5 Levels of Listening [Social Intelligence Brief]

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1:29When researchers study what makes people open up, they found that high quality listening reduces defensiveness and boosts insights, even when the listener says very little. It's such an important point. And I think so many of us try to fill those silences with our own words to the detriment of the conversation. In fact, when people feel truly heard, their brain actually releases more oxytocin. That's the trust hormone. listening isn't passive it's persuasive it's presence and there are five levels and this brings up an interesting point i mean aj we've been talking about the power of listening for close to two decades now and because we discuss it so much we know the insides and out of it it's difficult for me when I'm talking with regular people because I'm, of course, judging their listening skills.

2:27I want to be listened to, but it's so pronounced to me that I can tell immediately when people are filling in spaces. I have family members who like to finish my sentences. So if you're trying to finish my sentences, I know you're not listening to me. In fact, I have to tell them to let me finish my thought before they reply, to hear everything that I said. And this is with everybody. So there's something that you mention, AJ, all the time, which is that people over index on their listening skills. Uh, absolutely 100%. I, and I don't think that people are listening at all. I mean, I think they're about 50, 60 % of listening, uh, comparatively to what they could be doing.

3:27To me, it feels like a superpower at this point. And over the last 18 years, running boot camps, video work has always been one of my favorite parts because it's an opportunity for us to observe thousands and thousands of interactions in our classroom with our clients approaching essentially strangers on camera and us breaking down what's going on both non-verbally and verbally. And what's always so fun to me is when we pause the video and I get an opportunity or you get an opportunity to share what we heard from the interaction. Oh, yeah. And so many of our clients are blown away because they're not listening to these five levels.

4:03They haven't really trained the skill set in the same way that we have in that classroom over the last 18 years. Listening is more than just what you're hearing, right? You are decoding messages, social cues and other signals that give you a full picture. The words are a very small percentage. There's that old adage about, what is it that your words are 90 % of communication? Absolutely. There's so much more going on. And of course, that's what everyone is so impressed by when they come to the X Factor or take one of our live programs. They are now tuned into things that they never even considered was giving them information.

4:57And we're talking vital information, how people feel, their intentions. These things reveal passions, fears, insecurities, aspirations, core motivators, everything that you need to understand other people better. Exactly. And when you can recognize someone's core identity, you build trust faster than anyone. So how do we do that? Well, really, we had a guest way back in the day, Oscar Tromboli, who blew us away with this concept of the five levels of listening. And we'll link his episode in the show notes here. What I found really fascinating is how much of this, to your point, is not the literal words that you're hearing.

5:46So when we do video work in class, a lot of times people are listening intently to the words that they're seeing on the video, on the replay. And they're saying, AJ, I didn't hear that. AJ, I didn't catch that. And it's like, well, that was in the other levels that you weren't actually listening to. So let's break down these levels because it's so powerful once you recognize that listening has levels and you can start to lean in and strengthen the levels that you may have tuned out in the past. So we'll start with the first level, and that's really your self-focused listening. That's that voice in your head that's waiting for your moment to shine.

6:19It's when you're thinking of what to say next, prepping your next point, solving the problem before the other person often even finishes talking. And here's the giveaway. They talk for two minutes and your reply starts. Yeah, same for me. When we often jump to that conclusion and we're thinking of the next thing to say, we're missing the key parts of communication that the other person is sharing with us. And so often we get it wrong. And that's why it's important to move beyond level one, because the risk is the other person is going to feel unseen by you. You're going to walk away thinking it went fine.

6:55The other person, they're not going to have any interest in calling you back or hanging out with you again. No. And if you're tuned in to the first level, you're only understanding how their words and actions make you feel. And so you can only speak from that point. So that's why the thing that you come up with this. Oh yeah, yeah. Same for me. Well, yeah, of course, you know, but this, this person is revealing identity markers. As the weather finally cools down, I'm swapping in the pieces that actually get the job done. Warm, durable, and built to last. And Quince delivers every time. Quince has all the false staples you actually want to wear on repeat, like 100 % Mongolian cashmere sweater starting at just 60 bucks, classic fit denim, and real leather and wool outerwear that looks sharp and holds up.

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9:37Here's what's going on. When you say same for me, you are seeking to be understood instead of seeking to understand the other person. That's key here. We're not trying to just fire back with same, same, like, like, yeah, I'm just like you, where you're seeking to be understood. We want to listen to a degree where we are understanding the other person. And that leads into the second level of listening, which is the content. You might be catching details, dates, events, names. You're still just focusing on the facts channel. You're not actually going a level deeper beyond that content. And this is the nice guy realm or the accommodating guy realm where you are answering questions that people ask or responding logically, practically.

10:30so therefore it's even kill you're just moving things along therefore invisible and forgettable yeah which is the worst i mean it's a boring conversation if we're just exchanging facts and data i'm tuning out what are you going to present a slide deck during the conversation not at all When we've done our video work, this is great because obviously the guys who are incredibly analytical stay in the content realm. So they're answering questions. They're filling space. And we ask them, how did you feel about that conversation? And they're like, great, I nailed it. And then we ask our video participant and she's like, yeah, it was, it was fine.

11:23She's like, I wouldn't, there's nothing memorable. There's nothing, wasn't anything amazing. And the guys are like, I gave my best stuff. Yeah. Because you stayed in a realm that is, that is forgettable. You're not creating impact. There's nothing imprinting on the other person. And that's where level three starts. That is contextual listening. This is where you tune into how they're saying it, the rhythm, the tone, the hesitation, the timing. It's why comedians are so good on stage. They recognize the third level and they can manipulate the crowd with their ability to orate. And this is a level that I've been very fortunate with my music training to be very good with.

12:13And this was a level that I really enjoyed learning about. The contextual level also holds all those, the emotions that are going on there. And for me in playing, you're trying to match emotions. You're trying to match tones and pacing. So for me, I had a natural ability to come into this realm and have a lot of fun with it. So let's do a little role play for our audience here. Johnny asked me, am I free this week? Let me know if you can hear the contextual tone in my voice. Yeah, I'm free. Now, how often would you be like, oh, AJ's free. He wants to hang out. But actually, the way that I use tone, pause and timing was me contemplating whether or not I actually want to hang out with you.

13:09And you might have missed that context completely. That's not availability. That's ambivalence. So here's the risk. you misread the mood and now you misfire your response and the other person loses interest in you fast. The upgrade is calling out the emotional context gently. AJ, it sounds like there's some pressure behind that. You have something going on? Exactly. Recognizing that emotional context, one, brings me a sigh of relief that you're actually picking up on more than just what I'm saying. And two, it actually makes me more interested in connecting with you. And here's the science. Contextual listeners are rated as more trustworthy and empathic, which is key for those in leadership roles or if you're looking to accelerate your career.

13:58Now, let's talk about level four, because this is where the magic really happens. Here's where most of the good listeners stop and high trust communicators keep going. This was the level that blew my mind, because as we mentioned earlier, of course, I was tuned into myself. Of course, I'm tuned into the content. And as a musician, I've been privy to learning to tune in to emotion. But tuning in to what's left unsaid or the intentions behind the emotions and the practicality of everything, this was a level that was really exciting to me and really opens up conversation. If you've been following along especially the nice guys listening, there is a level to risk that is increasing with each one of these levels of listening.

14:50When you're just listening to the words in your head, well, you know those words exactly. There's no risk involved to you listening on that level. Okay, when you start to stretch yourself to listen to data, well, there's a little risk that you're going to misquote a figure or you're going to hear a name wrong, but it's still pretty minimal risk. Once we start to talk about context, well, now we're risking misreading an emotion or picking up on a tone that wasn't what the person said. But once we get to level four, which is what's unsaid, well, it's risky business. It feels a little risky to be listening on this level and trying to pick things up and get it wrong.

15:24But in that risk, even when you get it wrong, the other person feels more connected to you because there's effort behind it. And that's why nice guys struggle because they're playing it so safe. They don't leave level two in they're listening, and it makes it very hard to be authentic and connect with. So what do we mean by what's left unsaid? You actually notice what's missing, the skipped over detail, the unspoken tension, the things that are left out. So I'll give you an example. You had a networking event and you ask someone, oh, man, what's been exciting this last week? And they spend all their time talking about their kids.

16:04What wasn't said? Work. So if you ask a follow-up question, what do you do for work? You completely focused on the wrong thing. You didn't pay attention to them leaving work out of the conversation, meaning they don't want to talk about work. They want to talk about their kids. But we need to start to listen to recognize the unsaid because there's a lot of signal in what people are leaving out of the conversation. Now, this is my favorite level, level number five. When we start to listen for meaning, the greater meaning, searching for that identity, their values, what motivates them, you're hearing the story under the story, the identity, the need, the value beneath their words.

16:47There is a reason they are telling you everything they are telling you. And so this is in level five. We want to be, once we get the information that they have given us, we want to figure out what are the motivators? Why are they telling us what they are telling us? What is the deeper meaning to our conversation? This is where real rapport begins to happen and connections solidify. And science says reflective listening actually builds rapport faster than shared experience. So when we can listen on this meaningful level and really understand someone and their core motivators, what's going on beneath the surface, we can build trust and rapport faster than sharing experiences and doing things together, which is actually quite remarkable.

17:42All right, so let's give you a drill this week to practice. Here's how we're going to practice listening on all five levels. Try this on your next call, date or check in and you'll see a shift immediately. Number one, ask a content level question. What happened? Number two, ask a contextual question. What made that such a tough day? Number three, reflect in meaning. It sounds like this is about trust and not time. And number four, validate and check. Did I get that right? Here's where the risk lies. you might get it wrong, but effort matters here. You trying to listen and stretch yourself to get to the meaning of the conversation shows the other person that you deeply care about them and it's gonna make you more connected to them, not less.

18:38Most people think they're good listeners, but the ones who stand out, they're using levels four and five and most people don't even know those levels exist. And we just launched a new training, Conversation Radar, to help you tune in to the five levels and build trust fast. That's how you lead better teams, close better deals, and deepen every relationship. If you're ready to be the person that people open up to, head on over to theartofcharm.com slash radar to join. That's theartofcharm.com slash radar.

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