Playing It Safe Holds You Back | Elizabeth Weingarten

25:40Visit rexmd.com slash charm. That's rexmd.com slash charm. See full details and usage at rexmd.com. Prescription required. Results may vary. Rinse takes your laundry and hand delivers it to your door. Expertly cleaned and folded. So you could take the time once spent folding and sorting and waiting to finally pursue a whole new version of you. Like tea time you. Or this tea time you. Or even this tea time you. So did you hear about Dave? Or even tea time, tea time, tea time you. So update on Dave. It's up to you. We'll take the laundry. Rinse. It's time to be great. Is because they were more attached to how they lived for thousands of years before everything started to pick up and speed up.

26:31And of course, patience is one of those things because you had nothing but all day to sit around and think about things or go off and put yourself in a cave for a few months and wander and journal. This is something that I still do to this day that always revitalizes my creative spirit, which is I want to put myself in things that are awe-inspiring, that are astonishing, that I don't see very often, and then just start journaling. I have a notes page on my phone that has been open for years that is only for stream of consciousness. And to me, that connects me to how those guys wrote. And of course, they did a lot of editing and they took the best from that.

27:16But in that stream of consciousness, of years, of notes, those lessons go into our workshops. Those lessons end up as content. Those lessons end up as song ideas. And I'm sure when I hit the season of my life where I'm writing more or looking to at least accomplish a book, those ideas are going to be in there too, if not the central idea coming from that tab. I love that. And I think it gets at that experience too. Like I hear the energy in your voice, right? Like it's, it's so invigorating and going back to that feeling of like, it's like the opposite of feeling stuck, right? It's like all of a sudden you have this momentum and this sense of I'm going places.

28:06Like I have, things are flowing through me. with our emotions, we have our primary and secondary emotions. And for people who don't experience art in the way that I do, or think of it in the terms that I do, they're missing out on exploring emotions that they've never felt before. And one day, maybe those emotions will strike up being put in the right circumstance for that to happen. But unless you're actively exploring those emotions through art, you will never experience some of those. And for me, my favorite philosophy, I love having paradigm shifts when I read a line that blows the doors wide open to the rest of my whole world in an instant.

28:54That's amazing. That's addictive. That's like being what I would call a modern literature psychonaut. But music is my main driver for that is my main instrument. And certainly I've played some wild stuff for AJ that might check this out. He's like, holy cow, like what's even going on in this room at this moment. And I love searching those things, things out. But again, the, the, that, those emotions that you feel during some of those explorations, you might never experience that again in your life. And there's this other idea that, and certainly I felt the same emotions maybe on a mushroom trip, right?

29:44And that's an induced, right? You're inducing that in yourself. Now the way I think about it is if you can induce those emotions through a psychotropic, psychedelic experience, wouldn't that stop you from seeking that out through art? And if so, you're doing yourself a tremendous disservice. What I think about too, and this was part of what you were maybe getting at in the beginning, is like this question that you get from people who are clients or folks that you interact with, how do you start, right? Like, you know, say you're not a musician, say you're not somebody who even thinks of yourself as a creative person.

30:26And what does this look like? And so part of the reason that in the book, I give people the idea of developing a questions practice. And so this is a way I think to start to really be the creator or the author of these big questions in your life, which actually leads to, I think, Johnny, some of that reflection and some of the kind of taking lots of notes and like ideas flowing that you were describing. But a big part of it is, okay, if we're going to change the relationship that we have to our questions, to this, you know, uncertainty in our life, well, we need to spend time with those questions.

31:02We need to get to know them just the way that you would need to get to know a person. And so what I have in the book is really a set of a set of guided reflections and like a questions map to kind of help lead you through the darkness, so to speak, right, of like that uncertainty that you might be experiencing, not necessarily guiding you to answers, but to but to clarity and kind of, you know, to your point, being able to access and feel your emotions in a clear way. And also fundamentally, and like part of what I hear you talking about too, is, you know, getting curious about what you're experiencing versus it feeling just like this, you know, sense of anxiety or like lead, you know, like holding you back.

31:46But how do you really, maybe it's using an experience of awe, right? And like using that to kind of start the flow. But I think, you know, maybe even if you're not in some kind of awe inspiring environment, there's a way to start to get curious about the questions that you're asking and to fundamentally exercise your creativity in figuring out, are these the right questions? And how do I know that they're the right questions? And if they're not, how do I change them so that I'm actually opening myself up to more possibilities in my life? I think in that impatience, it's hard to then tune into our intuition.

32:21And that's why I'd love to walk through the questions map and help guide our audience a bit because it oftentimes feels like, well, which of these questions should I be holding on to and serve me and which ones are gnawing at me, but actually are keeping me stuck? The first step is, and this is kind of all laid out on the map. It's like once you kind of identify, all right, like what type of question am I asking? It's to look at this question and you know what, let's even back up a step further than that. You might not know what question you're asking, right? Like all you know is that you feel kind of anxious and you're nervous about something or you have some type of feeling.

32:57Usually, you know, for a lot of people, it's anxiety, but it could be just like fear. And it's like kind of you're maybe not even fully aware of the question that's behind it. But I think the first part is starting with that emotion, starting with that experience that you're having and trying to get curious about like, OK, what is what is the question that's behind this? And I think a lot of times the questions that we're asking are like, you know, what if this happens? Or, you know, it's like a fear about maybe something happening in the future and you're not sure, you know, what that's going to be.

33:30Or maybe it's a question, you know, the question that I was asking at the beginning of the book was, should I get a divorce? So a lot of times we're asking binary questions. And the first step of the questions practice is, you know, A, figuring out what is the question that you're asking. But then B, is this the right question? And what I mean by that is if you're asking a binary question or you're asking a should question, you're asking a question that maybe is less about you and more about the expectations that other people have of you, that's probably not going to be the right question for you.

34:06Because what I've learned about what makes something the right or the wrong question is, A, the right question is one that's going to open you up to lots of different possible futures, possible experiences in your life. So that's not a binary question. That's a question like for me, the question that I was asking changed from should I get a divorce to how would I stay in relationship with this person? How might we both have to change in order to stay in this marriage? What would that look like? And this is just an example, but you know, you can see how changing the frame of that question, changing the frame of a question about your career or your identity, all of a sudden you go from having the possible answers be yes or no to kind of an infinite array of possibilities.

34:56So that's kind of step one. Step two is thinking about, as I mentioned, And this question of, is your question one that is what I would call like almost an internal GPS, right? So is it leading you back to who you really are, what you really want and what you really need? Or is it a question? Is it somebody else's question, right? Like, I think a lot of times we internalize particular questions. And then we realize, you know what, that's my mom's question. That's my dad's question. That's, you know, my partner's question. It's not my question. What is my question and what's actually leading me back to what I really want and need.

35:31And then, you know, the last part of it is, is this a dead leaf question, right? Like, is this a question that is keeping me stuck? Or is it a question that's moving me forward and helping me think about possibilities in the future? And I think fundamentally to something to understand when you're discerning, you know, your this question, you know, whether it's the right question for you at the beginning of your practice, like a lot of what makes us anxious about uncertainty is not necessarily not knowing the answer. Sometimes it's thinking that we do know the answer, right? Sometimes it's thinking or being certain that, well, this really bad thing is going to happen, right?

36:10And so it's kind of maybe counterintuitive, but, you know, that this experience of getting comfortable with the questions and getting comfortable with uncertainty can sometimes mean accepting that, hey, maybe a good thing will happen. Maybe something positive, you know, is in store for me in the future versus this is, I'm just looking at a future of kind of doom and that's why I'm feeling really uncomfortable in the moment. So that's, you know, a big part of the start of the practice and we can, you know, obviously go into some of the other steps too. In often these really uncertain moments, there's an identity piece that is holding on and we feel a lot of comfort in that identity, but it might require us shifting or looking at ourselves differently to actually deal with the uncertainty and move forward.

36:57Did that come up for you? And how do we manage and navigate those moments where maybe our identity is not really serving us or it's not who we truly want to be? Because I know for a lot of our audience members, you know, they're in that phase of life where their identity. Next up is a little song from CarMax about selling a car your way. You want to sell those wheels. You want to get a CarMax instant offer. So fast. Want to take a sec to think about it? Or like a month? Want to keep tabs on that instant offer? With OfferWatch. Want to have CarMax pick it up from your driveway? You want to get it done to it?

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38:09It was often shaped by their family's expectations, society's expectations, and now that maybe they've graduated or they've made a career choice and they're recognizing, This isn't who I want to be or what I feel I need to be, but they hold on to that identity because it creates certainty and safety based on past experiences. So you hit on one of the central themes of the book and something that I heard from so many stories of people. I'll tell you one story that really sticks out because it completely changed the way that I think about these moments of identity transition. And this was a woman who I talked to, her name was Barbara Schoen.

38:46And when we meet her, she is in her early 30s. She's a woman who grew up in a working class family in the Midwest. Both of her parents worked and she had the experience of growing up in a home with a lot of love, but not necessarily a lot of feeling like she had a lot of opportunity. and she went to school, graduated high school, and was really lucky enough to land a job where they paid for her to go to college. And so she went to college and was super aware the whole time of how lucky she was, how she didn't expect to have these opportunities in her life, and how she kind of wanted to kind of pay it back someday, but she wasn't sure how.

39:29So she's entering her career. And she's in this role where she has tons of ambition. She's kind of thrust into this kind of like consultant type role. She's traveling across the country, doing things she never thought she was going to be able to do. She's kind of moving up and up. She's super active. She's cycling a lot. So anyway, she has this whole career in front of her. But again, she has this nagging feeling as she's moving up on the corporate ladder that maybe there's something missing. Maybe I need to tap into that. But she doesn't have time, right? She's just, she needs to keep moving forward.

40:05So when she's in her early thirties, she's driving back with her brothers and sisters from a funeral. And it's very snowy. They're, they're in the Midwest in the winter. And, uh, suddenly her, the car kind of skids, it, it flips and Barbara is ejected from the car. she ends up being paralyzed from the waist down. And she, in the weeks after this experience, describes, you know, obviously when you're in that situation, it is one of the, in one of those, you know, uncertain situations that we can possibly be in, right? You have no idea, not only whether you're going to walk again, what type of movement you're going to regain, whether you're going to be independent, but one of the things that she talks about that was so fascinating to me and inspiring was the fact that in that moment, she realized that her identity was going to have to fundamentally change.

41:04All of these things that had made her who she was had shifted. You know, she couldn't ride her bike anymore. She couldn't pursue the same type of career that she thought she was going to pursue. But in that shift of identity, what she said was that she actually counterintuitively found freedom because all of the sudden she didn't have to do this thing that she thought she had to do anymore to prove herself, to be successful. All of the sudden there were more options open to her and she realized, oh, this is actually my chance to give back in the way that I wanted to try to help people who like me didn't have all of the options for education, help them get the resources that they need, which indeed is now what she's doing.

41:52She went back and she got her PhD and she's helping people who have disabilities get access to the resources that they need to live empowered lives. And so what she talked about was this experience of extreme uncertainty, giving her the power to kind of stretch into a new identity, to kind of find a different kind of freedom. And so I think about that. When I think about that experience, I think of a feeling like you're locked into this identity, but how might that shift for you? It can feel really scary. Is there a mindset shift around like, what could it look like for that to actually be a sense of freedom and possibility?

42:33Which again, easier said than done. But I think that's where it also can get to what are the types of questions that you can ask that maybe unlock that so that you are also thinking about in that shift in that identity shift not only what am i losing but what am i gaining right like what am i gaining as part of this shift in identity of part of this change because i think it is so easy aj as you're saying to really focus on i'm losing this part of myself right but maybe you're gaining something that's going to be even more kind of empowering to you and oftentimes in those moments our community is tied to that identity.

43:10Family relationships are tied to that identity. So it can feel very scary to leave that identity that has created safety and security for you to then move into what might be a better identity for this chapter or season in your life that will help you through those questions that you're feeling. This is where finding communities of people who are maybe experiencing something similar can be so helpful. You know, I know I talked to several people in the book who were dealing with addiction. And I think that's, you know, a really big example of often groups of people who have had one part of their identity really kind of strongly tied to a behavior, to a group, to, you know, even friends, you know, associating, oh, this is the person that I can always count on to be this type of way in this type of environment.

44:03And to go from, you know, taking that attribute or that behavior and saying, I'm not going to do this anymore. That's really, really hard. And so, you know, I think there's a big reason why folks who I talked to, you know, again and again mentioned, you know, like whether it's 12 step groups or other groups of people who are kind of sharing in that identity shift being so meaningful. And I think, you know, in a different example, for me being parts of groups of new parents, right, has been tremendously helpful because so many of us are going through that identity shift together. And so it's not necessarily like, okay, you know, I think a lot of it is feeling a little bit like going back to patience, right?

44:45Like we don't have to do it all at once, right? Maybe you're feeling that sense of, okay, my identity is changing or I want my identity to change, but we, it's not something that can happen overnight. And so how do you kind of use community and surround yourself with people that are experiencing that too, but to kind of let go of that sense of urgency, right? Of I need to change right now and instead kind of find a little patience with it and know that that will come and that, you know, if you surround yourself with community, it's going to be maybe not any less, you know, it's always going to be challenging, but maybe a little bit less lonely and a little bit less painful.

45:22Looking from the map and now recognizing the questions, how do we move to falling in love with the questions and falling out of love with some of these questions that maybe we need to break up with that are holding us back that aren't serving us. The fundamental thing to understand about loving questions is getting back to what it means to have a loving relationship with anyone. So this is something where, you know, as you read more Rilke, that poet that I mentioned earlier that wrote letters to a young poet, Rilke, when he writes about love, he writes about it as the most difficult thing that we do in our lives, most difficult, but also the most rewarding.

46:00And so I think when it comes to loving the questions, it's really about commitment. It's about coming back to your questions practice, about continuing to go through and try to uncover, okay, what is the question I'm asking? Is this the right one? How do I know? There are other questions in the guided reflection that I share with people about how do you find the right community to support you? Kind of what do you need to learn? So there's more there to help you kind of acquaint yourself and find clarity that you need. But I think the love part really comes from the commitment and comes from choosing to stay curious and to stay in that place of kind of being with your question when it's the right question for you, kind of through those seasons versus trying to seize on an answer when that's maybe premature.

46:53her. But, you know, it doesn't mean snapping your fingers and saying, okay, I love you. You know, it's like, it's not, it may not be a love at first sight thing, right? With your question. And that's totally okay. I think it's more of a slow burn and more of an acknowledgement as you develop a practice and you really form a relationship of knowing with your questions that A, you start to become more aware of, oh, there's a question behind this anxiety, right? Like I think the fundamental thing to impart to people too, is that the relationship that we have with uncertainty with the questions is really a reflection of our relationship with ourselves, right?

47:31And so I think loving the questions is another way to talk about loving yourself, frankly, and self-compassion, which when I started writing the book, I cue the eye roll, right? I was always like, whatever, self-compassion, you know, is for the weak, which is totally not true. There's so much research about how it's actually, you know, something that really strong, hardworking people have learned the skill of self-compassion and it leads to all sorts of benefits in your life. But, you know, being able to discern what are these questions that we're asking, what is my relationship with those questions?

48:06How do I form a different one? That's intimately connected with just, you know, how you relate to yourself, right? And so I think those two are totally intertwined, but it starts with just that basic awareness and coming back to it again and again and not ignoring the questions, right? I think we have this tendency to either, okay, I'm just going to get an answer really fast or I'm not going to think about this. I'm going to suppress this. And that's, you know, like in any relationship, right? Like imagine you're talking to your partner and they're trying to talk to you and you're like, I don't have time for you.

48:40All right. The hundredth time you do that, they're going to be pretty frustrated. So it is that kind of, Johnny, do what you're talking about. It's like that, taking that time to reflect, to write, to listen to yourself, to the questions that you're asking, that's ultimately going to lead to that love growing. A big part of it is once you recognize the questions, wrestle them yourself and love yourself more because of those questions, you can create the authenticity that leads to better relationships with others. You can actually level and connect on these deeper parts of you with other people that enriches the relationships in your life, whether they're romantic or social, even career, you know, these questions are present for all of us.

49:21And that's why the map is so helpful to recognize. And in closing, you know, for those who are sitting in that uncertainty now, you know, what is one part of the practice that you would love for them to take with them and action? First of all, you are not alone. As you just said, so many of us are often in these periods of transition and uncertainty, and it's really hard and it's okay for it to be hard. It's hard for all of us. And again, loving the questions means there's room for that. There's room for the challenge and the difficult part of uncertainty. And I think the first step is really to understand what is the question that you're asking right now?

49:59And is it a question that's making you feel hopeful and full of kind of possibilities about your future? Or is it a question that's really narrowing your possibilities, that's making you feel small, a question that's somebody else's question. So I think the first step is really getting clear on what is my question and is it the right question for me? Thank you for joining us and sharing your love of the questions with our audience. Where can they find out more about the book and your work? Yeah, well, thank you so much for having me. It was such a fun conversation. And you can find more about the book on my website, elizabethweingarten.com and would love for folks to follow me on Substack too.

50:37Time Travel for Beginners is my Substack. And Johnny, you'll appreciate there's a lot of philosophy in there. So I'm also a fan. Thank you again for joining us. It's a pleasure. Thank you.

51:21and now comes the part of the show where we showcase one of our x factor accelerator members take it away sean hey my name is sean patrick and i work in sales before joining the x factor accelerator my life was pretty much calling one lead after another cold call cold call cold call thinking beyond a shadow of a doubt that just my results and my activity and my coming in early, leaving late, going above and beyond would be the thing that got me to the next level. I decided to join the X Factor Accelerator because it just wasn't the case. Leaving the region month in, month out didn't matter as much as trying to get to know the end group trying to find out who those people were my favorite part about it work about working with art of charm has been helping me understand that i can quickly relay my values and find other people's values very quickly as well uh get to know them on a deep level in a very limited amount of time it's really helped me greatly like uh people i thought were my sworn enemies have become some of my best friends and supporters people that i thought didn't care about me at all have been people that talk about me in rooms of influence that I am not in.

52:38I'm looking forward to where the next step takes me with this newfound perspective, honestly. And if you're debating about joining, especially if you're considering it for, you know, things are working okay, things are working fine, I'm all right. Sure, you are. But are you really focused on the right things? Just okay is fine. And I'd rather be more than fine. And I bet you would too. Thank you, Sean. It was an honor and a pleasure working with you too. And good luck to you and all of your future endeavors. Yeah, I remember you. You were the bad boy. You threw your love away. Like you were just a toy.

53:22And you sold the world. You're a song of a tragedy. Cause you had your taste Of black only yesterday Yeah, but I remember you Oh yeah, I remember you In my life But I found you all the way