3 Steps For Building Friendships As An Adult

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2:58Welcome to the Art of Charm podcast, where we break down the science of powerful communication and winning mindsets so you have the cheat code to succeed with people. Every episode is jam-packed with actionable steps to unlock the hidden superpowers inside of you. Level up with us each week by listening to interviews with the best in business, psychology, and relationships. We distill thousands of hours of research into the most effective tools and the latest science so you can start winning today. Let's face it, in order to be seen and heard, your communication needs to cut through the noise.

3:28And we're going to show you how. I'm AJ, successfully recovered introvert, entrepreneur, and self-development junkie. And I'm Johnny Zubak, former touring musician, promoter, rock and roller, and co-founder here at The Art of Charm. And for the last 15 years, we've trained thousands of top performers and teams from every background. We have dedicated our lives to teaching men and women all they need to know about communication, networking, and relationships. You shouldn't have to settle for anything less than extraordinary. All right, today's episode, I'm joined by Johnny and Michael to discuss making friends as an adult.

4:05And this is one of the reasons that many of our clients join our coaching programs. because we're struggling as adults to find and make new friends. And of course, we think about our past, school, activities organized for us. There was a lot of space in our lives to be social, meet and connect with new people. Recently, Cal Newport joined the show, and he was talking about this rise in pseudo-productivity, where our work is now boundless. We are 24-7, 365, expected to be responding to Slack messages and email and pseudo-productivity, busy work that keeps us always on on the work front. That makes it difficult to actually find the space, the time in our lives to plan to be more social and, of course, create those friendships that are so meaningful.

4:52I know in the past we've also talked to Dr. Robert Waldinger about the importance of a healthy social life and fulfilling relationships in your life create longevity, mental, physical, and emotional health. So it is important to our survival that we are continuing to build and strengthen relationships even as adults. So today we really wanted to talk about what are some trends that we're seeing? Why are some reasons that clients are joining our coaching program around strengthening their social connections, growing their social capital, and some strategies that you can implement after today's show to make making friends as an adult easier, more fun, more enjoyable, and less like a second job, a side hustle, or a full-time job.

5:37So as we jump in, I want to talk first about the loneliness epidemic. I know we've shared some stats in the past on the show about this, and there inevitably comes some people responding. I'm not feeling lonely because we think about loneliness as maybe having no friends or having no social ties or connections. But in actuality, what we're talking about today in terms of loneliness is just growing distant and growing apart from people in your life, seeing meaningful people in your life less frequently, or maybe moving across the country and not being as connected as you were to past social ties can lead to this aching, nagging feeling of, I want more in my social life.

6:18I want to be more fulfilled. I want to feel more connected. I don't want to feel so distant from my friends who got married, had kids, moved away, or their career has taken over their life. And I know, Michael, in researching for this episode, you found some great stats around this feeling that we're all having around loneliness. Yeah, there were actually two massive surveys released just at the end of last year, and one was done by Meta and Gallup. And they found that almost a quarter of adults worldwide reported being fairly lonely or very lonely. And so in total, that's more than a billion people.

6:57And the survey was massive. It was conducted in 142 countries. And what they found was that 24 % of people 15 years or older reported feeling very lonely or fairly lonely when they were asked, how lonely do you feel? So now 142 countries. So I thought to myself, ah, yeah, that's not the Western world, right? That's not the US. That's not Europe. That's especially those countries. They rate even higher than 25%. They're more in the range of 30%. And the other survey that I found was done by the US Surgeon General. It's called Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. And they found that especially young adults had the highest rate of loneliness.

7:39those between 19 and 29 years old those were those that responded most enthusiastically to being asked, hey how lonely do you not most enthusiastically they were the strongest with their answer when they said hey I actually really feel lonely and for those that did not report loneliness or social isolation 90 % of them had three or more confidence. Now, half of Americans in 2021 reported having three or fewer close friends, people they can actually turn to when they want to do something, when they struggle. And in 1990, only a quarter of people would actually respond that they have only three or less close friends.

8:31yeah um well i don't even know where to begin because we've talked about this subject uh over the last 17 years and when we first breached this subject we talked about the technology at hand and this is like 17 years ago and we discussed that we are now being dealt curated, algorithmically chosen experiences that are exactly what we are looking for. And it never ends. So if I have the choice to leave my house, drive somewhere, go to somewhere where I don't know who's going to be there, how long I'm going to be there, if I'm going to enjoy myself, I have a ton of unknowns versus a curated, amazing experience that is for me and has been selected for me through the choices that I have made.

9:44We said back then that this epidemic was only going to get worse. It has. We said then that the experiences that were curated for us were only going to get better. And they have. And the social media outlets and websites that people spend their time on, TikTok and all of the Telegram, they go on forever. The curated scroll has been designed so that you stay on these accounts and you keep consuming and it hits your everything that you want. And what are they calling it? Dopamine fixes, right? And we're going to chase that. So I think for a lot of people, they have to understand that they are comfortable and they're not leaving the house because of these algorithms and how it is set up to curate the content that you're looking for.

10:55So now that you know that you're enjoying or you're stuck in them or you're lonely now because you have spent all of this time alone, well, there is a reason for that. So I think for a lot of people, the first thing that they have to admit to is I'm comfortable, but I'm lonely and I'm lacking in connection and friends and relationships are more important to me than another Friday night on TikTok. And if you don't make that choice, nothing is going to change. So you have to first admit that there's a problem. In the last 17 years, we've now developed a term, parasocial relationship, where we We are starting to develop relationships with our favorite creators that are one directional, meaning we consume their life.

11:51We feel connected to what they're showcasing for us. And this rise of parasocial relationships is how celebrities and artists market themselves to us to grow that connection with their fan base. But there's no real connection happening there. We know what's going on in their life, but they're not invested in our lives. They're not consuming what's happening for us. And as you said, it creates this empty caloric feeling of eating junk food, that I've consumed content that gives me dopamine, that allows me to feel connected. But at the end of the day, I've lost my confidence. I don't have those people that I can share my frustrations with, my goals, my challenges, my things in my life that I want to celebrate, that I want to connect with other people around.

12:36Yes, those parasocial connections are inadequate. They are, what's the term? Junk calories, right? It serves its purpose to keep you occupied and distract you from your loneliness in the moment. and gives you just enough to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling that you made the right choice. But when that drug wears off, you're back to staring at the ceiling going, what's wrong with my life? And some of our clients have seen it in other people. So they've lost friends and relationships to parasocial relationships, to video games, to people focusing more on their work, giving up their third place, as we've talked about in the past.

13:22That opportunity to socialize has dwindled in a lot of our lives as we've seen the rise in pseudo productivity. We've seen technology inject into our attention economy, stealing away our time and attention from investing in real quality relationships in our life. And it's frustrating when you look around and you don't have the social opportunities that you had, let's say, in college or in high school that were planned for you, that were set up, that you just had to show up and naturally social connection happened. So once you've recognized that this is a area of focus for you, maybe a struggle, frustration, you're starting to feel the tinge of loneliness, recognizing that you're drifting away from people in your life, what do we do to start building relationships?

14:12And I know that's typically one of the first questions that clients will ask us when they join the program is they want to know, okay, well, what can I do about it? How can I start going out there and meeting new people and connecting with new people in my life? And we often ask, well, what do you do for fun? What are your hobbies? What are your passions? What are you engaging with outside of work and outside of family? Because that is typically where the best social options are going to lie. And unfortunately, a lot of us have allowed our hobbies and passions and pursuits to dwindle as well. I think a lot of us have never recovered from cutting back when we were in the middle of and having to deal with COVID.

14:56Everyone had to pull back of the activities that they were doing, the outings that they were going to. And certainly they had to let go a lot of relationships that just weren't as functional or just able to continue those connections during COVID. And because of that, there's never been the great recovery after COVID of going back out, being social. I mean, we certainly have seen businesses ask their employees to start coming back to the office. But again, there was a reason for that. Those businesses realized that they were struggling. They didn't have much cohesion in the office. It was difficult for some of these leaders to motivate their team members.

15:42And there's just not going to be the camaraderie that people have when they see and hang out and talk with each other on a daily basis. And, and that team morale goes a long way in being productive. Now, AJ, you're going to talk about the pseudo productivity that you had talked about with Cal Newport. But the one thing I wanted to say before that is that the team morale, right? The synergy between team members that fire each other up, that the, a healthy competition between people getting inspired when you see somebody that you care about, put in extra work and want to match them and get fired up for a product, a project that's that's lost when everybody is working in in different places i and in fact i mean i feel it just within our own company luckily it's we're a small unit and we talk uh regularly but when you don't have that uh those personal and in in-person interactions there's a lot of momentum energy, synergy, and excitement that you lose with that.

16:58Those large companies seen it, right? They asked everyone to come back. I think Elon Musk was one of the first people to like, listen, you're coming back to work. Pick up your stuff, get in your office, let's go. Yeah. I think what was interesting in the conversation with Cal Newport around pseudo productivity is that this always on environment that's been created has led people to feel differently about remote work. Some enjoy it immensely because it allows them to actually have the space in their life to do deep work. And maybe they're introverted, so they don't have to deal with the interaction and the team morale and the collaboration that you mentioned there, Johnny.

17:38Some people really want to go back to the office and really crave that because they're extroverted and they found a lot of meaning and value in the relationships that they had at work. and yet we're trying to sort out this balance. But along with that, there's this never-ending nagging pressure of, I have to respond to everything immediately. I have to communicate on every platform that the company assigns to me. And I can't put my phone down for hobbies and passions and pursuits. So we see clients looking at us and they, oh, AJ, that'd be great, but I got to answer this slack. I don't have time to engage with hobbies and passions right now.

18:16So AJ, I'm going to add to that as well. You mentioned that the extroverts were the ones yearning for that office, you know, and working with our clients and researching and looking at all the stats I have seen and read a lot about the introverts who, yeah, they don't want to talk with people. They don't want to have a lot of interactions, but they like to be in the office environment. it. Other people conjugating and walking around and hanging out lifted them up. They just weren't the kind of people that wanted to feel obligated to go with everybody to have drinks after work or to make sure that everyone is going to lunch together.

18:56They like their quiet time, but they like to be in a vibrant office space. Coming back to this one thing you said, AJ, stuck with me where clients come to us and they say, okay, I have my work and I have my stuff that I do at home, but I don't have like friends to hang out with. I don't, and I don't have any hobbies that I'm doing. I don't have any passions. I don't have things that fire me up that I'm doing in my spare time. And then they have it backwards because they come to us and they say, I know how to fix that. I just need a couple of friends and then they will take me by the hand and they will drag me to all those fun events that they are doing.

19:33So my problem is if I have, I don't have any friends, but if I bring them in, now my leisure time and hobbies, my passions are taken care of because they will entertain me. And of course that does not work because the last thing a person that you've just met wants to do is turn into your personal entertainer and tour guide. Yeah. And I think what's challenging in a lot of ways is maybe those hobbies and passions and pursuit you enjoy doing with friends, but those friends have lost interest in those hobbies or passions, or they've redirected their energy now to raising a family or to growing their business or to advancing their career.

20:09And sometimes there's this self-judgment of, well, why am I sticking with this hobby or passion if it's no longer important to my friends that I enjoyed it with? Why am I still in this trying to build this band? Or why am I still trying to golf when everyone else now doesn't have any time for these activities. So there is also a level of self judgment and self criticism that we have to overcome around losing things that are important to us because the social pressure around us has said, maybe that's not as meaningful. So step one in recognizing this phenomenon is to ask yourself, am I engaging in something that fulfills me, that gives me life, joy, and fun outside of work and outside of my family?

20:54Do I have that pursuit? Do I have something that I'm engaging with in a meaningful way in my leisure time? Or as Johnny was sharing earlier, am I just a passive consumer of everyone else's content and everyone else's fun that's going on in their lives on this little device that's in my pocket. Once we recognize that that's really the first step to take, to start to reinvigorate yourself, to become high value, as we talk about on the show, when you actually have activities that light you up, that you're passionate about, when you actually go out to socialize and meet new people, that draws and attracts the right people to you.

21:34So instead of being that beacon of, I need someone else for fulfillment, I need someone else to plan things for me. If I just find someone else, then I'll find my hobbies or passions. That actually works against you. It's a beacon for the wrong people in your life, the people who aren't doing exciting things, who might want to take from you versus when you recognize what you're passionate about and you start sharing that in conversation, you start engaging in social activities around that passion, everything becomes a lot easier in terms of making new friends. I guess just to add to that, everyone needs to think about, as you mentioned, AJ, what they're passionate about and start to think about those passions in relationship to how you engage in them.

22:22Right. Like I can engage with music through my devices and I do. I love listening to records. I love finding new bands. there's a lot of incredible ways where young emerging obscure artists are getting recognized on social media that i find utterly fascinating and it's it's a lot of fun engaging in that but ultimately at the end of the day to me nothing is better than seeing that that band that you discovered play live and that experience at least as of yet has not been duplicated to the heights of of actually going to see that band in real life and because of that that's the that's a motivator that gets me off the couch from a curated night of of discovering new bands or just blasting a record and zoning out to it, which I love to do.

23:29And I will opt for that if I do not find a great show that I would rather go see live because, well, one, it's the performance aspect. But again, we are talking about getting together with other people, enjoying that experience with other people. And as much as I love zoning out to my favorite bands, zoning out to my favorite bands with other people next to me and join sharing in that emotional space is that much better. That's the, that's the human experience. The human experience is not enjoying that band by yourself. It's being in the room with, and sharing that experience with everybody else, including the people performing on the stage.

24:19And AJ, you were mentioning about the run club, right? Well, again, a passion and an interest that cannot be duplicated sitting on the couch. And you may be able to get, maybe get on a Peloton and get their headphones on and chat with somebody else who's also on their Peloton, but going riding together, going on a run together, going on a hike together, and sharing in that experience, that hike or run being difficult, hard, cold, right? It's in that struggle and completing that that friendships are deepened. And the science is clear on that 100%. Proximity and opportunities for contact, they set the stage for friendship.

25:11Without proximity, without opportunities for contact, nothing will happen. They do not guarantee that people become friends, but they are absolutely necessary for this interaction to start. Other factors would be common interests, reciprocity, vulnerability, and so on. And to your point earlier about work, Johnny, there's scientists make a difference between closed systems and chosen relationships so closed systems that's school that's work that's the military those are people that are put in front of you and you hang out with them because of the system you're in now friendships develop a lot faster a lot more solidly when it's chosen relationships because those happen primarily in leisure time.

26:02And so we have strong common interests at play here. Hey, listeners, have you felt like your networking was just a series of awkward handshakes and forgettable conversations? It's like you're collecting business cards instead of building actual connections. But what if we told you there's a better way? That's right. We're excited to share a fantastic resource for our professional listeners. It's the free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. And this isn't your typical networking advice. Nope. This masterclass dives deep. You'll learn how to transform your approach to connections, making your interactions more meaningful and honestly a lot more enjoyable.

26:39And the best part, it's completely free. You'll pick up strategies that are practical and easy to implement, boosting your confidence in any social situation. Just visit theartofcharm.com slash SC to sign up for free. Start building better relationships today because it's not who you know, but how you connect with them that really matters. Don't miss out. Go to theartofcharm.com slash SC and take your networking skills from awkward to awesome. You got nothing to lose and a whole network of opportunities to gain. So looking at that, I know the next obvious question is, well, I don't know what my hobbies or passions should be.

27:18So we know that step one is engaging in hobbies and passions is critical to forming new relationships. It creates the proximity. It creates the shared interest. It allows you an opportunity to be more social. So what I ask to you, if you're listening and you're finding that you're in that situation is one, are there any hobbies and passions that you put down due to work or due to moving or changes in your life that used to light you up that you haven't touched in a while? Maybe that's an opportunity there to explore those passions and hobbies in a social environment. If not, maybe it's worth investing some time in self-discovery over the next month or two of checking out a bowling league, an axe throwing league, going to a book club, joining a run club, checking out a golf league, doing something that you haven't done before, but you thought, man, that'd be really fun to check that out.

28:12Or maybe you thought about doing that as a kid, but it got pushed to the wayside with other priorities in your life. So create the space in your life to engage in hobbies and passions or to find hobbies and passions. Now, this is one thing that I want to point out that I think a lot of our top performers and go-getters who listen to this podcast fall into, which is, awesome, I'm going to engage in my hobbies and passions for the next two weeks straight. And inevitably, life gets in the way. We're faced with challenges. We get a work deadline that we weren't expecting. We have to go out of town to pitch something to a new investor.

28:50And all of a sudden, we've lost that momentum that we had around passions and hobbies. So start small and start with an amount of engagement that you can maintain over the next quarter. Maybe it's one night a week for the next three months. Maybe it's two weekend activities for the next three months that you can commit to, that you can look at your calendar and say, I'm going to make the space and effort in my life for, instead of trying to do it each and every day, recognizing that you haven't done it in the past is a recipe for disaster and a recipe to invite that inner critic in to say you're doing it wrong, that self-doubt of maybe I shouldn't be doing this, to go back to your comfort zone, which is that device as we talked about earlier.

29:31So recognizing that this is a struggle, recognizing that this is an area of weakness for you, once you commit to exploring and creating opportunities in your life around these passions and hobbies, you open up proximity to new people. You open up shared experiences and interests with these new people that you're socializing with. And what's really important is to create propinquity, which is consistency. So when you start showing up to that weekly run club every single Wednesday evening in Venice, over time, people are just naturally going to see you as a familiar, friendly face who has a shared interest.

30:09And that creates the space and the opportunity through propinquity for these social connections and ties to start to happen. So you can't do that if you do it sporadically and you just think of it on a random Wednesday night and then you forget about it for two months and you try to show back up again. So that's the importance of recognizing this is how much time and space I have reasonably to dedicate over the next quarter. And this is how I'm going to consistently show up in that time and space that I've defined for myself over the next quarter to create the propinquity, the familiarity that breeds these social connections that we're looking for.