Best of 2023 | Mindsets and Frameworks to Persuade and Connect

26:30They want to spend more time with you. They want to express more interest in you. Now, the thing here is, however, that not only are these enthusiastic emotions contagious, No, in fact, all emotions are contagious. So this fact of being contagious, which a little bit after the pandemic is still a weird thing to say, but the idea that emotions are contagious can also backfire because that means that if you are in a group of people and you are the boring person, the pessimistic person, the one who drags everyone down, everyone else is going to catch those emotions. Guess where they're going to go?

27:05Away from you and towards someone else. And this is why utilizing this enthusiasm within charisma to create those positive emotions that people say, I don't know why exactly, but when I'm standing next to AJ, when I'm standing next to Johnny, I suddenly feel enthusiastic about my life. I feel so much better. I leave the party and I'm just, I could high five everyone. I feel so good about myself. And this is particularly important in people that are in leadership positions, as a study in the Leadership Quarterly showed that was titled Charisma, Positive Emotions and Mood Contagion. And they found that charismatic leaders utilize positive emotions to influence their followers.

27:47That's obvious. But they also found that mood contagion was a key mechanism in that form of leadership. and to quote them at the end, they write, our results confirm the idea that charismatic leaders are influential by virtue of the emotions they induce in followers and the emotional climate they create. You know what drains your energy faster than a bad networking event? An overpriced phone bill. The big wireless companies love taking your money. They count on you not switching. Right now, Mint Mobile is running their best deal of the year. 50 % off all unlimited plans. That's$15 a month for unlimited.

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30:47That's 50 % off your first year at monarch.com with code charm. So let's unpack this. What is the emotional climate that you are creating around people? People you're meeting for the first time, friends and family, coworkers. Yes, that's right. You create an emotional climate. Your emotions are contagious. So if you're feeling that you're boring, odds are you're not creating a positive, fun, warm, inviting emotional climate around others. So in turn, they're going to want to spend less time with you, not more. And as we know, charisma leads to people wanting more time with us, chasing us, seeking us, giving us promotions, giving us leadership roles, because they enjoy our presence.

31:32So when we bring enthusiasm, when we bring a positive emotional climate around people that we're interacting with, they're going to want to spend more time with us. So how do we do it? Instead of focusing on yourself and your accomplishments and how boring you might feel you are at this present moment, if you bring enthusiasm towards other people's accomplishments, their stories, their adventures, their excitement, their emotional bids, then what actually ends up happening is they feel a positive emotional climate around us. They view that enthusiasm in a positive light and they see you as more charismatic.

32:09Now that we see how our enthusiasm and optimism can create a magnetic effect, let's shift gears a bit. It's not just about the energy that we bring into the room, but the confidence that we exude. And guess what? People don't perceive you to be confident when you're talking about your accomplishments. let's explore how sharing your journey, including failures along the way, actually bolsters your confidence in a genuine way. A huge pitfall here around confidence is a lot of times we think in order to express or showcase confidence, I have to talk about myself. I have to sell myself. Sometimes even have to brag about myself so those around me can feel that I'm confident.

32:51Yeah, we call that false confidence. And it's the natural default that we all assume about being confident. And this is why we're going to walk into the room when we're going to look for opportunities to sell ourselves. And think about that. If I'm in a conversation with AJ and we're out and about, and I'm thinking in my mind, how can I interject how awesome I am in this conversation? Well, then I'm not being very present, am I? And confidence is not something that you just have. You earn it through competency. Exactly. You earn it through experiencing that self-doubt and taking action anyways.

33:32You learn it through feeling not up to snuff, but going after that goal, hitting the gym, going to that social event, putting yourself in the arena, as we like to say. And unfortunately, for a lot of us, when we think about selling ourselves, well, that sounds terrible. I don't want to be in a situation sure I have to sell myself constantly, prove my confidence to other people in order to be valued. That sounds awful. So the key here when we think about how to actually sell ourselves is not talk about the destination, not talk about the achievements, the accomplishments, list your resume and everything that you have been able to gain for yourself in life, but instead sell yourself by talking about the journey.

34:19What did you do along the way? What were the doubts you had? What dragons did you slay to get there? How did that goal for yourself actually become a reality? And what made that a goal in your life instead of just talking about the destination, talking about how you got there actually makes you not only appear more confident, but it makes you more charismatic when meeting other people. And that is also something that I, as a public speaker, see a lot at events like TEDx and so on, where people will say, well, that speaker was really confident, like all of the speakers were really confident. And that is true.

34:56They're definitely, I mean, it takes definitely takes some confidence to be able to stand in front of a couple of thousand people and give you a talk. But the reason these people are perceived rightfully as confident is that as a good speaker, you don't talk about the accomplishments. You don't talk about, I did this, I did this, I did this, I did this. You structure your talk by saying, this was my dream. This is what I struggled with. These were the obstacles. Here's where I thought I would never be able to get there. And here's what I worked on. And here was the support that I got. Here's my journey.

35:26And ta-da, here's the destination. Here's the outcome. And then people clap and they hear the outcome, but they remember the story. They remember how someone went through struggles and overcame them, how someone had to grow and learned where and how to do it. And then they walk away from the talk and they say, wow, that speaker was really confident. And that speaker most of the time spoke about struggles and ideas and dreams and broken hearts. Michael, here's one that you will remember very well. And it's dear to our heart because her research in vulnerability has impacted our show. And we talk a lot about that research and data.

36:05But Brene Brown got her start. She did a TED Talk on her research in vulnerability. And unfortunately for her, she had to be vulnerable in her talk about her research in vulnerability. And when she delivered that TED Talk, when it came out, it was very popular. But she was unbelievably shaken up over being vulnerable on that stage and sharing her work. And she was talking about the journey that she took in order to do all of that research. She was so terrified and so nervous about how it would be received that she tried to get TEDx to take down that talk. And it blew up because so many people were able to relate to her journey about vulnerability and how uncomfortable she was about vulnerability.

37:08And that propelled her into stardom. I mean, that's how she got her break, how her research became so popular. And Brene now is part of that Oprah circle. And also watching that talk, you'll see Brene shows enthusiasm about her research. She shows optimism about what's possible. She's definitely present when she's up there on stage. And she adds that confidence piece by talking about the journey as well as the destination. And that just makes that lady incredibly charismatic up there on that talk that she hoped only 300 people would ever see. And, you know, it's in its existence. And there's a perfect example of this from a client, Matt, in the X Factor Accelerator, who is a real estate investor, is a part of numerous masterminds with real estate investors who've been in the game for 20, 30, 40 years longer than him, who have way more in assets under management, larger developments.

38:13And oftentimes in these situations, he feels this lack of confidence. He feels like he can't stack up to those around him. And of course, if he was to just list off his accomplishments and compare those to others, well, he might actually be less confident in that setting. So what we worked on together was, well, what's the story? Because when he was going to mastermind events, people would ask him, why real estate? Or what's your story? Literally. And he would often find himself saying, well, you know, I got started a few years ago and it's fun. And what we did in working on his story was we decided to focus on the journey, what inspired him to get started in real estate, and what has his journey in real estate created in terms of an opportunity for him.

39:01And what he found was he got started in real estate because his dad was a successful businessman. Unfortunately, his dad was so humble, he didn't even know how successful his dad was as a businessman until he passed and he took an internship in his dad's company. And then he realized everything that his dad had built. So that inspired him to go into business. And after having a few false starts in business, he learned real estate from a mentor and had some success with his first investment. And what he realized on the real estate investment journey was that it actually allowed him to be creative, to tap into his creativity in building deals, finding tenants, and creating win-win opportunities for everyone.

39:41And it was that creativity and that opportunity to be more creative that inspired him to carry on in the real estate investment game. Now, in sharing that story at a recent event, he actually found not only did he feel more confident in himself, but he started to get more questions about his journey and actually interest in the deals he was working on. Whereas previously in going to some of these mastermind events and networking with people, he would find himself being quiet, a little bit standoffish, not knowing what to say, and certainly not feeling comfortable selling himself. As many of us think selling ourselves is listing our accomplishments.

40:17So the next time you're in a situation where you might be surrounded by people who you feel are more accomplished, share your journey instead of the destination. And you'll find that you not only appear more confident, but you actually will feel more confident internally. Back to Arthur Brooks, we delve into the impact of language on relationships and effective communication. Nobody knows what's going on inside an individual couple, to be sure. Only the couple knows that. And you find out things about people after the fact, et cetera, you're always kind of surprised about that. But when we say that these older couples, the reason that they stayed together is because of the social strictures against divorce.

40:56That's not usually true. The number one reason is that they were highly complementary to each other because they were probably set up by a loved one who thought they might make a kind of a good match based on their complementarity and their difference. And the second is because it was really, really inconvenient to split up, they learned how to have conflict. They just actually learned the rules of the road is what it came down to. Now, when I'm working with couples, the number one thing that I work on is I listen to them having an argument. And all the couples that are really, really struggling, it's always me and you and I and you, and they're always talking about these personal pronouns, either in the first or second person.

41:31Always move to the we and us pronouns. and it's going to change the way you think and change the way you fight, it turns out. Because you don't say, you hurt my feelings. You say, we had an argument that really hurt me. We had an argument that really hurt me. You're taking responsibility and you're defining the problem as a project for the two of you to solve. And so when you actually solve it, you've made progress together. It's like your fights become projects just because of the pronouns that you use. It's so critically important. And couples that always use we and us always use we and us. They're a team and they don't split up is basically what you find.

42:09So that's, you know, idea number one. Well, not only are you staying married together, you're growing together. Because if you had gotten married kind of early in life in your 20s, you haven't really even discovered who you are, let alone your significant other. And that process, if you're able to be able to do that together, only lends itself to building, constructing a North star between you and your partner and working towards that together. A very interesting guest this year was Harvard professor Robert Waldinger, whose longest running happiness study that we have cited on this show many, many times is one of the reasons we do this podcast is because of the results of this study.

42:54Now let's hear from Robert Waldinger on the surprising happiness that we can gain from social connections, even with strangers. And what we're seeing is that actually the universe is conspiring to keep us isolated. So these screens that we love so much, myself included, are designed to hold our attention, to capture it, to hold it, to keep us on our screens, not let us alone to be with each other in the real world, right? Because attention is the commodity that they're after. The difficulty now is that the path of least resistance is to stay isolated. That's the path of least resistance and it requires being more intentional.

43:38And then, you know, as you're saying, Johnny, like, what do you do when your gut is saying, I don't want to do this. You know, I don't, I don't really want to go to that networking event or that party. And that's where we can kind of check in with ourselves. Like one of my friends was telling me yesterday, he said, you know, I realized that when I actually let my partner drag me to a party, I end up feeling better. But my first reaction is, no, I don't want to go. And they did a study of this where they studied people who were about to take the subway in New York. And they randomly assigned them to, you read about this, AJ, but they randomly assigned people to either you're going to do what you normally do, which is like listen to music, stay on your, stay, keep to yourself, or you are randomly assigned to talk to a stranger.

44:25And they ask people, how much do you think you're going to enjoy this assignment we've given you? And the people who were going to have to talk to strangers thought they were going to be much less happy afterwards than the people who could just do their own thing. Then they asked people after they completed their assignments, the people who talked to strangers were way happier than the people who kept to themselves. So again, it's just a reminder that we're not good at knowing what's going to make us happy. And so we have to often remember back and say, oh yeah, I really did like it when somebody dragged me to that party, right?

45:00So we have to be more intentional and we have to get over some hurdles. This is why I do this. Like I really care about getting these ideas out there because I see us all, myself included, so easily becoming more isolated. It can't be stated enough that we're in a loneliness crisis. Your network is your net worth. And it's not just about money. It's about quality of life. High value relationships inspire and motivate you to be your best. Robert Waldinger continues with practical advice on deepening relationships through the power of shared interests. With this longitudinal study, you see that people later in life make these changes, start to invest in relationships and see a direct impact on their life.

45:46So for those in our audience who are feeling like, well, is this it? Is this what I have for the rest of my life? You know, how do we make that change? And how do we inspire them to take action towards these relationships? Yeah. Well, first, you know, what we say is it really is never too late because we have the data to show it, right? That there are people who like find their tribe for the first time in their 60s or they, you know, they find love in their 80s. I mean, it's kind of astonishing. And we have 20-somethings who have said to me, I'm no good at relationships. They're never going to happen for me.

46:22They're sure that it's just not going to work out for them. And so the message that we can give, backed by science, is that's not the truth, that it is really not too late. But then you're asking the big question, like, well, then what? What do you do? And I think that it involves doing some of the things we've been talking about, that It involves figuring out what could you do? What small steps could you take? And one of the things I want to name is that people should expect a little bit of failure. Like not everybody you reach out to is going to respond with warmth. They may ghost you. They may not respond at all.

47:02They may feel annoyed, right? Sometimes that happens. And so I think when you think about starting to reach out, it's important to remember that there are going to be times when it doesn't work. It's like shooting baskets in basketball. You're not going to make the basket every time, right? And that has to be something we prepare ourselves for. And then to think about maybe a place to start is think about something you love. Think about something you love to do. it could be anything you know it could be bowling it could be be playing the banjo it could be knitting gardening it could be working to prevent climate change it could be it could be anything and think about ways to do it alongside other people who share a similar interest because that's a natural place often you know that gives you first of all gives you something in common it gives you a place to start conversations.

48:03And then one of the things that research tells us is that if you put yourself in situations where you're going to see the same people repeatedly and maybe have casual conversations, those conversations can start to deepen. That's why the water cooler or the coffee machine at work was so important. We don't know what we're going to do now that those are falling out of existence. Stephen Kotler adds to this discussion, emphasizing the crucial role of social support and the unique concept of group flow experiences take it away steven the coolest thing here is for the people who have really fallen out of practice with this because all the research shows you're gonna because you're gonna get started in the pro-social neurochemistry and if you're starved from it you're gonna get the biggest results yeah first right and the fun part about it is and i think this is really core to people we know how important lifelong learning is.

48:58We've just talked about a whole bunch of stuff around it, but the impediment for a lot of us is shame and embarrassment and self-consciousness, and we forget how to play, right? This is one of the things about deliberate play that's so cool. One of my secrets to park skiing that I sort of started to figure out in the research is we've all heard about the motor learning window that shuts after childhood and you don't become a ballerina in your 30s and you can't learn languages and like all these stories there is some biological truth to it but it's only to a point and the whole truth is it's not so much that the brain and the body change they change a little bit it's the kids learn by playing there's no shame there's no self-consciousness they're not mad that they're bad they expect to be bad because they've never done it before and they think it's funny and as adults all that stuff like somehow you think like you're less of a person and if you're bad in public and i'm the same way i freaking hate being bad in public right i don't like it at all i don't mind being bad but i don't like being bad in public so not being out of practice with the social stuff so cool because you get to like the only way to make social stuff work as you know is it's got to be play if networking is work then you're that creepy guy at the conference nobody wants anything to do with right like if if you're just like a playful fun person to be around and you're interested in other people and and finally like what is the secret to a great conversation all of us read our dale carnagy listen to the other person and be interested in them as a person like it's not even rocket science and curiosity is a flow trigger and it's fundamental to so many important things in life that learning how to cultivate curiosity in your conversations with other people, it's such a potent peak performance tool.

50:51That's right. It can be hard making friends as you grow older. We support our X Factor members as they use our social capital framework to build out their high value networks through their mission and their goals. When it comes to communication, people constantly rate themselves as much better listeners than they really are. Why is that? Well, in our five pillars of communication toolbox, we break down the five layers of listening and why most people get stuck on the first two, which causes a lot of conflict and lost connections. We interviewed Oscar Tromboli for the podcast and he walked us through the five layers of listening.

51:30And we're so excited to unpack them for you here because this will change the way you view listening in a conversation and allow you to become a more active listener and a better communicator. So the first layer is listening to yourself. That inner monologue that we all hear. For some of us, it might be critical in social situations. For some of us, it might be the comedian who just wants to jump in with the witty one-liner and get people laughing. Or it might just be anticipation of, oh, this person's gonna say that, so then I can go ahead and say this. But that first layer of listening really impacts your ability to communicate clearly and powerfully if all you're really concerning yourself with is what's going on inside your head.

52:15We need to actually listen to the other person move beyond that first layer to be an impactful listener. AJ, just a few weeks ago, we dropped an influence episode that had some clips from Vanessa Bonds. And she had also mentioned that that first level of listening is for opportunities for us to reply. And if you are listening for spaces to which you can reply, you're not listening to what they're saying. Well, that brings up the second layer of listening, listening for content. Now, a lot of us might work in really analytical jobs where all of the data and information has to be parsed, has to be problem solved, and you have to come up with a solution.

53:04So you might be very adept at listening to the second layer, the content. Where is AJ from? What type of music does Johnny like? What color shirt is Michael wearing that's his favorite? This is the content that the other person is sharing with us. It's the data collection. And if you're good at being a data analyst at work, you're probably really good at being a data analyst in your listening. But we have to move beyond just those first two layers because that's really where the magic starts to happen. Now, the second layer is listening to the context. This is about the assumptions that people are making.

53:41What is actually going on? What's the frame of reference that they're working from in sharing this information? So for example, if I'm in a professional setting, I'm probably going to share differently in my communication than I would in a social environment or at the bar. My stories are going to be different. The sides of my personality that I choose to share are going to be different in that context. So an adept listener is actually listening beyond just the data, but then thinking about what's the context behind what this person is sharing with me? And is there something that I can pick up on in that context that I can use in my communication, in my response to them?

54:18Now, the fourth layer, and when we practice this in our implementation session, this is really when the light bulb goes off. The fourth layer is the unsaid. You have to be listening so intently that you're picking up on, well, what is AJ withholding in his communication? What is he glossing over? What hasn't been shared but is implied, right? So if I'm sharing a story about something, maybe I'm hyper-focused on the setting, but I'm not really sharing who I'm with. Or maybe I'm talking about my work and I'm talking about a big project, but I'm not really sharing the department that I work in, right?

54:52What is the unsaid? What am I holding back? And that's a great opportunity for you to explore, to get the person to share even more, because if you can pull out the unsaid in conversation, you're actually a powerful communicator. AJ, I want to add, going back to that influence episode, and if you guys haven't checked that out, it was a few weeks ago, and Vanessa Bonds also commented on this as well, is when you are listening for the unsaid, you can summarize for people, hey, I'm hearing this. Do I have this correct? When you summarize it in that way, this allows the person you're speaking to to either confirm or tell you that you've gotten it wrong.

55:40Either way, you are the high value person in this because it shows your willingness to wanting to get to know and understand the other person. So if they say, yes, absolutely, that's what I was trying to say, or you nailed it, or they might come back with, you know what, close, but actually it's more like this. Regardless, both of those answers work in your favor. And for those of our listeners who are now thinking that the unsaid might be something that shows up every 10 minutes, there might be one thing that is unsaid and that we can pick up on. And actually, it's two-thirds that is not said by the other person.

56:24And the reason this is two-thirds is that we speak at about 125 words per minute, but our brain is able to take in 400 words per minute. And we're thinking. While I'm speaking, I'm literally thinking at 400 words per minute. And I have to pick the ones that are actually coming out of my mouth because I can only fit a third of them out there. Now, there are some listeners that since this was first discovered over 60 years ago, we have some listeners here that are making good use of that because you are listening to this podcast at 2x, at 3x. And guess why? That's exactly why. Because you can take in so much more than the other person can say.

57:04So keep in mind that there's a lot of unsaid things out there that are there for you to find and comment on. Now, the fifth and final layer is the meaning. Listening to the why is this person sharing this with me? So going back to that professional context, maybe I'm talking about a big project coming up at work that's given me a chance to speak to the team or to share in a presentation or a webinar. Well, the meaning behind that might actually be me sharing with you that I love public speaking. And that's why I'm so excited about this project. So if you were to say to me, AJ, it sounds like you absolutely love public speaking, you're listening to the meaning of why I'm sharing that work example.

57:47And when you can hit on the meaning in your communication, you, as Johnny said earlier, you allow that person to experience a conversation they've never had before. Because most of us as average listeners are listening to the first two levels, ourself and the content. And we're looking for those pauses to jump in and share something that we can relate to the content. We're missing the context. we're missing the unsaid, and oftentimes we gloss completely over the meaning of why we're sharing that. And listen, every single person you're communicating with wants to present their best foot forward.

58:23They're very particular about what they're going to share with you upon meeting you for the first time in any context, a date, social, or professional. And in that, them being selective on what they're sharing and communicating, well, there's a meaning behind it. There's a why that they're choosing to share that with you. And if you can search for that why in your listening and draw that out in your conversation, you've just become a powerful communicator. So listening is obviously important, but how does improving your listening skills translate to professional success? In this next clip, we lay out the direct impact of listening on your career trajectory.

59:03If others around you don't feel that you're a great listener, they don't rate you high in your ability to listen to the context, the meaning, the unsaid, you're going to find yourself in a situation where you are getting passed over for promotion. Even if you are that spark plug, that hard worker who goes the extra mile, listening is part of that executive presence that makes you a great team member. And that's how you end up getting promoted. it. I had this happen to me when I was working in the film industry on an animated TV series, and they were about to remake all the models they were using for all the characters in the show.

59:42And I'm always in the kitchen, I'm talking with people, I'm listening to them. And there was a lot of talk about the new season and what they would do differently, how the programming would change, how the technical aspects would change. And that was the number one topic in the kitchen. But the thing that was unsaid that I picked up on was like, guys, you don't have anyone to manage that right. You're looking for someone to lead that project. And they said, actually, you're right. We're talking so much about the details, but we don't have any project manager there. And I said, you know what? I can take this on.

1:00:10And boom, second season, I was responsible for the characters on the show. And even the best listeners can struggle in a few of these areas. And this is a fun anecdote from Matt, one of our X Factor Accelerator members, who joined the program assuming he's an excellent listener. And why is that? Because he's a music teacher. He actually teaches kids how to play music. So of course, he's very adept at listening musically and to notes. But what happened, Johnny? Well, I can relate to Matt because I'm also a musician. And as a musician, when you're doing improvisational stuff, which is basically an interaction through music rather than language, and music is a language, in order to be successful at that and have a lot of fun with it, you have to cue in, clue in and listen to certain arrangement pieces.

1:01:08So maybe I want to interact with what the drums are doing or what the bass is doing or carry along with the melody of the voice. So I'm going to focus in on those aspects so that we can have a musical dance. So Matt, as a music teacher, he was great at listening. And during communication, speaking with the other parents and the kids in class, he didn't recognize that he could focus in on certain aspects of the conversations that were happening to make them dance as he would in musical improvisation. So through our classes and our implementation sessions, Matt had learned what to focus in on and going from an unconscious incompetence to a conscious incompetence.

1:02:08Okay, now I know what I'm missing and I'm going to work on it to a conscious competence. Hey, guess what? Now that I'm focusing on the right things and I'm able to utilize them in conversations, I see them growing. And through many practices and working on it, after a few weeks, it became something that then Matt regularly did to an unconscious competence. He doesn't even need to think about it. It's just how he speaks with people just like his musical improvisations. And now he has, he said his relationships with the parents of all the students had blossomed. And he also used it at his performances.

1:02:55One of the things that Matt had a lot of trouble with is he would get off stage after one of his band's performances and go in the crowd and everyone wanted to talk to him. And it freaked Tim out of how to deal with this. And so once Matt learned this trick, he started putting breaks in between their sets so that he could talk to the audience and mess with them during their performances. That's how confident he got with using these techniques that we're going to be discussing today. And of course, he saw the connection that he had with the audience and his audiences for his performances started to grow.

1:03:44Impressive how something as simple as listening can have such a big impact on your career, isn't it? Now, let's move from logical to the emotional, a transition that can be challenging, especially for people who spend all day in the logical half of their brain. This next segment is all about recognizing emotional bids people make to connect with you on a deeper level. Understanding this revolutionizes relationships and saves marriages. When we're talking about emotional bids, we do need to talk about Dr. Gottman, who you've heard us talk on this show so many times. And what he did was, this was in 1999, he designed a lab in the University of Washington campus, and he made it look like a bed and breakfast retreat.

1:04:31It was affectionately known as the Love Lab. And then he invited 130 newlywed couples to this retreat, to this Love Lab. Of course, they knew this was a study, they knew what was going on. So they would go there, they would spend time there, and he would observe them in their day-to-day interactions with each other. Now, what he discovered was that throughout the day, these partners would make requests of one another, requests that weren't based on the content of what they were saying, not on logic. They were requests for a connection, and he called those emotional bits. So after six years, here's where it gets really interesting.

1:05:16After six years, he followed up with those 130 couples that he had in the love lab. And he discovered that there was a huge difference between those couples that were still married at this point and those that got divorced or were in an unhappy marriage. And the difference between those two, can you guess it, were emotional bits. Those that were still happily married, they reacted to 86 % of each other's emotional bids. Those that didn't make it through those six years, they were at the 33 % mark. And remember, these were newlyweds when this study was done. So even there, 33 % of emotional bids at a newlywed stage didn't quite cut it.

1:06:06Now, you must be thinking, what are some examples of emotional bids? and we'll link up the cheat sheet in the show notes. I want to share just a few of the ones that we've highlighted so you can get a sense for what an emotional bid actually looks and sounds like. Now, the first one is a bid for an extended conversation. As an introvert, I will find myself often being short, to the point, being concise. But when my wife is actually trying to build a deeper connection with me, she'll ask me deeper questions to share a little bit more. And if I'm super logical, I might be like, why do you care about this?

1:06:39Why do you care so much about what specifically Johnny and I were having for lunch? When in actuality, that's an emotional bid. She's looking to connect. She's looking to place herself in that emotional space with me and Johnny enjoying that business lunch. Another one could be a bid for emotional support where your friend at work might say, hey, I'm really concerned about my upcoming performance review. I had a rough quarter. I'm afraid I'm going to be put on a pip. I'm afraid that I'm not going to get that promotion. Well, that's them expressing an emotion that's concerning for them and looking for emotional support from you.

1:07:15So you may be in situations where an emotional bid is actually the other person hoping that you'll support them and be there for them in their emotional state of need. Another simple one is just a bid for interest. Are you interested in going to check out the Barbie movie with me? Hey, do you want to go check out Oppenheimer this weekend? They're looking to gauge if this is something that can be a shared interest between the two of you. Now, those are just a few examples of emotional bids. But the point is the person is looking for connection in their communication with you. And when you start to recognize these seeds of connection, you actually water them so the relationship can blossom.

1:07:54And now you've become a really powerful communicator in that you're leveraging conversation for connection, for relationship building. And these emotional bids, although Dr. Gottman's research is in romantic relationships, they're found in every social, professional, and romantic context imaginable. Because as humans, we have an innate desire to connect with one another. So if you find yourself wondering, why aren't these conversations going the way you want? Why are you struggling to build and foster the relationships that you really want in your life? We ask you to check out your listening. Can you level up that listening, that first pillar of powerful communication?

1:08:40Are you giving value to the people that you're speaking with and communicating with? And are you able to recognize the signals of when people are actually trying to connect with you. Because if you don't recognize them or turn away from those emotional bids, as Dr. John Gottman says, you're actually breaking that rapport. You're breaking that attempt at connection. And if you keep breaking it, that person's not going to want to spend time with you. It's not going to feel comfortable inviting you. Or even worse, it could end up in divorce. It could end up in you losing your job. Now, this was really pronounced with one of our clients, Colin, who had immense success in his career.

1:09:20In fact, he sold the company and had an exit and he was trying to figure out what to do next in his career. And he joined the program feeling, after moving to a new city, that he was sort of struggling on the social realm and the romantic realm. And he was guarded in sharing his career success because he didn't want to invite the wrong people in to build relationships with. He didn't want people seeking just his status with this great accomplishment in his career. So when he joined the program being super logical, he was wondering why he was struggling to form the connections and the relationships that he really wanted.

1:09:56And in the X Factor Accelerator, we worked through the concept of emotional bids and it was that real light bulb moment for him of all the signals that he was missing out on. His logical brain wasn't allowing him to see in conversation around him of people wanting to be his friend for the right reasons, wanting to go on a date with him for the right reasons. And he was completely guarded about all of his professional success because he didn't want to attract the wrong people. Let's turn Steven Kotler's insights on managing burnout and the importance of regulating our nervous system. You sort of combined a couple of different archetypes together.

1:10:34So like there's a slightly different answer for people who are burned out than people who are sort of content and a little lazy and a little fearful. you know, that's what there's slightly different answers. Okay. But because usually if you're coming with burnout, you have to start and this is really useful for anybody, you want to just start by like manicuring your nervous system, right? A little bit of emotional regulation. So like anybody who's burned out, you want to start by trying as much as you can to get seven, eight hours of sleep a night, for example, just like baseline. This is the amount of sleep we need.

1:11:09We know hydration, nutrition, that sort of stuff. And you want to lean on basic tools like social support make sure you have a good social support network and you reach out and you're actually you know really basic this is the basic stuff that helps us manicure our nervous system and then depending on how jacked you are do one to two to three of the following a day so if you're a little anxious right and a little burnt you want to do either a gratitude practice a mindfulness practice or exercise and it's literally a five minute gratitude practice and i could talk for the next two hours about the neuroscience of gratitude and why it's important but let's just gratitude practice mindfulness for stress reduction you want 11 minutes of like breath work a day it doesn't have to be super fancy um or i love running uh loving kindness meditation because it's a freaking script and you find it online you know and you literally just have to run the script and it does the same thing it's actually better than most other forms of mindfulness or 20 to 40 minutes of exercise right you exercise when you're exercising for anxiety you want to wait for your lungs to open up and to get a little quiet upstairs.

1:12:11That's a sign that the brain is released nitric oxide. It flushes all the stress hormones out of your system. So like what I tell people is if you're a little anxious, little burn, do one a day to it, you know, or three days, that's where you sort of want to start really with, if you're anyone that's, those are sort of like the peak performance basics. This is how do you just get in the ring? But the thing I want to emphasize, and this is really the place to start. everybody has what's known as a primary flow activity for me it's skiing meaning like 80 90 percent of the time i go skiing it just drops me into the zone for my wife it's hiking with the dogs in the back country for my best friend it's playing guitar for another good friend of mine it's coding for you know jigsaw puzzles like whatever it is for you you want to double down on that uh and in fact the research shows that if you can spend three to four hours a week on a primary flow activity that might be the single best intervention to start with and here's the thing it's it does all kinds of stuff so flow is a focusing skill so the more flow you get the more flow you get so if you're going skiing on monday you know for you it's your primary flow activity might mean more flow at work on tuesday wednesday and thursday we know the heightened flow massively boosts happiness well-being um overall life satisfaction those things and the afterglow flow seems to last a couple days the heightened creativity will last a flow state by a day maybe two um and when we move into flow it resets the nervous system towards zero so it flushes our stress hormones out of our system and i'd like to mention a repeat performance aging point of view there are nine known causes of aging all of them what do they have in common inflammation stress and inflammation so anything you can do to combat stress and inflammation is combating aging and it's you know sort of job one so you get a lot of bang for your buck with your primary flow activity and the thing about it is and the reason i wanted to mention it because you described a certain type of person and what happens is as we start to age whatever usually around right around 29 30 like those the exact age group you described you put away childish things oh no i got a family i got a job i've got responsibilities i can't ride my skateboard i can't ride my serpent i'm not going to play my guitar.

1:14:23All those things go away and it's the exact opposite of what you need to be doing. So it's very counterintuitive. And it's also, I will tell people, I will say, everything I'm going to talk about, whether it's this or a handful of other things, they sound, they're not sexy. There's nothing really sexy. I always say, nothing I talk about, if you bring it into a bar on Friday night, it's going to get you laid. It's not sexy. It's not like bio-acting you're not injecting rhinoceros horn peptides into your testicles you know and like none of that shit is happening it's not um it's just it's the most deadly effective stuff in the world period it's what all the science shows and everybody wants they either want a shortcut or they want to whiz bang where's the app where's the technology you know and i i like simple psychological tools that produce powerful neurobiological reactions in this next clip But Stephen Cutler also discusses the intriguing concept of making replacement friends as a strategy for peak performance aging.

1:15:28And this is really clear. Like this is in all the research. Out of all those things, out of the whole big sentence, what's maybe the most important part? Actually two things. if you had if you could maintain strong legs and um have a robust social life especially like one that requires you to use your brain in fun new ways this doesn't have to be intellectual but like playful you know what i mean like that sort of thing where there's because you want it's the brain stimuli like the social stuff it calms our nervous system way way down we know the psychological safety demands, all that. We could talk for the next five hours about that.

1:16:09But it also challenges the brain in novel and interesting, right? People are unpredictable. So the brain wants like novel, challenging, whatever, and like you get more of it. And the other thing, this is really important and this shows up across the boards and people don't talk about it. You have to make replacement friends. Most people know people their age, right? And as you age older, so I have a dear friend who I work with. He was literally one of the smartest people on the planet during the 20th century, made a colossal amount of money, very famous, very well known, giant thought leader. He is very old.

1:16:49I called him just to check up on him a lot during COVID because he was in New York and I was worried about him. He's very old. And he would say things like, oh, Stephen, it is so great to hear from you everybody i know has died i don't know anybody anymore and the craziest thing about it is like he comes out of a particular generation of thinkers like a group of like 70s scientists and they think differently like if you know there's it was a really interesting era in like science and it's a very particular way of thinking so think about this everybody who thinks like him they're all gone all of them he's like the last remaining one and he didn't make replacement friends and um and it's certainly also a peak performance aging it shows like the societies where people age the best cross-generational friendships it's better for young people it's better for old people everybody thrives and a society where that exists you tend to get all the blue zones right all the societies where you have really long-lived lives that's one of the things that they are they have one of the commonalities is cross-generational friendships and sort of respect for all generations, which is another thing.

1:17:59Also, I have to say this, I have this great joy of running a company where the vast majority of everybody who works for me is almost 30 years younger than I am. And that, amazing, right? Amazing for that. And then I've got a bunch of people who are 30 years older than me as well. It's just, it's wonderful because you get kicked out of your fixed thinking. As I was saying, for the folks who are in this self-made prison, the replacement friends are creating a robust social life because I think their friends have disappeared. These people may now be married or they just let their careers take up much of their lives.

1:18:45And so they hadn't worked on their replacement friends and their friends are getting married and they're having families or they're wrapped up in their careers. and all of these folks know that they they need to get back out there they need to start networking and they come up with every excuse in the world of why they can't just like somebody who may be a bit overweight who could come up with every excuse in the world of why they don't have time for the for the gym so what i always say with people like that is okay man i hear you but run the experiment yeah just run the experiment i mean like the robot i'm an introvert i'm like i'm an introvert i am a writer i like to spend most of my time alone my wife and i like if we spend it she's an introvert too she if we spend a half an hour to 45 minutes a day sort of like trying to connect and then i have one phone call with one other friend that's me for a day i'm good but i try to like i force myself at the end of every work day to make a 10-minute phone call just to Somebody in somebody I haven't usually I'm looking for somebody I haven't talked to in six months, eight months, whatever.

1:19:50I just like doesn't even have to be long, but I'm just and here's the reason everybody has to care. And this is the thing that people don't understand about social support. Whenever you face a problem of any variety and just to put it in context, we did some studies. Most top executives face five challenges a day that would fall into this category, like the kind of thing that could be a threat, a problem. it's a hard decision every time you encounter anything like that your brain wants to know you know how much energy do i need to meet this situation and the first program it runs is it says well do you got backup do you have people who love you do you have people who are covering your ass because if you don't oh shit this is a big challenge and we need to produce a lot of energy and give you a big anxiety reaction and that all that energy is taking energy away from performance it's ruining the rest of your day right because it's stealing energy and stealing willpower and that big anxious reaction, that's norepinephrine.

1:20:49What does norepinephrine do? It blocks learning. It blocks creativity. It makes us logical, linear. Often it makes us stupid. It wants to reduce choices. I'm scared. I don't want a creative wild solution. Give me something that's safe, that's secure, that works 100 % of the time, right? So you're burning tremendous amounts of energy. You're limiting your brain power. And all this is happening because you didn't want to pick up the phone and make a 10-minute phone call. Or have a good conversation with your partner or friend. Like, that's fucking crazy. That's just dumb. That's dumb. It's hard to go on a diet.

1:21:22You know what I mean? Those kinds of fixes are freaking hard. I'm saying call a friend. Like, the best thing we can do is to call. Like, that's a crazy thing to not do. And so what I always tell people is never take my word for anything. Run the fucking experiment in your own life, right? Spend two weeks where you have 10 minutes a day. you're going to reach out and touch someone, preferably in a way that doesn't get you arrested. Thanks for clarifying. And see how you feel at the end of two weeks. See if you're making better decisions. See if you're performing better. See if your relationships are better.

1:21:54If they're worse, then this was shitty advice for you and stop, right? And I'm a moron and I apologize.

1:22:10the shout out this week comes from ash cat who emailed aj and i and he writes hi aj hi johnny my name is ash cat and i began listening to your podcast during the pandemic while i was in kazakhstan my home country i initially started listening to improve my english skills but i soon discovered that your program was incredibly helpful and I gained valuable insights and practical skills from your podcast, especially when I was learning English and dreaming about moving to the U.S. And now that I am happily married, our family is expanding and I'm a postdoc researcher at Harvard Medical School in Boston.

1:22:51Although life is challenging with my finances. I have also created a website to offer my services. Whoa, way to go, Ashcat. He continues by saying, I want to express that even by just listening to your podcast, I continue to learn a lot and feel supported by you guys. I hope that someday I will have the opportunity to attend your training sessions and meet you in person. Well, Ashcat, I can't tell you how much AJ and I would love that and we certainly do have live programs rolling and the x factor is waiting for you guys so come join us everyone we want you to have a wonderful holiday and go out there and have an incredible new year yeah i remember you you were the bad boy you threw your love away like it was just a toy And you sold the world You sold the tragedy Cause you had your taste Of black only yesterday Yeah, but I remember you Oh yeah, I remember you In my life, I remember you This next one's for all you CarMax shoppers who just want to buy a car your way.

1:24:19Want to check some cars out in person? Uh-huh. Want to look some more from your house? Okay. Want to pretend you know about engines? Nah, I'll just chat with CarMax online instead. Want to get pre-qualified from your couch? Woo! Want to get that car? Hey, that's a beat! You want to do it your way? Want to drive? CarMax.