From Likable to Influential: The 3C Method [Social Intelligence Brief]

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0:42That's why America's beverage companies are sharing more information about our ingredients at GoodToKnowFacts.org. No spin, no judgments, just the facts straight from the experts for more than 140 beverage ingredients. Visit GoodToKnowFacts.org. Ever walk out of a conversation and think, why didn't that go deeper? Did I just nod and smile my way through it? Well, here's the problem. For many of us, we think that being likable and agreeable makes us more influential and charismatic. And actually, the science is clear. That is not true. Just by nodding and smiling along, you are not increasing your charisma and you are certainly not becoming more influential.

1:25So today we're going to talk about why we fall into this trap and how to break free of being agreeable to actually become more charismatic in conversation.

1:42Now, most people think being liked is the secret to influence and that default being agreeable will actually get you ahead. And in fact, the hard truth is this might be exactly what's holding you back. The science is quite clear. Overly agreeable people are more likely to experience suppressed needs, poor boundaries, and burnout. They say yes when they should be saying no and wonder why no one respects them. In fact, agreeable people get remembered for being safe. That's not influence, that's camouflage. There's nothing wrong with being agreeable. However, when you're predictably agreeable, then you're easily taken advantage of.

2:25But the other part that goes along with that is that you become boring. People know what you're going to say. I've certainly have friends in my life and there's, you know, and there's even some notable internet personalities who pride themselves on being chill, laid back, going with the flow. And that, you know, if you're, if you would just want to go have some beers with somebody and have some fun, well, of course you want to ride or die who's open to doing whatever you're doing. But iron sharpens iron. If you want to get better, you need to be challenged. For you yourself, you're going to need to challenge people to find out if people are good enough to be hanging out with you.

3:14Ultimately, we have to decide that we're the prize. Our time is our most important asset. And the people who come into our life need to be awarded with it. And they need to deserve to be awarded with it. That gives you respect in other people's eyes. Otherwise, you're a milquetoast fence sitter that really no one's not going to ask an opinion about because, hey, you're just going to go with the flow. And here's the trap that being agreeable sets for you. It lowers your assertiveness. It suppresses your own emotions. You can't actually say what you think and feel because instead you don't want to rock the boat.

3:53You don't want to tick anyone off. You have difficulty setting boundaries, saying no to things that you probably shouldn't be doing, whether that's in a work context of taking on your co-workers' projects or whether that's in a relationship where you're going to food you don't want to eat, you're going to see movies you don't want to see, and a loss of authenticity which actually kills your charisma and makes you less likable. So oftentimes we don't realize that being agreeable creates these mental health challenges like anxiety and emotional fatigue in our relationships. And it's very easy to think, hey, if I just say yes to things and if I'm more agreeable, then people are gonna like me.

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7:06You will begin to feel manipulated. Feel being used because you are. And here's what's even worse. For the person experiencing your agreeableness from a social intelligence lens, it kills their trust because people sense you're not being real and then they don't feel safe opening up to you or sharing with you. And they actually close themselves off from you. Now, Harvard researchers found that conversations with productive tension, meaning respectful disagreement or contrarian views, are actually more engaging than agreeable exchanges. So think about that. When you actually are agreeing with someone, you're less memorable.

7:48If you're challenging someone in a respectful way, you're sharing a different opinion, you're sharing what you actually feel, that increases your memorability and is going to make you more influential. Challenge sparks memory. And think about it. You post something on social media, all your friends and family liking, giving you comments. Oh, I love that. Great photo. and one person says, what's that background or what kind of shirt is that? What's gonna stand out to you more? The hundreds of positive comments or the one negative? Well, we know that challenging can work in that strong of a degree.

8:25And we're not saying here that you should be negative for the sake of being negative, but it actually allows you to stand out in a noisy world where everyone seems to be agreeable. When I think about it, AJ, there has certainly been a client or two recently who this mindset had screwed them. It put them in a relationship that they were unhappy in. They were living in a way that they were unhappy with and doing a job that they were doing that they were unhappy with because they were the easy choices. There wasn't no risk. There was no friction. It was just easy. well that that's what happens when you make easy decisions you eventually corner yourself to where there's no more easy decisions to be made and the decisions that you have to make to get yourself out of that corner are going to be more tough than anything you would have had to do in the beginning to choose something that you wanted to do or see things come to fruition the way you want them to.

9:40And what's so interesting is we often default to agreeableness to avoid conflict. But in the end, it just actually makes that final conflict even worse, a breakup, a job loss, complete frustration and emotional burnout from being agreeable. So how do we do this without being a jerk? We're going to use the 3C model here to stand out and to shift from being likable to influential. And the first one is to challenge with respect. So you could say something like, that's interesting. I used to think the same thing until I realized blank. So, wow, that's interesting. I used to avoid eating carbs while I was trying to lose weight until I realized that carbs really powered my workout.

10:24Now, you're not saying the other person's completely wrong for only eating protein. But what you're showcasing is that you have a different opinion and that removes the natural urge for you to be agreeable. Oh, yeah, I love protein too. And creates an opportunity for you to stand out in conversation, to put a stake in the ground and say what has worked for you. The second C is curiosity with intention. So what makes you say that? Or, hey, have you seen it play out differently in your experience? So bringing curiosity to start to challenge people is another easy way in conversation to remove that agreeableness that you may be showing up with that's robbing you of that charisma and influence.

11:06And the third C is contrast with authenticity. So here's a different way I've seen it work. So now you're presenting a completely different viewpoint that's tied to your personal experience. So play around with the 3C model. You'd be surprised how often you might be nodding along and saying yes, just not to rock the boat in hopes that people like you more. And instead, you're actually killing your influence. And this has nothing to do with being combative for the sake of attention or a contrarian because those roles in themselves are exhausting to people. However, if AJ gives me his truth, well, then I'm curious to learn more.

11:54This makes AJ interesting. thing. You're not delivering a message that is now actually you're wrong and I'm right and here's why, but you're speaking your truth. And this is another concept that we work on in our classes that are incredibly powerful because most people live a truth that was provided for them through other sources. And usually it's bits and pieces from this person, this friend, this book I read, this movie I saw. And you have a working, well, you have a terribly working worldview that that is cherry picked that doesn't have much power to it. So if I ask you questions of what leading you to those decisions, you have to go back through your mind, think about why you have that weird view, where it came from, and does it even have any relevance to who you are and your authenticity?

13:02And in building your truth from the ground up, your core values, how they impact the way you see the world, the way you navigate it, and how you show up, this now begins to build an authenticity that most people have never realized about themselves in the past. And this is why for a lot of people, when they get out of work relationships, they say that I've been working on myself for the past year, because unless you actively go to do that, that's not happening. You're running on a script, a worldview that has been cherry picked, that has worked for some things and not for others. And it doesn't allow you to feel strong and being authentic, putting yourself out there, giving your truth to other people so that you become interesting, magnetic.

13:57People want to know more. In fact, they're now seeking you out. They want to know more. They want to find out what are these, this worldview, what are these inner workings that make you, you. That's how enticing they are. and so for other people to hear that, that draws them in. We've seen these mistakes happen in our clients and we want you to avoid them at all costs. We're not saying mistake number one, just be contrarian for the sake of it. If you're gonna be contrarian, have some empathy behind it and have an understanding of what you're bringing to the contrarian viewpoint that could add to the conversation.

14:36So we're not being disagreeable just for the sake of it. Mistake number two is just challenging everything. You hear this podcast and now you're like, I'm just going to point out everyone's flaws and I'm going to say all the different opposing views and play devil's advocate because that's going to make me charismatic. Of course, that's going to shoot you in the foot. And mistake number three is agreeing when you actually disagree. And this is what we're getting at is the heart of it because we see this time and time again. When you're just trying to keep the peace in hopes of increasing your charisma or being more influential, you're kicking the conflict can down the road.

15:08and when it ultimately hits, it's gonna have devastating impacts on your relationship, on your work, on your own self-worth. So recognizing that, hey, if I'm choosing and seeking likability at the detriment of who I am and my authenticity, you're actually becoming less influential and people see through that. So you're not building connection when you hide your thoughts, you're actually delaying rejection. And that's the worst part, as Johnny shared. We've had clients who have gone on second, third dates, been in relationships with people that they knew weren't a good fit, but they just kept saying yes to that thing and being agreeable because it felt good to avoid the conflict that they've had in past relationships.

15:51Influence is not built on likability. It's built on respect. And that comes from a self-respect, as Johnny was sharing, about your own truths and your own identity. And respect is earned by speaking your truth with empathy, clarity, and courage. If you want to go from being someone that people forgets to the person they quote later, actually unforgettable, you're going to want to create productive friction. That's what makes conversations unforgettable, as Harvard showed. it. AJ, I just want to go back to that word really quickly, productive friction, right? That's what it's all about. That allows you to add tension, to throw a wrench in there, but it's productive.

16:32It moves things forward. It moves the relationship forward. It moves connection forward and it moves ideas forward. And at The Art of Charm, we understand how important productive friction is. And this is, again, why in our implementation sessions, we practice this. We practice hearing your truth and getting you comfortable with projecting your truth to draw people in. Want to find out if you're being overlooked because you're too agreeable? Take our free Influence Index assessment. It reveals your hidden patterns and how to break out of them so you can build authority and connection. Go to theartofcharm.com slash influence and take the quiz now.

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