3-Step Framework That Turns Strangers into Friends [Social Intelligence Brief]

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1:15So today you're going to learn our three-step research back playbook to plug in a brand new social circle in a new town in weeks, not months. And this works even if you are jumpstarting your current social circle. So maybe you're not even moving, but you want to shake things up and build some new friendships. You're going to walk away knowing where to meet future friends, how to spark instant trust and why working up a sweat might be your fastest community hack. We're going to move fast and it's going to be about 15 minutes. So make sure that you've got your notes worked out and you're ready to go.

1:57Now, why does social intelligence matter when you relocate? The science is clear. Within the first 90 days, residents who form at least one close tie report 52 % higher life satisfaction scores and are 40 % more likely to stay in that city two years later. from my alma mater, University of Michigan Mobility Study. So you're only the new guy or gal for so long. In fact, the new guy gets treated with open arms. But guess what? You can't use that years later. Oh, I moved to this town years ago and I'm still starting to find a social circle. Doesn't have the same ring to it. Everyone's gonna wanna show you around.

2:37Everyone's gonna wanna help support you. The community is gonna be opening up their arms for you in that first 90 days. But here's the thing. Most of us fall into what we call bubble living, meaning we move to that new location and it's work and home. We're setting up the PS5. We're getting comfortable with the brand new custom couch and we're figuring out the fastest way to get to work. And guess what? That bubble living means you're missing out on a rich, weak tie network that's going to accelerate opportunities and help your well-being. AJ, I've certainly been in both of those positions. When I was a young man and I first moved to North Carolina, 21 years old, I was young, I was shy, and I didn't make the most of being the new guy.

3:28I was still shy, still trying to find my way It was the first time that I've ever been in a new place So when we moved to New York And then moved to LA, starting The Art of Charm Having that opportunity to redo Those, to reinvent myself In both of those towns was incredibly exciting especially coming off a few years of studying social dynamics. I had a plan when I got to New York and how I wanted to handle it. And that was fun and that was crazy. But then when we were moving to LA, an opportunity to refine all of the mistakes that I made going to New York, going to LA. So we're going to break those things down so you don't make those mistakes either.

4:25You know what they say, Johnny, the third time is the charm. And that's exactly what worked when we moved to LA. And it's interesting though, because the longer you stay in that bubble, the harder it is to break out. So science shows that first 90 days is key. But if you're only focused on working home and just getting settled, it's going to be really hard for you to get going. So how do we break out of that? The first thing we want you to recognize is that we have what we call a third place. You might not have it clearly defined. You might not be aware of what it is. But outside of home and work, where are you going to spend your time?

5:00That third place is key. And the sooner that you can figure that out when you move or you're setting up a new social circle, the better. Right, Johnny? Absolutely. Ray Oldenburg put out a book many years ago called The Great Good Place, and it discusses what a third place is. It's an incredible book, very compelling. I recommend it. However, we can cut straight to the chase. It is the place outside of work, outside of home, where everything is neutral and everyone is level. And it is set up for mingling. It is set up to be a social space. And there's tons of different examples. So independent coffee shops are great.

5:46Dog parks, faith-oriented fellowship halls, a meetup library. My personal favorite, performance arts venues. There are great scenes in every town where you might see new comedians and music and improv. These places are very lively and appreciate new faces. And if anyone's thinking, well, those things don't exist in my town. Listen, I have to tell you, I grew up in a town of 16 ,000 people. That's my hometown. And I was just back there last year to visit. And there was several of these new performance art spaces that have popped up. So they are everywhere. And those spaces also host a lot of different things, such as tech mixers, entrepreneur mixers, fitness, the list goes on.

6:45It's important to recognize that these spaces, although they may be harder to find than previous generations, are where all the action happens. So the sooner you can find that third place when you move, the sooner you can figure out where you're comfortable going a few times a week. And it doesn't have to be for a long amount of time that you spend there. But that frequency is going to create propinquity or the mere exposure effect, which means we like people we see often. Why did you have that crush on the person that's next to you in middle school? Because you saw them every day. And the more you saw them, the more you grew to like them.

7:22So a third place, as Johnny said, creates an equality where everyone is on the same playing field. It's level. It's meant to socialize and mix. but also it creates an opportunity for you to become the familiar face that allows science to work towards connection. As the weather finally cools down, I'm swapping in the pieces that actually get the job done. Warm, durable, and built to last. And Quince delivers every time. Quince has all the fall staples you actually want to wear on repeat, like 100 % Mongolian cashmere sweater starting at just 60 bucks, classic fit denim, and real leather and wool outerwear that looks sharp and holds up.

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9:49And again, if you're the new guy, everyone's like, hey, who is that person? Especially they see you the first time. They're like, oh, new face, right? Maybe you make your way over to them, maybe not. But if you try, what we want to do is try to meet a few people every time we go out, but we'll get to that in a moment. But by the second, third, you now are becoming a regular. You're now familiar. This gives everybody there the opportunity to go, hey, I noticed that you're new, that you've been coming here regularly. My name's Mark. What's yours? Because people are interested in that new person.

10:27That novelty is special. So we want to capitalize on that. Imagine going to your third place a couple of times a week and speaking to one to three new people each time, connecting with some great conversation that you learn from us here, especially if you're in our X-Factor Accelerator sessions. And you'll have a packed social calendar in just a couple months. And new social circle of like-minded, high-achieving people who will support you in all of your new adventures. Now, when I moved to North Carolina, I ended up becoming the manager and bartender and talent buyer at a performance art space.

11:15And I had become every new person's first friend because I recognized who the new person was, who had been coming in. Hey, I noticed you were here at the other show the other week. You knew in town? Yes, absolutely. And this is why I understand the dynamic of the new person so much. It's because as a bartender, when that new person came in for me, somebody who's been in this small college town for so long, I was bored with all of the people that I had met. That new face was exciting. So I would take that person out. I would give them the rundown of what was going on in town. Oh, if you like these shows, you got to check out this place.

11:57Have you been over here yet? Oh, and make sure that you go to this record bar on Saturdays. They have these afternoon matinee shows. And, and if I wasn't busy, I would take that person because I knew me hanging out with a new person. Everyone's going to want to know who I was hanging out with. So it wasn't, it was a lot of fun. And we want to, we want you to capitalize on that novelty. And here's the thing. The third place doesn't have to be a bar or involve alcohol. I know what you may be thinking. I'm not drinking. I love exercise. I want to be more physically fit. So just because we said music venue or bar, that's not the only third place out there.

12:34In fact, this reminds me of our client, Luke, who moved to Austin and he joined a run club. Talk about outdoors. So third place being a run club meeting destination every single week. And he started going to the run club. And sure enough, after a few sessions, got to know a handful of people. Now he recognized that he also wanted to push himself a little bit. And of course, one of our comfort zone challenges is to pursue a passion or a hobby that maybe in your old town you hadn't, but in a new town you wanna check out. So he recognized that there was an open mic night going on locally, and he had always wanted to do a little bit of standup.

13:09So he happened to share this at Run Club, and sure enough, he had a few Run Club members join him on his open mic night, and he had a chance to become a regular performer after that one night. So here's the thing. You may be thinking, wow, all right, third place, I understand how important it is. what do we say once we're meeting these people at the third place? Because that's really important and that's number two. Trust is built through disclosure. And the sooner that you can get a little vulnerable, the easier and faster it's going to be to make friends. Now, this is a micro technique that we love teaching in our implementation sessions.

13:45And this is the because disclosure statement. Mind if I join you for two minutes because I'm new to town and I'm just scouting out the best pour over. What'd you notice there? That because statement created an opportunity to showcase, one, you're new to town, and two, a passion or interest of yours. In Ellen Langer's classic Xerox machine study, adding even a trivial because boosted compliance. So there were people waiting in line to use a photocopy machine. Think back in the day when we used those. And they had students try to cut the line. What they found was that if students added a simple because statement, I have to print because this paper is due in the next hour, can I get ahead of you?

14:29They were more likely to be able to cut in line, meaning they got more compliance. And here's the funny part. You could say because my dog died has nothing to do with why the paper needed to be photocopied and it still led to compliance. Now, when you pair that with personal disclosure, you trigger the norm of reciprocity. you have a rapid rapport building formula on your hands. So when you start saying, because I'm new to town, you're going to find that people light up and want to show you around. AJ, this is one of my favorite implementation sessions because yes, the light bulbs go off on people because it's just a different way of thinking about your communication because you're You're not small talking just to small talk.

15:17There is the ask, there's the because disclose, which states who you are and that interest. This is locking in. I hear people complain about hating small talk every day. The only reason that you hate small talk is because you're stuck in it and you don't know how to get yourself out. This does it. And so in practicing it, it's on the tip of your tongue, you become comfortable with it, And all of a sudden it becomes part of your conversational repertoire. It's muscle memory. It just comes out. All right. Now the third environment that is so key, we got to get those endorphins running. Join a physical activity club.

15:59This could be a golf club. This could be a racquetball club. This could be a CrossFit gym. This could be a Barry's Bootcamp class. Do something physical in a group environment. It has been found that synchronized or strenuous activity elevates endorphins and pain thresholds in groups, producing a biochemical social glue. Is there anything better than being able to break a sweat in a group setting for you creating sociability? Not at all. In fact, Oxford rowers who paddled in unison showed significantly higher endorphin surges than those who are rowing solo. So what does that mean? By breaking a sweat, finding those physical social activities, you're going to create more opportunities quickly as that new person in town or jumpstarting your social circle to make friends.

16:50Choose activities with built in post workout hangs, cool downs, scorekeeping, smoothie bars. In fact, the run club that I go to in Venice, we go out for Mexican after running. And funny enough, yeah, there's a lot of people there grabbing a beer after going on a long run. It just creates a social reason after releasing those endorphins for us to get together and hang out. And it creates the opportunity for you to make new friends. In fact, our X Factor accelerator member, Shil, moved from Chicago to New York City, and he was very intimidated by the move. I know it's big city to even bigger city.

17:27And we were game planning what he could do to jumpstart his social circle and he had recognized that he wanted to lose a little bit of weight. He wanted to have gym access. He didn't have gym access in his building. And he found a racquetball club that actually had a pretty reasonable membership fee in Manhattan, which is shocking. He joined the racquetball club, started showing up just for his workouts, but he packed his racquetball gear. And sure enough, he got invited to play one day and he made a social circle out of racquetball. So that's the crazy thing about this. Once you start to recognize that those endorphins are working to your advantage to create the social glue, you create ample opportunity by getting a workout in and meeting new people.

18:08So here's what we want you to do this week. We want you to practice and get some low stakes reps. Block out two recurring weekly slots. Just give yourself an hour each time to find that third place and treat them like meetings. They are non-negotiables. You're going to show up for an hour, stay there for an hour, do it a couple times a week, and you're going to find that third place quickly. Then we want you to script three because disclosures. So think about three things about yourself and add a because disclosure to the end of it. I love pour over coffee because it's a little ritual and creates that science moment for me in the mornings.

18:45Those because disclosures are going to be the bullets in your chamber to have these great conversations when you're meeting all these new people at the third place. and then test drive a few workout classes. Try something that gets you physical, gets your body moving and has a social environment over the next week. And you're gonna find that members are gonna start inviting you to do things. And that's amazing. When people start inviting you to do more things because they're seeing you again and again, you have unlocked the next level of social success, baby. All right, are you ready for this week's challenge?

19:17Every week we give you a challenge and we wanna hear how it goes. So head on over to our Instagram, hit us up in the DMs if you enjoyed and completed this challenge or last week's challenge. This one is the triple stack. Head to your chosen third place, open a conversation and add that because disclosure and then invite someone to join you for a physical activity. Maybe it's a hike, maybe it's a workout class, maybe it's a round of golf. Do the triple stack this week and hit us up in the DMs and let us know how it went. We wanna hear and the fastest transformation we're gonna be shouting out on our next episode.

19:50So moving to a new town does not equal starting over. We're taking all those great tools and experiences and now we're using them to our advantage to find a new tribe. Think of it as your lab for practicing elite social intelligence. We're gonna see you at the coffee counter, the copy machine line or the squat rack. It doesn't matter. We wanna see you putting these strategies into action. All right, quick reality check. Everything we shared today works. But if you want accountability, feedback and a proven roadmap, to make these moves automatic, you're gonna need more than a podcast episode. Exactly, and that's why we built the Art of Charm Social Intelligence Coaching Program to hardwire these skills so you walk into any city and people gravitate towards you.

20:35Inside, you'll get social intelligence coaching, weekly live drills with a curated crew, and personalized action plans. No generic advice, just targeted reps that fit your life and goals. Spots fill up fast because we keep our cohorts small. So if you're serious about leveling up, apply right now at theartofcharm.com slash intel. It's free to apply and we'll hop on a quick call and see if it's a perfect fit. Think about it. 90 days from now, you could still be the new guy in town or you could be that guy that everyone introduces first. Hit theartofcharm.com slash intel while you're fired up. Do it.

21:12We can't wait to work with you and share your success story on a future episode. But till then, go out and try that triple stack and hit us up in the DMs. Let us know how it went.

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