How to Vibe With Anyone [Social Intelligence Brief]

0:00When it comes to what your family eats and drinks, you know your choices matter. you're the expert because you know what fits your life and getting it right starts with good information that's why america's beverage companies are sharing more information about our ingredients at good to know facts.org no spin no judgments just the facts straight from the experts for more than 140 beverage ingredients visit good to know facts.org

0:38Are you missing the skill that actually determines success? Most high performers don't realize they're missing what research now confirms is the number one predictor of career advancement, relationship satisfaction, and overall well-being, social intelligence. In fact, a 2022 Harvard Business Review study revealed that technical skill alone only explains 15 % of success at the executive level. The remaining 85 %? Well, that's determined by your ability to connect, influence, and build meaningful relationships. Now, you might be missing this critical skill if people often misunderstand or overlook your contributions despite their quality.

1:19You find yourself excluded from important decisions or even worse, social events. Your relationships feel consistently more difficult and frustrating than they should be. You watch less qualified but more socially adept people advance ahead of you? Or you sense that there's just this invisible barrier between you and the opportunities that you deserve? Now, here's the painful truth. Most analytical professionals were never taught about social dynamics and how they actually work. Instead, you might've received vague platitudes like just be yourself or put yourself out there more that completely ignore how your analytical mind actually processes information.

1:59Now, if you're not seeing the results that you want professionally or socially, it's not because you're inherently awkward or you're destined to be overlooked. It's just because you haven't had a systematic framework for how communication and human connection actually work. So we're excited to drop another episode weekly called Social Intelligence. We're going to share with you simple strategies that we use in everyday situations to be more socially intelligent to get ahead professionally, romantically, and socially so that you're no longer feeling invisible or left out. And Johnny, I know today's topic is actually one that we're really excited about because so often we find ourselves in these situations.

2:41And when you have the social intelligence to handle it, they become a lot more fun. Not only do they become more fun, You look forward to them, right? You have a strategy. You're excited to lay it out and get results. So I'm excited for this show because that's what we're going to be doing today. And today's episode is a situation that all of us experience all the time. You have maybe an hour, an hour and a half to vibe with somebody over dinner, over drinks, maybe a coworker or your boss at lunchtime. This is your opportunity and we're going to lay it out for you. So let's get into it, shall we?

3:24And here's the thing. This scenario is how we got ahead with the podcast. This opened the doors to meeting incredible guests for the show, business opportunities. But yes, we were just like you, feeling nervous going into these situations, vibing with a stranger, someone we looked up to, someone who we knew could get us that opportunity, who'd want to go on a second date with us, hopefully, or would want to introduce us to their friends. So how do we actually find success vibing, which I know is a popular topic online. And we want to talk about the science behind how you actually vibe with someone and why it's so important to pay attention to the right signals in these situations that take the pressure off yourself and allow the other person to really enjoy spending time with you, which is what vibing is all about, right, Johnny?

4:12Absolutely. And a lot of people, When they hear that they have this opportunity or know that they have this opportunity, the first thing that they reference to is maybe an interview. Because in that situation, you have, what, 20 minutes to win somebody over? So you want to go in there and impress them? So you have all of your skills, your full package, and then you are expecting to impress somebody in 15 or 20 minutes. And if you think about it too hard, you start planning what you're going to say. Everybody knows. Whatever you plan never happens, right? So what we're going to do is lay out strategies that are going to help you out, have some things to look forward to, but also give you the tools.

5:06So no matter what happens in this hour, 90 minutes, whatever it might be, that you win, that you come out excited for the opportunities that are going to be ahead of you. So let's go ahead and start putting this together. Well, I want to share a quick story about a client of ours, Raj, who got invited to a golf foursome. Now, he knew that in this foursome, there was an opportunity to talk a little bit about a real estate investment that he was a part of and he was putting together and he was looking for a big number. Yeah, we're talking a hundred million dollars to develop out this real estate.

5:43And he came to me and he was asking, like, what am I going to talk about? And in a foursome, you got four and a half hours to vibe. So we got a long time here that we need to vibe. Yeah. And you got to actually not talk about yourself and not talk about the opportunity, but you got to win the other person over and build trust fast. So what we're going to share today are the exact strategies that I shared with Raj that actually at the end of that golf outing, he had a follow up email saying, where do I send the check? and he actually landed$100 million investment in his development. So that's the power of vibing.

6:15We're not just talking first dates, but we're talking about how to advance your career and how to open those doors to real opportunities. Now, of course, when we talk about this, everyone asks us, well, what do I say? And immediately we focus on ourselves, which is the wrong way to go about this, right? Absolutely. So first, figure out everyone who's gonna be involved. If it's just you and a coworker, you and your boss, you on a date, that's easy. That's one person. If it's Raj, who's got three other people with him, or maybe you're going to be out with a few coworkers or your boss and some friends, do a little research.

6:53But here's what's important. You just want to get an idea of who these people are. Maybe a couple of hobbies, what their work is. But if you read into it anymore, you begin to start devising conversations in your head that probability are never going to transpire. And it's wasted effort. And it also spins you up and starts to stress you out. So the research is at a bare minimum. Just get a feel and a vibe for everybody that's going to be in that room. Maybe you get a couple talking points out of it. Maybe you don't, but at least you're getting an idea of who everybody is. So that leads to the next piece, which is AJ, you and I've had this conversation a lot.

7:42And many people will skip over this process. Like, where are you sitting people? Do you have an arrangement set up? Now, AJ, you and I have been on business meetings where we had meticulously laid out even the table settings of where everyone was going to be. just because what we were trying to do was either maximize conversation and information flow or minimize it. So whatever our goals were, that's what we were setting up. So if we wanted a free exchange of ideas, a lot of energy that we wanted a free flow of, of, of conversation and range people that way, if it was contentious and we wanted to slow things down, then we would arrange things that would do that.

8:30Now, this is counterintuitive because a lot of us think, okay, I want to vibe with this person on a first date or I want to vibe with this person while I'm out. I'm going to sit directly across from them. And I've actually done this. One of my favorite restaurants in LA is Sugarfish. And they often have these four seat tables where, yeah, you could sit directly across. But the second the person I'm meeting sits down, I sit next to them because the vibes happen when we're next to each other. When we're directly across from each other, that tension is building and it's very hard for us conversationally to be as adept and loose and having fun as it is if we're sitting side by side.

9:11And naturally we gravitate to side by side interactions with people we're most comfortable with as well. So actually how you position yourself goes a long way to creating those vibes. Yeah. If there's any tension in the room or any stressor, you're nervous. Having that person directly across from you is only going to increase that. All right. So now that we've got our arrangement all set up and we're excited about that for whatever it might be, the number one rule is we're going to put our curiosity and interest to the other players in the room, to our guests that we're trying to oppress, to the other folks that may or may not be there.

9:50We want to show curiosity because what we know is that all human beings respond to attention, approval, and acceptance. And in order to do that, they got to get the attention. The spotlight needs to be on them. So we are going to show curiosity for the folks that are coming out. And we're going to do this by using open-ended questions. And open-ended questions, what makes them interesting is that if you don't use them regularly, they come out clunky. They feel weird. It's not going to be smooth. And it can seem contrived or forced. So in our social intelligence classes, this is what we're running.

10:39We are practicing open-ended questions. We're using them with storytelling and interacting with each member. And all the members are learning these tools at the same time. So it's all new to them. It's all exciting. And we're using these freely in conversation to get you used to using them, getting them smooth and getting them so they're a part of your conversational repertoire that just comes out easily. So somebody mentions their job. You might say, how did you end up in that career? So now we have, they're going to be talking about all the steps that led up to how they ended up there. This is shining the flashlight on them.

11:26The next piece to this is getting open-ended questions that land them to talk about how they are feeling about what's going on. So if my first question is, how did you end up in that field? They're going to go talking. I went to school. I met this guy. And the next thing I knew, I had this interview and here I was. And 13 years later, I'm still here. Wow. How is it must feel amazing to be in a place where you are to be able to accommodate and help out so many people? Is there anything? Do you think about that in that manner? You know what, Johnny? Absolutely. I do. And I'm so happy to be able to get to do what I'm doing.

12:09Now, if you're listening to this, you will see that the conversation has now picked up because this person who has the attention gets to talk about not only the steps, that it had taken to fill the shoes that he's in right now, but the emotions that are behind it. He's getting super excited. And here's the best part. Everybody at that table who is engaging in this conversation are now in what is called a shared emotional state. We are going on the emotional ride with that person. This is how rapport gets built. As we share in an emotional state, right? We're sharing an experience. Those emotions that are now coming over the drinks or dinner that we might be having, this is all of us are feeling it.

13:07So this is us connecting. and this makes it incredibly fun. Now, this is an important point. I want to stress this because when we think vibing, we hear vibing, a lot of our clients come to us saying, well, it's just fine, the similarities. I like golf, you like golf. Oh, I got through a journey in my career. You got through a journey in your career. No, we're actually vibing off of the shared emotions. That is a level beyond similarities. And if you've ever been on a first date where you shared a bunch of similarities and then they responded, I'm just not feeling it, it's because you didn't share the emotional state.

13:44So it's such an important nuance key that I really want to focus on because when we talk about curiosity, a lot of us think, okay, I just got to find those things in overlap. We like the same music. We like the same food. Oh, we went to the same university. Oh, we're from the same hometown. And actually you could have all those similarities and still not vibe with someone. 100%. So now that we got the open-ended questions going, What questions are great? How questions are great? Try to avoid why questions, because when you ask people why they chose what they chose, if there's any contention in between you, they could feel that they need to defend their answers and their choices.

14:25So that's the only caveat there. Now, as we get forward, if you have any social anxiety, say that you're having dinner with your boss or lunch with your boss and you're nervous or you're out with somebody who makes you nervous, it is easy to get stuck in what we call the question train. Because we now know that all of our attention needs to be put on the other person, give them the spotlight, make them feel good. However, too many questions in a row without you contributing puts all the pressure on the other person to fill up that space, to entertain you. And after a while, they could feel exhausted.

15:06So we want to make sure that we are contributing to that conversation as well. And we've always used the question, answer, statement formula in order to break the question train. And this allows us to ask a few open-ended questions, get all the information that we need. But then when they answer for us to contribute with a shared emotional answer that relates to whatever they said, so we're adding to the emotional state that we're all sharing in the present moment. And that's what makes that a lot of fun. And now, as you are leading this meeting, you have the ability to raise and lower the emotional state that is going on, depending on what goals you have for this meeting.

15:59Now, you might be thinking, what do I say? What do I talk about myself? Because in a lot of situations where we want to vibe, of course, we want to put our best foot forward. We want to make a great impression. We want the other person to come away thinking highly of us. So when we talk about ourselves, so many of us talk about who we are now, the destination, where we are right this minute. But actually, if you want to vibe with someone, share your journey. Share how you got to that part of your career. What brought you to LA? What got you into rock and roll music? How you picked up golf from an uncle at the age of four?

16:37The journey is what's gonna actually create the vibes, not the destination. So it's not about your credentials. It's not about who you are right now or your resume immediately. It's about the journey getting there. So as you heard from Johnny's examples with the open-ended questions, we're eliciting the other person's journey. Yes, we are. We're trying to hear a bit more through curiosity about their journey. We're looking for the shared emotions. What are the emotions that they're sharing that we can join in on? And then how can we illuminate our journey to the other person? If both of us leave that meeting, leave that date, leave that golf outing, understanding the other person's journey, we were vibing.

17:18Now, part of your journey is going to be what you're passionate about, right? Passions lead to us taking action. They lead to us taking steps and movement in our life. So naturally, we're going to want to start to showcase those things that we are passionate about. And if you're listening to this and you're early on in your career, you're early on in your life and you're like, man, I don't really know what I'm passionate about. Or maybe you're ashamed of some of those passions. I actually encourage you to share them anyways, because the passion creates the emotion. It creates that shared emotional state that's going to resonate, that's going to make you memorable well after that meeting.

17:54So we have clients who are passionate about video games. We have clients who are passionate about illustration and animation. We have clients who are passionate about AI. And you would be surprised how even those things that you might label as nerdy or uninteresting can actually create the vibes because not only are you talking about it, but you're talking about it with passion behind it that the other person is going to remember. Emotions are universal. So we want to take advantage of that. The other piece of what you're going to be discussing is life lessons, because life lessons allows you to brag about your abilities, but also shows the grit and determination it took for you to acquire those abilities.

18:43So life lessons are great. And then when it comes to your passions, take some time, write out some reasons how you got into those passions and what do those passions mean into your life. So when you discuss them, the emotion comes through. And the last message you want to be able to get through is if things are going well, if everyone's feeling, everyone's having a good time, then you are open to then discuss your mission. What is the thing that gets you up every day that you are fighting with now in order to achieve? This is going to open the door for everyone at that table to come in and help you achieve your goals.

19:34and they also have learned through where you're from, your passions, life lessons, and the skills that you acquired and the determination it took to get there. It's going to show how important your mission is to you and everyone in that table is going to want to be a part of your story. So that's how we knock that out. Now let's debug a couple things for our super analytical listeners, Johnny. What happens when there's too many people? Listen, sometimes the numbers are not in your favor and that is going to decrease time that you have on the person that you are looking to vibe with. If that's the case, you're going to have to do it in piecemeal.

20:19You get what you can get. You get the moments that you get and you work from there. But don't let all the people and the attendants demoralize you or keep you from working towards your goal. It's just a small hindrance that you're going to have to work around. And then lastly, if the person that you're trying to vibe with, if they're reserved, if they're moving a little bit cautiously, these things happen. Maybe they're trying to fill you out. But the first thing is don't get caught up in your head. trying to figure it out. Move straight to action. And the action is perhaps you need to open up a little bit first.

21:03You need to show a couple cards. Maybe you need to show where you're from first and then sit back. See who takes the reins after you have opened up and showed everybody that it is safe to go. If you open up first, that will usually dislodge any pretenses or reservations that others might have. So sometimes you have to be the leader in that situation. Now, what we just shared is how to vibe in high-stakes situations. The best way to become successful in high-stakes situations is to practice in low-stakes situations, which is why we created the social intelligence program with implementation sessions for you to practice these skills of vibing that we just shared with you.

21:53So if you're looking to go a level deeper and very quickly improve your social intelligence and want one-on-one support from me and Johnny and our team, then check out the Art of Charm social intelligence program at theartofcharm.com slash intel. Quick application gets you on board and we're excited to be sharing our social intelligence with you every single Thursday from here on out. Have a good one. Thank you, guys.

22:29Next up is a little song from CarMax about selling a car your way. You want to sell those wheels. You want to get a CarMax instant offer. So fast. Wanna take a sec to think about it Or like a month? Wanna keep tabs on that instant offer With OfferWatch Wanna have CarMax pick it up from your driveway You wanna get it done to it You wanna do it all So, wanna drive? CarMax. Pickup not available everywhere. Restrictions and fee may apply.