Navigating Breakups: Rebound Smarter, Stronger, and Confident (Toolbox)

29:55And now, as I mentioned, your inner critic is going to town. And think about what it takes to leave a relationship. Especially if it's been a marriage that has been going on for a decade plus, or even a long-term relationship that has been going on for a few years. By the time you get to a point that you have to pull the plug and end the relationship, A lot of damage in the relationship has already taken place. And for the guys out there, your first thought is, do I still have it? Or the one thing that can make me feel better in this moment is to share it and to be with somebody else. So I know that no matter what, everything is going to be okay.

30:46And we've already discussed in the earlier part that the worst thing you can do is immediately go out there and start dating again. That is working against you. That's why taking space, creating some space and taking some time to process this is so important. And then while you're getting physically fit and processing the trauma that you have just left, this is a great time to then start looking at that profile and what skills that you can be developing to make yourself a better person because you're going to need it when you dive back into the dating pool. and being out there and dating. And I hear it from the young folks all the time.

31:31They're like, it's hard out there dating with everything that is going on and how culture has changed. And I've been watching some of the younger Gen Z dating shows just to see what the kids are going through and what they're talking about. At this point, I'm 49. I'm Gen X. I didn't have to deal with any of what this younger generation has to deal with in the dating market due to the technology and how it has warped everyone's perceptions of reality and what healthy relationships look like. You're going to have to toughen yourself up before you go back out there because Michael has already dropped the science that that rejection comes in the form of pain and it drops your IQ and it makes you angry, right?

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35:24Not to date you, Johnny, but online dating was not a thing when you were in your 20s. There was no online. No, it wasn't. You had to go out in the neighborhood. you had to rely on friends and family to introduce you to people. You had to go out on your own. But with the number of options that are available to us, we can't just rely on one strategy to find that mate any longer. You can't say, I'm only going to online date, or I'm only going to do it in person. You have to be working on both of those areas. You have to be working on your conversation skills. You have to be working on your online dating profile to supplement your dating efforts in an environment where everyone is at the Cheesecake Factory and the menu is 7 ,000 pages long and there's options right around the corner.

36:09It's one swipe away. It's one more opportunity to meet someone. How do you stand out when everyone has more optionality than ever before? You have to be working on your charisma and you have to be working on your online dating profile to give yourself an advantage, to give yourself a chance to succeed in this new dating world. So when we look at the profile, and it's one of the first things Heather, our coach, does when you join X Factor Accelerator, we look at, well, what are you putting on your profile? How are you explaining yourself? What is that version of you that you're putting online? Do you have great photos?

36:42Are they engaging? Do they draw interest in? But if you just rely on your online dating profile, well, what happens on the first date? How's that conversation go? How do you lead? How do you escalate? What happens at the end of that date? How do you get the second date? How do you get to see that person again? If you don't have the charisma and you don't have the confidence in working with Michael and Unstoppable and X Factor, you're not going to survive the rejection that goes along with going on dates and going after and chasing options in your dating life. So we need to be working on ourself.

37:13We need to be working on our skills. And we need to be working on our online dating profile to be successful in today's dating market. You have to be able to talk about this stuff as well. I mean, working through it, talking with somebody is going to help you go through all the bumps and bruises that you're. Well, I'm glad you mentioned that because Elon, when he joined the program here in LA, he was going on dates, but he wasn't really happy with his options and he was struggling in online dating. And one of the things that he was most frustrated by was that his friends were in committed relationships and they were married and they couldn't really commiserate with him.

37:51They couldn't really relate to what he was going through in the online and in-person dating market currently because they were in relationships. And how often is that happening to you as you're listening to this? You come out of a breakup, but your friends are in relationships. Well, they're not going to help you in approaching that person that you're interested in. They're not going to take a look at your online dating profile and give you valid feedback. They're happy in a committed relationship. So often we find X-Factor members joining because they just feel not only lost, but unsupported in their current social circle because everyone around them is not going through that same breakup or loss that they're experiencing.

38:26And those who had been in the dating market, well, that was 10 years ago. Lots changed after a divorce. So even if your friends are trying to give you advice, it's dated, it's not helpful. They haven't encountered the apps. They haven't been on any of it. And what Elon found in joining, not only improving his online dating profile, but what was most exciting is he actually made friends within X Factor Accelerator to go out with and socialize with. And the newfound conversation skills he brought to his work. And it advanced his film career. So when you start working on yourself, and I know it's easy listening to this, be like, oh, I don't need to work on these skills.

39:01I'm doing okay in the dating realm. It has a spillover effect. You grow your social circle. You actually move ahead in your career because you're more confident. You're not beat down from the rejection and the pain that you're feeling in your dating life that follows you into work on Monday, that follows you, that is that hangover effect. So when you actually start getting successful in your dating life, you start to walk into work more confidently. You start to find yourself being more social and more open to building and fostering new relationships outside of just romance. I just, I wanna add to that as well.

39:35Here's a scenario that isn't going to happen. And this is one, I mean, it can, But the reality of this is going to be a very slim chance that this is going to happen. So you exit your relationship. You start to look around for people who are going out, who are dating, that you can talk to about this stuff. You realize that your friends, they're in committed relationships. They're married. They don't want to hear about your dating woes. In fact, that's the last thing. and what what inevitably happens is you start to look at your your friend who's in a great relationship and you start to look at his partner and you're like i wonder if she's got some friends that she can hook me up with and so you start poking around and that is like hey you know sir you know i've always thought you're really cool you know you guys have such a good relationship don't you have any single friends and i will tell you her response upstairs in her mind is The hell am I introducing you to any of my friends after what you, what I just heard you go through?

40:42Oh, hell no. And so, and we've, well, we're going to be discussing weak ties and how these things play a role in you creating options. My last point in all of this is it's easy in the face of that rejection to see your IQ being lowered, to see the aggression going up, to feel lost and confused and frustrated and not understand why after that first date where you were feeling so great, the other person doesn't want to see you again. That spark, that interest, that attraction was not there. And I just had this conversation with Jason in an X-Factor Accelerator session where he had a great first date and they had built all this rapport.

41:30And he messaged her after the date, was excited to see her again. And she said, I didn't feel the spark. And as we talked about building attraction and the three-step process in X-Factor Accelerator to create that spark, were you having fun? Were you challenging? and was there sexual tension created on that date, he started realizing that, well, I had fun and he over-indexed on fun. And in over-indexing on fun, he became very agreeable. And then there was no sexual tension by the end of the date. They actually became friends by having a lot in common. So when you don't actually understand the science of sparking attraction, you don't understand how on that first date you can actually create the spark of interest that you need, it's easy in the face of this rejection to feel lost and overwhelmed.

42:17And as Johnny said, then only try to rely on your network and your social connections for dating. And that is going to lead to even more frustration. Imagine the frustration you're going to feel is once you're not willing to put yourself out there anymore, and then you're going to lean on your network, but yet you're still burning through leads, right? There's only so many times that your buddy's wife is going to hook you up with a friend. And she's like, wow, that's the last time I do that for your buddy, Mark. It's like, I dig the guy. I want to help him out, but not to the detriment of my relationships with my friends.

42:55This is why it is so important to have this handled on your end. But here's the other point to this. When you have a working mindset that allows you to throw yourself out there and take those lumps and be entertained by it and have fun with it, you become invincible to that rejection. When you develop mindsets and a knowledge for understanding how to communicate and connect with people, you're not hoping that your interactions go well. You're not hoping that the date goes well. You're going to enjoy yourself and to be your best. And I have a great time. So rather than being perplexed when you come back, like AJ was saying about Jason, you get home going, I totally nailed that date.

43:47That was rad. Hope she's interested in going again. We'll see what happens. But while she makes up her mind, I have another date later this week. Exactly. And that's really the three-prong approach. When you get more comfortable approaching attractive people in your daily life, when you improve your online dating profile and create options there, and you have a healthy social life, you're getting options there, rejection becomes a lot less painful because you have options. When there's only one date you've been on in the last two weeks and that doesn't go well, the thought of going on another date, the thought of sending another message online is daunting, is painful.

44:29You feel dumb, you feel angry scientifically from that rejection. and when there's no other options on the horizon, it's easy to give up. And what we wanna talk about last is something that we see a lot of our X Factor Accelerator members, bootcamp participants facing after a breakup. And Johnny, you touched on this earlier. When you've been in a committed relationship with someone, you start the we and your friends become shared. You have a social circle that includes your significant other and their friends. And sometimes you may even stop spending as much time with your friends and distance grows.

45:11You become disconnected. Maybe your friends are single and now you're in this committed relationship and you're putting all of your effort and energy and time spent together to foster this relationship. And you come out of a breakup realizing you don't have a great social circle. You don't have a wolf pack to go out with and meet new people. You don't have people that you can talk about your dating life with. You are in a situation where it's work and it was the significant other. And now you're in a situation where you don't have that vibrant social life. And this is a huge pitfall because even if that first date goes amazing and they want to see you again, you are not going to be an attractive option if you don't have a social life.

45:55If you've put everything into your career and then you've solely focused on finding the one, but you don't have that group of friends, you don't have those events, those people to introduce this partner to, you don't have an active social life that keeps those boundaries up from you over committing and only spending time with this one person you just met, you're going to, again, struggle in the dating life. And science shows that having a healthy social life actually improves your dating life. Right, Michael? Well, that's what the National Survey of Health and Social Life found. This is also known as the Chicago Sex Survey, by the way, just to get your attention here.

46:33And what they did was they interviewed 3 ,500 people between 18 and 59 years old. And this is considered one of the most accurate and complete studies about the romantic and sexual behavior in the United States. So it's an interesting read. What they found in this study is what they were really interested in, among other things, is how people met their partners. Whether we're talking about a marriage or whether we're talking about a one-night stand, 68 % of romantic encounters happened because the two lovebirds got introduced by someone they both knew. 68%. So in most cases, they were introduced by a friend or a family member.

47:21They were introduced by co-workers, by classmates, by neighbors. And only 32 % of those encounters happen through someone introducing themselves. 68%, that's a lot. And it makes sense that your friends, your social circle introduces you because these romantic encounters that you're meeting there, these romantic interests that you get introduced to, they're known as weak ties. You're not directly connected to them, but you're connected to them through someone else. It's probably safe to assume that your friend, someone who's close to you, someone who's in your life, has a lot with you in common.

48:05Maybe just like you, they love the outdoors. Maybe just like you, they love board games. They love going to the movies. They love going and working out. So there's a good chance that the friend of your friend has those same interests. and boom, you got something in common to do, to talk about, to laugh about. And also the other thing that comes in here with those weak ties is if your friend thinks that this could be a good fit, there's a really good chance that this is a good fit because your friend knows you. That's the difference between talking to someone randomly at a bar or at a concert. I mean, yes, you have something in common.

48:43You're at the same bar, you're at the same concert, but your friend, your body saying, hey, this person, I think I should introduce you. You would be a good fit. That is a five-star recommendation that you're starting this contact, this dating, this relationship off with. Earlier, we were discussing to not rely on your married friends for these introductions. And what you're talking about, Michael, is a lot of these relationships come from loose ties from those very relationships. So what I want to frame here is an understanding that those loose ties are opportunities that you have created for yourself being a high value person who is contributing and participating in a community where other people see you as somebody They want to introduce you to other people.

49:38They see you as a high-value people. They know that you're a high-value person. They know the work that you do. You are dependable. They can trust you. You have to create that community and those opportunities. You do that through what we talk about here at The Art of Charm, which is called the social sales funnel, that basically puts you at the center of your community. And there's a key takeaway from the study that it has to be highlighted here. These weak ties create opportunities, not only for marriage, but even casual dating and even one night stands. So even if you're coming out of a breakup, you're like, hey, AJ, Michael, Johnny, I'm not ready to get married.

50:23Like I just got out of a divorce. I'm just looking to casually date. I'm just looking for some opportunities to put myself back out there. Weak ties provide that. So I know when we hear matchmaker, we think, oh, I don't want to go on that date with a friend of a friend because I'm not sure where I'm at. I've had healthy, casual encounters and opportunities in my friend group without spoiling anything by, as Johnny said, being a high value person and being honest about what I want. And that other person might be going through a breakup and might also just want to be putting themselves out there and looking for some fun.

50:55So don't write off your network and your weak ties as, oh, the matchmaker's trying to set us up for life and I'm not ready for marriage. I'm not ready for a committed relationship. The science actually shows when you're honest, when you're authentic, these weak ties create relationship opportunities on all ends of the spectrum. And that's huge because so many of our clients go, okay, AJ, I don't wanna burn my friends and I really just wanna work on online dating because I wanna avoid rejection. By skipping your health and by skipping your social life, you're actually setting yourself up for more failure.

51:31So if you're finding yourself lost, coming out of a relationship, your weak ties have been obliterated, they're all connected to your significant other or your ex-spouse, and now you're starting over, you're starting fresh, we wanna walk you through a simple strategy that's gonna enliven your social life, that's gonna renew your social life and create more weak ties. But I know, Johnny, there are a couple things you need to keep in mind. Most importantly, you have a career. you have a life. You can't be going out every night and trying to make things happen because that's going to take you off of your path, your career path.

52:08So what we want to do is create the social sales funnel to get the most effort. We'll get the most out of the effort and energy that you're going to put into it, but also to be intentional. This is the part that is important. If you're intentional when you're going out and what you are doing and what you're looking for, then your effort and energy won't be wasted. If you don't have intention, if there's no mission tied behind it, going out, putting in all this work is going to feel like you're spinning your wheels. And if you're taking some hits along the way, putting yourself out there, getting rejection, it is only going to speed up that process to where you're tired and frustrated and your inner critic has free reign to beat you up.

52:54Yeah. When Chris joined the X Factor Accelerator, he is in a committed relationship as a financial advisor, but he had moved to a new town. His biggest frustration was he was just going out on a nightly basis, trying to find connections, trying to meet new people. And he wasn't into the sports teams in that new town. He really didn't like drinking. It was not big on his list, but he felt, well, that's the only place to meet people is to go out, go out randomly and try to just work towards meeting as many people as possible. And he was hoping to build a social circle, but also help his career prospects and get some business.

53:29And one simple change that he made was actually focusing on events that had a shared experience that he enjoyed. So being physically fit, drinking really wasn't high on his list. So going to bars isn't really a great strategy for someone like Chris. So what did we do? We got him to join a run club. And just the simple act of meeting the run club on a weekly basis and using propinquity, which is familiarity, seeing the same people over and over again, and having some fun together and physical activity, which is bonding, after the run, they would go have a beer at the local microbrew. And he got a non-alcoholic beer, but now instead of going out at night and chasing people who just want a drink, he was actually hanging around people who were focused on their physical fitness.

54:12Who knew how to just have one drink and call it a day or to go out to lunch after? and he enlivened his social circle, moving in a married couple to a new town, neither party, the spouse or him, having much of a social circle. So the strategy we're about to share, even if you're not coming out of a breakup, is so powerful and it's worked for so many of our clients. So this is why the first thing that we have our clients go through is a very introspective part of the X factor to understand what our core values are and what it is that we have as our North Star that we're going to focus on as we build this new community, which you will be the center of creating a high value persona of somebody who is a connector, who is knowledgeable, and who can support the people within that community.

55:10So if you think about a funnel, right, a funnel is wide at the top, collects a lot of options, opportunities, and it actually gets narrow at the bottom so that it creates a steady stream. So from randomized droplets at the top of the funnel to a steady stream at the bottom, how can we use this in our social life to start to build a social circle? Well, we have to commit to going out and meeting new people, right? We're not going to build a social circle by sitting on our couch, by watching Netflix, by binging the Art of Charm podcast. As much as I wish that would be effective for you, we know it's not.

55:48So we have to commit to going out and socializing. But we want to make sure that we're setting ourselves up for success. And as Michael said, just going out and meeting a random selection of people each and every night, facing that rejection from strangers, you're not highly likely to find a lot of people that are a great connection for you that have similarities and interests and are actually going about life on their own mission that you could be a part of. So as Johnny said, we have to identify what our core values are. What's really meaningful to us? What's guiding us? Is it physical health?

56:22Then maybe it's fitness. Is it entrepreneurship? Then maybe it's a networking event. Can you find a hobby or a passion or pursuit that has a social activity tied to it? Maybe it's golf for me or hiking or joining a run club as we talked about. These opportunities to meet new like-minded people who share a common interest is the top of the funnel step. I like the two to one rule where we commit to one social activity a week for every two dates that we go on. So as you're getting your dating life back in order, you can't tip the balance only to romance. You have to commit to at least going out and socializing once a week.

56:58That could be after work. That could be on the weekend. but in that top of the funnel activity, we're meeting and connecting with new people. Now, here's where we start to qualify and we narrow our focus with that funnel. We start to filter in the right high value people for us. We commit to hosting once a month an activity that we can invite people to. And this activity can be a hike together. It could be a run. It could be a mountain bike excursion. It could be a dinner party. It could be a poker night. but you are the host. You are the connector. You are inviting people into an activity that you enjoy.

57:38And what that does is it creates a filtering step. So you're not spinning your wheels, spending a lot of time chasing after social options and social connections with people who aren't like-minded, who don't enjoy the same things, who you're probably not gonna share a great connection with. So if I invite 10 people to poker night and six of them pass on that poker night. I have four people who enjoy poker who I got together. I have an opportunity now with a limited amount of time, that one poker night, to start to spark real connections with people that I met at a run club, that I met on the golf course, that I met at the meetup event.

58:17And in that opportunity of inviting people in, I've provided an opportunity for them to get a better sense who I am, but not doing it one-on-one, not spinning my wheels, chasing people for a beer or for a dinner or for a coffee in a one-on-one setting, which is not a very efficient use of my time. So that hosting is the second step of the funnel. We're committing to one social activity to find like-minded people. We're inviting them to one group activity a month in your life where you're hosting. And what comes out of that event, the bottom of the funnel is an opportunity for the right people to be filtered into your life, to go to dinner with, to invite on that trip, to actually spend more quality time alone with.

59:03So we're meeting tons of people, creating options in our life at the top of the funnel. We're hosting events to start to filter in the right people for ourselves. And then at the bottom of the funnel, the people who had a great time at the event, the people who we felt a natural inclination and connection for, we then commit to inviting to dinner, hanging out with on our boat, taking out in a one-on-one fashion. That's how you start to foster and build a real social circle in a new area, coming out of a breakup, not knowing very many people. So you're basically making rejection work for you. Because if you invite 10 people to poker night that you brought in through the first stage in the funnel, and six of them don't reply or they don't show up or they flake out or whatever, rejection works for you because you don't want to invest more time into those that didn't reply, I didn't invite you back to another event or whatever.

59:57You're bringing in a lot of people and then you bring in rejection. And you let rejection sort out those that should not go on a one-on-one event occasion, doing something together, whatever it may be. You don't want them there because you only have a limited amount of time. And why not spend that limited amount of time with high value people that like you for being you and that like to help you out and that like to spend time with you. And that won't work with every single person you bring into that funnel because there's so many of them. You need rejection. Rejection is like a high five. Okay, great.

1:00:36I know I can probably like take those names off of my list. That's a great thing. In that rejection, there's a really incredible moment that happens. It's called the power of the invite. When you get comfortable inviting people into your life, you unlock reciprocity. And what happens is even if of the six people who said no to the poker night, they rejected you in that moment, they didn't come to your event, you're now top of mind for them to invite you to something going on in their life, the baseball game, the mountain bike trip, the new restaurant opening down the street. So even in that rejection, you've planted the seed of I want to connect with you.

1:01:20I want to foster a relationship with you that bumps you up the top of their list to invite in the future. And I found this reciprocity to be so powerful, even in the face of rejection. Those people now see me as someone who's trying to connect, who wants a relationship, who's looking to grow my social circle. And they're going to think of me when they have an opportunity to invite someone somewhere. So three points before we go into the summary of everything that we went through today that this takes care of. Number one, it creates a space for you to get well, to get physically fit, and to heal yourself from the trauma of getting out of one relationship.

1:02:02This allows you to get active, be social again, get back out there and be meeting people. And then lastly, creating options in your life so that you have the power in the dating market. And it can feel daunting. especially if you feel like your interests or your passions or hobbies are unique. So when Eric joined the X Factor Accelerator, he was coming out of a relationship and he had let his social ties wane. And they festered and he didn't know how to reconnect with them. In the process, he also quit drinking. So he had changed a lot of his personal life and his habits and things that he enjoyed.

1:02:46And he was very nervous around, how do I reconnect with these friends who only knew me as the social drinker, who only knew me in the bar setting. And we worked together to understand Eric's mission. And Eric has a powerful draw and propensity and interest in sustainability. It's something that he had woven into his career. And it's something that even in his hobbies and his passions and his pursuit and volunteering in his local area was top of mind and very important to him. And this cause became a rallying cry and a mission for him. So his social sales funnel event actually involved inviting people he was meeting outside of the bar to go do some volunteer work and sustainability and environmental work in his local area.

1:03:31And what that did was that created a dynamic where he was meeting people. He was inviting them to something that was really important to him. And they felt connected to that shared mission. And then he was spending time going to dinner with them or going on walks or going on a canoe trip after inviting them to that social connection opportunity that involves sustainability. So even if you feel like, AJ, I only really like this random video game or I'm not really into running or I don't like sports or I hate drinking, we can work together with you to define that mission for you, create an opportunity to invite people to share in that mission in your life and filter in the right people.

1:04:12It's not to say that Eric didn't face rejection from some of the people he invited to his sustainability charity work, but in the face of that rejection, he actually got invited to do some pretty cool non-sustainability stuff outside of what he had thought was possible in his social life. And that's really the power. When we start to heal ourselves physically, we get neurotransmitters working to our advantage to overcome the pain that we're feeling from that loss. We set ourselves up for success with creating space in our life to get in the online dating world. We work through the rejection of approaching new people, and we start to build a social circle that creates those weak ties, we have a three-legged stool to be successful in this new dating environment where options are endless, where attention is scarce.

1:05:02How are you standing out from the crowd to find the one for you?

1:05:16attention all professionals are you looking to take your communication skills and charisma to the next level we'll look no further than the art of charm immersion boot camp in las vegas our immersive program is designed to help you develop your emotional intelligence and become a master of social interaction in just three days on the weekend This exact program is used by military special operators to grow their EQ, which means you'll be learning the same techniques and strategies that these elite professionals use to excel in high-stress situations. Our program includes personalized drills and exercises that are specifically tailored to improve your communication skills and elevate your influence.

1:05:55You'll also receive video work and feedback to help you grow your charisma and presence. And with our field nights, you'll gain real-world experience and overcome approach anxiety to become the life of the party. Don't wait to transform your personal and professional life. Apply now for our three-day weekend immersion bootcamp in Las Vegas at theartofcharm.com slash bootcamp and take the first step in becoming the best version of yourself. That's theartofcharm.com slash bootcamp or link in the show notes. This week's shout-out goes to James, who used what he learned in our in-person bootcamp to rectify a situation that he was having at work.

1:06:30He mentioned that the conflict resolution training gave him the frameworks to remedy a situation of misunderstandings that bogged down the production of his team. James also mentioned that he has seen a change in how his friends interact with him. Breaking old patterns with new ones changes those dynamics of how people interact with you. James now feels in control of how he presents himself and has the tools to capitalize on any social situation. Break free of your limitations by building skills and breaking old behavioral patterns. Way to go, James. All right, before we head out, a huge thank you to our producers, Michael Harreld and Eric Montgomery.

1:07:09We hope you have an epic week.

1:07:24And you sold the world You sold the tragedy Cause you had your taste Of black only yesterday Yeah, but I remember you Oh yeah, I remember you In my bad, bad, bad, bad

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