Talk To Anyone Anywhere. Breaking The Ice (Toolbox)

0:28You know why you're tired all the time? talking or even using my camera. Stuff is built to intake information quickly in whatever form you think in and turn it into actionable tasks right away. Lists and stuff are built like completable projects. So that book you want to write, that business you want to start, or that trip you want to plan starts to take form inside stuff, step by step. The magic is it gets exponentially more powerful the more you feed into it. Download stuff today. Start brain dumping and organizing your tasks and feel the freedom of an uncluttered brain. Download stuff for free today by going to trystuff.app.

1:04That's T-R-Y S-T-U-F-F dot A-P-P. Or simply by searching stuff, S-T-U-F-F in the App Store and to enjoy everything stuff has to offer. You can get 50 % off your first year of extra stuff by using code charm at checkout. Get stuff done and start closing your open loops. Download stuff from the app store today. Holiday season, travel, gifts, hosting. It's easy to lose sight of your money this time of year. I saw all the travel and gift expenses adding up and it was a wake-up call made me stop and adjust my spending before the credit card bill arrived. If you want to keep your finances under control this holiday season, you need to be using Monarch.

1:44Rated Wall Street Journal's best budgeting app of 2025, Monarch is the all-in-one personal finance tool that brings your entire financial life together in one clean interface on your laptop or your phone. And right now just for our listeners, Monarch is offering 50 % off your first year. I'm checking my holiday spending category to make sure I don't start the new year with a debt hangover. You can link everything, investments, 401ks, property value, get your true net worth and stay on top of your year-end priorities. Monarch does the heavy lifting. Link all of your accounts in minutes, clear data visuals, smart categorization.

2:18You'll never touch another spreadsheet again. Don't let financial opportunities slip through the cracks. Use code charm at monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50 % off your first year at monarch.com with code charm. Hey there, Art of Charm fans. Do you ever feel like you're stuck in a rut? Like no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to make real progress towards your personal and professional goals. If you're serious about unlocking your full potential, then it's time to ignite your X-Factor with the Art of Charm X-Factor Accelerator. Discover our secret weapon designed exclusively for driven individuals just like you who demand more from life and are eager to elevate their skills and mindset.

2:59We'll laser focus on connection, mindset, and relationships to build the life you deserve. Whether you're on a mission to forge unbreakable bonds with colleagues, clients, potential partners, or hungry to cultivate a relentless growth mindset that empowers you to conquer challenges and taste success, the X Factor Accelerator community is your ultimate ally. Experience tailor-made guidance and unwavering support as you triumph in every sphere of your life. Inside the X Factor Accelerator, your dating life will be transformed. Master the art of building deep connections, radiate unshakable confidence, and attract the relationship of your dreams.

3:32Don't resign yourself to mediocrity. See as the opportunity to join the X Factor Accelerator today and unleash your true potential. Your transformation is our mission. Are you ready to take the leap? Are you ready to discover your X Factor and become extraordinary? visit unlockyourxfactor.com and embark on a journey towards elite level social skills that will skyrocket your career, personal life, and relationships. Remember, the key to greatness lies in your hands, and it starts with your X Factor. Become extraordinary at unlockyourxfactor.com today. Welcome to the Art of Charm podcast, where we break down the science of powerful communication and winning mindsets so you have the cheat code to succeed with people.

4:15Every episode is jam-packed with actionable steps to unlock the hidden superpowers inside of you. Level up with us each week by listening to interviews with the best in business, psychology, and relationships. We distill thousands of hours of research into the most effective tools and the latest science so you can start winning today. Let's face it. In order to be seen and heard, your communication needs to cut through the noise. And we're going to show you how. I'm AJ, successfully recovered introvert, entrepreneur, and self-development junkie. And I'm Johnny Zubak, former touring musician, promoter, rock and roller, and co-founder here at The Art of Charm.

4:49And for the last 15 years, we've trained thousands of top performers and teams from every background. We have dedicated our lives to teaching men and women all they need to know about communication, networking, and relationships. You shouldn't have to settle for anything less than extraordinary. Today's Toolbox episode is how to break the ice and win people over fast. AJ and Michael join me today to discuss why the ability to talk to anyone is a true superpower in the age of AI, how to get anyone's attention and start interesting conversations. We also share our conversation formula so you never run out of things to say and the secret to capturing attention and becoming memorable in conversation.

5:34All right, today's Toolbox episode is about breaking the ice. And I have Johnny and Michael here joining me. This is one of our favorite topics inside our X Factor Accelerator program. And one of the main reasons that a lot of our clients join us, to be more memorable in conversations, not just with friends and family and coworkers, but with strangers. And I like to say that every great relationship in your life starts with a conversation. So today we're going to talk about how to start those great conversations that can potentially take a stranger to a relationship in your life. There's three points that we are looking at here, and it is approach somebody new, start up a conversation, and be memorable.

6:19That's the goal of this. and for myself, I didn't realize there was so much fun science behind those three aspects of this, and we're going to be discussing them today. And it can also be a lot of fun for some people. If you ask them if they're introverted, extroverted, ambivert, and they're going to say one of those and with each one of those labels comes a preconceived notion for the person they're telling to and for themselves to identify that with how they interact socially. And for some people who might seem who would identify themselves as introverted, they probably go out to a social engagement, talk to the few friends that they know are going to be there, but don't venture outside of that too much.

7:12The extroverted person will identify with going to that event, probably chatting with a lot of people, their friends and bouncing around. And the ambivert person, if the planets and stars align, maybe they'll be a little bit more extroverted than normal. But they'll chat with some friends. And if some new people come into the group, perhaps they'll chat with those folks as well. Now, one of the important things here is that new opportunities come with building out your network. And with every new conversation you have, you have the potential to open new doors and to build bridges to new relationships.

7:57All of these things are connected. So for such a simple idea as approach somebody new, start up a conversation, be memorable, we're going to dive in and gamify this a bit so that you'll have some internal points to think about. but also a new view of these three things to make it fun so that when you do go, if you are an introvert, perhaps you'll think about some of these concepts and put them into play and test them out. If you are an extrovert, well, here's the science behind it so that you can be more effective. And for you ambiverts who are hoping that the stars aligned well, right, we're going to lay these things out so you can have some fun with this too, and then push your social abilities to their limits and see what you can do as well.

8:49Now for myself, I learned all this and I've talked about it on the show many times. I used to be a bartender and along with bartending, I was managing the bar, talent buyer, I had an incredibly social job. And going there every day, just like any job, I got bored and I had to find angles to make it fun and unique. This is when I got involved in interpersonal relationships, communication, and social skills because I was looking for unique ways to make my evening fun. But along comes with that is gaining more tips and creating new relationships. So this is when I started diving in. And way back then, 17 years ago, there was this unique idea about gamifying your social interactions so that you would be able to keep track of them, you'd be able to document them, measure your effectiveness, and then figure out areas where you can improve your abilities.

9:54So what we're going to do today is to go through these so that you can gamify this aspect, measure your abilities and then also give you something to shoot for so you can get better. Basically an opportunity to measure your effectiveness and what it's going to take for you to feel good of getting to a certain place in your abilities. And just like with every game, since we're talking gamification and I'm thinking video games, any game is supposed to be fun and every game also involves some sort of practice and leveling up. So this is something where you're just going out, you're having fun, and you're getting better and better and better.

10:34And this is a lifelong journey where improvement and new connections and growing your network is just now part of your life. Of course, as we go through these three steps in breaking the ice, there are some pitfalls to watch out for. There are some common issues, frustrations that our clients have when it comes to how to approach that person, what to say to that person, and then ultimately how to make that conversation memorable. So we're going to break those down as well because you might be feeling stuck at one of these steps. So we're going to share some strategies to help you overcome any of those frustrations that you're having so that these conversations, this small talk, this breaking the ice, meeting new people is actually a lot more effortless.

11:13It's not anxiety filled or something that holds you back from all these great opportunities and connections that we talked about. So how do we start a conversation? This is one of the most common questions that we get inside of our coaching programs, especially when it comes to conversations with people we don't know. Now, obviously, with friends, family, and coworkers, there's some familiarity. But with someone you don't know, how do you break the ice? And one of the biggest frustrations that we hear is don't know what to say. Right, Johnny? Absolutely. And the reason is it was because we have anxiety meeting new people because we're walking into the unknown.

11:53There's always going to be some amount of tension and pressure for that. And for the introvert folks, it can be overwhelming. For those who would identify as extroverted, they can walk through that anxiety easily. It doesn't affect them. That's the difference between those two. And the ambivert is somewhere in the middle there. And with that tension and pressure, we tend to go in our head and we start to overanalyze the situation. This analytical thinking puts us in our head and now we're going over all of these different scenarios and options and ideas of how we're going to start this conversation.

12:40So what we want to do is eliminate all of that and give you a simple framework that you can use so you can be quite effective and navigate through your anxiety and analytical thinking. And of course, if you started to listen to this podcast hoping that there would be some magical line that you could say that would work in every situation, well, that's going to fall flat. So looking for magic words might not be the best strategy here, but our conversation formula does work in any context or environment. So whether it's a social environment, whether it's a romantic environment, or whether it's a professional environment, our conversation formula creates that framework for you to work from to generate a conversation with someone you don't know.

13:29And that conversation formula goes like this. question plus answer equals statement. So if you don't know what to say, ask a question. That question could be something as simple as turning to someone next to you at that social event and asking them what they're drinking. Or maybe it's a party environment and you ask them, how do you know the host? Or maybe you're at a conference and you're queuing up to go in to see the next speaker and you turn to the person next to you and ask them, hey, who's been your favorite speaker at the conference so far. Each one of these examples allows the other person to share, to start a conversation.

14:09If you focus on an observation or just making a statement instead of utilizing the question, well, the other person on the other end, that stranger that doesn't know you, might not realize that you're actually talking to them, that you actually want a conversation with them. So it's easy to be ignored if we look for magic lines or statements to start the conversation with. How does this work if we're on the street and there's zero context, we don't know that person at all? Well, Michael, I know we have a great strategy inside of the X Factor Accelerator for exactly this scenario. Yeah, and what we have people train and practice and get really good at is giving spontaneous compliments.

14:50So you might see someone you want to talk to, who may be standing next to you in the subway and saying, oh, those are really nice boots. Now that would be a statement, right? So we don't want to leave it there, but then follow it up with a question and saying, hey, where did you get them from? Something like that. And then see how the response here goes and take the conversation from there. But this is your opener. It's friendly, it's appreciative, and it brings the attention to the other person and makes them feel good. So they're much more open to then engaging in a conversation with you. And here's the thing.

15:22This taps into human nature. We are primed to answer questions from strangers. So psychologist Robert Chialdini calls this a fixed action pattern. You hear a question and almost by autopilot, you give an answer. This is like, it almost feels like if you think of pigeons trained in boxes to punch a button to get some food. This is how we've been conditioned. If we get asked the question, the polite way to respond is to give an answer. a fixed action pattern. So we're utilizing a very common human proclivity to respond to that stimulus in, you know, just answering. Now, there is a bit of nuance here because we talked about how do we become memorable?

16:06And you might be thinking, well, questions aren't really memorable, guys. I want to stand out for the right reasons. And it's important that when asking that question, we bring some energy and enthusiasm to our nonverbal communication, meaning smile and eye contact, and our vocal tonality. So it is upbeat and it allows the other person to feel good in hearing us ask that question. And we do this challenge inside of the X Factor Accelerator. If you actually ask a question in a monotone or a downward vocal tonality, or you aren't smiling or making great eye contact with the person, again, it's very easy for that person to brush you off, to ignore you, to not think that what you just asked was meant for them.

16:52So we want to reinforce this question with some positive energy and enthusiasm, keeping it light and positive so that people will associate that good feeling with being asked this question by you. So the science around this is really fascinating because it is very solid. it. My favorite study around this was done in 2004. It's called Emotional Intensity Predicts Autobiographical Memory Experience. But to break it down, make it simple, this study found that the emotional intensity of an event predicted the vividness and also the belief in the accuracy of the memory of that event. The more emotion there was in the interaction, the more lively the memory was and the more people believed that this memory was true.

17:42And so both positive and negative emotional experiences were associated with that. So you really want to make sure that you're leaving that confident and upbeat impression on the other person. The perfect example of this that I have, we were in Miami. It was an X-Factor Accelerator bootcamp and Gave had joined the program as a management consultant and he had gone through a terrible breakup that had shaken up not only his romantic life, but also his social life. And he was feeling a lot of self-doubt around his ability to build and foster new relationships in his life. And after the first day's drills and exercises around conversation formula, he's like, okay, I get it, but it doesn't really seem like conversation is going to be so easy to do if I'm out in Miami talking to people and just asking questions.

18:29So we sat down on our first field night at dinner and a group of ladies sat down next to us on a bachelorette party. And as they made their drink order, the waiter came over with a tray full of all of these tropical drinks, so coconuts and pineapples and umbrellas. And Gabe realized this was his opportunity. So he turned to the table and he simply asked, what were the cocktails that the ladies were having because they look delicious? And immediately they started sharing that they were here for a bachelorette party. They pointed out the bachelorette. They were also sharing the different drinks.

19:03And that conversation started simply because Gabe expressed curiosity around a cocktail. Now, fast forward, we're closing our tab. We're getting ready to go out for the evening. And one of the ladies grabbed Gabe and called him over to the table and said, hey, let's exchange contact information so we can meet up later after we finish our meal. And Gabe was walking out of the restaurant beaming, realizing that something as simple as just asking a question, taking some curiosity and being interested in what was going on at the table next to us in an environment where it was 12 women, he probably wouldn't have in the past thought to ask a question or strike up a conversation, could lead to such a memorable experience that they are then asking for his phone number to hang out later.

19:50So these simple strategies that we're giving you are all about breaking the ice. It doesn't have to be fireworks. You don't have to be a stand-up comedian. You don't have to have side-splitting laughter to be memorable, to stand out, to break the ice with a stranger. By expressing curiosity, you can get the ball rolling really easily in any environment. When you're making good money, it's easy to get complacent. You don't track every dollar. Then the holidays hit and you realize you have no idea where it all went. If you want to keep your finances under control this holiday season, you need to be using Monarch.

20:25Monarch, rated Wall Street Journal's best budgeting app of 2025. Monarch is the all-in-one personal finance tool that brings your entire financial life together in one clean interface on your laptop or your phone. And right now, just for our listeners, Monarch is offering 50 % off your first year. I've put off organizing my finances for years. Monarch does the heavy lifting. Like all your accounts in minutes, clear visuals, smart categorization. I'll never touch a spreadsheet again. Forbes named it best app for couples. CNBC put it in their top fintech companies in the world. There's a Reddit community with 34 ,000 users who shape how the product gets built.

20:59If you're not on top of your money, you're missing chances to save more, invest smarter, and hit your goals faster. Don't let financial opportunities slip through the cracks. Use code CHARM at monarch.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50 % off your first year at monarch.com with code CHARM. The cable knit sweater I picked up from Quince is getting me through this cold weather. It's warm, structured, and looks way more expensive than it was. And every piece is made from premium materials by factories that meet strict standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. They cut out the middlemen.

21:33No traditional markups and you get the same quality as luxury brands at a fraction of the price. Get your wardrobe sorting and your gift list handled with Quince. Go to quince.com slash charm for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash charm. free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash charm. You know what drains your energy faster than a bad networking event? An overpriced phone bill. The big wireless companies love taking your money. They count on you not switching. Right now, Mint Mobile is running their best deal of the year.

22:0950 % off all unlimited plans. That's$15 a month for unlimited. $15. That's less than most people spend on coffee in a week. You get high speed data, unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network. Bring your current phone. Keep your number. no contracts. To turn your expensive wireless bill into actual savings, go to mintmobile.com slash charm. That's mintmobile.com slash charm. Limited time offer, upfront payment of$45 for three months,$90 for six months, or$180 for 12 months required. That's$15 a month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes when the network is busy.

22:47Capable device required. Availability speed and coverage varies. See MintMobile.com. AJ, I want to also add to this as well. What Gabe did was build a bridge to an unknown entity, right? Those folks in that bachelorette party were unknown. By asking that question, Gabe built that bridge. And what those ladies had seen was amazing, awesome, friendly, chill, young men hanging out who were looking for a great time that evening. And they're like, great, we found great rad dudes to hang out with. You are creating these opportunities by building that bridge. So there's another concept to go along with this.

23:34So the next time that you are out, I want you to understand that one of the attributes to being a high value person is acknowledgement of others, of those around you. Now, all of us have been in a social environment in which there was somebody standing next to us that we didn't know. And there is something inside of us that tells us we should probably introduce ourselves to that person. But for whatever reason, we get distracted or the tension and pressure gets insurmountable and we don't do it. Now, things are awkward. So it makes the longer you wait, the more awkward that it gets. So in order to break this and to be able to acknowledge those around us and make everything inclusive so that everyone feels comfortable and that those bridges are easily built is what we call the party bubble.

24:29And the party bubble is the simple concept that within a radius around you, that you acknowledge those people, you say hello, you ask them the question, you build the bridges. And what will happen from that is that energy will spiderweb out and you can see the ripple effects of you being high value, building those bridges, interacting in that party bubble, showing acknowledgement, which is infectious, which then those people will do the same thing. They're going to be that more apt to make those connections and acknowledge those around them and say hello. So now you're positively affecting your environment and it's going to be due to the work that you are doing.

25:17And that energy, people are going to see where that comes from. And now you're going to be seen and heard in a very positive manner. specifically to any event that you're going out. The people who are there, who are organizing those events, who are running those events are going to see you as a high value person who always seems to get the party going or that adds energy. So that only wants them to reach out to make sure that you understand or know the next events that are also going. And there are good and bad questions. We have to point that out. So any question that results in a yes or no answer, do you have the directions?

25:59What is the time? That doesn't actually create a conversational thread that you can actually interact with the other person on. So if you find yourself breaking the ice, asking questions that result in yes or no responses and feeling frustrated, you need to be relying on open-ended questions, questions that require the other person sharing a bit of information and some context that we can work with. And what's wonderful about this, especially in a professional setting, is when you ask questions seeking advice, you actually appear smarter. It improves that first impression and it makes the other person feel good that they get to share their advice with you.

26:42So in listening to this, this doesn't just work in social or romantic settings like we shared with that example, but this also works in a professional environment, even with coworkers that you may not have ever interacted with. If you go seeking advice through asking a question, you're going to leave a very favorable impression of yourself and allow the other person to feel good in that interaction. Now, you may have heard Dale Carnegie's famous sentence, to be interesting is to be interested. And a lot of our clients who join the program have heard this and they go, great, just ask questions.

27:17I love it, AJ and Johnny. I ask a ton of questions. I ask all the questions. And they end up jumping on the dreaded question train, right, Johnny? Yes. So we just went over getting the approach out of the way, and now we're moving into getting the conversation started. AJ had made a mention of making sure that you're asking questions that solicits an answer. and we need to make sure that we're going to contribute to this conversation because if we get stuck in the question train and the question train is just question after question after question and we get stuck in this pattern because asking the question is the easy thing to do it puts the spotlight on the other person so if you gave the appreciative statement or the compliment And as Michael said, they're now in the fixed action pattern and they're going to give the response.

28:13Now, the follow-up here is very important because you might be compelled to start another question. And what you're going to put yourself in is in your own pattern of question after question after question. You can only ask so many questions in a row before the interaction caves in on itself. So you've gave an appreciative statement. You put the attention on them. They're now acknowledged. They've answered your question. And another question continues to hold the spotlight on that person and forces them again to answer. This is called the question train. We ask too many questions in a row. That attention gets overwhelming and the person begins to feel interrogated and they become self-conscious and slowly begin to shut down.