Managing Up: 10 Conversations with Your Manager | Melody Wilding

24 Feb 2025 · 1 h 5 min

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The Art of Charm - Managing Up: 10 Conversations with Your Manager | Melody Wilding

Episode Overview In this episode, hosts Johnny and AJ interview Melody Wilding, an executive coach and author of *Managing Up: How to Get What You Need From the People in Charge*. They discuss strategies for navigating workplace dynamics, improving communication with managers, and enhancing career development.

Key Themes and Takeaways

Introduction – Overcoming Difficult Conversations

  • Importance of having tough discussions with your boss.
  • Techniques for effectively planting ideas for promotions and projects.

Signs You Need Help to Improve (Timestamp

00:10:31)

  • Recognizing the need to communicate goals and ambitions effectively.
  • Aligning personal goals with your manager’s objectives for better support.

Implementing Feedback to Exceed Expectations (Timestamp: 00:22:40)

  • Prioritizing and acting on feedback to demonstrate commitment to personal growth.
  • The risks of overhelping coworkers and how it can diminish visibility.

Setting Work Boundaries and Saying No (Timestamp: 00:29:33)

  • Strategies for establishing boundaries without jeopardizing relationships.
  • Techniques for tactfully declining additional tasks.

Avoiding Single Points of Failure (Timestamp: 00:39:15)

  • Importance of securing support from multiple leaders in case of management changes.
  • Building relationships beyond immediate supervisors.

Raising Visibility and Promotability (Timestamp: 00:47:45)

  • Methods to increase visibility for promotions and opportunities.
  • Tips for leaving a position on good terms to maintain professional relationships.

Notable Quotes and Ideas

  • Managing Up Rebranding: The term 'managing up' often carries negative connotations, but it should be reframed as navigating relationships with those in power.
  • Trust and Rapport: These are built over time and require ongoing communication and engagement.
  • Proactivity is Key: Don’t wait for formal feedback cycles; be proactive in seeking guidance and aligning your goals with management’s objectives.

Practical Strategies Discussed

  • Feedback and Alignment: Regularly solicit feedback to ensure your work aligns with management’s expectations. Use questions to clarify priorities.
  • Visibility Techniques: Prepare updates highlighting your contributions to present in one-on-ones. This increases your manager’s ability to advocate for you.
  • Boundaries and Trade-offs: Use a trade-off approach when declining requests, framing it in terms of priorities and the impact on existing responsibilities.

Action Steps

  • Develop a clear understanding of your manager's priorities and communication style.
  • Create a one-pager summarizing your accomplishments and the impact of your work to share during performance reviews.
  • Approach your manager about the potential for skip-level meetings to enhance your visibility within the organization.

Resources

  • Melody Wilding’s Website: [Managing Up](https://www.melodywilding.com)
  • Book: *Managing Up: How to Get What You Need From the People in Charge*.
  • LinkedIn: Connect with Melody for more insights and updates.

Conclusion This episode emphasizes the importance of proactive communication and strategic relationship-building in professional environments. By understanding the dynamics of ‘managing up’ and applying the discussed strategies, listeners can enhance their career trajectories and achieve their goals more effectively.

Sponsors

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  • Quince: Affordable luxury essentials.
  • Shopify: Start your business with ease.

---

For more episodes and resources, check out [The Art of Charm](https://theartofcharm.com). ```

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Transcript

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0:00This episode is brought to you by Indeed. When your computer breaks, you don't wait for it to magically start working again. You fix the problem. So why wait to hire the people your company desperately needs? Use Indeed's sponsored jobs to hire top talent fast. And even better, you only pay for results. There's no need to wait. Speed up your hiring with a$75 sponsored job credit at Indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Your manager is always thinking about, okay, you've done these certain tasks. What does that mean in the bigger picture? What do I go and tell my manager about that?

0:39It also helps with your visibility because you're not just saying, all right, I did X, Y, and Z. You're saying, here's why it matters. Here's the impact or the contribution that made, which can show your thinking and operating at a higher, more strategic level. It starts to set you up for things like advancement.

1:05All right, let's kick off today's show. Today, we're talking with Melody Wilding, an executive and leadership coach, about how to manage up and accelerate your career. Melody has recently been named one of Business Insider's Most Innovative Coaches. She's helped CEOs, leaders, and top performers at the world's most successful companies get ahead. And she's here with us today to discuss her new book, Managing Up, how to get what you need from the people in charge. Learn how an enthusiasm gap kills career opportunities instantly. Discover the five worthwhile problems that get you noticed by leadership.

1:38Learn the trade-off approach to say no without damaging relationships. And master the commander-style framework for managing difficult bosses. Welcome to the show, Melody. Great to have you. Thanks so much for having me here. Johnny and I are such huge fans of Conversations. So we love that the book is laid out in 10 conversations. It made it really easy for us to go through and we find ourselves coaching a lot of our clients on these exact conversations around accelerating their career. What was the impetus for writing the book and structuring it in a way around these 10 conversations? Well, my first book, Trust Yourself, came out in 2021.

2:14And something I kept hearing repeatedly after that came out was, OK, I trust myself now, but my confidence breaks down when I have to deal with people that are of higher authority than me that I find intimidating. And so when power dynamics seem to come into play, that's where people seemed to break down to not know how to articulate or get buy-in. And it occurred to me that what so many people were coming to me for was trouble with overthinking or people-pleasing, not knowing how to speak up in meetings. And all of that really boils down to this skill set of being able to manage up, which is completely learnable.

2:57The idea for the 10 conversations in particular came in because when you're told to manage up or influence in the workplace, you usually just get one-liners, like, you know, come with solutions, not problems, or be proactive. And that really doesn't give you a roadmap of how to approach this. And those one-liners only go so far when the rubber hits the road and things get complicated and messy. And so that's where the 10 conversations came from was to give people a more methodical way to master this skill set. I think it's important to note that these conversations are ongoing as well. So it would be great if we could just have the conversation once and we're done, check the box and move on.

3:43But many of these conversations, as we work through them, You know, they're ongoing with your manager, your boss's boss, with leadership to make sure that we're not making assumptions, we're not hearing things incorrectly. And it's always shifting and changing in this environment, especially as things have accelerated with technology. That's right. And that's why the terminology conversation, right? This isn't just you don't just convince your boss to go with an idea one time, right? This is an ongoing part of your work. Trust is built over time. Rapport is built over time. And as you said, now things are changing faster than ever.

4:19So you may have a project come up next month where all of a sudden you're working with a different sponsor or an executive. And beyond your boss, you have to manage up to them and get their, build a relationship with them as well. And I also want to note that it's important not to wait for your boss or your boss's boss or leadership to initiate these conversations. So we work with a lot of clients who start coaching after that critical moment of feedback where they waited for the review. Either they got passed over for the promotion, they didn't hear what they wanted to hear, or there's a skill gap around their soft skills communication that there's no training internally for.

4:57So they turn to us and say, hey, I want coaching on this area. And it's funny to me that we just wait for that conversation. And of course, this happens yearly. So you're waiting and your career is stalling because you're waiting. You don't have the confidence to have these conversations. So how do we get over that initial hurdle of having the confidence to start these tough conversations? I think a mindset shift is needed here because managing up is in desperate need of a rebrand. We tend to think of it like I know when I first thought about managing up and even thinking about writing a book on this topic, I was really resistant to the term at first.

5:32I wanted to talk about influence and persuasion in the workplace. and my publisher really had to nudge me to say, managing up, managing up. And it's because it has a negative connotation associated with it. Like I think of kind of like Wolf of Wall Street, the person who's like ingratiating themselves to the leader and who wants to do that? And so we need to realize that managing up is about navigating your relationships with people that have more positional power than you. Primarily your boss, but that includes other people as well. And this is something you do for your own benefit, to make your own work life easier, less stressful, to create the conditions for your success.

6:16This isn't something you necessarily do for your leader's benefit. Because at the end of the day, you can't change. You can't change your manager. I wish you could. But you can learn to work with imperfect people more successfully. And so I think that's really important to wrap your head around the importance of doing this in the first place. And I love what you said about don't wait till that formal conversation. Do not fall into the performance review paradox of keeping your head down, thinking that your good work is going to speak for itself because it won't, especially when everybody's really busy.

6:55And if you wait until that point, all of the decisions have been made. The money has been allocated. People have been assigned to the projects. And so that's where that disconnect comes in. You need to be planting seeds three, six months in advance to be able to approach your manager and say, hey, you know, by the end of the year, I would like to grow my team from two to four people, or I would like a promotion from director to VP. What do you need to see to feel comfortable granting that or for me to get there? So you have something to work against. And during that time, you can unearth what some of their objections may be.

7:34Maybe you're not ready yet. Maybe someone else needs to be bought in or there's a panel or a committee you need to make a case to. But these things don't happen overnight. And when you bring them up earlier, your manager is going to be more receptive to them. And you position yourself more as a trusted advisor or a partner rather than just a subordinate who's reacting, who's just taking orders. And with that, you share a mindset that your manager is your number one customer and recognizing the importance of this. Because again, what you were saying earlier, we tend to put them on a pedestal and then that colors all of our communication.

8:13If we actually look at them as a customer, we would treat them a lot differently than if we're saying, oh, this person has all this experience. I have to wait for them to say something about this. I have to wait for them to bring up the promotion. I have to wait for them to share the project with me. And unfortunately for a lot of our audience members and clients, they find these moments of being outspoken to be against their nature. So braggadocious. I don't like those people who are egotistical or stealing credit for themselves. And that internal conflict that's happening keeps them from these conversations.

8:45And then as we know, there's nothing more frustrating than for you to finally bring it up to your boss. Your boss is like, I had no idea we already hired someone else or I didn't know you wanted that. So we gave that project to someone else. When internally you think you've been doing all the work and all the visibility things you need to get that opportunity when they haven't paying attention because they didn't know. It's so true, right? Don't let your boss be surprised, I think is a good mantra to live by there. And I hear that all the time that this managing up stuff is great. I'm not extroverted, right?

9:18I can't command a room. Therefore, this is something I can't do. And this is another one of those sort of unlearning moments. It's exactly the opposite, that if you are someone who is more maybe sensitive, perceptive, thoughtful, if you have high emotional intelligence, then you are going to be a superstar at this because that's exactly what's needed to manage up well. You need to be aware of other people's behavior, the subtleties, the nuances in somebody's body language or their response or, you know, how their tone changes in a meeting or being able to read between the lines about how they frame messages so that you can mirror that when you propose an idea.

10:03And so what I see is that the people that do have a lot of that showboating and bravado on the outside, they may seem like they're getting ahead. But I think both you and I know that behind closed doors, when we talk to leaders and executives, those people just flame out spectacularly. Eventually, people start to see through that they may be a lot of talk, but not as much substance. And so what's needed now is people that do provide value, that do understand the nuance, that aren't just adding to the noise. For the highly sensitive and conscientious professionals that your book is directed to, and highly analytical as certainly a lot of the folks that listen to the show, What are some of the unique challenges or symptoms that they should be able to identify to recognize, I need help in this area?

11:00Number one is taking other people's responses personally. Right? That is classic. You know, a sensitive person is so aware of other people's behavior that it seems like every slight or someone using a period instead of an exclamation point, they hate me. I'm getting fired. Right. Our minds are sometimes so analytical and reading so deeply into situations that we create meaning that may not actually be there. And there's a chapter in the book called The Styles Conversation. And this is extremely important for that, because when you can decode the communication style, the preferences of your leader, of the people you work with, then you can put their behavior, their responses into context.

11:51context you know that if you have a manager who in the book i call this the commander style tends to be a more dominant fast results oriented type communicator well you know that if you lead with context if you lead with a lot of background here's how we got there here's who's involved and who's on board and not and on and on that person's going to get really easily frustrated by that. And you may feel cut off, right? You may feel not heard or appreciated for your work. But if you know that, if you recognize, okay, this is who I'm dealing with, I can make selective strategic adaptations to my approach.

12:29I can lead with the bottom line. I can give them bullet points in an email instead of 10 paragraphs. You're going to be much better heard by that person. The communication is going to go much more smoothly. And so, you know, I say in the book that a lot of behaviors we think or people we think are difficult, in many ways, they're just different from us. And when we can realize that, again, it takes away that sting of this is about me. Hey, everyone, quick break. Johnny and I need to talk about something that's been bothering us. That's right. After training over 11 ,000 professionals in the last 18 years, we are seeing a pattern that is honestly frustrating to watch.

13:12They're good at their jobs. They're doing fine, but they're stuck in this dangerous trap of being just average. Average influence, average relationships, and average career trajectory. And here's what's crazy. They're actually working harder than ever. But that next level of success, it just keeps slipping away. Because here's the truth. Technical skills and hard work just aren't enough anymore. Not in 2025. That's why we created X Factor Accelerator. It's our proven system for breaking out of average and developing unstoppable influence in just eight weeks. And right now, we are doing something that we've never done before.

13:46The next 10 people who join will get a private blind spot assessment with either Johnny or me personally. We'll identify what's really holding you back and build your customized roadmap for success in the program. This is usually reserved for our highest level clients, but we want to make sure that you get results fast. But here's the deal. This isn't for everyone. If you're comfortable being average, skip ahead. But if you're ready to stop settling, if you're ready to develop the kind of influence that transforms careers and relationships, head to unlockyourxfactor.com right now. Again, that's unlockyourxfactor.com.

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16:50Let me find the differences versus they're difficult. I don't want to deal with them. Let me get as far away from them as possible. And I think skipping back to the first conversation, because I know a lot of our clients make this mistake being so highly analytical, they assume that they have this extra superhuman power of mind reading. And we've all heard the bullet. There's no stupid questions, but we've been in meetings with stupid questions. So then we tend to err on, well, I don't want to ask questions because I don't want to be seen as the stupid one. I value my intelligence. And when those two things collide, we find ourselves completely out of alignment with what our manager wants or our boss's boss wants, which is even more of a challenge.

17:32So I'd love to unpack some of those questions that can be smart ways to get alignment for our audience members who are afraid of the stupid questions. What you're alluding to is also like the conversations are sequenced in a particular order, right? The first conversation is about alignment. The second one I mentioned a moment ago is about styles. But we start with alignment because if you don't know what really matters to your manager, then you could spend time working on something only to find out that that wasn't a priority to have it scrapped and you feel like you're spinning your wheels. And so the alignment conversation, yes, it's about getting on the same page, discerning what might be some of those unspoken priorities or pressures that your manager has not actually articulated but are influencing their behavior.

18:20And then the styles conversation is more about how do we get that done. But to your point, we also start with alignment because it's more of an easy entryway because it's so much about asking good questions. You don't necessarily have to assert your own ideas. And one of my favorite questions from that chapter, there's many, but one of my favorites is, what are the metrics or goals your manager discusses with you? And that can be pretty clarifying because your manager may not come out and say that in your one-on-ones, right? Or when they're talking about your strategic plan for the year, but they really care about those things because that's what influences their bonus, their career trajectory, their image with their upper management.

19:07So that one can be really helpful to unearth things they may not have said before. I encourage all of our coaching clients to think in narratives. You have a narrative that you're trying to build your career around that you know inside and out. Well, guess what? Your manager has a narrative that they're trying to build their career around. And if you're not thinking in your manager's narrative that they're going into their boss's meeting with and you're only thinking at the IC level of I'm doing my to do's, I'm knocking out of the park on the reports, the group is performing and I feel like I'm a part of the team.

19:40you're missing a huge part of the influence equation that's so important to your career. And when you can start to see your manager's narrative and help support that narrative, they're going to want to bring you along. You're an active character in their narrative, then they're going to bring you on the top projects. They're going to advance you faster than anyone else. So it's important to recognize we're all telling stories. We don't often think about it because a lot of our clients live in numbers. But guess what? We don't go in front of the room with that spreadsheet. We got to put it in a slide deck and we got to put some other story behind the numbers that we're presenting so that everyone is nodding along and starting to say, OK, we can buy into this narrative.

20:18So recognizing that, yes, there are metrics. We want to align on what's important to our boss and how do we start to fit their narrative gives us a lot more power and takes back that control on our own narrative. Everyone I say in the book, everyone is tuned to WIIFM. What's in it for me? Right. And that is just human nature. Your manager is always thinking about, okay, you've done these certain tasks. All right. What does that mean in the bigger picture? What do I go and tell my manager about that? So just like you were saying, it also helps with your visibility because you're not just saying, all right, I did X, Y, and Z.

20:59You're saying, here's why it matters, right? Here's the impact or the contribution that made, which can show your thinking at a, and operating at a higher, more strategic level. It starts to set you up for things like advancement because you can call back to those conversations and say, remember back early in the year when I accomplished X, well, I'd like to talk about, you know, doing more of that. And so it lays the groundwork for everything else. We thought about naming the podcast Art of Visibility, but it doesn't have the same ring to it. And when people think about charm, what it means to be charming in work, it is increased visibility.

21:36You are the go-to person that people think of for projects, initiatives, opportunities, because you have all of these pieces working to your advantage. That's what charm means in the workplace. We can use charm in various ways, but it's funny how little we think about that visibility until those key conversations where we're like, man, I wasn't visible when that project got handed out, or I I was invisible when promotions came around, even though here I was spending long hours going above and beyond on the weekend, doing other people's work, hoping that I could be in alignment and hoping that I could make my manager look good.

22:10People come to me and say, I received feedback in my performance review that I don't know how to prioritize. And that's because they're saying yes to everything. They're volunteering for everything. They're the first ones to raise their hand. And we think that's appearing helpful. But to the people above you, what they see is someone who is overstretched. How are we possibly going to give you more if you are just barely handling what you have right now? And at whatever higher level, you need to be able to prioritize to make tough tradeoffs. And we don't see you have that capability because you're not doing that now.

22:50And so, yes, I'm all for being a team player and pitching in. We're all being asked to do two, three jobs nowadays. But you also have to think about putting yourself out of a job. Eventually, you have to make yourself dispensable, not indispensable. That's the only way you'll ever be able to have mobility. The other alignment that we need to be taking into consideration as well, if our managers are going to have a narrative that we want to help and support, is what are the core values to that manager? What are the core values to this company? That's going to help with prioritizing as well. Now, once you have the core values of the company, the core values of your manager, well, now you understand the algorithm in which they want you to work, in which they want you to make decisions.

23:44All of those things result and makes the company happy because those core values have been written out for a specific reason. Those are the guidelines. My follow-up question to that is how often are you soliciting feedback? because when we wait for the annual cycle, that manager is reviewing everyone and they are forced to give feedback, hostage style, gun to head. This has to be done. They're not thinking through, well, how's this feedback gonna land and is this actually gonna be practical? They're just filling it out because they gotta move on to the next task and everyone hates the feedback moments.

24:21They're not enjoying it. No manager is like, oh my God, yes, it's annual feedback day. so you have to be soliciting the feedback way before that moment to really clarify okay this really seems to be important i've solicited feedback it's come up a couple times now it can go to the top of my priorities not waiting until you get that one bit of feedback and the flip side of that that i hear from clients all the time is the feedback is vague like i don't know what i'm supposed to do with this it's like great job you know you're two percent away what does that even mean? Like, I feel like I'm leaning in.

24:55What's another two percent? And that part, again, is because we're waiting for the feedback instead of being proactive and seeking the feedback. Or we're nervous about even pushing back or pushing further. We feel like even thankful to have gotten that much. And, you know, again, this is the mindset shift of at the end of the day, if you are able to get more specific feedback, then you're able to perform better, which benefits It's your boss in the end. So the best managing up, again, it looks for a triple win, something that's going to benefit you, your manager, and the organization as a whole.

25:32And that's very true when it comes to feedback, right? When you go into your performance review, nothing should be a surprise in that conversation. You should have a pretty good idea of what's coming down the pipe because you've been getting that along the way. And I'm always telling my clients that, just like you were saying, the performance review time, your manager, they're trying to get those done, especially if you're in a big organization. They may have sometimes dozens of those to do. Make their job easy. right? Good managing up comes down to saving the people around you cognitive energy.

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26:11And when you do that, you're also able to shape or direct the narrative that you want being told to make sure it's the one you do want being told about you. And so when it comes to your performance review, even giving your manager a one pager to say, hey, I went ahead and I know a lot has happened this year. So I prepared this one pager with some of my key accomplishments and some of the areas I've been working on. I just I wanted to help make your job a little bit easier. Please feel free to work from this. And I'll tell you that most managers will just copy and paste that and put it in to the review.

26:47And at least you have had the chance to to influence what goes into there and not just leave it up to your manager's memory about what's top of mind for them. Right. And contextualize where you feel the growth for yourself has been, because that's often the hardest for the manager to see, especially when it's a big organization and they're managing lots of people. But if you've taken that key piece of insight or feedback and then worked on it for a year, and you can say over the last year, thanks for those three projects because now I feel like I've really grown into a leadership role in managing the team, you're bringing to the surface that internal growth that you're feeling in a meaningful way for your manager to then leverage in the promotion conversation and leverage in the next project conversation.

27:31But the growth often we're feeling it internally. Our managers are not seeing it and then it doesn't get talked about and we can feel stuck in our career. And it's a terrible feeling. And going to the point of, OK, how do I organize the feedback and prioritize it? What I often find the conversation revolves around is, well, we're not doing a great job of taking ownership. And I know ownership's the next conversation because when we're juggling all these different projects and we think we're just helping everyone out, we don't actually own anything. And then we're crushing our visibility and really hindering our manager's ability to actually showcase us, to celebrate us, to elevate us.

28:10Yes. Or we're just feeling frustrated that our manager isn't moving fast enough to change things or that we see so many things that could be better, but no one's doing anything about them. And so managing up is really moving from that passive or reactive stance in your career to being more proactive and shaping what's happening around you. The ownership conversation is a big part of that. And to your point, you don't just want to take ownership of everything and anything that's around you. You have to be thoughtful about that. So in that chapter, there's five different, I call them worthwhile problems that are worth solving.

28:50And it's things like neglected needs. So what is something your manager or leaders keep mentioning in meetings, but it's falling to the bottom of the list or nobody ever seems to get around to? What are feedback patterns? Maybe you're hearing from customers or team members, things that keep coming up again and again that they would like to see as improvements or additions. Upcoming projects. So could you work ahead on something? And then there's also innovation opportunities. Do you see an opportunity to create a new service or a process or whatever it may be? And then there's the bottlenecks, right?

29:29Are there inefficiencies or duplicate work that's happening anywhere where you could make other people's lives easier? They will love you for that. Yeah. One of our clients, Dave, shared a story. He joined a team. And after four or five group meetings of a few people being late because they were doing this stupid task and a few people bitching about how much they hated that task, he recognized that this document uploader software wasn't matching fields properly. And he said, I could probably solve that over a weekend. had a couple extra coffees on a Saturday, knocked it out, presented to a few people who were actively using the uploader and were like, hey, does this work for you?

30:08Iterated on it and then finally showed it to his manager. And his manager's like, oh, my God, we've been bitching about this for years. Literally, he came in the team, made an instant impact over a weekend and then immediately got promoted that next round. And it was the fastest promotion he'd ever received in his career. and he attributed it to listening. You know, so much of this is like, what's in it for me? Okay, this is my career. I got to fight. I got to advocate for myself. And he sat there in those initial meetings and he was new to the teams. He's like, I really got to listen to what's going on.

30:38And that unlocked this opportunity for him that he capitalized on. Adding value, right? That's what, and that comes back to the perceptiveness piece. Like, are you, do you have organizational awareness of what's happening around you to spot those opportunities. And then also the tactfulness, the diplomacy to go after them. That's such a great story. It's just something for analytical folks to think about, to be focusing outward because they spend so much time in their head working on problems. And a lot of times they'll hear things, they take things a bit personally, they read into things because of all that time spent.

31:22in their head when the answers that they're looking for are going to be in the other people. But also, as we just said, you're going to hear it through neglect and feedback, what people are upset about. Those are great opportunities and they're going to present themselves and you have to be able to listen for them. The flip side of the ownership conversation is often the boundaries conversation. So once we've actually started to take ownership of things, well, we actually have to do a great job around those things that we've taken ownership of. And if we're constantly the person collecting everyone else's stuff because we have no boundaries around our work, then we're going to be struggling.

32:00We're going to be falling behind, missing deadlines. And that's not going to look good in this performance review conversation. So for those of us who struggle with personal relationship boundaries, we often see that too. They go hand in hand. How do we approach work boundaries, especially with that managing up conversation? We bring ourselves everywhere, right? And so if you struggle with this in your personal life, especially when authority comes into mix in the workplace, it gets a bit more complicated. And I think that also speaks to the fact that in our personal lives, no may be a complete sentence, right?

32:33We hear that all the time. But in the workplace, not so much. Because just imagine if your manager asks you to do something and you say, no, you know, I don't have bandwidth for that or no, I can't make that work, right? it's not going to go over as well, right? You're going to lose face in that situation. And so how do we do that more tactfully? And before we even get to how you say no, you also have to be assessing what is my pushback power? What's the leverage I have in terms of how frequently and how directly I can say no? Because if you're earlier in your career, you haven't been in an organization a long time.

33:12If you are more junior, if you don't have a very strong relationship with with your boss, if the company is in crisis, all of those sorts of things lead to lower pushback power. Versus if you have higher leverage, right? Your tenure, the organization's pretty stable. There's values around work-life balance. You have a strong understanding relationship with your manager. All of those things, you usually can be much more direct with saying no. Now, in the book, I give a whole sort of menu of ways to do this. But I always recommend that people start by asking questions because we typically fall into one extreme or another in terms of our reaction.

33:54One extreme, because we're so stressed, we may snap back at the person and say, no, I can't believe you're even asking me that. I'm already so overstretched. I can't take on one more thing. You got to find somebody else, right? And we just were very rigid about it and sometimes even aggressive about it. Or then on the other side, we're too passive about it. And we just say, yeah, sure. And sort of figure out how to keep expanding our plate until we burn out. And what we want to find is that assertive middle. And asking questions first before accepting is a great way to put space between the request and your response.

34:33So you buy yourself a little bit of time instead of just the knee-jerk reaction. But it also gives you information to assess, would this actually be a good opportunity for me? Would I be able to sit in on some meetings that give me exposure and visibility to other executives? Or is this going to help me learn some sort of a skill, some sort of technical aspect or even, you know, softer skill that would be valuable to me? And you may not know that from the outside of the request. And it also can help give you information like a piece of something that you could latch on to to justify your no to say, actually, what you're asking for probably lives best or probably would be owned best by the product team, for example.

35:19And so ask questions first. But one of my favorite approaches in that chapter, and this is really good if your pushback power is, you know, medium to lower, it's called the tradeoff approach. and that's all about essentially saying, okay, I hear X is important. We had already discussed Y was a priority. In order to make space for X, what would you like me to slow down on or delegate or what would you like to reprioritize? And so the beauty of that is you're creating the container for the, you're creating the bounds of the decision, right? It's creating an illusion of control. You know, AJ, I know you just had a child, but a lot of people have told me they do this with their kids, where they'll say, rather than saying, you know, you have to wear pants today, right?

36:12They will say, which pants do you want to wear? The polka dot ones or the red ones, right? And so they create the illusion of control, and they're setting up the bounds for the decision. And so you can direct it in that way, but ultimately the decision-making power is back in the other person's hands. And that's where if your own leverage is on the lower side, then that slight deference to the other person's level of power can be helpful. And let's look at why they're coming to you. They're coming to you for a solution. No creates a problem. You've amplified the problem that they had. Now they have to find someone else.

36:50They need to figure out who can do it. If you can be solution oriented and that's the perfect way to do it. Okay, I'm deprioritizing that. We found a solution and you helped us get to the solution. That's the most important thing. And I think so often we aren't taking our managers or managers, managers narrative and needs in mind here. We're like, my plate is full. So I'm going to express just how full my plate is. And I'm going to list the seven other things I'm working on. That manager doesn't care about the seven other things you're working on. They care about the problem. They came to you about the problem and you're not making their life easier.

37:25And, you know, Johnny and I over the years have had to say no to each other. And then, of course, it's like, well, we still got to solve this problem. So how are we going to solve this problem? And well, then we need to deprioritize some other things. And we need to talk about a priority. Like maybe I'm working on the wrong things. Maybe this initiative isn't as important right now. So I hear you, AJ. But, you know, let's reassess then so that we're on the same page moving forward. Because I don't want to be in a situation where I'm saying no to you often. It doesn't feel good for me either. Right.

37:53And that's an important point that I think often gets missed when we feel that pseudo productivity that we talked with Cal Newport about where we're just all so busy and we're all anxious around all the notifications flying around. If you can take a solutions oriented mindset to a lot of these conversations, you're going to find they go a lot smoother and your manager is going to love having these conversations with you because everyone's winning. The triple win is happening when you're solution oriented. The other thing for folks who might be fearful of pushing back just because they don't know what the reaction is going to be to that is to let the manager know, I would love to get this to you by the end of the day.

38:37But here is what is on my plate now. So if you want that by the end of the day, what can I move? What can I take away? That way the manager knows there is excitement for this project. They are interested in doing this. They're not just saying no because they're lazy. They don't want to. They're trying to get out of work. They're trying to pass the buck off to somebody else, but they're already working on something. And that timeline is going to be difficult to me. So you're letting your manager know, but also, hey, there's a lot of enthusiasm here to get this across your desk. But the way my plate is laid out, it's going to be an issue.

39:17So how are we going to work through this? You know, can I get a longer a deadline? Can we move something?

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41:14encryption. It's time for WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone. Learn more at whatsapp.com. Yeah, in the virtual hybrid environment, it's hard to see what's on people's plates. You know, when we're in an office together and you kind of see someone heads down really working on something or you pop in and there's a spreadsheet open, you're like, oh, I don't want to bother you. I'll back out. But in the virtual environment, there's none of those cues. So we can often feel like, well, my plate's big. I don't know what's on your plate. So please, take a heaping spoon of whatever's on my plate so I can just clear my own.

41:48And that, of course, leads to this lack of boundaries, slowing everyone down. And then you're missing deadlines, which hurts your career. And makes your manager look bad. And so I love that idea, Johnny, of, you know, show how you are for that person. This also goes for feedback, too. If you have to deliver, you know, constructive criticism to your manager, say, like, I really care about us being successful, right? That one of the most important elements of trust is what's called benevolence, which is basically, does that person feel like you're on their side? Does that person feel like you have their best interests at heart?

42:25And that can make a tough conversation much easier because the person knows you're not coming from that defensive or trying to cop out. One of the biggest things that we preach to our clients is the importance of building social capital in their career. And so often we, as we get more skilled and talented and technical, our zone of who we interact with and who we network with internally shrinks. And sometimes it can actually feel like a dead end where you don't feel like there's other opportunities. You don't know where to take your career and you've plateaued. And I hear the frustration in our clients.

43:04Like I haven't talked to anyone in other departments. I don't have any opportunity to connect with them. Like I'm working on this one really technical thing. How am I supposed to talk to marketing? How am I supposed to talk to sales? Like, I don't even know how I would have that conversation. And that's why I love this chapter in the book where you actually give templates of emails and messages to send specifically to break through so we can skip levels and talk to our boss's boss. We can talk to people in other departments and start to warm those connections and build that social capital because so much career movement is happening internally in conversations that you aren't aware of.

43:38They're not being posted online. They're not being posted on LinkedIn about these opportunities. And if you're not in those conversations and you're not connected with the people having those conversations, it can feel like a dead end in your career. And don't make your manager your single point of failure, right? Because your relationship with them may not be that strong despite all your best efforts. that whoever is your leader may change on a dime with the next reorg or a new project you're assigned. And so you need those other allies. You need diversification in terms of where you're able to get information or resources of favor, support from so you're not just dependent on your boss.

44:21Walk us through at least one of those strategies to skip level, because I know that's pretty intimidating. It's like, well, my boss's boss is definitely busy and I don't want to just put myself on their calendar with no reason. So how do I start to initiate those opportunities for myself? Yeah. And coming back to the idea of organizational awareness, you do have to read the environment you're in. This is usually not the first strategy I'll skip to with someone, no pun intended, but because it can be a little more emotionally loaded, especially if you're in an environment that is more traditional or much more hierarchical, you want to tread carefully here.

45:00And so you have to know where you're operating. Some environments, you know, I work with people in startups where skip levels are instituted in the culture. Yeah, they happen all the time. And then ones where someone will say to me, I couldn't imagine a million years doing that, making that request. So you have to know where you're situated at. But in almost all cases, I suggest you need to have the conversation with your manager first. You never want them to feel like you're going above their head, right? And trying to build a relationship with the person above them and cutting them out. And so being able to approach your manager and say something like, you know, I would love to get a broader understanding of what we're working on or these objectives we're working towards.

45:44If you're open to it, I would love to meet with your manager. and if it feels like it might be more palatable to them, you could even suggest, I would love to meet with them together. Could that person come sit in our one-on-one or could we approach that person together? And sometimes that can go over better. But with your skip level, a lot of people are intimidated by that because what do I have to offer this person? Why would this person who has more power and is busier than me, Why would they want to offer me their time? And you have to realize that the further you go up the chain of the command, the more disconnected you become from what's happening on the ground.

46:27And so people at higher levels find it really valuable to talk to people that are closer to the work, closer to the customers. and, you know, there, yes, we talk a lot about toxic leaders and difficult bosses, but there are a lot of good people out there. There are a lot of good leaders and managers, and there's a lot of them that really enjoy being able to mentor and have someone who is interested in their concerns and not just bringing them complaints and problems all day.

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47:56beverage ingredients. Visit good to know facts dot org. So much of this reading the room also happens by you not just focusing on your job, but attending the social events and being someone who's seen outside of just the work environment. And, you know, I talk to clients all the time who are frustrated that I got pulled into this side thing. I'm not getting paid for it. I got to chaperone this person to the offside. I got to drive this person at the airport, that's a huge opportunity to get the read of the room to figure out what's actually happening. And we had a client who was given one of these tasks and he was super frustrated to hear he couldn't just jet off to the airport after the offsite, but he had to chaperone one of the executives.

48:40And funny enough, I gave him just a couple simple questions to ask the executive, warm him up and hear a little bit what's going on with some initiatives that he was interested in as well. And by the end of that ride to the airport, he was given a leadership role on a brand new initiative that no one in his department ever heard of. And it was with a third party vendor that the C-suite executive wanted him to vet. And that never would have happened. And had he gone in with the mindset of like, I don't want to be here. Why am I taking on this task? I'm not saying brown nose and go for every opportunity, but we really have to shift the way we look at some of these other things that are happening, that we're skipping, the events that we're not going to or attending, as those opportunities to read the room, to be visible, and as you share in the book and as we talk about all the time, propinquity is your best friend.

49:27The more people see you, the more familiar your face is, the more likable you become. And if that skip level is seeing you and they're seeing you smiling and enjoying yourself outside of a work environment, attending some of these events, well, they're going to start to like you. And when your name gets brought up, they're going to remember it. Here's the question that I like to ask our clients when I hear this kind of stuff, which is if you had this opportunity to drive this person from the site to the airport 20 years ago, would you have been more excited to have that opportunity 20 years ago?

50:04Or is it now you're not excited about it because of all the technology, which has made you lazy and it's much easier for you to hide now? Where somebody with a out of gumption 20 years ago, I have the most amazing opportunity. I mean, I get to spend 45 minutes with this person in a car ride heading to the airport, which no one likes their car ride to the airport. So everyone's going to want to talk. And this is a great opportunity to get more visibility. And if that answer is yes, well then you made the decision for yourself. And now it's about how are you going to show up for that car ride to the airport exactly you have to increase your surface area of serendipity right because now again especially in this hybrid environment everything is so regimented it's so siloed we don't have those just organic moments as much anymore and so whether it is like going to the off-site or joining a employee resource group where you can interact with people at other levels.

51:09Like just having those opportunities, again, it just increases the chance that something like that will happen, but you have to be open to it. Well, think about it. I mean, if your interaction with this person is just on the Slack channel that the product is being done, you know, what sort of relationship can you build in that Slack channel through just the communication about the project at hand Even if you try to send some memes to warm everybody up, that libel gets you in trouble as well. Where the car ride to the airport, it's not recorded. It's a friendly chat outside the numbers and an opportunity to get to know each other.

51:55You have to look at those opportunities in that manner. And we've all seen the data. We all know that it's these small interactions are what make us all feel better. And if I have a good relationship with the person that we're doing a project for, I'm going to feel much safer in my job rather than staring at the Slack channel and going, wow, that conversation ended a little early. Am I in trouble? Did something just happen? Is somebody upset with me? And then if I have to leave that Slack channel with that thought on Friday, how am I going of feel about jumping back into that on Monday? Oftentimes, especially with our clients who are really introverted, the visibility piece is a little bit lost on them.

52:41So the conversation with your manager and actually bringing that up is so important because oftentimes your introversion, the way your manager is picking up on it, of you not speaking up in Zoom meetings or maybe not going above and beyond in some social situations or being the quiet one in the room and just hoping that I'm nailing the deliverables, they might not even be aware that this is important to you. And how do we actually have that conversation in a meaningful way to raise visibility with our manager in a way that works for both of us? Because we want our manager to feel the visibility more than us peacocking and doing all these silly things in hopes that that turns into the visibility that our manager needs.

53:21I had a client a few weeks ago who her manager had come to her and said, oh, I'm looking for technical leads for this piece of work and was trying to kind of feel out her interest. And she's someone who's a bit more introverted. So because of that, this kind of took her by surprise. And she realized after the fact, oh, because I wasn't prepared for that conversation, I think I came off as hesitant and unsure if I wanted that, but I would love to do this. And so if that's you, if you're someone that struggles being put on the spot with that sort of thing, you can always follow up. It's always okay to follow up.

54:00If you didn't get to say what you wanted to say in the meeting, the moment passed or whatever it is, it's great to loop back and say, hey, I gave more thought to that topic and here's what came up for me. And that actually helps you stand out because no one else does that. Everyone else is on to the next thing. So it really shows you're conscientious that you're dedicated to something. And that's what this client did. She went back to her manager and said, I think it may have come off this way. And her manager said, yeah, it did. I didn't think you were interested. And that led to a great conversation where she was able to say, I am really excited about this.

54:37Now that I've thought about it, I have these specific follow-up questions about moving forward with this. And it turned into a productive conversation. So don't hesitate to follow up is number one. And number two is look for ways that you can build visibility into the process of your communication with your manager so that it's not something you have to just remember to do when you feel bold one day. It's just part of the way you operate. So a very easy way to do this is in your one-on-ones. Make sure that at the beginning of your one-on-ones, you have a section for, you can call it whatever you want, wins, milestones, successes, progress, whatever you want to call it.

55:21But that is your opportunity. Instead of just giving kind of generic status updates, this is where this is at and this is at this stage, talking about things you or your team have achieved, also problems or obstacles you've been able to overcome and how you did that. because sometimes the end outcome is out of your control. But what your manager wants to see, they want visibility into your rationale. How did you think about this? How did you get there? And doing all of that, also, again, another mindset shift here is that visibility is also about giving your manager the information, informing them about what they need to run things up their own chain of command.

56:04because when their skip level can see the team is accomplishing work, well, guess what? That makes your manager look really good. And that's the type of stuff they're measured on. So instead of thinking of it as this is me bragging, it's really informing and giving your manager the data they need to do their job. Two things there. So your client has what we call the enthusiasm gap. And that often happens in person, put on the spot, a little off guard. you can close the enthusiasm gap in that follow-up email. I can't stop thinking about that opportunity on my drive home, and here's what I would do if I was given that chance.

56:43Now, yeah, your manager may in the moment have been like, wow, that was not what I was expecting, but that message is going to go a long way to close that enthusiasm gap and allow them to feel good handing that off to you. Now, the skip level piece, coming back to that, there's something really interesting here. A client of ours was super passionate about AI, And he went to a town hall where his manager's manager mentioned AI as being an initiative, but they hadn't done anything on their team AI related and around the visibility piece. So he was tinkering around with some AI for his own job and came to his boss and said, hey, on the town hall, this was mentioned.

57:19Here's how I'm using it. Here's the end result. You know, I'm curious what your thoughts are. That gave his boss an opportunity to tout AI on the team, made his boss look good. and now he's doing a deep dive across departments to surface how AI is being used across the entire company. And he's leading that from that one conversation. So once we start paying attention in those town halls instead of dozing off or maybe turning off our camera and not paying attention to what's going on in the company, you can start to recognize there's some things that are happening up above, some things that are really important to them.

57:54Maybe haven't made its way down to us, but if I can start doing it and showcase one thing that allows my boss to then go talk about that thing that's being talked at levels above them. Wow, I've increased my boss's visibility, my own visibility. I'm helping everyone. And that's really the triple win in this visibility conversation that everyone is looking for. Sometimes it's right in front of your nose. The last question I have, and we had to skip some conversations, the book is so loaded with tools, but this comes up a lot around quitting when we've had enough. And sometimes it's the wrong culture.

58:33Sometimes it's a bad manager. Sometimes it's just not where you need to be and it's a dead end. And oftentimes the challenge then becomes, well, I don't want to burn this social capital. AJ, Johnny, you talk about social capital all the time. How do I actually leave, but keep these allies, keep these relationships in the future? and I know you have an entire chapter on this conversation because it is such an important one. Some people, as they were reading, as beta readers were going through the book, were like quitting. If I have one foot out the door, why do I care about managing up? And it's just what you said, you know, 70 % of jobs come through your network.

59:10You may also, a high number of people, boomerang back to a company or the same team. So you never know what life holds for you. You wanna try to keep those relationships as solid as possible. Now, when it comes to actually breaking the news, it's really important. Now is not the time to air your grievances. I know that my clients will tell me all the time, I have this sense of like, I want justice, right? I want my boss to know how difficult they were to work for and how this, you know, I didn't get advancement here. And now is not the time for that. Now is the time when you break the news to focus on the future and solutions to say, I, you know, I've had, I've learned so much here, right?

59:58And maybe what you have learned is how to deal with difficult people, but you've still learned a lot. I've learned a lot here. And now I'm really excited for the next step. I would love to talk to you about the handoff. I've already put in place a transition plan or I put together a transition plan and I'd love to focus on that with you. So it's sort of delivering the news tactfully. I've appreciated my time here and let's move forward. And that transition plan piece is important because you were saying before, you know, not giving your manager additional problems, like when it comes to saying no, how some people are resistant to it because now you've created more work for them by saying you can't do something.

1:00:41The same is true with quitting, right? If you're leaving, the first thought in your manager's mind is, oh, no, now what do I do? I have a huge gap on the team. How's this work going to get done? This client is going to be upset. But if in that is part of that conversation, you can say, I've thought through those things. Here's my proposed handoff. And you have to set some boundaries around your participation in that, right? I think some of us who feel bad, feel like we're leaving people on the lurch. Sometimes we overextend during that period. And so you have to think about how am I training the other people around me to be independent once I leave, not dependent on me and following up with me when I'm in my new role.

1:01:27But all of those things go a really long way to making sure you're leaving with goodwill, and not spoiling the relationship at the end because people will remember that. That actually happened to my wife. So she put together a transition plan unasked, just said, I've had enough. It wasn't the right fit. And her boss's boss got wind of the transition plan. The transition of getting her out was smooth sailing. And then that boss left and immediately reached out to her on LinkedIn and said, I'd like to bring you into the new company. and she passed on it wasn't something she's looking for she wants to be a consultant work on her own but it was so interesting to me to watch that all play out that that transition plan in your exit and making that as smooth as possible i know we have a lot of emotion behind it and we're just like screw this place or i didn't like this manager but recognizing that that's the impression you leave and that has a ripple effect and that that manager that you hated is going to be working at other companies it's going to be talking about you and it's going to be talking to recruiters and headhunters about, well, what was it like?

1:02:33Because that's a bullet on your resume. And if you made that transition absolute hell for that manager, it's going to be really hard as you're applying for new roles and trying to figure out what that next step is for your career. If you made it really easy, instead of airing your grievances of all the things you didn't like about the manager, they're going to be singing your praises even though you left. And that's where we need to be in order to really navigate the chutes and ladders of our career. because we're so often told that it's just up and to the right. We just got to keep getting the promotion up and to the right and figure it out.

1:03:05But in this new economy, it is chutes and ladders. It's going to be taking steps back. It's going to be lateral moves. It's going to be maybe jumping to a role that you're overqualified for to get your ground under you in a new company. And because of that, managing all these relationships, it does start with having these tough conversations. And that's why John and I are so thankful you joined us and wrote this book because these conversations are what we're constantly advocating with our clients. And I know our listeners are going to benefit so much from them. Where can they find out more about the book and the work that you do, Melody?

1:03:37You can add to managingup.com. All of the information for the book is there. You can find out more about the rest of my work as well. And come find me on LinkedIn. I love hearing from listeners what they took away, what they're putting into action more importantly. So look me up there. Thank you so much for joining us. It was a pleasure. Thank you so much.

1:04:07I hope you enjoyed that episode as much as we did making it. And now comes the part of the podcast where we showcase one of our X Factor Accelerator members. Take it away, Clint. This is Clint, and I'm in capital sales. I'm a former X Factor student. I joined X Factor because I felt I needed more personal and professional growth. I considered myself successful in my career, but when it came to having conversations with customers, I felt I wasn't building relationships to their full potential. I then started noticing I was having similar shortfalls in personal relationships. Additionally, I felt a confidence void in certain situations, and I was hoping I could improve on that as well.

1:04:48Through the work I did at X Factor and the core confidence course, I was able to improve on both of these areas of my life. And since completing the X Factor, I've transitioned to a new position and the skills learned helped me securing an approximate 30 % increase in pay. So to any guy who considers himself a driven individual but feels he's not quite achieving all he thinks is possible in his current situation, I'd say look hard at joining X Factor. It sure did great things for me. Thank you, Clint. It was a pleasure working with you too, and good luck to you and all your future endeavors. If you've gotten value out of this or any of our podcasts, head on over to your favorite podcast player and rate and review this show.

1:05:33It means the world to us, and it helps others find the show. Before we head out, a huge thank you to our producers, Michael Harold and Eric Montgomery. Until next week, go out there and make it an epic adventure.

1:06:13Only yesterday Yeah, but I remember you Oh yeah, I remember you In my life In my life In my life Next up is a little song from CarMax about selling a car your way. You wanna sell those wheels You wanna get a CarMax instant offer So fast Wanna take a sec to think about it Or like a month?

1:06:54So, want to drive? CarMax. Pickup not available everywhere. Restrictions and fee may apply.

From the publisher

In today’s episode, we discuss the most effective approach to fly up the corporate ladder with Melody Wilding, an executive coach, human behavior expert, and acclaimed author of Managing Up: How to Get What You Need From the People in Charge. Recognized as one of Business Insider’s “Most Innovative Coaches,” Melody specializes in guiding sensitive high-achievers—from Fortune 500 leaders to creative visionaries—helping them transform self-doubt into confidence, master their emotions, and unlock their full potential in both their careers and personal lives.
What to Listen For
Introduction – 00:00:00

Overcome the hesitation around having difficult conversations with your boss.

Planting ideas in your manager’s mind for future projects and promotions.

Signs You Need Help to Improve – 00:10:31

What are the signs you need help communicating your goals and ambitions to your boss?

How do you align with your boss on your goals to gain their support and guidance?

Implementing Feedback to Exceed Your Boss’s Expectations – 00:22:40

How do you prioritize feedback to show your boss your commitment to growth and value?

Why should you avoid helping co-workers too much?

Setting Work Boundaries and How to Say No – 00:29:33

How to set workplace boundaries if you struggle with them personally.

How do you say no to extra tasks without hurting your relationship with your boss?

Avoid Single Points of Failure – 00:39:15

How to secure support from multiple leaders in case your boss or key leader leaves?

Strengthen your relationship with your boss while connecting with leadership above them?

Raise Your Visibility and Promotability– 00:47:45

How do you increase your visibility so your manager considers you for promotions?

How do you quit on a high note and maintain a strong reputation, even mid-project?

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Resources from this Episode
Melody Wilding’s website
Managing Up: How to Get What You Need From the People in Charge
Melody Wilding on LinkedIn
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