people there. And that doesn't bother me. In fact, I'm excited about it because I love the people watching. And as somebody who has obsessed and has studied human behavior for close to 20 years now, I'm in my element at that point. And I get off on that. I mean, because there's so much to learn. It's just so much fun to have all of those different perspectives. I totally agree. Also, a fun fact, in 2016, I started a women's skateboarding club.
53:17So I got together about 10 women to all learn to skateboard together. Nice. Are you still skateboarding? No, I gave it up because I realized I didn't want brain damage and it seemed too likely. You might be explaining a lot about Johnny with that. Well, in closing, I'd love to hear, I know that Johnny and I at times have been a bit pessimistic around technology in the social realm, especially the empty calories of replacing these connections with the digital connections alone. You know, what do you feel optimistic about as technology gets more interwoven culturally into our relationships and connection?
53:58Well, funnily, after researching for the book, I came out feeling more pessimistic about technology than I had been before. However, I am optimistic because of the amount. Yeah, I know. It's a little depressing to look through the research. The more you know about human behavior, the easier it is to become black-pilled on everything. But I think there are two compelling reasons to be optimistic about it. And one is that there is so much innovation going on in this space. I mean, back in 2020, I created this just list of all the startups I knew who were specifically designing technology tools, apps and platforms and whatever to address loneliness and to foster social health.
54:44And at that time, I knew of over 200. That was just like me, just kind of off the top of my head, companies that I knew who were working on this. There are so many more. I mean, there are thousands of startups in this space. I get emails from entrepreneurs or messages on LinkedIn every single week about a new kind of approach that they're taking, specifically using technology for this. So I think that gives me hope. And the second reason is that collectively, we're all worried about this, right? There is kind of an awakening going on and a reckoning with the fact that parts of what we've done with our virtual world are working and other parts are not.
55:28And I liken it to, you know, earlier times in history when we had to reorient and integrate new tools into our lives and figure out what that meant. We're still in the baby steps, right? Like we're still in the early days. And so I think that it will get better from here. It's just we're going through those growing pains right now. Yeah. Couldn't agree more on both fronts and appreciate that. I know that Johnny and I at times can be quite frustrated as a lot of our clients are coming out of the technological haze and feeling bad about themselves due to social media, feeling disconnected from the people in their life that they would like to be more connected to, and then also feeling left behind where it feels outside looking in that everyone else has this vast social health advantage that you don't have just looking at everyone's news feed.
56:17I'd love for you to give one tip or piece of advice for those in our audience who are recognizing that their social health could use a jumpstart, could use a bit of improvement as we close today's episode. Thank you for sharing that. I totally agree. And one kind of closing tip I would say is that you don't have to overhaul your life in order to be more socially healthy. And we talked about that earlier. And I want to come back to that theme because there are really small steps that you can do each day. It could be as simple as writing a or adding a gratitude reminder on your calendar each Friday to send a note at 10 a.m.
56:57each Friday to someone in your work or in your life to say thank you for something they did in the week prior or something about them that you appreciate. It could be once a day having an alarm that goes off that reminds you to text your mom or call your grandma or do one small act of connection. And so we can weave these into our calendars even to remind us of this importance. And even if that feels a bit mechanic, that's okay. It's just about developing that muscle and strengthening it over time. Well, thank you so much for joining us. Where can our audience find out more about the book? Sure.
57:37So you can connect at casleykillem.com. You'll find the link to my book there, as well as to my newsletter, where you can stay in touch and get regular updates and insights on this topic. Thank you for stopping by. This was fantastic. Thank you.
58:01What a fun episode. And this brings us to this week's X Factor Accelerator shout out. Take it away, Chris. Hey, everyone. My name is Chris. I'm a financial advisor. And I joined X Factor to build better relationships, really, with my friends, at work, and also with my family. And X Factor really helped me not just with the course material and all the ways I could improve, but also in helping me implement all of these different teachings, giving me an outlet and a network to practice these things, to troubleshoot in a way a lot of situations I was going through and really provide some real world applications and have fun along the way too.
58:49And the thing I'm looking forward to the most is continuing to develop. They say iron sharpens iron and being able to work with the other guys in the group has really proved that. And I'm looking forward to continuing to, you know, build better relationships with the existing folks that I hold near and dear to me, but also meeting new people out there. So, you know, looking forward to hopefully meeting you guys in the future as you join the X Factor. It's worth it. Thank you very much, Chris. It was a pleasure working with you too. 95 % of your success or failure in life comes down to who you surround yourself with.
59:25David McClellan of Harvard did a 25-year study on the characteristics of highly motivated, successful people. The people you habitually associate yourself with determine the level of success you achieve. Who you let in your inner circle has a huge impact on your beliefs, your values, and your actions. Here's the kicker. We all have this reference group. Think of them as your personal board of directors. Surround yourself with winners and magic happens. Imagine transforming your everyday just by upgrading your tribe. We created a free mini course for Art of Charm listeners with our best networking strategies and mindsets.
1:00:02Social capital networking is not just another networking guide. It's your doorway to turning acquaintances into lasting connections. Real relationships that push you towards your goals, both personal and professional. Head over to theartofcharm.com. slash at if you got value out of this or any of our podcasts head on over to your favorite podcast player and rate and review the show it means the world to us and it helps others find the show and before we head out a huge thank you to our producers Michael Harold and Eric Montgomery until next week go out there and crush it yeah I remember you You were the bad boy You threw your love away Like it was just a toy And you sold the world You sold the tragedy Cause you had your taste All black on yesterday Yeah, but I remember you Oh yeah, I remember you If I'm not there But I'm not there I'm not there I'm not there
From the publisher
In today's episode, we explore the vital importance of social health, strategies to foster meaningful connections, and the transformative power of relationships with Kasley Killam, a renowned expert in social health and connection. Kasley has dedicated over a decade to advancing global well-being through her work with organizations like Google, the US Department of Health and Human Services, and the World Economic Forum. Her insights have been featured in prestigious publications such as The New York Times, Scientific American, and Psychology Today. In this episode, we uncover key takeaways from her book, "The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier," available now.
Join us for an insightful conversation with Kasley Killam, where she explores the essential components of social health and the art of building meaningful connections. How can you enhance your social well-being in a world increasingly driven by technology and individualism? What are the fundamental practices to nurture quality relationships that truly enrich your life? Kasley shares her expert strategies for assessing and improving your social health, drawing from her extensive research and impactful work. Discover the transformative 531 guideline for social connection and the steps to integrate diverse, fulfilling relationships into your daily life.
What to Listen For
Introduction – 00:00:27
How does Kasley Killam's extensive background in social health and public health shape her approach to building meaningful connections?
What inspired Kasley to focus on social health and connection in her career?
How does Kasley define the concept of social health and its significance in today’s society?
How Can You Understand and Improve Your Social Health? – 00:02:15
Why does Kasley believe that social health is as important as physical and mental health?
How can you accurately assess your own social health?
What are the three core characteristics of being socially healthy?
How Does Technology Impact Your Social Health? – 00:10:28
How does technology influence our social health, both positively and negatively?
What are the pitfalls of relying too much on technology for social connections?
How can you use technology thoughtfully to enhance your social health?
What is the 531 Guideline and How Can It Transform Your Life? – 00:19:22
What is the 531 guideline and how can it help improve your social health?
How can you implement the 531 guideline in your daily life?
What are some practical examples of connecting with five different people each week?
How do you bring connection back into your life if you feel isolated?
What are the signs that the relationships you are in are not mutually beneficial and holding you back?
Why Should You Cultivate Diverse Relationships? – 00:36:18
Why is it important to have a diverse social portfolio?
How do connections with people from different backgrounds and cultures benefit your social health?
What steps can you take to build and maintain diverse relationships?
How Can You Prioritize Connection in a Busy Life? – 00:41:14
What small steps can you take to weave connection into your busy schedule?
How can you be present and prioritize quality over quantity in your interactions?
Why is it essential to balance alone time and social time, especially for introverts?
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