Ping & Persuade: How to Win in the Era of Always-On Communication | Andrew Brodsky

21 Apr 2025 · 1 h 5 min

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In short

Podcast Notes: The Art of Charm - Episode: Ping & Persuade: How to Win in the Era of Always-On Communication | Andrew Brodsky

Episode Overview

  • Guest: Andrew Brodsky, management professor at UT Austin and author of *Ping: The Secrets of Successful Virtual Communication*.
  • Focus: Strategies to reclaim productivity, enhance visibility, and communicate effectively in a digital-first environment.
  • Key Concept: Introduction of the PING Framework for effective virtual communication.

Key Topics Discussed The Impact of Virtual Communication

  • Virtual communication has become dominant due to remote work and digital platforms.
  • Common issues include Zoom fatigue and unclear networking strategies.
  • Importance of understanding communication preferences to improve relationships.

The PING Framework

  • Perspective: Understanding how others perceive your communication.
  • Initiative: Taking action to improve communication effectiveness.
  • Nonverbal: Recognizing and adapting to nonverbal cues in digital communication.
  • Goals: Tailoring communication methods to align with specific objectives.

Effective Communication Strategies

  • Choosing Communication Methods: Ask individuals how they prefer to communicate instead of defaulting to email or video calls.
  • Boundary Setting: Establish clear communication norms within teams to avoid the "always-on" mentality.
  • Visibility in Remote Work: Regular updates about work progress help maintain a sense of presence in a remote environment.

Generational Differences

  • Different generations have varying preferences for communication tools (e.g., Gen Z's aversion to the thumbs-up emoji).
  • Understanding these differences can enhance cross-generational interactions.

Networking and Cold Outreach

  • Successful networking often involves brief, specific messages that stand out.
  • Asking for advice can enhance perceived competence rather than diminish it.

Rekindling Relationships

  • Thoughtful reconnection messages can re-establish faded connections without awkwardness.
  • Intentionality in communication can strengthen professional and personal ties.

Digital Nonverbal Cues

  • Nonverbal communication in virtual settings includes tone, timing, and visual cues.
  • Mimicry of the communication style of others can build rapport and trust.

Episode Takeaways

  • Communication Preferences: Always inquire about preferred communication methods to foster better relationships.
  • Productivity vs. Visibility: Be proactive in communicating your work to establish visibility, particularly in remote settings.
  • Initiate Small Talk: Use informal interactions, like virtual water cooler chats, to enhance team bonding.
  • Reconnection: Don’t hesitate to reach out to old contacts; they appreciate the initiative.
  • Be Specific: When reaching out for advice or networking, be clear about your ask to facilitate responses.

Resources Mentioned

  • Book: *Ping: The Secrets of Successful Virtual Communication* by Andrew Brodsky.
  • Andrew Brodsky’s personal website and the Ping Group’s website for additional resources.

Conclusion This episode emphasizes the importance of adapting communication strategies in an increasingly digital world. By applying the PING Framework and being intentional about how we connect, we can enhance our productivity and strengthen relationships in both professional and personal spheres.

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Transcript

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1:11And the thing is, I have a strong preference. And so do most people sometimes just asking another person like, hey, how'd you prefer to do this? Like I can do email, phone, video, happy to do whatever's best for you can be extremely successful strategy. Because one, One, you're communicating on their terms, so they're going to be more willing to communicate with you because you do it in the way they want. And two, by just showing you care more about their preferences, it shows you care about the relationship.

1:48All right, let's kick off today's show. Today, we're talking with Andrew Brodsky, a leading expert in workplace technology, communication, and productivity. Listen, virtual communication has taken over the world, and Andrew is a management professor at McComb School of Business at the University of Texas, Austin, and the CEO of Ping Group. His latest book, Ping, The Secrets of Successful Virtual Communication, is out, and today he shares his Ping framework for effective virtual communication, how to win back productivity and be more visible virtually, why you need to be reconnecting with your network, and the secret to effectively connecting with the people you look up to.

2:26Welcome to the show, Andrew. It's great to have you. Thanks for having me on. I know. We've all been there overthinking an email, regretting a text message, wishing the meeting was actually in person instead of on Zoom. Why do so many of us struggle with virtual communication? There's a lot of answers to that question, but the simplest one is that if you think about humanity, we've had well over 100 ,000 years of interacting with each other in person. we've evolved to interact in person. And if you look at the amount of time we've spent interacting via technology it's just this tiny sliver of human history so just not something we're naturally good at.

3:06Yeah, and I think in the last 20 years that we've been coaching people on communication the rise of virtual communication and the number of platforms we're now dealing with it in has just become ever-present. Whereas I think when we first started this 20 years ago like email and text, but now you could pretty much be reachable on anything digital. Exactly. And it's funny seeing some things make a comeback. Like voicemails used to be a big thing. We call people, we leave a message. Then it fell really out of fashion. It's still seen as really bad, but now voice notes are really cool. So, which is basically the same thing as a voicemail.

3:45They're both asynchronous or not real-time audio, but voice note, you're cool. Voicemail, you're really uncool. I'm happy that you're here so we can learn some new rules and how to go about this because even though AJ's correct, when we started this podcast and this company, it was at the very beginning of all of these platforms. We were still in MySpace days and in it. So we watched then Twitter and Facebook and everything else develop. And as you mentioned, voice memos or voice notes are the new cool thing. And of course, everyone now has their preferred method of communication. When I get voice notes from people, I lose my mind because that's not how I want to communicate.

4:41And in fact, I've been working with TikTok and how you're supposed to interact with TikTok is talking to it like FaceTime. Now, when I was a young man, I dreamed about having FaceTime so I could talk with my high school friends all night long. And the thought of getting on FaceTime now to talk to anybody in my adult life seriously irks me. Can't we just send a couple of texts back and forth? So this will be quite interesting. Yeah, I think it'd be helpful for our audience to sort of start to categorize and think about the different forms of communication because we're all aware using them. But we oftentimes make mistakes not really using the right one in the right moment.

5:30And I know in the book, you lay it out in a beautiful quadrant for us to really understand, you know, what are some of the ways we can think about communicating virtually more effectively? There's this overarching category that researchers refer to as media richness, which is effectively how close things are to in-person, how similar it is to an in-person interaction. And then there's underlying categories of that. So it's not just one dimension. And in the book, I highlight the two main ones. The first one's the one most people focus on. And that's cue variety. So is there a similar amount, similar types of nonverbal behavior to in-person interactions?

6:08Can we hear them? Can we see them? The second one is synchronicity. So is the interaction occurring in real time or is it delayed like email? And the one big thing people often miss about these categorizations is that even small differences on those dimensions can really change the flow of conversation. So like video calls, if you, those are actually slightly less synchronous than in person, because there's data lags and there's, you know, your data is going over the internet. So there's like fractions of a millisecond that the conversations lagged and that can create those awkward silences, accidental interruptions, the no, you go first that happens.

6:51So even small changes on those dimensions can have pretty major outcomes. We've been there even on this show with virtual communication, especially with three of us trying to get a point in there where that tiny delay, as slight as it is in video, you're still now awkwardly talking over someone, whereas in person, it would flow a lot more naturally. So as we think about communication from a social dimension, but then in a professional dimension, are there different ways of thinking about how to go about utilizing virtual communication? Or as Johnny was sharing earlier, is it just come down to personal preference?

7:28Now, there's a ton of research and studies on this about what mode is best for different things. Some people have really strong views towards one extreme or the other. So some people are like, in person is always best. There are other people who are like, in person is pretty much always worst. We should just do text and email. And both extremes are really wrong. So So if you have hours and hours of wasted meetings a week, you can easily see why in-person or synchronous interactions can be a waste. But on the other side, text-based communication can have its downsides. Like this conversation. You're asking me a bunch of questions.

8:05I'm really talkative. So, you know, I'm answering with a few paragraphs for each. It's going to take us an hour. If you'd email me all these questions and I was typing up a few paragraph-long answers and proving them and editing them, it'd take me a week to write up the answers to all of these questions. So this is one of those examples where text-based communication would be highly unproductive for our conversation. And not just productivity, because I know that's the professional side of things, but even on the social realm, some of those conversations can be awkward if it's just over email versus, hey, you know, pick up the phone.

8:40And I know for me, I've sort of defaulted more to text in my form of communication. Are you seeing generational differences too now with this infusion of tech? Yeah, so it's two questions there. One's about authenticity and the other's about generational differences. When it comes to authenticity, it matters what kind of authenticity you're showing. So I differentiate in my research between two types. There's that true authenticity. You're actually feeling what you're trying to show. And in those cases, the richest modes are best. So that's in-person or video. But there's a lot of time you're engaging in something that researchers call surface acting.

9:19And that's basically you're faking it. So maybe your friend has really good news to tell you, but you're in a bad mood. Maybe you had like, you know, you spilled coffee on yourself in the morning, you got in a fight with your partner. And like, you don't want to go to your friend and be like, well, I'd like to say I'm excited about the fact that you just got proposed to, but I spilled coffee on myself. so I'm pissed, like that would be really, really bad. So in those cases where you need to fake it, potentially for the benefit of the other person, then moving down to audio is better. And that's because it hides all the nonverbal behavior that leaks through when people can see us, but it's not seen as inauthentic like email is.

10:01To get an email congratulations from your best friend, it just feels bad. And then to the last question, the generational one, yes, things change. For we look like we're all about the same age. For us, when we entered the workforce, email was pretty much the only means of sending text-based communication. You could do it on your phone, but you had to hit the number two button three times to get to like C or the number five button, you know, multiple times to get your letter. Like you had to hit, texting was not easy. So we used email for everything. The generation now, people coming into, you know, growing up, going to high school and college, they've got lots of options.

10:41So they've got texting, they've got Snapchat, and email is only used for work. So for those of us who kind of came into, you know, adulthood with email, we use it for everything. But for younger people, that scene is really weird, because they only use email for work. So there's different norms that everyone associates with these things. You brought up a point earlier that I know a lot of our clients are frustrated around and everyone sort of feels like they're drowning in meetings and it would be nice to default to some of the more asynchronous forms of communication to gain some of that time back.

11:15How should we be thinking about these meetings that we're drowning in and what can we do to potentially speed up communication and win back some time and productivity? And this is true about our communication. People are drowning emails. They're drowning in instant messages and people often use Slack for that. And they're drowning in all different types of communication. And the problem is, is that most of us don't stop and think for a few minutes about, is this the best mode to be doing this in? Is this the best mode to be, you know, increasing my, improving my relationship? Is this the best mode for coming up with a good idea with someone else for collaborating?

11:52And by taking a second and pausing and saying, is this the right choice? like what would actually be best here, that can really improve people's outcomes, whether it's productivity, whether it's strengthening relationships, whether it's improving your own well-being and limiting the overall amount of communication there. So it's about being more thoughtful and strategic in your approach to how you interact with others, as opposed to just going with the default. It's an email, so we're going to continue an email or it's in text, we're going to continue in text. Instead, maybe pick up the phone or suggest, hey, why don't we switch this to this mode.

12:26That pause brings up a great framework that the book is based around, the ping framework, where we can actually start to think in a more meaningful way about how we're communicating, how we're receiving and responding to communication. So let's unpack the ping framework for our audience. P is perspective taking, I initiative, and nonverbal, G goals. So P for perspective taking, that's centered around this idea that when we interact virtually, we tend to become much more self-focused. In person, you see a human being standing right in front of you, it's hard to forget about them and how they're going to react.

13:05When you're interacting virtually, you're just staring at the text on a screen, or even on video, you're just staring at a small square of the other person. So we tend to be focused more on ourselves and forget about them. That's why we so often say things virtually we wouldn't if the person was standing right in front of us. So it's key to put yourself in the other person's shoes. I is initiative. And the central point behind this is that each mode of interaction has strengths and weaknesses, but we don't need to accept those weaknesses as fixed and, well, it's just worse. So for instance, email, texting, there tends to be a lot less small talk in those modes of interaction than there is in person, which undermines trust, which reduces rapport, which can hurt relationships.

13:53So rather than just saying, well, email is worse for building relationships, thinking about, well, how can they infuse a little bit of small talk in there? Not just adding in 10 paragraphs and like really bothering the other person, but maybe just a sentence or two can really help to improve the relationship by reminding that other person, hey, there's a human being on the other side of the screen. N, nonverbal. and that gets to the idea that there's so many different cues that happen across different modes that we aren't used to. Typos can relay emotion in email. Time a day you send a message can relay power.

14:28Even on video, there's questions about your background. Should you be looking at the other person's screen? Should you be looking at your webcam? Should you be looking at yourself? There are all these different nonverbal behaviors and there's a lot of science behind them that shows what is best, what should we be doing? And then lastly is G for goals. I wish I could say there was just one best mode of communication. It made for some easy advice and a short bug, but there isn't. It really depends on your goal for the situation. So we've already talked about productivity and relationships. Sometimes certain modes are better for productivity, but they're worse for building relationships and vice versa.

15:08One of those examples is often I get is, are cameras on better or cameras off better? And research shows that it depends on what your goal is for that situation. And together, that brings together this framework, perspective taking for P, initiative for I, nonverbal for N, and G for goals.

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18:57Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on an unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. C-Mint Mobile for details. Now, so many of us feel that now with this infusion of virtual communication, there's this always on mentality where in the past, and I remember setting up my dad's answering machine, you know, a call would come in and we could screen it. And we can be sitting there and hear the person's voice leaving the actual voice message. And then my dad would be like, you know what? I'm busy right now with dinner and I'll call him back after dinner. And there was always this pause that allowed us to enjoy our family time.

19:34And as now this mode of virtual communication has come into play, there's this always on constant notifications on every device to let you know that you have to be responding to this communication. How do we start to infuse some boundaries around the communication and win our life back? because I think that's where a lot of people's pain points are with virtual communication. When I'm consulting with leaders, that's probably one of the most common ones I get is how do we get out from under this load of stuff? And I have a lot of tips for this, but the one core one that I focus on often is trying to make the implicit explicit when it comes to response expectations in your relationships, whether that's work or social.

20:18And what this means is it's really based on this previous research on something called the email urgency bias. And what these researchers found was that when people receive emails, especially after hours, they tend to think the sender wants a response much quicker than they do. So if I were to get an email from one of you two, you know, late night on a weekday, I'd be like, oh, you know, this is a really important person, like a big podcast, does all this work, consulting books. I'd be like, they probably want a response really quickly. But in your side, you're probably like, I'm dealing with a hundred emails right now.

20:57I don't care if Andrew gets back to me for another week or two. And this can create a tremendous amount of stress on the part of the recipient because we always feel this need to be checking our inbox, whether it's instant message, texting, email, and responding right away. And it turns out very often the other person doesn't care if you get back to them that quickly. So one of the things that I do when I'm coaching teams or people in relationships is to talk about, okay, what are the expectations for each mode of communication? Maybe we'll say that email will respond within 24 hours. Instant messaging will respond within two hours.

21:38That way, if you're focused on something, you're in a meeting, no big deal. And then if there's an emergency, either during hours, something urgent or after hours, it'll be via text. And this is nice both for the sender and recipient, because on the recipient side, if you're done with work or you don't want to look at your phone, all you need to do is listen for that text notification. And you don't have to check your inbox every second. And on the sender side, we often fall into this trap of, especially in relationships, where you text someone and they haven't responded. And you're like, are they ignoring me?

22:14Are they, you know, keeping me on read? Do they not care? And it's the same with emails and work is, did someone read my email? Are they ignoring me? And when you have these pre-existing conversations, and you suddenly hit that amount of time you've previously talked about, it's not weird to follow back up. You can just be like, hey, didn't hear from you the last day. What's up? And so when you make the implicit explicit with regard to those norms, it can really reduce the stress and burden on both sides of the equation. And that urgency bias, we've seen it in our clients too, consulting with them and sharing, you know, how they look at communication, it ratchets up.

22:52So I was working with an executive who had a team and, you know, he also had a day job. So he was typically handling his team's emails in the evening after normal working hours. And of course, that led to his team immediately responding with urgency because they're feeling that urgency bias. The boss, the owner of the company is emailing me after hours. And then he was complaining he was getting no family time because he's now responding back to those urgent emails at midnight. And just taking a simple step back and saying, does this have to be answered now? Can this be answered with my morning cup of coffee before I start my day job?

23:28Created that breathing room. And then all of a sudden he found he wasn't getting as many emails late at night to respond to. And you can break that chain. We often all have our own views on these things and no one ever has a conversation out loud saying, OK, let's figure this out just so we're clear on like what our expectations are here. And it just it really takes so much weight off everyone when you actually have those conversations. And then adding that hierarchy, even internally for us. So most of our email is for communication with people outside the company. Slack is for all the internal communication.

24:03And then if for some reason it's really urgent, then it's a text or a phone call to Johnny or myself or a team member that pierces through. Okay, AJ is not using Slack. He really wants to get a hold of me. I should probably figure out what's going on here. and that's allowed us to at least level the playing field on the communication instead of feeling like every slack notification at all hours of the day has to be responded to and that rejuvenation is key there's so much research showing that when you don't have separation from your communication your work that it really just burns you out you decrease creativity you're you're less satisfied with your job you can't focus as much so making sure that you have that space to detach is really important.

24:48Even for myself and hearing that hierarchy is like, why are we doing this to ourselves? Why are we going through all this? However, when you're dealing with lots of different people and a company that has many different things going on, there are going to be multiple ways of communicating to get things done. And it It helps productivity. So it may sound a bit insane, but when you're using this stuff all the time, it absolutely makes sense to have that hierarchy there. And it just keeps things straightened out and you'll feel much better rather than allowing yourself to get stressed out from trying to figure out how to deal with all of this incoming.

Read the full transcript

25:38Well, I think part of what also happens without the hierarchy and that urgency bias is then it's really hard to have the perspective taking pause and really think, how's the other person thinking or feeling? It's very easy to think, oh, they're upset with me or read too much into it and focus on the eye as that urgency and that pressure from all this communication builds. So what are some ways that we can start to be more adept at perspective taking in these moments in the past where maybe that notification has created anxiety. One of my favorite research studies on this topic focuses on something called egocentrism over email.

26:16It's this idea that we become very self-focused over email. And the example that's used is in a study that was done by a Stanford researcher where she had two different people get paired up. One of them would tap out a song on, you know, a desk. And then they asked that person, how confident are you that the other person will guess the song that you tapped out? And they would say, oh yeah, really confident 80%, 90%. And almost always the other person never got it right. The reason was that when you're tapping out the song, you hear the music in your head while you're tapping it. And so it seems obvious.

26:59For the person on the other side, all they hear is tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. And that doesn't yield anything. And the parallel is made to the same thing with text-based communication. When we're writing a message, we hear the emotion in our heads. It seems super obvious to us. But on the recipient side, they're coming from a completely different set of assumptions, information, and they interpret it differently. An example I give in the book when I was doing interviews with a publishing company is this manager sending emails saying, you know, good job on this, but I think we can continue to improve it.

27:40Smiley face. And the subordinate was like, this was a super condescending email. Like, this is just me doing the work. The fact that we're saying we, the modicon was very condescending to me. And the idea here is that we both hear it different ways. And the research on email showed a similar thing to the tapping study. The senders think it's obvious, the recipients don't get it right. But there's a twist on the study in that they found that when as a sender, you take a second and you read your message out loud in the opposite tone you intended. So if it's a sarcastic message, read it out loud to yourself as serious.

28:20If it's a serious message, read it as sarcastic. If it's happy, read it as angry, and vice versa. And when people did that, they suddenly realized, oh, wait, my message is not as unclear as I intended. So getting in the habit for important conversations, you know, I wouldn't recommend this for every single message, but for those where you're concerned, they might misinterpret. or it's an important one, just reading it out loud in the opposite tone you intended can make us suddenly realize that, wow, we were in our own heads and that may not be as clear as I meant. And then they fix it. There's a couple examples that illustrate this very much.

28:58So the first one, you were talking about publishing. We talk about music publishing for a second. Ask the drummer how much they get in music publishing, right? You don't get any money as a drummer, right? unless you get added in to one of the writers of the songs. The melody lines and the lyrics get the money. So that settles the tapping of a pen and how that works. And then the other thing is, I've been seeing a lot of articles lately, and because I am on TikTok, I see a lot of how the younger kids interact, and they hate, Gen Z hates the thumbs up. The thumbs up to them is the most sarcastic.

29:42They can't stand it. They see it as, yeah, it's just bad sarcasm. And they want to shove that thumb up everyone's ass. So just to go along with the emojis, yeah, we attribute to them different meanings. And that's why having these open conversations is so useful. because getting everyone on the same page can be really valuable in any relationship because people have different approaches to communication, different ways they're interpreting it. And this is related to emotion too. If there's a potential for misinterpretation, aside from getting your message right, actually be more explicit about it.

30:23Say, I'm excited. As opposed to just assuming the other person gets where you're going with it, spell it out more clearly and you could avoid a whole lot of the misinterpretations that cause a lot of trouble. Another struggle that a lot of our clients face and probably a lot of listeners too is with this rise of productivity and everyone seeking to be as productive as possible, especially as we've moved to a remote and hybrid work environment. We've now sacrificed productivity for actual communication and visibility. And we think we're getting a lot done, but out of sight, out of mind and not communicating well what's going on, we lose that visibility and that we're getting passed over for promotion and frustrated that other people who are less productive seem to be moving ahead of us in the workforce.

31:09So what are some strategies that we can utilize around virtual communication to showcase some of the productivity in a more meaningful way and increase our visibility so we don't fall into that trap of being out of sight and being judged as a negative, not getting work done? Yeah, I could probably talk about this topic for an hour by itself, but let me give like the key things here. The parallel I like to give is, you know, there's like the old saying that I'm going to mess up, but if a tree falls in the forest or woods and there's no one there to hear it, did it actually make a sound? It's kind of the same thing for a remote worker is if a remote worker does a really good job on a task, but no one's heard about it, did they actually complete the task?

31:49So this means that communication is even more important when you're interacting with someone from a distance. If you have a manager walking around, they can see what you're doing. You don't have to communicate it to them. If you have a relationship with someone and you're in person, they could see how engaged you are in the conversation. You don't have to communicate it to them. But when we're interacting with others at a distance, we need to provide that information. Communication ends up being the filter through which people see your effort and see your engagement in any interaction. So that communication is key.

32:26One trick that I like to highlight that's pretty simple and doesn't really require extra effort is thinking about that you want to seem present. And let me compare two different people. And I'll use a work example for the moment. There's two employees. One communicates every week they send their manager on Friday afternoon a five-paragraph-long email about what they did for the week. The other employee, at the end of each day, sends their manager a few sentences email about what they did for that day. Which employee do you feel like will feel more present and more productive to that manager? It's the one who sends their manager a few sentences each day.

33:07And here's the thing. That employee is not necessarily any more productive. In fact, both employees sent the exact same amount of communication. right we got our we got a few paragraphs versus a few sentences one day one day a week versus a few sentences each day a week so the absolute amount of communication didn't change but the frequency did and by showing that hey i'm here today i did something today that creates this perception on the other side that the person was more active and it's unfortunate that this is necessary you know if i was just talking to leaders i can provide recommendations about how to avoid this need for productivity theater.

33:47But for all of us who aren't CEOs, the unfortunate truth of it is, is that everyone enjoys a little bit of theater. And the only way in many cases that managers, friends, whoever else can understand your engagement when you're not physically in person is in the way you communicate with them. And those outcomes, especially when they're collaborative, they're hard to determine who played what role and how much effort was put in by everyone. So in that absence of communication, I know for a lot of our introverts, they're like, oh man, I got to send an email every day. I'm trying to avoid communicating.

34:23Well, you're actually killing the visibility that leads to getting ahead that allows that collaborative effort you put in on that outcome to actually shine through for leadership to make the promotion, to make the recommendation. When people aren't in person, there's an illusion that they're working harder. This is called often the FaceTime bias. And there's this idea that when people see people working or see people in the office, they assume they're working harder, even though that's not necessarily true. There's a fun study on the input bias, where they had people evaluate one of two different presentations.

34:59In one of the cases, they heard this presentation, the person spent over eight hours making it. For the other set of people they heard, they only spent about 20 minutes making this presentation. And participants in the study, the evaluators rated when they heard the person's the presentation that the person spent over eight hours preparing, they rated that as better than the one they heard the person spent only 20 minutes preparing. But it was the same presentation. And this is the thing, which employee do you want? Or which person do you want? The one who gets the job done in 20 minutes or the one who takes over eight hours.

35:33But we reward the person who took over eight hours because it seems better because they put so much effort into it. And we're not really good at objectively evaluating things that for the most part don't have clear numbers about what makes it better or worse. So it's not so much that in person makes people work harder or that it makes them more productive. It's just people, managers, they can feel like they can observe it. So it makes them more confident in their ability to evaluate others, even when they may be biased in those evaluations.

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39:08Visit rexmd.com slash charm. That's rexmd.com slash charm. See full details and usage at rexmd.com. Prescription required. Results may vary. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. When your computer breaks, you don't wait for it to magically start working again. You fix the problem. So why wait to hire the people your company desperately needs? Use Indeed's sponsored jobs to hire top talent fast. And even better, you only pay for results. There's no need to wait. Speed up your hiring with a$75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com slash podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Now, a blind spot that comes up around that frequent communication, especially for our clients who have bosses, and then we can talk about reaching out to strangers, is this belief that, oh, it's the boss.

40:06they're so busy, they don't want to be bothered with my daily email. They don't want to be bothered with my daily message. And then that also goes to, well, that stranger is so busy, I can't reach out to them and make a request or ask something of them. So we choose not to send that message. And it's, again, robbing our visibility. So how do we actually start to level the playing field so we're not in this hierarchy, assuming people are too busy for this communication? One of my colleagues here, actually, the University of Texas has done some research on this. And they've shown that people overestimate how awkward it is to reach out to more distant contacts.

40:44And then, you know, they do it. And then after the fact, they're like, well, how awkward was it actually? And they're like, oh, it was far better than I thought. And they asked the second question too, is what mode is best and which one's most awkward? And generally, people tended to feel that email would have been the least awkward, You know, phones next more awkward and then video in person is the most awkward because it's richer, it feels weirder, whereas email feels much lower stakes. And what they found was that participants indicated that afterwards, phone, video in person weren't any more awkward than email, actually, even though they predicted they would be.

41:22But interestingly, in the context of connecting with an old friend or colleague, visual interactions. So video in person didn't end up adding anything beyond phone. So the idea here is just the big jump was moving from asynchronous email to synchronous phone. And then moving to video call actually didn't add to anything in those conversations about how much they felt they gained from it, how much trust they built. So sometimes just picking up the phone can be one of the best things you can do. I wouldn't recommend necessarily cold calling people because you're You're going to feel like you're interrupting them, but maybe sending a quick text saying, I'd love to catch up over phone.

42:01Do you have a few minutes in the next few weeks? I'd be great to chat. Can be a lower stakes way than kind of forcing a video call where they have to be sitting in their office. And leading with that text, but having the richer interaction can help to strengthen that relationship. For a lot of the cold outreach, the type of message you send has a huge impact. And I was recently working with one of our clients who was putting together some messaging seeking investors, and he got a database of some people he was basically cold outreaching to, some real stretches in there. And as he sent out dozens and dozens of messages, he actually accidentally sent one to a billionaire who owned a massive building that he was hoping to reach.

42:44He was hoping to get someone else on his team, but he actually sent it directly to the billionaire. And within minutes, the billionaire responded. and I find that so often the people who are the the most successful the busiest actually get less of those messages because of this bias where everyone assumes they're too busy I'm not going to message them but if you actually follow through you're more likely to get that quick response and it's sort of counterintuitive but a lot of the really busy successful people they have EAs who can very quickly go through their email discern hey this is an opportunity make a quick recommendation that they actually reply.

43:19So you're actually doing yourself a disservice by assuming that person's too busy for this communication. We had done a podcast with Ben from The Buried Life and here's him and his boys on MTV getting a show playing basketball with Obama and doing all these outrageous stunts. And their whole bit about that was just, they would start with just sending some random emails to folks. Here's what we're doing. Here's what we'd like to do. Would you like to be a part of this? And they were always blown away by the amount of people that actually responded and were like, Hey, this, this sounds rad. And would always be surprised of who was, who was so difficult to get in touch with.

44:06And it was always a mind blower from them. And we had some fun discussing that with them. So another example of how that proves out. Yeah. So what does the science say around that bias that we have or the blind spot that we have around people being too busy to respond? And then what are the most effective messages to break through that noise? One of the key, one example that's coming to mind too, is some research on reaching out to people who could use support. So maybe someone's going through something really bad with their family or they've got cancer or something else. But the research has found is that people often feel uncomfortable doing that because they feel awkward.

44:45They think the other person won't necessarily appreciate them reaching out of the blue. And it turns out that we're all completely wrong about that on average. And when you reach out to someone who could use some support, it turns out that they really appreciate it. And that can make a really big difference. Because so often, so many people are afraid to reach out that it can be very isolating when you end up in one of those situations. Even if it's someone you're really distantly connected to, that can make a huge difference in the relationship. And then that is a great way too to like strengthen that bond, strengthen that relationship while doing something nice.

45:20Now, in terms of the messages, just moving more broadly, whether it's when you need support or you want a business opportunity, the big thing is that people on the other side make assessments based on the effort you put into the interaction. So in my own research, I've shown that people will tend to discount email as inauthentic because it is so low effort. Whereas higher levels of communication, whether that's phone or even better video in person, it seems higher effort on your part. Whether or not they want to engage in that joint effort with you is a different question. And the other big thing is you want to make sure to personalize your communication.

45:58I get so many emails from all over the world that are either completely formed template that do not mention anything personal about me that were sent out to like 2000 plus professors. You know, I get an email from someone who's from some random country who's studying healthcare and nothing related to my research. And they're like, I would love to come to your school to collaborate with you. And like, clearly you haven't researched that. And the new thing, of course, is AI. we had a high school student who reached out to my to my department or everyone in my department actually asking to do research and the message was clearly written by ai uh and it was you know it was dear professor one line about one of your papers form email and one of us mentioned it to the other person our department and we all got the same ai basically form email to every single one of us.

46:52And the problem with this is if we're going to work with someone, we want to be someone who's really motivated, interested in our kind of research. We don't want them throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks. So making sure that your message is truly personalized, especially if you're going to someone big or someone important, is going to be what gets you through the filter. And actionable. You know, I find oftentimes we put so much effort in trying to explain what it is that we are and our credentials and why we need them and why we're hoping to connect with them and what the similarities are.

47:26And then we forget the most important part, which is like, what is the simple action that the receiver of this message can take, who's time starved and busy to move things forward? And I'm in the same boat. I know Johnny is too. We see emails all the time. Dear bracket name, bracket comma. All right, here's our pitch. And then there's no action. There's no call to action or something specific and simple that I can say yes or no to. Okay. A five minute call or a two minute demo time and time again, it's a lot of fluff around why they want to talk to us. I heard this thing on the podcast. My AI transcriber said, reach out to you because of this.

48:06But there's no clear action for me to take. And then it just goes into the recycling bin and I'm onto the next email and trying to get to inbox zero. So one of the key lessons that we always share with our clients who are trying to break through the noise in this environment is, hey, keep brevity at the front of this email around what's the connecting point, and then make sure the action that the person can take to help you is clear. It's not picking their brain. It's not hours of effort on their end, or it's not nebulous for them to figure out. and there's good strategies related called which i'm guessing you two probably talked about the foot in the door technique which is you start with a small request and especially for people who are busy they're not going to want to do something huge initially but just getting a small initial connection where they give something small to you whether it's a little bit of time or a little bit of something that opens the door to a bigger relationship to bigger requests because now they feel like one they've helped you they know you but now they sunk time into this relationship so it has more value to them than someone just emailing them out of the blue.

49:10Yeah, and those relationships build when you actually respond to how their response helped you, impacted you, what changed, what you tried, what you applied. That actually leads to mentorship. And so many of my mentorship opportunities, both being mentored and then mentoring others, started with very small requests that led to, hey, you took initiative, You took action. My advice actually helped you in some way. So let's keep trading information. Let's keep developing this relationship. And now they've become lifelong mentors through a very simple ask in the beginning. And one of the hesitations I often see with people wanting to ask for advice is their concern is going to make them look incompetent, that they're asking for something to make them seem low power.

49:58What studies at Harvard have actually shown is that asking for advice makes you seem more rather than less competent. The reason being is that on the receiver side, you're basically flattering them by saying, oh, you're the expert, I wanna come to you. And the receiver's also like, wow, this person has a really good head on their shoulders that they know the best person to come to for advice, right? Like they know just who to ask here. So in those ways, it actually can make you seem more rather than less competent when you're engaging those kinds of interactions, which is the fear that many people have is it's going to make them look bad for us getting in the first place.

50:34Specificity here is also really helpful. So for a lot of professors, authors, content creators, who've probably done a video on that or written a book on that or an article on that, for you to ask a very surface level question that shows you didn't take the time to consume what they already put out there and ask their time to help you specifically, that's actually going to have a lower likelihood of succeeding. But if you tell me that you listen intently to this toolbox episode and this one part, I said something that grabbed you that you'd like a little clarification on. I'm much more inclined to respond to you because you've shown that you put in the time and the effort to solve this for yourself or find the answer.

51:13And we find so many times we're getting general questions that, well, we covered that 10 episodes ago. It's publicly available if you just checked out the YouTube channel. And knowing that the value goes to the person that you're asking the favor or the request of, I like to inflate it a bit or inflate them a bit, knowing how that works. So, hey, I'm coming to you because I really appreciate your perspective on things and I'm looking forward to hear what you have to say about this. Here's the question I have, which even makes them even more excited to answer or to help you out.

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52:53You want to do it all. So, want to drive? CarMax. Pickup not available everywhere. Restrictions and fee may apply. Bring this all back to virtual communication. One of the tips I have that's also related to perspective taking, I would say 99 % of the meeting invites I get, no one ever asks me how I want to meet. I either get a video invite, I get a phone invite, or the person just assumes we're defaulting to email. This happened a lot with reporters for the book. Some of them wanted to talk on the phone. Some of them wanted to email me 20 questions that I would answer over email. And the thing is, I have a strong preference.

53:31And so do most people. And one of the easiest strategies that people so often miss when making these new connections, or just interacting with everyone is one, yes, in ongoing teams and relationships, it's good to kind of strategize, figure out what's the most productive mode or the best mode. But sometimes just asking another person like, hey, how'd you prefer to do this? Like I can do email, phone, video, happy to do whatever's best for you can be extremely successful strategy because one, you're communicating on their terms. So they're gonna be more willing to communicate with you because you do it in the way they want.

54:07And two, by just showing you care more about their preferences, it shows you care about the relationship. It signals there that, hey, I care about this relationship because I'm going to do it in the way that you want to, what's best for you. Because the same thing isn't everyone's favorite. We've also seen that bias to everyone's too busy to respond hurt the relationships that have fallen to the wayside. We understand that things get in the way. Maybe you started a family. Maybe you moved to a new location or you got a new job, and then you didn't keep up your communication with a relationship that's important to you.

54:43And it feels often the longer you go without that communication, the harder it is to reinitiate. So what does science say around reinitiating those relationships through communication? And what are some strategies our listeners can do right now with those relationships that I know we all have in our phone? Well, first is we tend to think that other person won't value the communication as much, especially when it comes to these friendships and relationships. You think it'll be intrusive. It'll be awkward. In reality, people, it's nice when you show that you care about the other person, right? When someone messages me who I knew or lost connection with and they're like, hey, you know, I was just thinking about you, you know, be great to reconnect.

55:23I don't have any, you know, I don't need anything. I just, you know, would love to hear your voice or, you know, I'd love to hear what you've been up to. that can really show that you care about the relationship. A fun example of during COVID, LeBron James texted his teammates, miss you guys, can't wait to get back on the floor with you guys, finish what we started. And like, that was big for his teammates. They were talking about it during interviews afterwards. And sometimes just that little touch can be really meaningful when it comes to those interactions. It's also challenging then to pick up the communication thereafter.

56:01You know, sometimes it feels good to send that I'm thinking of you, but then how do we actually get that person back in communication? I think at that point, you could just say, I'd love to talk to you on the phone. You know, I'm flexible. Is there, you know, anytime? I just want to catch up here, what you've been up to. Just trying to use a foot, again, this foot in the door. We start with a small interaction, something that doesn't interrupt what they're doing, a text message or an email. and then just asking for that richer interaction and making it clear. And if we're talking about the context of an existing relationship, making it clear that you just wanna reconnect.

56:36If we're talking about a cold contact, then it's all those things we already discussed. You wanna make sure it's personal. You wanna make sure it's not something you can just find on Google or by reading their existing content. You wanna make it clear that you wanna talk to this person for a reason. It is you I wanna talk to. and the one caveat I want to add to all this advice about asking for advice is that there's an important buyer's beware. If you go to someone, you ask for something, whether that's advice, whether that's an investment, and you end up not taking it, it can really harm the relationship.

57:15This is that polar opposite of where you're flattering someone by asking for their advice. when you don't take their advice, that shows that you, you know, they think, wow, this person doesn't know what they're doing because they don't, you know, I know I'm right and they're not doing it or they don't care about this relationship. And that's one of the quickest ways to burn a bridge. So if you're going to go to someone for something, be ready to take whatever it is or risk ruining that relationship. That's an incredible point. In fact, AJ brings that up a lot when he gets bother for mentor work, but young folks need to know that those people in high value positions, they're probably probable givers and they want to give value.

58:05They want to help people. They want to see folks succeed. However, in giving out a lot of advice, they have seen a lot of people squander it and squander their time. And I know even myself, when people ask me about stuff, I immediately go, are you going to watch this if I give you this? Are you going to listen to this if I give you this? Are you going to do this if I give you this? Because if you're not, I'm not interested. And they're like, oh no, oh yeah, right away. Absolutely. Okay. I'll do that all day long, but I'm not interested in entertaining you if you're not going to participate in this.

58:50And so when you put yourself out there and you don't get the response that you are hoping for, keep trying, let them know that you're incredibly engaged and interested because no might be a default just because of how these people have been treated in the past and how their advice and mentorship had fallen on deaf ears. Not to date ourselves too much, but many of our audience members and clients have expressed frustration to us as well around the death of the water cooler. When I went into my first office job, there was a lot of downtime with my peers where we weren't actually doing the work, but we were engaging in camaraderie and conversation that built and strengthened relationships.

59:35And it seems and it feels in in virtual environments now that's disappeared. And with that, we feel less ties to our peers and our colleagues at work. What can we do through virtual communication to start to bring back the water cooler and nurture these relationships as they're so impactful on our career? I talk to a lot of leaders about culture and org culture and remote work. And there's a lot of things that are happening simultaneously that is not solely due to the remoteness. I see a lot of leaders taking what I call the house arrest approach to fixing culture. So for those who aren't familiar, House Arrest is a movie from a couple of decades ago, where basically these parents were divorcing.

1:00:16So what their kids decided to do is to lock them in a basement until they reconcile. And of course, because it's Hollywood, it worked out all fine and dandy. But in real life, what ends up happening, you lock people who are divorcing into each other into a basement, one may not walk out alive. And this is what they're doing in organizations. They're saying, well, our culture is not good. So we're going to force everyone back into the office. And that just doesn't improve culture. But getting this question about how do we add the water cooler back into virtual, how can we get these more spontaneous interactions?

1:00:50What research shows is that one of the best ways to do this is short video interactions with fewer people. There's a lot of teams, I've seen a lot of organizations where they have these like three hour long brainstorming planning meetings with like a large group of people. And that is absolutely one of the worst things you can do for building culture for building engagement. The meetings that people are in the interaction people are most engaged and most willing to engage in this kind of small talk in shorter meetings, fewer people. Those are the ones where you get those good interactions in there.

1:01:29And the other step is just being a little bit more intentional about it. Just because something doesn't, those conversations don't happen as naturally virtually, doesn't mean that you can't incite them. Just asking someone saying, hey, I'm working on this at the moment. I was curious, are you doing anything related? I'd love to get your thoughts on this. You just have to be a little bit more intentional about it. You have to take that initiative. So that's like that second part of the ping framework there. Taking the initiative to just engage in that small talk, to ask those questions, can fill them back in.

1:02:00You know, there's nothing stopping you from having those conversations just because they don't happen as naturally. You mentioned nonverbals in virtual communication. And I think so many of our audience members come to us for nonverbals in person communication. What should I do with my hands and how can I be more warm? What should we be thinking about virtually around our nonverbal communication and being more effective? First, it's good to learn all the different cues, what they mean, how people interpret them. But if I'm going to give you the quick answer, the one piece of advice that I often recommend, and this is in respect to the question I often get is, should I use emojis?

1:02:35Should I not use emojis? And the research on this is mixed. Sometimes some of these things are good. Sometimes they're bad. But one thing is clear is a good strategy is something called language mimicry. So if they use emojis, use them too. If they use exclamation marks, use them too. If they use certain business jargon, you use that kind of thing too. If some other person is using a certain mode of communication, use that too. And the reason this strategy is so effective is twofold. One, we all think we communicate the right way. So when someone communicates like us, then we're like, oh, they're a good communicator.

1:03:15And the other side of that is we trust those who are similar to us. So when someone communicates in a way we understand that we're familiar with, then we tend to trust them more. The two footnotes with this though is one, don't overdo it. If you engage in the schema like Simon Says where you're copying everything they do, that will backfire. And two is if you're very high power, don't try and mimic someone who's low power because that just comes off as really cringy and bad. But the central point behind this is take your cues from the other person, see what they're doing and then try and implement them yourself.

1:03:52And that's the safest route you can take if you haven't really done a deep dive into kind of the research and science and all this stuff. Well, thank you for this wonderful virtual conversation. Where can our audience find out more about your book and the research that you do? Yeah, my book, Ping, The Secrets of Successful Virtual Communication, is available wherever books are sold. My company, Ping Group, on our website, pingroup.org. We have additional free resources, so communication styles tests, team norming tools for communication. getting to what we talked about. And yeah, those are my two most common resources.

1:04:27And you can find me on LinkedIn as well. Thank you for joining us. Great. Thanks for having these great conversation.

1:04:44And now comes part of the show where we showcase one of our X Factor accelerator members. Take it away, Jack. Hi, my name is Jack from Colorado. I decided to join X Factor Accelerator when I was stuck in a rut and was seeking accountability I needed to reach my potential and consistently pursue my values. I found like-minded, similarly ambitious people, and each week we drive each other to be better. If you are on the fence about joining, I encourage you to count to three and just do it because no life-changing decisions are made on the fence. Thank you, Jack. It was a pleasure and an honor working with you two and good luck to you and all of your future endeavors.

1:05:25If you've gotten value out of this or any of our podcasts, head on over to your favorite podcast player and rate and review this show. It means the world to us and helps others find the show. Before we head out, a huge thank you to our producers, Michael Harold and Eric Montgomery. Until next week, go out there and make it epic.

1:06:41We'll be right back.

1:06:52We'll see you next time.

1:07:11even tea time, tea time, tea time you. So update on Dave. It's up to you. We'll take the laundry. Rinse. It's time to be great. Every minute your finance team spends wrestling with data is a minute lost. Insight Software's AI-powered insights instantly move you from complexity to clarity. Automated analysis, real-time reporting, strategic recommendations, all at your fingertips. Transform how your finance team works and watch your business grow. Stop wasting time. Start making smarter decisions. Learn more at insightsoftware.com.ai

From the publisher

In a world where remote work, Slack threads, and Zoom fatigue dominate, The Art of Charm welcomes Andrew Brodsky, management professor at UT Austin and author of Ping: The Secrets of Successful Virtual Communication.

This episode is a masterclass in how to reclaim productivity, enhance visibility, and communicate strategically in a virtual-first world. Andrew introduces the PING Framework — a practical toolkit for navigating digital communication with precision, warmth, and power.

If you're feeling drained by back-to-back video calls, unclear on how to network virtually, or unsure how to make your contributions seen and respected — this episode offers the clarity you've been craving.

What to Listen For
[00:00:00] The one question almost no one asks that instantly improves meetings
[00:04:39] Media richness, cue variety, and why Zoom still feels awkward
[00:11:43] Introducing the PING Framework: Perspective, Initiative, Nonverbal, Goals
[00:16:44] How to create communication boundaries and stop feeling “always on”
[00:25:43] Generational differences and why Gen Z hates the thumbs-up emoji
[00:29:05] The visibility trap of remote work and how to build presence
[00:35:25] Cold messaging: why successful people are more likely to respond than you think
[00:44:03] Why asking for advice increases perceived competence — not weakness
[00:48:54] How to rekindle faded relationships without making it weird
[00:53:47] Bringing back the “virtual water cooler”
[00:57:53] Mimicry and digital nonverbal cues that build instant trust

Episode Takeaways:

Stop defaulting to email or video — ask how people prefer to communicate. It’s a subtle power move that builds trust fast.

Productivity ≠ Visibility. If no one knows what you’re doing, it doesn’t count.

The people you look up to are getting fewer cold messages than you think. Stand out with brevity, specificity, and a simple ask.

Remote communication is not inferior — it’s different. Use the PING Framework (Perspective, Initiative, Nonverbal, Goals) to choose the best format for your message.

Want better work-life balance? Define communication norms with your team.

A thoughtful reconnection text can mean more than you think.

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Resources from this Episode
Ping: The Secrets of Successful Virtual Communication
Andrew Brodsky’s website
Ping Group’s website

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