In short
Podcast Episode Notes: The Art of Charm - Emotional Bids: The Key To Thriving Relationships
Episode Overview In this episode of *The Art of Charm*, hosts AJ, Johnny, and Coach Michael discuss the critical concept of emotional bids—the small, yet significant moments that shape our relationships. They provide insights into how recognizing and responding to these bids can either strengthen or weaken connections in both personal and professional contexts.
Key Concepts What Are Emotional Bids?
- Definition: Emotional bids are subtle invitations for attention, affirmation, or connection from one partner to another.
- Importance: They are crucial for deepening relationships and fostering emotional connections.
The Science Behind Emotional Bids
- Predictive Power: A study by Dr. John Gottman showed that by observing couples for just three minutes, one can predict the success or failure of their relationship based on how frequently they respond to each other’s emotional bids.
- Listening Skills: Active listening is essential for identifying emotional bids, highlighting the need to focus on underlying emotions rather than just words.
Main Discussions
- Understanding the Dynamics of Emotional Bids
- Recognition: Many relationships fail due to a lack of awareness of emotional bids.
- Consequences of Ignoring Bids: Ignoring emotional bids can lead to disconnection and, ultimately, relationship breakdowns.
- Types of Emotional Bids
- Common Emotional Bids:
- Attention: Seeking acknowledgment, e.g., "I talked to my boss today."
- Emotional Support: Expressing vulnerability, e.g., "I'm afraid I'm going to flunk this exam."
- Shared Interest: Inviting a conversation about a mutual interest, e.g., "Isn't this the best show you've ever seen?"
- Responses to Emotional Bids
- Turning Towards: Actively acknowledging and engaging with the emotional bid, fostering connection.
- Turning Away: Ignoring the bid, which can lead to feelings of neglect.
- Turning Against: Responding with criticism or sarcasm, which can damage the relationship.
- Practical Strategies to Enhance Connections
- Exercises to Identify Emotional Bids: Practicing awareness in everyday interactions can help recognize emotional bids.
- Transformative Conversations: Using emotional bids to steer conversations towards deeper emotional connections.
Actionable Insights
- Be Present: Focus on the emotional context during conversations and reduce distractions to better recognize emotional bids.
- Practice Active Listening: Engage with the speaker's emotions rather than just the surface content of their words.
- Validate Emotions: Respond positively to emotional bids to encourage deeper connections and trust.
Conclusion The episode emphasizes that emotional bids are foundational to building meaningful relationships. By turning towards these bids and practicing active listening, individuals can transform their interpersonal dynamics, leading to stronger personal ties and enhanced professional relationships.
Resources
- Cheat Sheet: List of emotional bids available at [theartofcharm.com/bids](https://theartofcharm.com/bids).
- X-Factor Accelerator: Program focusing on developing communication and relationship skills.
Final Thoughts Recognizing and nurturing emotional bids can serve as a "cheat code" for thriving relationships, encouraging vulnerability and connection. The episode encourages listeners to practice these skills in their daily interactions for improved emotional health and relationship satisfaction.
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00When it comes to what your family eats and drinks, you know your choices matter. You're the expert because you know what fits your life. And getting it right starts with good information. That's why America's beverage companies are sharing more information about our ingredients at GoodToKnowFacts.org. No spin, no judgments, just the facts straight from the experts for more than 140 beverage ingredients. Visit GoodToKnowFacts.org. Vulnerability is a little bit of a scary thing, so we package it in something that we meant to say anyway. So it's not that bright light of vulnerability, it's that spark that's packaged in a more or less regular sentence, and that's why it's so easy to overlook.
0:55Welcome to the Art of Charm podcast, where we break down the science of powerful communication and winning mindsets so you have the cheat code to succeed with people. Every episode is jam-packed with actionable steps to unlock the hidden superpowers inside of you. Level up with us each week by listening to interviews with the best in business, psychology, and relationships. We distill thousands of hours of research in the most effective tools and the latest science so you can start winning today. Let's face it, in order to be seen and heard, your communication needs to cut through the noise, and we're going to show you how.
1:27I'm AJ, successfully recovered introvert, entrepreneur, and self-development junkie. And I'm Johnny Zubak, former touring musician, promoter, rock and roller, and co-founder here at The Art of Charm. And for the last 15 years, we've trained thousands of top performers and teams from every background. We have dedicated our lives to teaching men and women all they need to know about communication, networking, and relationships. You shouldn't have to settle for anything less than extraordinary. I'm so excited for today's Toolbox episode, Johnny. This month, we're diving deep into one of our favorite topics, emotional bids.
2:05Now, you've heard us mention this on the show many times in the past. You may have even caught the last Toolbox episode on this. I think it was in 2018. So this week, Michael's joining us to dedicate an entire episode to really explain what emotional bids are, the impact they have on our relationships and why they're so important. And of course, some simple tips and strategies to help you spot them and react appropriately to start building better relationships. Welcome to the show. Thanks for joining us, Michael. So this is one of our favorite topics. And this is a toolbox revisited because we last chatted about emotional bids in 2018.
2:47And if you are subscribed to premium stitcher, well, you still have access to that incredible toolbox. Or if you're following us on YouTube, you may have watched it. But this comes up again and again, we reference it in many of our interviews and episodes. And I honestly view this as a cheat code to relationships because this changed my relationship with Amy entirely. So I'm so excited to have Michael and Johnny joining me today to talk exactly about emotional bids. If you've heard in your relationship, you're not listening to me and you sit there thinking, but I am listening, turn the volume up a little bit, maybe slow it down, turn off distractions, turn off notifications, and listen to this next hour because it will change how you show up in relationships that matter.
3:36And of course, we want to kick it off first with just giving you an overview of what emotional bids are, what they mean. If you've never heard this phrase before, this might be a little eye opening and maybe a new concept for you. And then we're going to share some strategies at the end to allow you to turn towards those emotional bids and deepen every relationship in your life. I can personally state upon learning emotional bids, what they are, how they worked, that they had changed my life. And they also changed the way that I viewed conversations and what I was looking for in conversations and allowed all of my relationships to be enhanced just from this one tool.
4:19And I had heard about the emotional bids, of course, a lot because we cover them here in the podcast so many times. But the first time I saw them in action was during boot camp, when the guys went out into a nightclub looking for emotional bids, reacting to them. And suddenly they were surrounded by people. And I was like, whoa, maybe I need to look into these emotional bids even more because I saw the power of them in action for hours and they just always worked. And it's amazing when you can respond to these emotional bids and the other person recognizes that and feels more comfortable getting vulnerable, sharing, and feels more connected to you, it really is a cheat code.
5:00I cannot stress it enough. So first things first, let's define an emotional bid, Michael. So this is an attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, and affection, or basically any kind of connection, usually positive connection. And they can be verbal. So, you know, asking for help, asking for advice, asking to share something. They can also be nonverbal. So this might be a smile, a wink, or, you know, a slight touch. And we make emotional bids in our relationships when we wish to develop depth, when we want to take that relationship further, whether that's with a romantic partner, with a friend, even with a co-worker.
5:46And even in networking and work in general. And the tricky thing is that I think this episode is going to open a lot of eyes and ears throughout us talking about it. Because after this episode, you will see them and hear them more specifically everywhere. And that's the powerful thing. So they can't really be overstated. Now, if you're a bootcamp alumni or an X-Factor Accelerator member, You've heard us talk about value time and time again. In fact, we were teaching value before we even discovered this concept of emotional bids. And we've always defined value as the three A's, right, Johnny? Yes, which is attention, approval, and acceptance.
6:32So as you see, there's a massive overlap in what Michael defined as emotional bids. And what we've been saying is give other people value. When we actually start paying attention to the signals that people in our life are giving us when they try to connect with us, when they try to seek that attention, that affirmation, that affection from us, well, we can now capitalize on a layer of communication that most of us are not paying attention to. So if you're sitting there a little social anxious, a little in your head, worried, how am I being perceived? Does this other person like me? We're about to blow the doors off of how you approach conversation because when you start seeing these signals and turning towards them, it lights up the room.
7:17The other person feels more connected to you than ever. Now, we're gonna break down how these work in principle. We're also gonna give you a couple common ones to look out for, but we have to start by giving a shout out to Dr. Gottman because he's the man who coined this exact phrase and his research in newlyweds, married couples, and longevity in romantic relationships is really foundational to how we view successful couples. And what I learned from that applied to my own relationship. So if you're sitting in the car next to your partner, if you're on your way home from work, ready to share a meal with your spouse or significant other, you're going to really appreciate what we're about to share with you.
8:02So let's kick it off with this newlywed study that we talk about so much, Michael. Yeah, so this was affectionately known as the Love Lab. And this was something that Dr. Gottman did in 1999. That's 22 years ago already. And what he did is he designed a lab in the University of Washington and he made it look like a bed and breakfast retreat. And then he invited 130 newlywed couples to spend a day in the retreat. So I'm assuming like one after the other, right? They were like all 130 in there at the same time. So a couple would come in and then they would be observed, observed how they interact with each other.
8:41So there were microphones and cameras everywhere. And of course they knew about this. And what Dr. Gottman discovered was that throughout the day, people or partners frequently made these requests for connection to each other. And this is what he then called the emotional bit. And after six years, he followed up with those couples and he discovered something big. He discovered that there was a big difference between how couples behaved that stayed married, how they behaved in the love lab, and those that didn't. And one of the key elements of this was how they responded to emotional bids. And those couples that were still happily married, they responded on average like 86 % of the time to an emotional bid that their partner made.
9:30While those that got divorced six years later or earlier, they only responded positively about 33 % of the time. And so Dr. Gottman said, okay, I seem to be on to something here. And he's then steepened his research and he worked with so many more couples. So the 130 really was just the tip of the iceberg that sparked the entire thing. And what he's able to do now, he's kind of infamous for his ability to watch a three-minute clip of a couple. He doesn't know the couple, doesn't know anything about them, but he sees a three-minute clip with audio and video and with 94 % accuracy, he can tell whether that couple will be broken up, unhappy or happy several years later with just three minutes of watching them.
10:22I want to just state, for the purposes of experiment and setting up this lab, this idea of the bed and breakfast is perfect to be able to observe a couple. When I think of the bed and breakfast, number one, they're out of their natural habitat. Number two, they're in a traveling scenario. And anyone who's traveled in a relationship knows the difficulties that go along with that. And if there is any issues within that relationship, the traveling is going to bring that out. And that has a bit of the, it's a small stress test, but just enough to see how a couple really behaves with each other. While they're at home, there is so much distraction and everyone's lives are rolling.
11:17But when you take them out of the home and put them in this scenario, the couple has, there's two ways this goes. They either retreat to their own psyche to deal with the new surroundings and what they want to do, or they connect to the point where it is them traveling together, opening up the world together, and you will be able to see the communication, how different both of those scenarios are. And great, guys. Couples. What does this have to do with me? I'm single. I'm not worried about romance. I'm a great listener. And here's the thing. This is why this context is so important. Yes, this was a study of romantic partners.
12:02But if you think about it, romantic partners have the deepest, realist connection. What Dr. Gottman is saying is that these emotional bids are the genesis of every single connection in our lives. So that's your coworkers, your peers, your friends, and your significant other. So if you're struggling to make deep connections, if you feel you have surface level friends, You have a lot of people in your life, but you're not comfortable getting vulnerable. Odds are you're also not turning towards these emotional bids and creating space for that other person to get vulnerable and connect with you. And this is not about just being a better listener.
12:44This is one of those areas where the Dunning-Kruger effect is alive and well because many of us over-index on our listening. The problem is we're not that great of listeners. And the science shows this again and again and again. In fact, it's common for doctors trained to help patients and listen to patients to interrupt patients within the first 11 seconds of that patient explaining what's wrong with them. And science says they actually need at least 30 seconds to get it out. But the doctor's already jumping ahead. How many of us are approaching our relationships, rushing, jumping ahead, thinking about what we need to say or how we need to prove our point or what happened to us.
13:26And among managers who had rated themselves as the best listeners, 94 % of them said they're fantastic listeners, except their staff, their employees rated them as horrible listeners. So if your staff is not feeling heard, if the team that you work with is not feeling supported, if you are not turning towards these emotional bids, you are doing them a disservice. And this is my favorite because I know Amy and Puppers can agree with this poll. In one poll, one third of women said their pets were better listeners than their partners. And this is a journey that I've been on over the last seven years of becoming a better, more present listener in my relationship with Amy.
14:12And one of our favorite guests, Adam Grant, says it best. Listening well is more than a matter of talking less. It's a set of skills in asking and responding. And it actually starts with showing more interest in other people's interests rather than trying to judge their status or even worse, prove our own. AJ, there's something there I wanted to point out. So you're talking about the doctor patient scenario and the doctor already knows what the diagnosis is, what he needs to do, what he needs to tell the patient. He's in what we call autopilot mode. He's going through the motions because though this patient might be having some new elements that he's explaining, the doctor's probably already been through this scenario six times this week, so he knows the drill.
15:08But if he cuts the patient off in 11 seconds and that patient does not feel that he's being heard, you can bet that that patient is not going to have a very good view of that doctor. If you don't have a very good view of that doctor, how does that then roll into how you respond to his advice? Number one, you might go to another doctor because you feel that he's not listening to you. You're not going to be as connected with him as you should be. Also, you're not going to take his advice as that serious because you didn't feel that you were being heard. And if you weren't heard, then how does he know what advice to give you?
15:50But yet, you know, he's doing his job. But he is in autopilot mode. And we have to account for that. And, you know, AJ, we do this show. We record so many of these. And a lot of people, I think, from the outside looking in, can see that, oh, they're just podcasters. They get a book, they look at some notes, they have a conversation, and it's a done deal. I know I don't want to go and do these interviews in an autopilot mode because we would get the same interview that everybody else is getting. And if somebody writes a book and they're doing the podcast circuit, well, I want our interview with this guest, say Adam Grant, to be a little bit special, to be something that will be unique to our competition and to the other interviews that are going on.
16:43And also more focused on what we do here at The Art of Charm because the people who are listening to our show, they're listening to it for a reason. And we want to give them that information. You might be able to tell me if this is true, but most people say that really listening is very tiring. You need a lot of concentration to be fully present and to listen. And when we do in the X Factor Accelerator, when we do our monthly improv training, we do those games where someone has to start telling a story and then we as the coaches, we interrupt them and the next person has to jump in. And so for 30 seconds or one minute, everyone has to really listen because they don't know who's going to be next.
17:29And after 90 minutes of improv training, everyone is tired. We're all exhausted because it takes a lot of energy. And this is also why being a good listener is so highly rated by those people that are actually being listened to because most people know this is taxing to really pay attention for a longer period of time. Well, here's another tidbit to make these podcasts what they are and how much effort and care that AJ and I put into them, which is the guest who's coming in, we'll use, since we used the Adam Grant quote, we'll use him as an example. So Adam's coming in, and guess what? Adam's already done 20 other podcasts and interviews and whatnot.
18:12To no fault of his own, he's just going to go into autopilot mode and start talking about his book. and if he's already done it 20 times, he's already got a rap of what it is going to be and he's going to get the conversation started. For AJ and I, we are trained and we talk about emotional bids on a weekly basis. We are looking for the emotional bids because if we're able to find one and pull it out and put the conversation around it, guess what? Adam's going to first break out of the autopilot and now he's going to be fully engaged in our interview. he's going to remember it and he's going to enjoy himself because it does step out of the box that he's been in for so long but now we're working in and talking about some other things that he really cares about that he hasn't had the opportunity to share and we've been able to locate what that is through listening for emotional bits all right so now that we've got everyone's interest aj salivating tell us tell us what emotional bits are So this is such an important concept that I would recommend if you don't catch it the first time, pause and double back.
19:23And I say that because many of our X Factor members and our bootcamp participants have written us and said this is the life-changing information in their relationships. relationships. You've mastered the technical side, the numbers, the strategy, the execution, but there's a variable you can't quite solve for. The X factor that some people just seem to have. And the truth, it's not magic. It's methodology. For 18 years, the Art of Charms X Factor Accelerator has decoded the science of influence and persuasion for analytical minds like yours, not with personality types or cheap psychology tricks, but with proven systems that deliver results fast.
20:06In just 12 weeks, you'll develop elite level rapport building skills, natural charisma that draws people in, and advanced networking abilities that create opportunities before others even see them. Special forces operators use it. Fortune 500 executives swear by it. Because for nearly two decades, it works. Implementation sessions, group coaching, and a money-back guarantee that puts our reputation on the line. The X-Factor Accelerator, because soft skills shouldn't be your toughest challenge. Head over to unlockyourxfactor.com to apply to join today. Accelerate relationship building to make an impact at unlockyourxfactor.com.
20:47Now, let's talk about how it works, why it works, and what you need to learn to create better and deeper connections. So here's how an emotional bid looks, and then we'll talk about how you react to it. An emotional bid is the emotional layer that lies behind a statement or an action. Now, emotional bids are the true meaning behind those words, which is why it takes an extra level of listening. It's not surface-level listening. So the actual words might be something like, look, a purple parakeet. The actual meaning is, hey, will you actually look out the window with me? at this beautiful bird that I'm talking about.
21:27So it's not just, oh, you know, Amy saw a bird, great. It's the participation in something that is exciting and makes the other person enthusiastic to share. Or, for example, I talked to my boss today. Well, great, you talked to your boss, right? You're listening on a surface level. What's the big deal? But the actual meaning is, will you let me share this story with you? I want to talk about this conversation with my boss. That's why I gave you that emotional bid. Or if you're introverted like me, you might get this question. How's it going? And if you're like Johnny and you're in autopilot, as we were talking about earlier, you might go, good, great.
22:08But actually, what that person is saying is, can I have your attention? And can you open up and share with me? I don't know what's going on with you. You're sitting there quietly, introverted AJ. So as you start to see, we're moving a layer behind the words. We're not just settling for the surface level boring conversation. We're going for that deeper meaning. And that's why we absolutely love this quote by Dale Carnegie because he really nails it. When dealing with people, remember, you're not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion. So it's that emotional context and layer behind what's being shared that allows us to connect on those emotions.
22:53Now, if you're in an analytical job, if you're an engineer or a scientist like many of our alumni in our programs, well, you're classically trained to listen for the data. What do you mean the emotional layer behind it? I don't have time for the emotional layer. I got facts and figures. I got to calculate. And it takes training yourself and being patient with it to start to recognize the deeper meaning behind it. So I think here for me as a total book nerd, I see a movie nerd as well, thanks to the pandemic and Netflix. I see a clear parallel for why I am reading novels, why I'm watching sci-fi series.
23:36Not because I want to see the data. I'm not watching the expanse because I want to know all about spaceships and chief forces. It's that emotional layer that's woven into the story. And that is, of course, a story. It has a different purpose than an emotional bit, but the principle is the same. A book or a movie is full of data, but that's not why people watch it or read it. And the same is true for when I say something to you. Yes, sometimes I want you to know the data. Hey, AJ, here's the login data, here's a calendar entry, of course. But very often I will say things that are just superficially data-oriented, But underneath, it's like, hey, AJ, I'm really proud of this one.
24:15Or hey, AJ, I could say, hey, AJ, here's an amazing testimonial I just got. And AJ could be like, okay, you know what? Testimonial, great. Or AJ could see the enthusiasm and the pride that is below it. Yeah, and I'd like to add to that as well. If you're trained to listen to info, as AJ was speaking about, well, you're able to hear everything, every word that was said. So when you're like, yeah, yeah, right. The purple parakeet, I see it. They're like, this is why you get in return. You're not listening to me because it was never about the purple parakeet. It was about spending quality time in that moment together.
24:55It was about being with somebody, tracking the same thing, having sharing in this experience. So if you are somebody who continues to get, you're not listening to me, this is why. You're listening on a very cerebral level, but not on a lizard brain level. And also, I want everyone who's listening to this to understand that we are dealing with multiple levels of communication at all times. If you think advertising is just telling you why their product is cool and why you should have it and what the specifics are to your life in purchasing this, I got news for you. You're missing out on the complete subconscious communication that is going on that is manipulating your emotions through the visuals, through certain words to bring out certain emotions in you to get you excited.
25:52So where you're like, I need this without even realizing that you have logically bought into this idea. You're now thinking about it emotionally. And once you are thinking about a product that you need emotionally, it's only a matter of time before you logically come to the conclusion that you need it, that you're going to go buy it. But you've already bought it moments earlier. This reminds me of an experience I had over the holiday break. So Amy's sister was visiting, and I know that Amy and her sister love Harry Potter. I'm not really a fan of those action hero movies or fantasy movies, but I decided to surprise Amy by getting the 4K box set of Harry Potter.
26:37Best Christmas ever. Exactly, right, Michael? Now, before understanding emotional bits, I would have summed it up as boy goes to school, becomes wizard, graduates. Why do I need eight movies to get this accomplished? But watching those eight movies in 4K, exactly what Michael's talking about. The emotional rollercoaster is why we seek out entertainment. It's also why we seek out connection with others. So emotional bids are a two-way street. You may not be paying attention to others, and you may also not be communicating emotional bids towards others. So you may be just slinging facts and data and not including that emotion and the other person's feeling disconnected from you and saying, oh, AJ doesn't really wanna connect with me or oh, Johnny's not in a good mood.
27:30He doesn't really seem that he wants to have this conversation with me. So emotional bids are that underlying communication powering every connection in our lives. So here are some common types. Now there are nine. We don't have time to go through all nine, but if you head over to theartofcharm.com slash bids, B-I-D-S, theartofcharm.com slash bids, you're going to be able to download a screensaver to save these nine on your phone. And I recommend in conversation, you put it on airplane mode, you review it before you're talking to someone you really care about, and you're going to notice these bids coming at you in every relationship in your life.
28:12But as we were saying, if you're distracted, if you're thinking about what you're going to cook for dinner or what book you're going to read in the evening, and Amy's saying, I talked to my boss today, well, you're probably not going to catch that underlying meaning that Amy wants to share a story and wants that quality time. And that's why it's important to turn down the distractions, turn off the TV, and have those moments to really connect with someone. So let's give three of our favorites. And these are classic examples. The first is a bid for attention. And this one is the most frequent one you're going to encounter because, as we said, many of us are walking around distracted.
28:53We got that endless distraction device in our pocket that sometimes we even think is vibrating when it's not. Our focus is constantly on what's going on in our pocket. So this one, a bid for attention. As we said, you won't believe what my boss said to me today. Oh, what did he say? In the past, I would have said, Amy, what's for dinner? Right? I'm hungry. I've had a long day too. And I'm the boss. And I need to get moving. I'm not really concerned about what your boss said. Right? And that would be what we call turning away from that emotional bid. We're short-circuiting what Amy really wants, which is attention.
29:33And the second one is shared interest, a bid for actual interest from you. Isn't this the best show you've ever seen? Again, you could say, meh, I don't know. I've seen the Harry Potter movies. This doesn't compare. Or you could say, this is a pretty good show. Why do you enjoy it so much? What do you love about it? That's turning towards the emotional bid. I just want to point that out. So you mentioned that's turning towards it. So you're asking them a question directed at the emotional bid that allows them to dive into the emotional state that they were bringing up that allows them to feel good about Harry Potter.
Read the full transcript
30:14So now, regardless of how you feel about it or if you've even seen it, guess what they get to do? They get to tell you all about it. And now they're stoking that emotional state and they're getting worked up by it and they're allowing it to take over. So now all of a sudden, the conversation that I had with AJ about Harry Potter is a feel-good conversation, which people don't remember what you say. They remember how you make them feel. Now, that example is nuanced. So I want to point this out for the audience. I did not just take that question and respond with a question. I said, you know, the show is pretty good.
30:57What do you like about it? Why do you love it so much? I'm buffering my follow-up question with an actual statement. That's turning towards the bit. So when you listen to this, rewind it a little bit and re-listen to that because many in our audience get tripped up and go, oh, great. I just throw a follow-up question. Oh, I turned towards the bit. No, that person is asking for your interest level and then you're opening it up to go deeper into that emotional bid and thus creating that amazing connection. Now, what we've been sharing, I know, it's positive emotions, baby. It's exciting, AJ. This is great.
31:37I get it. It's just happy, fun feelings. No, emotional bids are also tied to negative emotions. And the third one we're going to give you is a bid for emotional support. I'm afraid I'm going to flunk this exam. Now, you may have heard that and said, don't worry about it. You'll do fine. You're so studious. You're going to crush it. But that's actually turning away from that emotional bid. That's not offering that person emotional support. I see you nodding, Michael. This one is, I was waiting for you to pick it because otherwise I would have thrown it in as an extra. This is the one that people usually pick up on.
32:17If I come to you and I say, oh, AJ, I'm really worried about, I don't know, what could you be worried about during a pandemic? This interview. I'm really worried about this podcast. Exactly. I'm really worried about this interview. Most people will pick up on that because I'm addressing an emotion more or less directly. But what they then do is they turn against it by saying, hey, don't worry about it. You're cool. You can do this. But that's not what I've been saying. I don't want you to negate me. I want you to be where I am at and come with me. So yeah, thanks for picking the emotional support one.
32:53I always have to use that example in class and bootcamp and X Factor because all we go through those nine emotional bids and everyone's nodding their head and saying, I get it, AJ. Totally. Positive emotions. Who doesn't want to connect on positive emotions? Positivity, baby. It's not all about positive emotions. It's about recognizing all emotions and understanding that there are going to be times when your partner, your friend, your peer, your coworker, your staff member is going to be turning towards you for emotional support. And they don't want to hear that emotion invalidated. They don't want you to turn away or dismiss it.
33:31They want you to help them unpack it and recognize it and feel supported. And listen, some of these are very easy to get. and they're easy to spot and interpret, while others are going to be a little harder to detect. It takes a level of you being mindful and being present in that conversation. And if that's not something you're doing right now, if that's something you're struggling with, well, that's exactly what we focus on in our core confidence program is developing your present moment awareness so that you're not paying attention to the past, the future, all those thoughts swirling in your head, but you're able to actually sit there and engage in an amazing conversation, fully listening to the other person.
34:15The thing with emotional bids is really we wouldn't need them if people were just able to say, hey, AJ, I'm worried about this podcast interview. Hey, AJ, I'm really proud of this person that went through Core Confidence and just graduated and the progress that they've made. But vulnerability is a little bit of a scary thing, So we package it in something that we meant to say anyway. So it's not that bright light of vulnerability, it's that spark that's packaged in a more or less regular sentence and that's why it's so easy to overlook. And if people were simply to say, hey, I need you right now, we wouldn't have to do a toolbox episode on emotional bits, but people don't tend to do that because being vulnerable is scary.
35:05Even with your partner, vulnerability can be scary. And so emotional bids are just a construct in the language that allows to sneak in vulnerability. And then fingers crossed, I hope the other person picks up on it, which hopefully your listeners are now able to do. And that's why we created a cheat sheet for you. So you don't have to take diligent notes. We got you covered. The art of charm.com slash bids, B-I-D-S. and you will get access to our cheat sheet where you can download it to your phone and have those nine to follow along with and pay attention to. Now, we threw a couple phrases at you here.
35:43Turning towards, turning away, and there's a third one, turning against. So we've now recognized these emotional bits. Great, guys, I'm listening, I'm following along. What do we do with them and how do we deepen that connection? Well, turning towards an emotional bit is what we need to do to deepen that connection. And turning towards someone's emotional bids means giving them your attention, approval, and acceptance, giving them that value that we talked about. And when you turn towards them, that person hears, I see you. I care. I'm invested. That is what they hear when we are turning towards that bid.
36:24I know you're nodding your head, Johnny. Well, there is turning towards, turning away, and turning against. and I know a lot of couples out there like to think that they have a good relationship where their significant other can come to them with anything and that's certainly where you would like to be in your relationship you would want your significant other if something was bothering them to come and tell you about it so you guys can work it out now how do you get to a place where both parties feel good about coming to each other, about what is bothering them, concerning them? Well, it is turning towards emotional bids.
37:06Every time that there is an emotional bid and you turn towards it, you are opening up lines of communication. I want you to think of communication phone lines going between you and the person that you have this relationship with. Every time you turn toward them when they throw out an emotional bid, you open those lines up. When you turn away, you constrict those lines. So if those communication lines are not opening up, then why would the person who needs support come to you when they run the risk of throwing out an emotional bid and you not acknowledging it? If you ignore it, they're put in a position where they feel neglected.
37:55And if they feel neglected or ignored, then those lines have broken down, they're constricted, and you're going to get less emotional bids. If you learn what the emotional bids are, attentive, and you acknowledge them, and you validate them with confirmation, and you explore them, you're opening up these lines, and now every time that that person has a problem, has an issue, wants to share in celebration, you're the person that they're coming to. So if your relationship is faltering, and this is any relationship with friends, family, significant other, you have to work to opening those lines back up.
38:40Once those lines are back up, then you're going to reap the benefits of that. If those lines are closed, well, of course, your significant other isn't coming to you with issues, problems, or a celebration. And guess what? They will find somebody else who they can come to to find that support and to find somebody to celebrate with. And nobody wants that. As the weather finally cools down, I'm swapping in the pieces that actually get the job done. Warm, durable, and built to last. And Quince delivers every time. Quince has all the false staples you actually want to wear on repeat, like 100 % Mongolian cashmere sweater starting at just$60, classic fit denim, and real leather and wool outerwear that looks sharp and holds up.
39:24I've actually got my eye on their suede trucker jacket. It's perfect for layering, and it hits that balance of casual but still put together. What I like about Quince is they partner directly with ethical factories and top artisans. By cutting out the middlemen, you get premium quality at half the cost of similar brands. And it's not just clothing. I love their sheets. They have items like bedding and travel accessories. Quince has really become a go-to for me across the board. Same here. Everything I grab from Quince has held up and it doesn't wreck my budget. Layer up this fall with pieces that feel as good as they look.
39:57Go to quince.com slash charm for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash charm. Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash charm. If you're still overpaying for wireless, it's time to say yes to saying no. That's Mint Mobile's whole thing. Their favorite word is no. No contracts, no monthly bills, no overages, no hidden fees, no BS. And that's why I love Mint Mobile premium wireless service for just 15 bucks a month. Ditch those overpriced plans with jaw-dropping bills, surprise overages, and all the hidden fees. Mint starts at just$15 a month.
40:38And you're not giving up coverage. Every plan comes with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network. You can even use your own phone, keep your number, and bring all your contacts with you. No hassle. Mint Mobile is unbeatable at this pricing. Ready to say yes to saying no? Make the switch at mintmobile.com slash charm. That's mintmobile.com slash charm. Upfront payment of$45 required, equivalent to$15 per month. Limited time new customer offer for the first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on an unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.
41:16Think you're the only one struggling with performance issues in the bedroom? You're not. And now there's an easier way to fix it. From home. That's where RexMD comes in. It's an online telehealth service that helps men get real FDA-approved medications straight to your door. Everything's done online. No doctor's office. No waiting rooms. No awkward conversation. Here's how it works. First, share your symptoms, health history, and goals through a short quiz. Then, a U.S. licensed provider reviews your information and prescribes medication, if appropriate. Your treatment gets sent to you with free two-day delivery.
41:48It's that easy. And RexMD team is there for ongoing care. Just send a message. What I love about RexMD? Total discretion, private consultations, and direct-to-door delivery in discreet packaging. No pharmacy trips needed. Plus, it's care that you can trust. FDA-approved medications tailored to individual needs. Over 475 ,000 men have chosen RexMD, with over 50 million tablets prescribed and delivered. This isn't just about performance. It's about feeling secure in yourself and your relationships again. Don't put your love life on hold. Take back control of your confidence and intimacy. Get up to 95 % off treatment with RexMD.
42:28Visit rexmd.com slash charm. That's rexmd.com slash charm. See full details and usage at rexmd.com. Prescription required. Results may vary. And I would also like to point out that this doesn't have to be a lot. So the other person is not looking for a major commitment. He or she is looking for a connection. So if Amy were to say to AJ, oh, those Harry Potter movies, they were great. we have to do another Harry Potter marathon. AJ doesn't have to close the computer, cancel all his appointments, and then sit down for 93 hours, right? That would be the commitment. It would be enough for AJ to say, oh yeah, you're right, they were so great, you remember this Quidditch match in the first movie?
43:17That is already turning toward that emotion. So you don't always have to close everything you're doing and go after this. Just recognizing it and letting the other person know that I see you, I care about you. That is enough to turn it toward. Yes, we're learning how to identify and validate them because there are so many being thrown at us on a day-to-day basis. You just need to be able to recognize a decent portion of them to keep those lines open. However, if that person starts to feel that they're going to be vulnerable and run the risk of being ignored, well, then you're going to get less and less emotional bids.
43:58And remember, if you're looking to reignite your relationship or put it back together, you need to pay attention to the few emotional bids that you are getting on a day-to-day basis. And then when you validate those emotional bids, you'll start to see more and more when those lines open back up. And that is one of the most rewarding things in teaching this. And it reminds me of one of our executive clients. So he was a major international company and he was referred to us from a couples therapist that we had on the show. And he came to us thinking, I just need to become more outgoing and I need to get my swag was the quote unquote, what he was looking for and working with us at the Art of Charm.
44:41And I remember going through emotional bids and telling him straight up like this is going to change your relationship with your wife. And he's like, no, no, no. I'm working on that with a therapist. That's not that important to me. Let's get to the swag part. Let's get to the part where I'm actually cool and outgoing. And I'm like, trust me, I'm telling you, this is going to take your relationship to the next level. We went through the emotional bids and then he took off and he messaged us in between that session and the following session that he wished he would have taken better notes. Can we review these emotional bids on the next session?
45:12Because when he turned towards his partner's emotional bid, which is probably the first time he'd done it in years, being a super successful, crazy packed schedule executive, running a major company, he's always distracted. He always has other things on his mind. But in that moment of turning towards, recognizing and turning towards that bid with his wife changed the entire game. So he came back the next session, came to the house, and we had to review those emotional bids. And he was writing diligently all nine of them. So it's subtle. It doesn't have to be a major change in your behavior. It's not clear the schedule.
45:47But some simple examples of turning towards the bid. You know, oh my God, it's a purple parakeet. Stop what you're doing. Get up and look out the window with your significant other. Or two friends are talking and one makes a joke. Well, that's a bid for connection. So laugh at the joke. Recognize that that person is showcasing a sense of humor. Or let's talk about why these responses are so important. We have to understand that in these moments, these emotional bids, we are our most vulnerable. We're putting a little fishing line out there saying, I'm trying to make a connection here. I really want to nibble on that line.
46:26I want to know that you care. I want to feel seen and heard. Now, turning away is when we actually ignore that emotional bit. So there's no reaction. We keep washing the dishes. We're not going to the window to check out the parakeet. We keep our plans with our friends. We're not going on Amazon to order the Harry Potter eight-disc set. These are small, subtle actions to ignore our partner, our friend, our peer, our co-worker, our staff member that over time build resentment. And that resentment poisons relationships. And this can be as small as, oh, look, there's a bird outside of the window.
47:09Great. It can be as little as that. I mean, come on, what do you want? I said great, didn't I? Yeah, but on the emotional level, you were turning away. To me, turning away from an emotional bit, if I were to imagine it in a comic strip, it's two people approaching, one holds out the hand to shake before and after the pandemic, don't do it right now, but holds out the hand to shake and the other person just ignores it and doesn't shake. That is how it would look like if it were physically expressed, but for the purpose of this being verbal behavior, It's like, yeah, I just ignore you. I don't go after it.
47:47I don't bite. It also gives you an opportunity to pick which emotional bid you want to explore, too. It gives you an opportunity to steer the conversation into something that you will be more excited about as well. You're going to always get not just one emotional bid, and if you catch it, you catch it. And if you don't, well, that's it. You're going to get flooded with a few of them, and it is up to you. to start recognizing them and then responding to them in a way that allows the person to explore and stoke the emotions that they're looking to get into. Now, the third thing that we could do to an emotional bid is to turn against, actually reject that emotional bid through criticism or sarcasm.
48:33Many of us in our audience, many of you listening right now may be that sarcastic friend, That sarcastic spouse who always has a one-liner, what a stupid bird who loves purple parakeets. Come on, we love dogs. In those moments of that biting sarcasm, you might get a laugh. You might think it's fun, but the other person is not feeling seen or heard appropriately. Now, pop quiz for you because I got this wrong. Let's think about this. Turning away from that emotional bit, ignoring it, right? going on with your day, keep washing the dishes, don't check out the bird, or turning against, being critical, being sarcastic.
49:18Which of those two do you think damages the relationship more? I actually got this wrong. Can someone play the Jeopardy music while we have them think about this for a few seconds? I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Turning away is actually worse. To stick with a bird example, oh look there's a great bird out there if I don't react at all it feels like you are nothing to me I don't even hear you I don't you are not there but if I turn and I say well the birds are stupid at least I acknowledge you I'm still I'm still not doing the right thing but at least I acknowledge you and I let you know that you know I don't agree with you at all but at least I recognize the fact that you just made a comment.
50:04And then the other person can step up and say, what do you mean? Like birds aren't stupid. Birds are amazing. Birds are better than Harry Potter. And now a discussion starts. So still saying, try to not turn away. Try to not turn against. But if you accidentally have to decide between one of the two evils, don't turn away. Now, if you are digging this toolbox and you're ready to recognize emotional bids, take a screenshot, tag us right now at The Art of Charm, and share it with us on social media. We want to turn towards you, our audience, and share you supporting the show. Yes. Now, emotional bids have changed our life.
50:45So take a screenshot now, tag us, let us know you're enjoying this episode. So we've covered emotional bids, their significance, gave you some clear examples. Now, let's talk a little bit about why and how we can utilize these with some tools around emotional bits. Now, there's a great quote by Ernest Hemingway. When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen. Yes, you're listening to the show, but you're probably also washing dishes, running, doing something else. How many of us are going through life only half listening? We got something on our mind, some tasks we're doing physically.
51:26We're always moving, but we're not actually present. And we teach all of our X-Factor Accelerator participants the importance of listening with our eyes and our ears because these emotional bids are subtle. They're below the surface. And there are a lot of different emotional bids as we talked about. So it takes practice for you to bring it to a conscious level and bring it into your interactions. So this week, I want to challenge you. I want you to think at the end of that interaction, what was the emotional bid in that interaction? Ask yourself that prompt. You know, it's so fascinating. We do this with our bootcamp participants and with X Factor Accelerator.
52:07We play back the video and we say, what emotional bids did you catch? And so many of us in the moment, we're not catching it. But when we take the time, rewind the tape, we're like, oh, that one and that one and that one. So the simple act of reflecting on interactions throughout this week, the next week, and asking yourself after, what was the emotional bid there? Was there an emotional bid? Did I recognize one from what these gentlemen talked about on the show? And have realistic expectations. As Johnny said, it's impossible to catch every single one of them. And that's not the goal. We're not here to make you perfectionists.
52:42We're actually here to make you more connected. And when you start recognizing them, even if you miss a few, you miss most of them. The simple act of recognizing and turning towards one or two in your interaction changes everything. Like that executive coaching client literally changed his marriage. And of course, once you spot it, turn towards it. There's no reason to be biting or critical or sarcastic, but actually celebrate that moment that this person wants to connect with me. This person values me so much that they're willing to get vulnerable, they're willing to open up, they're willing to share with me.
53:23Now, people will wonder, like, there's so many emotions out there, what if I pick the wrong one? And that's actually the cool thing with emotional bits, that turning toward an emotional bit is just the turning toward. It doesn't matter if you get the emotion specifically right. So to add yet another thing that you already said, AJ, maybe people have to listen with their eyes to see that while I talk with you, I'm a little slummed over and I don't make eye contact. And I'm like, you know, closed body language. And now you might pick up on an emotional bit and you might say, oh, Michael, you look sad, right?
54:00Turning toward what's happening here. And maybe you're wrong. And I say, no, no, no, actually, you know what? I'm not sad, but I'm tired. I didn't sleep that much, right? You got it wrong, but that doesn't matter at all because you said through reacting to my emotional bid, you said, I care about you and I see you. And the fact that you mixed up sad and tired, that's secondary, but you were there reacting to it. And understand that daily stress wears us down. It makes it difficult for us to see these emotional bids. So managing your own stress will allow you to be a better partner, a better coworker, a better friend.
54:39And also understand that self-esteem impacts our ability to see emotional bids. So if you're feeling a little down on yourself, you're lacking in some confidence, you need a boost of self-esteem, well, one, definitely check out Core Confidence, our coaching program that Michael runs, six weeks to get you rock-solid confidence and rebuild that self-esteem. But two, understand that this is a process of self-development. And as your self-esteem starts to pick back up and grow, you're going to start to see that people around you are giving you more signals and you're recognizing more of those signals.
55:11And the killer thing about all of this that we talked about going back to Dr. Gottman is soon-to-be-divorced marriages miss 80 % of each other's bids, whereas happy marriages still miss 20%. So think about that. Pareto principle at work. If you're missing 80%, well, you're on your way to the courthouse. But if you're missing 20%, You're still, you get 80%, right? You're still in a happy, successful marriage. You're still having a great relationship with that partner, that coworker, that friend. And this can sometimes be frustrating for you that have now learned about emotional bids and you're excited to bring those into your daily conversations.
55:57But here's the thing, the other person hasn't heard this episode. When you make an emotional bid, they might not pick it up because they don't have that knowledge. They don't know what to look for. So don't be frustrated with them. Maybe send them to us, share the podcast with them. I think you need to listen to those three guys. Maybe there's something in there for you. Well, one of our X Factor members did just that. He recognized that he was missing these emotional bids and he was worried he's about to get married and he was worried that his fiance and him were starting off on the wrong foot.
56:34and he grabbed our old toolbox episode on emotional bids and in a car ride, he flipped it on. And afterwards, they had a conversation about emotional bids and brought awareness to both of them and how they're showing up in the relationship. So we want to support you in every relationship that you're building and recognize that these are the foundational building blocks to those connections. To wrap this up, there are emotional bids all the time out there. And we've given you a bunch of examples and you can also go to theartofcharm.com slash bids, B-I-D-S to get all nine and you can put them on your screen.
57:10But for now, the easiest way to think about them is that an emotional bid is the underlying emotion under that piece of data that the other person gives you. That is the rule of thumb. That's what you look for. And the way you need to respond to them is with attention, with approval and acceptance. You don't have to commit to cleaning your calendar and going on that trip. You just have to turn towards it and say, oh yeah, that's a great idea. Oh, I think that's cool as well. You're already doing it right. And the better you become at recognizing those emotional bits and turning towards the bitter, the more you will build those steep and meaningful relationships, you'll develop your listening skills and you'll be a better conversation as well.
58:07And now comes the part of the show where we highlight one of our X Factor Accelerator members. Take it away, Clint. This is Clint, and I'm in capital sales, and I'm a former X Factor student. I joined X Factor because I felt I needed more personal and professional growth. I considered myself successful in my career, but when it came to having conversations with customers, I felt I wasn't building relationships to their full potential. I then started noticing I was having similar shortfalls in personal relationships. Additionally, I felt a confidence void in certain situations, and I was hoping I could improve on that as well.
58:43Through the work I did at X Factor and the core confidence course, I was able to improve on both of these areas of my life. And since completing the X Factor, I've transitioned to a new position, and the skills learned helped me securing an approximate 30 % increase in pay. So to any guy who considers himself a driven individual, but feels he's not quite achieving all he thinks is possible in his current situation, I'd say look hard at joining X Factor. It sure did great things for me. Thank you for the kind words, Clint. And it was a pleasure working with you too. And good luck to all your future endeavors.
59:21If you've listened this far, you're probably somebody who understands the value of building meaningful connections and expanding your network. Well, do we have something special for you today? Imagine a world-class networking program that helps you grow your social capital, not just through random handshakes and business cards, but through your general interests and core values. Introducing the Social Capital Training, your gateway to mastering the art of authentic networking. Whether you're a professional looking to climb the career ladder, an entrepreneur seeking partnerships, or just somebody who wants to enhance their social skills, our free Social Capital Training is designed for you.
59:57It's not about collecting contacts. It's about cultivating connections that matter. What makes our program stand out? We focus on leveraging your unique interests and values to create powerful, lasting relationships. Ready to take your networking game to the next level? Head on over to theartofcharm.com slash SC and watch your free social capital training today. Don't miss out on this opportunity to transform your social life. That's theartofcharm.com slash SC for your free social capital training. Elevate your network. Elevate your life with social capital. If you've gotten value out of this or any of our podcasts, head on over to your favorite podcast player and rate and review the show.
1:00:38It means the world to us and it helps others find the show. Before we head out, a huge thank you to our producers, Michael Harold and Eric Montgomery. Until next week, go out there and crush it.
1:00:57You threw your love away Like it was just a toy And you sold the world Your song of a tragedy Cause you had your taste All black on the yesterday Yeah, but I remember you Oh yeah, I remember you If I'm not ever, ever, ever, ever
From the publisher
In today's episode, we show you the cheat code to building deep relationships with AJ, Johnny, and Coach Michael.
Discover the secret language of connection in today’s episode as AJ, Johnny, and Coach Michael dive into the concept of emotional bids — the small, powerful moments that make or break our relationships. Why are emotional bids so vital to our personal and professional lives? How can we recognize them, and what happens when we ignore them? AJ and Johnny break down the science of emotional bids, share practical strategies to strengthen your connections, and reveal how simple shifts in awareness can transform the way you interact with others. Whether you're looking to deepen your personal relationships or enhance your influence at work, this episode is packed with actionable insights to help you build lasting, meaningful bonds.
What to Listen For
Introduction – 00:00:00
What are emotional bids, and how do they serve as subtle invitations to connect?
Why do so many relationships fail due to a lack of awareness about emotional bids?
Why is recognizing emotional bids a critical skill for relationship success?
How does ignoring your partner’s emotional bids lead to disconnection and eventually the end of the relationship?
The Science of Emotional Bids – 0:07:30
How can you predict the success or failure of a relationship based on 3 minutes of interaction?
What role does active listening play in identifying emotional bids during everyday conversations?
Why is it essential to focus on the emotions behind the words, rather than just the words themselves?
What strategies can make you more memorable and likable after just one conversation?
How to Identify Emotional Bids – 0:18:48
What exactly is an emotional bid and how do you recognize them in conversation or in your relationship?
What are the Most Common Emotional Bids? – 0:27:30
What are common types of emotional bids, such as bids for attention or emotional support?
What does it mean to "turn toward" an emotional bid, and why is it the foundation of lasting relationships?
How can "turning away" or "turning against" emotional bids contribute to relationship breakdowns?
What are the three ways to respond to emotional bids, and which response guarantees failure?
Leverage Emotional Bids for the Strongest Relationship – 0:48:02
What simple exercises can help you become more aware of emotional bids in your daily interactions?
How can a lack of attention to emotional bids lead to divorce or long-term relationship issues?
Why do emotional bids reflect vulnerability, and how does responding positively encourage deeper connection and trust?
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices