3 Tips to Grow Your Charisma Instantly [Social Intelligence Brief]

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1:08Welcome back to our social intelligence series. Today, the hidden force that makes people instantly like and promote you. Now, charisma isn't just for introverts or performers. It's actually a scientific advantage that most people don't even realize that they're leaving career opportunities, deeper relationships, and influence on the table by completely ignoring it. Now, the research shows that your charisma determines how often you're invited, trusted, and remembered. And here's the kicker. People decide how they feel about you before they decide how skilled you are. You might be undervalued right now, not because of your lack of talent, but because others can't feel your presence.

1:47You ever wondered why some people light up the room without saying a word? Colleagues with average skills get all the credit, praise, or promotions? Or even worse, you keep hearing you're great at what you do, but you still feel invisible. It's not about louder voices or bigger personalities. Charisma is all about the subtle signals of warmth, competence, and connection you send, often without realizing. In this episode, we're gonna dive into the science of charisma, what makes someone instantly magnetic, it's not what you think, why likability is a career multiplier and not just a social bonus, and three surprisingly simple ways to boost your charisma starting today.

2:22Now, because once you understand the formula, you can actually show up as the most magnetic version of yourself without being fake, loud, or on. So how do we change our aura in the office or socially from boring and unapproachable to charismatic? Now, this is where a client of ours, Brett, comes in. Brett was loving the pandemic work from home, leaning in on the weekends, getting all the projects done, helping other team members get their projects done, often working almost double the hours of his peers. The problem came as he moved back to a hybrid working environment and he was super certain that he was going to get promoted.

3:01Well, he ended up not getting that promotion. And when he asked for feedback, his boss hit him in his track. You're cold and unapproachable. Now, he never thought that that would keep him from getting promoted. In fact, he thought going above and beyond and helping his coworkers with all of their projects and helping them get ahead would be enough. The leaning in at work and working harder than everyone else would be enough to get promoted. when in actuality, his charisma was, or lack thereof, charisma is what was holding him back. So when he joined our coaching program, his first question was, I don't wanna be boring.

3:35How do I become charismatic? And here's the thing, it's subtle, but when you actually are charismatic, it opens so many doors. It makes everything easier for you. So it's not a skill that we wanna overlook. Most people think you're born with it, but it actually is a skill we can develop, right, Johnny? yeah and not only can you develop it you can change the way you make others feel instantly and we're going to discuss that because what he had to do was reinvent himself in the office to get that raise to get that promotion and just imagine that you're doing all your work you're enjoying the work that you're doing.

4:19You're helping others out. You think you're putting in 110%. And then all of a sudden, you get told that you're cold and unapproachable. And he also took it. He's like, and of course, he took those things personally, but then also added in an unboring, right? Because what he wanted to do was go back into that office as a new person to be able to get that raise, to be approachable, to be warm. And when he sat down to figure out how he was going to do that, he didn't come up with anything. He began reading a bunch of books. He found our podcast and he learned that it was not about things that he could go into the office to do the next day, but what he was going to have to lean into to change the whole perception of that office.

5:22And here's the other thing. When your boss tells you that you need to make these specific changes, every boss knows that you will make those changes in front of the boss. so what he needed is to get social proof from others in the office that these changes happen and he knew that if other people were talking about him and talking about his utility the value in the office the wonderful changes he made then it was going to be apparent to more than just the boss, that this was a new him. And that's what he set out to do. And that's why he contacted us. Now, here's what's really interesting. He's actually not boring.

6:15He has a lot of stuff going on outside of work. He just never felt comfortable talking about it because it wasn't the office chatter. He didn't follow sports. He felt flat footed when things that he wasn't interested in came up in conversation. And unfortunately, that was actually shooting himself in the foot because the first part about being charismatic, and this was shown by a Princeton researcher, Susan Fisk, it's actually about warmth. People judge you first on warmth. Are you friendly, safe, human? And then they judge your skills. So in those moments where they were talking about sports or talking about things that he wasn't interested in or flat-footed in or didn't really know about, he stopped showing warmth.

6:57He got uncomfortable. He wasn't smiling as much. He wasn't engaged in conversation at all. And that lack of warmth, well, that signaled to the office that he's bored and boring. Now, here's what's funny about it. We actually fire mirror neurons when we're conversing with other people. So you being emotionally invested in the conversation, even if you don't know much about the topic or it's not an interest of yours, is key. the shared emotional state is what actually makes us charismatic. Now, people like you when they feel that you like them. It's not those who just think like you. So that's really important because in those moments where you might not know what's being shared at the water cooler or in the office, or maybe you're shying away from those breakout conversations before the Zoom starts or after the Zoom is over, guess what?

7:55Those are the moments where your charisma really shines and opens the doors to those opportunities. Of course, competence matters, but warmth gets our foot in the door. And that's really important when it comes to being charismatic. So what do we do with Brett? The first thing that we needed to look at is what Brett's default was. How does he show up in the office regularly? You know, he's like, it can't be my work because I'm helping others. Everyone comes to me. And so we figured out that Brett has a hardcore processing face. So processing face for men is when you go into your head to process information, to maul things over, to think about things, to problem solve and all the expression out of your face leaves.

8:44So when Brett was talking with people and he's in his head mauling things over, expressionless poker face that made others talking with Brett uncomfortable or that Brett was judging them. So they stopped coming to Brett with their problems. And because of that, he started avoiding those side conversations. He would find himself getting to work on time, never staying late. He avoided eating lunch with people. And if he had an option of work from home that afternoon, he chose it over going to the office. and he never wanted to proactively interact with people. So he didn't find himself going into his boss's office just to chat because he felt, well, his boss is into sports and he's not into sports.

9:29So he tried to avoid those situations where he could come across in that manner. But that lack of warmth was killing his opportunities. Now, we also saw the same thing happening socially. So he found himself constantly chasing people to try to get them to hang out. He would have to send out invites, hope that people wouldn't cancel last minute. He was not being invited to things. And he was very frustrated because he's like, after a long week at work, I'd love to have a packed social calendar on the weekend, invites that I could just show up to instead of me having to plan things, get my hopes up and then people not show up for me.

10:06So we're gonna give you three counterintuitive ways to be more charismatic. And we're gonna share exactly how Brett did it himself because these are going to shock you. I'm really excited to be sharing these because these strategies work incredibly well. Now, the first one, and this is really tough for our high achievers in the audience, so I might be talking to you. It's called the pratfall effect. And basically, Elliot Aronson discovered this in his research, that people like competent people more when they make a small mistake or reveal a flaw first. For example, admitting you're nervous before a big presentation at work or that you're not great at remembering names actually makes people like you more.

10:49So by acknowledging a small weakness or vulnerability or a slight incompetence, which many of us at work, we're wearing that mask of competence. We want to be seen as infallible. We want to be seen as always right. We avoid using this effect to our advantage. Now, why it works is because it signals authenticity. It lowers people's defenses and actually makes you more relatable because we've all felt that way. We've all been nervous before an interview. We've all been nervous before a presentation. And this one hack changed how Brett was able to build trust with people in the office. He actually went into the office that next week and he said, oh, man, I always feel flat footed in these conversations about sports because I don't watch a lot of basketball.

11:34And by doing that, while wearing a smile on his face, everyone kind of chuckled along and included him in the conversation. In the past, he would have avoided it completely because he didn't want to say, I don't watch sports. I'm not that into basketball. But you could see how that created a vicious cycle that was working against him. Yeah, this also humanized Brett because everyone saw him as the guy who was tops in his field. He was an intellectual. He's an academic. He's a tech guy. And so everyone just kind of saw him as this emotionalist amaton that just puts things together and does the work.

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14:45It's fast, it's powerful, and it shows emotional fluency. So again, this is what was lacking in those interactions that Brett was having at work and socially. And it makes people feel seen and deeply understood by you. Emotions are the currency that we are creating relationships with professionally and socially. And the more adept you are at recognizing and labeling those emotions in conversation, your charisma skyrockets and people will feel mirrored emotionally, not just listened to. You know, this was a breakthrough for Brett. And now in our implementation workshops, we were practicing this.

15:23And Brett was looking for a way in to communicate, have conversations with folks in the office. But again, as you were saying, he didn't feel like he was the pop culture sports guys. He was more of an academic and a tech guy. So he was always self-conscious about that. But this labeling allowed him to zoom in on the emotion and then explore those emotions with the folks that he was talking to and then share his own relatable stories that showed and shared that emotion. And now, Brett is not only he humanized himself to everyone, and now he's sharing emotional space with everybody. Now, this third one is my actual favorite, and it's probably the most counterintuitive for those of you who are listening or watching this.

16:12Asking for help or advice increases your status and likability. It's called the Benjamin Franklin effect, and asking someone for advice makes them like you more because it activates their investment in you. So try this. Hey, you worked with X before. How would you approach this situation? So I'll give you an example for Brett. Brett on the weekends was trying to grow a little crop on his balcony. So he got into gardening over the pandemic and thought it'd be fun to grow some herbs and some vegetables to cook with. And he was trucking along, wasn't really getting much going on. And he overheard one of his co-workers, actually his boss's boss, talking about gardening.

16:55And he asked him, he said, hey, I'm struggling to get these vegetables to grow on my balcony. Any tips or tricks? Now, his boss's boss gave him a litany of things he could do with his garden, fertilizers and soil and things to check out. Guess what? He actually raised his status in his boss's boss's eyes by that simple asking for advice. Now, we're not saying ask for advice on the spreadsheet, the model or anything that's going to impact your career. But asking for advice on things outside of work actually makes you more likable and increases your charisma. Now, this can work in so many contexts, but the Benjamin Franklin effect is powerful.

17:32Yeah, I just want to say that once he saw the power, he began to use this with several people in the office. A little favor here, a little favor here, in order to start opening up lines of communication with everybody at work. So now he's humanized himself to everybody. He's sharing emotional space with people. And now everyone's sharing tips and tricks and little thoughts that would help him. So now he's engaged with everybody and building the relationships that he was lacking previously. And here's how he used socially. He was trying to break into a social group that had higher status. He had invited a few people outside the group, and he recognized that the leader of the group had a YouTube channel.

18:26So he decided to ask him for some feedback on a little short form video he had created. He said, hey, I saw you have this awesome YouTube channel. I'm just getting into video editing. What are some tips or tricks that I could do to make this video more impactful? This person grabbed his phone, started fiddling around with CapCut and actually improved his short form video. And guess what? The next week, that leader of this social group that he was trying to break into invited him out. So this works in the workplace and work socially. when you can find other people's competencies and their skills and ask for advice, support in small ways, you unlock the Benjamin Franklin effect and you become more charismatic.

19:05So here's our challenge for this week. Here's what I want you to do. Step one, in your next conversation at work, on a date or with a friend, start by sharing a small vulnerability or flaw, something real, something human. Like, honestly, I was nervous coming into this or I always forget names, but I'm working on it. Now, step two, when they respond, don't just listen. Label the emotion you hear in their story. Say, wow, that must have been overwhelming or wow, it sounds like it really fired you up. By labeling emotions that you're hearing in conversation, you're going to become more charismatic.

19:42It's a skill that we got to practice. And step three, before you leave that conversation, ask for advice, not feedback, not validation, advice. I'd love your take on this. What would you do if you were in my place? Now, all three in one conversation and watch what happens. It'll feel a little uncomfortable because it's a new skill we're working on. And that's how you know you're building real likeability, not just being polite. So when you do this challenge, I want you to report back. Send me or Johnny an email. We're linked up in the show notes. What changed? Who opened up and what surprised you?

20:20That's the power of the science behind charisma. And that's why we're bringing our social intelligence tips to the show each and every week. And I bet you all would love to know how Brett's story ended. Well, due to all the work that he put in with the Art of Charm, the implementation sessions, and going into work, putting this into practice, Brett changed how everyone saw him. Now he is being asked to go to the lunches, to go to the after hours, always included in everything that was going on in the office. You know, Brett was so excited. He didn't even realize all of the new possibilities and friendships that he had made in the office.

21:02I mean, it wasn't a thing for Brett before because he didn't have the skills. Brett focused on the tech. And that's also what got Brett in trouble. So after two months of Brett joining us in Persuasion Triggers implementation sessions, he got the promotion. In fact, his boss said that he wasn't sure why Brett didn't get it in the first place. He don't remember Brett any other way because of the work that Brett did and his consistency and commitment to the changes that he made. It was like Brett changed before everybody's eyes. Charisma is a skill that can be learned. And now is your time to shine.

21:49So if you're looking to go a level deeper and quickly improve your social intelligence and want more support from me and Johnny and our team, check out the Art of Charm social intelligence program at intel.theartofcharm.com. Quick application gets you on board, and we're excited to be sharing our social intelligence tips with you each and every week.

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