How High-Value People Hold Frame | Social Intelligence Briefing

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3:02Now here's what's going on. We may be thinking, if someone challenges me, I need to defend myself or prove myself. But at the end of this, you're gonna see why high value people don't defend or prove. They actually define the moment. The stronger frame absorbs the weaker one if you hold it. So what's going on here, Johnny? Let's talk about value. There are four value positions that we're going to discuss, which shows you where people are operating. And once you can identify the frame, it helps you hold and control the frame on your end much better. So the first one is supplicating. These are people chasing approval.

3:43Let me explain. Here's why I'm not. Their frame is my worth depends on your reaction. So they're chasing people liking them. They want to feel your approval. So they may be taking shots at you because they actually want you to approve of them. The second one is a combative frame. This is forcing dominance. So to go back to supplicative, they're chasing. Now we have combative. They're forcing, using intimidation to gain control. So they'll say things like, well, you're an idiot. Listen to me, right? Their frame is, I win by making you small. And their whole goal is to knock you down a peg. They want to fight to win that value.

4:31And that's why they're going to be taking shots at you. Next, we have competitive. This is the one upper. These people gain their value, acceptance, approval, and attention through competing. Everything around them becomes a competition. I'm sure everyone listening to this has that one friend, right? So you have something to say, hey, they've done it better, bigger and louder, right? I actually did this better. The frame is I matter if I'm ahead of you. So maybe they're taking that dig to prove that they won up to you, that they've gone on a better vacation, that they've achieved more than what you just shared.

5:15Now, what's important here is all three of those are about how to gain value for themselves. And that's the manner in which they do that. The fourth one is cooperative. This is high value. They get value by giving value, using the rule of reciprocity to their advantage. So they'll say something like, here's what I've noticed. And what do you need? This frame says we both have value, so let's create something together. Now, here's what's going on behind the scenes. You may be trying your best to act high value, but when the pressure is on, when we feel that slight, that dig, that person knocking us down, we can very easily drop into those other three, supplicative, combative, or competitive, to try to regain our footing.

6:10But the goal of today's show is to share why staying cooperative when others go low is actually the winning play. AJ, while we were talking about this the other night in our X Factor Accelerator session, I was explaining to everybody, when people hear about value positions, everyone immediately sees themselves as a high value person. And that's easy to say when you're listening to this sitting on your couch. We all would like to be the high value person in the room. But as soon as you enter the social sphere, whether it's at work or whether it's just socially, there's hierarchies that begin to form.

6:54Everyone's jockeying for the top position. So everyone's doing their best to be the most cooperative that they can be. However, then if you're at the top, people are going to challenge you. They are going to jockey for your position. This is why this becomes important because how you handle those challenges determines where you fall or stay. Let's talk about three emotional traps that you might find yourself in. The first one is the negative friend. They say stuff like must be nice or man, you've changed. But what they're really saying is your growth threatens me. The next one is the jealous coworker.

7:38We all have them. So they might say something like, you just got lucky or anyone could have done that. What they're really saying is your competence makes me insecure. Or it might be the third, the family anchor. So you think you're better than us. Remember that time when you failed at X? The translation here is your evolution is actually rewriting our own identity. And each attack has the same goal. They want to force you to justify, so supplicate or defend and get combative in the moment of that low blow. So how do we set up the cooperative defense, Johnny? You have to identify what's going on first.

8:25This is the system that we install, right? Name what you noticed. Don't argue the content. Call out the dynamic. This is straight from our deep listening and context work. You know what drains your energy faster than a bad networking event? An overpriced phone bill. The big wireless companies love taking your money. They count on you not switching. Right now, Mint Mobile is running their best deal of the year. 50 % off all unlimited plans. That's$15 a month for unlimited. $15, that's less than most people spend on coffee in a week. You get high-speed data, unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network.

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10:23or it seems like this project landing has bothered you or it feels like you're worried that I'm pulling away. We are stating the dynamic that we are noticing in that moment that they are landing the low blow. This interrupts their emotional loop. And that's why step number two is so impactful. We then ask for what they need. We want to use questions to reframe what just happened and really how or why questions are the most powerful tools here. So what are you actually worried about? What do you need from me here? Or what would make this easier for you? What we just did is we reframed that low blow and put the spotlight back on them, calling out what they were dealing with and not allowing that frame to impact us.

11:14My favorite is the moment you named the dynamic the freeze that happens for them because they're now processing emotions. It's fantastic. And now step three is to offer value or a boundary. Now, high value equals clarity plus generosity. We want to be clear in our intentions and what we're doing. And what's actually going on underneath the surface here is we're saying you matter and I matter. Here's how we move forward. So this may sound like, hey, I really want to support you. Here's what I can do. Or I hear you, but I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. We validate what they shared, but we don't allow it to impact our frame.

12:09Okay. So now we want you to have a little bit of reflection and understand the frame or value position that you have worked from when you were last challenged. So in order to begin, think about the last moment that somebody challenged you. What did you do instinctively? Did you justify with supplication? Did you attack the culprit with combativeness? Or did you begin one-upping them with competition? And what felt threatened for you? Was it your competence? Was it your status, control, or even identity? This awareness is essential for you recognizing the frame and controlling the frame in the future.

12:59You can't hold the frame until you know where it's been collapsing for you in the past. AJ, this is one of my favorite aspects of this because it gives you an opportunity to find your vulnerabilities, your weaknesses, so you can begin to strengthen those. I know for myself, there has been times where you may have challenged or asked about my processes and how I was doing things. And immediately, I felt my competence attacked. and then understanding that allowed me to know, oh, I get a little touchy around here when AJ was just trying to help scale what I've already built. Higher status than me.

13:42Talking about vacations, things we've accomplished as the business, numbers. That competition usually arrives when I'm competing for status. And just this week in our X Factor Accelerator session, we were discussing this. All of the guys had light shed on a vulnerability that they were able to identify and then start working on strengthen and everyone felt so good about it because it allowed them to escape a loop that kept running the same situation over and over for them for instance Joe typically when he gets challenged in social settings his immediate status had always taking a hit and feeling like the leader of his social group.

14:32It always bugged him out. And now he realizes, well, I am the leader of my social group. I'm the one that does all the planning. I'm the one that puts all the things together. So, of course, I'm a little bit sensitive to when that happens. And it's easy now for me to see that because I'm the leader, everyone's trying to take me out. So now that we've reflected on where these pressure points are for us in our frame, Let's talk about what you can do this week to be high value. So here's your simple assignment. Name what you noticed when the other person challenged you and then ask what they need.

15:09So this might look like a snappy coworker. You turn to them and say, you seem stressed today, what's going on? Or it might be a friend who's distant. Man, I noticed we haven't talked in a bit. What's happening for you? or it might be a family member who's very critical. Sounds like something I'm doing is bothering you. What do you need? This is the cooperative frame in action. You are restoring your power in these situations and not allowing yourself to fall into the traps that other people are setting. And you're turning the spotlight back on them for their low value behavior instead of dropping to their value.

15:52So when you stop reacting and start naming what's happening, people feel seen and you stay in control. High value people don't win arguments. They actually set the frame for everyone else. Now, if you want to install this as your default operating system, not something you remember only when you're calm, but something your nervous system runs automatically, then you're going to want to be part of our new X-Factor Accelerator 2.0. We rebuilt the entire program from the ground up. This is your high value operating system. A complete system for upgrading your presence, influence, and the way people respond to you across dating, leadership, friendships, and high stakes conversations.

16:33And for the first time ever, you're going to get asynchronous coaching, direct access to me and Johnny. No waiting, no scheduling calls, real feedback for when you need it most. If today's episode clicked for you, if you realized how much you've been letting other people set the frame, this is your moment to upgrade. Join us at unlockyourxfactor.com. X-Factor Accelerator 2.0 launches this January. Your future self is already thanking you.

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