How to Win Without Burning Out | Steve Magness

31:00For the greats, it's like, okay, I won. Great. Like, what are the things that I need to do? What does my day-to-day look like? What are the, you know, what are the next steps in this journey? And I think that, again, it sounds trite. It sounds like, okay, you know, does that really work? But it's literally what the best of the best are doing.

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33:41But we remember them as greats for those victories, for those moments of glory. And then we ascribe looking back in the past, oh, they never missed. They always won. They always had the process dialed in. And that's just not the case. I mean, you look at the greats, they're changing coaches. They're bringing in new people. They're working on their mechanics. Every single one of them over the longevity of their career are looking for the edge through the process, not through the outcome. So how can we bring that to us who aren't athletes, who are just mere mortals, who aren't training for the Olympics or aren't training for the Super Bowl, but want to live a great, fulfilling life?

34:18The first step to navigating that is to not see it as like this be all end all thing where you take it personally and say, oh, I, you know, I got let go of the job, therefore I am a failure. What happens is we internalize it often. We see it as a personal character trait instead of, I think the thing to learn from many of these greats is they don't see it as a character trait. They see it as something that occurred that now they can learn from and improve upon and figure out. In fact, this past weekend, I was sitting at a conference on a panel with a couple of the best athletes on the planet. And one of them put it to me like this, a former WNBA star who now is in the executive for the Boston Celtics.

35:16She said essentially that it's the story we tell ourselves in our head. That's the most important story or narrative we could have, but so few of us tend to think about it. And her point was this, is that for her and so many of the athletes she's worked with, is that when failure hits, the story isn't, I suck. the story is, okay, this occurred. Where do I go now? How do I navigate this? How do I learn from and grow from? How do I fix this? And I think if you're sitting at home, I think changing that story in your head of how you handle setbacks and failure is step one to allowing you to live a better and more successful life.

36:10With our clients, we focus on this concept of self-authoring and how important it is to take the pen and write the story versus let other people write the story for you. And sometimes it's our family writing the story. Sometimes it's our coworkers and their feedback. It's an ex-partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever that's written that part of the story. And we've held on to that narrative, but we all have the power to grab the pen and write our own story. And once you recognize that, it unlocks so many of these other things that lower the uncertainty, that find the core values, that allow you to find the greater than you mission that's so important to that B.

36:51But for those of us who haven't really wrestled with what our story is, or even recognize that we can control or write the story, what is that advice to take the first step to really wrestle with the B part of you, the clarity around who you are? Yeah, I mean, I think step one is setting yourself apart some time to do just that. Think about who you are and not just think about it, but like, look at exploring interesting things in your life that make you feel, you know, alive or connected to, you know, your innermost being, essentially. Sounds kind of meta, but what you're trying to do is use doing things to understand, okay, this is what I care about.

37:38This makes me feel alive. this makes me feel energized. And what you're trying to do there is, again, get at the core of what's important. And then I think from the story side is you've got to be able to zoom out and create some perspectives so that you can see the different stories that you can tell about yourself. So one of the exercises I like to have clients or people do is ask them, You know, hey, here's this thing that happened to you. How would your mom tell this story about you? How would your friend tell this story about you? How would a stranger who just saw this tell the story? And the idea is probably what happens is they start to see different perspectives and you start to see like, hey, these facts happened, but how I piece them together is up to my, to a degree, my own interpretation.

38:37and then I also love to bring research into this where it shows that, I think it's Dan McAdams who has done a lot of research on this that shows that basically we can tell our story in a number of different ways but the key constructs are this. Does our story have agency? Meaning you feel like you have control. You're not feeling like, oh, this is just happening to me and I'm along for the ride. No, you have input. Okay, so agency. Is there some sort of companionship, meaning there's other people in your life who you're bringing along on these journeys with? And then C is does it have growth themes, which basically means this.

39:19Is there some sort of lesson or thing that you carry forward on going through either their successes or failures? And what research tells us, if we have those three things, we tend to have a higher level of well-being, even if some bad stuff happens to us. When you're writing this out, when you're choosing the words that you are going to use to describe your experiences and your story, then you're discounting other things. and for a lot of folks, and we see this all the time because I'll ask them, how is your story going? Well, you know, I sat down, but I just didn't really, I didn't really know what to write and I got confused because you don't want to stand for anything.

40:11You're not willing to discount other things for something for yourself. And when you have to choose the words to describe that, You're choosing. We used to see it all the time when people would give us Tinder profiles back in the day when we were doing a lot of dating help, which was who they're looking for was, oh, you know, if you're cool and chill and you like to do cool stuff, then we're going to get along just fine. And it's like, what you told that person is that anybody will do and that you're not picky because of that. You're doing yourself a disservice. The words we choose matter and the getting into the details matters a lot.

41:03And here I like to go to my wife is elementary school teacher. And she always tells me that, you know, when a kid throws a tantrum in the classroom, you ask them, well, why are you throwing a tantrum? And it's often like, you know, something very generic, like I'm sad, right? And what you realize is that, you know, five-year-old or six-year-old hasn't explored the vocabulary enough to understand their inner world, right? Everything just is like this blah feeling of like sadness or happiness. And when you can't assign a label to it, there's nothing much you can do about it, right? It's like sadness.

41:46What in the world does that mean? But if they learn to say like, yeah, I'm frustrated because I didn't get picked at kickball, right? Then it's like, oh, there's some action we can have behind this, right? You want to get better at kickball? Why don't you play it more often or whatever it is, you know? And there's something behind it to solve that. And I think that's also true about the stories that we tell ourselves is often we use very generic, you know, non-specific language and say, yeah, I just, I just want to find a cool person. What in the world does that mean? You know, or I'm a nice guy.

42:25What in the world does that mean? What you have to do is, you know, move from the stories that AJ and I probably read to our, or will read to our, you know, young babies, C-Spot Run to, you know, Game of Thrones or whatever, you know, Mark Twain. We need some better descriptions there and some more complexity because that's going to allow us to have more clarity on both who we are and I also think like where we want to go. I tend to think that's the technology that we have has influenced that because we have all these opportunities and all these paths in front of us and it's very exciting and it's a lot of fun.

43:09But that's not helpful. You have too many choices, too many paths. Even when we do marketing, you can't just leave the decision up to the other person. You have to guide them who become interested in a few choices that are going to help them. Because leaving it open, that becomes decision fatigue, and it's just not going to get done. It's information overload. I mean, here's the deal is, again, we talked about our society moving to anonymous society on steroids. We also have a brain that is meant to process, you know, a decent amount of information, but now we're inundated with it by so much. And we know this affects us.

43:53So, for instance, one of my most fascinating pieces is the impact of like social media and news everywhere. and what it has done is it has shifted our perception of how the world works. We now think, again, coming back to the danger, you look at surveys and data from psychological research, we think that the world is much more dangerous than it is. For instance, if you talk to people in my generation, I was born in the 80s, they'll say the world is much more dangerous than it was when we were growing up. But if you look at nearly all the data on murders, violence, it's much safer of a world, at least in the US.

44:33And the reason we have that perception is because of information overload. We're inundated with information telling us often from news, social media, that the world is scary and that someone got kidnapped or abducted or what have you. And our brain is used to processing that locally. So it assumes, oh, I saw someone got killed. That must mean that happened down the street when it really happened in Alaska somewhere. Right. And I think the same thing is true when we look at, you know, the things that we want to do, the career paths we want to go down, the people we want to date. And it's the tender effect.

45:14When we have too many options, it puts us in this information overload and our brain goes like, holy crap, like, I don't know which way to go. I don't know who to choose. Or it shifts our expectations so wildly that now we're never going to take action because our expectations are misaligned with reality. And you often see this with dating because, again, half a century ago, your choice was, I don't know, the hundred people who were your age who live somewhat nearby. So you said, okay, I'm going to pick the best option here, but now when I can search millions, what have you, that's no longer good enough.

46:01So we don't settle down. We don't find someone who we're going to connect with because we always think there's something better out there. Or we have decision fatigue where we just say, hey, I can't even come to choose. That exploration, commitment, duality, I think also is overridden by the screen. And so much of what Johnny and I talk about with our clients is moving beyond consumption into creation. So it's awesome that you may have found us by consuming our creation, the podcast and the content that we put online, but so much of your life will be emboldened and fulfilled by acting out on the creation, not just the consumption.

46:44And right now we're in a situation where most of our exploration is through the consumption of other people's exploration. Whether it's the clip of the person jumping off the bridge or it's the clip of the cats throwing their yarn, whatever it is, the clip is the exploration, but it's from your couch. It's not going out and doing anything. And then of course, without that, we can't even get to the point of commitment where we're actually like, okay, I've explored enough. Like now I'm ready to commit to the relationship, commit to the career, commit to the hobby, commit to the passion. When you're creating, you come back to a place of picking and choosing.

47:24What do I want to create? What are the influences that I'm going to use? You're picking and choosing. By picking certain things, you're leaving other things out. So if you can do it over there, well, then it won't be a matter. It will only be a matter of time before you can do it for yourself. Because your branding depends on that. You can say exploration or commitment. You can also say like living an active or passive life. Because so much of our life right now is passive consumption, right? Where we are taking it in and we're just like the dude on WALL-E that's just like watching the screens and going for a ride.

48:07And I guess kind of living, but not really. And I get it. Like we're all consumers of this stuff. You can't escape it. But what I would say here is step one is realizing how are you using these things? How are you using social media? Are you using it towards an active thing or are you just passively consuming it? So there's a positive out there. So if you're listening to this, what you're doing is you're listening to, you know, AJ and John's like active thing because they produced this. They researched it. They got prepared for it. It took work. And it's great that you're consuming this. But the takeaway is not, hey, I'm just going to listen to this to kill an hour.

48:54It is what piece of information am I going to take from this conversation and then actively apply it to our life? and that should be the goal of social media or listening to podcasts or whatever you're consuming unless it's just recreational, right? Watching a TV show or what have you. But it's what am I taking forward? I don't want to just mindlessly scroll. I want to use whatever information I have to turn it into something. And I think what we need nowadays, and you see this, is that we need to commit and block off time that is just for actively doing, creating, building, whatever it is in your pursuit, whatever it entails, and blocking off that time so that you can make it as easy on yourself to get going.

49:50So one of the things as a writer, I know I'm going to have all these distractions. So what do I do? I throw the phone in the other room and turn off the Wi-Fi when it is time to create, when it is time to sit down and write because I need to prioritize that time. If you're an athlete, here's the natural comparison. If you're an athlete, you don't see Tom Brady go out to the practice field with his phone in his pocket. What is he doing? He's saying, no, I'm dedicating these hours to getting better at the craft. this is what I have to do. And the last piece, part three, sometimes it means belonging to groups that are also doing the deep work and you could do it alongside of them, whether it's joining the run club or joining the band or starting a podcast with a friend, like find the community that reinforces the beliefs that you want to live your life around.

50:49And I know as new parents, we're thinking very clearly around, well, who do we want to expose our kids to and what are their parenting perspectives? And do I want to let all of their sleep training guidelines or diaper change guidelines into my view? You know, we're guarding it much more because we realize that the universe that we're cultivating with a family is so important. But so many of us, as we're going through this internal game work and trying to figure out who we are, we don't think then around the belong piece of, well, who are we letting in to reinforce these beliefs and are they authoring or are they taking the victim mindset?

51:25Are they creating or are they just consuming and reinforcing consumption? So how are you viewing the belong piece now on your own personal journey? Again, the old adage that you become the people you surround yourself with is largely true because there's data on this. There's a large study that looked at behaviors of friend groups. And I forget the exact data, but it was something like if your friend group started smoking, you were several times more likely to start smoking yourself. Same thing if your friend group started, you know, to gain weight and get obese, you were more likely to get obese, you know, several years later.

52:12Because what happens is like We know this from psychology research. Our emotions and behaviors are contagious. They catch on. And in sport, we can see this. There's data that shows that if you have a coach who is the kind of guy or gal who loses their mind on the sidelines and just like yells and screams at you, at the players, those players are more likely to feel and experience more stress. and distressed and lose their temper. And in sports like basketball, suffer more technical fouls from losing their temper because that behavior from the coach, someone that they look up to probably or at least are around a lot, is contagious.

53:02Even if they think, oh, I'm never going to be like that. It comes on to them. So I think the point is, when you're looking around, is who you surround yourself matters a whole heck of a lot. So be mindful of like, what are these people's values? What are their beliefs? What are their, you know, behaviors? Do I want to, do I want to be a creator or not? Do I want to people be a person who blames, you know, the world or takes a victim mindset whenever something bad happens? Or do I want to be the resilient person who says like, yeah, this sucked, but let's get back on the horse and figure it out.

53:40that internal guidance system is going to be very helpful there. If you don't have that, well, then you're just going to, you're blowing in the wind, whatever your friends are going to do, because you don't want to be left out. If you have an internal guidance system, you might say, these behaviors are not becoming of who I want to be. And so therefore I'm going to have to change this friend group. What's been so interesting about the belonging piece for me with the rise of the internet and our group coaching program, the X Factor Accelerator is how quickly those beliefs and behaviors can be shared, even if we're not in person together.

54:21So, you know, we've had members of our X Factor Accelerator start creating short form videos because they're seeing others in this group that's meeting weekly do things that they value. And you really don't have to look at it like, oh, well, I'm stuck in this environment. I'm stuck with this friend group. I'm stuck on this block. I'm stuck at this workplace. You now we've railed against technology in the negative. You can use it to the positive, to let the right beliefs in, to let the right online social groups in, to develop the parts of you that really matter to you, that aliven you, that allow you to start to thrive, to move from that survival into that thriving.

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56:31Now you can find like-minded people to do so. So, you know, we railed on the internet, as you said, but I think this is one of those pieces where it's like, if you can find a tribe that makes you better, that pushes you, that holds you accountable, like that's what it's all about. In those communities, I would say now more than ever are important because they ground us, they help us stay centered, and they push us to kind of come closer to our potential of what we maybe can do. Coming full circle, I love at the start of this, you shared that writing this book was actually a book you needed for yourself.

57:11In the research and everything that went into writing this book, is there one thing that you're personally taking away that was an aha or really enlightening moment for you completing the book? and now putting it out into the universe? You know, we've talked a lot about belonging and I think that really was it. I knew that it mattered, right? We all know we need to belong. But similar to you, AJ, is like we have two kids under two and you start having those kids and you're like, holy crap. Like these are the, who do I want influencing my child? You know, what beliefs and value systems do I want?

57:49What, not even that, What role models do I want? Because those shape how our kids are going to see the world. We can only be what we can see. So we're providing, the people around them are providing the models, the paths, the journeys that they can potentially go on. So I think that was the eye-opening spot for me is like, not only surround myself with friends and family who support and like, you know, help me be a better me, but also in my kids' life is like, how do I make sure that they have role models and avenues where they, that aren't constricting them, that aren't saying like, hey, you can only do this, but show them that like, you know, they put the work into it.

58:38if they do things right, like there's all sorts of possibilities out there. And I think in a interconnected world where AI and all this crazy stuff is happening, that's the kind of mindset you need. Yeah. It's so amazing when you actually look at the impact that you have as parents, but then also how much time is going to be spent without you. So, you know, we're in these moments now with newborns and young kids where we are their world, but ultimately who we bring into that world is going to influence them because the time they spend with us is fleeting and they're going to go on their own journey.

59:12So that belonging piece, I love looking at it like, well, how would you treat yourself as a kid? So maybe you don't have kids, you're listening to this and you're not a new parent. If you were a kid, who would you want to be surrounding yourself with to influence those beliefs, those values, those goals in your life? And if you look around at your peer group currently, are those people there? Is that who you would want for your child to be around or are they not? And maybe do we need to choose a different community or find a different group for that belonging piece that helps us wrestle with the inner game?

59:44And here's an aha moment I had real quick on this. As I said, I used to, I got my start coaching college athletes, 18 to 22 year olds. And one of the parents I talked to put this very succinctly to me once. He said, you know, you know, what happens is at some point early on, your kids all listen to you. They look up to you. They say, hey, dad and mom, they're great. I'm going to follow everything. But at some point, that kid is going to go through a phase where they're struggling and they're going to go talk to another adult. And that parent said, you know who that adult often is? It's that coach.

1:00:24It's that teacher. It's that friend's parent who they get along with who they're going to go have for advice. Who do you want that person to be? And that like put it really succinct is like, oh, okay. Like, you know, the people who we surround ourselves like this at some point is going to be who my kid goes to when he stops talking to me or listening to me on things. Like, you know, they're going to go to this other person, this other person. I want them to give great advice and be able to talk to them. And I think, you know, whether you have kids or not, like this is so true of everything because we all need other people who we're going to go to in those times.

1:01:03And it's not always going to be like the direct connection. It's those that we surround ourselves with. So really paying attention to that and making sure you have good people in your life, I think, is the essence of living a good life. Thank you so much for joining us again. Where can our audience find out about your latest project in this book? Yeah, you can check out Win the Inside Game wherever books are sold, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, wherever you want it. And all my stuff is at Steve Magnus on basically every social media. Thank you again.

1:01:42And now comes the part of the show where we showcase one of our X-Factor Accelerator members. Take it away, Tammy. Hey, everybody. This is Tammy. And as a retail business owner, the old saying, you know, it's lonely at the top. It's true. I joined X Factor because I wanted to be in a group of people who were kind of on the same level that I was, who were trying to live their best lives. And it has been an amazing community to be a part of. I am an X factor with people who are really trying to create their best future and their best lives. And I highly recommend the program to anybody who's thinking about it.

1:02:21I don't think that you'll ever regret it. To invest in yourself is the best investment you can make. Thank you, Tammy. It was a pleasure working with you too, and good luck to you and your future endeavors. If you've gotten value out of this or any of our podcasts, head on over to your favorite podcast player and rate and review the show it means the world to us and it helps others find the show all right before we head out a huge thank you to our producers michael harold and eric montgomery until next week go out there and make it epic yeah i remember you you were the bad boy you threw your love away Like you're a sister toy And you sold the world You're a song of a tragedy Cause you had your taste All black on the yesterday Yeah, but I remember you Oh yeah, I remember you In my life In my life In my life In my life Next up is a little song from CarMax about selling a car your way.

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